TLP 569: Parenting Sorrowing Children, Part 2 | Daily Sorrow

During the workshop, Rebecca asked if we could swing back around to talk about perceived loss. And it was in the moment that she asked the question,

I realized that Parenting isn't about us. In fact, parenting isn't even about our kids.

Parenting is just one way Christian dads and moms are to worship God. So welcome to the Truth, Love, Parent podcast, where we train dads and moms to give

God the preeminence in their parenting. I'm so pleased you're back with us as we study the best biblical ways to help our children navigate sorrow to the glory of God.

As always, each of our episodes comes with free notes, a transcript, and links to related resources that will help you deepen and broaden your biblical knowledge of the subject we're discussing.

If you're new to the show, I welcome you. My name is Aaron Brewster. I'm the president of Truth, Love, Family and a biblical family counselor.

I write, speak, and counsel using the Bible so that we can all better know, understand, and worship

God with our parenting in our family life. And speaking of writing, I have just finished my newest work called

Quit! How to Stop Family Strife for Good. It's born not only out of years of experience working with broken families, but more importantly, it's born out of my and my own family's desperate need for God to cure our family strife.

You can visit evermindministries .com to order your hard copy or virtual copy. Regardless of how you consume it, though, the book is an easy read of only about 100 pages, but it contains more truth than a book its size can actually hold, because, you know,

I was an amateur magician growing up, and I learned how to manipulate the laws of matter and space. So, you should definitely get the book for no other reason than to discover my secret.

Seriously, though, the soft cover only costs $10, and the more books that are purchased, the more books

I can write. Lastly, if you're new to the show, please subscribe, rate, review, and share this content.

But more importantly than all of that, please open God's Word and learn along with us how you can better worship

God with your parenting. Okay, so on our last episode, we laid a thick foundation of necessary truths that we can better understand what sorrow is and how the

Lord would have us respond to it. We reviewed some important ideas concerning emotions in general, and we briefly laid out the nature of sorrow in particular.

Of course, if you didn't hear that episode, it's vital that you listen to it first in order to understand that about which we're talking today.

Also, I offered you some amazing resources, including free access to our Doctrine of Emotions material, as well as a 50 % off of our

Suffering Well online course. Both of those can only be accessed using the links from our last episode, so be sure that you get access to those.

And then we ended the show talking about general parenting strategies for helping our kids sorrow well.

We were reminded about the absolute necessity of teaching our kids the biblical realities of life. They need to know about the

God of suffering. They need to understand why he gave us emotions and how they work.

They need to recognize the purpose of suffering, and they really need to understand what the Bible says about how they choose to respond to suffering.

And though I didn't itemize it last time, once you learn about the different types of sorrows, you really should teach them about those before they encounter them as well.

It will really help them when they're in the middle of it. And as usual, it's better to have these conversations before we find ourselves in the middle of sorrow.

For example, when our family was hit by Hurricane Helene and my daughter and wife had to be evacuated by the police, but I had to stay behind with my dad who wasn't able to be evacuated, that would not have been the time to try to teach her all of these truths and imagine she would be able to put them into practice as she was boated down what used to be our road, watching me and the house vanish into the distance.

However, having laid a thick foundation of biblical truths for such a time as those, it was easy in the limited and stressful situation to remind her of what she had learned and encourage her to continue in it to the glory of God.

And I'm happy to say that though she struggled, obviously, she did so well with the losses that came as a result of that disaster.

By the way, if you would like to financially help my family recover from the hurricane, Striving for Eternity Ministries has set up a fund to which you can give.

Just visit givesendgo .com forward slash S -F -E. That stands for Striving for Eternity.

So it's givesendgo .com forward slash S -F -E to be a blessing to us as we rebuild and replace that which was lost.

So teach your kids these truths to your children before they suffer. Remind them of them while they're suffering and review them after you've come out to the other side.

And then we finished the last episode off by looking at the three things you need to do with your kids while they're in the suffering.

These things can't really be done before, but they must be done during. You need to help your child identify the loss that's at the root of their sorrow.

Once you've done that, you can more accurately deduce if that loss is practical, potential, or perceived. My daughter had some practical losses as she floated away from our home.

She also had some potential losses as she didn't know what may happen to her dad and grandparents and her pets and her stuff.

And there are any number of lies that she may have allowed herself to believe that would have convinced her that things were lost that hadn't actually been lost.

Those are the most dangerous losses. Those are the perceived losses. And then you need to help your child identify the type of sorrow they're currently experiencing.

Therefore, you're probably really interested to learn about the different types of sorrow. So let's jump right in.

Originally, with the help of Dr. Nick Allen, I identified five different sorrows in the scriptures.

But as I was teaching a workshop at the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors annual conference last year, with the help of Rebecca Dittman, who was sitting in the audience,

I stumbled upon a potential sixth sorrow and coined it delusional sorrow.

However, as I've meditated on this idea of delusional sorrow, I think I want to make the idea a little bit more specific and use a more clearly biblical term.

I think I'm going to call it number one, deceived sorrow. Now, I'm not going to dedicate a whole episode to this concept just yet.

Who knows, maybe by the end of the series, I'll tack on a bonus episode about it. But I do want to explain what led

Rebecca and me to believe this is a unique sorrow that needs addressing from, yeah, it's different from the other five.

During the workshop, Rebecca asked me if we could swing back around to talk about perceived loss. And it was in the moment that she asked the question,

I realized that a person who is experiencing sorrow over a perceived loss isn't fully or truly experiencing any of the five sorrows that we were going to study on my list for that day.

Now, as you'll see, one kind of sorrow easily gives way to other sorrows. But none of the five sorrows we're going to discuss really addresses the people who are tied up believing a lie about a loss in their lives.

So, whether they have been deceived by someone else, like Abraham last time, who had been deceived by his sons to believe that Joseph was dead, or the person's own deceptive heart is to blame for their current delusion, the most deceptive part of deceived sorrow is that we believe the sorrow itself is actually the daily sorrow this episode is considering.

So, before we move on, I simply want to re -share what the Lord providentially allowed me to hit on last week.

Perceived loss is the most dangerous loss because it's a lie. There's no reality in it.

It's not even a potential thing. The position or possession or popularity or person was never actually lost, but the person is carrying on as if it had.

The sorrow that person is experiencing is a deceived sorrow. They have been deceived into thinking their sorrow is an appropriate daily sorrow.

So, the best thing we can do for ourselves and our spouses and our friends and our kids is to help set them free from deceived sorrow by discovering and believing the truth.

The example I used in the workshop was one I've used on this podcast before. When a mother tells her child for the upteenth time not to jump on the couch and subsequently sends her to her room, the little girl may huff off to her bedroom thinking to herself, my mommy hates me.

Now, were that true, were it true that her mother actually hated her, that would indeed be a tragic practical loss.

Such a loss would indeed produce daily sorrow in her life. But it's not true.

Therefore, the most important truth that little girl needs to believe is that her mother doesn't hate her. In fact, her mother is giving her consequences because she loves her.

That little girl needs to believe that appropriate consequences given out of love for the child and the glory of God are commanded by the

Lord because they're the best thing that can happen to us when we're in sin. We need to learn that sin hurts and everyone who helps us learn that and turn from our sin is someone who loves us dearly.

And when she knows, understands, but most importantly believes that, she will cease to experience deceived sorrow and will either be experiencing one of the other sorrows we're going to discuss later or not experience any sorrow at all.

But I have to move on from this deceived slash delusional sorrow to talk about daily sorrow.

Still, as I'm talking right now, more and more realities concerning deceive sorrow popping up into my mind, but I'm going to save them for later.

Now on to number two, daily sorrow. Let's start by looking at A, the experience of children with daily sorrow.

This is the sorrow associated with trials, testings, and temptations. It's a natural result of practical loss.

The defining feature of the sorrow is that there is no sin in this sorrow. The sorrow is not a result of any sin whatsoever.

There's no sinful response to the sorrow. It's simply a natural result of loss in a broken, fallen world, potentially due to demonic attack or even the result of our personal choices.

We dive deeper into the scriptural account for each of those claims in the Suffering Well online course.

I encourage you to check that out to learn more. Now allow me to prove that daily sorrow is not a sin.

Here we go. Jesus himself experienced daily sorrow. In Luke 19 .41 we read,

When he approached Jerusalem, he saw the city and wept over it. John 11 .33

-35 tells us, When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled.

And he said, Where have you laid him? Then they said to him, Lord, come and see. Jesus wept.

Matthew 26 .36 -46 pulls back the curtains on Jesus' experience in the Garden of Gethsemane.

And we know from Romans 8 .28 -29, James 1 .2 -4, 2 Corinthians 4 .7

-18, and 1 Peter 1 .6 -7 why these trials and testings and temptations come.

These passages and more teach us that God uses the loss of friends, money, health, safety, security, and pleasure to conform us to his image, to sanctify us.

That is the divine purpose of suffering. That is the truth we need to believe in order to respond correctly to practical loss and experience an appropriate daily sorrow.

So, with that information, how do we let her be parent children with daily sorrow?

Well, first of all, all the previous strategies we discussed last time are beneficial here.

In fact, they're absolutely necessary. Second, we need to encourage them to run to the

Scriptures. Psalm 119 .25 -32 says this, listen carefully,

My soul cleaves to the dust. Revive me according to your word.

I have told of my ways, and you have answered me. Teach me your statutes. Make me understand the way of your precepts, so I will meditate on your wonders.

My soul weeps because of grief. Strengthen me according to your word. Remove the false way from me, and graciously grant me your law.

I have chosen the faithful way. I have placed your ordinances before me. I cling to your testimonies,

O Lord. Do not put me to shame. I shall run the way of your commandments, for you will enlarge my heart.

In those moments that David was lying face down in the proverbial dust, when grief caused him to weep in his very soul,

David longed for the truth of the Bible because he believed that would be his salvation.

Your child will likely not feel about the Bible what David felt, at least not initially.

But when tragedy strikes, he or she needs to run to Scripture anyway, and we need to be the ones leading them there.

Third, we need to teach them to rehearse the truth about God and suffering. 1

Peter 3 .14a says, But even if you should suffer for the sake of righteousness, you are blessed.

In verses 16 -18 of Romans 8 .16 -30, we read,

The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with him, so that we may also be glorified with him.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

I encourage you to read all the way through verse 30 to get even more encouragement from that. Psalm 77 is a beautiful example of the comfort that comes from recalling

God's mighty deeds. So, in the midst, or better yet, at the beginning of sorrow, we're weeping with them, we're holding them, but we're also helping them remember the divine truths about God and suffering and sorrow designed to help the daily sorrow benefit them and glorify

God. But, fourth, we also need to teach them to trust

God. This isn't just about head knowledge. There's a big difference between knowing something and believing it.

Our Mirrors Christianity series dives much deeper into that vital truth. Psalm 103, 13 -14 says,

Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him.

For he himself knows our frame, he is mindful that we are but dust. Do I believe that?

Do my kids believe that? 1 Peter 4, 19 tells us, Therefore, those also who suffer according to the will of God shall entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right.

Does your child believe that? Revelation 2, 10 commands, Do not fear what you are about to suffer.

Behold, the devil is about to cast some of you into prison, so that you will be tested, and you will have tribulation for ten days.

2 Corinthians 1, 8 -9 reads, For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life.

Indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves, so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead.

God is trustworthy because God knows exactly what your child needs and is wise enough and powerful enough to accomplish it.

Fifth, we need to teach them to pray for wisdom. Our Teach Your Children to Learn series will help you and your kids better understand what wisdom is, but let me tell you this, we all need it in daily life and for daily sorrow.

Wisdom is taking what we know and understand and applying it to life. God gives us what we need to know in the

Bible. He helps us to understand that knowledge through His Word, the Holy Spirit, and a multitude of wise counselors. And then

He helps us live wisely in light of the truth that we're applying to our existence. 1

Peter 5, 7, James 1, 5, and Philippians 4, 6 -7 teach us how to go to God with our burdens for wisdom and rest.

When your child does things God's way and seeks His face, He comes to her aid with all the knowledge, understanding, wisdom, peace, and comfort that she needs.

As our kids are better understanding all of these liberating truths, this should lead to number six, we need to teach them to praise

God in their sorrow. Philippians 4, 4 tells us, Rejoice in the

Lord always. Again, I will say rejoice. Does that mean that during our daily sorrow we're to rejoice?

You bet it does. And if the scriptures are replete with commands and admonitions to praise God continually, then therefore we need to be obeying them.

Your child can praise Him when her suffering is a result of her own sin, because she understands that He's drawing her back to Him.

Your child can praise Him if he's suffering as the result of someone else's sin, because God is using it to continue the purification process in your child's life.

Your child can praise Him when her suffering is a result of the fact that she lives in a cursed world, because God is giving her exactly what she needs to grow and glorify

Him. He's giving her the best for what she could hope if she were hoping according to God's truth.

Okay, there are three more, but before I give you the last three, I want to remind you that our child may be mature enough for you to unpack each of these nine realities for them in the midst of their suffering.

But it's also quite likely that focusing on just a few will be all they need to experience the daily sorrow in a beneficial way.

Sometimes it's just one truth that will be the lens they need to actually believe all the truth they already know.

Identifying that key belief might be all they really need. With that said, seventh, we need to teach them to ask for help.

James 5, 14 through 16 is a wonderful passage to illustrate this. When your child finds it easier to trust his feelings and experiences and the failure philosophies of this world, he is spiritually emaciated and weak.

That's why James uses the figurative language of someone who's spiritually sick and weak calling for help from the elders.

Your child, just like all of us when we're spiritually weak, needs help from mature brothers and sisters in Christ.

She needs these mature people to surround her with truth and love to pray for her and to lead her to confession of her sins as necessary.

And when she embraces the truth about God and suffering and repents of her lack of faith, if necessary, she can be healed of her spiritual impotence.

But Aaron, didn't you say that daily sorrow is unique and that it's not a sin to experience it? I did, but that doesn't mean sin won't be injected into it from time to time.

We're going to look at that eventuality next time. Either way, sin or no sin, we can all use more help to bear our burdens.

Eighth, we need to teach them to find ways to serve others. Listen to 1 Corinthians 12, 24 -26,

Galatians 6, 1 -2 commands, If anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.

Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.

And 2 Corinthians 1, 3 -7 beautifully reveals, Those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

For as we share abundantly in Christ's suffering, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation.

And if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer.

Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

Just because he or she is suffering doesn't mean that no one else is suffering. That means that your child can be a blessing to others who are suffering at the exact same time that he or she is struggling.

What a sweet testimony it is to pray for someone who has come to pray for you. And finally, 9.

We need to warn them of the temptation to discontentment and its accompanying sins. Acts 20 28 -31

Be on guard for yourselves and for all the flock among which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers, to shepherd the church of God which he purchased with his own blood.

I know that after my departure savage wolves will come in among you, not sparing the flock. And from among your own selves men will arise, speaking perverse things, to draw away the disciples after them.

Therefore be watchful, remembering that night and day for a period of three years I did not cease to admonish each other with tears.

If the child experiencing daily sorrow doesn't acknowledge and rest on the sovereignty, wisdom, love, and purpose of God, then he or she will be tempted to move into the second category of sorrow we're going to discuss next week.

Now again, I know that's a lot of points, nine points, each of which could easily have their own episode to unpack and better understand.

The key though is that the truth sets us free. In some cases the truth may actually help relieve the daily sorrow, but most importantly it will protect us from the sinful forms of sorrow that can easily develop when we're under stress.

So please share this series with your friends and don't forget to purchase your copy of Quit! How to Stop Family Strife for Good.

And if you believe you need some individualized assistance working through your own daily sorrow or helping your child respond correctly to the loss in their own lives, please email us at counselor at truthloveparent .com

or leave a voicemail at 828 -423 -0894. We would be honored to help you.

On our next episode we're going to discuss one of the most rampant forms of sorrow that is not good and needs to be battled at every turn.

It's a sorrow in which we cannot weep with those who weep, but from which we can lovingly invite them to be set free.

I'll see you then. Truth. Love. Parent is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you worship

God through your parenting. So join us next time as we study God's Word to learn how to parent our children for life and godliness.

And remember that TLP is a listener supported ministry. You can visit truthloveparent .com forward slash donate to learn more.