11. Communication in Counseling

Communication as a Core Issue in Biblical Counseling

All right, what we're doing is we're still in the middle of biblical counseling. Tonight is communication, a little review. This is what we've studied so far. We got an introduction to biblical counseling, the crisis in counseling, the role of the Holy Spirit, what is euthetic counseling, directive versus non-directive counseling.

And then tonight we start, oh no, solving problems euthetically. Tonight we have a new topic of communication. All right, serious problem, that's our first subdivision. Often people today are not communicating.

So the question then is what is true communication? And the true communication in its most elementary form is that it's just a transfer of information. That's the bottom line, not whether it's good or bad, but if there's no information being transferred, then there's no communication taking place.

And there are three essentials for communication. Okay, one of my students, I see several students here from my music class. Right, a transmitter, a receiver, and a language common to both. Just makes sense.

We've been talking about, you know, being in a foreign country and trying to communicate, and if you don't have a language common to both, you're not going to transfer any information. But that's just some basis for it, and we've spent a lot of time on communication and this particular topic and in other sections of our study, so I'm going to move on.

One way people are not communicating is they are not communicating truth. And we see that beginning right in the Garden of Eden, okay? Communication originated in the Garden of Eden, all right? We realize that, right?

God's gift of language implied a duty to communicate. Adam and Eve needed to communicate. If they were going to carry out the mandate that God had given to them, they needed to communicate with each other because each of them was given certain responsibilities and certain functions.

And so the first communication problem occurred when Satan cast doubt on God's word, right? Now, again, I know I'm preaching to the choir here, so to speak, since you've all been through this before, but we need to lay the foundation for it.

Adam and Eve's communication with God was broken by their sin, and this was a major problem since man was created a social being who needs other people. Remember, we see that right in the Garden. It's not good for man to be alone.

Man needs other men, and if you don't communicate, if you can't communicate or if you're miscommunicating, that's certainly going to affect the relationships. And that's pretty much every relationship.

There's got to be a certain amount of communication. So what Adam and Eve should have done is turned to God, confessed their sin, and repented to restore their communication. And what would they have found out?

They would have found that mercy, because God is a forgiving God, and a restoration of communication with God. Instead, Adam handled his sin improperly, all right? He told half-truths, he shifted blame, he hid from God, and he attempted to cover his shame and his guilt.

And again, I know everybody here has heard this story numerous times with these truths, and we see the problem that it caused. But here's the thing now. All of the major problems encountered in counseling today were present in some form in the Garden of Eden after the fall.

Solomon said there's nothing new under the sun, and that's certainly true. Every time somebody comes into the counseling room, whatever problem is, you can always trace the fact that in some form, even if it's only a root form, the problem occurred within the Garden of Eden.

A Case Study of Joe's Behavior and Family Conflict

We're going to take a little break from communication, even though we just started it, and we're going to look at a case study. And this is going to be interactive. I am going to ask questions, and I do expect answers, okay?

The questions I ask are not going to be rhetorical, all right? I might ask a couple rhetorical answers. You know what a rhetorical answer is? That's an answer that doesn't need a question. I'm kidding.

Okay.

All right, here's a case study. I'm going to read it to you, so pay close attention. Joe was a troubled teenager. He was raised by an overcautious mother and an abusive father who repeatedly taunted and berated him as he was growing up.

One evening while his mother was out of the house, Joe's father beat the boy cruelly. Since then, Joe's mother has never allowed Joe to stray far from her sight. Out of pity, she indulged him and allowed him to do virtually as he wished, which usually included being disrespectful.

Now Joe has run away from home after a heated argument with his father and mother. He stole a car, not his first offense, and robbed a local grocer to get traveling money, but he was apprehended by police before he could get out of the state.

After the boy's arrest, his court-appointed social worker suggested he be removed from his parents' custody since his father was obviously mentally ill. Her professional opinion was that after six or eight months of therapy with the state psychologist, Joe's antisocial personality might improve, although she gave no guarantees.

All right, everybody get the idea of this story? Okay. What relationship would an athletic counselor see between the way Joe was raised and the argument that occurred between his parents, him and his parents?

Anyone want to take a shot? What would the relationship, what would an athletic counselor see? All right, I'll give you this one. Joe developed irresponsible, unbiblical patterns of behavior. That was the response that he had to what he was going through with his mother and father.

Now here's a question. Can Joe change his personality? Who said yes? Good, good answer. Yes, he can. How can he change his personality? Through Christ, through regeneration, all right? People can affect change, but they can't change their personality apart from regeneration of the heart.

Based on what you've learned in the sessions that we've had here, what model of personal problems did the social worker follow? Remember we had a chart with two models? No, because we didn't really see the questions that she was asking or whatnot.

Okay.

Looking specifically, all right, I'll give you, I'll make this multiple choice. Were they following the biblical model or the medical model?

Yes.

Yes.

Okay.

Okay, yes. The answer is the medical model. Why would you say, well, you didn't say, but why would you say or should you have said that she's following the medical model? Yes, but prescribing therapy and what else?

What about the father? How did you categorize him? Mentally ill.

Okay.

So, according to the case study, is there any evidence that Joe's father is mentally ill, according to the euthetic definition? Yes. Why or why not? So, all right, so you're right. The answer is no. So, why can't he be diagnosed as mentally ill?

Based on what we know. Get it right there. No, because mental illness is caused by organic factors. Many people who are classified as mentally ill, it's behavioral and therefore it's emotional. But there is such a thing as mental illness, but it's always caused by organic factors.

Preconditioning, Presentation, and Performance Problems

Okay.

Based on what we have learned in these sessions, let's see if we can match the following.

All right.

Joe ran away and stole a car. What is that problem? Preconditioning, presentation, or performance? It's a performance problem. How about Joe is irresponsible and rebellious?

Right.

Preconditioning. Which leaves Joe is in trouble? Presentation. Remember, the sharpest attack.

Okay.

You see why each one is that? The presentation problem, that's what is presented. You know, if his parents were to call a methodic counselor, they would present the problem as Joe is in trouble.

Okay.

And then, how is Joe in trouble? Well, he ran away and stole a car. That's the performance problem. That's what he did to cause the trouble. But what's the underlying root cause? He's become irresponsible and rebellious.

That's the precondition problem. And remember what the goal of the methodic counselor is, is to deal with all of those. You know, and the result, how you deal with them is slightly different. I mean, Joe is in trouble.

What are you going to do? Well, the first thing is you've got to help him get out of the trouble that he's in.

All right.

And then we have to deal with his behavior, but it all stems down to the fact that he's developed rebellious and irresponsible behavior patterns. Does that make sense? Back to communication.

All right.

Remember, all the major problems encountered in counseling today were present in some form in the Garden of Eden. When Adam sinned, his conscience accused him, and he had painful, visceral responses, and he ran.

You see that? How would you say that? What were the painful and visceral responses? That's one of the responses. But something a little bit more painful than that.

Yeah.

Why?

What's he afraid of? Go ahead. Shamed? Yes. What's the root? Let's get to the bottom of it. Why is he hiding? Why is he sewing fig leaves together? What's the consequence? Death. God said, in the day you eat of it, you shall surely die.

And then when God's coming, he runs and he hides because he knows that he is deserving of death. So where did he run? From God. Where should he have run? To God. There's the difference. When confronted by God, Adam complicated matters by trying to handle his sin on his own.

And how did that work out for him? Not so good. In essence, Adam had committed a crime and he attempted to get away and then he tried hiding his sin. And he failed at each of those. He couldn't get away from God and there was no hiding his sin.

Hiding his nakedness was superficial at best. Notice God confronted Adam directly with his sin and didn't let Adam squirm out of it. There's one of the bases for the euthetic confrontation method. That's how God deals.

When one of God's children sins, God deals directly with it. Quite often it's painful. This was an example of euthetic confrontation and God forced Adam to deal with the problem. Adam didn't have a choice with God.

Adam's response was to lie, shift blame. And these are typical responses that the counselor should expect when dealing with those problems in life. It's also for anyone who is married and has children.

This is typical of how children respond when you catch them in the act. And they will try to shift blame. If they think they can get away with it, they'll lie. Sally, is that licorice that you have in your mouth?

Nope, as the black is running down the side of the mouth. God did not allow Adam to continue but judged him accordingly. And of course we know this was the beginning of the sin nature or total depravity that affects and infects every human being.

So in Adam's case, I mean, the ramifications were greater than even for us. But we still suffer the effects of it. Neither Adam nor Eve was willing to accept responsibility for the rebellion. When God confronts them, notice, neither one of them just out and out repented.

Not right away.

Instead each attempted to justify himself by shifting the blame to one another. Not accepting responsibility for our own sinful response is one of the greatest causes of the rise of emotional problems today.

Even though many people don't realize it, when you carry around guilt, unless your conscience is completely seared over, which is still a response, an unbiblical response, it's going to cause problems.

And that's why if somebody comes in and they're even acting in a bizarre manner, if there's nothing organically wrong with them, if they're not truly mentally ill, these type of emotional problems can manifest themselves that way because it's a way that they try to escape from the consequences of their sin.

I love this quote. This is from J. Adams. Others do not make us bitter or miserable regardless of what they say to us. Nobody can force you to sin. Even when people do cruel and horrible things to us, we do not have to return in kind.

We do not have to get bitter. If we turn to Christ and actually even start praying for that person, you do not have to wind up with bitterness in your heart and going through all the problems that people go through.

It's a shame. Nobody can steal your joy. If you're a believer in Jesus Christ, nobody can take your joy away from you. You can give it away if you allow the sin that somebody commits against you, if you allow that to cause you to have a sinful response.

Sinful response doesn't even have to be acting out. It can be hating the person in your heart. Just think about it. Somebody does something that is cruel and horrible to you, and you say, oh, no, I'm a Christian. I'm not going to act out.

But you hate them in your heart. Are you okay? Why not? What does the scripture say about hating somebody in your heart? Same as committing murder. And nobody can force you to do that. When we respond incorrectly, we hurt ourselves.

Adam not only blamed Eve, but ultimately he blamed God. As soon as he said, it's the woman you gave me, he deflected it from his blaming Eve to God himself. Not a good place to be. He saw Eve as the secondary cause, and God as the primary cause of his trouble.

In the Freudian view, God is the cause of the misery and ruin of mankind. That's why I just love it when I meet a Christian psychologist who tells me, yeah, well, I'm basically a Freudian.

Really?

That's Freud's view of who God is. How can a Christian adopt that kind of theology and philosophy? Of course, this is completely and totally contrary to the teaching of scripture. I know it's that obvious, but I had to put the answer in there anyway.

Even though others may have helped to shape our lives in an unbiblical way, responsibility still lies with the individual himself. Follow that? No one can blame another for his bad behavior, even behavior taught from childhood.

So even if you have somebody who grew up under an oppressive, cruel parenting, ultimately they're still responsible for how they turn out. That certainly goes against the psychological model. What has been learned from childhood can be unlearned.

Christ taught that it's our responsibility to respond properly to wrongs. Problems and offenses will certainly come into the life of the Christian. The important issue is how to handle those problems.

When somebody steps on your toes, what do you do? Somebody calls your name, what do you do? Are you returning in kind or are you returning good for evil? But because of sin, communication is not only broken in the first instance, but frequently attempts to restore are handled poorly.

I can't tell you how many times I've seen that situation where there was a problem, somebody sat down and mediated it and only made the matters worse. He was trying to follow some psychological model.

And so as we have seen, communication breakdown is a serious problem. If you're not communicating, not only just communicating clearly, but communicating biblically and communicating truth, it's going to have a serious effect on you.

Because communication is what binds us together. If you don't believe that, remember the Tower of Babel. When God wanted to disperse the people, he said, nope, we can't let them all live together anymore.

What did he do? Very simple. He confused their language and what did they do? They dispersed on their own. When he said that, because of the seriousness of communication, a counselor must begin by restoring communication in order to restore relationships.

Reconciliation Through Regeneration and Truth

Next, I have a quote from Jay Adams, which if you read Jay Adams or if you've ever heard him speak, this is typical Jay Adams. Those who are unable to communicate need to communicate in order to solve their communication problem.

You understand what he's saying? Usually this requires a third party to assist in reestablishing communication. If you can't communicate even what the problem is, then you definitely need a third party.

And again, it doesn't have to be a trained biblical counselor. One of the reasons that we're teaching this in our church is that these are things that every Christian needs to know, because regardless of what relationships you wind up in, whether it be family, whether it be work, whether it be in a sports field, you're going to come into serious problem issues.

And if you can be the mediator, the one who brings reason and reestablishes good communication, you'll go a long way. And that's a great way of even establishing a witnessing opportunity. So the absolute basis for restoration of communication is reconciliation with God.

And restoration begins with the saving grace of God. All significant communication of any depth must be communication in God. I've got a follow-up question to that, but I think it's not yet. All definitions and rules of communication must issue from God and the scriptures.

Now again, this is strictly, the only people who can really do this are those who have been regenerated. So what is God's solution for his church? Let's see if we can summarize this. Well, firstly, there's no adequate solution to the communication problem apart from the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

You have to start there. This is why we talk about, well, in fact, let me throw this out as a question. What is the first step that a biblical counselor should take when he's counseling somebody who's new?

Share the gospel. You have to find out, is the person saved? If the person is saved, now you can move from there. But if the person is not saved, the very first thing you have to do is give them the gospel.

Why is that so crucial? Why must you get right to the heart of it first? Absolutely, absolutely. There are, when you have two believers who have been at odds, broken relationship, the possibility of success of biblical counseling, what do you think the possibility of success is?

100%. What's the probability? The probability depends upon the individual's submission to the scripture. But the possibility, if you have two believers, there is no circumstances where it is impossible for those two people to be reconciled because they both have the same Holy Spirit.

This is why you have to get to the heart of the problem, and you have to treat somebody different who is a believer, who is a non-believer. And Ryan hit the nail on the head. The non-believer doesn't even have the possibility within him to submit to everything that the scripture teaches.

And of course, without the heart being regenerated, they don't want to. And Paul demonstrates in Ephesians 4 what is needed for good communication. And this is very interesting. Verses 17 to 19, Paul gives a graphic illustration of the heart and soul of the non-believer.

Now, we need to keep this in mind. If you're going to sit down and you're going to counsel or witness even to a non-believer, look at how Paul describes this. So this I say and affirm together with the Lord, that you walk no longer just as the Gentiles also walked.

Notice what he's saying. He's now going to tell you, give you a description of the Gentile heart, the futility of their mind, darkened in their understanding, excluded from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the hardness of their heart, and they, having become callous, have given themselves over to sensuality for the practice of every kind of impurity with greediness.

Look at that.

Look at the heart.

Futility of his mind. Darkened understanding. Ignorance of mind. Hardness of heart. The conscience is seared. When you go out on your evangelism or witnessing to a friend, keep that in mind. That's why you have to pray that the Holy Spirit will regenerate the heart.

Because apart from that, they don't want to know what you have to say. In verses 22 to 24, Paul shows the change that is brought by salvation, the regeneration of the heart. That in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lust of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which is in the likeness of God, has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.

Look at this. Renewed in the mind, a new self, in the likeness of God, created in righteousness, created in holiness of the truth. There's the hope. When your heart's been regenerated, there's the hope that you can change.

Getting back to the case study with Joe, when we said, can Joe change his personality? Yes, if his heart is regenerated. If the heart's not regenerated, all he can merely do is make some behavioral changes, superficial.

So when Paul speaks of the new man, he mentions a restoration of communication through the truth. Now, I want to show you exactly how communication ties in. Ephesians 4 .25, that's the next verse after what we just read.

Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. Look at that. What we've seen is the depraved condition of the non-believer's heart, the regenerated heart, and what's the very next thing that Paul talks about?

Communication, true communication. So you can see now why throughout all of our sessions, and especially the one tonight, we have emphasized that the very first goal of the counselor is evangelism. It has to be evangelism.

Apart from the indwelling Holy Spirit, there can be no real lasting change in the person. You can help them out, you can ease their pain a little bit, but they're not going to make lasting change. Because every man since Adam, except Jesus, of course, has been born a rebel against the word of truth.

His sinful nature does not love the truth, so it's perfectly natural for him to develop patterns of deception and lies. Through regeneration, new ways become natural for him. Any questions or thoughts?

Yes, Ryan.

We ended up with a quote from Spurgeon. We were talking about the difference of the way it was handled with Joe and whatnot. Spurgeon says, Changing your morality can keep you out of jail, but only the blood of Christ can keep you out of hell,.

Or something like that. He did have a way with words.

Any other thoughts, questions?

Okay, next week.

Anger.