How To Love Your Children And Let Them Know It

Bethlehem Bible Church

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October 29, 2006

00:00: Thank you for being so kind to my wife and to me as we've been here these three days and have had a wonderful time
00:06: Worshipping with you all and talking about and thinking about marriage and family and also just being Here during this very beautiful time of the year here in New England So thank you so much for making our visit here.
00:18: Very wonderful I want you to take your Bible and join me in the book of Ephesians the sixth chapter Ephesians chapter 6 and this morning
00:28: We're gonna think on the subject of how to love your children and let them know it
00:33: Or if you like we could entitle this message God's guidelines For growing your kids and I'm going to try to make the argument that the two are not mutually exclusive Ephesians chapter 6 beginning with verse 1 and reading through verse 4
00:52: Paul writes children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right honor your father and mother which is the first commandment with promise that it may be well with you and you may live long on the
01:04: Earth and you fathers do not provoke your children to wrath But bring them up in the training and the admonition of the
01:12: Lord Clearly in her day Lucille Ball was the queen of comedy
01:18: And not too long before she died Lucy was interviewed on television by Merv Griffin and in that interview
01:25: Merv Griffin asked Lucy a series of very interesting and I also believe very important questions
01:33: Lucille you've lived a long time on this earth and you are a wise person What's happened to our country?
01:39: What's wrong with our children? Why are our families falling apart? What's missing into those series of questions
01:47: Lucille Ball simply said? Papa's missing Things are falling apart because Papa's gone
01:55: If Papa were here He would fix it Lucy was probably more right than she realized in 1960 only 18 % of children in America lived separated from their biological father today almost 40 % do so Yes in far too many homes today
02:17: Papa is gone and yet there's another tragedy stalking the land where you see in many homes
02:23: Though Papa is there physically He's not there He is tuned out and he is checked out and he really doesn't know what's going on in the life of his children
02:36: Several years ago a young lady wrote a letter to 17 magazine I think she probably expressed quite well the heartache and sorrow
02:44: That far too many children know today in their relationship with their parents and in particular their father
02:51: Listened to what she wrote. Have you ever heard of a father who won't talk to his daughter? My father doesn't seem to know
02:58: I'm alive in my whole life He has never said he loves me or giving me a goodnight kiss unless I asked him to I Think the reason he ignores me is because I'm so boring
03:09: I look at my friends and I think if I were funny like Jill or a super brain like Sandy or even
03:16: Outrageous and punk like Tasha. He would put down his paper and be fascinated
03:21: I play the recorder and for the past three years I've been a soloist in the fall concert at school mom comes to the concerts
03:31: Dad never does This year. I'm a senior and so it's his last chance I'd give anything to look out into the audience and see him there.
03:40: But who am I kidding? It will never happen
03:46: Now parents, I don't want to overstate the case at all this morning, but I won't tell you something knowing that your mom and dad care and Knowing that your mom and dad will be there when you need them.
04:00: I Believe sometimes can even be the difference between life and death for a child
04:06: Focus on the family carried a story a few years ago. It had run earlier and readers digest
04:11: It's a true story and it's one of the most remarkable stories I've ever heard of the difference
04:17: That the love of a father made in the life of one of his children
04:22: Let me just quickly share this remarkable story with you One day a father took his two elementary school aged children for a ride in a pontoon boat
04:31: They were traveling down the river when suddenly the motor stopped when the father looked behind him
04:37: He noticed something familiar about the red sweater tangled up in the propeller his young son yelled
04:44: Sherry fell in in Horror, the father saw his little girl entwined in the propeller of the boat
04:52: She was submerged just beneath the surface of the water looking straight in the eyes of her daddy and holding her breath
05:01: He jumped into the water and he tried to pull the motor up But the heavy engine would not budge and time was now running out
05:09: Desperately the father filled his own lungs with air and dipped below the surface blowing air into his daughter's lungs
05:16: After giving her air three times The father took a knife from his shocked son's hand
05:23: He quickly cut the red sweater from the propeller and he lifted his daughter back into the boat
05:29: Although she had survived her deep cuts and bruises needed medical attention So they rushed her to the hospital
05:35: But when the crisis was over the doctors and nurses came into the room and they asked the little girl this question.
05:42: How come? You didn't panic well, she said we've grown up on the river and my dad always taught us that if you panic you could die and besides I Knew my daddy
05:56: He would come and get me Now parents do your kids know that?
06:03: Do your kids know that if they did something that broke your heart if they did something that?
06:08: Disappointed you if they found their back against the wall. Do they know my dad my mom?
06:15: They would be there and they would come and get me. I Think again runs throughout
06:28: America today and that truth is this parents do love their children, but that's not the issue The issue is by the things you say and the things you do do your children know and feel
06:40: That you love them. That's what I want us to do today is go to God's Word I want us to allow the
06:45: Word of God to inform us as to how it is that we can let our Children know that we love them and in the process follow some good
06:54: Godly Guidelines that will help us grow kids in a way that I believe will honor the
07:00: Lord and lead them to the Lord First of all in Ephesians 6 the Bible says this we love our children
07:07: By educating them that is the thrust of verses 1 through 3. We love our children by Educating them now.
07:15: The first thing Paul says is this it's proper that we do this verse 1 children Obey your parents in the
07:22: Lord for this is Right. That word obey is a present imperative the imperative.
07:28: It's a word of command God is not asking God is not suggesting God commands children you
07:35: Obey your parents. It's in the present tense Which means this is to be the the habit or the lifestyle of a child in other words
07:44: It is to be the pattern of life That a child Will obey mom and dad
07:50: I tell parents all the time from the time your children are little as they grow up convey to them your expectation of Obedience.
08:02: Yes, they will make mistakes and do things wrong, but disobedience should be the exception
08:07: Not the norm and so we convey to them we teach them we instruct them that God says it is proper for you to obey your
08:16: Parents now Paul qualifies it in two ways. He says number one It's in the
08:22: Lord and Paul says secondly, this is Right. I believe that phrase in the
08:28: Lord in this context means before or unto the Lord in other words When a child is obeying mom and dad
08:37: What they're actually doing is obeying the Lord and when they disobey mom and dad what they're doing is disobeying
08:44: The Lord God blessed us with four sons They're now 25 25 23 and 21, but as they were growing up, yes
08:54: We started with twins, but as they were growing up We always taught them and I always tried to help them understand guys
09:00: Ultimately your obedience or your disobedience. It's not against me. It's not against your mother
09:08: It's before the Lord and when you obey us you're obeying Jesus and when you disobey us
09:16: You're disobeying the Lord it is in The Lord and then secondly, he says this is right.
09:23: This is the way God ordained it This is the way God established it. This is the way God planned for a family to function and operate children
09:32: You obey your parents in the Lord for this is
09:38: Right, it is the proper thing to do but then secondly Paul says in verses 2 through 3
09:43: There's a promise and Paul being the theologian that he is goes back Both to the
09:49: Ten Commandments found in Exodus chapter 20 and again in a Deuteronomy chapter 5 and Paul says look
09:55: There is a promise to those children that will obey and honor mom and dad and that promise is this
10:02: I Will give you a better life. I will give you a longer life look at it It's right there in the text verse to honor another present imperative word of command
10:12: Continuous action you continually honor your father and mother. Here is the first commandment with a promise
10:19: Well, what's the promise Paul that it may be well with you? There's the better life that you may live long on the earth
10:27: There's longer life a better life a longer life as a general covenant as a general pattern
10:33: If you will honor and obey mom and dad Now some of you hear me read that this morning and you want to say but wait a minute
10:40: Danny stop timeout Hold on that may be true if you Grew up in a good home
10:48: But if you knew the hell on earth, I grew up in If you knew the dysfunctional family that has been and is my experience
10:57: You would know these verses. They're not for me It may be that God expects this of someone in a good home
11:05: But there's no way that God would expect me to obey and honor my mom and dad
11:12: In fact, you probably grew up in a good home Danny And so you don't know what many of us have gone through or have experienced.
11:20: Well, you would be right on the front end I did grow up in a good home with a good dad and a good mom.
11:26: They loved me They took me to church they they came to my ballgames they provided I have no complaints about the way my mom and my dad
11:35: Took care of me and my brother and sister But God in his providence
11:41: Gave me a wife Who had exactly the opposite experience of me?
11:47: You see Charlotte was born into the home of alcoholic parents And when she was seven years old, they got a divorce
11:55: And after bouncing around from one home to another at the age of nine Charlotte Her brother and her sister were all three placed in the
12:05: Georgia Baptist Children's Home in Palmetto, Georgia Just outside of Atlanta where she would live from the time.
12:11: She was nine until she was 18 During those years. She would not see her mother
12:18: In fact the last time she saw her mother as a nine -year -old little girl. She was sitting on a bench on a porch
12:23: Her mother walked outside Slapped her in the face knocked her off the bench out into the yard and said all of this is your fault
12:33: Her daddy came to see her a couple of times the first month or so. She was in the children's home
12:39: She would not see her dad again until after we were married In fact when we got married, she called her dad.
12:47: I was standing right beside her Tears just running down her face as she said daddy. I'm getting married
12:55: I would love for you to give me away But I know you're shy and so if you don't want to you don't have to I Just want you to come
13:07: Even though he lived not too far away. He said well, I Won't be able to make it
13:14: But I hope you have a really Great day She kind of knew that was what was going to happen.
13:22: You see When she was in the children's home Though her daddy came to see her a couple of times
13:28: He quit coming Even though my wife would call him and she would say daddy
13:34: Are you coming to see me this weekend? And he would always say yeah, babe. I'm coming to see you and so my wife on Saturday would go out on the front porch of her cottage and she would sit and She would wait two
13:49: Three Sometimes four hours for a daddy Who never showed up the first time
13:59: I met him we were in Atlanta, Georgia for Christmas her father came over to have a
14:06: Christmas dinner with with us and her mom and I will say to you I did not act as I ought
14:12: I was angry with him. I Was very put out with him for the way he had treated my wife and his daughter.
14:19: In fact while we were there he came over to me and he put his hand on my arm and He said
14:25: I I want to apologize and I yanked my arm back. I said, don't you apologize to me? I Said I'm not the one you owe an apology.
14:34: She's standing right over there He just walked away later
14:40: We took him back to the Veterans Hospital in Atlanta, Georgia Where he was again going through a detoxification for his alcoholism
14:49: He got out of our van and was walking up the sidewalk and again insensitive angry
14:55: Totally wrong. I looked at my wife and I said, you know, your dad is just pretty sorry, isn't he?
15:02: He's not worth much And she turned and looked at me and I'll never ever forget what she said because with again tears running down her face
15:12: She said well Yeah, I guess he is But he is still my daddy and I Will always love him her daddy died lost
15:30: He's in hell today Alcohol played a big part in all of that her mother
15:38: Was saved one week before she died on her deathbed at Grady Hospital in Atlanta, Georgia We found out that she was in the hospital and that she was dying
15:50: Charle again began to cry saying, you know, it just overwhelms me to think of my mother likewise dying and going to hell
15:58: You think a friend of ours by the name of James Merritt would go witness to my mom if we called him and I said
16:03: Yes, I think he would and so we got on our knees We prayed we called this friend And he went down to Grady Hospital and on her deathbed.
16:12: He shared the gospel And folks I believe in the grace of God I believe that we don't contribute one stitch to our salvation and you say well, it's not fair.
16:22: What's fair about grace? It's free and unmerited and a week before she died because I believe of the prayers and the tears of a daughter
16:32: Her mother was born again and brought into the kingdom of God and one week later. She dies If you've met my wife while we've been here, you know that I'm married to a really fine lady
16:43: She's a great wife. She's a wonderful mother She's one of my heroes. My wife is one of my heroes and the reason is she was born into hell on earth
16:55: She was born into a mess but she to the best of her ability all of her life has tried to honor and love her mom and dad and God kept his word and he has blessed her with a good life a better life
17:10: He has blessed her to this point with long healthy life. And you see even if you are in a horrible situation
17:18: You honor and obey God's Word and God promises He will honor and bless your obedience.
17:25: And so the Bible says we love our children by educating them But now secondly in verse 4 the
17:32: Bible says we love our children by Encouraging them look at it and you fathers
17:38: I believe Paul is developing his argument out of the backdrop of Deuteronomy chapter 6
17:44: Paul remembers that when the children of Israel are about to enter the promised land God gave a command to the fathers and the grandfathers to teach the children when they lie down When they get up when they walk and when they sit and so Paul again reminds men
18:01: We are called to a leadership assignment in the home you Fathers do not provoke your children to wrath
18:09: But bring them up in the training and the admonition of the
18:16: Lord The first thing Paul says is this we should avoid Making our children angry you fathers do not provoke it means to make angry
18:25: It means to agitate it has the picture of an unsettling situation So that you never know what dad is going to say
18:34: You're not sure what dad might do and so there's no stability in the world of the child and the
18:40: Bible says don't you provoke? your children in this way But rather you be active in giving them advice you bring them up same phrase
18:49: That is a single Greek word that back in chapter 5 in verse 29 is translated
18:55: Nourishes you nourish your children in the training and in the admonition the instruction of the
19:05: Lord Now parents hear me say that and they say but wait Danny. Hold on timeout timeout.
19:11: Stop. Hold on Kids don't pay attention to mom and dad all the experts tell us they are more influenced by peer pressure than they are by Parental instruction and folks without being unkind
19:24: I don't give a rip what the so -called experts think or say on this one.
19:31: They're dead wrong Furthermore, there is overwhelming evidence that would demonstrate that those opinions that have floated out there from time to time are simply off base
19:40: Because I'll tell you something parents listen to me Your kids do care what you think
19:47: They do listen to what you say and They pay a tremendous amount of attention to what you do
19:56: There was a survey taken a few years ago by Time magazine the Gen X generation They asked him this question if you were stranded on a desert island and you could have only one thing
20:08: What would that one thing be? Well here were their answers 10 % said if I was stranded on a desert island,
20:15: I'd want a TV Though what you're gonna do with a
20:21: TV on a stranded desert island, I don't know. I'm not going to chase that down I'm gonna leave that one alone for another day, but 10 % said
20:29: I'd want a TV 15 % said books 21 % said a computer 24 % said music but the number one answer was stranded on a desert island.
20:42: I'd want my dad and my mom The most extensive survey of American teenagers ever taken place that has ever occurred in America took place in 1998
20:57: Newsweek reported on that and one of their summary statements was this and I quote in a recent national survey teenagers named their parents as their number one heroes
21:13: Not an athlete Not a rock star Not a politician
21:20: My number one hero, that's easy. My dad and my mom You see parents they do care what we think they do listen to what we say.
21:30: And yes They pay a tremendous amount of attention to what?
21:36: we Do so here's what I want to do for the remainder of my message I want to build on this biblical theological foundation and give you some practical things that likewise are biblically grounded
21:47: That can give you and me Insight into how it is that we day in and day out
21:53: Can relate to our kids in a way that will let them know that we love them. I've got about 12 of them
21:59: I'm gonna move through them very very quickly and I'm just gonna say a word about one or two here and there and yawn but let me tell you something folks these things are true because they're biblically grounded and Because they're true and biblically grounded they will work
22:12: And so if you will just begin to implement these kinds of things in your everyday dealing with your children
22:18: You'll be amazed at how far down the road you will get in your relationship with them
22:24: Number one, we love our children by entering into their world and getting down on their level
22:30: We love our kids I call it incarnational parenting by getting down on their level and entering into their world
22:38: You step back and you ask How does my five -year -old? How does my ten -year -old?
22:45: How does my 15 or 18 year old? How do they look at life given their age given their sex given their interest given their maturity and you love them?
22:55: By getting into their world. That's how we know this morning that God loves us Because he got in our world in the person of Jesus Christ now
23:05: I want to be fair parents saying this is a lot easier than doing it It is not always easy to get into the world of a child
23:13: I heard about a little boy his turtle died broke his heart He he cried all day mom could get nowhere with him daddy came home and she said honey
23:22: You got to do something his turtle died. He's in the backyard crying all day Daddy goes back there and sure enough the turtles not moving little boys crying.
23:30: So dad says Son, look, I'm sorry your turtle died, but I tell you what We can have a turtle funeral and Celebrate your turtle going to turtle heaven or wherever they go when they die
23:40: And I tell you what, we'll we'll we'll I'll get a shoebox and we'll put him in there. I'll dig a hole We'll bury him and I will preach a little
23:47: Turtle funeral sermon for your turtle and since we're gonna have a little service
23:53: You can invite all of your friends over for the funeral service of the turtle and I tell you what since we're celebrating
24:00: It's going to the turtle heaven. We'll have a party I'll get your mama to make a cake and I'll make some homemade ice cream and we'll just have a little party to celebrate the turtles funeral and then after that if there's time we'll go down to the park and we'll we'll take our bat and ball and We'll ride the rides and play some ball son
24:19: What do you think if we do that to to celebrate your your dying turtle and he tears running down his face?
24:25: He says you mean we could have a party Oh, we'd have a party and I can invite all my friends every one of them and you'll make ice cream a moment, babe
24:34: We'll do everything. I said What do you think the tears stopped?
24:42: And a little smile came across his face and a little boy said well dad That'll be okay boy.
24:49: Dad felt good. He had saved the day took his son by the hand They begin to go back to the house. And can you believe it at exactly that moment out of that shell boom?
24:58: Comes that turtles head And he begins to look around and check everything out and and the dad saw it and the dad said well look son
25:07: Look your turtle. He's not dead after all and the little boy began to scream and cry kill him daddy.
25:15: Kill him. I Want to have my party?
25:28: now folks That may not make sense to a 49 year old like me, but it makes sense
25:37: Total sense to a little five -year -old boy. So you're gonna love them
25:43: Yeah, it's not always easy, but you're gonna get down on their level and you're gonna enter into their world number two
25:49: You love your children by just loving your mate. You love your children by loving your mate in fact,
25:58: I believe this parents I believe great partners almost always make great parents because The number one need in the life of a child related to love is security and Nothing brings security in the life of a child like knowing my dad loves my mother and My mother she loves my dad and they're always going to be here just for me
26:26: And so yes, gentlemen, we're told in Ephesians 525 to love our wives as Christ loved the church and gave
26:33: Himself for her we even told in Titus 2 for that older women are to teach younger women
26:41: How to love their husbands and their children and if you'll just love your mate
26:46: You will give that child about 95 % of all that they need
26:51: Number three you love your kids by giving them discipline by giving them discipline Proverbs has a ton to say about this
26:59: You say why Danny do they need discipline? Well, we all know why they come into the world as little sinners and they come into the world screaming
27:07: How much can I get away with where are the boundaries? What's right? What's wrong now again? I would not claim to be an expert
27:14: I flew by the seat of my pants for about 25 years and I learned a few things along the way some of it worked
27:21: Some of it didn't but I also learned that when you do implement some of the things you find in Scripture.
27:27: It's amazing It's amazing they they do pan out as you would expect and so let me say a couple of things to you here
27:34: First of all, this is just a common -sense thing. I Believe in giving our kids a big playing field not a little box
27:42: But a big playing field in which to operate you say why two reasons? First reason if you say to your child
27:50: You must stay in the little box all the time They won't
27:57: They can't So why not? Because they're kids and God did not does
28:02: I see specially design a little boy to live in a little box He did not put them together to do that.
28:09: Okay Secondly, and this is what's crucial. You won't be consistent You will not be consistent and parents you listen to me wherever you draw the line
28:19: You have got to be very very very very Consistent in your discipline when our boys were little we had a rule
28:30: You cannot go in mom and dad's bathroom If you do you will get a spanking you say why?
28:39: Because one day Nathan one of our twins went in there and swallowed a bottle of Campo Fenique So we took him to one hospital.
28:46: Then we went to Parkland where they took John Kennedy We went to Parkland Hospital We sat there from about 10 o 'clock at night till about 2 o 'clock in the morning
28:54: Finally a doctor comes out and says what's wrong with him? And we said he's followed Campo Fenique He said when did he do it?
29:02: We said about 637 o 'clock. He said well if nothing's happened to him by now
29:07: He's fine. You can go home and They charged us for it too. I mean we pay for that So that's that's that's another issue think about that some other time
29:17: So anyway, we decide you know, there's really nothing in there They need to be messing with so we had a rule you go to the bathroom.
29:24: You're gonna get a spanking Well one Saturday morning Jonathan the other twin comes into the bedroom and he does this he walks right over to the edge of the carpet and The linoleum
29:34: I mean just like this gets his foot as close as he can Like a little boy can looks up at daddy and just you know
29:42: Just smiling and grinning and I said now son, you know the rule if you go into that bathroom
29:50: You are going to get a spanking He looked back down his feet
29:56: Looked up at me and he did this Just put that foot over one time and brought it back you say well, well, what did you do
30:06: I Wore his backside out that's exactly what I did because I told him you go in the bathroom and you will get a
30:17: Spanking and parents wherever you draw the lines You've got to be consistent in your discipline.
30:24: I also believe this I believe if your children are faithful Truthful and trustworthy
30:32: I Think you'll let the playing field get bigger and bigger and bigger That's what we did with our boys by the time they were getting into the upper years of high school and then into college
30:43: We pretty much let them do anything. They wanted to you say why because they were faithful They were trustworthy.
30:49: They were dependable on the other hand I told them guys if you're not faithful and trustworthy that playing field will get smaller and smaller and smaller
30:59: And if I have to I will chain your tail to your bed till the day you die in Jesus name
31:09: And you won't go anywhere do anything and you say well, why did you say that because I love them too much
31:16: To let them make fools of themselves. And so I said guys you'll establish the size of the playing field
31:23: I'll just be the enforcer but where the lines need to be drawn. I'll draw and it'll all be on your
31:30: Shoulders, I also think this I Believe we discipline our children all the days.
31:37: They're under our watch care under our roof But I think we adjust the way we discipline as they grow older You say why do you say that?
31:46: Well, listen to what Proverbs chapter 29 in verse 15 says just listen The rod and the rebuke give wisdom, but a child left to himself will bring shame to his mother
31:57: Let me add a word of commentary if I might the the rod when they're young The rebuke and in our culture,
32:04: I would add the restriction will bring wisdom, but you leave a child alone He'll bring shame to his mother.
32:11: You said now wait Danny. Come on 2006 21st century sophisticated world you still think it's alright to spank children when they're little
32:21: I Not only think it's alright, I think sometimes is absolutely essential and necessary We had four little boys
32:31: I could sit them down and I could talk and I could reason and I could give them an airtight
32:38: Argument and for some reason I don't know why they just didn't get it
32:43: But you get back here You see their brain is in their buns until I become teenagers.
32:49: That's where their brain is located And you get back there and it's amazing. It's amazing how intelligent they suddenly become
32:58: Now stay with me always under control and In moderation.
33:06: Yes, I think the rod gives wisdom the folks let me remind you that in the world of the
33:13: Bible a Man a little boy or a girl became an adult at the age of 12 or 13
33:20: So I have a follow -up question You think dad was taking the rod to him when they were 14 16 18 years old highly unlikely
33:29: Now you may have an exceptional unusual situation. It will be exceptional and it will be unusual
33:36: You say those boys of yours. Did you spank them when they were little? Yes some When did you stop?
33:44: I Have no recollection. I mean they don't either because I've asked them I have no recollection of spanking any of them after they were 12 years old.
33:52: None zero now I continued to discipline them because I loved them But when they were young men,
33:58: I discovered that the rebuke and the restriction were far better Mechanisms of discipline than using the rod but parents you listen to me.
34:07: You love those kids you will discipline them
34:13: Number four You love your kids by looking at them. You say what?
34:18: Yes By looking at them the Bible tells us in the book of Proverbs chapter 20 in verse 12 that the hearing ear
34:25: The seeing eye of the Lord has made them both and I know primarily the eye is given to see but do you realize that outside?
34:32: of your mouth Probably the most effective device you have for communicating with your children is your eyes
34:39: Because your eyes can say to your kids If you do that again, you're dead meat and the eyes say it all or you can say to them with your eyes
34:49: I love you, and I'm so glad God gave you to me. I don't want to be ugly this morning.
34:54: I don't when we lived in Dallas, we were a member of a church and there was a lady in our church and Any night there was a full moon.
35:03: You would see her circling the city on her broom She was a broom
35:12: Riding cauldron stirring wit. She was a mean mean woman
35:19: And brother Mike believe it or not. She came to church every Sunday. It was amazing She'd come every Sunday and she grin and she smiled and she could slice and dice with the best
35:32: Well, you know what we all know you're supposed to act like Jesus even when you don't want to And she'd come up to us and we wouldn't want to talk to her
35:40: We wouldn't want to be near her But we would stay there and we'd smile and we'd listen and we'd talk and then as soon as we could we'd get away
35:50: Well, we'd been talking to her one Sunday Got in our van to go home my twins with this time where I guess about eight or nine came up in the front of the van before we left and they
35:59: Said daddy You know that lady that you and mama were talking to I said, yes
36:06: Well, she scares us And I said she scares me too, no,
36:11: I didn't no I didn't no I didn't I thought about it I mean, I'm telling you it almost came out, but that wasn't the right daddy thing to do.
36:19: So I said, oh really? Why does she scare you and here's what they said.
36:25: They said well daddy that lady smiles with her face But she sure has some real mean
36:34: That's right and my little boys Could read that lady for who she really was because her eyes told
36:44: Everything and so yes parents understand something. Sometimes your eyes are screaming so loudly
36:51: They don't hear what's coming out of your mouth and you love them by looking at them number five
36:57: You love them by touching them Ecclesiastes 3 5 reminds us what there is a time to Embrace now listen to me.
37:06: Let me be specific here dads God has blessed you with daughters in a good healthy way and we all know what that means
37:16: You need to hold them You need to hug them and you need to kiss them you say why because God designed a girl with a need for male affirmation
37:29: God designed her in such a way that she needs it first and foremost from her father
37:37: Gentlemen, listen to me. If you don't hold them and hug them and kiss on them in a good way they will go in search for that male affirmation somewhere else and Most likely in the process they'll break your heart
37:55: Moms, let me give you a word of encouragement. I discovered an amazing thing a few years ago I discovered that a teenage boy a
38:02: Teenage boy now will let his mother kiss him in the morning when she takes him to school
38:09: If she will just do it in the floorboard of the car That's right as Long as it takes place where nobody can see he'll let you do it
38:19: He will because you see God designed a boy with a need for that kind of roughhouse affection from dad
38:26: But that more sweet and tender affection from mom, but folks God made kids with a need
38:33: Be hugged and held and kissed by their mom and by their dad
38:40: Number six you love your kids by spending time with them by spending time with them
38:46: Focus on the family took a survey about a decade ago. I saw a secular survey in August of 2003 and unfortunately hardly anything has changed on average a
38:59: Five -year -old spends about 25 good minutes a week with daddy, but they spend 25 hours a week with a television set 25 minutes with dad 25 hours with a
39:12: TV that may explain this Reader's Digest took a survey of four and five -year -olds and they asked them this question
39:20: If you had to vote if you had to choose to give away either your daddy or your
39:26: TV Which would you choose to give away? 33 % one in three said
39:35: I'd rather give away my daddy Then I would my TV One man thinking back over his childhood sat down and wrote these words to his parents listen to me
39:47: Listen to him You didn't take care of me. You sent me to daycare You didn't feed me.
39:52: You sent me to McDonald's. You didn't study with me. You bought me a computer You didn't talk to me.
39:57: You bought me a stereo. You didn't look at me You bought me a TV and you did not play with me. You bought me toys now that I'm grown and you are old
40:06: Why should I come and see you? I don't even know who you are
40:13: And yes, it has been well said that love is a beautiful four -letter word It is sometimes best spelt t .i
40:22: .m .e Number seven you love your kids by listening to them
40:28: James 119 It monitors us to be swift to hear and slow to speak which means what parents putting down the paper?
40:36: turning off the TV I Ear to ear heart to heart and by locking in and that kind of a way you say to your children
40:46: I think what you think is important and I am here not so much to talk as I am here to Listen and you love them by just listening to them number eight
41:01: You love your children by blessing them rather than cursing them Blessing them rather than cursing them you say
41:08: Danny what in the world are you talking about your words?
41:14: I Over the years have been collecting things Statements words that I have heard coming out of the mouth of parents
41:23: Directed toward their children see if you Just recognize a few of these
41:30: Put that down stop that right now shut up. I don't care what you're doing come here right now
41:36: Listen to me. Give me that don't touch that go away. Leave me alone Can't you see
41:42: I'm busy not like that stupid boy. That was really dumb Can't you do anything right?
41:48: Why you'd lose your head if it wasn't screwed on hurry up. We don't have all day What's the matter with you?
41:55: Can't you hear anything? I don't know what I'm going to do with you. It always gets quiet at this point of the message
42:07: Because words we would never say to a stranger Hardly say to a dog
42:14: We say guilty as charged we say to our precious children
42:20: And parents you listen to me those kind of words don't bless They curse
42:26: They don't build up They tear down You should never ever underestimate the power of your words
42:37: When they're directed towards your children, I had a man Come to see me one time after I had preached this message
42:45: He was 65 years old and he said brother Danny. I Got saved when
42:51: I was 60 I've only been a Christian for five years. It's been the most wonderful five years of my life
42:57: He says can I tell you a little bit about my story it it really Fits your message today and I said, well sure you can
43:04: He said I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict He said I also went through a number of failed marriages with some women and I won't tell you they were all my fault
43:13: I I hurt some very nice ladies and he said
43:19: I could go on for a while, but I think you get the idea that I've pretty much had a Had a mess of a life until recently
43:27: And he said I want you to understand I don't blame anybody but myself I I made some bad decisions and some really bad choices
43:35: But then he said this he said but you know when I think back to when
43:41: I was a little boy All I can really remember my daddy's saying were things like this boy.
43:48: You can't do anything, right? Boy You're just downright dumb boy
43:58: You'll never amount to anything. He said, you know, it's kind of strange, but it's
44:06: Like I tried to grow up to be what my daddy said I would be But then he did get a smile on his face and he said but five years ago when
44:15: I trusted Jesus as my Savior I got a new father and My heavenly father loves me and he believes in me and it's a way it's an odd way of saying it
44:24: But he said my new father thinks I can do things He says, you know brother Danny it really does matter
44:31: What you believe your father both on earth and in heaven thinks about you
44:37: Parents you love your kids by blessing them rather than cursing them number nine.
44:43: You love your kids by having fun with them by having fun with them if I could boil down in just a short phrase my philosophy of parenting over the years there it is
44:54: Having fun with your kids Had a student come to see me one day when I was at Southern Seminary still He came with a big notepad
45:02: And he sat down and he said I've been told you got good kids. I said, well, they're all right They have good days bad days, but overall mom and dad are pretty happy He said well,
45:11: I want you to tell me how you did it I want you to tell me your Bible memorization plan that you made them follow I want you to tell me the books you made them read.
45:18: I want you to tell me how you structured all their days I want you to give me all and I knew I mean I started getting nervous my palms started sweating and I said whoa
45:26: Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa. Whoa, stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. I Said I hate to disappoint you but you can put up your little notepad
45:35: He said what I said you can put it up I didn't do any of that stuff and he looked at me like I was a pagan and I was the dean of the school
45:42: I mean, I was a professor but he looked at me said what do you mean? I said well, they don't misunderstand me. I said
45:48: We prayed over every meal we read the Bible we prayed at bedtime
45:55: We went to church Sunday morning and Sunday night and Wednesday nights But I said, you know as far as it like being all this really rigid rules and regulations
46:04: We didn't do any of that. We didn't do that He then said it's funny why he said it but he said, uh
46:11: You didn't let him watch TV. Did you and I said Just all the time
46:18: Well that really blessed him and so he's looking at me and I said no you need to understand something I said in fact, let me tell you something that if you'll stay with me you might figure out something here.
46:27: I said the fall Saturdays We still have the most fond memories of that with my kids growing up He said why
46:39: I said because I would get a big old glass of iced tea I'd get a pillow and a blanket and I'd get on the couch
46:47: And a few minutes later four little boys would come in with a little sip cup and a blanket and a pillow dragging it with them and they would all four lay down right there in front of that couch on the floor and We were living in Dallas at the time that the memory really is so rich and I would say from about 1130 in the morning
47:05: Till 11 o 'clock at night We would watch college football
47:13: It was glorious It was almost a spiritual experience it really was now don't push that too far
47:23: He's looking at me and I said you still don't get it. Do you he said no get it.
47:28: I said listen to me Do you think my kids only talked about football for like 12 hours and he said
47:38: Well, I said no No, oh we talked about football But you spend 12 hours with your kids every
47:45: Saturday for about 12 or 13 weeks I'll tell you something folks you talk about a lot of stuff and you see
47:52: I then said to him Here's my parental philosophy in the context of having fun. I Look for teachable moments and I believed in Deuteronomy chapter 6
48:02: When do you teach your kids when they lie down? When they get up when they walk and when they sit, which just means you teach them all the time
48:11: Not that you're cramming a Bible down their throat But you're just looking for opportunities to teach them about The Lord and again,
48:21: I recognize it is the sovereign providence and graciousness and goodness of God But all four of our boys know the
48:28: Lord All four of our boys are in seminary all four of our boys are going into ministry and you say well you want to go
48:35: Into ministry. I never one time told my boys. I wanted to go in ministry. Never I told my boys
48:40: I just want you to grow up and love the Lord Jesus and do whatever you want to do That's all I want and I did my best to help them realize you can be a
48:49: Christian and have a lot of fun What a novel idea I'll tell you what, there are a lot of Christian homes that that's the one thing they don't have
48:59: And when those kids get grown and they leave they don't want to come back Our kids love to come back because they will say our house was always a fun
49:10: Place to be so make it a fun house cut up laugh Be silly do goofy stuff do all sorts of strange things so that your kids think you know my parents
49:22: I am so glad they're mine And they're not even afraid to bring their friends to your house as well
49:29: There's the ultimate compliment. Let me move ahead very quickly number ten You love them by nudging them out of the nest
49:36: By nudging them out of this. This is the only one I've got figured out. This is the only one But it's too late, but that's why
49:43: I've got it figured out You see it hit me one day you get them for about 20 years and you
49:49: Pour your life into them so that when you're not around anymore And it's just them and the
49:56: Lord They'll be okay. There's your goal parents, right? There's the goal of parenting
50:02: Pour your life into them so that when you're not around anymore and they're now on their own and it's just them and the
50:08: Lord They will be Okay, so you've got to nudge them out of the nest.
50:14: You've got to give them responsibility You've got to give them the opportunities to skin their nose skin their elbows and make a mess every now and then
50:22: I I have a college 600 students at our college along with 2 ,000 similar students.
50:28: Do you know who are the kids that have the most difficult time? Adjusting at Southeastern Seminary, you know who they are
50:34: Now don't you get mad at me. I'm just telling you a fact homeschooled kids And I'm for I believe in homeschooling.
50:41: Okay, so let me put my cards on the table. I believe in homeschooling. Okay But the homeschoolers they struggle you say why because they've never made a decision
50:53: Mommy and daddy thought they were doing good but they were doing bad and they smothered those kids and they hopped over those you'd like like, you know, like little war eagles and Their kids never had to make a decision now.
51:05: They're out there by themselves mom and dad are not around and you know what they don't know how to make decisions and Therefore they make some bad ones some dumb ones
51:16: And so I'm a big fan of homeschooling. I'm a big fan of Christian schooling My kids went to Christian school
51:21: But I'm also a big fan of you pouring your life into your kids in such a way that they can learn to be good decision makers all by Themselves you see parents listen to me
51:33: You want your kids to develop and live by their own convictions? You say no, I want them to live by my convictions
51:40: They're not going to live by your convictions They're gonna live by theirs Now I hope that yours and theirs match up.
51:48: I really do But they're gonna live by their convictions by the things they've come to deeply believe and be committed to and again, that's only going to happen by you giving them the ability to Soar on their own and develop their own wings number 11.
52:07: You love your kids by admitting when you're wrong By admitting when you're wrong seven words that if you will put them together
52:14: Sometime can really go a long ways in restoring some broken relationship with your children.
52:19: You say what are those seven words? I Am sorry, will you forgive me?
52:26: I am sorry, did you notice what word is not in there, but Forget it
52:32: Just go ahead and just negate it. Leave it alone Don't go there because you're basically going to excuse the behavior that you engaged in that justifies an apology.
52:43: No Look your kids in the face when you blow it and say I was wrong. I am sorry.
52:49: Will you forgive me? Sometimes men will say to me well, but did
52:54: I make a mistake don't think less of me No, they think less of you because you don't They know that you make mistakes.
53:01: They know that you blow it sometimes and I've discovered this when you admit that you're wrong They don't think less of you you soar in their eyes to a height
53:10: You will never obtain by any other way because you are being honest before God and With your kids you admit when you are wrong
53:20: Number 12 and finally, we love our kids by introducing them to a perfect parent By introducing them to a perfect parent.
53:27: You say well Danny. Hold on now. I could never be a perfect parent. I know that I Don't have you in mind.
53:33: I don't have me in mind. I know we can't be perfect parents now. Listen to me We can be good parents
53:41: We can be great parents But you see I believe God made us and because of sin
53:49: We have what I call a hole in the soul Augustine said you have met us for yourselves and we can find no rest until we find our rest in thee
54:01: And so you see I believe everyone does have a great hole in the soul That can only be filled by a relationship with a perfect parent a perfect heavenly father
54:13: You say I need to tell you the rest of the stories I closed this morning about my wife Charlotte You see she did grow up in hell on earth
54:20: She was born into a mess of a family But how did she wind up being the wonderful?
54:27: Precious godly lady that she is for me for our boys and for all those that know her. I'll tell you what happened on A Sunday morning just like this one at The First Baptist Church in Fairburn, Georgia just outside of Atlanta when she was about 11 years old my wife gave her heart to the
54:48: Lord Jesus Christ and The Lord Jesus Christ gave his heart to my wife.
54:53: He became her Savior and God became her perfect heavenly father
54:59: If you were to talk to Charlotte she would say to you that when I was saved It blessed me to know that my sins were now forgiven
55:09: It blessed me to know that when I die, I'll go to heaven But she says, you know, what really blessed me the most is
55:18: The promise of the Lord's Word where he said I will never leave you or forsake you
55:25: She said that meant more to me than anything Because suddenly I had in my life a father
55:32: Perfect father That would always be there for me Would always love me would never abandon me and she said that made all the difference
55:43: That's what meant so much to me You see, I don't know where you are today. I don't know Maybe the cry of your heart is the need for forgiveness
55:53: He provides it Maybe it is that I don't know about my future and when
55:58: I die and that's just a question that plagues you He has the answer for that but maybe you've lived a broken and battered life and you hurt deeply and You wonder is there anyone is there anyone is there anyone that will never ever fail you or let you down?
56:17: Well, the answer is there is and his name is Jesus and you take him as your
56:24: Savior God becomes your father a perfect father who will never leave you who never ever will abandon you
56:33: Do you pray with me? Heavenly father and I am so grateful
56:39: I can call you my father and know that you want me to and know that that pleases you and I am so thankful That you are my perfect heavenly father who loves me with a perfect love
56:50: Who has provided a perfect atonement for my sin? Who has redeemed me from every sin that I will ever commit and who has also committed himself to me?
57:01: That I will always be there never leaving you never forsaken you always working in your life to take you where you are and Conform you and change you and transform you to make you more and more into the image of my son.
57:16: I Cannot believe that you would be a father like that to me and to all of these that are here my brothers and sisters
57:22: And yet it is so true and we praise you for it And what I just pray now that if there is even one today a little boy or a little girl a teenager or an adult
57:33: That does not know the free forgiveness made possible through the perfect atoning work of Christ That does not know you as their perfect heavenly father
57:44: It is my prayer that following this time of worship They will seek out an elder a deacon a friend and they will let us take the
57:52: Word of God and show them this day How they can call upon the name of the Lord and be saved how they can can confess with their mouth
58:00: Jesus as Lord believing in their heart that you raised him from the dead and they can be saved and in the process
58:06: To as many as received you you gave them the right to become children of God to them who believe on your name that they this day
58:14: Might come to know you as their perfect heavenly father This I ask and pray to the honor and glory of your name