What Do I Do If My Worthless Husband Won't Lead? The Conquered Coward

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Welcome to Bible Bashed, where we aim to equip the saints for the works of ministry by answering the questions you're not allowed to ask.

Listen and enjoy this installment of Iron Sharpening Iron, as Pastor Tim answers your sincere questions.

Here's Pastor Tim. In this episode of Iron Sharpening Iron, we will be continuing our discussion,

What Do I Do If My Worthless Husband Won't Lead? And on this episode in particular, we will be addressing the subject of what a woman should do who's married to a conquered coward.

Now, as a result of the fall, there has been a fundamental conflict that's been introduced between the sexes.

The woman's desire is going to be to master her husband, but he must rule over her. So, when we think about the way that the fall actually affects the idea of submission in the heart of a woman, one of the things to realize is that every woman, to one degree or another, is going to be tempted to master her husband.

And the problem is that you live in a society which encourages that very thing. How often have you heard people make the joke, if mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy.

And, you know, there's an expectation that people have within our society that whenever a woman screams, you give her whatever she wants.

And if she's in any way upset or frustrated or bothered, it is instantaneously a failure on the part of the husband in some sort of way.

We're living in a kind of society that fundamentally feels like there's something immoral that happens when a husband doesn't completely and totally validate a woman's every feeling, her every mood, her every thought, and give her whatever she wants.

Fundamentally, it's thought to be chauvinistic and patriarchal even to rebuke a woman or to disagree with a woman.

And you can see those things happening even within the church. I can't tell you how many times I've listened to sermons from pastors who essentially say that functionally, basically, a man should, you know, anytime a wife is unhappy, it ultimately resolves to some sort of failure of leadership on the husband's part.

It's all his fault. And basically, you know, there's been plenty of men who go to Father's Day sermons only to get beat up every year and then go to Mother's Day sermons to find that the woman is praised every year.

And there is an imbalance in how these things are being treated. And this impulse that a woman might have to nominate her husband is an impulse that we are encouraging as a society and we're even encouraging as a church.

And the problem is that if a woman is actually successful in dominating her husband, if that impulse is not rejected or warned against, if that's not something that we're looking out to and trying to acknowledge as if it's an actual thing that might actually happen in the course of a relationship, one of the things that can actually happen is that a woman might actually conquer her husband, at which point she's going to despise him.

And functionally, he's going to despise her. No one likes that sort of arrangement. But then that may be the kind of arrangement that a couple find themselves in.

They find themselves in that kind of arrangement and no one likes it, but it's better than the constant and continual conflict that might come from continual resistance to a woman who refuses to follow.

Now, one of the things that's remarkable is that there is a type of woman who will functionally conquer her husband in this kind of way and despise him.

And she's the kind of person who can look at this kind of question and say, what do I do if my worthless husband won't lead? And she is the kind of woman who may have little to no self -awareness that one of the reasons why her husband is not leading is because she has conquered him.

Now, when I say that kind of thing, what I'm not trying to do is get the worthless coward off the hook.

I mean, functionally, he's a coward. He's been conquered. He's been conquered by the weaker vessel.

It's a shameful state of affairs. It's an embarrassing state of affairs. That man ought to be rebuked and told to man up and to some other colorful adjectives.

And you can be thrown there along with instruction that can be said at that point. That kind of man needs to be rebuked, and that kind of man needs to be taught to be a man.

Now, at the same time, because these are questions coming from ladies at this point that we're trying to answer, one of the things to realize is that that man can get there in a way that is absolutely and totally provoked.

And so if you are the kind of woman who the Bible describes as being, it's better to be on the corner of a rooftop than with a contentious woman, if at every point when you're not dealing with the limp -wristed beta male husband, you're dealing with the kind of husband who is actually trying to lead.

But if you make every single scenario where that man tries to lead a source of conflict, a source of frustration to where functionally if you declare war against his leadership at every single point, whether it's he's trying to park and you're demanding he parks where you want him to park.

If at every single point he makes a decision within the home, and functionally you're the type of woman who is going to treat him as if he's a moron, and who is going to argue with him and cause conflict with him.

If you're the type of woman who's going to misunderstand everything he's saying, and basically turn it all into an argument, jump to conclusions, and basically get upset and frustrated because he's not communicating in the way that you want him to communicate.

He's not doing the things that you want him to do. If you're the type of woman who functionally demands that at every single point, just let me give you a silly example.

Let's say that you're married to a man and at every single point a new piece of furniture comes in the mail.

The man's sitting there trying to put the furniture together. You come along and basically take over the job, start criticizing what's happening, and basically turn him into your little helper and everything else.

One of the things to realize is that there is a type of woman who is better at the corner of a rooftop than to be around her, because she functionally is going to make life miserable for everyone around them.

Now, with Isaac and Rebecca, Esau married some foreign women, and the

Bible talks about that these foreign women made everyone's life miserable. There is a kind of contentious woman who can make everyone's life miserable around them, and there's a type of man who can look at that and just say,

Hey, I'm just tired of having conflict, I'm tired of having fights, I'm tired of having frustration, I'm tired of it all, so the only thing

I know to do in order to just not have conflict every day is just to leave this woman alone, give her what she wants, try to keep my space, try to keep my distance, just let her be miserable, let her be unhappy, just functionally give her away.

And there's a type of woman who can be totally blind to the fact that she actually is that woman, who functionally this guy has given up on trying to lead in any way, and then she'll have the audacity to look at him and say,

Well, you're the worthless husband who won't lead, when she's the one who resists every effort of leadership that he has ever had in almost every single way.

If he picks a church, you're not going to be happy with it, if he picks a car, you're not going to be happy with it, no matter what he does, whatever job he works at, you're going to be overly critical of it, you're not going to like it, he may end up finding a different job, and you're going to not like it, no matter what kind of budget he gives you to spend on, you're not going to like it, you're going to be frustrated with it, not knowing that there's not an endless supply of money to spend.

And so there is a type of woman like that, who functionally is going to make a man's life functionally miserable, such that his response to that kind of thing is just going to say,

I give up, forget it. Now, as I've said, I'm describing the kind of man who gives up, and doesn't just grow a spine and just say,

I refuse to let this woman dominate me with her bad attitude, I'm describing him as a coward,

I'm saying that's a bad state of affairs, but if you're that kind of woman who is doing that kind of thing, and functionally rejecting everything the

Bible says about following, then I have to say to you, that you are obviously a significant part of the problem, and if you suspect that perhaps, maybe, you might not have followed him, that there may be something to that, although it's largely his fault and everything else, and maybe if you're the kind of person who has just a little bit of self -awareness, to say that maybe

I made life a little bit difficult for him, maybe, I don't know, it's possible, then if you want to know if you're this type of woman, it really isn't all that hard to find out.

I would say that if you have any kind of social relationships with anyone around you, you might ask any mature women around you to say, what do

I put off as a follower? Am I the overly critical woman?

Am I the one who's constantly undermining my wife? And you might have a bunch of people who have been praying for an opportunity to tell you that every time you're in public with your husband, you're constantly belittling him and undermining his authority, constantly disagreeing with everything he says, constantly disrespecting him in public.

It might be that if you just ask a few questions, you might find out that this is more of a significant problem than you realize, and so if this is you in that kind of situation, then my advice to you at that point would be fundamentally, you're the person with the log in your eye, and at this point, the bigger issue that you have right now is figuring out how to follow a husband with a good attitude.

You're the kind of person in this kind of scenario, if that's you, that has really no right to even remotely be trying to fix your husband at that point.

At this point, the only thing that you need to be doing is asking forgiveness. You need to be asking very detailed, specific forgiveness that is not just, hey,

I'm not a very good follower, sorry, or something like that. What you need to be doing is giving examples, very specific examples, and you might want to write out a big script about all the ways in which you have functionally made your husband's life miserable, and basically say, hey,

I'm sorry, and will you please forgive me for what I've done? I've sabotaged our marriage,

I've ruined our marriage, I've been the bitter Proverbs woman. That may need to be your stance, and until you can figure out how to even remotely be a follower, at that point, you really have nothing to say to this conquered coward.

Now, the conquered coward needs his own set of advice, but we will not pretend as if this is not a real situation that many men actually find themselves in, and women find themselves in, and there is a type of person like that, and the problem is that basically no woman wants to say, that's me.

And so, because no woman wants to admit that this might be her, you might want to ask your friends, and ask your loved ones, and ask people.

If you suspect that that may be going on a little bit, you might want to pray, and ask God to soften your heart, and ask other people for a perspective on it.

And if that is you, at that point, the Bible says, if anyone's caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in the spirit of gentleness, look unto yourself, lest you also be tempted.

You may not be qualified to help your husband to deal with his leadership problems, until you can deal with the massive following problems that you actually have in this kind of scenario.

This has been another installment of Iron Sharpening Iron. As always, if you would like to have your question included in one of these midweek episodes, email us at BibleBashedPodcast at gmail .com.

Don't forget to subscribe, and follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Gab. Now, go boldly, and obey the truth in the midst of a biblically illiterate world who will be perpetually offended by your every move.