Myths of Marriage - "Don't make a woman your project"

Silicon Valley Reformed Baptist Church

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Welcome to our church. If y 'all don't have a church and you're looking for one, we'd love it if you could join us. I know some of you are coming from pretty far away to be convenient, but if you're nearby, love it if you could visit us.

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Every Sunday at two, we have a prayer service afterward. We have a, well, we have lunch afterward. We have a prayer service.

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So maybe you've already got a church, but you're interested in checking us out. That'd be a great time to come by after, at two o 'clock, or even for our lunch at 1245 -ish.

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So yeah, well, with that, every time we do this, we go through a different myth about marriage.

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It's what I call these talks. And today, the myth is that you should never make a woman your project.

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Now, this is a, you've probably noticed that a lot of these myths that I come up with are actually good advice in some contexts, but then not in a lot of contexts.

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There are a lot of ways that it could be meant. So what do I mean by this? There's a lot of ways that this could be good advice.

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You've seen the guy that says things like, I can fix her, right? And what's usually going on in those circumstances is there's been some kind of terrible unfaithfulness, and the guy imagines that by his sheer attractiveness, he could maintain her fidelity to him, or something like that, right?

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Or just some kind of awful hubris like that. However, just stepping back and thinking about this from a biblical perspective,

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I would say that the idea that you should be looking for someone who is perfectly mature, who's got it all together, is missing out on the reality of marriage that is designed to be mutually for the good of husband and wife, and especially that it's designed for the husband to spiritually lead the wife.

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And so if you have the idea that you should be looking for someone, especially as a man, who's already perfect, who's already got it all together, you're not really looking to play the role of the husband in the relationship.

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And there's a lot of room to change the way you're thinking about it so you can appropriately look for what

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God has called good, and at the same time, not be looking for something that would be wrong for you to look for.

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So let me throw out a couple of considerations here for you. That you do want to find an excellent wife.

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Proverbs 12, four says, an excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.

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And then Proverbs 31, 10 says, an excellent wife who can find, she is far more precious than jewels.

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So it is a task that God has given men to find an excellent wife. But how do you go about finding an excellent wife?

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Well, if you want to find one, I have some bad news for you. There is no perfect wife, and they are very hard to find.

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That's the point of the statement, an excellent wife, who can find? It's very difficult to find an excellent wife.

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And I'd like to illustrate to you some of the difficulty of finding an excellent wife. So consider some of these things that are said in this chapter here.

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Now, if you've been in churches for a while, you know when people talk about finding a good woman, there's a particular chapter they go to, right?

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You want to find a what kind of woman? Proverbs 31. Proverbs 31 kind of woman. Let me read you some things about the

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Proverbs 31 woman. She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens.

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She considers a field and buys it. With the fruit of her hands, she plants a vineyard.

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She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. All right, let me skip ahead a little bit here too.

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She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet.

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Strength and dignity are her clothing and she laughs at the time to come. Her children rise up and call her blessed, her husband also, and he praises her.

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Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all. Okay, there's one key problem in trying to look for a

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Proverbs 31 woman, okay? Can you identify what it is in some of the verses that I read there?

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What difficulty might you find if you are trying to find an excellent wife by looking for a Proverbs 31 woman? Okay, what happens if you look for a woman whose children rise up and call her blessed and her husband praises her?

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Okay, this is not someone you want to find, all right? She's already taken. All right, this is describing mid to late stage womanhood.

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Okay, this is not describing the one you marry. This is describing the one who is married who becomes this excellent wife, right?

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So what you should be looking for is not the one who is a Proverbs 31 woman. What you should be looking for is someone who can become a

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Proverbs 31 woman. So let's look, starting with Ephesians 5.

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Ephesians 5, it talks about marriage, makes this analogy between Christ and the church, that union there, and then the marriage between husbands and wives.

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And it says the following of husbands and wives. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

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Now, this passage is significant in a couple of ways. It's not just giving practical tips about marriage and making a synthetic observation like Jesus does often, where he says, the kingdom of heaven is like a little leaven or the kingdom of heaven is like the seed, where he's just making these arbitrary analogies, looking at, and I don't mean that in a negative way, obviously

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Christ is very wise, but he's making these observations and analogies from creation.

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Paul is doing something different here. He's telling us not just that these two things are similar, he's saying that there's an organic connection between this one union, between Christ and the church, and this union that happens between man and wife, so that to fully understand marriage, you really do have to understand the union between Christ and the church.

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And this can be seen in even the way how he talks about the future, which is a mystery. He's saying that a husband and wife becoming one flesh is a mystery because it talks about Christ and the church, and we don't even understand what that looks like because the marriage supper has not yet happened.

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But if we take that knowledge that Paul has given us, that we should think about one in light of the other, what do we see here about the way

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Christ chooses his bride? He chooses her that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of the water of the word, that he might present the church to himself in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

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So does he find, does he go and he says, you know what, I want a Proverbs 31 bride.

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I'm going to find the absolute best thing I can find. He does pretty much the exact opposite, doesn't he?

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In fact, we see that in the Old Testament and in the New Testament. The Old Testament in Deuteronomy 7 -7 says, it was not because you were more in number than any other people, more in number than any other people, that the

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Lord set his love on you and chose you, for you are the fewest of all peoples.

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So when God is choosing Israel, and you see that analogy throughout the Old Testament too, that God marries

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Israel and she's unfaithful to him. Okay, he is choosing one that's the smallest in number, one that is the least impressive.

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And then in 1 Corinthians 1 -26, it says, for consider your calling, brothers. Not many of you are wise, according to worldly standards.

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Not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth, but God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise.

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God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong. God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God.

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All right, so what is the takeaway from these pictures? Should we say, okay, the right application of this, for me to go out and find just the most awful, worthless woman that I can find, because that's what

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Christ apparently did, right? That's not the right application. Okay, so there's a difference here in that Christ is omnipotent, he is all powerful, right?

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And on the other end of the spectrum, the church has no hope apart from him. Okay, when we're talking about human marriage, something similar has happened, but it's on a much, much narrower scale, right?

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People understand this instinctively with a lot of things, right? They understand that the husband, especially if they're students of the

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Bible, the husband's supposed to be the provider, the husband's supposed to be the protector. The husband's not looking for a wife who's gonna take care of him and provide for him.

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He's thinking, you know what, what kind of a husband is this? You know what, I really don't like working. I'm gonna look for a wife who's rich, take care of me, who's strong, just got really, just really so I'll feel safe around her, so she can protect me, right?

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Everyone understands that when it comes to physical things like that, you know, providing, protecting, the husband, he has a role to give and to be a provider and protector.

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The same is true spiritually as well, that he's supposed to be a spiritual leader, and that is a good thing.

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This is not a negative. This is an enjoyable part of the relationship for both the man and the woman.

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Acts 20 .35 says that is more blessed to give than to receive. You know, the husband that's looking just to get and imposing this selfish idea onto marriage where he's trying to find a woman who's already got it all together, you know, and doesn't want to lead in the relationship at all, that's not, he's not looking to play the role of the husband, okay?

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He's looking for something else. Now, the Bible continues to talk about this relationship between Christ and the bride, the church, under the heading of his office as king, okay?

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So he rules over the church, and the way he does that is by his persuasive leadership, by his subduing the hearts of his people to follow him, okay?

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And we see this here in Ephesians 5 .23 also. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its savior, okay?

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So it describes that relationship between Christ and the church, you know, head and body.

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Similarly, and this is a word that is used frequently, especially in the Old Testament to describe the rulers of Israel, right?

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The kings, they'd be called heads. He is the head of the body, and so the husband is supposed to be the head, and there is an understanding the husband would have that relationship where he is leading spiritually, he is giving of himself spiritually for the spiritual good of the bride.

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So, and like I said, this is a good thing, this is a joyous thing. The husband, or the potential husband that's trying to bypass this task is missing out on the joys, on the joys of marriage.

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I saw a sketch a long time ago, but it was this guy who was, you know, he's this smarmy salesman, and he's selling pre -blessed food, right?

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So, you know, it just takes up so much time in your day to say thanks over the food that you get, but this has been pre -blessed food.

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It's got a little sticker on it, and when you buy this bread, you don't have to pray about it because it's been pre -blessed, okay?

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That's missing the whole point of the Thanksgiving, right? The Thanksgiving itself is good, not the accomplishment of whatever happens after Thanksgiving.

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Same thing, if you want to become an artist, you don't go to a store and look for the canvases and the paint and then, you know, ask the salesperson, all these canvases are kind of blank.

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You know, I'm just looking to have something that's a little more complete. No, that's part of the joy of being an artist is doing this, and so it's the joy of a husband to give of himself, both physically and spiritually.

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Now, on the other end, well, before I go there, so if you've had these thoughts and you're thinking as a man, you know, that you're looking for a woman who's already got together, who's already, you know, perfectly mature or something like that, and it really is this

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Proverbs 31 woman actualized and not just in potential, then consider how you should change your mindset about what you're looking for, but then also think about your need to grow as a man, to be one who's capable of that kind of leadership so that you're able to give of yourself.

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Maybe you think, I don't have a lot to offer spiritually. You should be investing in yourself, looking to the word of God, making sure that you understand it well so that you're one who, like it says here, can wash with the water of the word.

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Now, on the other end, speaks of wives in 1 Peter 3, 4, it says, but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

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Okay, so this is the alternate side of it. What makes this possible, this relationship possible is not, you know, it takes two to tango.

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It's not, once again, this is not Christ in the church where the church has nothing and Christ is omnipotent.

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It's something on a much narrower scale, and so it's required of the wife that she be a gentle and quiet spirit, and this is what makes it possible for the man who is able to lead in maturity to lead his wife in the things of God.

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And the opposite of this would be a woman who is contentious or rebellious, and we see this, once again, in Ephesians 5.

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Ephesians 5 says, wives submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its

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Savior. Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

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So this isn't saying that, I know some people take this to say something along the lines of every woman is supposed to be submitting to every man or something like that.

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It's not, this is wives and husbands, so it doesn't extend beyond that.

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At the same time, even if you're not married, even if you don't have a husband, you can develop a gentle and quiet spirit, and it's a difficult, it's a very difficult thing to do.

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In fact, in the Bible, when the gospel is first given, the very next thing it says, after the gospel is first given in Genesis 3 .15,

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is that it's going to be hard for wives to learn how to submit. That's the very next thing. Genesis 3 .16

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says, to the woman he said, I will surely multiply your pain and childbearing, and pain you shall bring forth children.

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Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you. All right, so it talks about that one of the biggest, or most quintessential aspects of living in a fallen world where sin has come into it, is that these dynamics between husband and wife will be reversed often, or people will contend against them.

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And if you hear a lot of the things I'm saying, and you're not used to hearing such direct teaching from Ephesians 5 on the relationship between husband and wives, know that that is exactly what

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Genesis 3 says is going to happen, is that people are going to not like this teaching about what

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God has described as a relationship between Christ and the church. Now, a lot of people really want to be this, you know, strong, independent woman.

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There's been a lot of videos I've seen going around, I'm not on TikTok, but I see people reshare these things with women who have gone really far in their career, have really pursued independence, and they're just very unsatisfied with this.

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And they thought that this was a good thing to pursue, but then they realize it's not as fulfilling as they thought it would be.

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You know, God didn't make people, He didn't make men even to be independent, you know? He said it's not good that man should be alone, same's true of a woman, it's not good for each to be alone.

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But a lot of people really want to pursue that in a headstrong way, this independence, this being alone. And it's very similar to, if you've ever seen a child who is told to wear a jacket, the child says,

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I'm not cold, and they go out into the cold weather anyway, you see them shivering and getting colder and colder, they say, no,

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I'm not cold, I'm not cold, I'm not cold. To their own harm. You don't want to be in that person who is just, you know, headstrong, wanting something that society says is good, the

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Bible says isn't good, even to your own hurt. You want what is actually, what is actually good.

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So, women, how can you develop a gentle and quiet spirit? The first is, if you have any resistance to these passages, is to embrace them.

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Not just the fact that they are true, but with thankfulness that they are good. It's not just true, but these are good truths.

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It's wonderful that God has made you the way he's made you, it's wonderful that he's made men and women the way he's made men and women, and it's a privilege and a pleasure to be in either role.

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For the men, you should be thankful that God has put you in a position so that should you be married, you'll have an opportunity to give of yourself.

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Women, if you should be married, it's a pleasure and a privilege that you should be in a position that you should be able to receive and be taken care of in that way.

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And then, next, any kind of relationships that you have that are already authority relationships, you know, whether it be a spiritual authority like a pastor, or maybe honoring your own father and mother, or workplace relations, learn to cultivate a gentle and quiet spirit in those situations, too, so that you're not contentious, that you're not someone who's rebelling against authority in your life.

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And then, also, you can ask others, especially women who are more mature than you, to evaluate you and say, how can

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I, you know, how do you think I am at this? How can I grow in this area? Those are good things to consider.

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Now, for men, if you are evaluating the potential of the relationship, and maybe let me step back and say that this is what

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Christ is looking for, right? When he's looking for the bride, he's not looking for what is best currently.

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What he's looking for is what is the greatest potential of this union that can be had, right?

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So this is what you, as a man, should be thinking. The potential, what is the potential of that union?

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And so, as you're evaluating whether or not a woman who may be interested in you is a gentle and quiet spirit, has the capacity for an excellent union, even if she may not be as mature as she could be at the moment, how can you evaluate this?

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First is by looking at how she operates in her current relationships.

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You know, it's a very common thing for, you know, even secular relationship advice to talk about looking at a woman's relationship with her father, and a lot of times it's, it's not necessarily in a biblical way that it's being considered, but you can consider, you know, if she's a gentle and quiet spirit, what does that look like in her current relationships?

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And then, you can also, as you speak with her, sort of, what's going on in a relationship where you're talking with a woman is you're auditioning for the role, right?

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You are seeing, are you someone who's interested in hearing what I say about the word? And then, on top of that, you know, am

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I the kind of person that you can respect to hear out what I have to say about the word? So, talk to her about scripture.

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See if she's willing to hear what you have to say about the things of God, and change wherever scripture requires change, wherever, yeah, it speaks to things that are needed in the moment.

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And if, yeah, there are a lot of things that people wanna get right beforehand, before marriage, you know, to have the same view of what home life should look like, et cetera.

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A lot of those things, it is important to be fairly aligned beforehand, but just know that those are things that can happen over time as well, and that you want to, yeah, you wanna be the one who is going to be, you know, a patient leader in those things.

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And also keep in mind the fact that right now, a lot of, I mean, there are a lot of churches that are not giving very good biblical teaching.

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There are a lot of homes that are Christian, you know, maybe truly, or maybe just in quotes, that are not giving good biblical instruction.

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So, I've seen a lot of people say, well, this person has been a Christian their whole life. You know, why, the fact that they're not more mature is indicative of the fact that they aren't, you know, responding to the things of God as they ought.

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Don't make the mistake of thinking that just because someone has been a Christian for a long time, they've been exposed to good teaching for a long time.

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Those are different things. So, be understanding in that area as well. But yeah, as you come closer together on the things of God and you figure out whether or not this is a person who would be willing to respect you in this way, and women, whether or not you'd be willing to respect a man in this way, that's how you can know that this could be a good union, not by what already exists, but what could be, what could be.

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And so, yeah, there's two ways that you could be foolish about this, right?

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So, the one is to throw out, just to throw out all caution and just, you know, marry whoever's the most attractive and try to figure it all out later, right?

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Something like that. Proverbs 21 .9 says, it's better to live in the corner of a housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome woman.

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Okay, you don't want to throw out all caution. At the same time, you don't want to look for a perfect woman, right?

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One who's already got everything figured out because that would be, like I said, just contrary to what the

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Bible describes the role of a husband should be in giving of himself, even spiritually.

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And you'd be missing out on good, good blessings. Okay, so in summary, for women, develop a gentle, quiet spirit.

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Be willing to look and evaluate men based on whether or not you'd be willing to respect them and follow them.

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And then men, as you are considering women, consider whether or not they have a gentle, quiet spirit and also be looking to yourself to see whether or not you are growing as a leader to be capable of the role of a husband.

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And in all this, don't use, I would hate if any of what

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I've said tonight gets used as an excuse to, like I said, throw caution to the wind, right?

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Oh, well, it doesn't matter how mature she is. It doesn't matter how mature he is. It's just the potential that counts.

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Do not evaluate these things on your own. Evaluate them with others. Proverbs 15, 22 says, without counsel, plans fail.

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But with many advisors, they succeed. So the real trick in this is not just evaluating it on your own, but evaluating it with other godly counsel, those who are more mature that you trust to help you evaluate such things.

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And in all this, we are modeling what the Bible describes as a relationship between Christ and the church.

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We have a beautiful gospel, a gospel where Christ has come and he has saved us who are wretched, who are terrible sinners, and he has beautified the church, he has made it wonderful, and he is making it more and more into his image, being the head.

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Ephesians describes it like a body that's immature and growing to fit the head. And then eventually, once he has completed that, we will all be with him together forever when that wedding is consummated at the final supper that's described, that marriage supper of the lamb.

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And this is a beautiful thing. And those who want to selfishly just look for someone where they don't have to give up themselves, where it's not really about enjoying the giving and receiving that's involved in marriage, but rather it's just about getting something that I want now and I don't want to wait for it or build into it or invest into it, are missing out on the beauty of modeling that gospel in the relationship as God has given us the opportunity to even further appreciate the gospel that he has given us.

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All right, let me go ahead and pray for us. Dear Heavenly Father, I pray that these words would be well -received.

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I pray that where your word speaks wisdom, we would be receptive to it. And may you work in the hearts of everyone here to grow as you have made them as men and women in Christ.

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In Jesus' name, amen. Amen. All right. Thanks. Thank you.

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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We're gonna be passing out some discussion questions that you can discuss at your tables, and then we'll do a