Testimony: Deborah Autry | Supporter Appreciation Episode

Media Gratiae

Subscribe

Download

Share

00

00:10

Welcome back to the Behold Your God podcast. I'm Jon Snyder, author of the Behold Your God study and a pastor at Christ Church in New Albany, Mississippi.

00:19

And we're continuing our short series on evangelism, but these episodes that we're doing now, we're looking at some examples of the way that God works in the life through testimony.

00:31

So we're getting to hear from the folks that God has changed from their own lips, how the things that we talked about in the podcast, the way that God works in the heart, the way

00:40

He strips away what we think makes us so important and so righteous. And when we're empty and we come to Him, we find everything we need has always been in Christ and how

00:52

God is so kind to meet us and to save us when we hit bottom.

01:00

So tonight we have Deborah Autry, and Deborah has been in the church from the earliest days of the church we met in your living room.

01:08

And Deborah was a little skeptical at that point, setting out a few chairs, and then we would set out a little more. And you could tell that Deborah wasn't sure that we actually needed many chairs.

01:17

And Deborah was very faithful with her husband, who is now with the Lord, who was co -pastor with me and very faithful.

01:26

And Deborah was one of the first converts at the church. And I'm really excited for you to hear from Deborah.

01:33

I'm excited to hear again from Deborah, because it's been a long time since we've probably even talked about these things.

01:40

But because Deborah's conversion was one that I got to be so intimately connected with, you know,

01:46

Misty and I talking with you, and Lanny giving me reports about how you were doing, and so really glad to have you here tonight.

01:56

So Deborah, I know you're nervous because you're not used to being in front of a camera. So would you just tell us, you know, where you were when the

02:04

Lord started to work in you, and how did He bring you to Himself? Okay, I will back up just a little bit and tell you how.

02:13

I was raised in a very loving home. I had good, sweet, hard -working parents that really did not have any spiritual training at home.

02:25

But they took me to church, and I wanted to go to church because that's just what good people did. And I was probably,

02:34

I think, about 12 years old, and we were having a revival. That's what you had in little churches, summer revivals.

02:41

And our church was, it was kind of the social gathering, you know, too. And I remember that I had not joined the church at that time.

02:51

That was how you became a member. But one of my friends kind of nudged me, pushed me out of the choir one of the nights of the revival, and I went down, walked the aisle.

03:02

I have no idea what the pastor said to me. He asked me some questions, and I know he asked me,

03:09

I mean, I knew that Jesus died for my sins, but I had no idea what my sins were.

03:16

And really, that was true then, and it was true for many years to come. So I spent my teen years and college years just being good.

03:28

I wanted to be good. I always wanted to please teachers. I wanted to please my parents. I wanted to hear other people, you know, tell me how well

03:37

I did things. I took, and as I look back on my life, that is where I got my affirmation. So it was not until Lanny and I got married, and I don't know when it was, but at some point,

03:50

I started realizing that Lanny possessed something that I did not have. And I didn't know at the time what it was, but I know now he had a peace, and he had a joy, and a relationship with the

04:05

Lord. But I just thought, well, you know, he's the husband, and he's the leader of our...this

04:11

is just how it's supposed to be. So I don't think I really worried about it very much. But it was when we were in graduate school, and I just remember that there was a pattern in my life, and it seemed like it happened on Sunday afternoons.

04:29

There were just low periods. It was like a depression, but it didn't last, but just Sunday afternoons kind of.

04:37

And I'm sure Lanny at times said, what's wrong? And I would say, I don't know. And I really didn't know what was wrong with me.

04:45

But finally, he did. It was enough that he suggested that I go and talk to our pastor.

04:51

But, you know, I wasn't about to do that. It was too much pride. You know, we were even kind of working and doing something in that church, you know.

04:58

And I know we sang in the choir. You know, I couldn't go talk to him. So then we got through with grad school,

05:07

Lanny, that we had a new job, a new town, a new church. And by that time, we had a new baby. And so this, again, this pattern of this just, it was so bad that finally,

05:22

Lanny was out of town. And I remember I left Amy with a neighbor, and I, on my own, went to see the pastor.

05:31

And he did the best he knew to do. His counsel, though, was to pray a prayer and be baptized.

05:39

And I'd already been baptized once, because I had to be baptized. I forgot that. When we were,

05:44

I was raised in a Methodist church, and I had to be baptized to join this Baptist church. But I was baptized again.

05:53

And there was, I received much affirmation, because there I was. I was 25. My husband was a newly ordained deacon, and I'd been brave and walked down the aisle, and, you know.

06:05

And then the next 30 years were spent just being a good, sweet, hardworking woman in the church.

06:15

I taught Sunday school classes and served on committees, sang in the choir.

06:22

I was busy teaching and raising good little girls. Again, I think, doing the best

06:29

I knew to do there at the time. But, so this is just how life was.

06:37

But it was, it was just pretty good and comfortable. And then it was 1999, and we were exposed in our church to two weeks of teaching by a ministry that came in.

06:52

And it was not just preaching. It was teachings about God and about life action ministries.

07:02

Yes. We had never heard anything like this before. And I mean, we felt beaten up.

07:09

But we would want to go back at night. When they, when we found out they were coming, I remember thinking, I was asked to host a couple.

07:16

And I thought, oh, you know, I'll have to go every night, you know. But the I wanted to, you know.

07:22

And it was more you'd hear, the more like, oh, that's Christ. I don't, I'm not like that.

07:29

But we just kept going back. And so after that, I wanted to change.

07:37

I saw changes that I wanted to do in parenting, in my marriage, just everything.

07:45

But then, that's when we stayed in our church for another year.

07:55

And then that's when, you know, there was so much going on with Lanny talking to you.

08:02

And there came that time when it looked like there were not going to be changes that we thought, and there was going to be a new work.

08:11

Again, I wanted changes, but not bad enough to be a part.

08:18

I didn't think of this new work and leaving my church and all the changes that was going to mean for me. But again,

08:24

I was a sweet wife, and I followed and did what my husband did.

08:30

And I am so thankful that I did, you know, have a husband that I, anyway, that I did follow, but it was not because of him.

08:38

It was just because I had too much pride. That was the only reason. So, there were so many things.

08:47

Again, John, you know, I was not just real happy with Lanny at that time, and I was just not real happy with you at that time, too, because you were just, you know, changing my life.

08:59

But anyway, the Lord is kind to interrupt our lives, and He did interrupt my life in a big way about that time.

09:07

It was not just the church, but Lanny and I were involved in a ministry. And Lanny, years ago,

09:14

Lanny put in on his heart to have a ministry for those in the ministry. And it had become, you know,

09:22

I always thought it would never happen, but it came to be. And again, I was a good wife, and I helped

09:28

Lanny and smiled doing it, but it was all not out of love for Christ.

09:34

It was just duties and obligations, and because that was what I was to do. So, because of our obligations at the ministry, we were having a lot of financial stress, having our home and then the ministry.

09:48

So, we sold our home. And again, I said all the right things like, oh, yeah, we'll sell our home and use this money there.

09:58

But in my heart, you know, it was, I was, I was, really, there was a bitterness that was growing and an anger, because not only there was a new church,

10:10

I had, you know, we left our home that I thought I would live in always. It was just these expectations

10:17

I had of life, you know. And relationships that had been, they were, they were strained because of what we were doing in our life.

10:27

So, truly, I guess you would say my little comfortableness got totally turned upside down, and I didn't like it.

10:37

I didn't like life. I didn't like what was, but I went on saying the right things, smiling, and I don't know how long this went on, but, you know, you can only pretend for so long, and I'm sure it didn't take long for you to realize that.

10:57

And I don't know when Lanny did, but at church, like you said, it met in our home, and that was kind of hard because there were so few of us.

11:08

And I remember the first time you said we were going to pray, but we would not be praying for physical illnesses or things like that, because I remember thinking like others probably, too, but I did think, what in the world will we pray about,

11:24

John? Because I did not, I really didn't know, you know, about my sin and about our hearts and all these things that we were to learn much of.

11:39

So that went on, and we were so busy getting the new church ready, and in the conversations since people were having, they were reading these books, these terminology, the things that you were saying, you know.

11:53

I remember you used to pass out little pieces of paper even and ask us little things. Do you remember that?

11:58

Oh, yeah, yeah. And maybe even how much time we had spent praying that week, and I remember thinking, okay, am

12:05

I going to be honest, you know? But there were just so many things that I felt like I saw my, how

12:12

I was just a fake. But there came a time, and we were at the old church, and it was your mama,

12:22

John, and she said, how are you doing? And somehow,

12:29

I just, I told Robbie, I blurted out, I just said, I don't know if I'm a Christian or not. Again, I think this had been some time, because there were so many things going on after the ministry, too.

12:44

And so at that time, I know somebody, I think it was

12:50

Amber, had been converted, Amber Methenia, and she, I told her about my,

12:57

I said, I don't, you know, I don't know about me. I thought, you know, so she gave me the book,

13:02

Anxious Inquirer, by Jane James. And I took it.

13:08

I don't know that I read it for a while, but finally I did. I mean, things were just so bad.

13:15

I was so miserable. Our marriage was struggling, because we were just like ships passing in the night.

13:21

You know, we just couldn't talk about it. I really didn't know what to say. I just knew, you know, everything, everything was just, you know,

13:29

I was miserable. And I didn't know how to fix it. So I did pick up that book, I think, at some point.

13:36

But I'd read a chapter, and I'd think, well, that, you know, read the next chapter. Maybe I'll find out the answer there.

13:41

And I'd go to another chapter, you know. And there was a chapter, a wonderful chapter on faith.

13:47

But again, I didn't understand about this being a gift. I was still trying to do something, you know.

13:54

And there was another book that was so useful, so beneficial. It was

14:00

Bunyan's book, Grace Abounding. Well, he wrote Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners.

14:05

That's his autobiography. I think that was it, where he saw the, or he heard this, just this common, this lady sitting around talking.

14:13

And they were talking about Christ. And I remember that really was, that really struck me, because I thought,

14:21

I don't know that Christ. I don't know that God, either. I don't know. But then he made, there was a statement that I think

14:30

I'll always remember. He said he was too miserable to live, but too scared to die. And that really summed up me at that point.

14:39

I was so miserable for living, but I knew if I died that I was lost, and I would go to hell.

14:48

And again, I don't know if I have this in order, but you brought Mr. and Mrs. Heim to America, your pastor in Wales.

14:56

And Mrs. Heim spoke to the ladies out at Gilead, you remember? And she talked on Song of Solomon.

15:05

And I was busy, because I was the one in charge. I was helping doing the cooking and getting, you know, the cottages ready and all that.

15:11

So I was kind of in and out. But I well remember when she gave a, she encouraged the ladies.

15:22

In fact, she challenged us to ask God to let us see our hearts, and then to beg

15:29

Him not to leave us there, but to let us see Him. Well, I remember thinking, I heard that, because I thought,

15:35

I know my heart. You know, I know it. I know these things I'm thinking, and I'm, you know, and I know

15:44

I, you know, my heart, and I don't like it. But anyway, I thought I knew my heart. But I pray,

15:50

I'm sure it was probably a flippant prayer, not a good prayer, but God is so kind. And He was so patient with me and so gentle.

15:59

And I also forgot something. You would come by there often.

16:06

Well, we were seven miles off of another road. And you didn't just come by. But you would say, well,

16:12

I just stopped by to see how y 'all were doing. And I knew you were checking on me and my soul and seeing how

16:18

Lanny was doing with his wife. And, but one, you or Lanny, one, tell me to maybe quit reading these books and just look to Christ, run to Christ.

16:33

And that, at that time, I'd heard that before. And I remember just kind of getting tired of hearing that. Lanny would say it to people.

16:39

And, you know, there were so many things that Lanny was saying, but it was, because I didn't understand, it was just, you know, it would just kind of rub me the wrong way.

16:49

But y 'all said that, but I didn't know what it meant. It still sounded mystical. But that was your counsel.

16:56

And I knew you were praying, obviously. And so, again,

17:02

I just have these moments that I remember. And there was that moment, and I told you that in the kitchen that time when

17:08

I knew that, you know, I had sins and categories.

17:16

You know, there were those, those big sins that I didn't think that I was capable of, those big, public, horrible sins.

17:25

But there was that moment in the kitchen at Gilead when I was cooking, and I had that knife in my hand.

17:33

And John, I saw it. And I really realized at that moment that I could do anything.

17:38

I could be, I could do anything wicked, that I had a heart that was that wicked.

17:45

And that was the moment that the Lord, I had already seen my self -righteousness and how

17:51

I had put my, all this goodness and people telling me I was good.

17:56

In fact, I got to the point, if anybody says, you are so sweet or good, I was going to hit them, because I knew

18:02

I was not. But that was the moment that I really saw that I could do anything, anything apart from God and His mercy.

18:14

And again, I don't know how all this, you know, was. This went on, I think, for over a year.

18:22

So I'm really, you know, of course, capsuling this, because we were doing the church. And I was, again, just trying to be what

18:32

I was supposed to be. And there were those who knew I was struggling and praying for me. And I was reading.

18:39

And I, again, didn't know exactly what looking to Christ and running to Christ meant.

18:45

But in my own way, I was trying, I think. But again, the moment that I remember was in our bedroom.

18:53

I just, there was no one there. And I was so miserable and so desperate. And so I just lay down on the floor.

19:01

And I felt like I had just come to the end of myself. And I cried out to God.

19:07

And I just, I just begged Him to, and I felt like I just emptied myself of me.

19:15

And I remembered what she said, Mrs. Himes said, and I felt like I had truly seen my heart.

19:20

And I thought I couldn't stand much more. But I begged God to let me see Him. And when

19:26

I got up, I had often thought, you know, what is a conversion? But there was nothing.

19:31

There was no flashing light. There were no bells. There were no whistles. There was nothing. And I don't remember anything specific, except one day, again, there were just these moments that I have remembrances of.

19:45

We made pottery, you know, to pay bills. So with the little pottery shop was kind of up and up a hill.

19:53

And usually it was in the afternoon. I'm just tired. And again, it was an obligation. It was a duty.

19:59

And it was just a trudge, literally trudge up that hill to the pottery shop.

20:05

But I remember one day, my feet felt lighter, and I was singing out my head, amazing grace, how can it be?

20:14

And because I can't remember, and because I'm nervous, that thou, my

20:19

God, shouldst die for me. And then I remembered saying those words, tis mystery all, tis mercy all.

20:26

And they were just coming to me, you know. But it wasn't just that. It was just the lightness.

20:32

We'd been singing these ever since the church started, but they were real. And I know other people have used this in their testimony, but that line, my chains fell off, my heart was free,

20:43

I rose, went forth and followed thee. I felt that. I just felt those words.

20:51

And so again, there was nothing big. It's just that all of a sudden, gradually, it wasn't all of a sudden.

20:59

It was gradually. The songs, the hymns that we sang, they would be so real that I would cry.

21:04

I could not sing them without, you know, just crying. And then there came the time when

21:11

I was, as I read the Word, I'd always read, had my little devotion, but it was a checklist.

21:18

It was, oh, I didn't do that. And there was this, like, almost like, I'm going to be chastised for it or anything.

21:26

But there was a difference there about that. And I wanted to be in conversations.

21:35

I didn't still feel like I knew, you know, but I wanted to hear.

21:41

I just wanted people to talk. In fact, somebody else told me I was, I think Lanny told me

21:46

I'd been converted. I didn't even know. But he saw changes. Maybe, I don't know.

21:52

That was kind of funny. But I said, you know, because I thought I was expecting something, you know.

22:01

I don't know, I used to wish, I must have said I'd been this horrible person, so I would have known this big, but again,

22:07

I didn't understand sin and my, you know, my self -righteousness.

22:14

So that, really, I feel like, I mean, I know I've left out so much.

22:21

But I thought, though, that then, when I realized

22:27

I'd been converted, that this is, whoo, you know, could be smooth sailing right on, you know, to glory.

22:33

And, you know, it hasn't been like that. But, but anyway,

22:39

Christ has, and is showing me over and over that He is.

22:45

All He says He is. And it has been just amazing.

22:52

And I have felt like, I cannot believe that the Lord, I feel like I am such an ordinary person.

23:01

And He has just let me see something so extraordinary at the church, but in my life, my own heart, of course, but in the church.

23:11

And I am eternally grateful. So are we.

23:20

Grateful for the kindness of the Lord to us, but also, you know, everything we've seen of Christ reflected in His mercy to you, you know, in bringing you to Him.

23:30

So many months of conviction, but also all the ways He sustained you through a lot of rough spots since then.

23:40

Well, thank you, Deborah. And I know that you could say so much more, but we really appreciate you coming and being willing to be nervous in front of the camera and just telling us about the kindness of the

23:50

Lord. Thank you. Can I say one more thing? Yeah, go ahead. I just want to say that looking to Christ and run to Christ, the things, those words that I never thought

24:01

I wanted to hear again, and I didn't understand that when I wake up in the morning now, especially now, that's what

24:10

I have to do. And the Romans 12, one and two, you know, that that's just something that has to be done before you start or you start listening to all the lies and believing them.

24:25

And I so am so grateful for you telling me to look to Christ and to run to Him.

24:33

Well, thank you for joining us, and we'll be back again with other testimonies of the