What Do I Do If My Worthless Husband Won't Lead? The Limp-Wristed Beta

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Welcome to Bible Bashed, where we aim to equip the saints for the works of ministry by answering the questions you're not allowed to ask.

Listen and enjoy this installment of Iron Sharpening Iron, as Pastor Tim answers your sincere questions.

Here's Pastor Tim. On this episode of Iron Sharpening Iron, we will be continuing our discussion,

What Do I Do If My Worthless Husband Won't Lead? And the situation we have in mind in particular on this episode is the situation where a woman finds herself married to a limp -wristed beta.

Now, as a result of feminism, one of the things that has happened is that we live in a society right now which doesn't understand that there are functionally creational differences between men and women.

Our society is actively trying to feminize men and to turn women into males.

That's essentially what's happening. It's attempting to masculinize women and to feminize males.

The degree to which it's successful is the same degree to which men will despise women and women will despise men.

Men are made to be attracted to feminine traits in women, and women are made to be attracted to masculine traits in men.

In some sense, this is unavoidable, and there's nothing that can be done about it. It is what it is.

And so what that means at a societal level is that women are always going to be attracted to the masculine men or what we describe as the alpha male.

Women are always going to be attracted to that no matter what. They will, and that's just the way it is.

But there are types of people, the minority types of people, who are trained to look for a man who has feminine traits.

And because they are told that those are desirable traits and they're going to make for a good marriage, one of the things that happens is many people might be temporarily deceived into thinking that that's what they should be looking for.

And then if they land that plane, one of the things that happens is, and they actually find themselves married to emasculated men who functionally act as much or more like a woman than they do, they will end up despising that man and wanting nothing to do with him.

And so what we're describing in this kind of scenario is the type of situation where a woman finds herself married to an emasculated man who functionally provides little to no leadership to her and is fundamentally a source of discouragement and revulsion for her.

What does she do when she's in that kind of situation where she's married to the passive male who functionally she can't distinguish from a female friend that she might have?

Now, one of the problems with the rise of the servant -leader movement within the church is that the church is in a thoughtless way following the basic premises of feminism.

And let me just make a side note there. When I'm criticizing feminism, I'm not criticizing females. I'm criticizing an ideology that both men and women are falling prey to.

So this is an ideology which basically asserts that there is no difference between men and women and functionally is trying to minimize those differences and encourage men towards femininity and women towards masculinity.

That's what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about women. I'm not criticizing women. I'm criticizing an ideology there.

But one of the things the church has done is because it's fallen prey to this kind of thinking is instead of producing masculine leaders, it's producing feminine servant -follower types.

And a lot of the biblical literature at that point is producing the kind of guy who conceives of leadership as essentially going and asking his wife permission about what decisions to make almost at every point.

And if you're the type of man who is actually doing that, one of the things to realize is that you are a significant source of frustration to any woman.

Because one of the things to realize is that God has made men to lead and He's equipped men to lead. And when you abdicate that form of leadership, you are emasculated in the eyes of a woman and she won't want to be intimate with you because she looks at you as functionally a neutered man.

God has made women to follow, and God has made women, when they do follow, to follow a man who is confident and who is capable.

That is meant to be a significant source of safety for women. And when that is absent, what happens is that many women feel a significant source of instability in that there's this person that is in their life that they're supposed to follow who refuses to provide any practical and tangible direction for them.

And it's a pretty unsettling kind of situation to be in, even if it's the type of situation that in some sense she has created.

So the thing is that if you are a woman in that kind of scenario, married to that kind of man, you might have a reasonable kind of question, well, what do

I do in that kind of situation? He thinks of leadership as involving coming and asking me what

I think I should do at every point. And the problem is I don't know what we should do. I thought he was the leader.

I don't understand why this is happening. And so then if you're that type of woman and you go up to that type of man who has basically developed some sort of habit of every time there's a choice about where you're going to eat, he asks you, where do you want to eat, honey?

And what do you want to do today? And what do you want to watch today? And is there anything that you want to do?

And what do you think we should do about this scenario? And what do you think we should do about this scenario? And hey, we're parking.

Where do you think I should park? And which store do you think we should go to first? Do you think that we should go to this store first or this store first?

And what do you think? At that point, you know, if a man is doing that kind of thing, and if you were to come up to him and say, hey, honey,

I'm the follower. You're the leader. What do you think we should do today? His response might be to say, oh,

I don't care, honey. We can do whatever you want to do at that point. And so I've given that kind of advice to a woman who is married to a man who is somewhat passive.

And if that kind of woman comes up to this kind of nice man who functionally has no leadership sense in him whatsoever, who takes no initiative and everything else, and she says, honey, you know, what is your leadership plan for me today or something along those lines?

Instantaneously, that guy has been trained over long experience to basically ask her the question. And so he's going to turn the question back around to her, and then she's going to be even more frustrated.

Now, I mean, what do you do if you're in that kind of scenario? Well, one of the things that you might do is you might fundamentally reject this man's trying to prefer you at every single point.

And what I mean by that is, you know, when your nice guy, servant, leader, husband comes up to you and says, you know, what do you want to do today, honey?

One of the things that you might do at that point is say, you're the leader. You tell me. I'm willing to follow you with whatever decision you make.

You know, and if you get the response to that as being, well, I just want to do what you want to do, honey.

You say, well, that's great. You're the leader. So let me know when you when you figure it out what we're going to do, and I'll follow it.

If that makes sense. And so one of the things that you want to do in that kind of scenario is make that kind of impulse that that kind of man has completely like don't ever respond to it.

Now, part of like part of part of the difficulty there is that there might be like when you find yourself in that kind of situation and you're married to that kind of man who is constantly trying to prefer you.

There is something that's selfless about that, and there's something that's thoughtful about that. And there's something that your own heart might want to latch on to to say that, hey, at least this allows me to have control over every single situation.

It may cause me to despise my my husband because it's he's failing to produce the kind of leadership in more significant areas that he needs to.

But functionally, what this means is that I'm always getting my way. And you might realize that within your own heart, there is a temptation to not want to give that up.

It may be nice to always get to eat wherever you want to go and to watch whatever show you want to watch and to do whatever you want to do and always have him follow your commands.

But then the problem is that that that what you need to do is you need to realize that if that's the standard state of affairs, that that's what's happening on an everyday basis as it relates to trivial things.

It's also going to happen in the same sort of way with significant things. And so what you can't do is just say,

OK, we'll have some expectation that he leads in the significant areas. But then as it relates to, you know, all the preference kind of issues, you just be the person who's constantly getting your own way.

What you want to do in that kind of scenario is you need to realize that you need some sort you need to have some sort of comprehensive rejection of this fundamental stance that your husband has that basically considers leading to be following your every whim.

So one of the things that you want to do is whenever he comes to you with those kind of things, you basically say, hey, you're the leader.

You tell me and stick to your guns. And he says, well, I just want to do what you want to do. And I say, well, you're the leader.

Tell me what we're going to do and I'll follow. And he says, well, my leadership is you tell me what your preference is.

It's like, well, you're the leader. You tell me and I'll follow. I'm happy to follow. And so I would just dig your heels in and keep on digging your heels in.

And then one of the things you might realize is that you have to dig your heels in once. You know, it's not enough to just say, hey, I tried that one time and then, you know, he keeps on doing it.

So I could just dig your heels in, cross the board, say, you're the leader. You tell me what to do.

And then, you know, if there's decisions to be made within the home, go to him and say, hey, how are you going to lead in this situation?

You know, the same thing that I said in a lot of the last episodes, you go to your husband, you say, hey, here's a problem that's happening within the home.

Kids are fighting all the time. Kids are at each other's throats. They won't listen to anything I say. What do you think we should do about it?

You know, and I don't know, honey. I don't know, honey.

Why don't we just be praying about it? It's like, okay, you know, and then, well, you might say, are we going to pray about it now?

Well, let's pray about it now. And then you might say, hey, whenever you get an answer to that,

I want to know. And so, I think in that kind of scenario with this kind of person, however it has come about, and it might have come, like, here's the thing.

It might have come about because there's part of you that absolutely likes the idea of controlling all the minor details and everything else.

It might be the kind of thing that if that's a big, comprehensive problem and that you're going to address, it might be the kind of thing that you go up to your husband and you say, hey, you know,

I've just, I want you to forgive me. For allowing you to passively pass the buck of leadership to me.

I feel like in this home, functionally, I'm making all the decisions. It's not healthy. I ask you to forgive me for allowing that to happen.

And I want to follow you. I want to be a better follower. And that means you're going to have to give me more direction and tell me what to do.

And I'm going to come to you and I expect that you're going to provide me direction.

And I think at that point, I mean, I think you can just refuse to play ball as far as that goes.

And you can just say, hey, you're the leader. What are we doing? And do that across the board in some kind of consistent way.

And you might be surprised at what actually happens with your marriage and your relationship at that point.

If you learn to start identifying all the ways he's trying to pass off leadership to you and functionally you reject that and you make him start making decisions, it may be the kind of thing that he's never learned to do.

And you're going to have to do is be patient with him and loving to him and other centered towards him. But you can just say no.

You decide you're the leader. Follow whatever you say. And that's not being disrespectful. That's saying you're the leader.

The Bible says we have to obey God rather than man. And what you're asking me to do is take your job over and I refuse to do it.

This is your job. You tell us what to do. And the problem though is that the thought of doing that in this kind of scenario can be a bit terrifying.

It can be a bit terrifying because one of the things to realize is that how are you supposed to trust someone who's fundamentally so incompetent at leadership to all of a sudden start?

And if you start trusting him to do that and if you just say, hey, I'm not taking that, you do that, then that can be a scary kind of situation because you're basically trying to follow someone who functionally has zero leadership ability whatsoever.

But the problem is, yeah, you know what? He'll probably make a bunch of blunders. And you know what? Like it's better for him to blunder forward as a leader than it is for you guys to continue the servant leader follow game forever.

And so I would encourage you just to plant your feet in the ground and say, no, enough is enough.

No more. You know your your turn and go with that. And if you'd like to see more of these midweek episodes, email us at biblebashedpodcast at gmail .com.

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