"Making Golden Marriage" Ken Smith November 18, 2018 AM

A Golden Marriage Begins with the Golden Rule

We are warned, by it we are instructed, in your word there is life. So Lord we ask now that as we open our Bibles, Lord would you open our hearts, and may we receive all that you have for us today in your word, and by your word may we see Christ in whose name we pray, amen.

Well I would assume that it comes as no great surprise to you that the principles of God's word apply in a lot of different situations. I want to share with you one such situation where the president of a small computer software company applied a scriptural principle in his business.

This company had developed a new software which they sold on a five year contract to a particular bank. About a month later, the bank changed presidents. The new president of the bank came to the head of the software company and said, I'm uncomfortable with these software conversions.

Right now I have a whole lot of other things on my plate, and I've got a mess on my hands, and all my people are telling me that they can't go through this, and so I just don't feel like I can push it at this point in time.

Well the software company was itself in deep financial trouble, and they had every right to enforce the contract on the bank. So the head of the company said, we have a contract. Your bank has secured our products and our services to convert you to this program, but we understand you're not happy about it.

So what we'd like to do is give you back the contract, give you back your deposit, and if you're ever looking for a software solution in the future, come back and see us. The software company president said, I literally walked away from an $84 ,000 contract.

It was close to financial suicide. But I felt that in the long run, if the principle of scripture was true, it would come back and pay dividends later. Three months later, the new bank president called and said, I'm ready to make changes in my data processing, and I want to do business with you.

He signed a contract for $240 ,000. In dealing with that new bank president, the head of the software company sought to apply the principle of the golden rule, treat other people the way you would want to be treated.

Now there's no guarantee in doing so that he was going to get a contract that was three times what the previous contract was worth. And that's really not the point. The point is to live out scripture.

And certainly, most of us had parents who sought to impress upon us and somehow inculcate into our lives the golden rule, treat other people the way you would want to be treated. And hopefully, as we've grown up, we've seen the wisdom of those words.

And we've sought to apply that in school with our friends, and on the athletic field in competition, and in our workplaces, and so on. But certainly, one of the places where the golden rule has particular application is in the marriage relationship.

Each partner has a role to fulfill in making the marriage successful. But God places the primary responsibility at the feet of, or you could say, on the shoulders of the husband. To have a golden marriage, Christian husbands need to apply the principle of the golden rule throughout the breadth and depth of that marriage relationship.

Husbands, Live with Your Wives in an Understanding Way

And as I've had opportunity to preach here in filling in for Michael, we've been working our way through 1 Peter. And last time, I beat up on the wives in 1 Peter 3, verses 1 through 6. So today, we're going to take a shot at the husbands.

So if you have your Bibles, turn to 1 Peter 3, and we're just going to look at one verse. 1 Peter 3, verse 7. There, Peter says, likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Marriage is a two-way street. In a day of equal rights, equal access, equal opportunity, Peter talks here of equal responsibility. In the same way, he says, or likewise, husbands have a part to play, as do the wives.

One commentator said, a marriage in which all the privileges are on one side and all the obligations are on the other side is bound to be imperfect with every chance of failure. In the first few verses of chapter 3 here in 1 Peter, Peter has pointed to wives and how they are to follow the example of Christ.

They have been enjoined to imitate Jesus. And Peter now implies here that husbands should do the same, likewise, or in the same way as. And I don't know if Peter had ever read Paul's letter to the Ephesians, but certainly what Paul wrote to husbands in Ephesians chapter 5 applies here.

Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way. As we think about what it means to be a godly husband, a Christian husband, and how we as husbands are to apply the golden rule to treat our wives in a manner worthy of who they are as our, not only our wives, but our sisters in Christ.

Paul says, or Peter says here, one area in which we are to apply the golden rule, in which we are to live with our wives, has to do with just the very nature of our day-to-day physical existence in the home.

Peter says, husbands, dwell with or live with your wives. Literally means living together under the same roof, living in the same house. There are a lot of ways in which this can be applied, in which we ought to perhaps think of this section of verse 7.

Husbands are called to be faithful providers for the family, for their wives, to provide for the physical and material needs of the household. And the truth of the matter is, most husbands work hard at this.

Men work to be as good of a provider as they can be, to meet the needs of their wife, of their children, to take care of the home, to take care of the cards, to take care of the yard, and all those other things that often tend to fall under the purview of the man within the home.

Now, I don't say that in such a way as to, I have to be careful how I say it in our modern culture, because it sounds very sexist to put it in those terms. But the truth of the matter is, that men are called to be providers.

Men are called to be the ones to go out into the world. We live in a culture that seeks to minimize that importance. But the truth of the matter is, God has called men to that task. Don't minimize the importance of being a good and faithful provider in the home.

But men are also called to be protectors. One of the ways men, in which we are called to dwell with our wives, to live with our wives, is not just to provide for the basic physical material needs of the household, but to do what we can to protect our wives, to protect our children, to protect them against outside attacks, to check out those sounds that your wife hears in the night.

We had one of those last night at our house. I sleep through 99 .9 of all that stuff. Cheryl here is 99 .9 of all that stuff. And so, last night was one of those. Did you hear those shots? No. No, I didn't.

Do you want me to get up? I said, well, no, I didn't say did. I said, I'll get up and look. No, no, no, no. You don't need to. You need to be willing to get up, willing to be disturbed. I'm grateful when she wakes me most of the time.

I want her to be assured. I want her to feel safe. And it's not that I have great ninja skills that I could take out somebody if they were there, but I want her to know that I'm willing to do that, to be a protector of our home and a protector of her against outside attacks.

But for me to be a protector probably is even more significant to protect from those dangers that come inside the home. To protect our home against outside influences that can come over the TV, that can come through other ways into our home.

In particular, to protect my wife as a person. To let her know that she is loved and cherished. To build her up. To let her know that she is loved. You know, sometimes we will throw out the saying, well, it goes without saying that.

And it's fine that there are some things that it goes without saying that, but let it never be said in our homes that it goes without saying that my wife knows that I love her. That ought not ever to be true in any home, but especially in a Christian home.

Men, your wives not only need to hear it, they need to hear it often. They need to know that they are loved and cherished. And that's one way that you can protect your wife. To remind her over and over and over again, because she'll never get tired of hearing it, that you love her, that you care about her.

And that's a way of protecting her, of helping to guard her heart. Don't let others malign her or run her down in any way, especially not your children. You need to intervene in those situations. And you need to correct them and train them in saying those words that show respect and love and honor for mom.

And that's the dad's responsibility. That's the husband's duty to protect. That's a way of dwelling with your wife. To be the provider, to be the protector. That's how you would want to be treated. Treat her in that way and more.

Knowing Your Wife According to Knowledge

The second area that Peter points us to as husbands is that not only physically are we to care for our wives, but intellectually. It says, likewise, husbands, live with or dwell with your wives in an understanding way.

Literally means according to knowledge. According to knowledge. Years ago, a Christian counselor in Northwest Arkansas, Dr. Ed Wheat, wrote a book, a very good book, I don't even know if it's still in print or not.

But I read it a long time ago and it was very helpful to me. A book called Love Life for Every Married Couple. And in that book, he says that knowledge is indispensable in the exercise of godly love within the home.

He said, if the loving actions of agape love are not guided by precise knowledge of your partner, then those actions will miss the mark. At first I thought, okay, how can I illustrate that? And I thought of the smart bombs, you know, that are dropped now that can zone in on a target within like, I don't know, probably less than inside a square yard.

I mean, they're more accurate than that. If somehow the guidance system gets off on that, who knows where it's going to land. I thought, well, maybe that's not, I don't want to talk about destruction here.

So maybe that's not the best illustration. So I thought of the new thing that they say will be commonplace within just a few years and that whole deal of self-driving cars. Does that make anyone nervous besides me?

Okay. I mean, the way they talk, it's coming and it's going to be. But it worries me that I get in one of those cars and plug in the destination and just minimally. Suppose you plug in a destination and for some reason there's a glitch in the software and it takes you to 5900 West Reno rather than 5900 East Reno.

Okay. That's a minor inconvenience. Well, it could be. That's a long way. That's a big distance. But that would be frustrating if that happened. There's been some problem where you had a great intent but because correct knowledge was not there, you ended up in the wrong spot.

You missed the mark. Well, that's the point here. Peter says you can have great intentions, but if those intentions are not carried out according to knowledge, you're going to miss the mark. And so he says husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way.

Well, how is that understanding way to be carried out by husbands here? And the principle applies to wives as well, but Peter's specifically focusing on the husbands in this case. The first part of this that husbands often overlook is that they need to be equipped with a thorough biblical knowledge of God's expectations for the husband.

Men, do you know what the Bible has to say to you? What God's expectations for you as a husband are? Well, I'm to provide and protect. Okay. Are there any other elements where that needs to be shored up and lived out?

Men are notorious for not wanting to read. We don't spend time in God's word like we should, and we don't read other books written by good authors that help explain biblical principles in a way that we can understand it and grasp it and live it out.

Women are very good about reading books that will help them understand what it means to be a godly wife, godly mother, how to live that out. You could probably talk to any number of women here this morning, and they could probably name off at least a handful of books that they've read that's been helpful to them and useful.

I doubt that most men can name more than two, but there are good books out there in addition to scripture that can help equip you to be a good godly husband. The Christian Husband by Bob Lapine, okay, who's a co-host on Family Life Today with Dennis Rainey.

It's an excellent book, short book, easy to read. A longer book, a little more ponderous, but nevertheless a good book, The Exemplary Husband by Stuart. I can't remember the whole name now. It goes right out of my head.

I had it in my head. Now it's gone, but that's the title, The Exemplary Husband, Disciplines of a Godly Man by Kent Hughes. There are all kinds of good books out there that men need to read, perhaps read together and discuss together and encourage one another together.

But that's the beginning point here of living with your wife in an understanding way is, do I really know and understand what God's expectations of me as a husband are? And it begins with scripture and goes from there.

It also means that I know my wife, that I have an intelligent, intimate, perceptive knowledge of the unique individual whom God has given to me as my wife. I read the story of a woman who was married to a GM of an NBA basketball team and they were having some marital issues.

And she said to him, I wish you studied me as well as you have your owner. When you want to hit him up for $2 million for a certain player, you watch him and you study him to find just the right moment to talk to him about this important deal.

I wish you would take the same kind of time and effort to know me that well. Peter tells us husbands to live with our wives, to dwell with our wives according to knowledge in an understanding way. You need to know her, know what she desires and what she needs, know what will make her feel loved and do the very best you can to communicate those things on a consistent basis.

Dr. Wheat said again in that book, Love Life for Every Married Couple, he says, strangely enough, one can be loved and accepted unconditionally and still not feel genuinely loved. What love feels like will vary with the individual.

That's why you must know your mate so well. And what makes you feel loved may not be the same thing as what makes them feel loved. And your job, your role as the husband is not just to do what's easy and comfortable for you, but what communicates love to your wife.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way. Mrs. Albert Einstein, does anyone know what her name was? I have no idea. But she was asked if she understood her husband's theory of relativity.

She said, no, but I understand the doctor. I have no idea what the difference is between a granny stitch, a shell stitch and a puff stitch. But I know that my wife loves to crochet and she is very good at it.

Men, know your wife. Know her moods, know her feelings, know her needs, know her fears, know her hopes. Listen to her with your heart and communicate with her. Know your wife. Someone has said, the cruelty which is hardest to bear is often not deliberate, but the product of sheer thoughtlessness.

Showing Honor to the Weaker Vessel

The product of sheer thoughtlessness. Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way. So physically, intellectually. The third area that Peter points us to is emotionally. Showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel.

Showing honor, giving honor to, or treating with respect. Treat your wife with courtesy. Peter uses terminology here that doesn't sit well in 21st century politically correct conversations. Showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel.

What? I'm not weak? Well, the word that Peter uses here points specifically to physical differences that exist between men and women. As much as we think in our enlightened day that there are really no differences between gender and that gender doesn't really matter, that's not what the Bible says.

And in this case, Peter points out just a commonly accepted truth, notwithstanding women in boxing and mixed martial arts and weight lifting, says they are the weaker vessel. They are generally speaking physically weaker.

It's just the way it is. But that's not, no indication of inferiority. What Peter is really saying here to men is don't use the fact that you are stronger to bully your wife around. Don't use your words as a tool of beating her into submission with.

Treat her with respect. Treat her with courtesy. Give her honor. Treat her like an expensive, beautiful, fragile vase, which is a precious treasure. Or I've heard it illustrated like this, and I brought, hopefully I won't knock these off.

Better hold on to them. Okay, on the one hand here, I've got just a heavy-duty diner-grade coffee mug. Okay? I think my father-in-law got this for us from Steak and Shake. Okay? Why is it like that?

Well, because it's going to get beat around. Men, this is you. Okay? You're the mug. You can take that however you want. Okay? Here I have a piece of our china that we got when we were married that's been in the buffet, and I don't know the last time it came out.

We don't use these things very often. But this is a piece of china. Just looking at it, it is a whole lot thinner than the mug. Probably holds about the same amount of coffee or whatever you want to put in it.

But I would not do that with this. Now, does that mean this is inferior? No. This has some, this has the Steak and Shake logo imprinted on it. This has, I think, hand-painted flowers and stuff on here.

This is a delicate, beautiful piece of china that's intended to be treated with gentleness and respect. You don't throw it around like you do a mug. This is the wife. And then you treat your wives with that kind of gentleness and respect, like you would a valuable, fragile piece of pottery or china.

And you do so because it's valuable. So, Peter says, Husbands, treat your wives with courtesy. And one of the best ways to do that, gentlemen, I've mentioned it before, is with sound, clear, honest, open communication.

Dr. James Dobson, and he's not the only one who has said this, says that the number one problem between a husband and a wife often is the lack of real communication. That's been his experience over the years.

Lack of real communication. And he tells a story about a husband who was a wonderful provider, hard worker. He was an OBGYN doctor. And he called a colleague of his for a favor. He said, My wife has been having some abdominal problems, and she's in particular discomfort this afternoon.

I don't want to treat my own wife. Would you see her for me? So, he brought his wife in to see his colleague. And upon examination, she was found to be five months pregnant. And he had no idea. Men, it's easy to get caught up in your own routine, in your own life, in your work, what needs to be done, taking care of things to maintain the house, and all the other stuff that goes on.

But in the process of that, there's little communication, real communication in the home. The stereotypical picture is that of a husband who buries his face in the morning newspaper at breakfast, who prefers to read about the latest scandal in European government, and then looks at the scores of last night's football game, and then reads the opinions of a couple of columnists whom he'll never meet.

And he does all that rather than listen to the voice of the person who has just shared his bed, poured his coffee, fried his eggs. Even though listening to that voice promises love, and hope, and emotional depth, and intellectual exploration far in excess of what he can gather from the New York Times, or USA Today, or Fox News.

Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, physically, intellectually, emotionally. But lastly, Peter says, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, spiritually.

Joint Heirs of the Grace of Life

Since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. This is one of the great points of the gospel, and that is that, in Christ, there is no longer Jew or Greek, male or female, slave or free, but that we are one in Christ.

And Peter drives home that point here to husbands. Spiritually, there is no superiority, but we are joint heirs, is literally what Peter says. We are joint heirs of the grace of life. In one sense, in the Christian home, husband and wife together comprise a mini-church.

In fact, it is the home that's the basis, ultimately, of the church. And so, Peter says, husbands, understand that your wife is an equal participant in the grace of life. The grace that we have now in Christ, and the grace that is to come, when we will be united together in heaven.

So, Peter says, husbands, lead your wives, and show great respect to them, and encourage them spiritually. It's interesting how Peter puts this here, so that your prayers may not be hindered. He's talking particularly to the husbands.

It's not that, if you don't show respect to your wife, that both of your prayers will be hindered. No, what he's saying is, men, if you don't treat your wife the way that you should as a godly husband, don't be surprised when you struggle in your prayer life.

When you struggle to have a meaningful time with the Lord, men, don't expect to have a vital ministry in life or in prayer, if you mistreat your wife in any way. Likewise, husbands, do what? Live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

So, if we look back through, not just verse 7, but if we go all the way back to verse 1, and let me read the whole thing again. Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives.

When they see your respectful and pure conduct, do not let your adorning be external, the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry or the clothing you wear, but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord. And you are her children, if you do good, and do not fear anything that is frightening.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

So consider how you might answer these questions. Are we partners or competitors? Are we helping each other to know Christ and to grow in Christ? Are we depending on the externals or the eternals? Do we understand each other more and more?

Are we sensitive to each other's feelings and ideas? Or are we taking each other for granted? Are we seeing God answer our prayers? Are we enriched because of our marriage? Or are we robbing each other of God's blessings?

Some good questions to ask, as we consider what it means to have a golden marriage. Would you pray with me? Lord, I thank you for the blessing of your word, and how practical and helpful your word is.

Lord, I pray that you would be glorified in our homes. Lord, as we approach Thanksgiving this Thursday, we can find ourselves thankful for good jobs, for a nice house. But Lord, may we never take for granted the people in our lives, the people that you have blessed us with.

So Lord, this morning, I thank you for my wife. I thank you for desire to glorify you, for her love for your word, her love for our family, her love for the church. Lord, you have blessed me beyond any material thing in my wife.

Lord, I thank you for all the marriages that are reflected here in this church. We are all blessed by all the different aspects of the relationship between Christ and the church that we see reflected in the marriages around us.

So Lord, may we pray for one another. May we give thanks for one another. Lord, how I thank you for the blessing of this church. Lord, help us as we live in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation.

Lord, help us to hold fast to your design. Help us to love and encourage one another to the praise and glory and honor of your holy name. In Jesus' name, we ask these things. Amen.