TLP 164: Friends, Part 1 | Who are your kids’ friends?

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The problem is that there are just as many definitions for friends as there are people. I can promise you that the definition

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I developed in high school would not have been shared by my friends or my enemies. Welcome to Truth, Love, Parents where we use

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God's Word to become intentional premeditated parents. Here's your host,

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AM Brewster. Our God is a relational God. He has relationships within his own being and he calls us to redemptive relationships with others.

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To refuse to engage in a relationship is sinful, but to engage in the wrong relationships can be equally as sinful.

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It's true that some of our children struggle with being loners, and we'll discuss that in part, but our main focus of this study is what to do when our children have all the wrong friends.

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But before we jump into that, I want to welcome those of you who are joining us for the first time. We at TLP are dedicated to glorifying our

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Lord by helping dads and moms all over the globe become intentional premeditated parents. To that end, 99 % of the parenting resources we have available at TruthLoveParent .com

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are free. Our podcast is free. You can email our counselors at counselor at TruthLoveParent .com for free parenting advice for your unique family situations, and you can enroll in our free 25 days to becoming a premeditated parenting course.

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I'm also working on an e -book I plan to give away on the website. It's all about God's cure for family strife.

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TLP link in the description to see the different ways you can partner with our ministry. And you can rate and review us on iTunes as we strive to reach more

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Christian parents with God's hope for their families. So thank you for joining us, and I pray this study in friendship will draw you and your kids closer to God.

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Now I suppose the best place to start is to figure out what a friend actually is. The problem is that there are just as many definitions for friends as there are people, and I can promise you that the definition

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I developed in high school would not have been shared by any of my friends or even my enemies. You can search the internet, but please allow me to spare you the agony by sharing with you some of the more thought -out and interesting definitions

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I've found. And please keep this in mind when you're working with your kids on any topic. Defining your terms is absolutely necessary.

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Make sure you understand what they're talking about and they understand what you're talking about and that you're on the same page. So let's all get on the same page.

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Merriam -Webster actually has five definitions for friend. Number one, one attached to another by affection or esteem.

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They actually include acquaintance in this group. Number two, one that is not hostile. One that is of the same nation, party, or group.

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So just very basic connections. Number three, one that favors or promotes something, such as a charity.

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Number four, a favored companion. And number five, a member of a Christian sect that stresses inner light, rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war, also called

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Quakers. I don't know if your children are in danger of many Quakers, but hopefully they have people in their lives for whom they have affection.

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However, what if they have affection for the wrong people? What if their favored companion encourages them to sin?

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However, there's another issue with lumping all of our friends into the same group. Not all friends are created equally.

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So in order to figure out her friend circle, a lady by the name of Gretchen Rubin devised this breakdown.

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First, she has what she calls just friends. She defines this as a quote, a person you see at a weekly poker game, at your child's school, who is enjoyable company, but who you have no desire to socialize outside a specific context or to get to know that person better, unquote.

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Second, she defines rust friends as people, quote, you've known for a long, long time.

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You're probably not going to get any closer to them unless something changes, but a part of your life, unquote.

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Third, are her trust friends. These are people, quote, who show integrity, people you feel comfortable with, that you are always glad to see, but not in your inmost circle, perhaps people you'd like to be closer to if you had the time or opportunity, unquote.

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And lastly, are her must friends. This is, quote, your best friend, a member of your inner circle, a person you can count on when something big happens in your life, unquote.

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Based off those definitions, perhaps you see similarities between those and the people in your life or your kids' lives.

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However, when it comes to human definitions of friends, I really like Sidney Sider Mobina Ahmad's Sixth Stage of Friendship Acquaintance Theory.

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Let me say that again. It's the Sixth Stage Friendship Acquaintance Theory. I'm sure you can tell just by the name why

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I like this one so much. She starts her list with pre -acquaintance and gives a statistic that this group makes up 10 % of the people she knows.

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She defines this group as people of which she knows nothing beyond their name. Her next level is acquaintance level one.

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She explains this as the to know of someone category. She also conjectures that this makes up about 20 % of the people she knows.

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She further describes this category as follows. A, we know of each other through mutual friends and acquaintances.

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B, we met briefly at a party or social event or university. C, you're a work colleague or business client who

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I haven't spent much time with. D, we run into each other now and then by coincidence.

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E, convenient interactions. Meeting up is not planned and only because it is convenient and easy.

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And F, details about each other are superficial. Then she has acquaintance level two.

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This is the liking and preliminary care category. She believes this makes up about 30 % of people she knows.

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She describes this group like this. A, we went to school together or have known you for a long period of time.

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B, we usually meet in groups, rarely one -on -one. C, if you needed my help, I would actively participate in helping you to the best of my ability.

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D, I can handle a 20 -minute small talk chat with you any longer and I will get bored. I love that last part.

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Now if you're keeping track, so far her acquaintances make up 60 % of Siniciders' relationships, but she's not done with her acquaintances yet.

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Her next category is acquaintance level three. This is the significant connection and care category that makes up about 25 % of people she knows.

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Now, that description, you know, significant connection and care may sound like a friend to you, but even though she says the following,

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A, we have a really good connection, we have some meaningful talks, we care a lot about each other, we don't see each other all that much, just now and then when we plan to meet, she doesn't yet consider these people friends.

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And the same is true with her next category. This is the pre -friend, aka the potential friend category that makes up about 14 % of the people she knows.

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She describes these people as A, someone I wish I were a friend, as defined by her and not as society currently defines it, and B, I want to spend more time with this person and establish a proper friendship with them.

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Now, if you're keeping track, this makes up 99 % of the people she knows.

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She has her pre -acquaintances, her acquaintance levels one and two and three, and she has her potential friends, her pre -friends, that's 99 % of the people she knows.

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And she reserves her final category for the 1 % of people in her life she actually would call a friend.

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And she defines this group as mutual feelings of love. She goes on to say A, I care immensely in every domain of their life, academic, physical, mental, how their relationships with their loved ones are.

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I also care about their thoughts, ideas, elations, and fears. B, I can easily give my honest opinion and thoughts.

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C, this person notices when I am upset through subtle indications. D, I see this person regularly and feel totally comfortable to contact them for a deep and meaningful talk.

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E, someone who takes initiative and makes sacrifices to work on this friendship. F, mutual trust, respect, admiration, forgiveness, and unconditional care.

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And G, she says, note, if it's not mutual, then we're not friends. Now, perhaps hearing her definition of friend, you understand what she's saying.

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Perhaps you're having a hard time thinking of even one person who fits that category for you. As you consider your kids, perhaps you're having a hard time imagining that they have any of those.

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Perhaps that's why we're tempted to call so many people friends. If we used Sidney Sider's definition, we wouldn't have any friends.

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And if you're a child or teen in our culture, not having friends is unacceptable. We'd rather rename acquaintances than admit not having friends.

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This is why Sidney Sider has additional notes. She says, number one, there's no shame in being an acquaintance.

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I think society has made the word derogatory, and that is why it seems offensive. It's just about being honest.

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Number two, friendship is not that complicated to me. I know the irony of making up a theory and calling it uncomplicated.

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There may be a small few that cannot be categorized because there's a history in shades of gray, but I look at my relationship with most people as being black or white, categorized, uncomplicated.

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Three, the theory is flexible in the sense that people can go up or down the levels and understands that throughout a dynamic friendship, people become closer or further apart from each other.

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Four, my theory originates from personal experiences. I realize that one of my biggest vulnerabilities is that I'm too sentimental.

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This theory combats this problem quite efficiently. And five, I understand that this theory cannot be applied to everyone, but it significantly helps me.

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Now, you may be asking, why did we go through all that? Well, we went through it to prove my earlier assertion that everyone has their own opinion on the subject, but to also show that when we take a moment to really think about our friends, we can come to some deep and extremely introspective conclusions.

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And I think that's missing in most families. Have you actually sat down with your children and discussed

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God's definition of friendship? Do they realize that people exist on a relationship continuum?

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Do they understand that we should interact with people differently depending on how they relate to us? So, I want to end off today by asking and answering a couple important questions that will help us build a framework for discussing this topic with our kids.

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The next time we'll build on that framework as we study what God's Word actually says about friendship. Let's say you sit down with your kids for a family devotional time, which by the way is a wonderful idea, and you want to start a discussion about friends.

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As always, I highly suggest starting with questions. Let your kids think about and answer the questions in order to get a back and forth started instead of turning it into a lecture.

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You can simply start by asking them what they think a friend is. This will give you some very helpful insight into your children.

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It will expose how they think and it will expose who their main influencers are. If they have a different definition of friend than you do, then you know they learned it from someone else better than they learned it from you.

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You can also ask them how other people define friends. You could then share with them the examples

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I gave you earlier from Gretchen and Sidney Sider. In fact, I'll include their definitions of friends in our episode notes.

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You can download those for free from our blog, Taking Back the Family, which you can find at truthloveparent .com. Here's another really great question you can ask your kids.

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Does friendship have to be reciprocal? According to Sidney Sider, if it's not mutual, you're not friends.

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Obviously, some say yes, some say no, and it has everything to do with how they define friendship. Based off their definition of friend, you can also ask them how many friends they have in their lives.

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I just had this conversation with my family today. We talked about all the things we discussed today and more.

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My kids, who by the way have a fantastic definition of what friend is, admitted that the closest friends they have, biblically speaking, are their mom and dad, followed by their sibling.

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Isn't that great? Wouldn't it be wonderful if your children said that you were the best friend they had? Well, my hope is that you truly are their best friend, and my hope is that when we're done discussing this topic, that your children will come to realize that, have a deep desire to have more true friends, and know what to do with people who aren't friends.

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And before we look at the passage for today, I want to make one more observation. I want to share with you two companion studies that will deepen and broaden our understanding of biblical friendship.

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First, if you haven't taken your kids through the Four Family Loves series that started in episode 128, you can either start with that or end with it.

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However, I think studying that after you have this discussion with them is probably best. It'll be a beautiful continuation of this study.

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And for those of you who have already taken your kids through that study, it'll be important to review those concepts as you discuss friendship.

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One other show that'll be really good for you is episode 136, Do You Really Want to Be Their Friend? Requirement of befriending your kids.

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Of course, you can also teach those truths to your children as you discuss biblical friendship, and we'll likely touch on some of them here.

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Now, I know what you're going to say. We talked a lot about what other people think, and we asked a lot of questions, but we didn't learn any answers.

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And that's true to a degree. There's simply too much to try to fit into the rest of the show, but what we did talk about was very important.

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So let's end by focusing on one undeniable and very important consideration. I've mentioned it a couple times, and in my mind's eye,

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I saw a questioning look flit across some of your faces when I mentioned it. Earlier, I asked the question, do your children understand that we should interact with people differently depending on how they relate to us?

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What was my motivation for those comments? Please consider Psalm 1 -1, Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers.

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God is granting His special blessing to those only when we don't hang out with certain people.

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That might not sound super spiritual to you, but it's a vital reality with which we must grapple and with which we must call our children to interact.

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There are certain people with whom our children should not interact. Those people should not be considered friends.

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But more on that next time as we dive into the scriptures and discover what God says a friend is. Please share this episode with your friends, and you know, you should share it with your enemies and pre -acquaintances and levels 1, 2, 3 acquaintances and potential friends too.

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In fact, you can even share it publicly on Facebook so some of your strangers see it. And speaking of Facebook, please consider liking our

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Facebook page. We post parenting articles and quotes about three times a day. We consider these articles to be some of the best parenting information from authors outside of our ministry.

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You can also follow TruthLoveParent on Twitter for fantastic verses and parenting quotes throughout the day. And if you're going to be on social media, you may as well fill your feed with things that glorify

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God and help you be a better parent. I'm going to go so far to say that friendships are an important part of living a life that glorifies

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God. They're definitely not something you should take for granted. And if one of your most important responsibilities as a parent is to manage your children's influencers, then this discussion is vital.

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So I'll see you next time as we help your family build a solid understanding of biblical friendship. Truth. Love.

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Parents. Is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional, premeditated parent.

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Join us next time as we search God's Word for the truth your family needs today.