If TV Dads were Churches

I don't object to fun. I love fun. In fact, I'm the grand funk master of fun. But I don't need to take a drink to have a good time. And neither do you.

All right, girls, we've decided to have mercy. Say you're sorry.

And I love you.

And hug it out.

Festivus begins with the airing of grievances.

I got a lot of problems with you people. Now, you're gonna hear about it.

Without our government, you'd be stuck in Siberia now, sucking the juice from a rotten commie potato.

The school where you got your degree?

Humble Brothers, please.

Penn State, my brother.

Good school. I was thinking of going there if my scholarship to Princeton, Yale, Wharton, and Talladega Tech had fallen through.

This is how we testify.

Raise him!

Can't you see you're not making Christianity better? You're just making rock and roll worse. I now call to order this meeting of no man. National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood.

So let's celebrate. Put on your Sunday best, kids. We're going to Sears.

Oh, Lord!

See, Beaver, some of the homeliest people in the world have done the greatest things.

I'm not just some trophy wife.

You're a trophy wife?

What contest in hell did I win?

If the U .S. government decides to stick a tracking device up your a**, you say, thank you, and God bless America.