Men Are From Earth/Women Are From Earth: Deal With It!

Bethlehem Bible Church

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October 29, 2006

00:00: How many people were at the conference yesterday were you encouraged convicted
00:07: Great Well before we pray for this morning for those of you that Don't know anything about our guest speaker today and guest preacher.
00:18: I Am proud to say dr. Aiken has been one of my professors at Southern Seminary. He's now the president of Southeastern Seminary Author of many books
00:31: And I love dr. Aiken because he is a preacher. He's an expositor He wants to preach the whole
00:36: Council of God yesterday, we went to a little farm stand for lunch, and then we went to the
00:42: Louisa May Alcott house the little women house And I also like dr. Aiken because he and I could identify
00:49: Or should I say not identify with the whole experience the ladies love the little women thing and the guys we were just standing in the back thinking about the transcendentalists and It's very interesting
01:02: Dr. Aiken will be speaking today at Sunday school, and then he'll be preaching at the main service as well And it's just been a real joy for our congregation to have you here.
01:10: I've heard many good reports dr. Aiken Probably the best conference we've had here at the church, so thank you very much
01:16: Glad Charlotte his wife is here as well been married 28 years and four grown sons
01:22: Who loved the Lord in their ministry, and let's just pray before dr. Aiken comes Father thank you for this morning
01:30: Thank you that your mercies are new every morning that you've been faithful while we've been sleeping We're thankful that we have a new day to worship you
01:38: Specifically the Lord's Day the day that Jesus Christ was raised from the dead to confirm his great work at Calvary The day that he ascended into heaven the day that the
01:47: Apostles met to break bread and sing praises And to listen from the apostolic teachings and father we would ask this morning that you'd help dr.
01:56: Aiken to be clear may have boldness and as Paul prayed in Ephesians 6 may he preach and speak as he ought to And may they be the oracles of God we pray that you'd encourage the
02:06: Aiken family in their ministry you'd give dr. Aiken wisdom as the president of Southeastern and may you bless his ministry there in Jesus name
02:14: Amen Well Thank you for being here this morning, and it is good to see all of you
02:26: Let me invite you to take your Bible and join me in the book the song of Solomon chapter 2 and verse 15 song of Solomon God's manual for marriage, and if you have a copy of the
02:39: Material that we used yesterday. I'm on the 23rd page now if you were not here, and you're not have it Don't be distressed.
02:44: I'll be very simple and concise and the things that I'm saying But page 23 will provide a study outline that we will walk through John Gray became an overnight millionaire and household name
03:02: When he authored the book men are from Mars and women are from Venus And the reason that John Gray became an instant millionaire and a household name is because he struck a chord
03:15: That resonates within the heart of all of us who are married and that chord is this
03:21: Men and women are different They think differently They see things differently even from the time.
03:29: They're small you watch a little girl you watch a little boy. Oh, they're radically different They're radically different in the way.
03:36: They do virtually Everything and so John Gray pointed out that yes we are it's it's like we're from different planets men from Mars and women from Venus and His point is well taken
03:48: But his analogy is false Because men are not from Mars and women are not from Venus We are from the same planet furthermore when we get married we now live in the same house
04:04: We sleep in the same bed We try to negotiate the same closet and yes, we try to negotiate the same bathroom and I will say to you that whoever came up with the two sink bathroom has saved many a marriage
04:21: Because at least he has his and she has hers. Although actually that's not true either
04:26: I would think you know in my own house that if there are two sinks in there, there's this
04:32: Imaginary dividing line right slap dab in the middle. That means she has her side
04:38: I have my side but on occasions that's right wrong because on occasions I find her stuff
04:46: On the left side of my sink, and I'm wondering how did it get up? Well, no,
04:51: I know how it got over there I'm just wondering why it's over there. And so I will say well, sweetheart.
04:57: You've got something over here and she'll say I know And I would say something like but that's my side
05:06: And she just says I know And so I just have come to realize at the 28 -year mark.
05:12: It's not a big deal Now there's some people that will get in knock down Drag out brutal brawls.
05:19: They won't talk to each other for days. Why well She left her curling iron on the left side of my sink
05:25: Do you realize how dumb that is? You realize how foolish that is and yet I've seen many a couple in marriage counseling
05:33: Talk to me about the things that put them at a crisis in their marriage and it is things
05:38: Exactly like that and you know what God saw this Because in the Song of Solomon and I don't normally use just a single verse, but that's what
05:47: I'm going to do today There's a verse here in chapter 2 verse 15 that has incredible wisdom for marriage
05:55: And here's what Solomon said Catch us the foxes the little foxes that spoil the vines for our vines have
06:04: Tender grapes now you read that and you say my goodness that has nothing to do with marriage and the answer is no it has everything to do with marriage because Solomon is using an analogy from the
06:17: Rural world in which he lived in which his wife came and he is pointing out that a marriage can be compared
06:25: To a vineyard now a vineyard if it's going to bear fruit and in this particular case
06:30: It's going to have a good harvest of grapes. It has to be tilled and it has to be cared for But it also has to be
06:38: Protected why? Because in ancient Israel little foxes were especially fond of grapes
06:46: Now foxes if you've ever studied them, you know that they are not often seen because they are small
06:53: They are quick and they are sly and so they seldom come out during the daytime
06:58: No, they do most of their activity at night and so what would happen is they would come out at night and if you had not put in barriers if you were not
07:07: Protecting your vineyard the little foxes would get into the vineyard and they would eat the grapes
07:13: So that when it came time for you to have a harvest there would be nothing on The vines and what
07:19: Solomon was saying is this most marriages do not get in trouble over big things most marriages get in trouble over little things the little foxes that slip into that relationship and Destroy the tender fabric of your marriage
07:37: And so what I want to do this morning is using the Word of God again in its comprehensive Kind of a way point out to you some of the more common little foxes
07:47: That afflict marriages today and that you and I need to be on guard against we need to be
07:54: Proactive here and have up barriers that will keep these particular foxes from ever slipping in to our relationships the first one
08:03: I Call the Fox of role reversal or maybe even better than that the
08:08: Fox of gender Confusion because you see a marriage will get in trouble when
08:14: God's role for the husband and the wife is either reversed or Abused you see
08:21: Genesis teaches us and indeed our understanding of marriage and family Must go back to the original creation in Genesis 1 and Genesis 2 and it's interesting a number of scholars
08:33: Have pointed out that when you read the Song of Solomon You really get the impression that he is almost talking about marriage the way it was before Sin ever entered into the world now that may be in part correct
08:47: But I also think that Song of Solomon anticipates what Paul gives us in Ephesians 5
08:53: Because in Ephesians 5 you see a man and a woman in Christ You see a man and a woman filled with the
09:00: Spirit you see a man and a woman Placing the needs of the other ahead of themselves. What you see is a restored relationship.
09:07: You see paradise regained in Ephesians chapter 5 and so in the
09:12: Song of Solomon you have this very high lofty idealistic view of marriage that which we are trying to achieve and so what you discover is
09:21: Genesis 1 and 2 are kind of lurking throughout the book. They're always it's always just in near sight
09:27: It's always close at hand. It's just under the surface. And so what do we learn from Genesis God made us in the beginning?
09:35: male and Female which means simply this God made men to be husbands and fathers and God made women to be wives and mothers and No one is as good at being a husband and a father as is a man
09:54: And no one is as good at being a wife and a mother as is a woman and yet if we get that Confused we will find trouble in our marriage now.
10:04: I understand how it works today. We are told men That we need to be more gentle.
10:10: We're told today that we need to get in touch with our feminine side
10:16: Like I tell you something guys. I ain't got no feminine side. Now. I know that's not good grammar, but it's true
10:22: I ain't got no feminine side. I married one. I sleep beside her every night. That's the only feminine side
10:29: I have It is the only one that I want to you see
10:34: God made me to be a man and I am proud of The fact that I am a masculine creature as every man should be just as a woman
10:42: Should be proud of the fact that she is a feminine creature because that is the way God made us
10:49: So men need to be real men real men of God and women need to be real women real
10:56: Women of God and so if the roles get reversed your marriage will get in trouble
11:01: But if the roles get abused you see we have learned from our study this weekend that God clearly has called men to a leadership assignment in the home
11:12: But gentlemen, you do not find in the Bible an analogy or a model along the lines of a frustrated drill sergeant
11:20: You're not called to be the the president or the CEO of your family
11:26: You're not to be some type of knuckle -dragging Neanderthal with a club over one shoulder dragging his wife by the nap of her hair on the other.
11:35: No, no, no, no in the Bible you find the models of a shepherd and Of a servant and of course
11:43: Jesus says of himself the Good Shepherd that he will lay down his life for his sheep by analogy a good shepherd of his family
11:52: Would also be willing to lay down his life for his wife and for his children
11:58: Several years ago when I was living in Dallas We I was teaching at a college and we would have a day to honor all the women
12:05: Especially the women that were at that time working to put their husbands through school
12:11: And so we would provide child care and we would allow them to go to classes We'd had a special chapel service and then we'd have a luncheon
12:19: That would be for the women just to honor them and I would always bring in a speaker that I thought would be a particular
12:27: Blessing to them. And so on this occasion boy the day had gone great. I had a speaker who was one of the best -known
12:34: OBGYNs in the Dallas area a godly godly man who actually teaches in the seminary today and So we had a lunch for the ladies and he was speaking and it just went great
12:43: I mean it could not have gone better. In fact, it went so well Without anyone really noticing we went a little over time
12:51: Well at about oh, I don't know ten minutes past the time that we were going to quit
12:56: We're about to wind it down One of my students came to a door like over there and he got his wife's attention by doing this
13:11: She turned blood -red in the face Tears begin to run down her face
13:18: She quickly gathered her stuff together and like a little scared mice Runs over to her husband
13:27: Even today even right now My hair is raising on the back of my neck and my face is getting hot because it makes me mad
13:34: Well, God is gracious and good That student happened to be in my 8 o 'clock class the next day
13:44: And I promise you before the Lord what I'm about to tell you is exactly how I said it and understand
13:49: I did have on that occasion a Brother -in -law who was a former undercover drug detective in Atlanta that is 6 1 2 75 and his bench 505 and squatted over 8
14:00: He's a good -sized fella and he was sitting in the class as well And so I said yesterday one of you came to our
14:11: Luncheon and you snapped your fingers and thumbed your wife out of the room and I want to tell you something
14:18: You are a first -class jerk You are a disaster as a husband.
14:26: I Suspect that you are a failure as a father. I know that you will be of no good in ministry
14:33: So I want to ask you to do all of the world a favor and leave my class
14:39: Go downstairs See the registrar Withdraw from class and go home because I don't want you graduating from here
14:48: And I sure don't want you going into the ministry because we don't need any jerks like you in the ministry and if you don't like what
14:55: I just said, I Will be here when this class is over and if I can't whip your tail, my brother -in -law will take you down Now you say what happened
15:07: I don't know he didn't come up He did disappear. I don't remember him being around much longer after that and I don't know what the reason was
15:16: But I suspect it didn't have anything to do with my throwing down the gauntlet but it probably had to do with the fact that his marriage was in serious trouble and It's pretty hard to maintain any type of credibility in preparing for ministry when your marriage is a disaster
15:32: Gentlemen what would ever possess a man in a public setting of all things to snap his fingers at his wife and thumb her out of a room
15:41: Not anything that has to do with God And so you may think in some conservatives sometimes think that being the the leader of the home means being this kind of hard autocratic ruler
15:52: No, it doesn't There's no model in the Bible of a dictator when it comes to what a husband and a father is to be
16:01: So we need to understand. Yes, we are to be strong masculine men but strong masculine men that are tempered by the
16:10: Redeeming grace of God and the filling of the ministry of the Holy Spirit Secondly, there's what
16:17: I call the Fox of intimacy stagnation You see a marriage will get in trouble when that initial sensual love fails to develop into true intimacy
16:25: I shared with you all playfully yesterday But truthfully that I got married when
16:30: I was 21 and my wife was 19 and the primary reason why I married her is
16:36: That she looked good She has big brown eyes and beautiful brunette hair.
16:43: She's got a gorgeous face I like the rest of her too, and I kept thinking Hugging her and squeezing her and chasing her around the house for the rest of my life will be good and if I have to do it in a
16:54: With a with a with a wheelchair when I get old, I'll still try to track her down And so I just thought you know, this would be fun and this would be wise and furthermore.
17:03: She was nice She was a nice person to be around now. You might say to me.
17:08: Well, you know, that's so immature And that is so juvenile and you know that you would marry her because she looked good and you know
17:16: Well, did you marry your wife because you thought she was ugly? Yeah, then I was looking for the ugliest woman in town and I found her
17:24: No, no, no, no, no, you didn't do that either No You you married her because you thought she looked good and you thought she was nice and you obviously thought she would be a good
17:34: Person to be at your side for the rest of your life You didn't say, you know, actually I was looking for the one person that would make me miserable for all of my no
17:42: No, you do the same thing. You did the same thing that I did because when you're that young You're not really capable of much more than that.
17:51: I mean, let's just be honest You're just not now. My point is this stay with me If you asked me, did you love
17:59: Charlotte when you got married? Oh, yes I think I loved her as much as a 21 year old can love anybody
18:06: But you see if I tell you I loved her then and I tell you I love her today.
18:12: It doesn't communicate I have to do something like this. Yes. I loved her when we got married
18:19: But I really Really really love her today.
18:24: In fact, I would say to you this morning I didn't know that you could love a human being as much as I love my wife
18:30: I did not know then that that kind of love even existed and I suspect if God is gracious When we're in our 60s or 70s, or if he's so good in our 80s
18:41: I'll look back and say you know what when I was 49 I Didn't really know what love was
18:46: I? Today Really have a comprehension of what this is all about You see again?
18:54: What did I say yesterday was the most important thing you can do in your relationship with your mate?
18:59: It is that you would grow to be one another's very best Friend and when you become one another's very best friend that intimacy will not stagnate
19:11: But it will go deeper and it will go broader and wider than you could ever ever
19:16: Imagine in fact, I am convinced. Nothing is more crucial to a growing intimacy with your mate than You're being one another's very best friend number three the
19:31: Fox of poor communication Or I have there the Fox of silence and stonewalling, but actually it should be the
19:38: Fox of poor Communication if you work your way through the eight chapters of the song of Solomon You'll discover that Solomon and Shulamite are very very
19:47: Shulamith are very very good at talking to each other in fact there are occasions where it seems like they're trying to outdo one another in praising and honoring and extolling the other and so Communication is a very foundation of what helps them build this wonderful love relationship in the eight chapters of this book
20:08: When I do premarital counseling, I will tell the couple that there's no question that the most crucial thing in Terms of the health of their marriage as far as everyday practical issues is
20:22: Communication. In fact, if you talk to any marriage counselor, they will tell you that the big five
20:29: Issues that every marriage has to negotiate throughout its duration are and in this order communication
20:37: Finances sex children and in -laws and those are the big five communication
20:44: Finances your intimate life your children and your in -laws and here's the deal guys.
20:50: Listen to me if your in -law Situation becomes problematic or the way you are rearing your children becomes
20:59: Problematic or your intimate life breaks down or never develops into all that God intended or you get in financial trouble
21:06: You mark it down. It will be because communication broke down Now again,
21:14: I realized that God made women as Communicating creatures. I mean you are verbal animals.
21:20: It's amazing to watch women when it comes to their ability to generate words I know that some of you men
21:25: You're not even we have to pull your mouth open to see if there really is a tongue in there because you hardly ever talk and I know that you feel uncomfortable and when we get into those kind of face -to -face heart -to -heart
21:37: Conversations you just want to find some place to go. Well as I said yesterday, I'll say it again
21:43: It's time for the little boy to sit down and the man to stand up and whether you like doing it or not
21:49: Does not matter you have got to learn to be a good communicator Which by the way means guys and gals both the ability to talk
21:58: But also the ability to listen I Believe one of the missing arts in our day and age is the ability for people to be good listeners and to be a good listener you have to number one quit talking and number two you have to engage
22:17: John Gottman is not a Christian He is a research professor on the
22:23: West Coast But he is observed in kind of laboratory settings more couples engaging one another than any man on the planet and In his research he came out with a book
22:36: Wherein he described what he calls the four horsemen of the apocalypse that destroy marriages
22:45: Two of them are right there in your notes on page 23 Silence and stonewalling.
22:51: Let me give you the other two write these down with a pen or a pencil Criticism and contempt and he says there are the four horsemen of the apocalypse that destroy marriages silence stonewalling
23:06: Criticism contempt silence you won't talk you just absolutely refuse to engage your mate in Conversation stonewalling
23:16: There's an issue. There's a problem There's some kind of thing in your marriage you need to talk about and you just put it off put it off Put it off you erroneously think if we ignore it long enough.
23:30: It'll go away No, it won't It will only fester and get worse and so stonewalling does not resolve
23:41: Anything in fact, it is probably a major avenue for people developing what the
23:46: Bible calls a root of Bitterness and it is a cancer to your soul.
23:51: If you allow bitterness to take root in your soul, then there's criticism You for whatever reason just can't find anything good to say about your mate
24:02: The glass is always half empty You have what I call a partly cloudy
24:08: Disposition with thunderstorms always on the horizon. And so you just have this negative harsh perspective about everything and I will tell you it is again like a cancer to Your marriage.
24:23: I had a lady call me one day from Florida. I was living in Wake Forest at the time and she said
24:29: I've hired a lawyer and I am filing Divorce papers against my husband tomorrow, but a friend of mine asked me to call you
24:38: She says that you do marriage and family things and she just pled with me to call you that that maybe you could help
24:45: I doubt it But I'm calling and so I'm willing to listen
24:51: So I said, well, I don't know if I can help you or not. I will try Let me ask you a question
24:57: What seems from your perspective to be the problem in your marriage and she said my husband's a jerk
25:04: I Said okay That would be problematic, but it doesn't help me a whole lot.
25:10: So let me ask again in What particular ways is he a jerk and her response was in every way?
25:20: He is a jerk in every way Well That kind of made me mad
25:27: Because I have to defend the male species I know we're not easy to always defend but you know guys we got to stick together, you know
25:33: And so I'm thinking man, this isn't fair I mean, he may be a jerk in lots of ways, but I'm sure that he does something well
25:41: And so I said, well, you know, ma 'am, I'm just curious. I mean just to try real hard Can you think of anything he does well and she says
25:51: Yes, I Can think of two things he does. Well, that's what great this is progress.
25:57: I said tell me what he does. Well She says he's a heart surgeon In fact, he's a very good heart surgeon.
26:04: In fact, he is so good People come from all over the country and sometimes from other countries for my husband to perform surgery on their heart
26:14: She said because he's a good heart surgeon The second thing is he makes lots of money.
26:19: In fact We just moved into a 10 ,500 square foot home
26:26: Which is a monster house boys and girls but then she said but He never comes home and when he does
26:35: I can't find him. Hello We can all be counselors at this point can't we and so I uh,
26:46: I Because we're separated by hundreds of miles on the phone. I can be brave I don't have to worry about her coming over and beat me up or anything
26:52: So I I said well, I'm just curious Does your husband know that you think he's a jerk yes
27:01: So he knows that you don't think too highly of him. Oh, I tell him every chance I get To which
27:07: I said well ma 'am, I just need to say to you if I Happen to be Unfortunately married to a woman like you
27:14: I'd never come home either and I'd build the biggest house I could to because men can't stand to be around griping nagging whiny women.
27:25: Oh Yeah, it got real quiet. And then it got real loud And she starts firing back at me
27:31: Well, I don't appreciate you saying that and I'm calling you to try to get some help and you're just criticizing me You're making fun of me and I said well ma 'am.
27:37: I just want to say this to you my marriage is fine and yours isn't and I'm not looking to get a divorce, but you are and so Let me ask you another question, do you have any idea how you might be a blessing to your husband?
27:53: No, and I said well Do you think it might at least be worth your? Knowing well,
27:59: I guess and I said well, let me give you an example Your husband is wired by God in such a way that you can really bless him
28:07: By your admiration and respect she started laughing She said well, that's the last thing
28:12: I have for him I said yes, and that's why your marriage is virtually in the tank.
28:19: I said I Set a trap She stepped into it magnificently.
28:25: I Said would you say that 90 % of the problems in your marriage or your husband's fault?
28:32: Well, she jumped like a Junebug. Yes 90 % is his fault.
28:37: I said fine Then that means 10 % is whose fault Dead silence again
28:46: And I said ma 'am, you know, we usually operate with a hundred percent And even
28:51: I know if you take 90 from 100 You still got 10 and if 90 is his fault, then that must mean 10 % is like your fault
29:00: She finally said well, I guess and I said well, here's the deal then we've made some progress believe it or not.
29:08: I Said number one. I can't help your husband because I'm not talking to him Number two, you can't change your husband.
29:17: I'm sure you figure that out by now or at least you should have number three You can't change the 90 % that hit that is his fault but you can sure work on the 10 % that's your fault and Rather than harping on all the things your husband doesn't do well
29:34: Why don't you begin to look at the things you're not doing well, and I just shared one of them with you
29:39: You never praise him you show him no respect Obviously you don't submit to his leadership in the home
29:46: And I said there are a number of things you could do on your end that might really make an impact
29:52: And I promise you if you do it as under the Lord God will honor this. I Prayed with her we hung up.
29:58: I've never heard from her people always want to know what happened. I don't know My suspicion is not good
30:06: Because if something really wonderful would have happened, I'm just certain that she would have called back to tell me
30:11: I say all that to say this Criticism is Deadly to a marriage, but it's worse than that when you get to contempt
30:19: Because as Gottman says contempt basically says to your mate. You're not even worth having a fight with You're not even worth taking any trouble to engage
30:29: Your pastor will tell you if a couple comes into his office for marriage counseling and they are fighting like a cat and a dog
30:37: There's hope There's hope at least they care enough to fight about it But if they come in like a couple did in my office one day
30:45: And I mean he was kind of like the Sphinx and she was the ice queen I mean she was as cold as ice and finally
30:54: I looked at her and I said I'm just curious. You just seem to basically say you don't care at all about this relationship any longer
31:00: What if your husband were to leave our meeting today and go out and have an affair with another woman?
31:06: What would your response be and she did not blink. She did not change the look on her face
31:12: She simply said I hope he has a good time They didn't make it
31:18: They are divorced and you see when you allow these things silence stonewalling
31:25: Criticism contempt to get into your relationship You are absolutely headed toward disaster in marriage communication good healthy positive affirming
31:39: Truthful loving communication is absolutely essential for a healthy marriage
31:45: Number four the Fox of time ill -spent You see a marriage will get in trouble
31:51: When forces outside the marriage are allowed to encroach on that all -important time that the two of you need alone
31:58: To build and maintain a healthy relationship One of the things I love about the song of Solomon is that after they're married in chapter 4 1 through 5 1 they have a fight
32:08: They have a bad night in chapter 5 verse 2 through verse 8 But then because they care about each other they move to reconcile their relationship and there's a wonderful reconciliation
32:19: That takes place beginning like chapter 5 verse 9 going all the way through chapter 7 and even into chapter 8 and part of the way that they reconcile is that Shulamite says to Solomon on one occasion.
32:32: We just need to get out of the city We just you need to quit playing the king and we just need to get away and go away and just be alone
32:40: In fact, if you were to look at chapter 7 and verse 10, here's what she says
32:45: I am my beloved's and his desire is toward me. I'm the only woman at this particular time in his life
32:52: We know later. He messed it all up. And at the end he writes Ecclesiastes It's basically saying trial the women in the world.
32:58: It's vanity. It's all vanity But when he stayed with one woman, it was glorious and a blessing
33:05: So what is Sheila might say to him verse 11 of chapter 7 come my beloved Let us go forth to the field.
33:11: Let us lodge in the villages Let us get up early to the vineyards and let us see if the vine is budded the grapes blossoms and so on in there
33:19: I will give you my love. So what she says is look, let's get away Because we need some time alone just for the two of us
33:30: Now guys and gals I become convinced of something that is without any equivocation in my mind. Absolutely So in the day and age in which we live especially here in America The most valuable commodity any one of us has in this room is time time
33:50: Everybody in here can find a way To make more money you can
33:56: I have to work more hours take on another job, but you can find a way to make more money None of us can find a way to make more time
34:05: You and I think about this are just as rich as Bill Gates When it comes to time
34:13: So you spend it here You don't get to spend it anywhere else Now, I don't know about you, but I know in my own life.
34:21: I have to really take control of my schedule I have to and I sometimes do well and sometimes I do poorly
34:27: But I realized if I don't set my schedule other people will set it for me It also means at least for me and especially when our boys were a bit younger getting out a calendar
34:37: Calling their coaches and trying to get their football schedule and their soccer schedule and especially their basketball schedule as early as I possibly could and if I found out that I had a
34:49: Speaking engagement that conflicted with a basketball game now you listen to me I would call that church and ask for permission to change the speaking engagement so I could go to my kids basketball game
35:00: You say that's not very spiritual. I think it's the most spiritual thing I could have done I'll tell you something folks.
35:07: Listen to me There are lots of guys and don't you misunderstand? I think the greatest calling in life is to be a preacher of the gospel
35:14: But there are lots of guys that can preach the gospel There's one man on the planet
35:20: Who can be the husband of Charlotte and the daddy of Nathan and Jonathan and Paul and Timothy and that's me
35:28: And if I'm not there Then their daddy is not there
35:34: My twins were seniors we lived in Louisville We had two 12th graders a ninth grader and an eighth grader
35:40: All of them were outstanding basketball players in high school one played division one basketball for three years
35:46: We went that year to 72 basketball games between November the 25th and February the 28th 72 that is a college season double
36:00: That's an NBA season minus ten games not including the playoffs. That is a lot of basketball games
36:07: We saw ninety four five percent of them You say well, which ones did you miss the ones that were at the same time in different places?
36:14: And so daddy would go to one mom would go to the other but we went to all those basketball games
36:20: And in fact when my youngest son was a senior and I did not say this this morning to get one of these I just say it as a testimony that I hope will make an impact especially on some of you men
36:31: I got a call one day from a friend that works in Washington and he said hey,
36:36: I am putting together a group of pastors that have the opportunity to go to the
36:42: White House and We're gonna meet with the president now. I don't think it was like me and George in the
36:47: Oval Office It's gonna be me and about 400 others. Okay, but still I've never been to the White House I've never seen
36:54: George except on TV I've never seen any presence up on TV. And so he said would you like to be a part of this and I said, yeah
37:01: Yeah, I'd like to go up there I'd check out to see how George and Laura spending my tax dollars and if they're keeping the
37:07: White House like they all so yeah I I'd like to go. He said great. I'm gonna put you down.
37:12: Here's the date and I said well Let me just check my calendar Got my calendar out looked at it got back on the phone.
37:18: I said, you know, I am I can't do it. I Can't come He said why not?
37:25: That's why I have a previous engagement that I just cannot get out of and he actually a little indignant with me
37:30: He said you you can't move this thing and I said no He said are you sure?
37:35: You may never get a chance to do this again. I said well, I realize that But no, I I can't I can't move this engagement.
37:41: He said well, that's fine. And he hung up the phone I mean just kind of ticked Now you said well, what was the engagement? My son
37:48: Timothy who was a senior in high school had a basketball game and you say you would rather go to a basketball game a high school basketball game and Watch your son play ball then go to the
38:02: White House any day every day Now I never said anything to Timothy But his mother did
38:10: And he came up to me later and he said did you have a chance to go? Yes well, why didn't you go and I said because I would rather watch you play basketball and I'll tell you something folks about a little over three years ago on February the 28th
38:28: When the buzzer sounded at Eastern High School in Louisville, Kentucky And my son lost a playoff basketball game it hit me when that buzzer sounded you have just watched the last high school
38:40: Basketball game you will ever watch any of your sons play in for the rest of your life.
38:46: They're all gone. I Will never have any of them back You say you think it made an impact upon your kids?
38:54: Yeah, I did. I Think it helped them understand that their dad loved them that their dad was committed to them and that they had a priority in my
39:03: Life above virtually every other thing other than the Lord Jesus Christ and their mother
39:09: And guys won't tell you some of you are playing the fool You're giving your best time to things that in the long run
39:18: Really don't matter They don't
39:23: They don't and so all of us need to kind of do an inventory of this very valuable commodity that I have
39:30: Called time and I need to be asking myself Am I giving this very valuable thing to those things that really truly do?
39:40: matter most Fox number five the Fox of outside interference
39:45: You see a marriage gets in trouble when real and personal needs are being met more and more outside the marriage this
39:52: Unfortunately is the Fox that opens the door to a tragic thing a terrible thing called
39:59: Adultery now if you have the notes if you look over on page 24 You will see there that I have given you a list of about nine warning signs of Infidelity, I'll note them very quickly.
40:10: If you don't have the notes This is being taped and they can get you a copy of this. I Hate even talking about this
40:17: I do But again as I shared yesterday, this has become pandemic in the church today
40:24: Christians today are divorcing at the same Southern Baptist Southern Baptist divorce at the same rate as the secular culture that is a scandal to the gospel and immorality is
40:38: Rampant in both ministry and in the pews and that just doesn't need to be happening and part of it is we have unrealistic expectations about marriage
40:47: Secondly, we're just stupid We are just dumb and we do some really
40:54: Stupid dumb things that just go beyond any measure of reason especially
41:00: For someone that is living under the Lordship of Christ and committed to living out a biblical lifestyle
41:07: So you say well, what are some of the things we need to be on guard against? Well, I'll just know them very quickly They're on that page that feeling of going through the marriage motions
41:16: Your marriage is is boring your marriage is dull and you somehow deceive yourself into thinking.
41:24: I Have the right to be what happy Now folks,
41:29: I don't be mean this morning. I'll tell you something You cannot find in the Word of God anywhere where the
41:36: Bible says you have the right to be happy It is not there You have the right.
41:43: No, you have the obligation to be obedient You have the obligation to pursue holiness now
41:51: God promises you if you are obedient and you're pursuing his life
41:56: You will find joy and joy is much better than happy But we think
42:02: I have the right to be happy. I'm not happy here So I'll find happy somewhere else and then you crack the door for the potential of both adultery and divorce
42:13: Inventing excuses to visit someone of the opposite sex increasing male -female contacts in normal environments
42:21: Being preoccupied with thoughts about another person which by the way only you and God may know you may be so good at lying
42:28: Your mate doesn't know but you can't fool God God knows right now this morning If any one of you is giving too much mind time to someone that has no business being between your ears
42:42: Exchanging gifts with friends of the opposite sex making daily weekly contact with someone by phone
42:47: Putting yourself in a situation where a friend or employee Might become more having to touch embrace or glance at a person of the opposite sex
42:56: Spending time alone with any one of the opposite sex and in my notes I've added this phrase this includes the
43:03: Internet Me work backwards very quickly. Just give you some common -sense counsel here
43:08: First of all, if you have a computer in your home Put that thing in a public place
43:15: Where there is no capacity for there to be a shut or locked door So well, my kids have one in their bedroom
43:22: Will you tell them when they're on the computer that the bedroom door stays open? And if they try to lock it you break it down and you throw the computer out the window
43:31: It is your house, isn't it? I mean, I keep reminding my kids when they were growing up. They breathed my air
43:38: They drank my water. They used my electricity. They slept in my bed
43:43: They wore my oh, they thought they were their clothes. I was just loaning them to them Cuz I paid for all of it and I was they would grin and stuff
43:51: But I just said, you know guys, you know when you're the dad and you're the mom Well, not the mom, but when you're the dad, you can make the rules.
43:57: I'm the dad I'm making the rules and of course we'd have fun with it, but I would warn them I'd say guys, I don't have our computer in a place where I'm locked off from other people
44:05: No, no, no. No, the doors open people can walk in anytime and see what I'm doing and of course
44:12: We now know that the two breeding grounds for adultery are the workplace and the
44:18: Internet You say but Danny come on now you never touch embrace or glance the person of the opposite sex
44:25: Well, I'm a huggy person But I know how to hug and how not to hug and I know where my hands belong or my hands don't belong
44:32: Okay, you say you never ever like ever Make daily or weekly contact with someone by phone of the opposite sex other than Charlotte.
44:43: No No There's not a woman on the planet other than my wife that I would pick up the phone and call to say
44:50: I just need Some counsel. I just need to talk to somebody. I just need to know Doesn't exist it's not going to exist got a lot of guys like that One woman like that my wife you say
45:05: You really never give gifts to women other than your wife
45:10: No, well, I did my mother before she died and my sister but after that no,
45:16: I Bet your secretaries hate your guts. No, they they like me In fact,
45:21: I think they like me pretty well because they get really nice gifts for Christmas and and For their birthday and for secretaries day because we have this deal
45:30: Charlotte picks it out. I pay for it. That's how it works And she picks out a lot better gifts than I would ever even think about picking out
45:37: I mean, I don't even pick out good gifts for her very well I try but usually I just take her with me and then we're all happy because she gets what she wants.
45:43: So anyway She picks out the gifts and I pay for it You know, she does things like gives them really sweet gifts and it takes them to a thing called the tea room
45:53: I mean what male on the plant would want to go to the tea room? I mean, it just sounds foo -foo I'm not going to the tea room, you know, it's not happening.
46:00: And so no, I I love my secretaries I pray for them. I cut up with them in a certain kind of a way, but they're all at arm's length
46:07: And they're not offended by that. In fact, if anything, I think they are honored by that I just want to tell you guys in this day and age
46:15: You just can't be too careful. And again, just do a little math real quickly
46:21: What does adultery cost? What does adultery cost Well, if you're a
46:28: Christian, I'll tell you what it costs number one You're going to bring shame to the name of Jesus Christ number two, you're gonna hurt your church number three
46:36: You're gonna break the heart of your mate Number four, you're gonna lose for ever
46:43: The respect of your children. Oh They may forgive you But they'll never look at you the same again.
46:51: Never Never So I put all that together and then
46:56: I think 15 30 minutes of carnal pleasure No, no, no. No, this is not worth it.
47:03: This is a bad investment. This is a bad call No, I'm not going to let the
47:08: Fox of outside interference slip into my relationship Very quickly number six the
47:14: Fox of fatigue your marriage gets in trouble if the wedding vows are considered conditional and divorce the
47:21: Solution to an unhappy situation you say Danny you've never ever considered divorce.
47:27: No Murder, but no, and I'm just kidding there. No, I wouldn't even do that.
47:33: No, I Have a very simple mind. It's very Uncomplex when
47:39: I married Charlotte my mind said you're stuck with this woman. Okay, I'm stuck with her In fact,
47:44: I've often said playfully if she ever leaves me I'm going with her so she can't get away from me She's stuck to now
47:50: Here's how my little simple mind works You can be stuck and be sad or you can be stuck and be happy Well, I like happy better than sad
47:58: I do but I've learned something Happy requires work.
48:04: In fact, I want to say to all of you this morning Nothing requires more work than marriage.
48:10: It requires more time more energy more Investment, but it is worth every bit of it
48:17: But if you have that back door cracked just a little bit and it gets hard and tough
48:23: You'll think about walking out. But if the door is nailed shut, in fact, there's no door there at all
48:29: Then you realize you know what we're in this for life So that means we have to work at it.
48:36: And when you work at it, it's amazing You find the ability to get through those hard times
48:41: Finally number seven the Fox of misunderstanding your marriage gets in trouble If a man and a woman fail to understand and appreciate and even enjoy
48:50: How really different they are from one another now very quickly three minutes. I'm through I Figured this one out a long time ago sitting up on a platform one day just thinking about it and it hit me just like that Here's the whole difference thing
49:04: Men are like dogs That's right men are like dogs and Women are like cats if you just get that you got the difference thing
49:15: I mean it all I'm telling you it just all makes sense from there. You say well, what do you mean?
49:20: Okay, ladies Help me out. How do you have a happy dog three things and only three things.
49:28: It's very simple Number one you feed him Number two you play with him.
49:34: That's right. And number three you praise him. You're such a cute little puppy coming And they turn over and that tails back and forth and you know
49:46: They ain't going anywhere we have a great Dane named Samantha 145 pounds of great
49:52: Dane and you start though. She stretches out. She's not gonna move for days I mean she's just there so you praise them you you feed them and you play with them
50:01: Well, how do you have a happy husband? It's the same three things You feed that boy
50:06: You play with that boy and you praise him you a cute little husband come here He might turn over let you scratch his tummy too.
50:13: I don't know but but guys Women are not like dogs.
50:20: No They're like cats You see you're in a room one day get over here where you see me.
50:26: You're in a room one day and all sudden There's a cat You look at that cat and that cat looks at you and you're not really sure what you ought to do but on this occasion it comes over and it starts purring and It starts rubbing back and forth against your leg and you're like man
50:43: That's that's a sweet cat So you get brave and you bend over and you pick it up and you scratch this little head
50:49: It keeps doing that eye thing It does and it's purring and you put it down and it runs out of the room and you say man
50:55: That was a nice cat. That was a sweet cat But 30 seconds later that same cat appears in the door.
51:03: Yeah You look at it. It looks at you Without any provocation at all it jumps for your face and tries to call your eyeballs out
51:13: That's right, yeah same cat
51:20: But something happened to that cat in the other room and now its disposition has been radically radically altered
51:26: So guys just realize you're married to a cat Ladies you're married to a dog
51:34: Just see if we can get those two together and you'll be amazed at how you can enjoy and appreciate those differences
51:40: Well, let me pray for us Heavenly Father we've had a good time this morning thinking about the way you
51:46: Designed a man and a woman and Lord if we just step back and look it's really clear that we are different But different for a reason and Lord you said in your word it is not good that a man is alone
51:58: I will make him a helper that will perfectly complement him and Lord. I readily acknowledge today
52:05: I am a better man because of my wife and Together we're better than we would ever be apart and Lord I think that's what you intended to accomplish one of the things you intended to accomplish in marriage
52:17: So I pray for each marriage that's represented here today And for these that are here the children and some of the singles that will someday be married
52:25: I pray that even now Lord they would be developing and becoming the kind of man or woman that will make a great husband and father a
52:34: Great wife and mother and furthermore Lord you will place in their heart a desire to seek out a mate that they can bring their life together with and in so doing bring great honor and glory to your name and Show others the difference that Jesus Christ makes when he is
52:50: Lord of a marriage and Lord of a family This we ask and pray in his name