TLP 62: Sleepovers | helpful or harmful?

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We must be wise, premeditated parents in every way, including birthday parties, playdates, and sleepovers.

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Welcome to Truth. Love. Parents. Where we use God's Word to become intentional, premeditated parents.

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Here's your host, AM Brewster. No doubt your kids' school is either out or will be soon.

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It doesn't matter if the calendar says the summer or not, when school's out, our kids are in full summer mode and they've probably started planning out their many summer adventures, and probably most of those will involve their friends.

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But what part should we parents play in those plans? Some of you may remember on episode 35 when

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Tim Challies joined me for an engaging discussion about parental blind spots. I asked him to speak on the subject because his articles on parenting and family show he has fantastic insight and discernment as he encourages us to challenge our views on certain practices many

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Christians believe are acceptable. And today we're going to be talking about one such rite of passage that we parents need to give some more thought to.

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But more on that in a minute. I'd like to thank Scarlett for leaving this review on iTunes a few days ago. I just love getting my daily dose of truth in a loving way to parent my children.

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It's a breath of fresh air in a biblically illiterate society to recognize that there are other parents turning to the Bible to use

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His holy Word to teach and minister to our young growing disciples. We need this. Scarlett, you are not alone.

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There are many of us Bible -believing parents out there, and we at Truth Love Parent want to create a community where premeditated parents like you can be equipped and can encourage each other.

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You are part of the Genesis family of TLP. You're on the leading edge of a ministry that God is raising up to equip families to not only survive, but also thrive in this dark world.

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I thank our friend John for putting that goal into such eloquent terms for me. And part of that thriving involves whether or not our children should participate in sleepovers at their friend's house.

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And that's the topic today of our discussion. A couple years ago, it seemed as if a number of Christian authors decided to spend the night at one of each other's houses, make some bad choices, and then decide to all write about sleepovers.

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Either that, or yet another group of authors have children getting old enough to be invited to one. Either way, the articles were posted, the questions swirled, and the opinions fluctuated.

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Should we let our kids sleep over at other people's houses? If so, which houses are okay and which aren't? Lisa Cherry's article,

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What to Do About Sleepovers, is tremendously helpful because it provides a great list of considerations that not everyone thinks about.

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As I mentioned earlier, Tim Challies's article may have been the one to spark all of this interest in the first place.

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I'll link both of these articles for you in the description and on truthloveparent .com. I too want to weigh in, though, on this extremely important topic and share three additional observations

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I believe will be beneficial to the conversation because they come from a sphere of experience to which not many parents have access.

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As a former dean of students at a large Christian school and the current lead counselor to Home for At -Risk Teens, I frequently sit across from parents who look at me through soul and eyes and ask, how was

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I supposed to know this was happening? We've gone through a lot of tissues in my office in the past ten years, and when

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I say we, I mean it. Have you ever wondered how families get to that place? Have you ever been tempted to maybe judge people like that because we believe they probably would have seen it if they had paid more attention?

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Well, there are many, many avenues to destroy a family, and unfortunately, all of the dangers that contribute to the most destructive sins our youth struggle with today all flourish in the petri dish of the modern -day sleepover.

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I'd like to deal with just three of these temptations, or many more, but just three of the temptations our kids are daily faced with, and I want to discuss them in light of the subject of sleepovers.

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The first is pressure. You know, it's kind of funny, I don't know why, but modern parents have seemingly forgotten about the overwhelming power of peer pressure.

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They gladly send their children to the mall, to their friend's house, or to that digital hangout called social media with little thought as to what influences they're going to be exposed to.

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How do I know this? Well, because they send their kid to the mall without an FBI wiretap. That's how

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I know. Listen, please pay close attention. Nearly every single sin

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I have ever worked through with a young person in counseling started as a result of groupthink.

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Drug abuse, pornography, homosexuality, smoking, and rape seldom appear in a vacuum.

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Most of the choices that lead to those ends began while hanging out with a group of quote unquote friends.

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Peer pressure is real, and it seldom pressures our kids to do right. I think part of the problem is that we really believe that our kids have it all together, that they're good kids, and that they could even be an influence and a positive example to some other children.

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But when I was younger, my parents did the same thing. They wanted me to hang out with this guy in order to be a good influence on him, and hopefully you can see where this is going.

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I quickly became an unfortunate fulfillment of the negative side of Galatians 6 .1, which says brothers.

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If anyone is caught in a transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.

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Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. The important things in that verse are, yes, if someone is caught up in a transgression, if somebody is struggling, we who are spiritual should help to restore them in the right way.

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But even we who are spiritual are being warned by God to be careful lest we too are tempted. I wasn't spiritual enough.

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I was tempted. I gave in to the pressure, and I ended up making terrible choices while I was in the relationship with that guy.

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I've also dealt with many teens who have been introduced to drugs at their extended family's house. I've cried with children who have been molested at the house of church families or by their own siblings.

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I've counseled many children whose first homosexual encounters happened at sleepovers.

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Friends, welcome to one of the most dangerous cesspools of peer pressure on the planet. And I don't want to sound like I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

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I mean, think about it. Sleepovers, it's generally a group of unsupervised children. It's at night when exhausted adults are sleeping, and it's at home.

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And believe it or not, it's this one point that makes sleepovers so deceptively unsafe. For some reason, we think that just because our kids aren't in a brothel or a drug den that somehow they're okay because, you know, nothing so despicable could ever happen in my home.

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We let down our guard and assume that every word and deed is completely Christ -honoring. I used to run a camp, and I frequently would tell my counseling staff that the boys running around playing aggressively aren't generally the ones the counselor should be focusing their supervision on.

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It's that knot of cute, quiet girls sitting sweetly in a circle talking. Nearly every phone call

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I ever received as the director of that camp from angry parents had nothing to do with their children getting hurt during an aggressive game.

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It had to do with the wicked words said while everyone was being quote -unquote quiet, and the supervisors thought that they could take a mental break because everyone was sitting down.

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Well, welcome to the incarnation of sleepovers. Lord willing, your choices in high school were far purer than mine, but I believe many of you did the same things

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I did, and more. Under the noses of our very own parents, we viewed pornography, were sexually engaged, and experimented with our first addictive substances because everyone else was.

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And that leads me to the second temptation that's plaguing our children, and that just so happens to thrive at sleepovers, and it's sexuality.

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Another oversight, I think, of modern parenting is that adults seem blind to sexual issues. I believe one facet of this problem is not that most

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Christian parents deny the sexuality of our world, but that they're blind to the sexuality to which their children are exposed.

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It's a researched and undeniable fact that many elementary students in the public schools today are having sex.

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Why? Because they're sinful, self -worshipping little people who are constantly bombarded by the music and movies and shows that tell them they should be having sex.

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But for some reason, Christian parents let their kids watch and listen to the same garbage, but don't believe that the

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Christian kids are experimenting. Well, my friend, they are. They are just as sinful and self -worshipping, and they're filling their minds with the same garbage.

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What did we expect? From the time I was a teenager until now, I can say with grand certainty that over 80 % of the teens

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I've encountered in that time have experimented with various forms of sexuality. Kids from every demographic, ethnic background, and social bracket are dabbling in one of the most destructive sins ever.

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But for some reason, modern parents either don't think it's happening, or they don't think it's really that big of a deal. Time would fail me to tell of all the sexual escapades had by the many children

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I've worked with over the years. And every single one of them had parents who allowed them to watch and listen to sex -stuffed trash.

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You say, well, I don't let my kid watch or listen to those things. And hopefully you don't. But the reality is, here at Victory Academy, Mark Massey, my executive director, has made the observation that if we're being optimistic, probably only 95 % of our children have been exposed to some type of pornographic images.

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And in reality, in the world that we live in, there's a very good possibility that 100 % of our boys and our girls have been exposed to sexual images.

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Well, what's the sleepover application? Do I even need to? I could spend the rest of the day talking about groups of children of all ages and the pornographic things they did with their parents sleeping across the hall.

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It would curl your hair and offend your sensibilities. But it's happening, my friends. It's happening.

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And the last issue I want to discuss is this concept of trust. Too many parents just trust their children far too much.

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I know modern psychology has taught us that we need to respect our kids' boundaries and other equally damnable ideas, and Christian parents have bought into it.

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Honestly, my parents should have trusted me at all, and yet too often they did. I don't fault them completely.

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I was a fantastic liar, but I've been caught enough times that even I, the child, was surprised my leash was as long as it was at times, and it just made it easier to get into more and more trouble.

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I've had young people admit to me that they've stolen, done drugs, sneaked out of the house in the middle of the night and had sex, but when

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I or the teen tell the parent what they've done, the parent doesn't believe it. They're so deluded that their child would never do that, that they don't believe their own children and their admissions.

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So what's the application to sleepovers? Well, don't just accept your child's version of who will be at the party or what they'll be doing.

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Find out yourself, preferably from the parents of the house they're going to, who's going to be there and what they're going to be doing. Also, don't just accept that the house you're sending your child to believes and practices what you do.

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I remember being about five when my neighbor's mom encouraged me to do something that parents would not have allowed. It wasn't anything wicked and vulgar, but it wasn't something my mom and dad wanted me doing.

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It's true that love hopes all things and believes all things, but we're also called to be parents as wise as serpents and discerning.

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Has that parent ever shown clear signs of being spirit -filled? Do they have fruits that show their faith? If these things aren't true, we'd be wise not to trust them implicitly with the spiritual safety of our children.

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As a side note, I have spoken with a number of parents who say their children need to learn how to respond to temptation, and listen,

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I agree. The Lord not only knows what we can handle in His power, but He always provides a way to escape, and we do need to practice that.

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But I want you to consider two things. First, Proverbs is replete with admonitions to avoid temptation, not cut our teeth on it.

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It's not sound to thrust ourselves or the ones we love into temptation's way without knowing they're ready for it.

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If there were a ravenous lion in the street, I guarantee you wouldn't let your child out of the house unless you knew she would be safe.

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Well, guess what? There is a lion who wants to destroy your child. Is she ready? And secondly, we do not know our children as well as God does.

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My parents thought I was mature enough to be a good influence on that guy, but they were wrong, and I did not resist the temptation.

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I wasn't ready. I shouldn't have been hanging out with him. Because we don't know our kids like God does, we need to be even more careful throwing them to the lion.

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Listen, I don't want to sound like an alarmist, and potentially I would if I didn't possess the credentials to prove that these things are in fact happening, and they're happening all of the time in church families.

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On the other hand, I have to admit that God is graciously and vibrantly at work in the hearts of our young people.

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So much so that I do not doubt that many of them can stand strong in the face of peer pressure, that they're disgusted by sexual sins, and for those reasons and more are trustworthy.

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But most of the teens I interact with are not, and many of the elementary schoolers I interact with aren't either. So you ask me, would

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I allow my kids to have a sleepover? Yes. If they are in my house with a small number of trustworthy kids, and either

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I or my wife was with them the entire evening? Sure. Otherwise, no.

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I know the overwhelming power of peer pressure and the allure of sexuality too well to trust most Christians to make

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Christ -honoring choices in such situations, including my own. I know I didn't when I was their age. Erin, I believe you're wrong about my kids.

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You might be right, and like I said, I can imagine my kids having a sleepover in my house with a small number of kids under appropriate supervision the entire time.

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So if after wise consideration and prayer and counsel you decide that it's a good idea to let your kids attend sleepovers,

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I just recommend the following considerations. First, know your kids. Don't just trust them. Know they deserve your trust.

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Second, you need a plan for behavior. It's one thing to have an expectation for behavior at home, but you also need to have a plan for how your children will respond to other authorities and the types of activities they'll participate in.

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In your home, they've been taught how to respond to you, but responding to a different adult is very different.

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Also, in your home, generally speaking, they're not introduced to activities that they're not allowed to participate in.

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So you send them over to an environment where they're with an authority figure they trust and all of a sudden they're presented with an activity that they are not certain that you would let them participate in.

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They need to have a plan about what they should do and say. And speaking of questionable activities, third, provide them with all the tools they need to stay safe.

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An article we shared on Facebook told of a family with a simple plan. If any of their children were in a compromising situation with their friends or with their friends' relatives, all they had to do was text an ex to dad.

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The parent would automatically step in to remove the child from the situation without them having to do something dangerous or something for which they were unprepared.

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I'm not saying that's the best or only idea, but I am saying that that was a premeditated parent creating and working a plan.

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We shared another article where a mother told us about how she teaches her kids about tricky people. My point is,

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I don't care if your kids are going to the pastor's house, you need a plan to protect them if necessary. And fourth, the best course of action for young children is supervision.

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I know I probably sound like some wiretapping governmental conspiracy theorist, but this has nothing to do with theories.

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The fact is that Satan does have a conspiracy to destroy your children. Providing children accountability is never unacceptable.

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And may I say, if your children get an attitude or fight your supervision, could it be because there's something they want to do or say without you knowing about it?

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God says that men love darkness rather than light because their deeds are evil. You should have a relationship with your kids, and God should be important enough to them that having you in and out of their party is enjoyable for them because they like having you around and they weren't planning on doing anything sinful anyway.

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Listen, again, I realize I've made some startling claims today, but propriety and time keep me from expounding the most grotesque sins

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I've witnessed among the young people I've counseled in my comparatively few years. This is why I'm sharing my observations.

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The more you know about the danger, the more careful you should be. I'm here to sound the siren call of the danger of sleepovers, and it cannot be over -exaggerated.

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Sleepovers are not just cute fun. They are, by design, perfect places for sin to breed and grow, and Satan loves to use them to your children's disadvantage.

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I believe most parents just aren't aware of how real, prevalent, and dangerous peer pressure is in the lives of their children.

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They don't seem to realize how present and life -altering sexual sins are, either, and in general, they just trust their children to be more spiritually mature than they really are.

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Knowing my own past, I struggle to understand how we parents do this, but we so often do. We must be wise, premeditated parents in every area.

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This includes birthday parties, playdates, and sleepovers. Now, if you disagree, we'd love to hear your comments.

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You can share them at TruthLoveParent .com where you'll also find our episode notes and show transcripts.

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And you can email us at TeamTLP or Counselor at TruthLoveParent .com. Listen, I'm very excited about our next episode.

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We're going to be unpacking the idea of evangelism parenting, something we've been talking about a little while now. There are no shortages of opportunities to shine the light of the gospel on our kids, but there are also no shortage of opportunities for them to make a choice that will change their lives forever.

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Please, think biblically about what adventures your kids should have this summer. Truth, Love, Parent is part of the

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Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional, premeditated parent.

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Join us next time as we search God's Word for the truth your family needs today.