Jeff Durbin: A Wise and Excellent Wife

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Open the word of God to the book of Proverbs, Proverbs 31.

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Proverbs 31, starting in verse 10. Hear now the word of the living and the true

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God. An excellent wife who can find.

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She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.

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She does him good and not harm all the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax and works with willing hands.

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She is like the ships of the merchant. She brings her food from afar. She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens.

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She considers a field and buys it. With the fruit of her hands, she plants a vineyard. She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.

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She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. She puts her hands to the staff and her hands hold the spindle.

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She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.

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She's not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet.

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She makes bed coverings for herself. Her clothing is fine linen and purple. Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.

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She makes linen garments and sells them. She delivers sashes to the merchant.

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Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

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She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed.

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Her husband also, and he praises her. Many women have done excellently, but you surpassed them all.

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Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears Yahweh is to be praised.

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Give her of the fruit of her hands and let her works praise her in the gates.

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Thus far as the reading of God's holy and inspired Word, let's praise God's people. Lord, we thank you for your

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Word, the gift of your Word. We thank you most of all for our salvation, Father, that we have in Jesus.

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We thank you, Lord Jesus, for this amazing gift of eternal life, the forgiveness of our sins, knowing you, joined to you by faith, united to you.

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Lord, we praise you that we're in you. We praise you that we have a righteousness that is from above. We praise you that you count us righteous apart from our works and that you will never count our sins against us through faith.

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Thank you for that gift. We thank you for your wisdom. Lord, you speaking to your church, to your people.

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We thank you for these beautiful truths about this excellent wife, this wise woman.

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We pray, Lord, that you'd use this to bless the men of our church as well as the women, single women, married women, widows.

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We pray that you, Lord, would not allow these to be the words of a mere man today, but words that are empowered by your spirit.

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Lord, renew our minds. Bring repentance where there needs to be repentance. Bring encouragement where there needs to be encouragement.

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Lift up, Lord, weak knees, strengthen arms. And Lord, we pray that by your spirit you would move in the women of this church to bring you glory and to be light to the world.

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We pray also, Lord, as we always do, that you would, Lord, allow people to forget me and remember you and your truth.

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In Jesus' name, amen. So this is the second week.

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Last week, we talked about the wise woman who builds her home versus the one, through her own foolishness, her own folly, tears down her house.

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It's not the first time we've been in this specific point about a wise woman. We've already passed through Proverbs 12 .4.

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And I think Proverbs 12 .4 is really like a starting point. And this is the expansion.

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So if you would go there briefly, Proverbs 12 .4. The text says,

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But she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.

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The excellent wife, the wise woman, the wise wife. We've been here before.

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And so this is an expansion. We're talking about wisdom in a woman. Again, this could be for all of our single ladies, for the married women, for the widows.

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These are truths that are life transforming. Now, I want to start by saying that it's clear from the verse we've already read in Proverbs 12.

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That this excellent wife is the crown to her husband. But the one who is foolish, the one who is not wise, brings rottenness to his bones.

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And so we can see from wisdom, this is all God's wisdom. We have everything from bottom to top of all of life.

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I mean, everything has been addressed in this book of wisdom. How do we live in this world? How do we apply

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God's truth, God's knowledge in our lives? Everything's here from laziness.

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I sounded like Mike Tyson just now. Laziness. OK, from laziness.

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Laziness to not being an unteachable person, to pursuing wisdom, to trusting in the

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Lord, to having equal weights and measures, to avoiding gossip and slander, to being a wise son to your father.

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All of that is here. But what's interesting is that the first nine chapters of the book of Proverbs, there's so much there.

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And so much there is thematic, right? We talked about that, like major sections are thematic.

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But there's a lot there about the unexcellent wife, the one who is a disaster, the woman who is actually a detriment to mankind and young men.

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We see the woman who is the seductress, the adulteress, the woman who brings people down into the grave.

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So the first nine chapters, there's an emphasis on that, and even an emphasis upon the men to pursue your wife for what the seductress or the adulteress woman is trying to offer you.

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And so we see this contrast between the adulteress woman, the sexually immoral woman, and then it moves into, at the very end, the crown, the climax, the wise woman, the excellent wife.

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And so you see that contrast in the book of wisdom and how important it is for us men to choose the right woman, to choose the right woman, not just any old woman.

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I think most married men will tell you after many years of marriage that much of your happiness daily in the home is going to depend upon the woman who's next to you.

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Why is everyone looking at me with blank stares, right? Now listen, I'll say it again. When we get to what we need to say about men, those verses, we'll get to them.

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So everyone relax, relax. Today, the text is about women,

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OK? So we're going to go in today on the women. When we go in on the men, we'll give them a much bigger lashing. Deal? Yes?

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OK, so take a deep breath. And let's relax in the word of God.

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Do you think it's important to have an excellent wife? Yes. Is much of your daily joy and happiness and peace in your home going to be dependent upon the woman that's next to you?

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Let's be honest about it. If we have a woman who is not wise, who actually tears down her home with her own foolishness, if she's a woman with a very sharp tongue, if she's a scoffer, then that's going to directly impact how that house is built and the kind of peace and love and joy that is in that home.

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Amen? Yes? And so choosing the right woman, men, what's really important is that you don't look to Proverbs 31 and more on this in a minute and think, who is this woman?

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Because I want to DM her, right? Like, where exactly is she located?

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The point is, this is wisdom. And there's categories of wisdom. This is a list of virtues of a wise woman.

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And it's coming as a rhetorical question. It says, an excellent wife, who can find?

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So the question comes, like, where is the woman who is like this? No, as men in a fallen world, you're not going to find this perfection of a woman because it's a world that has fallen.

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It's a world that is broken in many ways. But yet, these are the virtues of a wise woman.

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They're the virtues of a wise woman. Now, I'm going to say this, don't be discouraged.

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Bonson points out, when he was commenting on this section, for women not to be discouraged.

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When you read Proverbs 31, you might be looking at it saying, man, I'm in shambles, right?

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Like, I'm really, really not doing well. I guess I'm not the excellent wife. Maybe I'm the worthless wife because this woman is awesome.

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She's like the Hebrew superwoman, right? That's not the point of this section.

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This is, as Bonson says, a compilation of virtues, a compilation of virtues.

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We're supposed to see in this, this is wisdom in a woman. This is what it looks like. And so we're supposed to come to this as single women, married women, widows, and say, here's this compilation of virtues before God.

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Where can I grow? What's broken in me? How can I heal? What does God want me to attain to?

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This is the ideal, but it's not as though this is an actual woman in history.

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So I want to say, as Bonson directed his congregation, I thought it was helpful. Do not be discouraged, ladies.

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Be encouraged. This is a compilation of wise virtues. Who can find this woman?

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Now, just to show you that we have to read it this way, again, another observation by Bonson.

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If you would pop over to 1 Timothy 3, verse 2. 1

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Timothy 3, verse 2. Here is a list of qualifications or virtues of the pastor, the overseer, the bishop.

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Starting in verse 1. The saying is trustworthy. If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task.

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Therefore, an overseer must be blameless or above reproach, the husband of one wife, a one -woman man, sober -minded, self -controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent, but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.

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He must manage his own household well with all dignity, keeping his children submissive.

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For if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God's church? He must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit and fall into the condemnation of the devil.

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Moreover, he must be well thought of by outsiders so that he may not fall into the disgrace, into disgrace, into a snare of the devil.

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And here is a listing of qualifications for the overseer, the pastor, the shepherd, the bishop, the elder.

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Here's a list of qualifications. This is the compilation of virtues. Have you ever met a man that's like that?

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Do you know of any pastor in the world that fits these absolutely perfectly?

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If you had pointed at me. Let me let you on and give you some insights. This is the list of qualifications and the list of virtues.

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But there is no man who does this and fulfills this perfectly at all times. Now, of course, if a man is deficient, seriously deficient in any of these areas or all of these areas, you'd have reason as a church to say we don't want that guy to be in the search committee process for who should shepherd this church, of course.

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But there are men who are stronger in one area rather than the other. There's men who are able to teach a lot better than other pastors, but other pastors who are more hospitable than others.

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There's other pastors. There's pastors who might struggle at times and need to be sanctified in the area of being quarrelsome.

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They're growing in that area. They're repentant in the area. They're not trying to be quarrelsome. But maybe as they're being sanctified, they struggle a bit.

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Or pastors have children, and they have to manage that home. Does that mean that their children are not also in the process of sanctification?

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Their children are being sanctified. Does it mean that pastor's children have to be perfect, perfectly sanctified, and have a sanctified life just like the pastor?

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No, there's going to be areas of deficiency. And so this is the list of qualifications. Yes, if there's a man who is deficient, really deficient, in all these areas, or really weighted deficient in some of these areas, you would say, yeah, not really supposed to be the pastor over me or our church.

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But this is the list of qualifications. Here's a list of virtues. That's what we want to attain to.

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We want to be in that area of virtue and wisdom. And so as you look, ladies, at Proverbs 31, just remember this.

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It is a compilation of virtues. Don't be discouraged. As you read this, allow the

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Spirit of God to move in your life, challenge you, renew your mind, encourage you in whatever area you find yourself to be deficient.

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Here is what God says is the ideal wise woman or excellent wife.

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And so we read it to say, where am I deficient? God, help me, grow me. To the single ladies, as you look to this, as I mentioned last week, it's important for us not to have this fictitious view that when

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I go to the altar and I go to have that covenant made publicly before God and witnesses, when

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I do that, then I'm going to switch to the excellent wife. I'm going to be the wise woman.

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Marriage has this amazing ability to turn me into the godly wife.

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You are going to destroy your marriage if you think that way. Because we have to walk into marriage as a believing woman.

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You have to walk into a marriage as a believing woman, having already allowed God to work in your life to make you the wise woman, to work on your tongue, to work on what comes out of your mouth, to work on your kindness, your humility, to work on your work ethic.

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Are you a lazy person now? If you're a lazy woman now, you will bring that laziness into your marriage.

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Amen? There's like three women in here that like me right now. Work on wisdom today.

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When God calls us to remember that in all toil there is profit, but in mere talk, only poverty.

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Allow that principle to be something that transforms you right now in all areas of your life.

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Whatever it may be, allow it to transform you now so that you walk into that covenant with your husband, a wise woman in terms of not being an idle woman.

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You grow and transform today. Being married, walking into that ceremony does not make you a wise woman.

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Single ladies, allow God to work on your heart and your mind and your hands today in these areas.

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To the married ladies, pray the same. Pray and trust the spirit of God to grow you in the areas where you are deficient as you read

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Proverbs 31. Ask the question with humility, where are my deficients? Don't be discouraged by it.

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Be encouraged by it. If you hate your sin and you desire wisdom, you desire to be transformed, what's that evidence of?

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That's evidence of the spirit of God indwelling you, right? Oftentimes, you've heard me say this many times before church and it's something you have to always go back to.

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We will interpret the convicting work of the spirit of God in our lives, whether men or women or children, we will interpret the spirit of God convicting us, causing us to hate our sin, as somehow

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God being far off and condemning us. No, God is changing you because you're

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His child. He's treating you as a father and a son or a father and a daughter.

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And if the spirit of God is causing you to desire to be a wise woman, causing you to desire to hate your sin, then that is the spirit of God's work, not condemning you.

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Because what does scripture say? There is therefore now no what? Condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

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So if the spirit of God is causing you right now to look at the text and say, God, make me like that wise woman.

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Cause me to desire to be like that. If that's where you are right now, that's the work of the spirit of God in your life.

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Unbelievers aren't walking around out there desiring to be holy before God. There is no

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God seeker. There's no fear of God before their eyes. So if you're seeking God right now as a woman and you're fearing the

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Lord right now as a woman saying, God, make me wise, make me the excellent wife, make me the wise wife who builds her house and doesn't tear it apart with my own folly, then that is the spirit of God transforming you, renewing you.

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You ought to rejoice, not be sulky. You should look at these texts here and say, God, make me like this woman.

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Not for my husband's sake alone or my children's sake alone, but for your glory alone.

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When women look at this text and say, God, make me like this, you ought to pursue this as worship.

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Because I can promise you this, and you know this is true, brothers and sisters. If you desire transformation and a change as a wife for the sake of your husband, if that is where the direction is,

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I want him happy, I want him to be satisfied, and that's where the weight is, then when there's conflict between you and things are challenging because you have two sinners being sanctified in a home, then what happens is your desire to be wise will fall off.

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Why? Because if it's for his sake alone or mostly, then your desire for wisdom will fall completely off.

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But if your desire for wisdom and transformation is ultimately for your pleasure in God and for his glory, you will change.

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You will transform. And so we go to this text to look at this compilation of virtues and ask

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God to transform us. Now, some things to point out is that you can't see it in the English, but Proverbs 30, verses 10 and onward, in the

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English, it's not noticeable, but in the Hebrew, it is. It's an acrostic poem, an acrostic poem, meaning that each verse starts with one of the 22 letters of the

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Hebrew alphabet. And so this is put together very beautifully, very powerfully, very poetically.

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It's very well thought out. Yes, it's inspired scripture from God, but it's clearly something that was meant to be easy to understand and to memorize because it's an acrostic.

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So as they memorize their alphabet, they can put the verse with each letter of the alphabet, so they memorize it.

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You ever go to Bible school? You ever have those same things at Bible school where you have the alphabet and the alphabet goes with a particular verse?

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Well, that's how this is built. It's very poetic in the Hebrew. You can see it obviously, not obvious in English.

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Now, what's interesting, we should address this right away because you hear me saying this all the time.

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One of the great challenges that we have at our sanctification as Christians is that we need balance in the

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Christian life. We fall off of ditches and turn to overcorrect often in the sides of the road.

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In every area of the Christian life, you have to always ask yourself that. Am I being biblical?

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Am I being consistent? Or am I overcorrecting? Am I falling into a ditch? And it's amazing.

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Proverbs 31 addresses the failures in many different camps in how we think about women.

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And here's one thing I wanted to point to in terms of the ditches. Number one, for the demanding, sorry, the demanding and dominating patriarchy view.

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And by the way, we believe in a biblical form of patriarchy, the position of the man in the home. Wives submit to your husbands.

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Husbands love your wives. We're not dissing patriarchy. We are dissing the ditch of dominarchy.

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Let's call it what it is, dominarchy. And that's where the man believes because he's the head of the home, wives are to respect their husbands and obey their husbands in the

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Lord, that the man gets the perspective of that position that he is somehow supposed to dominate in the home.

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Dominate every aspect of life. The wife sort of disappears into the shadow of the husband. The woman loses really her identity, her own purpose, all those things.

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Even some of the gifts she has that have her, give her her own independence in some ways in the home.

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But this particular text, this text Proverbs 31 doesn't allow for the dominating version of patriarchy that many people have.

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And what I mean by that is that this woman, this wise woman, this excellent wife, she has independence.

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She has independence. She doesn't lose her own identity and personality in the shadow of her husband.

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Think about what this shows in terms of how people often diss the Christian view of the woman. And what's sort of like a growing rage right now in culture today.

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You see it on like TikTok and see it come across Twitter and all kinds of things about the trad wife.

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You ever hear about that? You guys hear about that? The trad wife. You know what the trad wife is? The traditional wife. And it's like all the rage right now.

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Like she works in the home. She cooks for her husband. She cares for her kids, her places in the home.

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And so many feminists are like, this is a ridiculous trend. It's stupid. What is this trad wife? And I'm like, what's the problem?

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What's the problem? But people will diss that idea and say, oh, the biblical view of the family and men and women and husbands and wives is the woman just sort of lost.

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She's nothing. And so she's just stuck in the home. Her place is to be barefoot in the kitchen. And that's her spot.

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You know, she never really leaves the house. That's really her only place. But Proverbs 31 doesn't allow for that. Did you already see it?

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Proverbs 31, this woman is creative. She's industrious. She actually does work outside the home.

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She sees beyond her home. However, for the women's liberation movement, note that her anchor is fixed firmly in her home.

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Though she's not lost in the shadow of her husband, she doesn't disappear, right?

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She's working outside of the home, yet her anchor is within the home.

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Her focus is her family. Her life is dedicated to wisely building her own home with a narrow focus on her family and her husband.

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And so this passage actually addresses the ditches on both sides from the dominarchy, dominating patriarchy.

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You know, she's never outside the home, can never work outside the home, those sorts of things. And it also addresses the fiction of the feminist movement and liberation movement.

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She is not overly focused on the external. What she is focused on is narrowly focusing on the benefit of what benefits her family.

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Now, verse 10, Proverbs 31, verse 10.

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Now, I know there's a lot of verses here, so I'm going to go pretty fast and offer brief commentary on each verse. So much could be done here.

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Every single verse could be an entire sermon. It really could. But I want this to benefit our women as we're focusing two weeks on a wise woman and an excellent wife, so I'm going to go kind of fast.

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Now, verse 10 says, an excellent wife, who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.

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This wise woman, this excellent wife, is more valuable than jewels.

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I think, as I read this and prayed over it and meditated on it, I think this is actually more towards the men, more towards the husbands in terms of how we view our women.

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Do we view them like that? Because that's what it says. She's more precious than jewels.

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Now, remember early on in wisdom literature here, in the first few chapters of the book of Wisdom, what did it say was more valuable than gold and silver?

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Wisdom. Wisdom is more valuable than gold and silver. That's what you should pursue. That's what you should be treasuring up.

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And now in the same book, it says about the excellent wife and the woman, it says that she's more valuable than jewels.

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So do we treat our women like that? That she's more valuable to focus on and to treasure than our bank accounts, our real estate, our cars, our crypto.

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I mean, think about that right now. Like, we're in a weird spot right now in the world. Fiat currency is stupid.

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Amen, yes? If you know the wisdom of God, we need to have real money and real money standards.

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Fiat currency is stupid, foolish, and it cannot last. But now we have something beyond fiat currency.

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We have something that is called cryptocurrency, and it's blowing up. Some people could put $100 into a coin, and then that coin blows up, and you literally have $10 million off a $100 buy of a token or a coin.

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We live in crazy times right now, crazy times. Bitcoin was over, what, $102 ,000 per coin this week.

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Did you hear the story about the guy years ago when Bitcoin started? Everyone scoffs at it because it's stupid, right?

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What is it? It's this imaginary thing. Who made it? I made it up, right? I created this technology, and it's this imaginary world where you can mine for coins.

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And I mean, when people said that back in the day, you were like, who's going to buy this? And so there was a point where Bitcoin was so low, somebody traded 10 ,000

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Bitcoin for a pizza. Someone's like,

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I'll give you 10 ,000 Bitcoin if you buy me a pizza. The guy's like, sure. 10 ,000 Bitcoin, 10 ,000 times 100 ,000.

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You're set for 20 generations deep at that point, right? For a pizza, for one pizza.

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OK, all that to say, right? Everyone's focusing on crypto and like, hey, let's invest a little bit here. Maybe some in Bitcoin, all that.

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And you're checking it constantly, going to your app saying, how's it doing? What's going on? Is there a new one?

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Can we grow this or grow that? The point is, is men will be focused financially on diversification and having money here and having money there.

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I mean, scripture says that the righteous person leaves an inheritance for who? His grandchildren, right?

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Now, of course, you could apply that, as we've said, to a spiritual inheritance. Yes and amen. But on the surface of that, it's that men should be trying to grow their income and money in such a way that they actually are able to leave something for their children.

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That's how each generation can grow in wealth and prosperity, is it prospers in that way.

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So it's a good thing not to just focus only on being rich, but it is a wise thing for men to want to provide wealth for their families.

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Amen? Yes? And so men, we can be focused on where do we have our investments?

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How are they growing? We're focusing. This is important. That's important. But do we treat our excellent wives as more valuable than all of that?

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Do we treat our women as though they actually are a treasure? Not something to dominate, but their actual treasure.

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Do we look at them like we look at, say, a pile of silver or gold? August is almost, he turns five this week.

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And he'll ask me often, he'll say, Dad, can we go look at your silver? I don't know why.

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I don't know what is it about the silver. He's just got this, I want to look at the silver. And so we'll go.

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I don't have a lot of silver, but I do believe in God's money. Amen? Yes? So we should all have some of that, invest in real money and real capital.

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And so I don't have a lot, but he just loves to go see it and to look at it and hold it and touch it. And he's just in awe of silver.

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Like, it's so heavy. It's so shiny. It's amazing. That's how we should look at our wives. Do we?

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And so women, you thought this was about you, and I think that it is. But I think this verse really is about us as husbands.

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Do we look at our wives in that way? Or are we just trying to take advantage of the fact that we're the rulers of the house, and we're the leaders, and she's to submit to us?

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Do we look at women like that? That is not a biblical way to look at women. There's all kinds of stupid debates going on right now on Twitter about men and women in red dresses.

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It is absolutely foolish. And all I want to say is that one thing I can get out of it is that a lot of these men think about their wives as something to dominate, not as a treasure.

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And it's not biblical. It's not biblical at all. It's not wise at all. And now, men, are you doing what you can to prosper her?

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If she's the real treasure, are you doing what you can to prosper her? Are you having as much focus on building up the treasure that she is in your life as you have in the other treasures in your life?

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Those are not bad things to pursue. It's not bad to focus on building up wealth and treasure as a man for your home.

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It's not bad. It's righteous. It's wise. But do you have an overemphasis on these things, and you don't treat your woman as the treasure that she is?

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How do you show it? How do you show it? Do you ever say it to her? Do you ever vocalize it?

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We said this last week, right? I mean, you could say, well, he knows. He knows how I feel about him. And I said, what?

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Not if you don't tell him. Or you might say, as a husband, she knows how I feel about her, that I love her.

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Probably not. When's the last time you really said it and tried to make sure she understood it? Do you send her letters telling her how amazing that you think she is?

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Do you send her letters to encourage her? Do you focus on the things that make her feel like she's loved by you?

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Or are you only focused on yourself? What are you doing to show that this woman truly is the treasure that God made her to be for you?

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Wives, are you walking as an excellent wife so that you are a valuable treasure to your husband?

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Can your wife actually call you a treasure? Or are you a terror?

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Are you the treasure in your home? Or are you the terror in your home? Is he afraid to come home to you because it's going to be strife and conflict and complaint and burden?

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Are you the treasure that you want him to come home to, to see as a treasure? Are you valuable to him, or do you harm him?

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That's really in the next verse. Verse 11 through 12. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack or gain.

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She does him good and not harm all the days of her life.

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Ladies, as you look at this and ask God to renew your mind and to shape you and to strengthen your hands and your hearts, does your husband trust in you?

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Or do you give him every reason not to? Does your husband trust in you, or do you give him every reason not to?

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Do you profit him and your family? Are you a profit to the family, or are you a detriment to the family?

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Do you build the home with wisdom daily? Do you focus on that before God, trusting in him?

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Or do you somehow every day find a way through your own folly to tear your house down? Are you the scoffer in your home, the unteachable woman?

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Are you the prideful woman? Are you the woman who never asks for forgiveness? You just can't say it. You can't ever say that you're wrong.

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You can't ever confess your sin. You can't ever just be humble. Is your relationship with your husband marked with argument, constant dispute, constant argument?

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Is home with you a place of rest and joy?

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Or is it filled with tension, argument, complaints, hostility, pride, and defiance?

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Pause. We're not saying that in a marriage that the weight is on the woman.

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The weight is on the woman. I saw an extraordinarily ignorant comment earlier this week from a pastor who was talking about counseling and marriage and things like that.

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And he said, and the question was, how often really is it the woman's fault in the marriage?

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She's really the primary instigator. And this ignorant man said, almost always.

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To which every faithful pastor that actually spends their weeks counseling in marriage conflict probably laughed like I did.

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I've been in ministry for a very long time, almost two decades. I can't count how many counseling sessions and times

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I've spent with married couples. It's countless. There's no way to calculate it. And I would never say that walking into this as a pastor that it's weighted towards the woman.

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The truth is, in my experience, it's generally both sides that are generally equally guilty to some degree.

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They both have to repent. Are there instances where it's weighted to the guy? Absolutely. Are there instances where it's weighted towards the woman?

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Absolutely. But we go into these counseling sessions with equal scales. Amen? We're ready to mediate and stand in the middle to say, where are you failing?

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And where are you failing? And so the idea that somehow it's weighted towards the woman, it's not true.

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I believe that it's oftentimes just this push and pull of equal sins on both sides, some a little more important and serious and others not so much.

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However, as we talk about this and ask the question, is your home with you, is home with you a place of rest and joy or is it filled with tension, argument, complaint, hostility, pride, and defiance?

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How much of that is true of you, ladies? If you're really humble, if you're really willing to put aside your pride, how much of that is true of you?

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When your husband is coming home after working to try to provide for the family, he's not a perfect man. He's not a perfect man.

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He's being sanctified. He needs to grow. And I promise you, we'll give him a lashing, OK? But when he's coming home to you, is he coming home with tension?

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Because he just doesn't know how this is going to go tonight. Is he going to come home to a wife who is kindhearted, gracious, loving, encouraging, building him up?

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Or is he coming home to what he expects to be a fight, an argument, a complaint, something to bring him down?

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Are you, what the text says, someone who does him good and not harm? How often are you a harm to him?

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Are you a treasure in your home? Or are you a terror, ladies? It says that she does him good and not harm.

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Do you build him up? Do you encourage him? Do you thank him? Do you pray for him?

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Do you support him? She does him good and not harm. Now, of course, as you talk about this, it's a fallen world.

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You've got two sinners being sanctified together in the same home. And so, yes, there's areas where your husband needs to grow.

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Maybe there's times where he's being dishonorable. Maybe there's times where you don't feel like encouraging him.

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Maybe there's times where he's face -planting. That may be true. But what is your responsibility as a woman before God?

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To pray for your husband, to be an encouragement to him, to lift him up, to point him to the truth.

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Are there times where you need to ask for mediation and maybe have a pastor come in to encourage and help you both?

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Amen, yes, and amen to that. But when you ladies stand before the Lord with your marriage for reward or lack of reward, the excuse, but my husband doesn't excuse your failures as a wife.

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In other words, we can't before the throne of God for reward or lack of reward or crowns or whatever, we can't say, yes,

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God, but it was his fault. Because God will say, yes, I'm dealing with his failures and sins, but what about yours?

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What about yours? What did I call you to be as a woman? How did I call you to be the excellent wife?

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How did I call you to be the wise wife? We're not saying, sisters, we're not saying that your husband's not sinning and doesn't need to be confronted.

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We're saying very simply this, where are your sins? Where's your lack of wisdom? What do you need to repent of?

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What is God calling you to be renewed in in your own minds? Do you do your husband harm?

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She does him good and not harm all the days of his life. Do you do your husband harm?

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Are you a treasure or are you a terror in your home? How do you talk about your husband? How do you speak about him to friends and children?

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Do you harm his reputation? Or does everybody know, including your children, that you honor your husband, that you love your husband?

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One of the most important and valuable things you can learn, sisters in Christ, in your marriage is regarding how you speak about your husband publicly or even in private.

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When you have a conflict with your husband, do you immediately call the sister? Do you immediately call the friend and just dump?

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Just give the session where it's just vile speaking about your husband? Do you honor your husband? Or do you contain the conflict with your husband?

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Do you contain it? Do you try to make sure that you resolve this peaceably in your home the way that God calls you to?

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Or are you actually marked as the woman who vilifies her husband to your sisters in Christ, to your church, to others?

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How do you speak about your husband? Or we can contain it even more. We can narrow it. You have children in the home.

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Do your children think that you honor your husband or that you think very little of him? How do you speak about your husband in front of your own children?

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Do you do him good? Or do you do him harm? Scripture says to do him good.

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Verses 13 through 15, look at the text, it says, She seeks wool and flax and works with willing hands.

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She's like the ships of the merchants. She brings her food from afar. She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens.

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Man, you're like, this is Little House on the Prairie, right? It's that kind of old sort of hard, strong woman.

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Well, again, this is the compilation of virtues. Here's what she's like. Now, wool and flax, her focus is on the well -being of her home and her family.

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And she works, here's the key, she works willingly, not begrudgingly.

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She doesn't work begrudgingly or with complaint. She works willingly, that's what the text says, willingly with her hands.

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When God has given you this amazing gift of a family, and isn't it crazy? Think about that, we're all so sinful and so ignorant at times, and we just constantly just lose ourselves.

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Like, you'll have the woman that is just begging God, God, please deliver me the husband. Please give me the husband.

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I just want to be married. I want to own you with my life. If I could just have the husband, I'd be happy, God. If I just had that man, the godly man who loves you,

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I just want to be married. If I could have that life, I'd be so happy in you, God. I'd be so joyful in you,

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God. And then a year after marriage, what takes place? It's two sinners in a home being sanctified, and she loses sight of the gift that God gave to her.

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You ask God for the man that loves Jesus and would love you, and you have him. And now he's given you this little patch of garden in the world, and now he's filling it with children.

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You've got these little miniature versions of you now that are filling the house, a husband and the kids. It's right there.

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You've got this tremendous gift. And then one day, you forget what you asked God for, and then you wake up angry with the world.

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There's laundry everywhere. I've got to cook food for the kids again. How many meals do I have to prepare?

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Right? It's crazy. Why don't you tell me what you want to eat? Because we've got to figure this out. I can't create 16 meals on a

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Monday. And we start griping and grumbling and moaning and complaining. You're so mad you've got to change another diaper, and this is ridiculous.

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What are you forgetting? You said, God, if you would just give me this patch of garden,

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I'd be so satisfied. And then we're sinners, and we're awful, and we are weak. And so we get that gift from God, and all we do is complain.

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We're not doing what we do to bless our family willingly. We're doing it begrudgingly.

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We're angry that God's given us this gift. We're angry about the gift now. She works willingly with her hands, without complaint.

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Now, here's some encouragement for you ladies and for us men. This is in every aspect of life.

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If we see the work that God has put before us as worship, it'll completely transform how we face that work, that service.

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If we see it as just a task, just an obligation, just some mundane, silly thing, then of course, as sinners, we're going to start gungus -mooing.

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We're going to start complaining about it, right? Being angry with God. But if we see what

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God has delivered to us, this work, this service, as worship, all of life is worship, then we'll do it joyfully and to the glory of God, because we'll be pleased with that in God.

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Do you see that, brothers and sisters? If you transform the way that you look at the gifts before you and the work before you and the service before you, as in God, to the glory of God, as worship, it will transform everything.

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Notice in verse 14, it says that, She is like the ships of the merchants. She brings her food from afar.

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Some ladies are like, this woman, this woman. Notice that she goes the distance to supply her home.

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She goes the distance. Verse 15, She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens.

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So she actually, and this is another thing in terms of like, who is this woman? Well, obviously she's got a good husband who provides well.

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She's got some wealth. She's even got servants and maidens, people she pays to help her to manage the home.

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But she's still sort of ruling over all of that. But it says that she rises while it's still dark to provide for her home.

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To which some women might be tempted to say, be honest, I'm just too tired.

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I mean, she's getting up like a Navy SEAL, like at 3 a .m., like it's still dark outside.

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She's like, I'm up, ready to go, right? I do my prayers, I get up, I clean up a little bit. I'm getting everything ready for my children, my maidens, all that, and it's still dark outside.

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And some women are like, I go to bed at midnight. I couldn't do that. You might be tempted to say,

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I'm too tired. To which I would say to you, okay, if this is the excellent wife and the wise woman who is focused on planning for the future, and she is not a sluggard, she's not lazy.

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She has a single focus in her life to glorify God, to be wise, to bless her family.

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So even she rises up when it's still dark to get busy, to focus. Can we just say, when someone says

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I'm too tired, get to bed. Can we say that?

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Get to bed. How many of us are actually so addicted to our phones, and there's so much light going into our brains and transforming, rewiring our brains, that we can't even get to sleep because we have so much time in front of a screen all day?

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How many of us actually abuse our bodies by staying up till midnight or one o 'clock in the morning when we know that we should have gone to bed hours ago, right?

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But we really got to catch that next reel, or whatever, or show.

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How about get to bed earlier? How about eat healthier? How about getting in shape?

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How about stop wasting time on your phone and social media? Wisdom, clearly, plans for the future.

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Remember what the text was we just did? In all toil there is what?

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Some of you are here for it. I think this was the day that the whole church was gone, and there was maybe like six people in here because the plague came through, which was worse than COVID, by the way, just for the record.

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The text is, in all toil there is profit. In the mere talking is what?

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Poverty. So if you want wisdom, if you say, this woman is amazing.

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She truly is an excellent wife. Lord, make me like that. Transform me in that way.

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Well, then it's going to take work. It'll be work to actually say, you know, to be the kind of person that focuses on the future and plans and is not lazy,

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I need to have a better schedule in my life, which will mean actually doing some uncomfortable things maybe this week, like forcing yourself to turn off the devices and to go to bed early, and then maybe this week starting to eat well so you could actually be the kind of woman that has the ability to focus on your family and your future.

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Now, verse 16 says, she considers a field and buys it. With the fruit of her hands, she plants a vineyard.

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Notice that she's aware of financial opportunities and she takes them.

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She's aware of financial opportunities and she takes them and turns them into more income.

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She's not just thinking about the future of her family, what's right in front of her, but she's thinking about the future of her family, where we're going.

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And so she looks, she's observant, she's planning, she says, there's an opportunity, I'm going to buy that field.

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But note this, she doesn't just buy the land and it sits there barren. What does she do with it?

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She thinks about the future. She says, how can I use this to bless my family and the world around me?

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I'll buy the land, I'll plant a vineyard. And what's that mean? That she plans on growing a garden to feed her family and to profit from it.

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So clearly this woman is industrious. She's smart, she's intelligent. She focuses outside the home.

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She's trying to find a way to flip things and make cash and capital for the family.

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Verse 17, she dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.

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She dresses herself with strength and she makes her arms strong. To be this kind of excellent and wise woman, clearly you have to be strong in the

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Lord. That goes without question. She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.

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So she has to be someone who is strong in the Lord and can't avoid it, it's in the text.

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This is the virtue. This is the wise woman. This is the general principle here. It says that she makes her arms strong.

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Now addressing this, you have to walk a fine line. Again, balancing the Christian life. We live in a fallen world.

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And so there are issues, physical issues that many of us, not just women, but men deal with. People have chronic health issues.

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People have all kinds of physical infirmities that you just can't have any control of.

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But the text says that she makes her arms physically strong. So I understand the physical ailments, but the general principle here is that she makes her arms strong.

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She's strong in the Lord and she makes her arms strong. How is she able to do this? She is so busy.

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She is prospering, she is focused, she's planning. She has the ability to wake up early in the morning, to get to work right away.

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So there's clearly something in this woman's life that's beyond just the spiritual. She is physically strong.

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She focuses on making her arms strong. Again, don't mishear me, brothers and sisters, humbly before you.

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I understand that there are things in a fallen world that are out of our control. So let's put that before us at the beginning.

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However, if she can do all this, if she can do all this, if she's wise like this, then she has to be beyond merely spiritually strong.

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She has to be physically strong and she makes her arms strong. So here's challenging questions.

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Sisters, how much of your health is due to your lack of concern for your own well -being and strength?

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How much of your health and what you deal with on a daily basis is due to your lack of concern for yourself, your own well -being, your own strength?

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Put it in this perspective because this will always get us where it hurts for men and women.

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We tend to sort of just forget about ourselves and just give up on feeling good, being strong, taking care of ourselves because we just, at times, maybe just don't like ourselves very much.

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We just give up on ourselves. But what will hit a mother in the heart and a wife in the heart is just this.

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Don't you want to be well and strong for your children? Don't you want to be there for them? Don't you want to be healthy for them 20 years from now?

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Because sisters, moms, wives, ladies, how you treat your body today, what you eat today, how you care for yourself today is going to determine how well you are at 60, 65, and 70 years old.

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Do you believe that? I can prove it to you if you need, but hopefully you don't need the proof. And so ladies, ask the question.

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How much of your health is due to your lack of concern for your strength and well -being?

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Think about the time that we live in today, the American diet. The American diet, what prohibits us from being well, being healthy, being strong.

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Nobody's arguing here, ladies, you understand me. I'm not arguing here for women to focus on being a supermodel. Everyone hear that?

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We're talking about strength to be able to be this kind of wise woman, a person who is physically well.

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But a lot of what we have to overcome today within the church, and this isn't talked about a lot, is the American diet and just how we eat and take care of our bodies.

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Now again, we have to speak about this in principle. I'm not giving you a diet. I'm not telling you legalistically you need to eat these specific things.

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But I am saying, if you're not physically well, you look at this woman, you say, she's got a lot of energy.

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I don't have that kind of energy. My question is, is how much of I don't have that kind of energy is based upon your lifestyle choices, not getting enough rest, eating the terrible

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American diets? I mean, just consider, ladies, let's get down to the nitty gritty here.

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Just consider the problem we have of processed sugar in our diets. You know that in history, human beings did not eat the level of sugar that we all eat on a daily basis.

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Go to the grocery store and look at the ingredients list and look at the processed sugar and the things that are added to our diet that are wrecking our insides, destroying our metabolism, and making us larger than we need to be.

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And we're just used to it now, and it's running down our bodies. So you look at the wise woman and say, she makes her arms strong, she's getting up early, she's focused, she's laboring, she's working willingly with her hands.

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You're like, I don't have the energy to do that. The question is, is how much of that I don't have the energy to do that is based upon your choices and how you're taking care of your own body or not taking care of your own body.

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Again, brothers and sisters, I'm not giving you a diet. I'm not giving you the rules of what you have to eat.

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I'm telling you, focus on what you can do to make yourself strong and well.

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What do we need to do to avoid the toxic foods and all the rest? Now, somebody might say, I don't have time.

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I don't have time to treat myself well and focus on my own well -being and my own strength.

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I don't have the time. Sisters, can I humbly ask us to test it for a second? If we were over the last, say, 14 days, the last 14 days, ladies, if we were to actually have had your screen time on all of your devices, how much time per day do you think that you sit in front of a screen idly doing mindless, purposeless things?

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Let's just throw an imaginary number up, shall we? Let's say that if your screen time was on over the last 10 days, you spent, say, four hours a day on a device.

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How many of you guys think that that's actually true? That's kind of normal in American experience right now, that it's probably about four hours a day you could spend mindlessly on social media.

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Nobody's raising their hands. You are all liars. It's probably way higher.

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If you don't believe me, I challenge you. Turn your screen time on starting today and see how much time we spend like this in front of our phones.

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It is destroying our lives. I'm not saying it's not a great tool.

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I'm not saying God doesn't use it for his glory. But oftentimes, God will give us great gifts that we completely mess up.

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Amen? Yes? I mean, we even have like an ailment now that's like a new thing. It's like the phone neck.

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It's like where your neck just goes like this because you spend all your time like this in your phone.

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It's a real thing. How much time do you spend on your phone? So you might say,

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I don't have the time to get strong and to be physically well and to feel good.

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I have no time to do that. I would say, screen time, check it out. If you spent four hours a day mindlessly doing idle things on social media, then in 10 days, how many hours is that?

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Easy math here today, guys. Gave you the easy one. Four hours a day times 10 days is what?

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Don't tell me you don't have time. In 10 days, if you spent 40 hours mindlessly on social media, social media platforms, doing reels, and all the different things, 40 hours in 10 days, imagine.

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Imagine if you took a third of that in 10 days, just one third.

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We're still saying you have permission to be stupid the rest of the time. If you took a third, a third of that, and you invested it in your own strengthening yourself, getting well, feeling physically well, how much would that transform your life?

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How much would you be able to, if you were physically well, to look at the wise woman and say, I think

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I can be like that in many ways. I'll have the energy to do that. I can do it without complaint because I won't be tired all the time.

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I'll actually have the energy. I'll be strong enough to actually do these sorts of things. How much would it transform your life if you focused on saying, if I'm going to have the ability to do that,

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I've got to be well, which means I have to actually put to death idleness in my life and to call something for what it actually is.

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This is a waste of my time. And by the way, can I just say as a side note that your screen time and all the time that you spend on social media not only is probably detrimental to your own health and well -being, it's probably killing the intimacy in your marriage as well.

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Because if your husband is sitting right next to you and 40 hours every 10 days is your face buried in your phone with most of that sitting next to your husband, what is it going to look like a year from now, two years from now, with your intimacy and your own conversation if your time is spent in the device and not with your husband?

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This making sense? Do you guys feel it? Is it true? Now, it's not to say that all of us are sitting on the phone or something like that, but how much time is wasted there and not focusing on your own well -being?

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How about taking just a third of that time that you would normally dedicate to being idle on a device and actually saying,

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Lord, for your glory, for wisdom and the good of my family, I'm going to take a third of that time and I'm going to dedicate it to my own physical well -being, my own getting strong, my own getting well.

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It's going to take commitment. It's going to take toil. It's going to be painful.

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Amen? Yes? But what is the promise from Scripture? What's the principle? In all toil there is what?

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Profit. In mere talk there is what? It's your choice. It's your choice, ladies.

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Next, verse 18. She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.

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Her lamp does not go out at night. She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.

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Her lamp does not go out at night. Notice again, she has merchandise. She is focused on growing the financial well -being of her family.

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But consider something. A generation ago, this would have still been much harder to say,

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I'm going to work on that, I'll focus on that. It would have taken a lot more work. We live in such a blessed time with social media and social media platforms and the internet that this is the best time ever for ladies to actually have merchandise that is profitable.

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Just consider the ability today for a woman out of her own home to work to financially bless her own home.

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How? She can flip things easily online, right? You can dedicate four hours every month to going to yard sales and buying some what people think is some bootleg furniture, pick that sucker up, clean it up, polish it up, paint it up, make it look nice, and turn around and sell it for five times what you bought it for.

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Do you think like that as a woman? There's a way I can actually bring more profit into our home, more capital into our home, ability to bless our family.

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It's the best time ever to have something where you work from home to sell things online. But notice also it says that her lamp doesn't go out.

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She's the kind of woman who has the ability, again, to be able to work and to work even late hours.

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But she is focused on her family, her family's well -being. Her lamp doesn't go out.

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It doesn't make a lot of sense to us today because we've got electricity that's pumping all the time. But at the time, houses went dark at night and people stopped working.

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Well, her lamp is on. She's focused. She's busy. She's thinking about the future. She's not idle.

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Her lamp is on because she's profitable as a woman, as a wife. And if we're honest today, in our day, about the only lamp on at night is the light coming from your screens.

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Verse 19, she puts her hands to the staff and her hands hold the spindle.

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Very simply, this is more on her work ethic. She works well with her hands. She's able to work well with her hands.

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She has an incredible work ethic. She is not idle. She labors and is not lazy.

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Verse 20 says, she opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.

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Here is the list of virtues of the excellent wife, the wise woman.

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She's tenderhearted. She's compassionate. She's not a bully. She's not mean -spirited.

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She's not always looking for a fight. She is someone who is tenderhearted and compassionate.

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Ladies, are you that way? Are you the woman who seeks the well -being of the people around you?

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Are you compassionate? Are you kind -hearted to people who have needs around you? I have to say this because it's been something that's been convicting to me as a husband, as a father in my home, in my own home.

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My wife has been, I think, more than almost anything, the one who, more than anyone, that challenges me to be compassionate, to see a need in another person, and to make sure that I'm there.

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Since even the beginning of Apologia Church, Candy was the one in my life who was always challenging me to pay attention.

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Does this person have a need? Is this person, can we do something to reach out to them? Can we make sure they have a meal? Can we deliver something to them?

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Did you know that this person is going through this? Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, you need to make sure that that's taken care of. And so my wife has been,

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I think, one of the most encouraging things in my life to challenge me to care about the needs of others.

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And there's the wise woman. I mean, in the daily stuff of the church, the compassion that she has had that's taught me.

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When we started our abortion ministry, many of you guys are here now.

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I know you were here when that started. There was a small band of believers, even within Apologia Church, that were focused on and dedicated to the abortion ministry.

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It was a tough ministry. It was a new ministry. Everybody was new to it. Kind of scary in some ways.

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But at the very beginning, there was a small handful of people. And at the beginning, I think the person who was challenging me and everyone else the most to this ministry was my wife.

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My wife was the one that was offering the greatest challenges to many of us as a church body. No matter what it takes, we have to do this.

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No matter what we have to build, we have to do this. These children are dying. And so I think in many ways, if you think about the line of things that have to happen for a ministry to happen and to bless the world, there are so many heroes along the way that no one ever hears about.

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They don't even know about them. And you never really will. Like with an abortion now, you'll never know about the people that sacrificed their financial well -being to make sure that these children's lives are saved.

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People that gave away fortunes to make sure that these children would not die. You don't know their names, and you never will, but God does.

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And many times, you don't know about the little heroes in the middle that are like women that had more strength and courage than the men and said, stand up for these people who are losing their lives.

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And in my life, that was my excellent wife. Even in the area of adoption and caring for the needs of somebody that was hurting, it was my wife that actually challenged me in the area of adoption, that challenged me to say, you need to make sure that you're consistent.

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You tell people that you'll adopt their children, but here's the hard one. Are you going to do it? Are you going to be the man that you say that you are?

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Are you going to be a man of your word? Are you going to be consistent in this area? Are you going to care about these children?

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Are you going to sacrifice for them? She was very gracious to me. And she did me dirty, too. Like her and Desi were praying behind the scenes, like God, break his heart and just bring him to his knees.

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Really dirty tricks they were playing. It worked, by the way. It really worked. But in my life,

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I just have to bring that up. My wife has been amazing in this area of actually caring for the needs of others, being tenderhearted.

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That's an excellent wife. That's an excellent wife. Now, verse 21.

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She's not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet.

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Very simply, it's already there in the text. She plans for the future. The wise person, this is throughout the book of Proverbs.

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They're not taken by surprise. They're not taken by surprise. They plot, they plan for the future.

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They're ready, they're wise about the future. She's that way. Of course, that's wisdom. Not lazy, not being foolish, not just turning over in the bed, not doing anything.

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She's ready for the snow. She's already been preparing for it. She's ready for all this. She's got this storehouse of goods that she's ready to throw at the problem.

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This is the wise woman who plans for her future. Do you plan, ladies, for the future? Or are you idle?

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Are you sort of numb in your mind about the future? Not worried about the future, but planning for the future. Plotting for those needs.

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Verse 22. She makes bed coverings for herself. Her clothing is fine linen and purple.

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Notice that she makes her house and herself beautiful.

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She's a woman. She tries to beautify her house. She tries to beautify herself.

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Now, there's not an obscene standard here. And this is where Christians, again, fall off a cliff.

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You'll talk about a principle like this, about a woman who beautifies her home, beautifies herself, and then

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Christians feel like they somehow get in the way and start setting up a law, an order of law, like here's how it should look.

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Like I've heard people say just completely ignorant things, like a woman in a home,

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Christian woman, should not be buying anything from Hobby Lobby. No art from Hobby Lobby, because what you need to be doing is buying exquisite and fine art.

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Some people can't afford that. How about you just take the standard that the woman loves to make a beautiful home for her family, and she should be given the go, make it beautiful.

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And that's what she does. She's wise. She tries to beautify her home. It's the common thing. Everyone knows in terms of how men and women are built very differently, that the woman loves to go to the home stores, the things to build up the house.

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The thing I hate more than anything in the world is going to Target. Men, are you with me?

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Any other men in here? No? Ed, thank you so much. Last night, Candy and I, her parents now live with us, which is an amazing gift and blessing for the twins.

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I'm still not sleeping. That's why I'm talking like Mike Tyson right now. But we've been getting the chance to actually go out together, because they'll watch the twins for us.

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And so we've been taking August out. So last night, we took him out to see a movie. And I, in my mind,

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I knew. I knew that she said, we're going to see a movie with August.

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And I'm like, great, we're going to see a movie, and then we're going to go home. It's going to be awesome. But I knew the whole time I was waiting for it.

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As soon as the movie was out, we started walking in the parking lot. She's like, hey, do you want to maybe go?

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I was like, to Target? And I was like, babe, you've ruined our son.

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He's five years old. And the first thing we do, he's like, he loves Target, I think now more than her, because she always brings him.

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And we walk into Target. We're like 20 feet into Target. And immediately, there's this little stand there with a bunch of candles and other things.

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And my five -year -old little man goes up to the candles. I'm like, let's go, let's go.

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He's like, wait, wait. I said, what? He's like, I'm going to smell the candles. I was like, babe, you ruined him. You have ruined our son, right?

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Like, no man walks into Target and is like, let me stop and smell the candles. If that's true, malachoy.

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You are malachoy. Don't do that, OK? Or maybe do it, whatever floats your boat,

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I guess. But my point is there's a distinction between men and women, even to the degree that the woman loves to build a home, make it beautiful like that.

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That's a good thing. That's an awesome thing. That's a wise thing. That's a womanly thing. But note that she builds beauty in her home.

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And she also focuses on beauty in herself.

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And so she makes herself and her house beautiful. Now, the ditches.

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Balance the ditches. So women can focus in a ditch on their external beauty.

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They can be just obsessed with their external beauty. Just a pile of makeup where they can't leave the house and all their money spent on just their looks.

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And really, their identity is really based in how I look and how beautiful I am.

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And all I'm going to say is, it literally says it at the end of this, beauty is vain. This is fleeting.

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If your identity is focused on how beautiful you are and how good your hair is and the makeup and all those things,

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Scripture has a lot to say about that. You should be focusing on the beauty of the inner woman. Amen? So there's a ditch.

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The ditch is, I'm a woman. I want to look beautiful for my husband. Great. Praise God.

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Do that to the glory of God. But don't let that become your identity, as it does many times for a lot of women.

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And you know where you see this, in terms of it was your identity the whole time, is where you see a beautiful, beautiful actress.

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She's young. She's beautiful. She's got a particular look to her. And then as soon as time starts to go on and her beauty starts to fade, where does she go?

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She goes to the plastic surgeon to do what? To completely wreck her looks and destroy her face and destroy her body, because she's so obsessed with her beauty and what she looks like.

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That's the ditch. Don't fall into the ditch. But the text says it. She makes bed coverings for herself.

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Her clothing is fine linen and purple. There's a lot there in terms of linen and purple and the colors of the priests and all of that.

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We can't go into it all right now. But she does focus on the beauty of her home and the beauty of herself.

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So the ditch is focusing only on external beauty. But there's another ditch. There's another ditch, ladies.

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And she's not making this mistake. Not caring about beautifying yourself.

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Not caring. I'm going to say something right now that's going to be very challenging. And just note, as a pastor,

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I'm trying to address a problem that's within the heart that actually fills the home with conflict.

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Have you noticed something in terms of divorce? It's a common thing.

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You see it a lot. And in terms of counseling men who have been divorced, it's something that these divorced men notice.

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They notice, and I think we all notice, that a marriage oftentimes will fall apart. It collapses.

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Unfortunately, divorce enters. And now the divorce is final. And the woman, all of a sudden, goes from not caring about her appearance to doing what?

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Everyone here already has shaken their heads yes. She went from no concern for her appearance before her husband, no concern for beautifying herself.

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I'm not giving a standard. I'm saying at all. And then she gets divorced. And all of a sudden now, all of her emphasis is on what?

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Her fitness, looking beautiful, looking good. And the divorced husband sees it.

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And what does he say? He says, well, you're willing to beautify yourself for some man you don't even know yet, but you weren't willing to do it for me.

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Now, sisters, it's a problem that you should address. Are you willing to beautify your home and yourself for the sake of your husbands?

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There's no standard being given here of exactly what that looks like. But do you care about beautifying your home and yourself for your husband?

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Or would you only care if you got divorced? There's the challenging word. There's the challenging word.

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Now, ladies, let's turn it on the man for a second here. Let's turn it on the man. Would you say, oh,

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I just want the godly man who loves Jesus, loves the word of God. I don't care if he never brushes his teeth or never washes his body.

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He can smell like onions and foot as long as he loves

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Jesus. Have you ever had someone walk up to your face? You're in the church.

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They love Jesus. You love Jesus. You love them. And they walk up to you, and they're a close talker, and you smell the food that they ate four days ago.

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Is it wrong in a marriage for a wife to expect her husband to keep himself and to attempt to be attractive for her?

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Is it wrong? Brothers and sisters, why are we living in such a way that we are willing to offend our spouses in terms of how we don't take care of ourselves?

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Am I getting in trouble here right now? You can tell that we are not working to become a mega church with messages like this.

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Amen? I hope you can hear in this, in me as your brother and as a pastor, there is no desire to simply hurt your feelings and to offend.

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I am talking out of so many years of counseling and so many years of conflict based on the wisdom of God.

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These are common problems in marriage. If you put these to death, if you focus on these things, you can heal so much in your marriages.

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And if you're offended right now, what I'm saying to you, I want to ask you, what's offending you? What's offending you?

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Is it the principle that's offending you? I hope you can see I'm not being abusive to you.

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I'm not being abusive to you right now. I'm trying to deal with heart issues and marital conflict. So a godly man who doesn't brush his teeth and smells, how about be godly and meet a toothbrush?

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Amen? We can do both. Amen? Yes? All right, the rest is rather quick here, guys.

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Where'd that come from? A crow? A crow?

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That's not fair. Now, the rest is, some of these are kind of repeats of the principle and pattern.

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Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. I think much of that says that the wise wife, the excellent wife, along with the husband is something that benefits the community.

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There's a wise reputation that flows from this home from the excellent wife.

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Yes, the husband has to be transformed. Yes, he has to be wise. All that's assumed here. These are general principles.

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This is the category of virtues. The categories of virtues. I think that says something more about what that wisdom will do in terms of the place of the city gates, which is where everybody hangs out and meets.

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She makes linen garments and sells them. She delivers sashes to the merchant. Same principle, just reiterated.

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Here it is, ladies. I think this is a big one. Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.

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Let's pause here, because I think this is a big one. This is a big one.

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Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.

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Are you the woman, the excellent wife, the woman who has such a trust in God that you fear

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Him above the future, that you fear Him above your circumstances? I mean, just consider this for a moment.

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Remember last week I emphasized the really important quote that said, if our young women don't learn, if our girls don't learn, then the women won't know.

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If the girls don't learn, then the women will not know. So moms, wives, you're teaching your children with how you respond to difficulties and trials that come at your family and the world.

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Do your children see you with strength and dignity, and do they see you laughing at the time to come?

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Or do they see you as a fearful woman, an anxious woman, a woman who's constantly worried about the future?

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Sisters, how are your daughters and sons going to learn to trust God and to not worry and not be anxious if they're not seeing you do it?

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Confident in the Lord. And so you might be saying, Pastor Jeff, again, we addressed this last week, if I struggle with anxiety my whole life,

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I struggle with fear of the future, I do. And I want to say I'm very sensitive to that. As somebody who dealt with that myself for a long time, and God sanctified me in that area,

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I completely understand it. But you have to recognize something. Do not be anxious from the mouth of the

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Lord Jesus is a command, not a request. Do not be anxious.

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Do not be worried is a command, not a suggestion. Which means if you live with this anxiousness and fear and worry of the future, at the base, the bottom of that, it is unbelief.

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It's distrust of God. And so if you want to heal in the area of the future and fear of the future, you have to heal in the area of trusting

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God and His promises and in His sovereignty. Amen? This wise woman laughs at the future.

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She laughs at it because she fears the Lord and she trusts God. She opens her mouth with wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

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How do you speak, ladies? How do you speak? Is it with venom or is it to bless?

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Is it to bless or is it to curse? She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

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There it is again. Her children rise up and call her blessed. Her husband also and he praises her.

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Many women have done excellently but you surpass them all. Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain.

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Here it is. What's underneath it all? The heart of the matter. But a woman who fears the

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Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands and let her works praise her in the gates.

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Final word on this. This wise woman, the excellent wife, the praise that comes to her at the gates is about her works.

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It's what she does. Not merely what she says. It's what she does.

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The wise woman is praised because of her wisdom, her skill in living.

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That's what will praise you in the gates. That's the reputation you leave behind based upon your works.

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And so sisters, mothers, wives, I pray as your brother humbly that the

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Lord would allow the wisdom that we've been meditating upon to transform your life in whatever ways.

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This is a category of wisdom and virtues and I just pray that the Lord would use this message to truly transform your life in ways that will glorify

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God, honor God and bless your marriage. My hope is that in some way touching these points of wisdom are gonna heal your marriage in some way.

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That's what I pray for. Let's pray. Father, I pray that you bless this message that it would glorify you, that it would heal in so many ways.

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I pray that as husbands we would love our wives, bless them, treat them as the treasures that they are and I pray that you would encourage every sister in here in the ways of wisdom and the excellent wife.