Seven Ways To Love A Wife

Submission in Marriage and the Pattern of Christ

All right, thank you so much. In our last session, we're again in the book of Ephesians, the fifth chapter. And in the manual, if you'll turn over to page 16, put your husband where your heart is, the irresistible wife.

Just as a husband has a twofold job description of loving and knowing, God also gives a wife a twofold job description when it's boiled down and that of submission and admiration. And both of these truths are made very clear in the Ephesians text.

If you look with me, first of all, there in verse 21 of chapter 5, submitting to one another in the fear of God. So the Bible does call all members of the household to an attitude of submission. That is true for the wife, the husband, the children, and the fathers.

But then what you have in 22 of chapter 5 through 4 of chapter 6 is how does that flesh and work itself out? Well, it works itself out in the life of a husband as he loves his wife. It works itself out in the life of a child as they obey their parents.

It works itself out in the life of a father as he is an encouragement to his children. So how does it flesh itself out in the life of this lady that is married to this man? Well, verse 22, wives, submit to your own husbands.

And the crucial phrase is the next four words, as to the Lord. Now, let me point out, interestingly, in the original text, the word submit is not in verse 22. It is correct grammatically to bring it over from verse 21.

Every translation would bear that out. But, you know, if you take the word out, it does not lessen the strength or the import of the statement at all. Wives, to your own husbands. How, Paul? As to the Lord.

Now, you say, well, what is the rationale? He gives it to you. For the husband is the head. He is the leader of the wife, as also Christ is the head, the leader of the church. And he is also the savior of the body.

Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Now, few things have set the secular culture off more than the idea that we still believe in the 21st century, the year 2006, that a woman in marriage should submit to her husband.

I'm a Southern Baptist. In 1998, we added an article to our confession of faith, known as the Baptist Faith and Message, wherein we said that a husband was to love his wife and that a wife was to submit graciously to her husband.

The secular media went into apoplexy. I mean, they went nuts. And we got phone calls. We did interviews. We were on radio, television. And more than a few times, I was asked, where in the world did you all get an idea like that?

And of course, we would simply respond from the Bible. And we would take them to Ephesians chapter 5. Now, that still did not help the situation much because they would simply say, well, that is something that we have outgrown.

That was something that was indigenous to a patriarchal culture. That is something that goes back to a time when women were deemed to be inferior to men. And therefore, it has no relevance for us today.

And again, I'm not surprised when the secular world sees it in that way. That doesn't surprise me at all. But it does concern me and even grieve me when those in the church will try to make the same kinds of arguments.

It reveals, first of all, an inadequate view of the Bible's inspiration. But secondly, it also reveals a fundamental theological flaw in their thinking. In other words, amazingly, this whole issue really goes back to the very heart of the doctrine of the Christian faith, that cardinal doctrine being the doctrine of the Trinity.

It sets us apart from every other religion and every cult on the planet. And let me just do a little theology with you for a moment to see if you catch what I'm getting at. I think you will. When we think of our God, the Christian God, God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit, we believe the Bible teaches that each of them is equally, fully, and completely God.

In other words, whatever it is that makes God, God. God the Father is all of that. God the Son is all of that. God the Holy Spirit is all of that. In other words, they are essentially equal as God. Okay, you with me on that?

But now I have a question for you. In his assignment to save you and me from our sins, is God the Son submissive to God the Father? Yes, absolutely. Yes, he is. In fact, I can prove both propositions for you from the same book of the Bible.

We'll just use the Gospel of John. In John, Jesus is recorded as saying, he who has seen me has seen the Father. The Father and I are before Abraham was I. So I'm God. Whatever it is that makes God, God, I am all of that.

In the same Gospel, though, Jesus also says this, the Father is greater than I. Now, guys and gals, that means something. He also says, I only do that which my Father shows me. So what he is saying is, look, I am equal in my essence as God.

But in my assignment to save sinners, I am willingly, yea, joyfully submissive to my Father. You see, ladies, yes, your role model in one sense is how the church relates to Christ. But I think even more magnificently is how the Son of God relates to the Father God.

And there is your model for submission. In other words, you are never more like the Lord Jesus than when you are yielding in your will to the leadership and the direction of your husband. And you notice that the text says that you're to do so, verse 22, as to the Lord.

You're to do in verse 24 in everything. So you say, well, Danny, does everything mean everything? Well, yes. What does everything mean in every single specific instance? No exceptions. No. You say, oh, there are loopholes.

Well, there are some areas I need to address that we need to put in perspective, though I would hope that it will not apply to any of you. But if it does, so be it. Because I would say to you ladies that there are four categories that give you an exemption.

You say, great, I was waiting for those. Give them to me. All right, here they are. If your husband were to ask you to do something that is illegal or immoral, unethical or unbiblical, illegal, immoral, unethical, unbiblical, you have an obligation to say no.

Because you have a Lord with a capital L whose name is Jesus. Yes, Sarah called Abraham Lord, but it was with a little L. And so if your husband were to ask you to do something that falls into one of those four categories, then I believe you would be theologically, morally, spiritually obligated to say no.

Now, you say, well, what if he asked me or leads me to do something I just don't like? That's too bad. You say, what? That's too bad. You say, can I tell him? Well, yes, you can tell him. In fact, I would hope that he'd want your opinion.

But ladies, understand something. You'll not stand before God and give an account for how well you led the family. He will. Now, you will stand before God and give an account for how well you submitted to his leadership.

And let me remind you of something. This is fascinating to me. 1 Peter 3, verses 1 through 6 tells a saved woman how to lead to Christ an unsaved husband. Isn't that what it's about? And what does it say that she does?

She submits. It says that he will be one how without a word. In other words, ladies, a woman does not nag or gripe a husband into the kingdom. She does it with a life of submission that reflects the beauty of the gospel that he cannot deny and that will melt the hard heart of an unregenerate man.

Now, I didn't write that. God did. I would not have thought that. I would not have said saved woman submit to unsaved husband. I would not have thought in those categories. But God does. And that helps you understand then how it is that submission yielding in your will to the leadership of your husband honors God.

But also God knows it does something to a male heart that cannot be done by virtually any other means. And so you honor him with your submission. Secondly, you honor him with your admiration. Look at the last part of verse 33 and let the wife see that she respects, that she honors, if you like, that she admires her husband.

And so in the giving of your submission and in the giving of your admiration, you honor God and you bless the life of your husband. Now, again, as we did a moment ago, survey scripture from Genesis all the way to the end.

Look at 1 Peter 3. Look at Colossians 3. Look at Ephesians 5. Look at 1 Corinthians 7. Look at Deuteronomy. Look at the Proverbs. Look at Song of Solomon. And you find, again, some overarching themes that run all the way through the fabric of scripture that talk about the ways that a woman should both relate to her husband and bless her husband.

And I've listed them there for you at the bottom of that page. But turn to the next page because, again, what I've done is I've fleshed it out a little bit more fully so that I can make a comment or two about the things that you can do that indeed will be a blessing to your husband.

Now, let me say this to you again. And stay with me. I do believe the list is correctly prioritized, again, with one little caveat, a footnote, if you like. And I'll share that with you at the very end.

But I think it will bless you and encourage you and give you an insight into the way a marriage should work that will enhance wonderfully your relationship with your mate. But I'll note that at the very end.

Admiration, Sexual Fulfillment, and Home Support

But first of all, what is it that a husband needs and what is it that a wife can do to bless her husband? Well, she can give him admiration and respect. You see the line that's underlined there? Be proud of your husband.

In other words, Danny Aiken is wired in such a way that more than anything else, he wants to know this side of heaven that his wife, Charlotte, loves him, believes in him, and that she is proud of him.

I'm like everybody else. I like to be liked. I hope that you like me. I hope that you say, I'm glad, you know, that Mike invited Danny. I would love for him to come back. He seemed like a nice guy. I enjoyed talking with him.

I'm like everybody. I like to be liked. But I don't mean to be disrespectful. But there's another sense in which I really don't care what any of you think about me. I really don't. As long as I know that Charlotte loves me, believes in me, and that she is proud of me.

You see, you might not like me because you just don't know me. If she doesn't like me, it is because she knows me. And ladies, I want to tell you something. I discovered in life, and especially watching ministers, that a great woman can take a mediocre man, and she can raise him up and make him good.

You have that much influence in the life of your husband. On the flip side, tragically, a not so great woman can take a great man, and she will pull him down to the level of the mediocre. Again, you have that much influence in the life of your husband.

You say, my husband doesn't care what I think about him. Yes, he does. Well, he doesn't act like it. I don't care how he acts. Men are good at acting. I'm telling you, God wired him. He packaged him in such a way that he indeed is blessed when he knows that you love him, admire him, respect him, and are proud of him.

In other words, you look for the things he does well, and you acknowledge them. And you will bless him, and God will use you to shape and adjust and mold his character so that he again moves in a direction that brings greater honor and glory to Christ.

Now, number two, you can bless your husband by providing sexual fulfillment. And I don't think any of you ladies would be surprised to know that in survey after survey after survey, men never say this is their number two way to be blessed.

No, no, no, no, no. It is always head and shoulders number one. But they're wrong. Men don't know themselves as well as they think. Now, it's close. It's a photo finish. This is, you know, I lived in Kentucky for eight years.

Churchill Downs was like eight miles from our house. And so it is a photo finish at the end. But number one is ahead of number two. And you say, well, why would you say that? Because here's the deal. If you say to your husband, I love you.

I am proud of you. I admire you. I think you're the most wonderful man in all the world. But I have no desire to be intimate with you. Not only will you not meet his need for sexual fulfillment, you will drive a stake through the heart of his need for admiration and respect because a man finds it impossible.

A man finds it impossible to believe that you love him, admire him, and respect him if you're not also interested in being intimate with him. That Dennis Rainey, I think, is exactly correct. A man often will attach a form or a sense of his own self-worth to his ability to be a desirable, attractive sexual partner with his wife.

So you see the paragraph. She becomes an excellent sexual partner to him. You study your own response to recognize and understand what brings out the best in you. And then, and it is underlined for a reason, you communicate this information to your husband.

And together, you learn to have a sexual relationship that you both find repeatedly satisfying and enjoyable. Now, just by way of quick overview, sex was God's idea. Wasn't your idea. Wasn't my idea. Sex was God's idea.

And I've often said playfully, I think God was having like a really good day when he came up with this particular thing. I think it was one of God's better days myself. Now, that's just my opinion, but I'm very grateful for this thing that God gave us.

Now, God gave it to us as a wonderful gift to be enjoyed within the bonds of marriage. But there are some challenges that we have to face. One of them is that we come to this thing from radically opposite perspectives.

And I like the analogy that has been used by John Trent, who says, and Gary Smalley, well, when it comes to intimacy in marriage, men are very much like microwave ovens. But women are much more like crockpots.

And I didn't say crackpots. I said crockpots. Okay. You say, well, what do they mean by that? Oh, it's self-evident. Men are creatures of sight. And men are moved by what they see. I'll show you in the morning, not once, not twice, three times in the Song of Solomon.

Solomon identifies and describes Shulamite from the top of her head to the bottom of her feet. Three times. She does him just once. And it's pretty quick until I mean, bam, bam, we're out of there. So, you know, she's talking about other things.

He's talking about the way she looks. And so a man is moved by what he sees. He's a creature of the eye. And when he sees what he likes, he is like a microwave oven. He can heat up and it takes him very little time at all.

Guys, women are not like microwaves. No, they are like crockpots. You say, why? Because they're creatures of the ear. And of the heart. And so it takes them a while before they're ready. So they have to kind of simmer.

And simmer. And yes, sometimes simmer, simmer, simmer, simmer, simmer, simmer, simmer before they're going to be ready. And that's just the way God wired them. You just have to understand it. You just have to deal with it.

All right. So you didn't have to understand that you have to approach this thing in a different sort of a way because she sees this thing in a different sort of a way. Because for a woman, as we saw a moment ago, romance may or may not involve sex.

But if you can create an environment of romance, then sex takes place more often and with greater satisfaction. But there's another problem here as well. And I'll tell you a true story that puts the whole thing in both comic and tragic perspective.

I have a friend that's a marriage counselor in Macon, Georgia. He was sharing with me one day that a lady came to see him. And she sat down and said, I need some help. I am thinking about separating from my husband, but I thought I'd talk to somebody first.

He said, well, what's the problem? She said, well, I'm kind of embarrassed. I love my husband. He loves me. And he is a good husband in so many ways. And he's a wonderful father. But our intimate life is just a disaster.

And she says, my husband is a fanatic. He wants sex 24 -7. If I did not say no some of the time, we'd just be having sex all the time. And I just can't take the pressure and the stress of this anymore.

We've been married for 16 years. And it's been like this almost all of our marriage. And I'm just thinking maybe if we separate for a while, it'll give us some perspective and it will help us out. Well, this friend of mine is a very good counselor.

And he's also kind of mischievous, too. And so he said, well, I tell you what, before you make a decision like that, can I give you an assignment to go home and just try to implement for just one week to see if it makes any difference?

She says, well, yeah, I guess. What is it? And he said, now, these are his words, not mine. OK, these are his words. He's a Christian counselor, a little on the edge, but he's a Christian. But anyway, he says, I want you to go home.

And can you get rid of the kids for the weekend? This is on a Friday. Can you get rid of the kids for the weekend? She said, well, yeah, I can do that. He said, great. Get rid of the kids. And when he comes home, I want you to begin to be a huntress, track him down.

I mean, when he opens that door, you grab him and take him to the bedroom, feed him some supper and then take him back again. Find him one more time, at least before you go to bed tonight. Tomorrow morning, wake him up at 630.

Find him again about 10, feed him some lunch. He'll need it by then. And then find him in the afternoon a couple of times and just kind of said, you know, you see what I'm at. I just want you to just track him down and be, you know, romantic with him as many times as you can between now and next Friday.

Do you think you can do that? Well, being the typical female, she said, well, I can do anything for one week. So anyway, he sends her home, but she does not call the next Friday. She calls Monday and she says, I don't know what you think you were trying to accomplish.

I think it worked. My husband is over in the corner of the bedroom and he is waving a white handkerchief. She said, he's got a real scared look in his eye. And she said, we've just had a good long laugh and a good long cry.

And we both feel really, really dumb because something that should have drawn us closer together nearly tore us apart all because we did not talk. Why that word communicate is underlined. She said he was always putting on the full court press because he thought all I want to do is say no.

And I was saying no as much as I did because he was always putting on the full court press. And you know what we discovered? And this is a great insight from a lady. I don't even know who she is, but she said this.

After we talked, we've discovered something. We discovered that we don't have identical sexual appetites, but we do have compatible sexual appetites. And that's what you're after, by the way, not identical.

God didn't make exactly the same. But if you will talk, if you will esteem the other better than yourself, if you will look out for his or her interest ahead of your own, I promise you. You can find a compatible area of intimacy that is a joy and a blessing to both of you.

But the bottom line is this guys and gals. No marriage will ever be everything God wants it to be without the intimate part of marriage also being meaningful and satisfying and enjoyable. And the Bible says, ladies, you can bless your husband by providing sexual fulfillment.

Number three, you can bless your husband by cultivating home support. That is, you create an atmosphere of peace, quiet, and refuge. You manage the home and care of the children. It is a place of rest and rejuvenation.

And remember, the wife, the mother, she is the emotional hub of the family. Ladies, it may not be fair. It probably isn't, but it is true in the home. If mama ain't happy, what ain't nobody going to be happy?

Now, that's not fair, probably, but it's true. It's absolutely true. Now, let me put this in perspective before I go on. I discovered that godly women, I mean, good, godly, Jesus loving women can have a bad day.

OK, guys, just understand it. I don't care. There's going to be times where they just aren't clicking on all cylinders and they're having a bad day. Just back off, cut in some slack and realize this is what's going on.

When I, my poor wife, bless her heart, she was condemned for years to a male dormitory, Charlotte and five men. I came home one day and she looked at me and she said, I am convinced that men and boys will do things a dog won't do.

Now, I was offended, but I did not investigate for fear of what I might discover. So I just left it alone. We created a code, my boys and I created a code, and the code was mama has that look in her eye, and that was our way of kind of warning each other.

It's just kind of, you know, be careful, be quiet, you know, don't don't harass mom. And so this is a true story. I came home when we lived in Wake Forest the first time and the boys came out on the front porch, shut the door and said, stop, daddy, we got to talk.

Timothy, my youngest, said, you know, the look it's back and it's back big time and you've got to do something. So I said, all right, y 'all just wait out here. And so I went into the house, looked into the kitchen.

Charlotte was at the sink doing dishes, and all I could see was her from the back. But I'll tell you, by the way, she was doing business at that sink. I could tell she had the look. It didn't I didn't need to see her face or anything.

Just business was being done in a way that let me know there was an attitude on the other side. So anyway, I went back to outside, got the boys in a huddle. And I said, guys, you're right. Mama's got the look.

And they said, all right, daddy, what are we going to do? And I said, well, guys, here's dad's counsel. Every man for himself. I said, I've seen this look before. And basically, it's saying, if you'll leave me alone for a couple of hours, I'll probably be OK.

So I'm gonna leave her alone. And I would suggest you leave her alone. And if you cross her path and get in trouble, don't call me because I'm not coming. No, we are all on our own. But now, ladies, let me kind of crawl into your world for just a minute.

And don't get mad at me, because I really do say what I'm about to say, because I love you and I care for you. You go home this afternoon and you look up Proverbs 9, 13, 19, 13, 21, 9, 19 and 25, 24, you will discover that the Bible says a man would rather live in the desert on the roof or in an attic than with, the King James says, a contentious woman.

That's a biblical way of saying that she gripes and nags and whines. And men, we can't stand to be around griping, nagging, whiny women. It is wearisomeness to our bones and it just sucks the life out of us.

So you say, well, what's he gonna do if I do that? Well, it's real easy. Fight or flight, fight or flight. Some men fight their wives. Some men fight their wives physically. Most don't because they go to jail if they do, which is the right thing to happen to them.

It strips them of their masculinity. And so most men, we saw earlier, most abuse of spouses is in cohabiting relationships, not marital relationships, though it still happens there too often. So if he doesn't fight you physically, he might fight you verbally, but he won't do that very long either.

You say, well, why not? Because we lose. We lose. We can't whoop y 'all in a verbal fight. We can't do it. You say, well, why not? Well, it's a very simple matter of mathematics. You see, we now know from studies, this is documented.

The average male is capable of producing about 10 ,000 to 12 ,000 words a day. That's what the average male can generate. The average female, 20 ,000 to 25 ,000 words a day with gust up to 50. And I am kidding about the gust.

I have no empirical evidence for that, but I sometimes wonder. But anyway, so we hit you once, you hit us twice, we hit you five times, you hit us 10 times, we hit you 15, 30, you see? So we get beat.

I mean, you'll take us down. So if I can't fight, I'll take flight. Now, some men walk out of their marriages. Some men, give them a little credit, stay married, but they still walk away and they become workaholics.

They become that guy that's involved in all of those extracurricular activities. I don't know about you guys up here, but boy, down south, you get all these guys that want to go fishing and hunting. I don't get it.

I don't get it. I know that hunting means that at about 5 o 'clock in the morning, you're up in a thing called a deer stand, and you're trying to kill Bambi, and it's cold, and it's nasty, and you could be at home in a nice warm bed hugging your woman.

That seems like a no-brainer to me. I mean, that's just not real difficult for me to figure out where the smart guy will be. But anyway, that's a whole other issue. So they're out there hunting and fishing, or they're playing in softball leagues in the spring and the fall, and they're doing all these other things.

Because as one guy said to me one time, when I called him finally at a store, been trying to get in touch with him for several weeks, and I said, man, every time I call your house, you're never there.

Why don't you stay home once in a while? And he said, well, Danny, you're a man, and you know there's got to be a place where you find a little peace and quiet sometime. And for me, it is out in left field at a softball game.

And I thought, what a tragedy that a man finds more peace and quiet at a softball game, at an office, out on a lake, up in a deer stand, or wherever else he might go than in his own home, where there he can go and rest, be rejuvenated, find a place of refuge.

I'm a homebody. I love to be at home. You say, why? Because Charlotte provides such a great house. I mean, I rest there. I'm rejuvenated there. I just am who I am. And it's wonderful. I would rather be home with her than anywhere on planet Earth.

And if I can't be home with her, I bring her with me because it's just fun to be around her. That's the way it ought to be in your marriage as well. Cultivate home support. Now, number four, strive to be an attractive wife.

Now, note the paragraph. It's very carefully stated. Pursue inner and outer beauty in that order. That means, first, cultivate that Christ-like spirit in your inner self. Then, follow that up by keeping yourself physically fit with diet and exercise.

Wear your hair, makeup, and clothes in a way that your husband finds attractive and tasteful. Let your husband be pleased and proud of you, both in private but also in public. Now, let me unwrap that.

Inner beauty, cultivating that Christ-like spirit. There's two things wonderful about that. Number one, that beauty is going to last for all of eternity as you grow on the inside to be more and more and more like Christ.

Secondly, if you are a pretty lady on the inside, you become a prettier lady on the outside. I've met some women in my life. I'm thinking of one right now that's very dear to Charlotte and me. First time I met her, there was nothing about her external appearance that I found all that stunning.

But having now known her, my goodness, for almost 20-something years, I think she's beautiful. I think she's one of the prettiest women on the planet because she is so beautiful on the inside. It has made her, to me, pretty on the outside.

I've also met some women that were drop-dead gorgeous. But when I got to know them after a while, they weren't pretty at all because on the inside, they weren't very lovely. So that beauty lasts forever.

That beauty will enhance what you look like on the outside as well. But then, ladies, your husband does want you to be attractive both publicly and privately. And I stand by this statement. I've never met a woman that could not, with time, attention, care, and good judgment, make herself attractive.

You see, first of all, different men find different kinds of women attractive. If you go read Song of Solomon, as I mentioned a moment ago, three times from the top of her head to the tips of her toes, he describes her, and you do not have a clue as to what she looks like.

Now, you do know this. He thought she was beautiful. He thought she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. But you won't get that from those three descriptions other than that's what he thought, but you have no idea what she looks like.

And so, ladies, because he's your husband, you should strive to be an attractive lady, not for your girlfriends, not for other guys, but for him. And you carry yourself, and you conduct yourself, and you take care of yourself in such a way that your husband finds you attractive.

So he wants you to be attractive publicly, but, ladies, he also wants you to be attractive privately, too. Now, I don't want to make you ladies mad at me. I'm going to be through in five minutes. So I don't want you to get mad at me at the very end, but I have got to say something to you, ladies, about this very evil thing that I know was created in the place where the devil is going to spend all of his life.

And I know this is up here in Massachusetts. I know it gets cold up here, but, ladies, I've got to say something to you about this demonic thing called flannel gowns. Can I just spend a few moments and talk about the evil, wicked nature of flannel gowns and cotton socks?

Might as well get the whole thing. Cotton socks, too. The whole thing just, you know, yeah, your pastor said that he doesn't give an altar call, but I might give one today for you women to come and repent here at the front so we can, you know, get you down on your knees and get you, you know, publicly declaring your aversion to this very wicked thing.

Ladies, there's no such thing as a sexy flannel gown. It does not exist. You say, how do you know? How do you know? Well, I've looked. I've looked all over the country. I travel a lot. I've go into Victoria's Secret.

I've even snuck into Fredericks of Hollywood incognito, of course, looking for that elusive, sexy flannel gown. It's not there. It is not there. Spoken to church one time, dealt with this subject. Afterwards, if looks could kill, I would not be with you today.

This young lady came up to me and she was mad. I mean, she got right in my face and said, my husband wants to talk to you. And she walks away. And I'm like, good night. I mean, I've kicked some people off before, but nothing like that.

So I'm kind of worried. But here he comes and oh, my goodness, he is grinning from this ear to this ear. He puts his arm around me, gives me a big old hug and says, man, where have you been all my married life?

He says, I want you to come over to the house tonight because we're going to have a granny gown bonfire. I'm burning them all. Mike, I spoke in a black Baptist church one time in Dallas, Texas, Richardson, just north of Dallas marriage conference.

Got on this subject. A brother got so excited. He left the fourth pew over there, came up on the platform, hugged my neck, gave me a high five. I think he was agreeing with me. I think he was saying the brothers feel the same way.

Get rid of the flannel, the sweats and the cotton socks. So I don't care where I've been. It can be urban. It can be rural. It can be white. It can be black. All the males are of one mind on this one.

Get rid of the flannel. I move on before I get mugged. Number five, it says it all in the first words, become his best friend. Now, listen to me three minutes and I'm through three minutes. I got married when I was 21 and Charlotte was 19.

Did I think I was marrying my best friend? No, I was 21 years old. I didn't have enough sense to know what I was doing, except that I was marrying a good looking brown eyed brunette who was sweet and precious.