Jeff Durbin: Soft and Gentle Tongues

Proverbs 15 and the Wisdom of the Tongue

If you would, please open your Bibles to Proverbs chapter 15, book of God's wisdom, Proverbs 15. We're in our series, Wisdom from Above. Proverbs chapter 15, hear now the word of the living and the true God.

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly. The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good.

A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit. Thus far as the reading of God's holy and inspired word, let's pray together as God's people. Father, thank you that you love your children.

Thank you that you're the unchanging God. Thank you that you have a love and a faithfulness that endures forever. We thank you, Father, for your mercies that are new every morning. And Lord Jesus, most of all, we thank you for your perfect life, your righteousness, your death on our behalf, your resurrection from the dead.

Lord, we trust in you. We thank you for the gift of eternal life. And God, we thank you for the gift of your word and these specific words of wisdom from you. Lord, so to guard over our mouths, may we, Lord, hate injustice and unrighteousness with our mouths.

Lord, heal our hearts, renew our minds, bless our mouths and tongues. Lord, let light shine from this body and all who hear this message that belong to you in such a way that it dispels darkness, glorifies your name.

We pray, God, that you would guide today by your spirit and your word, that it would not be the words of a mere man who's unworthy to be speaking it, but it'd be the words of your spirit, God, and the transformation would come from you.

We pray that in Jesus' name, amen. Wisdom from above. So much in this glorious book, this revelation from God has to do with the tools that God has given to us, our eyes, our tongues, our mouths, our hands, our feet.

And so much has been given in scripture regarding our mouths that really we could preach until most of us go to be taken home with the Lord of old age. We could preach on the subject of what scripture says about our mouths and our tongues, what comes out of us, the things that actually defile us.

And it's interesting because oftentimes we can think about the beginning of our relationship with God. We think about growing in the knowledge of God, the things we want to know about him, what's he like?

And so we do what we ought to do and that's study the character of God. We study his attributes. We wanna know about God. We've studied things like the Trinity, the deity of Christ, justification by faith, all very, very important things.

And you ought to know, and we ought to know what God says about those things. But this study, this study of wisdom is vital because God shows concern in scripture not only for our salvation, but our sanctification, not only about redeeming us, but actually saving the whole person, transforming us, renewing us, making us like Jesus.

And Jesus is of course God incarnate, but Jesus is also, he can be described as the embodiment of wisdom.

What is God like?

If God were among us, what would he speak like? How would he talk to others? How would he live in the world? How would he be in terms of justice? What does righteousness look like? What does wisdom look like when wisdom is incarnate and walking among us?

And so much in the book of Proverbs is about how we interact with the world with our mouths. There's stuff here about discord and slander and gossip, and so much here about how we use this tool right here in our mouths, our tongues.

The wisdom of God regarding our mouths is something that all of us have to spend more and more time studying and learning and growing and repenting of, confessing, acknowledging before God. Scripture here says, a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Here it is, the tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly, foolishness. It's gushing out of them. See again, the eyes, the tongue, the mouth, the hands, the feet. Scripture talks about our eyes as the tool, the tongue here as the tool, the tongue of the wise commends knowledge, the mouth here again in verse two, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.

Scripture talks about our hands sinning. Jesus says it, right? He says, if your eye caused you to sin, do what with it? Pluck it out, cast it from you. If your hand caused you to sin, what do you do with it?

Cut it off and cast it from you. Not literally, we know that those things aren't actually the source or the cause of the sin, but it's deeper within us. And of course we have that famous verse in Romans about our feet.

Their feet are swift to do what? Shed blood. So scripture talks about these things with our bodies as tools. And we need to consider, as you look at a passage like this, you need to dig deep and consider what is my mouth like?

What is my tongue like?

It's a tool.

And I was reflecting on this as I was preparing for a meditating on this passage and asking God to please bless his sheep here at Apologia with something that would transform us. I was thinking about this issue of the tool and I was thinking this may be the way, I hope it's the way it is in your own house, men.

I was thinking about my family. My children have been raised around weapons. And of course you have the standard martial arts weapons in my home. You've got what I used in competition and Ninja Turtles and the bow staff.

And those things don't seem overly threatening, but trust me, they are. My kids have, my little boys, I've given nunchucks to as soon as they can hold it in their hands and spin it around. And they've hit themselves in the head more times than they've been effective with it, but that's how you learn to do the nunchucks.

And so my kids have been around martial arts tools, those kinds of things, scythes, broad swords, katana blades, those things. But also I think really today, the ultimate tool, my children and my family has been raised around guns.

Guns, tools.

And I've taught my children, and I hope you have too, to respect this tool and to, in some sense, be kind of terrified of it. As young as I can start introducing them to the weapon, to the tool, I try to convince them to be afraid to touch this thing, to understand that this thing is a blessing in a certain context.

It is a gift in a certain context. It is something that can actually save in a certain context. It is something that can feed and provide for you in a certain context, but it is also a deadly, deadly, dangerous, dangerous tool.

And so I've trained my children to respect it. And I think, and you probably have experienced this when you teach your children to shoot a weapon. It's one of the great experiences I have to settle my own heart as a father that they're gonna understand this thing is actually scary.

I remember the first time I took my first son, Sage, to go shoot at a shooting range, the fear in his eyes when he pulled the trigger for the first time, the shock to his system when he pulled the trigger for the very first time.

I'll never forget that moment, that has burned into my memory as I was watching him pull the trigger and the loud noise and the gun popping back, the fear in his eyes. His hands were shaking. He immediately respected this tool and understood it as something that, of course, is a good tool, can be used for good, but it is terrifying.

This thing can cause damage. It can kill, it can maim. So raising our children to see this tool as something that is a tool to save, it is a tool to literally destroy, it is a tool that actually can provide.

I was also reflecting on my granddaughter, Eve. She's so sweet, this little, sweet, tiny, little, dainty, little, red-headed, beautiful girl. So much energy, reminds me so much of her mother. It's like a repeat, it's like deja vu looking at her running around the house.

She's so sweet.

So I'm coming into the kitchen one day and as I'm walking into the kitchen, this tiny, little, I think maybe three-year-old girl comes running out of the kitchen, turns the corner super fast, running out of the kitchen with a massive, sharp butcher knife, running around it like with this, out, like this, turned the corner, almost pierced me, right?

Now, the interesting thing about that is that I, of course, beat her. No, I'm just joking, that didn't happen, okay? The situation you're in like that is you want to get down to their level and explain to them, this thing is so dangerous.

It will harm you, this will cut you, this will make you bleed. But I understand how she viewed it. It's a tool that was a blessing to her for whatever she was trying to cut in the next room. She realized, I can't tear this apart, what will work?

Oh, this sharp instrument will be a blessing. I will accomplish all that I want. She didn't see the terrifying nature of the tool and so she just ran around the house wielding it. And so, of course, when I said to her, Eve, you can't just run around with that.

You have to respect that tool as something that, yes, is a blessing, but it is also devastating, it can, devastating. You have to acknowledge its danger and that's what we teach our children when it comes to certain tools, whether it's a gun, a firearm, or if it's a pair of scissors, or if it's a knife, a butcher knife, we teach our children to acknowledge the potential danger of the tool itself.

The tool is and can be dangerous and I think if we're gonna grow in our wisdom as God's people, as people who have been saved by Christ, we need to take more seriously our mouths and our tongues. You consider passages in Proverbs over and over again warning us about the danger of our mouths, the danger of our tongues.

We need, I believe, looking through the lens of scripture to view our own mouths and tongues in the same way that we view that butcher knife from the drawer and I think oftentimes we do not act like that as God's people.

You can see it in our basic conversation, in our speech, in our small huddles with other believers where nobody else really is watching how quick we are to say horrible things with our mouths, how we have sharp tongues, or I think even more obvious you can see is on social media today.

Oftentimes we act on social media like what we do with our fingers and what we say and the social media atmosphere has no real consequences. We can be abusive, we can run around like fools. We can be people on social media who act like we have all this theological understanding.

We know things about God, we can instruct others. We understand this book or elements of this book but it's what we do and say that pours forth from our hearts and our mouths and ultimately our fingertips that demonstrates whether or not we are really wise people if we actually know God.

You wanna show me the depth of your love for God and your understanding about God? You wanna show me how holy you actually are and how righteous you are? Show me with your mouth. Show me with consistency with your tongue.

Scripture is constantly pointing us to this and just to demonstrate this as a consistent theme and pattern throughout the scriptures, go to your Bibles to Matthew chapter 15. Here's the Lord Jesus. Matthew chapter 15, one of my favorite passages, so much can be said about it.

This is that well-known section where Jesus is confronting the religious leaders of his day who are setting up standards, man-made traditions that conflict with God's own law. They're hypocrites and God here, Jesus, confronts their hypocrisy and shows them that actually it is your tradition that is making void the very word of God.

So there's the context but in Matthew chapter 15 in verse 10, after that scene where Jesus confronts them over their man-made tradition, the text says, and he called the people to him and said to them, hear and understand.

It is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person but what comes out of the mouth, this defiles a person. Then the disciples came and said to him, do you know that the Pharisees were offended when they heard this saying?

Note that by the way, Jesus says something that is harsh, strong, that offends, that's not sinful. He answered, every plant that my heavenly father has not planted will be rooted up. Let them alone, they are blind guides.

And if the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a pit. But Peter said to him, explain the parable to us. And he said, are you also still without understanding? Do you not see that whatever goes into the mouth passes into the stomach and is expelled?

But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile anyone.

In other words, your religious externals are not impressive to God. It's not even real. You can toss it all out. For the Lord Jesus, he demonstrates that God actually cares about real righteousness, real holiness, real justice, real love for neighbor.

And Jesus is confronting the fact that they wanna look all right on the outside. And Jesus is saying, no, the sin is inside you. This is where it begins. And then it comes out of you, pouring forth from what?

A sick heart. This is where it begins. And so of course, as believers, as we reflect on God's wisdom about our mouths and our tongues, we have to consider, okay, first, what's the root cause? It's my heart that is broken.

It's my heart that is off. It is my heart that I have to deal with that internal sin within me. Confess it, confront it, put it to death. If that sin is dealt with internally, then the mouth has nothing to pour forth.

And so Jesus is showing us what real wisdom looks like. It looks like dealing with what's inside of you, because what's inside of you ultimately comes out of you. It pours out of you. Jesus is telling us that it is what comes out of the mouth that defiles the person.

Such a serious sin, our mouths, or what comes from our mouths and our tongues, we need to pray what the psalmist prays. Go to Psalm 141, verse three. Psalm 141, verse three. Let this be one of our life verses.

Psalm 141, verse three. Text says, set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth. Keep watch over the door of my lips. Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth. Keep watch over the door of my lips. Your mouth and my mouth will set the world on fire.

It's gonna bless, it's gonna heal, or it's gonna wound and destroy. So Lord, set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth. Keep a watch over the door over my lips. And of course, again, to demonstrate this is thematic.

It is something that God is constantly impressing upon us in his word, our mouths, our tongues. Guard my mouth, James chapter three. Go there, if you don't know this passage, get to know it. It's very convicting, very challenging.

I think any of us can recognize at some point or another, we fail in this area of our mouths and tongues and let this be a place that we are anchored to deal with our own sin and to take this tool so seriously.

James chapter three, starting at verse two. After warning about not many becoming teachers, it says, for we all stumble in many ways.

Amen.

And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well.

Small bit, guide the horse. Look at the ships also. Though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder, wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.

How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire and the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. Now you can feel the weight of that in the last couple of weeks, right? I mean, just the tremendous gift of social media and this technology, it can be used for, it's again, it's a tool that can be used for good things, it can be used for bad things.

In a sinful world, it goes both ways. But one of the benefits is to see the fires that broke out in California and to watch people live streaming it and to see it all take place right in front of you live from all parts of the world, you're watching what's taking place.

I saw a video come up this week and it was a family that turned their camera on and just ran out their front door and all they were saying was, oh no, oh no, oh no. They were saying, please God, Jesus, help us.

And it was interesting because it was right out their front door and you didn't see any fire. There was really nothing, no smoke, no fire, no nothing. But just off in the distance, maybe two or three miles away, don't know exactly because it's on video, two or three miles away, you saw just this little fire beginning kind of on a mountain, not far away, but they knew what that meant.

That little fire was gonna set ablaze everything around them. Nothing could stop this thing. And so as the time progresses in this video, you see it go from this little tiny fire off in the distance to you see these little specks, little hot specks floating around the neighborhood and those teeny tiny little hot specks start to set the entire neighborhood ablaze.

And then of course you all know the result of all of that is so many lives have been devastated and so many homes have been absolutely destroyed. It looks apocalyptic, but what was it from? Such a small thing, such a small fire and the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness.

The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird of reptile and sea creature can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue.

It is a restless, evil, full of deadly poison. And here it is, the two lanes, right? With it we bless our Lord and father and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth, come forth, come blessing and cursing.

My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening, both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.

Who is wise and understanding among you? Here it is, who's wise? Not who's theologically the best, who knows the most things. Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct, let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom, of wisdom.

Scripture confronts us at every turn regarding our mouths and our tongues. One final verse from the New Testament, go to Colossians chapter four. Colossians chapter four, you've heard this before, but here's a New Testament verse that sounds just like Proverbs 15 one.

Proverbs 15 one, this is Colossians four. Starting with verse five, here it is. Watch the word again. Walk in what? Walk in what? Wisdom, we need to be wise people, brothers and sisters. Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time.

Let your speech always, let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt so that you may know how you ought to answer each person. Again, this is just on repeat over and over and over again, God concerned with not just our theological knowledge, not just how we can talk about God, but how you live matters to God.

And that's what's so glorious about the life of the Lord Jesus. When you read those narratives, you're reading someone that is not just giving you theological knowledge. He's not just speaking in abstractions.

He's actually demonstrating to you what wisdom is like. What is the image of God supposed to be like? How do we reflect the glory and the righteousness and the character of God? But here is the challenge.

Are you ready?

Proverbs 15 verse one. The text says, a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Here's the problem.

It's the problem of imbalance. It's the problem of not recognizing categories. Oftentimes you might have a believer who loves the Lord, wants to obey his word. They see the text before them, a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

And so they say, okay, here's what I need to be like. I need to always have the soft answers. I can never speak a harsh word. And so they try to put a big smile on their face to lower the tone constantly.

Big smile, bright eyes, and always speak to people in a soft, soft way.

Why?

Because a soft answer turns away wrath. There's the biblical principle. And the answer is absolutely yes, but there's a problem of imbalance. Because if you take a text like this to mean that as a Christian, you can never confront evil in a harsh way, that you can never speak hard words or serrated edges, you can never let that come forth from your mouth, then what's gonna happen is you're gonna end up creating a standard that makes God and his righteous prophets looking like they are sinning.

It's the problem of imbalance. When I think about this problem of imbalance, I'm remembering a story that's something that happened to me while I was in Nashville. I believe we were in Nashville for the vote when they were, the Southern Baptist Convention was voting on the issue of abolition for the Southern Baptist Convention.

And so I was there for the vote and to support the guys that were there that got this thing in. And so I remember I was walking into the convention center, ginormous place. It must've been 20, 30 ,000 people there in attendance.

So people are everywhere. And so I'm on the street about to walk in, and this gentleman walks up to me and says,.

Pastor Jeff. I said, yes. And he said, hey,.

I really wanna thank you for your ministry. It's been a blessing to me to see all the evangelism. It's been an encouragement. I said, oh, praise the Lord. I'm glad God's using it in your life. I'm so thankful that he's using it.

And he goes, but I got a bone to pick with you. And I'm like, oh boy, I just wanted to go to the conference. You got a bone to pick with you. By the way, it's something that don't happen. I got a bone to pick with you.

And this is the most common. People will walk up and say, Pastor Jeff, just a 30 second question.

Liar.

There are no 30 second questions, right? It doesn't add. So when people say that, I just go, mm-hmm, yeah.

But he walks in and he says,.

I got a bone to pick with you. I said, okay, all right, that's fine. What is it? He says, I got a problem with you and your cigars and your drinking. To which I say, I don't even like cigars. I can't even remember the last time I actually smoked a cigar.

They make your mouth taste like an ashtray for two days. But I have been known to have one to celebrate on occasion. So he was like, you're abusing cigars. I was like, when's the last time I had a cigar?

He was like, well, I don't know, but I've heard you smoke them sometimes.

Okay.

But it's the drinking thing. I said, well, do you know where Apologia Church started? Oh, no. Do you know how this church came to be?

No.

Do you realize that it was because I was the chaplain at a drug and alcohol rehab facility and the church began because people were getting freed from drunkenness and addiction to drugs and all the rest that they came to Christ out of that.

And that's where it came from. And I'm the pastor over that. And he was like, well, no, I didn't know that, but I don't like the fact that you would say that drinking is not a sin. And so I said, okay, let's test this.

I said, is drunkenness a sin?

He says, yes.

I said, I agree with you. I said, I would go so far as to say that drunkenness is a wicked sin that will send you to hell forever.

Agreed?

He said, yes.

I said, okay. I said, is drinking a sin? Is alcohol a sin? And he was like, well, yeah, I think so. I said, so what you've done, I wanna encourage you to see this, is because you've set up an unbiblical standard that is imbalanced, you are making scripture look like it contradicts itself and you're making God look like he is sinning.

It's the problem of imbalance. And what do I mean by that? What I tried to demonstrate to him is that while scripture says that drunkenness is a sin and it is a sin, it is a sin we will all confront, amen?

Well, two of you said yes, guys. Okay, we need to change the nature of the sermon today. We're gonna go somewhere else. Okay, drunkenness is a sin that will send you to hell, amen? It is a sin that we will always confront, amen?

Does scripture talk about it that way? Yes, however, if we're imbalanced and we look at a text that calls drunkenness a sin and a sin that will send you to hell, and we set up a standard that says a Christian should never drink, we're gonna have a heck of a time dealing with scripture like for example, one of the many places where Jesus in his first public miracle turns water into what?

And it was not grape juice. It was wine. That was what surprised them at the wedding was that Jesus made some delicious high alcohol content wine at a wedding celebration. So if we say, well, because drunkenness is a sin and people abuse alcohol, therefore Christians cannot drink alcohol because it is a sin, then we're gonna make Jesus look like he's sinning in his first public miracle doing what?

Turning water into alcoholic wine at a wedding to celebrate. More, we're gonna have a problem with all the texts in scripture that speak glowingly about wine as a blessing, as a gift from God. And we're gonna have a worst time dealing with the text like go to Deuteronomy chapter 14.

This on the subject of imbalance. In Deuteronomy chapter 14, and here's what I brought to this gentleman. Starting in verse 22, look what God says here in his law. You shall tithe all the yield of your seed that comes from the field year by year.

And before the Lord your God and the place that he will choose to make his name dwell there, you shall eat of the tithe of your grain, of your wine, of your oil, and the firstborn of your herd and the flock that you may learn to fear the Lord your God always.

And if the way is too long for you so that you are not able to carry the tithe when the Lord your God blesses you because the place is too far from you, which the Lord your God chooses to set his name there, then you shall turn it into money and bind up the money in your hand and go to the place that the Lord your God chooses and spend the money for whatever you desire, oxen or sheep or wine or strong drink, whatever your appetite craves and you shall eat there before the Lord your God and rejoice you and your household.

Here is God calling his people to come to this celebration and to worship. And he's like, you know, if you got your wine and the place is too far away and you can't carry it, you know, sell that stuff, turn it into money.

And then when you get to the place of the celebration and this worship, there you can buy anything you want to celebrate, whether it's the sheep, whether it's the wine or the strong drink, and then worship God.

Here is God calling his people to worship him. And in this celebration, even saying and celebrate with wine or strong drink. And so here's the issue, the problem of imbalance. When you're reading the scriptures, somebody could say, well, alcohol is used sinfully.

So therefore no one can have alcohol. Or if you drink alcohol, you're in sin. That's gonna be a problem for us every communion.

Amen.

And then somebody says, this happens regularly. Pastor Jeff, I was visiting the church and I came up and I took communion. And to my shock, to my shock, you guys put alcoholic wine in there.

Why?

And my short answer is because Jesus told me to. It was Jesus, not Pastor James or Pastor Jeff, that told us how to do this. And he put wine on the table. And he put wine on the table for a reason. And so that's why we have wine.

And you're like, well, I just don't know. I mean, this is, I don't know what this is gonna do to me. I had a thimble of wine. I don't know. I don't know how I'm gonna react or, I don't know if I'm gonna get crazy tonight.

I'm like, if you think that this thimble of wine is gonna cause you problems, you got bigger problems, my friends. And the kids love it. Amen, kids? They're like, every Sunday we have a different wine.

The kids walk by like, Pastor Jeff, good one this weekend. This one had good legs. That's never really happened. My point is, is the imbalance in the Christian life. You can read a text in scripture, you have to read it in its right category.

Wine is a blessing, alcohol is a blessing. It is also used in a sinful way. You can't then set up a standard that begins to make God look like he is sinning. If your standard and your piety makes God look like he's sinning, it is your standard that is wrong.

It is your standard that is wrong, amen? Now, I need to lay that down, and here's why. Because we have to recognize as we're studying God's wisdom and saying, how do we use these tools in a way that blesses and in a way that heals and in a way that is just, we have to recognize you look at a principle like Proverbs chapter 15, verse one, a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

We can't then say that there is never a place for a hard word. There's never a place for a cutting word. Otherwise, we're gonna set up a standard that makes God look like he is sinning. So we need to think in biblically balanced categories.

Proverbs 15, one says, a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. When you think in categories, biblical categories, think about Jesus in Matthew chapter 23. Just go there quickly.

Here's the embodiment, the embodiment of wisdom, how we should speak, how we should react to evil, how we should confront evil. And here's why I'm bringing this up as you get there. You have a lot of evangelism pastors in the West that will not simply speak sharply against evil.

They will not condemn evil. They will not be prophetic against evil because it's imbalanced. Say, well, I wanna speak with seasoned with salt. I wanna speak with grace. I wanna do this. And sometimes to be wisdom in this world as an image bearer of God, you need to speak like Jesus.

Matthew 23, 13, but woe to you.