Sex Is Not Optional

Silicon Valley Reformed Baptist Church

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All right, good morning Do you have a Bible turn to Genesis 2

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We're going to be reading Genesis 2 24 through 35 and Thinking through Genesis chapter 3 as well, but for now, we'll read

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Genesis 2 24 through 25 and we're continuing our Study in Genesis basic truths and the truth today that we're going to be considering is the truth

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That sex is not optional So if you do have Genesis 2 24 open go ahead and stand for the reading of God's Word Genesis 2 24 therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife and they shall become one flesh and The man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed

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This is the Word of the Lord Maybe see you let's pray

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Lord we do pray that you bless our time here today and help us to learn great things from your word We know that you are good that your plans are right and your purposes will stand

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You know that we're living in a world that really is in contention with you at every level

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You pray that you help us to learn great things today and help us know how best to honor you your sins. I pray Amen Growing up.

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I grew up in a time where pastors used to preach on the topic of sex It's not really something that happens anymore

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Very rarely if ever do you hear a pastor address this topic from the pulpit almost at all?

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But I grew up in a generation where pastors still talked about this topic And the way they talked about this topic was largely in the language of warning

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So I grew up with strong warnings being given about the subject of sex most of those warnings took the form of Presenting to young people the consequences of engaging in this activity and those

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Consequent those consequences were enumerated to great length growing up for me

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So I remember pastors would warn about the nature of this topic That in a way that almost led an individual to the conclusion that sex itself was bad

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There was something to be feared. It was something that was deeply shameful It was something that should not be engaged in What they were trying to do was warn young people about the dangers of fornication which are real certainly when

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Individuals get engaged in fornication. There is going to be shame that comes from that there is going to be

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Objective guilt that comes from that there are many consequences to engaging in fornication including

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STDs Damaged relationships out of Wedlock pregnancies all these things are certainly true and these were the kind of things that pastors warned my generation about growing up But one of the things that's happened is you're living in a generation that failed to heed

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Those warnings so we're several generations in now to a point where? Fornication has become somewhat ubiquitous at this point.

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So it's expected that young people will fornicate at this point This shows up in almost every conceivable way

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When you think about the TV shows that we watch now It's very normal and natural for us to watch

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TV shows where unmarried couples are living together Where there are scenes of them?

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laying in bed together And I'm not trying to talk about even the scandalous stuff that we

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Shouldn't be watching today. I'm just talking about normal normal scenes of unmarried people living together and having

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Conversations that would be appropriate to have if you were a married couple But today pastors, they really don't talk about this

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Topic at all really in our impulses surrounding this topic are to basically play

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Play the role of the therapist after the fact who are trying to assure everyone that they haven't ruined their life and God still has

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Plans and purposes for them. So growing up the focus was on trying to keep them from doing

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These things by warning them essentially that if they engage in these activities, they're probably going to ruin their life forever

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Today the job of most pastors is basically to say to them that you know You haven't we know that you've done this

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We know that you've engaged in these things and you haven't ruined your life God still has a purpose and a plan for you, but the problem with both of these ways of approaching this topic is

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That it tempts us to view sex as something that's fundamentally bad something that's shameful something that's dirty and When you go into marriage and you think about sex itself as being something that's shameful bad dirty defiled

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When you go into marriage thinking that way what you end up doing is you have a very difficult time adjusting to married life

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Because you've been trained in a certain perspective of this topic Through the nature of all the warnings that you receive to where you view it as somewhat of a negative thing

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And you have a difficult time adjusting and thinking about it rightly Today you live in a society that really is governed by feminine sensibilities

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And I don't know how to acknowledge this without becoming guilty of the great sin of misogyny

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I Don't see myself particularly as a misogynist But I do know that many pastors have temptations to downplay the natures of sin that women uniquely commit

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When you think about a topic like this the topic of sex being optional there is a certain

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Perspective of sex that has happened within the world that as I'm saying is largely governed by the way that Females think about this topic so we are no longer living in a patriarchal society

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We currently live in a society that's more matriarchal and orientation and because you live in a society that's more matriarchal and orientation

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And it's more governed by feminine sensibilities What happens is that when you think about this topic you may think about this topic in a way that?

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more naturally fits the way that women think about this topic and Then if I if I were to come along and basically try to tell you

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About reasons why that's happening You may be tempted and predisposed to think that somehow that's

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Throwing women under the bus in a way that's somewhat inappropriate I would ask you as we go along today to be aware of that temptation that you might have because I don't know how to Talk about a topic like this and talk about dangers that are actually there and where these dangers are arising without Being honest about the nature of the situation itself

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But I do think yet, we are living in a society right now where sexless marriages are on the rise

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So the definition of sexless marriage that many you know the experts are operating under is the definition of a couple who has sex less than Ten times a year that would be typically considered a sexless marriage, so these these numbers are on the rise

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It's very difficult to find good numbers on this topic because this is a topic that most people were somewhat embarrassed to talk about and Probably don't want to admit

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To in the form of statistics, but you know with the statistics I've seen It can be upwards to about 20 % of marriages that are this way and these are not just older marriages where you might naturally expect

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These things to happen. I read a stat that was basically saying that among millennial women

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After four years of marriage Only 48 % of women have any interest in sex anymore

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I Found that to be somewhat shocking and remarkable But this is certainly the kind of thing that has shown up in counseling in a way that's somewhat one -sided, okay

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So in the course of my counseling I've had one couple I Have one couple that I was involved in counseling with Where the guy was tempted to treat sex as optional depriving his wife of her conjugal rights

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I? Don't know how to enumerate The number of individuals who have reached out to me for help

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About that topic on the other side Now that's not to say that there's no good reasons

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Why these things are the case and I'm not suggesting and you should not hear me to be suggesting right now

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And you may be here tempted to hear me suggest that the fact that those

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Realities are one -sided is all at the blame of one gender. That's not what I'm saying I am trying to say that this is a temptation that One gender does uniquely face as a result of biological realities

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Which we should all be aware of which I think sometimes we forget and need to have pointed out to us

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Now did counsel a couple at a church.

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I was at and I'm not going to tell you what church I was at and I did ask them permission Whether or not I could share this example just so that you don't take offense on their behalf

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I did ask them if I was allowed to take if they would mind if I share this example without sharing their names

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They said that was fine But I did counsel a married couple Who had basically not had sex for the first 15 months of their marriage

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This is like a Christian couple. There's a Christian couple grew up in church their whole life They didn't have sex for the first 15 months of their marriage

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When I asked them why? Basically, they told me that there was some medical condition that was leading to making this difficult

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When I asked them more questions, it comes to find out that the medical condition was the wife was afraid

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That was it But the thing is the husband just kind of let this happen which was baffling to me

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I couldn't understand why he would let that go on and on for 15 months So there's something happening on that end

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When I discerned that we're talking about a medical condition of fear I did you know light my beard on fire and run around the office and shove things around the desk and Basically tell them that they were committing tax fraud and violating

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God's standards and Did not promise that I wouldn't report them, you know But no hi

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They have three kids now But there's something

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I hear you have to understand you're living in a society right now where that kind of thing can happen Okay, you know you say hey, that's a that's a extreme situation.

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That's not a common situation I'll tell you that This is a big problem in the church.

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This is a big problem in the church. It may not take that extreme of a form But there are so many guys that reach out to me

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I'm somewhat of a public personality because I have a podcast I have so many guys they've reached out to me on this topic that I really don't even know what to do with and You know in a lot of cases

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I understand why their wives wouldn't want to touch them with the 10 -foot pole But like the issue is is it really is this is a this is not an uncommon thing and I don't think

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I'm not persuaded that Christians are thinking about this topic as they should and I'm not persuaded that Christians are thinking about sex as being so foundational to what makes a marriage a marriage as It actually is and so we would do well to think about some of these things today

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Now as I said, we've been doing a study on basic truths and the basic truth that we're going to talk about today is the truth that sex is not optional and part of the reason why we're talking about this is because there's three purposes for marriage in the

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Bible and I've talked about them in order and all of these purposes for marriage in the Bible are found

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Being taught in one way or another in Genesis So God in his Word has answered some basic questions about who we are where we come from where we are going

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He has answered those questions in the opening chapters of the Bible lest we have any kind of confusion Because they are so foundational to the way we understand what the world actually is

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But as I said, there's three purposes for marriage and our confession outlines those purposes and we've talked about each one of them so far

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We're on the last So our confession says marriage was ordained for the mutual help of a husband and wife

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We talked about that for the increase of mankind with a legitimate issue We talked about that as well when our procreation is not optional sermon and finally for the preventing of uncleanness

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So marriage, what is it ordained for? Well, it's a means of helping individuals to avoid

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Temptation and it is this basic truth We're going to talk about today and it's this basic truth that I don't know that we're really allowed to say as If it's a real thing.

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I Don't know that we're allowed to treat this third purpose for marriage As if it's a real purpose for marriage

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What I mean by that is if I try to treat this as a real purpose for marriage

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That sex was given in marriage for the purpose of preventing immorality Then what we are instantaneously predisposed to think is that if there is ever any immorality to happen

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You should treat that as as if it bears no correlation to the purpose of marriage itself

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That makes sense. I'm trying to say that's the way you're predisposed to think Now what I'm not suggesting and you should not hear me to be suggesting is that if a person is unfaithful to their marriage vows

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They are able to blame it on the unfaithfulness of the other person That's not what I'm trying to say But I am trying to say that these things are connected and marriage is meant to be a relationship that helps prevent

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Immorality and one of the ways it does prevent immorality is by treating sex not as optional but as a

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Necessary part of marriage and so we're going to talk about some of these things today Now when you look at Genesis 2 24 the passages that we talked about today

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We're gonna spend some time here in Genesis 2 24. I want to talk about God's purposes in creation related to sex and then we're also going to talk about how the fall has affected these purposes as well

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But Genesis 2 24 starts out this way It gives us our definition of marriage that we've talked about to some length

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So Genesis 2 24 says therefore a man shall leave his father and mother hold fast to his wife They will become one flesh.

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That's our definition for marriage brothers and sisters. That's what it is If you want to know what marriage is Everything that you need to understand what marriage is is found right there a man leaving father mother holding fast to wife

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They shall become one flesh And if you you know have paid attention to what is actually being said there that is a statement about sex, isn't it?

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And leaves father mother holds fast to his wife. They shall become one flesh There are biological realities that are present there that I'm not going to detail

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I'm just going to suggest though that intrinsic to the nature of what marriage is

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This topic is Closely tied to that Verse 25 the man his wife were both naked and were not ashamed

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What do we see here in Genesis 2 24 about the nature of what marriage is? Well, what we see is that sex is they the sine qua non of marriage.

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That's a fancy Latin phrase which means the without which nothing if you want to understand if you want to understand what makes marriage different from any other relationship

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You need to think about it in relation to the topic that we're talking about here today

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As I said, yeah, you're living in a society right now that views the world primarily through the lens of female sensibilities

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And because you view the world primarily through the lens of female sensibilities

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What you might think when you think about what marriage is in the first instance

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You may be tempted to think that marriage is meant to be Fundamentally in the first instance a friendship.

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So when you get married, what are you looking for? What are you trained to look for when you when you look for a marriage?

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You're trained to look for your opposite -sex bestie, right your BFF forever.

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That's what you're looking for. I Talked to young people who are pursuing marriage That's in the forefront of their mind as the nature of the tasks that they're trying to find

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They're trying to find their they may not Add the redundant forever on to the

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BFF thing like I just did but that's what they're looking for They're looking for their best friend forever, and I'm not suggesting that marriage is not meant to be a strong friendship

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I am suggesting that that's not fundamental to what makes marriage marriage and we used to know this we used to know this

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Okay, men and women I Don't know how to say this without just within in a way that doesn't communicate to other people that I'm disparaging the nature of male -female

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Friendships, but I am trying to say that male and females don't make natural friends. We're very different. We don't make natural friends

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You know throughout the course of my life When I think about the nature of male to male friendships,

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I've had plenty of male friendships And you know what? Those male friendships are typically not

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In danger of much conflict, okay Okay, so you think about my male friendships my whole life, right?

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There's very little conflict that I've ever had and the vast majority of those male friendships Those males friendships are kind of centered around some kind of common quest some kind of objective that we have we're

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Engaging in similar interest or coming alongside each other, right? So male friendship is like this

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If you think male -female friendship, it's like this where male friendship is side -by -side engaging in a task together

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The vast majority of my male friendships were pretty easy problem -free No stress very little potential for misunderstanding

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If one of the first times I ever had Conflict in one of my male friendships was in seminary

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And one of my friends in seminary came up to me and basically he was deeply disappointed the fact that I hadn't called him enough lately

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And I just kind of looked at him. I said hey, I don't do this with men Is that the way this works? These are the kind of things that are characteristic of my relationships with women

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I'm not doing that with you like we're busy. We're in seminary man. We read books all day long

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I'm not good. We're not doing that. We're not going there But I mean, that's that's a rare situation that this happened almost every

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Relationship whatever you want to describe I've ever had with a woman has been very very different. We're very different.

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We think very differently Get very different expectations about the world It's it's much more difficult to put a man and a woman together in close proximity and tell them to get along Than it is necessarily to put two men together

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In close proximity and tell them to get along many women don't necessarily make natural friends

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But that isn't fundamentally the things that are mentioned in Genesis 20 to 24 about what makes marriage marriage

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It's not just this friendship. Okay this opposite -sex friendship now certainly in a good biblical marriage

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There's a great capacity for a very fulfilling Kind of friendship, I'm not trying to deny that I'm just trying to ask a basic question.

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What makes marriage marriage Well, what makes marriage marriage is and they shall become one flesh that's what makes marriage marriage and Jesus says as much okay, so in Matthew 19 11 in Matthew 19 11

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When Jesus is discussing the nature of the permanence of marriage with his disciples They conclude they conclude that would be better not to marry

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If from the beginning God made them fail male and female and what God has joined together let not man separate they conclude

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Well, it's better not marry. Well, what does Jesus say about that? He said to them verse Matthew 19 11 Not everyone can receive this saying but only to those to whom it's been given for their eunuchs have been so from birth their eunuchs have been made eunuchs by men and their eunuchs have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom left the one

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Who was able to receive this receive it? What is he saying there? He's saying if you're a biological eunuch, you're not made for marriage

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You know what when I've said that before I've had many people get upset with me to suggest that there is someone who is

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Not made for marriage and the biological eunuch. Jesus is saying is not made for marriage. Why?

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Look at what marriage is in Genesis 2 24 and they shall become one flesh. Is that possible for the biological eunuch?

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No Well, but can't they still be friends opposite sex friends, yeah, sure they could be opposite sex friends, but that isn't what

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That isn't the sine qua non of marriage. That's not what makes marriage marriage Marriage is designed for three purposes the confession says what are those three purposes?

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One of those is the mutual help between a husband and wife That's one purpose that could be fulfilled with a eunuch marriage

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What are the other two for the increase of mankind with a legitimate issue? That's procreation That can't happen

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In a eunuch marriage and the prevention of uncleanness That can't happen

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Within a eunuch marriage you see two of those purposes are not able to be lawfully fulfilled It's denying the nature of what makes marriage marriage.

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So the nature of what makes marriage marriage is marriage as Distinct from other kinds of relationships is in the first instance

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Is sexual relations Relationship. Well now what else do we see about creation God's creative purposes for sex here?

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So one we see that sex is the sine qua non of marriage that without which nothing Second we see that sex is a gift to be enjoyed without shame in the context of a marriage.

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So as Genesis 2 24 says therefore a man shall leave his father mother hold fast to his wife and they shall become among flesh and Notice the picture of unity and harmony in verse 25 and the man and his wife were both naked and not ashamed

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What is sex was the gift to be ignored? It's a gift to be enjoyed without shame in the context of marriage now step into that world for a minute

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I know that we anyone here today who was married Who's thinking about marriage you're living not in the world that Adam and Eve lived in When you think about this topic when you think about nakedness you think of you associate it with shame and condemnation guilt embarrassment,

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I mean It's frequent that Individuals will have dreams where they don't have any clothes on and you know

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This is a profound source of embarrassment for them the psycho the psychologists tell you that if you have those kind of dreams

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And that's a sign of insecurity. I don't really know what to make of that I've had some of those strange dreams before mostly mostly

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I have dreams or like I have a teeth missing or That which I would associate with some kind of insecurity in the moment but I mean certainly step into that world for a second and It's really startling to think about the nature of The experience of marriage that Adam and Eve had prior to the fall that they threw away in the trash

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If you've been married to any length of time You know that there is great capacity for Disharmony on this topic, but I mean imagine what the world was like for Adam and Eve where there was none of that completely free open

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No embarrassment. No shame Here for you right like I'm here for you

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We know what marriage is there's no sin that's tempting us to Withhold our affection from each other.

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There's no distrust there. That's going to distort this active intimacy A lot was lost in those moments for sure

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I mean perhaps the only context we have right now for these words The man and his wife are both naked and not ashamed is when you consider the way that children are

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Related to Their relationship between clothes and the rest of the world

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Okay They seem to be blissfully unaware of the realities that rest of us are painfully aware of Thinking that clothing are optional

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And basking in their Edenic glory, yeah But you do have to train them out of those things and at a certain point you do notice

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There is a transition from them being in a state of innocence to all sudden Them experiencing the world the way the rest of us, so what does the fall done?

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What's fall done? Well fall distorts sex by associating nakedness with shame.

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That's what it does So Genesis 3 6 We see that when the woman saw that the tree was good for food

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That it was a delight to the eyes in the tree was desired to make one wise She took it of its fruit and ate and she also gave some to her husband who was there with her and ate then the eyes of both were opened and they

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Knew that they were naked and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths And I heard the sound of the

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Lord walking in the garden in the cool of the day and the man and his wife hid Themselves from the presence of the

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Lord God among the trees of the garden But the Lord God called to the man and said to him.

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Where are you? He said I heard the sound of you walking in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked and I hid myself

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He said who told you that you were naked. Have you eaten of the tree which I commanded you not to eat? So you think about this passage and what you see is as a result of the fall

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There's a fundamental disharmony that's introduced between man and woman It's fundamental disharmony that's reduced introduced between man and his fellow man

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You see that there's a fundamental disharmony that's introduced between man primarily and his maker

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You know after eating of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil innocence is lost The man and his wife they both feel exposed

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Instead of seeing nakedness as a good gift to be enjoyed in the context of marriage Man and his wife they feel

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Not only exposed before God, but they feel exposed in front of other people now

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Nakedness now is something that is associated with shame When you think about that topic related to yourself

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There is great capacity for shame that you are going to experience. It's very difficult to enjoy the marriage union

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With this great capacity that individuals have for shame in the first instance because shame is associated with nakedness

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But in the second instance because we are moral beings who are made in the image of God when you violate God's standards

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What happens you violate God's standards you experience shame? Objectively you're guilty guilt is the experience of shame you feel that guilt you feel that shame you feel that condemnation

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The reality of your nakedness is is basically the reality that you as a creature are looking up to your maker and realizing

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That you are flawed You're flawed You're imperfect Now instead of nakedness being a gift to be enjoyed in the context of marriage you realize there are threats from the outside Like You are not a perfect person right you are not a perfect person you are a fallen person you you are sinful

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You are guilty and at the same time. There's threats on the outside There's distrust between the man the wife at this point notice how the man and his wife they hide themselves from each other

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They're hiding themselves from other people they're hiding themselves from God And as we're going to learn later these these are not just Acts that they perform of their own doing which

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God doesn't verify so God institutes clothing from this point on As a normal reality of life in a fallen world

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And really I mean there's some discussion about How that carries over into the next life as well because it seems like we will be clothed in the next life as well

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So that's an interesting topic for a theological reflection But here's the point the Paul the fall distorts sex by associating nakedness

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With shame creation seems to reinforce reinforce this by cold weather God's made the world in such a way that clothing is needed for a variety of purposes

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Now Jesus was naked on the cross as an act where others were trying to shame him

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But we know that there is great glory in the cross there You're living in a society where?

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Individuals are shameless related to this topic when a woman unclothes herself in public

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You're living in a world that views that as a triumphant act of bravery When really it is

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Individuals who are glorying in their shame So what does the fall do the fall distorts sex by associating nakedness with shame?

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That's what it does We Understand fundamentally that we are moral beings who are created in the image of God we violated his standards

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He sees all we can hide nothing From him Adam and Eve are trying to hide from him And that's the joke of the passages that they're trying to hide from the person who made them who is standing there

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Knowing exactly where they are we tried to hide herself from God and we try to hide herself from other people

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We're weighed down with moral guilt, and then we're also rate weighed down with the guilt of knowing that we aren't what we're

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Made to be in certain ways and this obviously shows up in the context of marriage so song goes Solomon 8 8

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Says that we have a little sister, and she has no breast What should we do for a sister on the day when she has spoken for?

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If she is a wall we will build on her a battlement of silver, but if she's a door We will enclose her with boards of cedar

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I was I was a wall and my breasts were like towers, then I was in his eyes as one who finds peace the reality is that There is a natural normal shame that comes

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With the reality of being exposed of being sinful of being fallen of being imperfect

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These are all obstacles and barriers that To actual intimacy in the context of marriage that anyone who has been married knows that there's a great capacity for shame

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Finding its way into something which is meant to be Good now, and you do have to return to the basic problem the

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God's purposes for sex and marriage that we've already elaborate on that speak to these kind of things and a husband's job is to Help his wife deal with her shame that she might bring into the context of Marriage so that she can be in his eyes as one who finds peace for sure

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So the fall it distorts sex by associating nakedness with shame It introduces the need for boundaries for nakedness so Genesis 3 7

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The eyes of both were opened and they knew that they were naked and they sewed

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Fig leaves together and they made themselves loincloths Now the first couple they make themselves clothing

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This was something that they did in response to the fall But this is something that God comes along and reinforces and establishes

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So we're going to talk about that in a little bit God comes along and reinforces this need for boundaries for nakedness

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Now you're living in a world right now that doesn't seem to understand that men and women are different at this point

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We try to downplay these differences. We pretend that we're functioning the same But then there are some biological realities to men women that we would do well to pay attention to I'm not going to go into great detail at this point

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But when you think about this topic in general you're living in a in a society right now that basically treats lust as Not a real problem, okay

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So if you think about individuals who are in various states of undressed today I'm not asking you to think about that too specifically

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I'm just trying to talk about the topic in general If you think about if a for instance Get very practical and very specific if a woman were to come to church wearing less clothes than what she should wear and There was a man who lusted after her well whose fault is it well the answer is yes, you know

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Like is it her fault yes, is it the man's fault yes, is it their fault in the same way

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No Can the man blame his lust on the woman no? I can't be

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I mean he can't say you know if you wore more clothes. I wouldn't lust at you like I'm gonna lust at you.

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I'm just hopeless. I'm I have to lust at you because you're wearing not enough clothes He can't really blame his lust on her at the same time.

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She is tempting him right. She is a real temptation real source of temptation There's God in any sense look at that encounter and say

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You know you were the catalyst for that yes, okay? so you think about the nature of Clothing clothing is a need in a fallen world and the reason why clothing is need in the fallen world is because men women are

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Different that's the way it works Let's talk about some of those differences, and I want us to reflect on some of those differences

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So testosterone and estrogen are present in both men and women But the levels and effects differ significantly by gender so testosterone men have about 10 to 20 times more testosterone than women

36:19

That's crazy I mean if you're a guy, you know this I'm just trying to say it's crazy

36:25

Isn't it it drives sexual desire competitiveness aggression and supports muscle mass and bone density? In men higher testosterone is closely tied to higher baseline levels of sexual interest and assertiveness estrogen

36:40

Women have higher levels of estrogen which fluctuates during their menstrual cycle and plays a central role in reproductive health

36:46

Emotional regulation and nurturing behaviors well estrogen influences sexual interest it tends to do so indirectly often

36:53

Linked to specific phases of the cycle, okay? What does that mean in real life?

37:00

That means that men think about this topic The young men particularly think about this topic all day long every day

37:09

Women typically think about this topic at regular intervals in the month That's the way

37:16

God made it, okay So think about this the fall it distorts sex by associating nakedness with shame, but it introduces the need for boundaries for nakedness

37:28

That God has made us to be biological creatures We're biological creatures

37:36

Testosterone brings certain temptations to men estrogen brings certain temptations to women I Think sometimes we're 10.

37:43

We're tempted to downplay these temptations that are result from our biological makeup You know that when

37:48

I do counseling, and I've done counseling with women I Always put a tissue box next to the woman

37:57

Because I'm pretty confident that at some point during this counseling encounter that the woman will cry

38:02

I Almost never I mean I never put a tissue box next to the men because that almost doesn't happen

38:11

It's not really a fault. I don't have that basic kind of consideration. Do we expect women to control?

38:22

Their hormone like the influence of their hormones in their life sure I think so just because You're going through your menstrual cycle that doesn't give you a blank pass just to emote however you want to emote

38:37

Do you have biological temptations that they're gonna make it up and down sure do you have biological temptations after?

38:44

You have a baby due to hormonal changes and even during having a baby to be up and down emotionally sure

38:50

So should we should we expect? women to be able to Manage those hormonal changes,

39:00

I think so yeah, do we as do we as a church not really? We don't often okay.

39:06

We don't But I mean should we have some expectation that you act like a sanctified person despite the fact that your hormones are doing weird things

39:13

I think you should expect someone to act like a sanctified person despite the fact that they're experiencing hormonal changes Or they're influenced by their hormones on the other side

39:24

Do we expect men? to manage their hormone Yeah, absolutely you know what if men doesn't if men don't manage their hormones society ends, right?

39:37

Like there are many many many many dangers that can happen as a result of men not managing their hormones

39:45

And we're all keenly aware of those and we feel like those are the most pressing dangers, and they're actually real

39:50

But I'm just trying to suggest that when you think about this introduces the need for boundaries for nakedness

39:59

Nakedness affects men and women in a different way I'm not just giving men a blank pass to basically say like to treat them as if there's some kind of animal like some

40:09

Kind of brute beast, but I think on the other end you have to acknowledge that We're in some measure influenced by our hormones aren't we so when men

40:19

See female nakedness They're going to be tempted to respond to that with desire if it doesn't belong to them

40:29

When women see when women see male nakedness. I mean you know how they respond.

40:35

It's embarrassing. It's a joke It's like gross right Is that related to hormones at all is what

40:41

I'm trying to say well I think it probably is related to hormones at all does that mean that a godly man should just be defined by his hormones

40:48

Absolutely not just as a godly woman should not be defined by her hormones So I'm I'm just suggesting that yeah, we both have different love we have different kinds of temptation

41:00

That we experience as a result of our biology And I think a lot of a lot of times what happens is like the kind of things

41:07

I'm saying are going to be easily misunderstood to be saying things I'm not trying to say but what I am trying to say is

41:13

We would do well to think about the world from different lenses and those Different lenses are going to be viewed by biology to some degree

41:24

So what does the fall do it distort sex by associating nakedness was same, but it does introduce the need for boundaries for nakedness

41:33

So if you are an individual who is walking around with too little clothing That is a real sin that you're committing and our response as a church should not simply be well

41:48

Let the person wear whatever they want to wear because The other gender needs to control their hormones.

41:58

That's not the right answer We actually need these bound to God considers these a need so God takes clothing and puts them on the man the woman because God Is saying this is actual?

42:09

Need like if you want to destroy a society as a woman wear too little clothing, right?

42:16

If you want to destroy society as a man Just blame everything on your testosterone. I The opposite sex to where if they see a woman with too little clothes, they should just be

42:35

Motivated in a predatory way and blame everything blame all the response on women I think they should be just as in control of their testosterone as women are of their estrogen and more right because They're given a position of leadership

42:47

I am just trying to say that these hormones are real and there are these like this This is a real need for boundaries is the point of trying to make today.

42:55

There's a real need for boundaries For nakedness where nakedness is reserved

43:02

For a man and a woman in the context of marriage These are real needs and we need to be able to talk about them as real needs and not just as Optional kind of hope for the best kind of thing

43:11

So what does the default do it distort sex by associated nakedness with shame it introduces the need for boundaries for nakedness

43:18

And then it introduces temptations to sexual immorality So turn over to first Corinthians 7 and we're going to walk through some of these things there

43:25

So notice what does the fall do it introduces temptations to sexual immorality

43:37

First Corinthians 7 1 begins this way. It says now concerning the matters about which you've wrote It's good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.

43:46

This is the error that the Corinthian Church is bringing in To to Paul and basically asking him to comment on this is not something that Paul is saying

43:54

This is in quotes, you know, but this should be in quotes because it is Something that they wrote to him as Something that they're tempted to think

44:06

Basically, they're tempted to make the same error that the Roman Catholic Church is making at this point where they treat

44:12

Sexual relationships with a woman as bad as negative as dirty as defiling. It's not ideal It's not higher, you know, if you want to be truly spiritual reject an actual function of a woman

44:21

Forbid marriage right for classes of people who want to devote themselves to things that God they're asking him

44:27

Is this true? Is this true? I'm not saying that they're asking it in an anachronistic kind of way

44:32

I'm simply saying they're asking him. There's the same kind of error that's present at that time Where it's a despisal of the physical body

44:39

So this gnostic kind of error that's happened where the body is despised and you're basically rejecting the natural function

44:44

Is that key to true spirituality? Well, no But many people will experience that temptation to reject marriage as a source of sexual satisfaction

44:53

So you realize that you're an individual who has been Made for a particular purpose in a particular reason.

45:01

I gave you some of the testosterone estrogen things I'm not going to explain all the birds and the bees today

45:06

I'm just going to leave it very vague But you realize that you over the course of our study here over the past few weeks.

45:13

We have talked about the fact that Man is made for marriage man is made to procreate your biology is screaming to you about this fact

45:28

You live in a society that's rejecting this fact delaying marriage almost indefinitely you have you have hormones desires that are screaming at you for this topic for the companionship that comes from marriage, you know that you're

45:47

Inexplicably drawn to members of the opposite sex even those were even though those relationships can be more difficult and prone to conflict

45:55

There's something about you that's pulled Magically towards members of the opposite sex that you can't fight but the great temptation you face today is just to reject that as a source of satisfaction and You know and you look around the world you see the chaos that has come from our society rejecting

46:15

Their design at this very level What does Paul say? But because of the temptation to sexual immorality each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband

46:25

There's a great temptation for sexual immorality Why because you're made for a particular purpose you're made for a particular design

46:33

You have bodies that are screaming at you telling you that you're made for a particular design The world though it rejects marriage it certainly isn't rejecting sex is it?

46:49

sex sales The advertisers have figured this out haven't they this topic is being relentlessly pushed upon you

47:05

And it's an actual source of temptation Because you're made for a particular purpose and marriage is meant to be the outlet

47:15

For the purpose that you're made, okay? So here's the thing there are because of temptation to sexual morality

47:25

You should consider whether or not you want to get married No It says each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband

47:31

That is a statement of general truth that I wish that the church would say amen to It's where we'd say yes,

47:40

I'm not trying to think about the one rare scenario out there where maybe someone

47:48

Isn't equipped for marriage Each man should have his own life each woman her own husband and there are temptations the fall has introduced

47:56

Temptations to sexual immorality what are some of those temptations that Paul has in mind? Well the temptation to look for sexual satisfaction apart from marriage, what is that fornication right it could be porn use

48:10

Which is relatively ubiquitous at this point masturbation Temptation to look for sexual satisfaction apart from marriage

48:19

There's a temptation to break covenant to get sexual satisfaction. That would be physical adultery to break a

48:28

Just because you get married that doesn't mean all temptations end There may be temptations to commit physical adultery

48:36

You know my wife is not open and available to me therefore. I'm going to look to someone who is open and available my husband

48:42

Is not Meeting my relational needs I'm going to look to someone else to meet my relational needs

48:49

And then we happen to fall into this because he wants something very different than I want you know there's there's temptations to break

48:56

Covenant to get sexual satisfaction in the form of physical adultery And You know

49:02

I would I would encourage us to reclaim these words of fornication and adultery and quit using euphemisms like affairs

49:12

There's a temptation to want to break covenant to get sexual satisfaction, so that's lust

49:19

Let me say it again. There's the temptation to want to break covenant to get sexual satisfaction.

49:24

That's lust When you actually break it that's physical adultery, right? What does the text say it says, but because of the temptation of sexual immorality each man should have his own wife

49:34

He should have her own husband There's a temptation to break your covenant by refusing to provide sexual satisfaction

49:42

I Don't know that we think about this as a breaking of our covenant in the way that we should

49:50

Let me suggest that we need to change the way we think about it Let me say it again, there's a temptation to break covenant by refusing to provide sexual satisfaction, that's depriving

50:02

What does the text say it says the husband should give to his wife? Her conjugal

50:09

Privileges I think that's how we read these verses. I think we read it as conjugal privileges that are earned on the basis of good

50:16

Behavior, that's what you think You need to continually earn your privilege of sexual intimacy

50:26

If I think we're predisposed to think that way so if you have a sexless marriage or predisposed to think that well

50:31

Maybe the guy didn't buy his wife enough flowers right That's what you think that's what we're tempted to think

50:39

But what does it say though? It says the husband should give his wife her conjugal rights Likewise the wife to her husband

50:46

For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does

50:55

Do not deprive one another except perhaps by limited agreement or perhaps by agreement for a limited time that you made about yourself to prayer

51:01

But then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self -control Typically when we read this we latch on to the phrase do not deprive

51:09

And then we make a mental calculation at that point to say well How infrequent can we be and not be said to still deprive right?

51:17

That's kind of how we approach it, and then we ignore everything else is there But there's a lot there that doesn't sound like that and if you read

51:26

Genesis 2 24 one of the things you realize is that Everything that said here is said in Genesis 2 24 therefore man shall leave his father mother whole pastors wife the two will become one flesh

51:36

That is the foundation for this So therefore man shall leave his father mother whole pastors wife to become one flesh

51:43

That's your definition of marriage, which is the foundation for this discussion about rights and authority and depriving okay?

51:50

So here's the thing like What is marriage marriage is man and woman becoming one flesh do I need to ask permission to touch my arm?

51:59

No Why it's mine? right

52:06

Wouldn't it be crazy if I were just to think oh, I can I touch my leg? Well need did you consent to that?

52:17

No, I think is like you're I don't have to ask permission to touch my

52:24

Body because it's mine. What is marriage marriage is one flesh isn't it? The natural way you think about sexist is you think about it in relationship to how the rules work in the context of Unmarried culture that's heavily driven by the language and notion of consent right

52:47

Now just hold on for a second you may be jumping to conclusions and think I'm going somewhere I'm not quite so just calm down for a second just understand what

52:53

I'm saying all right think about what I'm saying what I'm Trying to say here is like in the world today Consent govers everything so much so to the point where you know if a guy wants to hold his girl's hand

53:05

He should ask I probably can sign a consent waiver now That's that's kind of the state theory and right now despite the fact that that's not really romantic and everything else

53:15

And I'm not trying to suggest that men should be holding women's hand and whatever else and doing all this stuff

53:20

I'm just trying to suggest that you're living in a culture right now that views everything heavily through the lens of personal autonomy Right I'm an individual person you're an individual person and for whatever reason they they still see this act as being so governed by shame

53:35

In a way that doesn't make sense in the evolutionary worldview But everything is driven by personal autonomy the language of consent

53:42

What is this passage saying this passage is saying the husband should give to his wife or conjugal rights likewise wife to her husband for The wife does not have authority over her own body

53:50

But husband does likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does what is that meaning?

53:55

That's that's not really the language of consent And personal autonomy, that's a language of unity like therefore man shall leave his father mother hold fast to his wife and two shall become one flesh that's

54:07

That's saying when you get married. You're making a covenant with each other to be one flesh

54:13

Sexual intimacy is that is As I said the sine qua non of what makes that marriage a marriage

54:20

You are one you're not two there Jesus says therefore. They are no longer two, but they are one if you are one

54:27

Coming up and giving your wife a hug you shouldn't consign a consent waiver for that right

54:33

That's natural you're to become one coming up giving your wife a kiss on the cheek that should be

54:38

Completely natural a lot of this stuff should be put in the same kind of category

54:44

Just perfectly natural. I don't have authority over my body you have authority over my body. I'm here for you

54:51

We're one flesh. We're no longer two right this isn't the language of personal autonomy So in that kind of context then what you're describing is well, what?

55:01

What are these conjugal rights? What is a conjugal right? Why does he use the language of conjugal rights as Christians?

55:09

We're not really presupposed to treat the language of conjugal rights as rights at all You think about it as anything, but a right and if you do think about it as a right

55:20

Then you're quick to follow that up with well of course all Christians should lay down their rights But that's not what this language means

55:29

Okay, the conjugal right is a right It's not a privilege it's a right

55:35

Why would it be a right well because what is marriage go back to what is marriage marriages to becoming one?

55:42

You no longer have authority over your body because you're one that's what marriage is to become one no longer have authority around body

55:51

So the issue then is like you should not read the phrase do not deprive one another

55:58

In the way that suggests how can I retain my own personal autonomy? retain the authority

56:04

I have over my own body and Selectively give it out to the other person as infrequent as possible

56:15

In order to you know basically not be held guilty of depriving that's not really the right way to view this

56:20

The issue is if you refuse like the temptation like there's going to be a temptation coming from as well that temptation is going to Be to break your marriage covenant by refusing to provide sexual satisfaction

56:30

That's going to be a temptation you actually have so the temptation that you have is to treat these conjugal rights as privileges

56:36

To retain personal bodily autonomy and basically just selectively withhold this gift to your partner

56:44

Now there's something crazy about this okay, now. I mean there's something crazy about this take a step back and think about how crazy this is

56:51

For a second please like think about it this way if if a husband if a husband

57:02

If a wife were to be mean to a husband And husband says well, I guess I'm just not going to provide for you today.

57:08

I'm not going to work would that be right? No, I'd be kind of crazy.

57:15

I mean it'd be kind of crazy. Just say hey Yeah, you know what you weren't you're a little bit mean to me, so yeah,

57:20

I'm not going to go to work today well because there's certain roles that God holds the man to That don't depend on the performance of the other person do they right there's certain roles that the man depends upon so She has a right in marriage like there's certain commitments that are made in the context of marriage

57:41

Man is committing to the woman to be a protector to be a provider to be a leader God's going to judge him on the Basis of his roles no matter what the woman does

57:49

She may do a variety of things that make it to where he resents his role He still is going to be held accountable to his role

57:56

And whatever is owed to that woman is owed to that woman by nature of the covenant that they made irrespective of How she performs right so when you think about this as it relates to this topic?

58:11

certainly, there's any number of things that a person can do Which would make it difficult to?

58:22

want to surrender can Surrender control of yourself in this way

58:29

But that doesn't mean that any of them are good and in fact, I'm we're so far on the other end of these things right now that it's

58:38

Embarrassing we've lost the notion of conjugal rights this phrase doesn't exist in our vocabulary.

58:43

We're tempted to treat it as a Muslim thing Not as a Christian thing and if we do treat it as anything that has any kind of teeth at all then we're

58:55

We think that our basic temptations at that point are to be tyrannical and to be overly crazy, but what is marriage supposed to be?

59:04

Well think about this next temptation that the fall introduces. It's the temptation to refuse to find sexual satisfaction in marriage

59:13

What is Proverb 519 says say it says a lovely dear graceful doe Let her breast fill you at all times with delight be intoxicated always in your love in her love

59:23

Why should you be intoxicated my son with the forbidden woman and embrace the bosom of adulteress? I?

59:30

Would think that most Christians today would probably read that as let her breast fill you once a month once a week with delight

59:40

That's not really the picture of marital intimacy you read through the Song of Songs you read through Proverbs 519

59:46

You read through 1st Corinthians 7 it's better to marry than to burn Marriage shouldn't be a picture of some person burning with unmet sexual desire

59:56

The fact that it is that way for so many people is a shame That marriage is a picture of burning with sexual desire

01:00:05

That God think about it. God has made People put these desires within them

01:00:12

He's told them to find fulfillment of these desires in the context of marriage and for so many people

01:00:20

That's really not the situation that they find themselves in they're looking to marriage as an outlet as a fix as a help

01:00:26

And what they end up finding in marriage is marriage is a picture of two autonomous people with their consent waivers you know that Keeping each other at a distance where they come to expect that everything must be perfect in order to Find satisfaction in someone that's not the biblical picture.

01:00:46

That's really not the biblical picture and all the people

01:00:53

I've counseled there's only been one situation where the wife was somewhat exasperated with the

01:01:00

Husband for wanting to have daily intimacy with her And I would say that he is probably a little bit stubborn stubborn and pig -headed in certain ways

01:01:10

But I don't know that I think that there's some crazy sin involved in a husband looking to his wife daily

01:01:18

In light of Proverbs 5 19 so there was Problems on both of those ends.

01:01:25

I mean that was the only situation. I know of where anyone's ever come to me with with Concerns about the husband being too infrequent are too frequent

01:01:35

And I have a hard time saying oh man, thank you, we need it

01:01:45

Really get on this guy for Looking to her with that level of frequency.

01:01:50

I mean for the most part. We're we're way on the other end now I mean obviously I understand when you're living in a fallen world right now and porn use is ubiquitous.

01:01:58

It's a bit ubiquitous in marriage I understand that men are violating their covenant in ways that are pretty scandalous, and I understand and I'm not sure the church is treating those kind of infractions with the level of seriousness they deserve

01:02:14

Which can lead to some of these things So if a man is looking to a wife and dissatisfied with her availability while looking to others online

01:02:22

For their availability then because they are available then Now certainly he is a hypocrite and he has no room to stand there

01:02:31

But certainly these things are big problems in the church today, and we don't treat marriage as Something that's actually supposed to be a natural

01:02:46

Channeling of sexual desire into This covenant relationship so notice what

01:02:52

Proverbs 5 19 says again a lovely dear graceful Do let her breast fail you at all times with delight be intoxicated always in her love

01:02:58

Why should you be intoxicated my son with a forbidden woman embrace the bosom of adultery the issue is it's not just saying like If you struggle with sexual temptation just deal with it right that's not what it's saying

01:03:13

It's saying channel that sexual desire into marriage Which is given to you for good and it's mean it's a means of protection from immorality

01:03:22

And that's exactly what 1st Corinthians 7 says It says do not deprive one another except perhaps by agreement for a limited time that you may devote yourself to prayer

01:03:31

But then come again together So that Satan may not tempt you because your lack of into self -control

01:03:37

If you don't come together on a regular basis you are opening yourself up to temptation that the

01:03:43

Bible says you're going to open yourself up to It's utterly foolish to think about the nature of the way in which you're made and sit on that permanently forever and Just grit your teeth and white -knuckle grip and try to ignore your biology

01:04:00

That's not what the Bible is suggesting that we do and and if more people understood this that would drive them to get married quicker

01:04:08

Quit being so picky get married quicker Not just wait a decade and a half

01:04:15

Trying to find some perfect person who's never going to bring any problems into your life The issue is

01:04:21

God is telling you you're made for a purpose Marriage procreation sex you're made for these purposes your biology screams here made for these purposes

01:04:30

He tells you that should drive you to marriage which is going to be the lawful outlet from it what

01:04:35

Satan wants you to do Is he wants you to ignore the lawful outlet of it burn with desire indefinitely forever and Then just fall prey to sexual sin after sexual sin after sexual sin

01:04:47

Be weighed down by guilt and shame and condemnation and then as you're being weighed down by sexual sin Then you're gonna take all that into marriage and that's gonna drive a further wedge in between you

01:04:56

Like that's his plan for you his plan for you is to basically tell you sex outside of marriage is good.

01:05:01

That's a lie When you're gonna fall prey to that lie And then you're gonna think sex inside marriage is boring and who needs it and everything else and to the extent to which you were

01:05:12

Weighed down by lust before marriage what's going to happen is you take that lust into your marriage and you're gonna find no delight in your spouse

01:05:19

Okay, like that's the way it works Your biology tells you you're made for a purpose marriage is designed to be the fulfillment of that purpose

01:05:25

You should be looking to your marriage to be a fulfillment of that purpose. You should be understanding that that If you're a woman here today, you should be understanding that I Am here to provide

01:05:39

Satisfaction to a husband that's part of what marriage actually is I'm going to be a source of relief from temptation towards him

01:05:48

I'm not going to be looking to this first in terms of what I need out of this I'm looking to it as to what

01:05:54

I'm made to do and these things are somewhat different, right? So 10 to 20 times testosterone that means that someone like you enter into marriage

01:06:02

You should know and someone should have told you by now You should know that there's going to be massive differences in desire

01:06:10

And the Bible's solution to that is not just to say take it, you know Take these massive differences and go to the lowest common denominator and that's how frequent you are.

01:06:20

That's really not the way it works There's gonna have to be some kind of meeting somewhere here. Okay?

01:06:28

Marriage is not meant to be a place where both people are burning with passion One or both people are burning with passion to the extent to which they are

01:06:36

That is generally an indictment on the love of the other person. So we talked about sex being created as good

01:06:48

Nakedness and marriage is supposed to be shame without shame falls introduced trials and temptations into this.

01:06:55

What did Jesus do? Genesis 3 21 The Lord God made for Adam and his wife garments of skin and clothed them and Man and woman there are first parents.

01:07:09

They rejected God's commands. They did what they they did what he told them not to do

01:07:16

The experience of that they did receive the knowledge of good and evil their eyes were open they knew they were no longer innocent

01:07:23

They were exposed They were they realized that they were fallen

01:07:30

They were guilt they filled with guilt shame condemnation They had an impulse to clothe themselves.

01:07:37

What does God do God steps in and kills some animals In order to provide garments of skin for them and clothe them.

01:07:47

That's what he did In order to cover their shame this God God prepared a sacrifice for them and we know that this sacrifice of these animals in order to clothe them

01:07:59

Ultimately points to what we get in Jesus Jesus died on the cross To cover our nakedness to cover our shame

01:08:06

To give us his righteousness as a free gift that we don't deserve This topic this topic

01:08:14

It doesn't it does not have to be fundamentally broken God has come to provide a solution to us in Jesus Christ Yes, it's true.

01:08:25

It doesn't matter what you've done Jesus can redeem these areas of your life

01:08:32

That should not be heard as the old preachers Said in such a way as to not allow us to make warnings.

01:08:41

Okay If you don't obey what you were designed to do and you put it off indefinitely forever

01:08:47

You are introducing trials into your life and you may deal with those consequences Pretty long and I'm not here today to say that there will be no consequences.

01:08:57

It's all going to be easy It won't it probably won't but you know what?

01:09:03

If you're in that if you're not in that situation, let me warn you don't go down that road if you're already in that situation

01:09:11

Here's the thing Jesus sent down on the cross In order to provide an answer for your shame to give you his righteousness as a free gift

01:09:21

His righteousness that you don't deserve and can't earn. You know what? It does no good

01:09:26

To say that because I've made mistakes in the past. I'm gonna be disobedient in the future indefinitely and that's just my cross to bear

01:09:34

That's not the way it works. You can be obedient today. God. There's no temptation that's overtaking you Common demand

01:09:39

God's faithful. He won't allow you to be tempted beyond your ability with that temptation You'll provide a way of escape that you may bear it

01:09:45

The issue is today you can live for him today and he's given you everything He you need to live for him today and honor you

01:09:51

Honor him with his purposes in your life today on the basis of what Jesus has done for them

01:09:58

Like God, here's the point. God has made you He's filled you with certain desires

01:10:05

Filled you with a certain hormones. He's directed those things towards these basic realities of marriage procreation sex

01:10:15

We deny these things to our peril. Amen Let's pray. Lord we do thank you for the time we had today to think about what your word has to say about this topic

01:10:27

But thank you for what you've done sending Jesus down the cross for us Pray that as a people

01:10:34

We will remember your sacrifice and know that you are the one who has ultimately provided an answer to guilt and shame

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You created marriage as a gift and as a blessing for us and we don't have to experience it simply as a curse

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We thank you that you've done for us what we couldn't do and we ask that you help us to look to you as our example