TLP 546: Biblical Conflict Resolution, Part 12 | a case study in Philemon

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Martial artists will deliberately strike and kick hard objects in an attempt to cause micro -fractures.

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As those tiny fractures heal, the bones become strong enough to dent metal. Parenting isn't about us.

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In fact, parenting isn't even about our kids. Parenting is just one way Christian dads and moms are to worship

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God. So welcome to the Truth Love Parent Podcast, where we train dads and moms to give

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God the preeminence in their parenting. Welcome to our last episode in this Biblical Conflict Resolution series.

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I hope that you have listened to and meditated on the previous 11 parts, and I hope that you are sharing this series with your friends.

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Everyone is either in conflict or going to be in conflict, and as God's people, we should want to learn how to glorify

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Him in all things, and that includes conflict. That's why we create this content and why we take the time to offer free episode notes, transcripts, and related resources to further your study of the material.

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Today, we're going to open the third shortest and most unique of the New Testament epistles to see how three

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Christians handled their conflict. In so doing, we'll reinforce what we've already learned as well as see an amazing promise from God.

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So, let's begin. The book of Philemon is a very short letter, but it's most unique in that it is a very personal letter that really only addresses one person.

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The author is Paul. He's writing to a gentleman named Philemon, and he's going to counsel him on how to deal with some very difficult conflict in his life.

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But before we get too much further, I'd like to make a personal plea. Truth Love Family is in a very sensitive state.

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By God's grace, we have been faithfully ministering to families all over the world since 2016, but we have done so at the expense of my and my family's, in many ways, best interest.

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But if you and our other listeners would commit to donating just $20 a month, not only could

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Truth Love Family easily cover its expenses, but it could also start paying me a living wage. Obviously, if you could give $50 or $100 or even $200 a month, that would make it even easier for us to continue fulfilling our mission of equipping dads and moms to be the biblical parents

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God called and created them to be. But it could also furnish me with the income necessary to put a roof over our heads, send my kids to college, and put food on my table without the help of social services.

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Will you please prayerfully consider donating to TLP? You can visit TruthLoveParent .com, click on the

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Donate tab, and start supporting the ministry today. There's a link in the description for becoming a TLP friend, and that will take you to the exact same place.

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I believe this ministry is at a really interesting turning point. The Lord has introduced me to some individuals who are serious about spreading the word about TLP and helping me get more speaking opportunities.

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We have a book coming out soon, our app is doing really well, and I'm going to tell you today about another online course we're developing for the

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Evermind app. All that to say, I'm very excited to see what the Lord will do, but I know that God likes to work through His people.

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So even if it's only $10 a month, please commit to giving. Whatever you can do, we could really use the assistance.

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I'm going to mention this again at the end of the episode, just so none of you forget, and I thank you in advance for what you will do.

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Okay, let's start with an introduction to the book of Philemon. The letter to Philemon is all about reconciling relationships between Christians.

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I mentioned the recipient of the letter earlier, his name is Philemon, and it appears that at some point in the past, he had a servant named

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Onesimus. There's something really interesting about Onesimus' name, and if you know about it, it helps you appreciate some wordplay

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Paul uses in the letter. Onesimus' name literally means useful. Keep that in mind.

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So, at some point in the past, Onesimus had apparently stolen from Philemon and fled Colossae. Now, in God's providence, it appears that at some time while Paul was under arrest in Rome, Onesimus met him and became a

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Christian. Presumably, Paul led Onesimus to the Lord. Now, Paul apparently wrote this letter to Philemon at the same time he wrote the letter to the

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Colossians and gave both of them to Onesimus to carry back to Philemon. In Colossians 4 .9 we read,

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And with him Onesimus, our faithful and beloved brother, who is one of you, they will tell you of everything that has taken place here.

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So that all happened before what we read in the letter. In the letter itself, Paul appealed to Philemon to accept

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Onesimus back into his household, but instead of merely bringing him back in as a servant, Paul wanted

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Philemon to accept Onesimus back as a brother in the Lord. And this is where I want to read the whole epistle while making comments on it as I go.

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Verses 1 -3 are the greeting, Paul, a prisoner for Christ Jesus and Timothy our brother, to Philemon, our beloved fellow worker, and Apphia, our sister, and Archippus, our fellow soldier and the church in your house, grace to you and peace from God our

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Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Now, I said earlier that it really only addresses one person,

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Philemon. You're going to see what I mean here shortly. I'm not saying that this letter had absolutely no bearing on Apphia and Archippus and the rest of the church because obviously they're mentioned here, but I'll explain what their role may have been.

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Continuing on in verse 4, we read about Philemon's love and faith. Paul says, I thank my God always when

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I remember you in my prayers, because I hear of your love and of the faith that you have toward the Lord Jesus and for all the saints.

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And I pray that the sharing of your faith may become effective for the full knowledge of every good thing that is in us for the sake of Christ.

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For I have derived much joy and comfort from your love, my brother, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you.

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So it's easy to see again with the my brother that clearly Paul is identifying Philemon here in the bulk of these words he's sharing at this point.

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But even though this was written to Philemon, there are many points of application for modern day Christians and most specifically you and your family when it comes to conflict.

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First, God desires for everyone in your family to love the Lord and all the saints. Second, God also desires you to have faith toward the

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Lord and for all the saints. It's very important to understand that nothing that follows can be accomplished if we don't love

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God and love each other and if we don't have faith in God and in each other. This should remind you of the steps we've taken to prepare our worldviews.

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We have to be thinking rightly about and relating correctly to God, His plan and His purposes for us, as well as each other.

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And that leads to Paul's plea for Onesimus in verse 8. Accordingly, though I am bold enough in Christ to command you to do what is required, yet for love's sake

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I prefer to appeal to you. Please note that Paul could have commanded Philemon to do everything that comes next.

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In other books, Paul does command the saints to do what he's going to admonish Philemon to do here. However, Paul would prefer for Philemon to do what's right without having to be commanded.

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This is only ever possible when a person is motivated by love and faith. Commands, threats, and punishment are only necessary when people refuse to live in a loving relationship with each other.

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During reconciliation, there are times where I will command the individuals in the inherited authority of God to be reconciled, but I'll be honest, rarely do they submit to it.

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But it's not because of my lack of persuasiveness so much as it is their sinfulness. We wouldn't need laws and rules if we loved

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God and each other the way we should. The first and greatest commandments are the very fulfillment of every other law of man.

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This is why Augustine said, love God and do whatever you want. So with this said, please know that everything that is to follow genuinely is a command, it's an expectation, it comes directly from God, and I pray your family will respond to it as Philemon did, willingly.

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That will produce the most beautiful and genuine reconciliation in your conflict. Continuing on at the end of verse 9, we read,

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I, Paul, an old man, and now a prisoner also for Christ Jesus, I appeal to you for my child

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Onesimus, whose father I became in my imprisonment. Formerly, he was useless to you, but now he is indeed useful to you and to me.

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This is clear wordplay based off of Onesimus' name, though his name meant useful, Onesimus' life choices had been pretty useless to Philemon, but now

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Onesimus was equipped in Christ to live up to his name. And this is where I want to tease some information about a new online course for your family that is in the pre -production stages.

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The course is going to be called Useful, and the subtitle is How to Have Unbreakable Relationships.

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This course is going to equip your family with teaching and life work designed to make the relationships in your home become biblically useful, whether or not there has already been conflict in your home.

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Now I know the word useful isn't very pretty or trendy, and it doesn't carry a lot of gravitas in the

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English language, but biblically speaking, we should all desperately want our family relationships to be biblically useful.

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It's a gorgeous concept that will create an amazing home life. I look forward to finalizing the teaching components of this course and then filming it.

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If your church would like to host a conference where I could teach and film this material, please reach out to me as soon as possible to get it scheduled.

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Alright, so Paul wants Philemon and Onesimus' relationships to be useful to both of them and to God.

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Therefore, Paul continues in verse 12, I am sending him, that's Onesimus, back to you, sending my very heart.

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I would have been glad to keep him with me, in order that he might serve me on your behalf during my imprisonment for the gospel, but I prefer to do nothing without your consent, in order that your goodness might not be by compulsion, but of your own accord.

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For this, perhaps, is why he was parted from you for a while, that you might have him back forever, no longer as a bondservant, but more than a bondservant, as a beloved brother, especially to me, but how much more to you, both in the flesh and in the

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Lord. I think it's important to note that Paul is saying a lot of things that are designed to turn

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Philemon's eyes back on his own life, in order to search out any potential logs of sin that may be hidden from him.

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By the way, I believe this is why, in part, Apphia and Archippus are named. They too potentially needed to grant forgiveness and be reconciled with Onesimus.

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Or maybe Paul was hoping they would provide accountability and assistance to Philemon as he navigated the process.

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There could have been a lot of bitterness and resentment in Philemon's mind as he stood there looking at Onesimus, delivering this letter to him.

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Now what comes next is really beautiful, and it's an amazing truth that is the very crux of today's episode.

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Paul believes that no matter how close Paul and Onesimus had become in the past, and they had become very close,

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Paul refers to himself as being Onesimus's father. He talks about sending his very heart back to Philemon.

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He talks about being glad to have kept him, that Onesimus could have served Paul. All of these words that he uses to describe how close their relationship had become in the recent years, or days,

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I'm not really sure how long he was there. But Philemon and Onesimus, Paul says, could have been closer than even

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Paul and Onesimus were. Onesimus not having sinned against Paul that we know of, Onesimus being led to the

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Lord by Paul. And yet, this other relationship, this broken relationship from the past,

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Paul is saying Philemon and Onesimus's relationship could be closer than his and Onesimus's.

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That should be obvious from the reading of the text, but how does that make sense? Not only could any good relationship get better with time, but conflict so easily destroys relationships if we let it.

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So how does this work? God allows conflict to come into our relationships in order to strengthen those relationships in Him.

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This is part of preparing our worldview. We absolutely need to understand the biblical truths being taught in these verses.

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There would have been no hope for Onesimus outside of God, but in Christ, Philemon and Onesimus's relationship could have become beloved, both physically and spiritually.

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And here's the kicker. What Paul is communicating here is that Philemon and Onesimus had the potential of having a better and closer relationship than Paul and Onesimus directly due to the fact that they actually were navigating conflict.

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The very presence of the conflict holds with it the promise that the relationship could be stronger.

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Paul very likely led Onesimus to the Lord, we've made that observation, but as strong as that bond may be, we learn here that the bond formed after biblically reconciling conflict is always stronger.

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A relationship that's been broken by conflict is just like a broken bone. When healed, the point of the break will be stronger than the bone could have ever been on its own.

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No matter how strong the bone may have become over time, the healing that occurs at the point of the break will always be the strongest part of the bone.

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In fact, it's nearly impossible to have the same part of the bone break a second time. Knowing this about bones, martial artists will deliberately strike and kick hard objects in an attempt to cause micro fractures in the bones.

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As those tiny fractures heal, the bones become strong enough to break through wood and cement and even dent metal.

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All of this to say that the sweetest Christian relationships are always a byproduct of conflict.

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But such relationships can only be achieved by working through that conflict in a Christ -honoring way.

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Allow me to read verses 15 -16 again. For this, perhaps, is why he was parted from you for a while, that you might have him back forever, no longer as a bond -servant, but more than a bond -servant, as a beloved brother especially to me, but how much more to you, both in the flesh and in the

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Lord. Paul is saying that God's eternal purpose for the conflict is that their relationship can now be closer than it ever could have been before.

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Yes, conflict was part of the problem, but the cure that comes through biblical conflict resolution produces a relationship that is far stronger than it ever could have been.

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Now a few points about this before we finish the letter. First, this truth should never motivate us to sin.

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We shouldn't say, well, sinning against people isn't so bad because it's even beneficial if it produces a stronger relationship after the fact.

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Yeah, God is not giving us an excuse to sin here. Instead, he's giving us hope.

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He's providing an exciting promise that things really can be better, not just tolerating the relationship or always living in suspicion of the relationship, but the relationship can be stronger and deeper than it was before because of the conflict as long as you resolve it correctly.

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He's motivating us to prepare for potential conflict as we go to them and confront them about the sin or reveal our own sin because the reconciliation that's possible through Christ is really worth it.

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Second, we should never run from conflicted relationships until we've attempted to reconcile. The world would have us immediately cut off quote -unquote toxic relationships.

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But in Matthew 18, Jesus says that it's always worth doing the work to win back your brother.

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Sure, there may come a time where they make it perfectly clear they have no interest in reconciling to God's glory and even though you should always be ready to take them back when they submit to God in times like those, your relationship will have to part.

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But that stage is not what I'm talking about today. Don't shy from reconciliation. The presence of conflict needs to be one of the motivations to fight for the relationship rather than an excuse to run from it.

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And third, be encouraged that God wants to use a conflict to create a stronger relationship between the two of you.

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This idea will be unpacked to a much greater degree in the online course, Useful, How to Have Unbreakable Relationships.

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For now though, you can take God's word for it. It can happen and that's what we're working toward in this whole

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Biblical conflict resolution series. Now, let's finish Paul's letter to Philemon, starting in verse 17.

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So, if you consider me your partner, receive him as you would receive me. If he has wronged you at all or owes you anything, charge that to my account.

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I, Paul, write this with my own hand. I will repay it. To say nothing of your owing me even your own self.

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Yes, brother, I want some benefit from you in the Lord. Refresh my heart in Christ. Confident of your obedience,

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I write to you knowing that you will do even more than I say. At the same time, prepare a guest room for me, for I am hoping that through your prayers

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I will be graciously given to you. Paul's confidence in Philemon's obedience was refreshing.

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And it's also really powerful how Paul was willing to do whatever it took to help them through the reconciliation process.

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And that's one of the final points of Biblical conflict resolution. Get help. If you have prepared yourself, made the time, spoken lovingly and spoken truthfully, but there is still not reconciliation, please get someone else involved.

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Start with your pastor. If he can't or won't do it, find a mature believer in your church to walk with you through this process.

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And if you can't find any of them, please reach out to a Biblical counselor like Faith Tree Biblical Counseling and Discipleship.

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Just as we learned in Matthew 18, if the individual won't reconcile with you when you approach them one -on -one, it's going to become very important for you to bring along some help later on.

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And then Paul ends the letter with this. Epaphras, my fellow prisoner in Christ Jesus, sends greetings to you, and so do

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Mark, Aristarchus, Demas, and Luke, my fellow workers. The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit.

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Now, there's a lot of the story that we don't have. Sure, we can assume that Onesimus was coached by Paul to confess his sin, ask for forgiveness, and commit to repentance.

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And we definitely want to give Philemon the benefit of the doubt that he forgave Onesimus their relationship experienced the joy of being stronger than it ever could have been.

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Paul definitely had that belief and hoped that it would work out that way. But regardless of what those two men did, we have

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God's expectations for how we are to work through conflict. I hope this series has planted a number of seeds that the

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Holy Spirit will water and grow into the character necessary to avoid conflict in the first place, but also pursue

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Biblical conflict resolution regardless of who has sinned against whom. If you would like some assistance preparing yourself, identifying your sin, making the time, speaking lovingly or speaking truthfully, please don't hesitate to reach out to Counselor at TruthLoveParent .com

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or call 828 -423 -0894. We would love to help.

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And from now until the end of July 2024, you can receive a 50 % discount on all of your counseling sessions.

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And I hope you're excited about our newest online course for the Evermind app called How to Have Unbreakable Relationships.

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If your church would like to host a conference where we record that material, please let me know right away.

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Visit ambruster .com for more details. And don't forget that we desperately need your help.

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Will you please become a donor? Click on the link in the description of this episode to learn more. And I look forward to meeting with you the next time as we prepare for our 30th season of Truth Love Parenting.

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Truth Love Parent is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you worship

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God through your parenting. So join us next time as we study God's Word to learn how to parent our children for life and godliness.

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And remember that TLP is a listener -supported ministry. You can visit TruthLoveParent .com forward slash donate to learn more.