TLP 34: Should Christian Parents Participate in Emotion Coaching?

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The Biblical Counselor has God's perfect insight into the heart issue that's inherent in the spirit of every man and woman.

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This adds a supernaturally dynamic level of power, hope, and answers. Welcome to Truth, Love, Parents, where we use

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God's Word to become intentional, premeditated parents. Here's your host,

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A .M. Brewster. There's a good possibility that many of you have never heard of a practice called emotion coaching.

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If that's you, you need to listen. And likely some of you have heard of emotion coaching, and you're going to need to stick around as well.

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As Christian parents, before we can accept or reject a parenting system, we need to understand what it is, its pros, its cons, and see whether or not it adheres to God's truth.

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So what is emotion coaching? Well, Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute, has a long list of accolades in the field of psychology, specifically for his work with families.

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By the way, all the information I'm about to cite comes from the Gottman Institute website. Over his decades of work,

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Dr. Gottman came to the conclusion that good parenting lies in understanding the emotional source of problematic behavior.

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And we know, we've been talking now for a number of days about emotions and the trouble that they can cause.

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So obviously his observation was accurate. And he identified four types of parents and categorized them specifically by how they respond to their children's emotions.

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Let me read for you his thoughts on these four types of parents. First of all, there's the dismissing parent.

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They disengage, ridicule, or curb all negative emotions. They feel uncertain and fears feeling out of control.

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So they use distraction techniques. They feel that emotions are toxic or unhealthy.

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They use the passage of time as a cure -all replacement for problem solving. Dr. Gottman believes that the effects are these.

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Children learn that there is something wrong with them, cannot regulate their emotions, feel that what they are feeling is not appropriate, not right, and abnormal.

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Secondly, Dr. Gottman names the disapproving parent. And he says, the disapproving parent is similar to the dismissing parent, but more negative, judgmental, and critical, controlling, manipulative, authoritative, overly concerned with discipline, and strangely unconcerned with the meaning of a child's emotional expression.

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The effects, he says, on the child are similar to the dismissing parent's techniques. Number three is the laissez -faire parent.

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They are endlessly permissive. They offer little to no guidance about problem solving or understanding emotions.

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They do not set any limits on behavior. They encourage, quote -unquote, riding out of emotions until they are out of the way and out of sight.

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The effects then on the children are the kids can't concentrate, can't get along with others, or form friendships, and they can't regulate their emotions in a healthy way.

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The fourth type of parent that Dr. Gottman has here is the emotion coach. This is what he calls the good parent.

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And then he gives us basically five essential steps of emotion coaching instead of giving us a description.

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He says, A, they are aware of their child's emotion. B, they recognize their child's expression of emotion as a perfect moment for intimacy and teaching.

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C, they listen with empathy and validate their children's feelings. D, they help their children to learn to label their emotions with words.

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And then E, they set limits when they're helping their children to solve problems or deal with upsetting situations appropriately.

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Okay, so that was a lot to digest, but I want to go back and I want to break down this idea of the emotion coach into more manageable chunks.

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However, before we can continue in our critique of emotion coaching and whether or not a

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Christian parent should embrace it, we really need to grasp two very important realities.

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Now, please listen carefully to what I say next so that there's no misunderstanding. Number one, I want you to know

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I love psychology. I have a master's of science in psychology and biblical counseling.

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Secular psychology has great merit as an observational science, but that leads me to number two, psychology does not live up to its name.

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Let's first work through these two statements and then we'll be able to address Dr. Gottman's theory. The word psychology literally means study of the soul.

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Biblically speaking, the human soul is an organic and spiritual unity between the human body and the human spirit.

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This is explained for us in Genesis 2 -7 and quote, "...the Lord God formed man out of the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and man became a living soul."

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Here we see two parts of a man's being, his body formed from the dust of the ground and his spirit, which is referred to as the breath of life, breathed into him by God.

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And the final clause says that when these two parts joined, man became a living soul. For those of you who know what a dichotomist and a trichotomist are,

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I would simply say I believe the Bible teaches that we have two parts. So I would be a modified dichotomist.

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We have two parts, the body and the spirit. And the word soul is not a third part, it just simply refers to the entity that is created when those two parts combine.

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We don't refer to a body without a spirit as a soul, and we don't refer to a spirit without a body as a soul.

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All this to say, since modern psychology denies the existence of the biblical spirit, it cannot fully comprehend the magnificent unity that is the soul and is therefore incapable of providing genuine answers to soul care.

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In regard to the study of the soul, psychology is really only half a science because it disregards the spiritual realities of life.

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So with that, we need to understand that to the degree that Dr. Gottman or any other psychologist or psychiatrist ignores the teachings of scripture, his system becomes more and more untrustworthy.

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And unfortunately, there's nothing about Dr. Gottman or his research or studies that leads me to believe he knows the

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Lord. Now, that's not me saying right off the bat that we can't find something extremely valuable in his concept of emotion coaching.

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That's just the foundation that we need to have as we move forward. In fact, my blanket response to the question, should

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Christians utilize secular psychology, is this, in part. As I mentioned before, psychology provides fantastic observations.

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People respond to various incentives, stimuli, pressures, and pleasures in observable ways, and modern psychology is a wealth of information in that vein.

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But the moment that I personally break from psychology is when they try to provide answers for the soul's problems.

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They don't even believe in the soul. How can they do that? And this is due to the fact that, again, they only see half the problem.

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The secular psychiatrist rightly observes that their patient wants to commit suicide. They're able to hear their patient blame his parents, his boss, his wife, and the world for being against him.

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They hear his woes about depression and anxiety. They observe all of this accurately, but when they start coming to conclusions, that's where we have trouble.

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Because those conclusions are informed by a worldview that denies God's existence. They believe their patient shouldn't commit suicide, and they agree with the patient that it definitely seems like he has a lot of stressors in his life.

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But since neither the doctor nor the patient are in any place to drastically affect all of the stressors in his life, the average doctor is left with just a couple options.

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One, you try to convince your patient to respond to life's stresses differently. This tract involves emotional exercises and worldview discussions.

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They may even involve just getting a new job. But two, we sometimes just have to medicate the patient against the emotional turmoil in the world so they can just focus on surviving.

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But neither of these can guarantee any lasting success because they both deny God's truth on the subject.

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However, the biblical counselor observes all the same issues and hears all the same explanations.

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But the biblical counselor also has God's perfect insight into the heart issue that's inherent in the spirit of every man and woman.

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This adds a supernaturally dynamic level of power, hope, and answers the secular psychologist lacks.

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And this is exactly the same tension I see in Dr. Gottman's work. I find it to be very beneficial in some regards, but hazardous in others.

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So let's start our critique of emotion coaching by working through the steps to being what Dr. Gottman calls, quote, a good parent or the emotion coach.

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He says, number one, that we need to be aware of our child's emotion. This is fantastic advice.

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We have to live with our family members according to knowledge. There's absolutely no room for ignoring our children's spiritual needs.

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And like we observed in our last two episodes, emotions are a reaction to stimulus and they grow out of our worldview, our philosophy of life, our belief system.

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So every time our children's emotions break forth, they're telling us something about how they, our children, interpret life and their place in it.

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And we need to be aware of this. So his first point is fantastic. His second point is equally as good. He says, number two, recognize your child's expression of emotion as a perfect moment for intimacy and teaching.

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Again, great advice. As intentional premeditated parents, we understand that every moment in life is a teachable moment.

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This is clearly even more important at times that our children may be betraying a misunderstanding concerning God, themselves, and the world.

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Dr. Gottman, who doesn't believe that an almighty God tasked us with the privilege and responsibility to parent, still believes that we should never shy away from parenting opportunities.

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How much more seriously should Christians view these moments than he? Now, his third step is this.

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Listen with empathy and validate your child's feelings. Okay, so here's where I need to split a sentence, okay?

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The first part of this thought is great. Listen with empathy. I believe that though the English word empathy doesn't appear in our

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Bibles, the ability to understand and share the feelings of another is clearly taught in verses such as Galatians 6, 2, where we are instructed to bear one another's burdens, and in examples where Christ wept as others wept.

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However, the call to, quote, validate our children's feelings may be misleading.

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You see, it's one thing for a child to say, I'm angry, and for us to respond, I see you're angry.

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That's, in a way, validating their emotion. But it's something completely different for parents to give the child the impression that the feeling they're experiencing is an appropriate response to the situation, without first discerning whether or not that is true.

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Let me elaborate here. Dr. Gottman made a very interesting observation. Listen carefully.

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All feelings are acceptable. All wishes are acceptable. Not all actions and behaviors are acceptable.

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All feelings are acceptable. All wishes are acceptable. Unfortunately, this is a falsehood for two reasons.

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Number one, a man's desires can be very wicked. Genesis 6, 5 says,

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Then the Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great on the earth, and that every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.

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Man's desires, what he wanted, what he wished for, they were wicked and evil.

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And number two, the second reason what he said is false is that there are acceptable times for acceptable emotions.

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But there are also unacceptable emotions. You see, joy and peace are almost always acceptable.

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Psalm 16, 11 says, You will make known to me the path of life, and your presence is fullness of joy.

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In your right hand there are pleasures forever. Anger can be appropriate at times and in the right ways, but it's not always acceptable.

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Ephesians 4, 26 says, Be angry and yet do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger.

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Here we see both appropriate and inappropriate times for anger. However, anxiety is never acceptable.

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Philippians 4, 6 tells us, Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

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And 1 Peter 5, 7 commands you to cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

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So, when God says we should not feel an emotion, that settles it for the Christian parent. However, it is helpful to acknowledge that the emotion isn't the root issue.

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It isn't. It's a fruit problem. Remember, the root issue is the child's worldview. If God isn't trustworthy and mom and dad aren't trustworthy and the world's a scary, out -of -control place, that anxiety makes sense.

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But when you serve a God of sovereign ability and infinite love and you trust the family he's wisely placed you into, then those realities dispel the anxiety.

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The root issue really wasn't the fear. It was my own faithlessness. So, that emotion at that time wasn't acceptable.

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So, to recap, one, yes, we should definitely be aware of our children's emotions. And two, we need to be prepared to parent our children through their emotional struggles.

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And three, we should have empathy. But, we mustn't allow our children to believe that their feelings are okay simply because they feel them.

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Now, the fourth observation Gottman makes is also a good one, but I don't think he quite goes far enough with it. He says, help your child learn to label their emotions with words.

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Our kids ride an emotional roller coaster most days, and we need to help them decipher, interpret, name, and understand the reality behind their feelings.

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Just like we teach them their left and their right and their colors and the names of their body parts, we need to explain to them what they're feeling.

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But we mustn't stop there. If my daughter's angry because her brother was unkind, I should help her to realize that what she's feeling is called anger.

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But then I need to help her understand the spiritual reality at play in the situation. I need her to understand why she got angry.

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Again, we've talked about James 4 a lot because it really, when it comes to parenting, conflict comes up so often.

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James 4 tells us, what is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasure that wages war in your members?

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Oh, look, we've got some wishes. We have some desires here that aren't acceptable. He says here, you lust, you desire, and you do not have, so you commit murder.

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You're envious and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You see, when my daughter is able to see that not only is she experiencing anger, but beyond that, she's experiencing it because she was being just as selfish and unloving as her brother was.

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And they both were doing that because at the moment, neither of them really cared about God's word and the commands

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He gives us about being kind and loving. Instead, they were arguing because their selfish lusts were being denied.

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And when they understand that, they will not only understand themselves better, but they'll also have an eternally valuable insight into who

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God is and what He expects from them. And if they're born again and filled with the Holy Spirit, trying to parent my daughter out of her inappropriate anger response will be much easier because I'm appealing to God and His truth to do it.

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And that not only leads us to Dr. Gottman's fifth step in being an emotion coach, but it addresses the significant spiritual issues in his thinking on this step.

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Gottman says, number five, set limits when you are helping your child to solve problems or deal with upsetting situations appropriately.

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And this sounds fantastic, but his explanation is kind of scary. His idea of, quote, setting limits is best explained by a blog on the

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Gottman Institute. He says, quote, the key element of limit setting in this case, contrary to much popular parenting literature, is to avoid harsh criticism of your child's actions and instead focus on the emotions underlying their behavior.

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Here we take Dr. Jannot's advice in making it clear to the child that although their behavior might not always be acceptable, their feelings and wishes always are.

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Again, we see the failure philosophy inherent in the system. However, it's nice that at least he recognizes that there is such a thing as unacceptable behavior.

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Unfortunately, he doesn't understand that both the unacceptable behavior and the unacceptable emotions are rooted in unacceptable beliefs about God.

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And instead of criticizing the child's actions, he wants us to get lost in the emotions. Now, I don't want to use these words the wrong way.

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He says that we shouldn't have harsh criticism, and we're talking about criticizing, and we oftentimes attach very emotional concepts to that.

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Criticism is not emotional. Criticism is simply providing information that says, okay, what you did wasn't right.

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And when we say you're not allowed to criticize, you're not allowed to judge, you're not allowed to discern, you're not allowed to use wisdom even to suggest that your child's behavior was wrong and their emotions are wrong, then we're contradicting scripture.

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We as parents are commanded to teach our children to love them, to nurture and admonish them, but we're also called to rebuke and correct.

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The most loving thing we can do is tell them that they are sinning against God, but that there's hope for forgiveness and change.

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So, should Christian parents advocate emotion coaching? I suppose the answer isn't an easy one.

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Some of you may say there are a lot of good ideas. With just the right tweaks, the system almost sounds biblical, and I would give you that.

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Unfortunately, if you tell someone, I really like emotion coaching my child, then you're kind of leaving them to assume that you've accepted and advocate the whole system.

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So, unless you're going to explain the faults inherent in the system every time, I believe you're doing more harm than good.

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You may inadvertently encourage a young parent to research emotion coaching and take it at face value because you just said you do it, and then they'd be reinforcing very unbiblical ideas in their home.

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So, here's my official answer. I've never been one with a deep desire to be hip and trendy. God's Word is enough for me.

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It's eternally relevant, and it provides everything I need to parent for life and godliness.

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Therefore, in discussions like these, I just wouldn't really find it valuable to say that I'm an emotion coach just because there are a number of similarities between what they do and what

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I do. However, being knowledgeable about the system makes me a better apologist as I encounter people who subscribe to the system.

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I'd much rather be an intentional, premeditated, disciple -making parent. It may be a little wordy, but it's biblical.

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Please don't forget to swing by evermindministries .com for today's episode notes. I'm also very excited about our next episode.

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Beloved Christian author and parent Tim Challies will join me to discuss parental blind spots.

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It'll be a very valuable discussion, and I hope you'll join us and tell your friends, especially those who like to share all of Tim's stuff on Facebook.

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And speaking of Facebook, please like and follow TLP on Facebook and me on Twitter at AMBrewster.

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And be sure to subscribe on iTunes and share this episode on social media. And if you get a minute, please rate and review us on iTunes as well.

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God created us to be emotional beings, but he also sets limits on those emotions. Our children really do need us to coach them through those feelings, and I hope today's discussion has equipped you for that task.

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See you next time. Truth. Love. Parents is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent.

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Join us next time as we search God's Word for the truth your family needs today.