The School of Everyday Christianity 7: How to Say No

Saying No Without Rejecting the Person

Welcome to the School of Everyday Christianity where we apply the Bible and Christian teaching to the questions and problems and situations that we face in the course of everyday life. Today we want to ask the question, how do we say no?

For you see, we often say yes to too many things, and the result is broken promises, subpar efforts, subpar work, or maybe just a really frenzied life. And Christians especially are susceptible to saying yes to too many things because of our emphasis on kindness and sacrifice and love.

But if we're not supposed to say yes to everything, then how do we learn to say no? I want to give you five tips that I've adapted from Pastor Michael Foster, who himself adapted these from Greg McCown's book, Essentialism.

And so the first of these tips is to remember that you are, when you're saying no, you're rejecting the decision, not the person. So too often we think that when we say no, that we're rejecting the person.

We're not just rejecting the offer or the idea, but we think we're rejecting the person, but that's just not true. And anyone who will insist that you're rejecting them when you tell them no, well now they're moving into the realm of manipulation.

So you need to remember when you're saying no to someone, you're not rejecting that person as a person. You're simply rejecting that one very specific request or idea or offer. Secondly, we want to keep the trade-off in mind.

So whenever you say yes to one thing, you're always saying no to something else because you can't be in two places at once doing multiple different things at one time. So there's always a trade-off, so you need to keep that in mind.

And so do you really want to say no to time with your wife or with your kids or at your church or whatever it is in order to say yes to this other thing? There's always a trade-off, and you need to keep in mind your priorities.

And so as you're counting the cost, as you are running the calculations on the trade-off of what you're going to trade in order to say yes, you need to prioritize the relationships in your life, the time commitments in your life, your duties, and your responsibilities.

Being Willing to Be Unpopular

So keep the trade-off in mind. And the third thing is you need to be okay with being temporarily unpopular or being temporarily not liked. People like hearing yes, and when they hear no, they can become maybe angry or maybe it disappoints them.

But here's the thing, they'll get over it, and they'll respect it. And they'll respect you. If you respect your time or you respect your boundaries, they will learn to respect those as well. And so develop a little bit of resistance to being temporarily unpopular or unliked.

Giving a Straight Answer

Fourth tip would be give a straight answer. It's better to give a kind, direct answer than to kind of hem and haw and beat around the bush and say, well, maybe, because we all know that person who rather than saying no, they'll say maybe, but we all know that they mean no.

No, do them the kindness. Do them the favor of giving them a direct answer. That'll help them. It'll help them plan if it's a question about time. It'll help them get ready for the event if it's a question about your attendance.

Maybe what they're proposing is some sort of idea, something the group should do, and maybe it's a really bad idea, and they need to know that. And so you kindly tell them no, and they'll appreciate that.

They'll appreciate being helped in that way. So give them a straight answer. And then the fifth thing is tell them what you can do. Maybe you can't do whatever it is that they're asking. Maybe you're not available on Friday, but you're available on Saturday.

Offering What You Can Do

So you can tell them, I can't do this, but I can do that. Let them know what you're available to do, what you're willing to do. And that will at least help soften the blow, but at the same time protecting your time and your boundaries, whatever those are at your current station in life.

And I know that this can be very difficult. You want to help the person. You don't want to hurt their feelings. You don't want to let them down. So it can be difficult. And yes, there are times when you're going to need to say yes when maybe you'd rather say no, because you're going to do that out of Christian love.

But if we don't learn how to say no, and to say no consistent with the Scriptures and consistent with Christian principles, then what we're going to end up doing is we're going to let everyone else make decisions for us and for our family, but God has called us to make those decisions.

And so we must learn how to say no. This is The School of Everyday Christianity. Thank you for tuning in.