The Twin Pillars of a Godly Marriage - “The Role of a Husband” (Part 4)

Merry Christmas to you all.

Indeed.

Indeed, huh? Before we open the word together, let's pray. Our great God and Father, we come to you this morning with hearts overflowing with gratitude. For you are indeed a merciful and gracious God.

And that is displayed most prominently in the gift of your son. That he, the second person of the triune God, stepped into space and time and took to himself human flesh. That he was made like us, that we might be like him.

That this humbling of the taking on of humanity remains his forevermore. That he now is forever our connection with you. That in his resurrected life, we too will be raised. That we will experience the life of God in our own soul.

And we experience it now by faith and we long for the day when faith will become sight. This time of year when we are reminded of the incarnation in a perhaps unique way. We just want to pause and thank you.

Thank you for the gift of Christmas in the birth of your son. And we pray now, our father, as we open the word together that our hearts would be eager to hear. That your spirit would work to apply the truth where it needs be for each of us.

Grant us a robust and bold faith to take hold of the truth. Put it into practice. For the glory of Christ alone. In whose name we pray, amen. All right.

The Marriage Relationship and Its Place in Ephesians

Well, marriage.

Marriage. The marriage relationship is the oldest and most essential of all human relationships. It was established by God on the sixth day of creation. And it is and remains the basis of all human flourishing.

It all begins there. The marriage relationship also serves, in the words of one commentator, God's purposes on a larger scale. In that no other relationship within the family so fully mirrors God's purposes in the universe.

The reality and the implications of that statement are going to become increasingly evident to us as we continue our study here in Ephesians. So we are in chapter five of Ephesians. So we would want to open up there, please.

Fifth chapter. We're studying this under the heading of biblical authority and submission. This morning, the role of the husband, part four. The role of the husband, part four. Ephesians chapter five.

And we've laid out our plan of study in that there are 14 characteristics, we've said 14 characteristics of a husband's authority. We're looking at them so that we might understand them, appreciate them, and exercise them in a Christ-honoring fashion within our marriage and home.

We noted at the beginning that a husband's authority is unavoidable. That was our first of the 14. Secondly, that a husband's authority is covenantal. Third, that a husband's authority is reflective. Last week, a husband's authority is primary.

And number five, and again, last week we introduced it, but number five, a husband's authority is loving. A husband's authority is loving. So that's where we are. A husband's authority is loving. And we introduced this characteristic last week by reflecting upon the loving relationships within the Trinity itself.

We noted that Michael Reeves in his book, Delighting in the Trinity, is very, very helpful in exploring this topic and elaborating upon it. And again, I will commend that book to you. It's not too late for a belated Christmas gift for one or the other or both of you.

Delighting in the Trinity, I highly recommend it. In 1 Corinthians chapter 11, Paul writes, I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.

We've noted that this headship slash authority structure is the channel through which the love of God flows. We outlined it for you last week. In a bit of repetition, let's do it again. It works, this channel works like this.

First, the father is the head and the lover of the son. The father is the head and the lover of the son. While the son certainly loves the father, it is Christ the son who is referred to as the beloved.

He is the one referred to as the beloved. We see this in chapter one of Ephesians in verse six, where we read to the praise of the glory of his grace, which he, the father, freely bestowed on us in the beloved, in the beloved.

Luke chapter three and verse 22, Luke three and 22. And the Holy Spirit descended upon him, that is Christ, in bodily form like a dove, and a voice came out of heaven, you are my beloved son, in you I am well pleased.

The father is the initiator, the son is the responder in that relationship. That's what we noted last time. The father is the initiator, the son is the responder. The father is the head and the lover of the son.

Second, the son is the head and lover of the church. The son is the head and the lover of the church. There in the upper room in John 15 and verse nine, Jesus himself says, just as the father has loved me, I have also loved you.

As the father loved me, I love you. Again, the helpful words from Michael Reeves in his book, he writes, quote, this means that Christ loves the church first and foremost. His love is not a response given only when the church first loves him.

His love comes first. We only love him because he first loved us. Something that we would all readily agree with. Christ is the lover. The church is the beloved. He is the initiator. We, the church, are the responders to his love.

Father, son, Christ, church. Third, in marriage itself. In marriage, the husband is the head and lover of his wife. The husband is the head and the lover of his wife. She is the beloved and he is called to model his love for her after Christ's love for his church.

Verse 25, husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her. That means that the husband is the initiator and the wife is the responder. Same relationships. This means that like the church, she is not called to earn his love.

She's not called on to earn his love, but again, to quote Reeves, she can enjoy it as something that is lavished upon her freely, unconditionally, and maximally. This is what it means to love your wives as Christ loved the church.

This is the theological foundation underneath a husband's love for his wife. Father to son, son to church, husband to wife. That's the theological foundation that sits underneath this. Now, we can probably all pretty readily agree to such things.

The crux of the matter is when the rubber meets the road. How does this work itself out? And thinking about this and the husband's love for his wife, what I want to do this morning is focus on three aspects of what it means to love like Christ loves the church,.

Gentlemen.

Three aspects in which our love for our wives must be displayed, okay?

There are three of them.

A Husband's Love Must Be Tender

The first is this.

A husband's love must be tender. A husband's love must be tender. In Colossians 3 and verse 19, we read, husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

That's the ESV translation, by the way, of Colossians 3 .19. Now, the verb translated harsh, interesting verb. It appears only four times in the New Testament, once here by Paul, and three other times in the book of Revelation.

So it's four occurrences in the New Testament, three in the book of Revelation, once here by Paul. In the book of Revelation, it refers to that which enters the stomach and brings bitterness and a violent response.

It speaks of that which is sharp, harsh, or bitter. That which is harsh, sharp, or bitter. Because, gentlemen, we are sinners, there is a great temptation for us as husbands to act toward our wives in such a way that is harsh.

That's the reality of being a sinner. Let me give you some examples or illustrations of what this looks like. These are all drawn from my personal experience through the years in pastoral counseling. I have observed every one of these at least once.

So, here they are, men. You are being harsh with your wife when you ask her to run the household without giving her enough money to do it. Asking her to run the household without providing sufficient means financially for her to fulfill the task that you have asked her to do.

Or, you are being harsh with your wife when you overspend and must pressure the family finances. This is not loving your wife, this is being harsh with your wife. You are being harsh with your wife when you treat her like a domestic servant whose job it is to wait on you and to clean up after you.

Pick up your own socks. It's not her responsibility to pick up where your mother left off and failed. When you treat her as a domestic servant, you are being harsh with her. You are being harsh with your wife when you prioritize your recreational activities above the family's needs.

That might be in terms of expenditure and it might be in terms of allocation of time. So, if your recreational activities trump the family's need, you are being harsh with your wife and leading her to bitterness.

You are being harsh with your wife when you are too busy to sit down and talk to her, to draw out her inner hopes. Her dreams and her fears. If your conversation is essentially, yup, okay, whatever. That is harshness towards her.

You need to speak with her and talk to her.

And draw her out.

You being harsh with your wife when you ridicule her or make light of her concerns. Oh honey, don't be stupid. That's no big deal.

That's harsh.

That's a harsh way to approach your wife. You are being harsh with your wife when you provide no means for her to respectfully, respectfully rather, appeal a decision that you have made that she does not agree with.

You are being harsh with her if you do not provide a means for her to respectfully appeal your decision. Appeal, I didn't say change it. I said appeal it where you have made a decision that she thinks you are wrong.

You need to provide a mechanism for her to appeal. And if you don't, you are being harsh. You are being harsh with your wife, gentlemen, when you refuse to admit you have made a mistake or ask for forgiveness when you sin against her or your children.

A failure to admit mistakes or ask forgiveness is a harsh approach, a harsh approach.

I'm just gonna leave it up here.

So I don't have to keep reaching down for it. We need like a coffee cutout. You are being harsh with your wife when you bring up old sins and mistakes and use them as ammunition in a present conflict.

That is being harsh with your wife. You are being harsh with your wife when you flirt with other women. You flirt with other women, you are being harsh with your wife. You are being harsh with your wife when you provide no relief from the pressures and duties of young motherhood.

It is a grueling task. And if you cannot or don't think it's necessary to provide some relief for her, even as simple, gentlemen, as like watching the kids and let her go shopping on a Saturday for groceries by herself.

Just like two hours of time by herself would be greatly appreciated by most. You are being harsh with your wife when you do not take responsibility for the discipline of your children, when you do not take the responsibility for the discipline of your children.

You're being harsh when you speak sharply or critically or condescendingly to her. When you speak to her with sharp language, when you speak to her with critical language, when you speak to her in a condescending way.

That is harsh.

You're being harsh when you call her names or curse her. You're being harsh when you require her to check in with you on every decision. When you require her to check in with you on every decision, you are effectively treating her as your inferior or a child.

It's harsh. It's harsh.

And finally, because we need to get out of this, you're being harsh with your wife when you fail to provide spiritual direction and leadership in your home, and you grow angry and defensive when she brings it up with you.

You are being harsh. This is not an exhaustive list. This is merely a representative list. And like I said, I have seen it, all of them throughout the years. There are just a few ways a husband can be harsh with his wife.

But Christian men are called to be tender, tender. Secondly, a husband's love must be knowledgeable. First, tender, second, knowledgeable. I will turn you to 1 Peter chapter three for this. 1 Peter chapter three, and in particular, verse seven.

1 Peter chapter three and verse seven. You husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman. And show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life so that your prayers will not be hindered.

In the same way.

What way is that?

In the same way. Notice, and we won't get lost in this, but just notice verse one. In the same way, you wives be submissive to your husbands. Notice in verse 18, servants be submissive to your masters.

Notice in 3 .8, to sum it up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, and brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit. There is a thread that is running through here. This is the same way thread. And it's the thread, basically, of submission to those in authority over us.

Ultimately, because it represents the lordship of Christ, and to live in submission to God-established authorities is to live the Christian life. So what Peter is saying here to husbands, in the same way your wives are called upon to submit to the lordship of Christ, the same way slaves are called upon to submit to the lordship of Christ, the same way that all of us are called upon to submit to the lordship of Christ, you need to submit to the lordship of Christ in your marriage.

Specifically, Peter is urging them to conduct their marriage, notice this, in an understanding way, you see it? Live with your wives in an understanding way, literally, according to knowledge. Katagenosen, according to knowledge.

You are to live with your wife according to knowledge. Now, the obvious question is, what knowledge must a husband take into account in his marriage? We're to live with her according to knowledge. What knowledge is it that we're supposed to take into account?

And the answer to that is a knowledge that takes into account the similarities and the differences between men and women. Newsflash, gentlemen, she is not just a prettier version of you, right? Yeah, she's a woman, she is not a man, she is a woman.

Now, we get an inkling of the reason that Peter speaks about the need for knowledge and understanding when he speaks about her being weaker, do you see it? Live with your wives in an understanding way as with someone weaker, since she is a woman.

Now, the commentators are divided over this, exactly what Peter means, she is weaker. Is he making a reference to her being physically weaker? Wives being physically weaker than husbands, is that the point?

Is it a reference to her being emotionally weaker? Wives being emotionally weaker than husbands, is that the point? Or is he speaking positionally, that she is positionally weaker than you? I think that all of the above are true, and if you pushed me to decide that it's got to be one of the three, I think it's the positional one, and I will tell you why here shortly.

But let's at least review the evidence. Men, on average, are stronger than women because they have a greater muscle mass. That used to be, like, not debatable in the slightest. And it is still not debatable, in the slightest.

Changing the rules to accommodate this does not make it real. Women have, on average, a lesser weight of muscle mass than men. Not debatable. Therefore, she cannot work in the same way that you do. She is not constituted by God to work in the same way that you do.

She's not, as I said, just a prettier version of you. Emotionally, women are generally put together with a greater sensitivity and emotional frailty than men. I call as a witness any husband who has ever unintentionally hurt his wife's feelings.

That is evidence number one. All of you have done it. Most of you have done it within the last 48 hours. Okay? It's unintentional, often, and you're kind of surprised by it all. Women are not as easily able to wall off emotions as men.

That's another marvelous way God has created us, huh? That we're not identical in this stuff. So, physically weaker, yes. Emotionally weaker, I believe so. Positionally weaker, yes. I think this is actually what Peter's after.

Positionally. Because women are called to submit to the authority of their husbands, they are placed in a position of relative weakness in the relationship. Relative weakness in the relationship. In other words, because their husband is in the stronger position of authority, her wife can be exploited by him.

I believe this is why Peter tells the wives, in verse six, not to fear. You see this? Pick it up in, let's see, verse five. For in this way, in former times, the holy women also who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands.

So that's what we're talking about. Just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord, there is a recognition here about positional strength, versus one versus the other. And you have become her children if you do what is right.

What is, do what is right in the context here, it's be submissive to your wife, without being frightened by any fear. Without being frightened by any fear. What kind of fear would come across a woman who is submitting to one in authority over her?

Well, I think the obvious answer would be is, what if he exploits me in this? What if he exploits me? That can be a fearful possibility for a wife. And there her faith is called to be tested. Where she is called to be like Christ, look at the end of chapter two, where he being reviled, verse 23, did not revile in return, while suffering he uttered no threats, but he kept entrusting himself to him who judges righteously.

Jesus goes before us, and is the perfect model of what it means to submit to authority, even unreasonable authority. So I think what Peter's getting at, down here in verse seven, is that in the relationship, the wife is in a position of relative weakness to her husband.

So in light of that, back to verse seven, Peter is calling the husbands to be considerate of their wives, and not take advantage of them, right? In the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman, and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

Men, we are not to take advantage of the relative position of weakness and strength in the relationship, to exploit our wives, but rather to recognize them and honor them as equals. Recognize and honor them as equals.

They, pardon me, are created in the image of God, just like us. They are joint heirs with us of God's grace. They are joint heirs with us of God's grace. Very fine commentary on first Peter by Hebert.

He writes the following. Just like their husbands, wives believe in the same Savior, are redeemed by the same ransom, live by the same grace, and look forward to the same eternal destiny. Joint heirs of the grace of life.

The reason Peter is giving here for this command is because it's something that, for us men, it's hard not to view weakness as inferiority. We quickly transition from weakness to inferiority. And when we do that, it just shows that we need to think more clearly about things.

We need to think more clearly about things. Let me ask you this, which is stronger? A hammer or a coffee cup? Which is stronger? It's obvious, isn't it? A hammer. Which one is better? Kind of depends what you want to do, doesn't it?

It doesn't drive nails very well. But have you ever tried drinking coffee from a hammer? Strength and weakness do not equate with superiority and inferiority. It depends on the task at hand, depends on the task.

And so Peter warns husbands who tend to be habitual blockheads in these matters, that this is a serious issue. And he issues a very serious warning to us. So that your prayers will not be hindered. In other words, a failure to value your wife as a weaker vessel will hinder your prayers.

That's what Peter is saying. It will hinder your prayers. Now, there's differences of opinion as to what prayers he's talking about. Is it just his prayer life in general? It will hinder your prayer life in general if you are rampaging through your home and treating your wife as some sort of inferior person?

Yeah, probably will. Probably will.

Not sure that's what it is, but maybe.

It's possible that it is speaking.

About your prayers for her salvation. Because we notice that in the context here, it begins in verse one, where the wives should be submissive to their own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives.

In other words, there is, in this case, kind of a silent evangelism going on. And so perhaps in that context, it's speaking here about a husband's wife for the salvation of his wife. A husband married to an unbelieving woman.

And that would certainly make sense. If you are married to an unbelieving woman and you are treating her harshly, you know, your Christianity is not particularly appealing. So it could be easy to see how that could be certainly a hindrance to your prayers for her redemption.

It may also be a reference to, if I can call it, this family worship. In other words, if your conduct in your home and with your wife is such that you are treating her as an inferior, then the family devotions and the prayers that you lead may be pretty ineffective.

They may be hindered. And maybe it's all of that. Maybe it's not specific because it's all of those ideas.

All of those ideas.

I think I can say this, gentlemen, to us with pretty good certainty. If you are out of fellowship with your wife, then you are out of fellowship with Christ. If you are out of fellowship with your wife, you are out of fellowship with Christ.

We're called to love with tenderness, gentlemen. We're called to love with knowledge. Third, a husband's love must be effectual, effectual. Go back to the fifth chapter of Ephesians. Effectual love, the third aspect.

Pick it up in verse 25. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her so that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless.

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. Recall here in verse 25, as a husband, to love our wives in a manner patterned after the self-sacrifice of Christ, right?

Love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Christ loved and delivered himself up for the church. This, therefore, implies that a husband's love for his wife should imitate that kind of love, a love that over in chapter three in verses 18 and 19 is described as a love that is broad, long, high, and deep, that we may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth and to know the love of Christ, which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

A sacrificial love, gentlemen, is broad. It is long, it is high, and it is deep. In other words, it is all-encompassing. It is all-encompassing. And in verses 26 and 27, Paul spells out the goals of Christ's self-sacrificing love, and he lists, I believe, three of them, and these goals serve as a pattern for the husband's love for his wife.

What does it look like? Well, according to verse 26, so that he might sanctify or purify the church, that he might sanctify or purify the church, those that he would set her apart for God, I think that's a good way to say it, to sanctify her, to sanctify, hagiadzo, to sanctify, to set apart.

The New Testament calls us saints, set-apart ones. Why did Christ die? That he might purify the church, that he might set the church apart. And notice how Paul describes the means by which Christ sets the church apart, that he might sanctify her, notice, by having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, I think this is a metaphor, I think this is a metaphor, and I think it's drawn from the common wedding tradition of that day, and from what was called the bridal bath, the bridal bath.

Loutron is the Greek word for the bridal bath. In the ancient times, it would go like this. Prior to marriage, a bride would bathe and apply cosmetics in preparation for meeting her husband. She would take a special bath and apply cosmetics just prior to the meeting of her husband.

And I think Paul, using this tradition of the bridal bath as a metaphor to speak about the cleansing effect of the word of God in purifying and setting apart the church. The washing of water with the word.

Why did he die? Purify us, set us apart. Secondly, why does he do this? Why does Christ sanctify the church? Look at verse 27, so that he might present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle, or any such thing.

Why does he die? Why does he sanctify? That he might set the church apart in all her glory. She has no spot or wrinkle. Again, I think he's continuing with the wedding metaphor here, and he's picturing a young bride whose dazzling beauty, her glory, is evidenced by her unwrinkled and unblemished complexion.

So I think he's just continuing to press metaphors drawn from wedding. And that would be appropriate, isn't it? Because what are we talking about here? Aren't we talking about husbands and wives? And husbands and wives originate in a marriage.

So it's all right here in our context. Why does Christ sanctify the church? So that he might present the church to himself beautiful, beautiful. And third, why does he make the church beautiful? Again, verse 27.

So that she would be holy and blameless. So that she would be holy and blameless. And here, again, I think the metaphor changes a little bit, because now it's the bridegroom who's the one who beautifies the bride and makes her holy and blameless.

I think, again, we have a wedding reference here, but here I think it slips back to Ezekiel chapter 16. You can look it up on your own. 16, eight to 14, where we read of God's work in purifying Israel for marriage.

So why does Christ die? That he might set apart and purify the church. Why does Christ sanctify the church? That he might present them to himself beautiful. Why does he make it beautiful? So that she would be holy and blameless.

What's the application to us? How do we take it from there to here? Verse 28, so husbands. So husbands, hutas. In the same way, I believe is how the English Standard Version translates that. In the same way, husbands, you are obligated to love your own wives.

You are obligated to love your own wives in the same way. Well, what does that look like? Well, first I think we can say that a husband's love for his wife is to be a cleansing love. It is to be a cleansing love.

And the cleansing happens through the washing with the word, verse 26. I think, husbands, we play a vital role here. A vital role in leading our wives in the study of scripture. We have a role to play and it is a vital role in the cleansing process of the word with our wives.

It is our responsibility and privilege to lead them in that way in the study of the scriptures. Men, your wives long, they long for you to lead them in the pursuit of Christ. They long for that. So read the scriptures with them.

Pray with them. Open a good book with them and read together. Lead them. Become the resident Bible teacher in your home. The person to whom your wife would readily turn when she has a question. Maybe you won't have the answer, but you can go find it.

You can go find it. Time for a shameless plug. So here it is. On the 22nd of January on a Monday night at six o 'clock, gentlemen, we will begin the men's study again. The topic will be Bible study tools and methods.

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The syllabus will be available perhaps as early as next week, okay? So mark your calendars, show up. Second, we can say that a husband's love is to be a beautifying love. Again, to present himself, the church, with all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle.

In other words, gentlemen, your husband's attractiveness is to a large result, I said it again, your husband's attractiveness is to a large extent the result of your husbandry, okay? What kind of a husband are you will show up on the face of your wife over time.

Now, we have no control over the aging process. God controls the aging process. But gentlemen, we do have a large influence on how those years reveal themselves in the faces and dispositions of our wives.

In other words, after living together for years, will our wives be haggard and harsh or will they be beautiful and sweet? We have a role to play in that. Perhaps, perhaps we don't like the direction things are going and we wanna change.

It reminds me of the illustration of the teabag in the hot water. Hey, let me kind of play it out for you. In order to make tea, you need a cup, you need hot water, you put in a teabag. If you put the teabag in, you add the hot water and the tea is terrible tasting.

The hot water does not change the flavor of the tea, the hot water merely draws out the flavor of the tea. If you wanna change the flavor, what do you do? You change the teabag, you change the teabag.

So, if the present situation in our marriage is such, gentlemen, that you go, man, I do not like the way this thing's going, then you need to change the tea. You need to change the tea and that means you need to change, you need to change.

Now, the ultimate purpose, third, the ultimate purpose in loving our wives like Christ is to promote their moral purity. Again, verse 27, she would be holy and blameless. It is to promote the moral purity of our wives.

As we lead spiritually in the home, we are actively involved in the disciple-making process. The disciple-making process is the process by which one comes into greater conformity to the image of Christ.

Therefore, gentlemen, actively loving your wife is part of making disciples. You are making disciples of your wives. This is why the home is both the laboratory and the proving ground for all spiritual leadership.

You do not rise or should not rise into spiritual leadership among the people of God if you cannot make a disciple in your own home beginning with your wife. If you cannot do that, then you will not be successful anywhere else.

So it begins there. Now, beloved, God's love gives us what we need, but not necessarily what we want, huh? Gives us what we need, not necessarily what we want. So as a husband, this requires us to be a student of both the scriptures and our wives.