TLP 51: How to Rightly Debate Your Child

I don't think this is a question about whether or not to debate and if you're a parent you almost can't stop the debates from coming unless you're just going to be an all-out dictator parent.

The Value of Debate in Parenting

Welcome to Truth. Love. Parents. Where we use God's Word to become intentional premeditated parents. Here's your host A .M. Brewster. I imagine the title of today's episode reminded.

You of some very trying and uncomfortable situations with your children. I don't know that most people view debating with anyone as being very positive, let alone debating their own children. But I hope that today you'll have a better understanding and new appreciation for the process that glorifies God.

As always, we're going to look at some biblical principles, but we're also going to freshen up on our ancient battle tactics today. Have you ever read The Art of War by Sun Tzu? There's some amazing stuff in there, but you'll never guess what I found that will help us parent better.

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Defining Debate and Distinguishing It from Sinful Argument

Okay, so what does an ancient book on battle tactics have to say about our parenting? Let's first start with a definition. Merriam-Webster defines debating as a contention by words or arguments. And though that may sound a negative, secondly, we need to acknowledge that not all debates are wrong.

The word contention can mean a sinful, contradictory person, but it can also refer to two just differing opinions. Listen, I like green, you might like blue or pink or chartreuse. I don't know, but for us to have a disagreement or a debate or just a conversation, you know, where we share our contradictory opinions on our favorite colors, that's not necessarily going to be a problem.

You know, we have to do it the right way, but the fact that we're differing with each other isn't an issue. In fact, you know, we encourage our high schoolers to sign up for debate. We want to hear our political candidates do it, and it's really very enjoyable in academic subjects that we can, that catch our interest.

And lots of people like debates where they have two sports enthusiasts who are going back and forth about what they think is the most important part of the game. Did you ever see the Bill Nye, Ken Ham debate?

That was wonderful. But the only issue we really have with debating, I think, is that our pride hates to be contradicted. It's true that what should be a pleasant debate can quickly turn into an argument that exits the communication house that we discussed in episode 38.

But just because people use them the wrong way or participate in them sinfully does not automatically mean all debates are sinful. Jesus himself frequently entered into conversations where differing opinions struggled and where people walked away still in disagreement.

That one observation teaches us two things. First of all, there are righteous ways to debate, and two, just because the other person isn't swayed to our side after the final rebuttal doesn't make the process invaluable.

Because if you believe all debates are wrong or pointless, well, God disagrees with you. You can have two people who disagree and appoint debate, truthfully and lovingly and for God's glory. Growing up, my family and I loved a good disagreement.

We would actually enjoy stretching our brains to consider different sides of certain topics. In fact, I have a friend whose family would actually pick topics, debate them, and then switch sides and debate them again.

The Communication House: Truth, Love, and Motive

So, how would a parent accomplish this with their child? Well, you need to make certain your heart is right. Remove the pride and remember, like we talked about last time, there is real value in a disagreeing child.

If you can make certain that you and your child stay in the communication house, any discussion can be a redemptive one. So, I don't think this is really a question about whether or not to debate. If you're a parent, you almost can't stop the debates from coming unless you're just going to be an all-out dictator parent, and I don't suggest that.

However, if more Christians knew how to discuss controversial matters in a biblical way, I believe we'd see a huge topographical shift in the debating landscape of our homes. More truth would be disseminated, fewer misunderstandings would arise, and more families would have the opportunity to respond correctly to that truth.

And this applies to more than just, obviously, your family. If that new idea of family talk doesn't excite you, you need to grasp your role as a parent and a follower of Christ. No one ever promised that the preacher of the gospel wouldn't meet confrontation, or that people wouldn't argue with him.

In fact, it was pretty much guaranteed that the opposite would occur. So, we must know how to handle debates. By the way, everything I'm about to share applies to simply answering your kids' questions as well.

It may not be a full-on debate, but how we answer their dilemmas requires the same handling. Principally speaking, the Bible has much to say about the makeup of our discourse, which, you know, is supposed to be truth, the method of our discourse, which is how we communicate, and the motivation of our discourse, which is our philosophy, our worldview.

Simply put, the communication house says we're to share God's truth, which is the makeup, with God's love, the method, for God's reasons, which is our motivation. So, here's a basic framework for any discussion that will guarantee that even if you're disagreeing, God will be pleased with the conversation.

First of all, the makeup of our debates. We're never allowed to debate using lies, fallacious reasoning, or sinful philosophy. Therefore, if my child were trying to persuade me that homosexuality isn't a sin, it's just not a debatable topic.

No one in our home is allowed to deliberately disagree with God and argue against Him. Those conversations are right off the table. However, I might look at it differently if a child were just coming and asking questions like, is it a sin?

Or, why is it a sin? I would definitely handle that discussion differently than I would a child coming to me trying to argue for the fact that it's not. Number two, the method of our debates. We're never allowed to speak God's truth in an unloving way.

Angry, unkind words undermine the power of the Bible. Disrespect, pride, ungratefulness, and sinful anger mean we've stepped outside the communication house and must not continue until we're back in the house.

And three, the motivation for our debates. We're never allowed to baptize our arguments in quote-unquote love in order to manipulate people to get what we want. If I'm not genuinely speaking biblical truth to accomplish God's purposes, then it doesn't matter how syrupy sweet I sound.

I'm not really being loving. I need to want God's best interest for my opponents. For example, if I don't want my child to hold the remote because I'm a control freak and don't feel right not holding it, even though I don't plan on doing anything with it once I get it, and my child respectfully asks if she can retain it, I'd better not try to spiritualize my selfishness.

Sun Tzu's Battle Principles Applied to Family Debate

Of course, you know, this discussion really could be over at this point because God always has the final word. However, I was recently doing some study on a particularly enjoyable piece of literature called The Art of War, which I've read many times, when this particular time I tripped upon a wonderful discovery.

Traditionally, we accept that a great general named Sun Tzu wrote his 13 chapters as a treatise on war and then spent the rest of his life proving just how right he was in his conclusions. If you've never read it, there's some fantastic information just with a quiver full of applications to a variety of fields.

But recently, one particular passage stuck out to me with the realization that if families debated conflicting ideas, like Sun Tzu approached a vicious army of invading ruffians, it would afford us a greater opportunity to make sure the makeup of our debates, method of our debates, and motivation for our debates were Christ-honoring.

This is the passage from Sun Tzu that I was talking about. Quote, it is the rule in war if our forces are ten to the enemy's one to surround him, if five to one to attack him, if twice as numerous to divide our army into two, if equally matched we can offer battle, if slightly inferior in numbers we can avoid the enemy, if quite unequal in every way we can flee from him.

Hence, though an obstinate fight may be made by a small force, in the end it must be captured by the larger force. Unquote. This is a goldmine of wisdom, and let me illustrate how these truths should guide our family debates by working backward through them.

When a Parent Should Refuse the Debate

So, number one, this is unfortunately kind of a sad one to discuss, but in my family counseling I've seen it happen all too often. If the parent is incredibly inferior to his child in that a, he's not prepared to argue using God's truth, b, cannot open his mouth without being caustic and unkind, c, becomes defensive at the hint of a disagreement, or d, manifests any number of other sinful character traits like impatience or arrogance or whatever, he must not only avoid the debate but just refuse to engage lest he hurt the cause of Christ in his family.

If you can't stay in the house, you don't have the conversation. Now, the military illustration here that Sun Tzu has given us, in a modern concept anyway, is that a soldier who turns his gun on fellow soldiers is to be immediately pulled from the front and thrown into prison, whether that person is the child or the parent.

And so, a real-world illustration might be this. A mean-spirited parent who possesses nothing but proof texts, a slew of boilerplate cliches, and slanderous jabs should never engage in any discussion, ever, let alone claim to be an ambassador parent.

Sinful, manipulative, emotional, illogical propaganda techniques are their only line of defense. A Westboro church's handling of the homosexuality debate is a perfectly horrible example of this. Their entire arsenal is emotionally charged, truth-devoid propaganda.

So, a person who just cannot seem to debate without running out of the communication house, parent or child, likely really just may need to embrace the love of Christ and salvation, and until then should cease pretending to be a representative of God.

1 John tells us, quote, "...we know that we have passed out of death into life because we love the brethren. He who does not love abides in death. Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him.

We know love by this, that he lay down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.". Unquote. Debaters like this are also only going to hurt themselves and others. 2 Peter makes it clear that some things in the Bible are hard to understand, which the untaught and unstable distort, as they do also the rest of the scriptures, to their own destruction.

Born-again Christians don't deliberately distort God's Word, and we don't want to muddy our children's understanding of it. The second type of debate is if the parent is inferior in his ability to rightly divide the word of truth and or inferior to his child's ability to logically and respectfully prove his arguments, he should either rally more help to his side or avoid getting into such debates, period.

When a Parent Needs More Skill or Counsel

This type of thing happens all the time, unfortunately. Again, I've counseled numerous families whose children love to talk and have and share minds, but mom or dad never grew up that way, and they just have a hard time answering the child's objections without getting frustrated.

The military illustration here would be of a soldier who can't fire a gun at all. They're really not going to be any help in battle and should probably be put on kitchen patrol. Unfortunately, parents who debate like this often make up the lukewarm pew-sitting contingent of Christianity.

When asked by their children what's wrong with homosexuality, they know that they've heard that being gay is a sin, but they're not sure who said it, and to be honest, the only arguing they do is often motivated by selfishness and annoyance.

They'd have just as much success debating homosexuality as they would trying to persuade their kid that they should hold the remote. Propaganda techniques are occasionally used because this parent lacks substantial evidence and practice presenting it.

Now, we need to remember pride is the great blinder of men. It persuades the unskilled to create and the unlearned to teach, but parents who do this do so to their and their children's detriment. This parent should take seriously the command from 2 Timothy 2 15, be diligent to present yourselves approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth.

This is not an option, folks. This is a calling. Number three, if the parent is equally matched with his child's question, he must first reconsider his thesis. Assuming his motivation is the glory of God and his thesis is in line with the Bible, and assuming his rhetorical abilities are on par with his child, this parent should potentially offer a debate, but never just plunge forward assuming the victory is his, and if he should meet an argument he cannot answer, he must graciously admit he doesn't know and politely request the opportunity to do more research.

This is like a soldier who has just as much a potential of shooting an enemy as the enemy has of shooting him. He has value in a fight, but not that much. We don't want to lose one soldier for every soldier the enemy loses.

I thank God for the segment of parents who are current enough with biblical and social issues that they can speak with equal and opposite professionalism. These parents represent truth well when fiction is presented, they respond graciously when attacked with vitriol, and overall they handle logical argumentation well enough that they don't ever reach for the weapon of propaganda.

Sometimes the best thing you can do when your child possesses a point of view you disagree with, but are uncertain where the Bible addresses it, is just to say, you know, I believe God has something to say about that, but I'm not sure where to find it.

I think we should both take some time to study the biblical principles that apply to your idea. It takes much wisdom to know the difference between, do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will also be like and answer a fool as his folly deserves, that he will not be wise in his own eyes.

Which comes from Proverbs 26, 4 -5. This intelligent, God-loving parent may still easily stoop to using dishonorable propaganda if he is not wise enough to know not to answer the fool according to his folly.

In such a case, Proverbs 11, 14 says, in abundance of counselors there is victory. Learn from those who are highly skilled in counsel and debate. Four, if the parent is twice as skilled as his child in validity of content and mastery of language, he should exercise his rhetorical devices to divide the opponent's arguments with truth.

When a Parent Is Better Equipped to Answer

These scenarios often occur when the parent is debating a lie veiled in truth. This isn't to say that our children are directly attacking God's Word, but that they're legitimately confused because they think their failure philosophy is, in fact, biblical.

To show the error of this truth lie, the parent must be able to at least be as twice as skilled as his child. The military illustration is this. This is like the difference between a sniper and the common soldier.

The sniper has tremendous value in a conflict. Let's use an example like this. You've done a thorough job of explaining to your child why she needs to spend less time with a certain boy at school, but she respectfully asks you to reconsider and submits the idea that the more time she spends with the boy, the better chances he has of seeing Christ in her.

If we shut the conversation down with, you're going to do what I said, you understand? Wow, have we failed? Assuming our daughter has presented a thoughtful idea, immature though it may be, there is great value in exploring it.

As we discussed last time, it shows that she's thinking, she feels comfortable enough to be honest and trust us to interact with her, and she's revealing vital information about how she thinks and what she believes is important.

So, if you're in a position to accurately and deftly show her from the Bible the principles and commands that will help her respond maturely to this dilemma, you will have done her a fantastic service because you'll answer her question, answer it biblically, and model for her how mature Christians think and grapple with difficult situations.

Abiding on this plateau of debate, though, requires continued study and humility. This Christian parent must never falter in his attention to God's Word, though it helps to be aware of the world's arguments.

All it takes to refute them is apt knowledge of Christ, and humility is the character trait that will keep the parent immersed in God's Word and protect her from being overconfident or arrogant in light of her ability to, quote, divide her child's arguments.

The Need for Knowledge, Humility, and Love

Number five, if the parent is five times more skilled, his argument should make short order of his child's simply by sharing God's irrefutable truth in a logical way. At this point, our military metaphor must just simply change.

We're no longer comparing average foot soldiers. If you're five times more adept at taking God's Word and applying it to a disagreement, then we see the difference between a squadron of tanks against a single insurgent.

The world does an amazing job indoctrinating the masses in their failure philosophies through every medium it has. Your immature children will be, at one point or another, partially or temporarily swayed by the world's arguments.

Let's use a little bit more difficult situation. Let's say your child has always believed that homosexuality is a sin, but in a conversation with a self-proclaimed lesbian at school, she's introduced to the quote-unquote fact that the original Greek of the New Testament was mistranslated in our modern English Bibles.

This girl has also seemingly been able to work around every Old Testament condemnation of homosexuality because those who reject the LGTB lifestyle do so wearing mixed fabrics while eating ham sandwiches.

So, your daughter asks the question or respectfully challenges what she's been taught. The mature parents who is versed in the Bible and the world's propaganda, and this is the difference between this parent and the last parent.

The last parent knew God's Word, but didn't always know everything about how the world argued. This particular parent, though, is pretty well versed in the world's propaganda. They will never stumble when presented with such quote-unquote arguments because they've studied to show themselves approved unto God and workmen that needs not to be ashamed because they know how to rightly divide the word of truth.

And in the end, your daughter will know that she's conversed with a parent who loves their God and their children, just like the Bible says. The ability to quickly dispense with a foolish argument often leads to a dominating unloving spirit, so we need to be careful.

This parent must always temper his knowledge with love because 1 Corinthians 8 .1 says, knowledge makes arrogant, but love edifies. And lastly, if the parent is 10 times more skilled in truth and communication, and you know what?

I think too many of us parents think that's the way it is. Even when we're dealing with our twos and three-year-olds and four-year-olds, you know, we get the impression that I just, I really got this.

And sometimes we do, but sometimes we don't. However, if the parent truly is that much more skilled, he possesses a greater knowledge and handling of God's Word that only comes through intense study and devotion to God.

This parent will be able to cogently debate the topic with sincerity and depth that not only proves difficult to counter, but also shows deep love and respect for his child. This parent is the proverbial atomic bomb to errant thought.

But don't forget that this military illustration is given to demonstrate the incongruity of ability, not the devastation of relationships. The Bible is prodigiously clear that addiction and any substance that harms the body is a sin, but it's also clear that God is not willing that anyone should perish, but that all should come to repentance.

In a debate with the average high schooler concerning the recreational use of marijuana, a well-studied, approved parent will arm himself with truth, use logic and reasoning with abandon, be apt to teach, and make his arguments with a goal that the Lord may be glorified.

But he will also care for his child with the love of Christ. Hearing a child argue for marijuana use would scare many parents to death, but when you react in fear, you're not trusting God, and your makeup, method, and motivation will likely fail you.

Instead, the Christ-honoring parent's entire debate will be grounded on the premise that the child standing before him is either lost or out of fellowship with his God, or maybe they're just immature and they're confused.

His child will represent a broken human fighting a losing and devastating battle with the God of the universe, or one who's just not really certain what his relationship with God should look like. And the parent's compassion and love will guide his presentation of truth so that the child will never once feel hatred or disrespect.

Instead, he will see a human ambassador of Jesus Christ. Now, in order to really be this type of parent, this ambassador of God must continually return to Ephesians 3, 14 through 19. There we learn why we're even here.

Understanding the truth therein is to understand your calling. This ambassador parent of the most high will live a consistent life of love and truth which will be fleshed out in the home, at work, on Facebook, in church, at school, at the movies, and in all the world.

Go, therefore, and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you. And lo, I am with you always, even until the end of the age.

That's what oftentimes we call the Great Commission from Matthew 27. Listen, debating is an art, but it's also a command. We must present Christ and be able to to everyone who asks. Just do it the right way.

Closing Exhortation and Episode Wrap-Up

Today's free PDF episode notes are available at evermindministries .com. We discussed a lot of stuff today, so it may be helpful to have them for future reference. On our next episode, I hope to introduce you to the single best parenting book that I have ever read.

I'm in the process of writing my first parenting book about God's cure for family strife, but until then, you're just going to need to read something else. Honestly, though, please join us to learn about this amazing tool for Christ-honoring parenting.

And if you haven't done it already, please subscribe on iTunes and check out our Patreon page to learn more about the books I'm working on and the future of TLP. Just click on the Support TLP link in the description.

I know that every time your child presents a conflicting concept, it can be intimidating. Whether or not you engage in that debate or attempt to answer that question is directly tied to your love for our God and your understanding of His truth.

The best thing you can do to be ready for any question of debate is just to dig into God's Word. Happy.

Debating! Truth. Love. Parent. is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent. Join us next time as we search God's Word for the truth your family needs today.