Husbands Are To Love Their Wives (Part 2)

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Welcome to No Compromise Radio, a ministry coming to you from Bethlehem Bible Church in West Boylston.

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No Compromise Radio is a program dedicated to the ongoing proclamation of Jesus Christ, based on the theme in Galatians 2, verse 5, where the

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Apostle Paul said, But we did not yield in subjection to them for even an hour, so that the truth of the gospel would remain with you.

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In short, if you like smooth, watered -down words to make you simply feel good, this show isn't for you.

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By purpose, we are first biblical, but we can also be controversial. Stay tuned for the next 25 minutes as we're called by the divine trumpet to summon the troops for the honor and glory of her

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King. Here's our host, Pastor Mike Abendroth. Welcome to No Compromise Radio, a ministry. My name is

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Pastor Mike, and I'm with Pastor Steve, and that was the shortest break we've ever had in between shows, literally two seconds.

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Was there a break? Was there a break? Well, there's been a break in the action for Israel, so formally, we have postponed the trip from 19, 19, from, you know what happened?

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I was showing you that old Grace to You cassette deal from 1991. It was in my mind. So, the 2021

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Israel trip has been postponed to 2022. The mental slippage.

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I know. It's going on. Uh -huh. I know. Well, at least I didn't say second Maccabees or something like that.

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Third assumptions. Open your Bibles to second Nephi. What was the one, since you're the

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Mormon, what was the, like second Nephi, you're saved by grace after all you can do. Yeah. After all you can do.

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Yep. That's it. Do all that you can do, and then you're saved by grace. Yeah. What a sad redefinition of grace, where grace is just God picking up your slack.

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Good job, Steve. I got it from here. So, I was a brand new Christian. I had to go to Salt Lake City and then up to Idaho, where there's a lot of Mormons as well, and I was at the

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Marriott Hotel, and so I called the front desk and I said, you know, instead of asking for pillows and extra blankets,

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I said, may I please have the Book of Mormon? I'd probably just take it now, right? They're probably to be taken, but I wanted to ask.

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I didn't want to steal the Book of Mormon. Ethical dilemmas. And they said, well, you can't take it, but someone will come up with one, some people to talk with you.

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And I'm like, I don't want to do that. You know, Laker games on or whatever. So anyway, they called back and finally said, you can just have it.

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And so I looked at Second Nephi, you've been saved by grace after all you can do, and that's all I needed to know. It was a false book. Terrible.

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The worst. Steve, we were talking last show about husbands, loving your wives as Christ loved the church, and we just tried to appeal to men that in an age of kind of hyper patriarchy and dominance and dictatorship and parenting wives, how to just love wives and cherish them and give yourself for your wife.

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We're not trying to say emasculate yourself and your leadership, but I don't think you have to like fight for your leadership.

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Do you? The Bible says you're the leader. So why do I have to try to dominate with trying to make myself the leader?

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I've never commanded men in combat or anything like that, but I did supervise some deputies and hundreds of inmates at a jail facility.

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In fact, I was thinking the last time I ever worked, I think on the sheriff's department, I was commander of the entire jail, like 3 ,500 inmates, all these.

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And they put me in charge. I was like, dude, you guys don't know what you're doing. But I rarely, and I think

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I was pretty effective in what I did, and basically it was about encouraging people.

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Sometimes I had to take them to the woodshed. I mean, I had a deputy who fell asleep a couple of times on me, and after talking to her a couple of times,

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I was just like, you know what? You just can't do that. I have to write you up. I have to stay up.

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We all have to stay up. This is just kind of what we do. But I think for the most part, by encouraging people, by telling them the right thing and creating an environment where they knew that I had their back, that they could do their jobs and not be looking over their shoulder so much, that I was on their side,

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I think that made me an effective leader, and I didn't have to micromanage everything. If you're listening to that and going, that might work in a marriage too, well, it does.

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If you create an environment where you enable your wife, you give her the trust, you enable her to do things that are important, that have some weight and some gravitas to them, and she knows that you're not going to micromanage her or whatever, she's going to do a really good job.

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Steve, last week, we looked at Ephesians 5. I just flipped over to a parallel passage in Colossians 3, husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

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Ooh. Don't bring the harsh. Don't bring the harsh.

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Here's what the ESV study Bible notes say with that verse. There was a tendency in the Roman world for men to rage bitterly against their wives and mistreat them because of their greater strength and louder voices.

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Men in their sinful natures are prone to use harsh words, threats, unkindness, and even physical violence to intimidate their wives.

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And I like what they say here. There is no room for even a hint of this in a

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Christian home. Instead, men are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Yeah, there's no room for a hint of that.

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That is good. And thankfully, when there is a hint of it, we can ask for forgiveness. And we talked last week about saying things in front of our children.

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And one of the things I had to learn early on, and I think probably Kim forced it, but it was a biblical thing.

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If I did say something harsh to her in front of the kids, she's like, well, you know what? You said it in front of the kids.

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You should ask forgiveness in front of the kids. And I'm like, you know what? That's exactly right. Pull all the kids in.

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This is not how to do it. I mean, I can remember, you know, just like the same thing kind of thing.

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I mean, these are things that you learn in the real world and you think, I think they apply to home. I mean, it should have been the other way around, but, you know,

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I was not a believer. But if there's a disagreement between the two of you, where do you resolve that?

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Well, behind closed doors between the two of you. I mean, imagine, and I use this example all the time, could you talk to your co -workers the way you talk to your wife?

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And when the guys look at me like, they won't even answer because they know. And the answer is no, because they know they'd get fired.

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And I'm going, hello? Does that tell you anything, right? If you treat your co -workers better than you do the one the

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Lord has called you to treat as if she's your own flesh, you're doing something wrong, pal.

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You need to repent. And it's just, it's crazy to me how people sort of, you know, wall off, you know, excuse their behavior or whatever.

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Well, you know, it's, they wouldn't say this, it's just my wife, but that's kind of the attitude, right?

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And it should be like, no, my first priority in my life, other than the Lord Jesus Christ, right?

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My number one priority here on earth is my wife. And everybody should know that, including her.

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If she doesn't know it, then it's not true. Right? Amen.

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1 Peter 3, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

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By the way, what does it mean to live with her in an understanding way? Some translations say,

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I believe, according to knowledge. To knowledge, yeah. You almost have to study her. And, you know, so what are the implications of that?

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I mean, it, you know, it's funny to watch, you know, we've done this sometimes at the

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Valentine's dinner thing that we have here at the church, where they have like the newlywed game and they ask people that have been married, look, if there's some real basic stuff and you don't know it, if you've been married 10, 20 years or whatever, why not, bro?

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What are you doing? You know, what's so important about football and basketball and baseball and hockey and, you know, soccer or whatever else you're watching that you can't get to learn your wife and, you know, understand her and know her?

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Steve, it's also crazy in terms of, you know, how we act as Christians, even dealing with the sinful flesh that we have.

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When you're dating your wife and courting her and trying to get her to marry you, you do exactly what this text says to do and you don't have to be commanded to do it.

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That is to say, you're dating her, if you will, with knowledge, with an understanding way. You're studying her, right?

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You're not living with her, but as you're with her, you study everything about her, the way she walks, talks, how she smiles, her nose, what it looks like.

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You look at her ears. You see how she laughs. You see how she has a sense of humor, how she deals with other people.

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I mean, every possible thing I would study and look at and then just go, I want her to be mine.

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I want to marry her. I want to be with her forever. And then you get married and then you have to be commanded to keep doing it.

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Petey Well, it's like, you know, the first example that came to my mind. Some guys treat, you know, getting married like roping a calf.

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You know, because she's– Jared I've heard you talk for a lot of years. I've never heard you say that. Petey She's yours now and it's just like it's over.

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You know, I mean, it, you know, all everything, all the work is done, right? You throw your hands up in victory and now you can go on and live your life however you want.

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Jared So Steve, we're talking about loving wives as Christians. And of course, we need the help of the Holy Spirit. We would acknowledge that.

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And this is not a systematic theology podcast today. Steve's giving me the quizzical look.

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How, can you give anything practical in terms of how you try to love Janet in a very practical way?

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And maybe some of the listeners can, can kind of get a clue. I mean, it can be anything simple.

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Pete Well, I mean, am I just going to sound like a pansy? I don't, you know, I mean, one of the things,

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I mean, I think there's just small things that you just do all the time. And, you know, there are two ways to do things.

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One, I'll just use an example. You know, I have something particular

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I want to wear. It's in the dirty clothes. I can use one of two approaches.

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One is I can say, are you ever going to do laundry? Do I have to run up the, you know, laundry flag in the front yard?

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What do I have to do here, you know, to get some room service? Chop, chop. Or I can just go, you know what?

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I'm a grown up. I'll just do some laundry, right? And then she'll go, oh, well,

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I was going to do the laundry, you know, later today, or I was going to do it tomorrow or whatever. And, you know, did you need something?

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Well, you know, just kind of wanted to wear this for whatever reason. And, you know, it's no big deal, you know, but it's just little things like that.

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That just kind of I never want to emphasize or I never want to make her think that, you know, she's she's the servant.

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I'm the king. You know, I'm not above washing dishes. I'm not above scrubbing the toilets. I'm, you know, and now everybody's thinking, oh,

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Steve's just like, you know, totally running around. No, it's not like that. But sometimes

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I'm just like, you know what? This needs to be done. I can do it. And, you know, I don't need to go ask

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Janet to do it. What am I, you know, either a kid or a king? Either one.

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I'm neither one. Right. I think that's a good point. And in every marriage, you're going to have different roles in terms of maybe somebody's good at finances and the other person isn't or whatever.

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However, you want to delegate that out as leaders, fine by me. Excuse me. And in our house,

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I mean, this is not necessarily, oh, this is uber love. But I just remember with the whole laundry thing, we've got all the kids and all their laundry and Kim's laundry and the towels and everything else.

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I thought, in addition, I have bicycling things and other things and I don't want them dried or whatever.

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So I'll just do my own laundry. She didn't have to deal with it. And I don't try to say

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I do my own laundry and that's loving thing. But I think that's just one less thing she has to do. And I want it done a certain way too.

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So off we go. And even when you think about going out on dates and stuff like that, and you and I were talking off the air about traveling and dating and stuff like that, for the most part,

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I just want to take Kim where she wants to go. We were just in New York City and this is maybe just a very practical thing.

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She's got four or five things she wants to do. I maybe have one or whatever. Let's just go do it together.

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And I like to just hang out with her. I think she's pretty. I think she's fun. And if she's having fun at these coffee shops and these other things, and I'm just along anyway.

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And so I just am going to defer to her. And then when I did see Sid's bike shop, I said, hey, let's go in there.

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And she's like, oh, okay, sure. Well, I mean, I'll just put it in the form of a question.

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Doesn't it delight you to see your wife delighted? You know, don't you like it when she's happy?

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And I'm like, I don't know what kind of husband, you know, wouldn't like that.

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That's exactly right. And again, I'm trying to not be a pragmatist, but you know, if your wife's happy, it is easier at home, right?

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Is there anything that can I say that? Yeah, but I think, you know, there's just a real, you know, like when

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I see Janet with her grandkids, I'm like, this is just as, you know, as good as it gets.

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You know, I love watching the kids hug her and, you know, talk to her on Skype or whatever, you know, and I'm just like, this is just, you know, this is the way things are supposed to be.

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And I like this, you know. Well, Steve, I think if we try to obey the scriptures as Christian men and love and give and cherish and support and not be bitter and harsh and we're living in an understanding way,

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I think maybe the world will look at that and say, this is submission or menial or some kind of lesser or something.

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But of course, that's not it because it echoes what the Lord Jesus did. He comes to serve and not to be served, right?

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But in addition, then when we as husbands have to say, do you know what? I can't make you happy on this decision.

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We've talked about this issue. We've disagreed. I have to make a decision and it's going to go against what you think.

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Then I think that even helps our wives go along with it because we've been kind in other areas.

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Does that make sense? Yeah. Well, it makes a lot of sense. What do you think, you know, there are times where she's going to think, oh man,

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I wish he didn't do that or, you know, I wish he hadn't spent this or I wish he hadn't whatever, you know, so, but in light of everything, okay, you know, okay, he can have that one, you know, so.

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And I always try to tell the husbands and I try to tell myself when you do have to make the decision and it goes against what your wife wants, but you the leader has to do it.

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If your wife is perturbed with you for a short time, hang in there because she'll respect you more after.

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Yeah. I mean. For not caving in because she knows you should be the leader. As long as it wasn't really dopey, you know,

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I mean, if it was really, and by the way, we do have a dopey decision headline or a hotline if you want to call and just kind of.

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Steve, okay, I'll put you on the spot in regards to that. In my marriage, I would say when we have disagreements or that kind of thing,

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I'd say I'm probably the one at fault 80 % of the time. That's all? Yeah.

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And so therefore I'm the one probably 80 % of the time. Can we call Kim? And I go to her and, you know, sometimes she just covers, right?

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Love covers a multitude of sins and we don't have to have the gift of confrontation and have every blow up every day.

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But the times that I have to go to her are more often than she comes to me, not because she's prideful and doesn't come to me, but because I'm more sinful and I have to go and I say,

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I've asked the Lord to forgive me. I've asked you to forgive me, please, for what I've done.

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And I shouldn't have said those things. I love you. And then she says, I love you. I forgive you. But that's probably 80 % in my family.

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What is it like in yours? If I could pull the coolie curtains behind the scenes and take a look. I think it's usually, you know,

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I think it's probably similar. I'm, you know, I might be above 80%. You know,

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I'm a little holier. Above 80 %? But I, you know, and then

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I think there are some times where I know, you know, that the other 17 % of the time she probably just overlooks my sins.

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But yeah, I think it's similar. There was something else

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I was going to say about that. It just really is a situation where for the most part,

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I mean, it's difficult to be a leader, right? It's difficult to have that pressure and that kind of, you know, ultimately that decision making resting upon you.

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But you make it easier on yourself if you're kind, if you're thoughtful most of the time, right?

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And so when those times come up where you have to make it a decision, then you just do.

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And, you know, I think, you know, again, talking about Janet and I, I mean, there are there places where I know we don't agree?

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You know, yes. You know, for example, I think here in the not too distant future,

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I'm probably going to get a new car. She's like, what's wrong with the cars we have? And, you know, there are a multitude of things wrong with one of them.

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But, you know, I'm the one who's going to have to live with the consequences of that, whatever they are, you know, when we get that.

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And so it's okay. Yeah, sure. I can deal with it. Steve, what about this when it comes to marriage and trying to help the people that are listening?

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We've gone through the last week and this week a little bit on Ephesians 5, Colossians 3, and 1

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Peter 3. But I think sometimes I and we forget that there are other commands in Scripture given for the body of Christ that would also apply to marriage.

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Here's what I mean. 1 Peter 3, verse 8. Finally, all of you, probably counts for marriages, don't you think?

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Yep. Have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.

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Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless.

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For to this you are called that you may obtain a blessing. In other words, where is that in marriage classes?

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In addition to Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3 and Colossians 3, what about this unity of mind?

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How great would that be when it comes to parenting and marriage? It'd be great. I mean, so many of those,

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I will frame it this way when I'm dealing with husbands and wives, why would you think that it would be okay?

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I mean, we've talked about children or whatever, but to treat other people in the body of Christ better than you do your wife.

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Why would that be? Well, I'm commanded to be nice to them. I mean, come on.

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And, you know, there are two passages, two verses that I always stress in marriage counseling.

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I go, if I could get couples to just like, you know, staple this to their forehead.

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No, just post these all around the house until, I mean, if you make a practice of these two things,

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I can guarantee you that 99 % of the marriage problems will never happen. And that's

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Ephesians 4 .29 and Ephesians 4 .32. You know, only speak edifying words, words that build up, words that edify, you know.

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And so, what does that mean? Don't tear each other down. Don't insult one another. You know, focus on the positive in the other person.

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You know, the Holy Spirit is at work in them. And we've mentioned that before, but you don't have to tear them down.

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They get convicted by the Holy Spirit. The other one is in Ephesians 4 .32, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ Jesus has forgiven you, okay?

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And talk about that a lot, but it's so important because we are going to sin against each other.

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And you mentioned it earlier, you know, how do you go to your wife and ask for forgiveness?

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But it's important that when she forgives you, right, that she does it as God in Christ has forgiven every believer, which is to say, she doesn't bring it up again.

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You know, it's a done deal. It's over. And she also tries as best as she can to not even think about it again, because if you keep a record of sins, not only is it sinful, the

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Bible tells us, but it also destroys your relationship. You do not like people who sin against you all the time and who seem to have no remorse for it.

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And if you can't forgive them, then guess what? That person who sins against you the most is your spouse, right?

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You live with them. And if you can't forgive them, there are going to be issues in that marriage forever and ever. Reminds me of an author that was talking about bitterness.

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And he said, the reason why people become bitter, which is the opposite of this kind of agape love, is that bitterness remembers details.

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That's always stuck with me. I remember what you said to me, Mrs. Abendroth, on that front porch and you had that red dress on and you stuck your finger out and it was raining.

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Well, I don't remember last week. How would I remember that? And if I could say, and I don't mean to sound like a sexist, but Ephesians 4 .32,

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while it's applicable to both, I think it's just harder for women because they have the memories, the details, for the most part, right?

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Pete Sounds and sense, you know, the senses and smells and all that. And, you know, the guys,

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I mean, guys are idiots, what can we say? And so, those things just tend to like fade out of our memories, the memories and all that, all the details.

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So, I think it's challenging for both of us because I think the guys just like to be right, right?

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I think that's, I mean, women do too, but I think for guys it's really important because somehow, I talk to guys all the time and it's like this idea of being right is commensurate with the idea of being in charge, which isn't true, right?

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Leaders make mistakes all the time. But, you know, I think edify, forgive.

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If you can do those two things in your marriage, you're probably not ever going to have to go to your pastor and say, our marriage has fallen apart.

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Pete Right. I learned this from a pastor, and so this is our kind of final advice. I learned something called the driveway prayer.

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I don't do it all the time, but I'm thankful when I do. Husbands, when you get home from a long day at work and you drive up to the driveway, you pray,

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Lord, you know I'd like to be served by my wife when I get home, but help me to serve her and love her when I go inside.

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It's a driveway prayer. And you know, all these things are really focused through the lens of the gospel.

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And when we think about, you know, Matthew 18, we don't want to be that unforgiving servant. We want to be remembering all that Christ has done for us.

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of God's Word through verse -by -verse exposition of the sacred text. Please come and join us.

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Our service times are Sunday morning at 1015 and in the evening at 6. We're right on Route 110 in West Boylston.

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You can check us out online at bbcchurch .org or by phone at 508 -835 -3400.