Bob Nelson: His Life, His Career, and His Faith

Reformed Rookie

Subscribe

Download

Share

00

00:11

All right, so, Bob, there's a couple of things I wanted to... Where's the wire? I don't know.

00:18

Hello? Hello? Hello? My niece was in a hotel. We were in a hotel and she's never been, you know, she's a tiny little thing.

00:25

And we walked into a hotel and she goes right up to the telephone and goes, what's this? I was like, oh my goodness, a phone.

00:33

They don't know what a TV is with a knob, right? Yeah. So you grew up on Long Island, correct?

00:39

Yes, I did. Where in Long Island? I never really grew up, but I've lived there. Trying to grow up. Yeah. All right.

00:44

You grew old. You didn't grow up. Right. Okay. Yeah. That's true. That's true.

00:51

Where on Long Island were you from? I grew up mostly in Mass Pequot, Mass Pequot Park. I went to school in Burner High School, graduated with Alec Baldwin and the

01:02

Baldwin boys. Okay. Alec was in my class and Jerry Seinfeld was over there, Mass Pequot High School, like a year or two before that.

01:11

And most of the time I was in Mass Pequot from fifth grade, why am

01:19

I asking you? Fifth grade - I think it was fourth. Through fourth.

01:24

Kindergarten. That's the cop thing. No, actually I started school when I, let's see, I went to school, first time

01:30

I went to school was in Copaic. It was Copaic. We lived out in Copaic. It was fun. It was a lot of fun.

01:37

There was a guy who, this was a little kid who thought he was James Brown. Really? Yeah. And he would dance down the hallway and it was fun.

01:45

Was that an inspiration for any of your acts? It was very exciting to grow up in a very,

01:51

I don't know, just a very lively childhood from first to fourth grade. I was an honor roll student.

01:57

I loved going to school. My teachers were black. A lot of my students were black. And then I moved to Mass Pequot, which is literally white and it's all white.

02:06

And they put me in the special class right away because I came from Copaic, which I didn't mind because they were the more interesting people in the white school.

02:14

You're funny. Did you have brothers and sisters? Yes. I have an older sister who's doing well.

02:22

I have a younger sister who's not doing so well. Yeah, she's a little, you know, she's saved, but she's, you know,

02:31

I don't know, she doesn't get it. You know, she moved away from us. But she's in South Carolina down there. And then

02:38

I have a younger brother who lives in Mass Pequot still. So now growing up, did they think you were funny?

02:44

Oh yeah. Yeah, I was, they were always trying to get me to do something. You know, my sister would just put me in situations.

02:52

I have a scar on my finger where, because I was gullible, I would do whatever she told me to do. Okay. You know?

02:58

Older sister. Yeah, older sister. And, you know, I don't know if you know this, but years ago in the cars, they used to have these little push button things.

03:05

You push it in and then you pop it out and it's red hot, so like cigarettes. Right. Do you ever see them?

03:12

Look them up on Google. And my sister goes, look at that. How pretty? I go, yeah.

03:18

She goes, touch it. Oh. And I touched it. And it hurt. Yes. But it was, you know, it was always stuff like that she would do to me.

03:25

And you know, she would get a good laugh out of it. She popped my eardrum with a Q -tip once. I'm going to clean your ears now.

03:33

Whoa. Wow. Yeah. I would let her do everything and anything that she wanted, just for a laugh.

03:39

Okay. So were you the class clown in school? Yes. I, uh, when

03:47

I moved from, from Copaig to Mas Pico, you know, they put me in a, in a different class and I wasn't, and then

03:53

I wasn't doing so well. I was an honor roll student and I wasn't, you know, and then I started acting out.

03:59

I just didn't, I didn't understand anything. You know, I remember my, my, my fifth grade teacher,

04:05

Mr. Orr is just, he's out of his mind. Oh, is he here? Oh, he's not here. Yeah.

04:11

And he, uh, he was so mean and, uh, I used to get really, I used to make him laugh a lot, but it was at my own peril, you know, it wasn't until later on when

04:23

I was in, in 11th grade, when I realized you have to be a smart comic, you have to look at the teacher and see when she said, she gives you to go ahead, go ahead.

04:32

You know, not today or, you know, so, okay. So you picked up certain tips along, along the way, the cues.

04:41

Yeah. I picked up how to, how to, how to work it and not get in trouble because I never liked getting in trouble.

04:48

Yeah. That was one of those guys. You grew up in an Italian home? Yes. My mom was Italian. My dad was

04:53

Norwegian. You're in trouble most of the time. Oh yeah. Yeah. Just, just when you, when you're sitting around a table and you're eating spaghetti, they would tell, you know, the

05:01

Italians, they were screaming, suck it up, you know? And then my brother's, my dad's going, bite it, you know, you better not, you better not abide it, you know?

05:09

So it was like that kind of stuff going on and, you know, so it was like this thing going on.

05:15

So you recognize that somewhat of an early age that you had a, a talent for, for comedy?

05:22

Oh yeah. Okay. And when did you think that this was something that, you know, maybe I really should pursue this?

05:28

You know, let me just tell you something. I think I really started being funny most of the time when, because my dad used to drink a lot and he would come home from work.

05:37

He's an asbestos worker. So he had a really, you know, he was always working in heat and, and, and, and putting asbestos over hot steaming pipes and stuff.

05:45

And, and, uh, you know, it was, it was a miserable, miserable job and he would, he would drink on the way home and then he would come home and he, and we could tell if he came home after a certain time that he's, he stopped, he stopped at the bar, you know?

06:00

And uh, I would, I would be ready for my dad to come into the house because I've learned at a very young age, you don't want to be around an angry drunk guy.

06:08

You want to be around a happy one. So I would always try to do something funny as soon as my dad walked in the door.

06:15

You know, I'd be sitting on the couch and I put my, my boots on my knees like I was a little person and my dad would go, look at this kid, you know, he'd be going, where's my car?

06:27

You know, he had a helmet warmer. He had this helmet warmer. I got, I got to show you this cause

06:33

I actually put this in my act. I might as well do it, right? Go ahead. Yeah. Yeah. Well let me move this water cause I'm going to spill it.

06:40

Anyway. Where'd everybody go? Oh, oh, they're over here. Yeah. Um, I got it.

06:46

Hold on. That didn't work. Wait a second. I got this. My dad used to go work and he had helmets and he would have these helmet warmers, you know, and they would put them under their helmets to stay warm.

06:57

This isn't one. This is actually a flight helmet. And my dad would come in, he'd throw everything on the couch.

07:03

And I remember one time my dad came home and goes, I want you kids to get up to your room. Get all of your kids.

07:08

I don't want anybody making noise. Get up to your room. And I just grabbed this helmet warmer. I just started.

07:18

And my dad's going, Hey, look at the monkey. Look at the monkey. This is hysterical. Look at the monkey.

07:24

Let's take the monkey to the restaurant. Come on. We're going to go to the restaurant. Mom's driving. Let's go to the restaurant.

07:30

And I'm walking around the restaurant with this thing on going, you know, people say, what the heck is wrong with that kid? And my brother's going, don't say anything.

07:37

Don't say anything. If my dad finds out, that's my brother. We're all in trouble. So you realize at an early age that comedy can diffuse.

07:47

Oh, yeah. And in school, the reason why I was a comedian, always trying to be funny is because I wanted to be accepted.

07:53

You know, I was kind of a lanky guy. You know, I had three types of hair on my head, a very thin hair on the top, very, very curly tight hair in the back, around the back, and on the sides, it was wavy.

08:07

And I would have three different types of hair. My mom would actually make fun of me. How am I supposed to cut this? So I was really very awkward.

08:16

And you know, Alec Baldwin was like on a football team, and I was on a track team. And I was just a nut.

08:21

You know, I would just do crazy stuff. I did some really crazy stuff. He's a comedian in his own right. Yeah.

08:27

Just his life in general. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Anyway. All right. He's who he is. Are some of the characters in your routines based on real life people?

08:37

Yes. I do this one character, Eppie Epperman. Yes. That's one of the characters. Yeah. Well, you'll see him in a show maybe.

08:45

All right. All right. He kind of wears his glasses like this. He's like, hey, how you guys doing? This is excellent. Why is the giraffe's head so long?

08:51

Well, no, his neck. Why is his neck so long? Why is the giraffe's neck so long? Because his head is so high.

08:57

I figured that out all for myself. It has to be long because the head is so high.

09:05

Yeah. That's Eppie. I was on the road doing comedy, and I was in this comedy club in Columbus, Ohio.

09:14

We were snowed in. We're actually snowed in. The club closed, and there's three feet of snow outside. I'm sitting at the bar.

09:21

I knew a club owner who kind of had this lispy talk like this.

09:27

I love talking. He talked like this. This is how a guy talks. I'm going to pay you $5,

09:33

Bobby Nelson. You're going to get $5 tonight. You're going to put it up for the good rats. $5.

09:39

That's all you get. I love the way he talked. We're in Columbus.

09:45

We're all sitting around the bar, and all of a sudden, the door comes flying open, and snow comes flying in, and this guy comes in.

09:52

He's got the black glasses on. He has it all taped up with this white electrical tape. He's going, holy cow.

10:00

It's crazy out there. It's nuts. Oh, my God. Hey, I'm here.

10:06

I'm a tow truck driver. If anybody needs a jump, I'm here for you. I can't tow you or anything because I kind of got stuck in the gully, but I have really long jumper cables if you need a jump.

10:17

I thought that was a funny way of thinking. That was the birth of Eppie. Yeah, and that was the birth of Eppie. He actually wasn't even in my show.

10:23

He was in another, the Nelson Snelson. He came out of that because it was a character within the show that I do.

10:30

Was one of your relatives or one of your brothers or sisters the kid who was yelling for the toilet paper?

10:35

Oh, yeah. It's probably my little brother. Yeah. Do you have a favorite character?

10:43

My favorite character, you know what's funny because my favorite character changes as time goes on. I get tired of one and then

10:49

I'll move on to another. I get inspired by one. My favorite character right now is Jiffy Jeff Jaworski.

10:55

I do this character. He's punch drunk. Yep. And he's an old time fighter. Hi, how you doing? My name is

11:01

Jiffy Jeff Jaworski. I'm a fighter. My nose was busted in 14 different places.

11:07

Now I can't smell nothing. So if you have roses, they look very pretty, but you could have to describe to me how they smell.

11:15

What else? What else going on? Yeah, I'll be in the show a little bit later.

11:21

I don't want to throw out too many jokes, but that's me. Jiffy Jeff. Jeff. What? Somebody call me?

11:30

Did you hear somebody say Jeff? Jeff. We did it again. Who is that? Jeff. Yes, that's the character.

11:36

I love doing him now. I'm thinking of, you know, it's so funny because I'm from the 1900s and it's really difficult to be in the 2000s and this whole media, this social media stuff,

11:49

I'm so bad at it. You know, the Instagram. I don't even know how to work it. When people message me on Facebook, like they'll message my relatives and they'll say, hey,

12:00

Bob, how are you doing? I haven't heard from you in a long time. And then I answer them, but I don't even know I answered them. I thought I just looked at it and I read it.

12:06

Right. But then I look again and it's got, there's 16 thumbs up. Things are really good.

12:13

What is wrong with you? I'll go, what do you mean? What's wrong? I mean, what's with the thumbs up? I go, what do you mean?

12:19

I had no idea. So, so in social, what I'm thinking about doing is having Jiffy Jeff run for president.

12:25

Oh, I like that. I have Jiffy Jeff Jaworski and I would like to be the president of the United States. He got a good shot at this point.

12:32

I think, hey, if there was a guy, a guy in Pennsylvania, he had a stroke of luck and he, and he, and he's, he's a

12:40

Senator. I could think, I could do that. Biden's not a, I took a five star.

12:46

Biden is a little smarter than me, but I don't know how much. Just have

12:52

Jiffy Jeff run for president. So you said you're, you're a comedian from the 1900s and Red Skelton was one of your heroes.

13:06

What was it about him? Red Skelton is a kind of very instrumental. It's a whole long, my testimony is, is incredible and it's kind of intertwined with Red Skelton.

13:18

He, he's very important to me because Rodney Dangerfield was my comedy godfather.

13:27

Red Skelton, wait, what am I saying? Godfather? What is it? The, oh, mentor. Yeah. Rodney was sort of my, my, my godfather, but Red Skelton is, is like my, my mentor and he actually stopped me from cursing, you know,

13:44

I'd never really cursed a lot, but you know, I was, you know, I grew up in Mass Pequot and I would go into the city and you have to, you have to go up against these guys in the city,

13:53

Jerry Seinfeld, Bill Maher, Larry Miller, you know, and they're all pretty dirty and anything goes, you know, my stuff was more like a

14:02

Robin Williams. I didn't really have an act. I just kind of like ran through the audience, did stupid stuff, did characters, whatever I thought of,

14:07

I would do. And so what was I talking about? What was I thinking?

14:13

You were getting into Red Skelton. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So I never really felt like I belonged, you know, and I remember sitting with Red Skelton and he kept it,

14:23

I, when I first met him, it was kind of strange cause I was opening for Rodney and Rodney was at the, at the

14:30

Caesar's Palace and then he moved to Bally's because the steam room blew up and he sued them and everything and all this stuff went on.

14:37

So Red Skelton was at Caesar's Palace when we were at Bally's cause Red and Rodney used to work at Caesar's Palace together.

14:43

So when we moved to Bally's, we were in Bally's and Red was in Caesar's Palace and I was,

14:51

I was kind of a Christian, you know, I wanted to be a Christian. My wife was always been a

14:56

Christian and I didn't know how to be a Christian. You know, I was just trying to go through the motions cause I grew up being a manipulator, you know, even just manipulate you through.

15:03

I don't have to know my business. All I have to know is everybody else's business and I'll get by. So Rodney's work in Bally's, he's in Red Skelton's Across the

15:13

Street and it says, you know, Red Skelton and red lettering. And my wife says Red Skelton's Across the

15:19

Street. She knows I love Red Skelton cause I'm very influenced by his comedy, you know, when I was a kid. That's where Nelson Schmelzen comes from.

15:26

You know, my dad, we used to always watch my dad, you know, Red Skelton. And I would, as a kid,

15:31

I'm like five, six years old, I'm going, how come, how come Clem Cadittlehopper is never with Freddy the

15:37

Freeloader? How come they never talk to each other? And my dad would go, it's the same guy, you idiot. You know,

15:42

I go, what do you mean? You know, cause I was convinced they were two different people. So that's why I did Nelson Schmelzen.

15:48

I have my characters talking to each other. Anyway, so Red's Across the Street and we'd run across the street and we just finished opening for Rodney and I run across the street to get to Red's show and I sit in the audience and the security guard comes over and says,

16:01

Mr. Skelton wants to meet you. Wow. I go, Mr. Skelton doesn't know me. And they go, yes, he wants to meet you.

16:07

He's in the back. I said, the show's going to start in half an hour. He doesn't want to, you can stop it. And I said, no, he wants to meet you.

16:12

I said, guys, don't do this. I'm thinking they're going to take me in the back behind the stage and tape me to a chair.

16:17

Cause you know, the security guards, they're always doing something for fun. So I told my wife, I said, you're coming with me.

16:23

Cause if they tape me up, you could actually take, they're not going to tape you up. They wouldn't do that. So you can take the tape off me. She goes, what are you talking about?

16:29

I said, no, he doesn't. Yes, he does. So we go back and I meet Red Scott. He goes, hello,

16:34

Bob. How are you doing? I was like, oh, I'm red. You know me? I sure do. I saw you on Johnny Cartham. You did the, you did the pantomime routine.

16:42

Wow. Where are you? And, and I, you know, in the routine, I go, I go, this is a pantomime.

16:48

And I talked during it and he goes, well, you know, when you talk during the pantomime, you're automatically disqualified from that category.

16:54

I said, I am. If you are. So I said, I am. I go, what am I doing? He goes, you're doing what I would call a verbal mime.

17:01

I said, a verbal mime? I never heard of it. I just made it up. You're legitimate now. You can just say it's a verbal mime. You try and get by with that.

17:08

And while I was sitting there with my wife, he says to me, is there anything you want to ask me? And I go, no.

17:15

There's no question that you have for me that, you know, has been, you know, kind of digging at you all these years.

17:21

And I go, no. I don't know what he was talking about. And I had no idea what he kept, and Trisha's going, you must have something.

17:28

My wife's going, you must have something. I go, nothing. I don't know what. And he goes, well, that's okay.

17:33

When you think of it. And then finally I go, you know something, Red? I don't feel comfortable with my colleagues.

17:39

I don't feel comfortable with Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Maher and Paul Reiser.

17:44

All these guys, they used to come on stage and mock me because I work with props and hats and toys and things, you know. And they said, you use your wit, you know.

17:51

You don't need that stuff. They actually came on stage and took my stuff off stage once. I still performed. I kept going. It didn't matter.

17:58

And then after the show, they said, see, you used your wit. I said, well, I still did the same act.

18:03

I just didn't have my visual aids with me, you know, because they're not props. They're more visual aids.

18:08

When I put a hat on, I'm a different character. So I said, Red, I don't feel like I belong with these guys, like I don't fit in with the comedians.

18:16

He goes, well, Bob, that's because you're not a comedian. I said, I'm not? He goes, no, no, you're a clown.

18:22

You're a clown, just like me. But you don't have a circus that you're with, so you're borrowing this stage for the time, and you're doing your own thing.

18:31

And it set me free. I was like, I'm not a comedian. I'm a clown. I'm a clown. I'm a clown. You know, so I'm on stage, and I'm a clown, you know.

18:40

So I was excited about that. How many of your teachers called you a clown, and you didn't believe it? All did.

18:46

So they were right. So he says to me, he says, and then later on, and while we're talking, he goes, and I'm very proud of you, too.

18:52

I said, Red, you're proud of me? He goes, yes, I am. And I go, why are you proud of me? He goes, well, because you don't curse in your act.

18:59

And I go, no, I do curse. It was something I've been thinking about, you know, because my wife's Christian, and I shouldn't be cursing.

19:04

I'm meeting all these Christian people and pastors and hanging with the guys and everything. Not at the time you weren't there, but other guys.

19:13

And he said, you don't curse in your act. And I did. I said, no, Red, I curse a little bit here and there. I have a couple of characters.

19:19

I do a guy from Brooklyn, and hey, I do it because that's how they talk. You're dead. Yeah, you have to, hey, that's how you talk.

19:25

You know, you say dirty words. And he goes, no, you don't curse at all in your act. I go, Red, I do.

19:31

No, you don't. And I said, I don't understand. And my wife says to me, she goes, Bob, don't you get it? From now on, you don't curse.

19:40

He's passing the torch to you. From now on, you don't curse. And I said, Red, is that what you're telling me? He goes, well,

19:46

I was trying to. And of course, you know, I'm pretty arrogant at the time. I'm fighting back a little bit.

19:53

I go, what's the big deal if I curse? I mean, you know, what's the big deal? Why can't I curse? He goes, well, let me explain something to you.

19:59

Laughter does good like a medicine. Now, I didn't know that was scripture. I don't know scripture. He goes, laughter does good like a medicine.

20:07

And when you curse in your comedy, it doesn't have the healing effect it's supposed to. And I was like, wow.

20:14

I'm a doctor. But no, you know what I'm saying? Yes, I do. It does. It has a healing effect.

20:20

It's proven. But I'm not really a doctor. Dr. Clown. I'm more of an anesthesiologist.

20:26

I put you out for a little bit. I hope you forget about your problems. Amen. I can't heal you like God. So was that the entree into coming to faith?

20:41

That was part of it. It was all intertwined. It was a process because I was very difficult.

20:47

I was very difficult. Even when I was a kid, I was terrified.

20:52

I was Catholic and I was terrified of going into a confessional booth. But God was always there with me. I remember

20:57

I was terrified. I couldn't even remember the act of contrition. And I remember the priest inside the box getting mad at me.

21:05

Start again. Start again. What do you mean start again? Bless me,

21:11

Father, if I've sinned. And I'm going to keep sinning. And I didn't know what I was saying. And he got really mad at me.

21:19

And I said, I'm not going in there again. I'm not going in there. And when we had the confession, we had to go in there. And I remember one of the priests say, listen, you don't have to go in the confession booth anymore.

21:27

You just confess your sins to me, which is really confessing to God. And we'll just walk around the property every

21:34

Saturday and I'll say that you confessed, you did the confession. So God made a way for me because there was no way

21:40

I was going in that box again with that guy. So how did it progress to you actually becoming a

21:48

Christian? God was always there. My wife was a

21:53

Christian. She would always talk about God. And she would hand me a Bible. I was one of those guys that would take that.

21:58

Thank you. So what else was going on? I just didn't want anything to do with it.

22:05

And what happened was I was doing really well. I was being blessed in my comedy.

22:11

And I was doing great things. I had to run Dangerfield for HBO special Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.

22:18

I did a couple of movies, blah, blah, blah. I'm doing all this stuff. And we were actually in the

22:26

Mark Hellinger Theater in New York City. My son is like three weeks old, three months old.

22:34

I'm trying to remember when it was. Anyway, we're in the Mark Hellinger Theater. And I go backstage.

22:40

And my wife's out there all by herself. I never took her backstage with Rodney and everything. Everybody's partying and everything. And I didn't really pay attention.

22:46

I was stupid to do that. And my wife was left alone in the

22:52

Mark Hellinger Theater. And she rededicated right there on the stage. Because there's angels all over the ceiling in that theater. And she rededicated her life to God and this and that.

23:01

Not this and that. That's stupid to say. Not this and that. But whatever she was doing, she was lifting him up and saying,

23:10

I don't want to do this no more. This is really bad. And as time went on, I was becoming very, because I was always a manipulator.

23:17

And people would say, why are you with her? She's dragging you down. And even people in ministry would be telling me, you have a talent.

23:28

You have a gift. But I knew that she was right. And she would always be. Because I had in my mind,

23:37

I'm a sinner. Because when I'm on stage, I'm checking out the girls in the audience.

23:45

And I'm looking at them. And I'm flirting with them. Not literally talking to them or anything.

23:50

But I'm doing my little number there. And I'm getting kicks out of it. And my wife could see it because she's my wife.

23:58

And she starts saying, you shouldn't do that. You shouldn't do that. And I'm going, what am

24:04

I doing? You can't prove it. That kind of thing in my head. And I'm manipulating the whole thing. And then

24:09

I started, the ministry guys would be saying, I'm watching my stage. He's not doing nothing. Yes, he is.

24:18

So one day I actually said to my wife, this is when I'm hearing about God and I'm starting to get convicted about things.

24:25

And nobody knows I'm getting convicted except for me. One day I just said to my wife, because she's always throwing scripture at me at the time.

24:34

Not throwing it at me. She would be giving me good scripture that would make me think. But I would totally reject it.

24:40

Bam, reject it. But it would sink in. And I'd go, wow, where's she getting this stuff?

24:45

You know what I mean? And one day I just said to her, I says, you know something? You always talk about the joy of the

24:52

Lord. Where's your joy? Because she was so angry at me. And it stopped her in her tracks.

24:59

And she goes, yeah, where is my joy? Where is my joy? And then at that moment, she stopped talking to me.

25:08

She just went right back to God and started praying to God and just gave me the silent treatment.

25:14

And I couldn't deal with it. I was like, here's this woman, now she's not talking to me.

25:22

So she's got the upper hand now. And on top of that, she's being nice. She's being a

25:28

Christian woman. She's being nice. She's saying all the right things. But she's saying them really the right way.

25:34

I know in my mind I'm thinking she's just saying, you know, people might be saying, well, she's just saying it because she's being flippant or something or she's just being a wise guy.

25:43

But she meant what. She was actually showing love to people who were saying bad things to her that I was not doing.

25:52

You know what I mean? I was a bad guy. He's not a bad guy. She knows

25:57

I'm a bad guy. I know I'm a bad guy. And she's like just lifting them up, you know, not apologizing or anything, but just, you know, being good.

26:06

And she's smiling and she's laughing and she's talking to people. And I'm flipping out.

26:11

I'm going, how is she doing this? Why is she happy? Yeah, why is she happy? How is she able to talk to my family and be really sweet and nice and I can't even do that, you know?

26:25

And I'm, like, totally messed up about it. And then she just stopped talking to me and I couldn't stay in the house anymore and I had an office in Northport.

26:36

Should I tell you this story? It's kind of like where I became saved. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I want to hear it. You want to hear this? It's a little long, but, you know, it's kind of weird.

26:45

And I had an office in Northport. And in Northport's noted people say there's witchcraft there and all this

26:51

Satan stuff on the thing and everything. I had this office and in my office was up against a hill.

26:58

It was across the street from the fire department, Northport's fire department. And it was built into a hill. And it was all bricks in my office.

27:06

There were, like, all these bricks behind me and they were really old bricks, you know, really orangey, reddish bricks. And, like, a couple of weeks before the guy says to me, yeah, this is a nice apartment.

27:17

I remember when they built it years ago. He's an old guy. He's going, this used to be an Indian burial ground over here. I go, yeah, right.

27:24

Yeah. And, you know, that kept in the back of my head, you know. So my wife's not talking to me.

27:30

I think I'm going to go to the office. And now I would go to the office. I'd bring my son and stuff. And he'd be going.

27:36

One day he says to me, what's behind that wall? Somebody's behind that wall. I go, what are you talking about?

27:42

Stop with the cartoons, you know, whatever. He's, you know, I'm thinking, what does Wiley call you? He's actually said the thing.

27:49

This was weeks before, you know, when he would come to the office with me. So I go to my office and I can't stay home.

27:56

My wife doesn't want me in the house. I can tell. It's not a good situation. I'm in my office. And it's in the side of a hill.

28:04

The office is downstairs with all the bricks. Then there's a spiral staircase that goes up to a loft. And there's these big windows that look at trees and the sky, you know, the skylights.

28:16

And it was a heat pump. And it was,

28:22

I remember it was like in the summer. And it just was starting to get, it was like around October, November.

28:29

It was starting to get colder. And the heat pump would kick on. And it would go like that.

28:34

And I'm laying in this little futon on top of the thing. It's windy and it's starting to rain a little bit.

28:40

And the heat pump goes on. It goes. It goes. Whenever it turned off, that's what it did.

28:51

I'm going, what the heck? You know, and I'm laying there. And it just kept going on and going off. And then the trees would start flying around.

28:58

I'm thinking, when are these trees going to come through that and kill me? Going to come right through that? So I go back down.

29:03

I go down the stairs. Almost slip because I'm still wet, you know. And I realize everything, my feet are wet because the carpet was wet.

29:12

I'm going, why is the carpet wet? I go into my office area where the wall is. And there's blood coming out of the wall.

29:19

I thought it was blood. But it was rust from the bricks or something. They're coming through the wall and dripping.

29:27

And I hear like. And I'm thinking, okay,

29:34

I made a pact with the devil. I'm not coming to the Lord and something's wrong here.

29:40

I don't even know what a sinner's prayer is at this point. I never even heard it. I mean, we weren't going to those types of churches, you know.

29:48

And so the water's coming down. But I literally thought it was blood.

29:54

I started losing my mind. And I go outside. And I go outside. And it's raining, you know, really windy and raining.

30:01

A very like misty kind of rain. And I'm walking. And, you know, and of course, the fire department thing goes.

30:09

And I'm like, oh, boy, you know. And I'm in the parking lot. And it starts to rain.

30:15

And then there's cracks of thunder and lightning.

30:21

And I'm saying, okay, I'm dead. I'm going to die right here. I'm going to get killed.

30:27

Like a Martin Luther thing. And then I realized. And then I started saying to myself, why is this happening to me?

30:32

How come my wife. If I'm with this woman for 24 -7, I'm the master manipulator.

30:39

And I'm not even in control of her. If I can't control her, I'm not in control. This is what is going through my head.

30:45

And I realized I'm not in control at all. And I'm lost. And, you know, I'm thinking my mom used to save.

30:51

She used to like collect devils and everything. She would always say the devil made me do it. She'd be flirting with other men across the table while we're eating.

30:59

She'd be, can I share a sweet and low with you? That kind of thing, you know. And it was kind of freaky, yucky, you know.

31:05

And she's had these devils all over. And I'm thinking, I must be a devil worshiper. I must be a devil person.

31:12

You know, all my aunts would like love the witchcraft stuff, you know. And so now

31:17

I'm saying, God, you know, this is not good. I don't want to be this. I don't know what

31:23

I'm supposed to do. But I need you in my life. If you're out there, I need you in my life.

31:29

I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. And I'm serious. And I remember saying, even if my wife doesn't come back to me,

31:39

I don't want to go through this again. That's what I said. And I kind of released my wife because she was my idol.

31:45

And I was sad, you know, because I don't want to do this again. And I was terrified. And I remember it raining, and I went back in the office.

31:52

I felt stupid and wet. I went home, and I snuck in the house, and I slept behind the couch.

32:00

I was behind the couch soaking wet in my house, you know. And, you know, the dog's giving me away, and my wife's walking around.

32:07

She's not even coming to check on me. And poor me, you know, I'm like all this. You know, I don't know what

32:13

I'm doing. I'm laying there like an idiot, you know. I'm 6 '9". I'm pretty tall, aren't

32:18

I? So I'm laying there, and I'm just like, this is nuts. And I remember her just coming in on that day.

32:27

She comes in, and she looks at me. And then she shook her head or something and walked out.

32:35

I was like, this is horrible. This is horrible. I'm such a failure. I'm so, what is wrong with me?

32:41

And I was like at the end of my rope. And then she came back in the house, and she says, I just want to tell you something because I don't want you to hear it from somebody else because I know you're going to be upset.

32:52

She said, Peter Allen passed away. I used to open for Peter Allen. He was one of the guys I opened for. And I liked

32:58

Peter Allen. He actually was doing a show at that time.

33:03

He was trying to get this Legs Diamond started, which is a very sexual, very sexual crazy show.

33:09

And it was at the Mark Hellinger Theater that he was going to do it. So I had this connection with him.

33:15

And she says, I want you to know he died. And after she told me that, I realized, why did she tell me that? And I realized there's a break in the clouds here.

33:23

She does care for me. She cares for me enough to tell me that Peter Allen died. And I thought, and I didn't know what was going on with her, but she felt

33:31

God telling her to give him another chance. It was my second chance. And then when she did that, I was like, wow, she really does love me.

33:38

And Peter Allen died. He was fighting Times Square Church for the property, the

33:45

Mark Hellinger Theater, and he said, David Wilkins is going to get this church over my dead body.

33:51

And he died. And that was the church that my wife rededicated her life and my son.

34:03

So now, David Wilkinson's in that church. A year later, before that,

34:10

I'm saved now, and I'm trying my best. I'm manipulating still. I'm trying not to manipulate.

34:15

God's telling me, don't manipulate. You could strategize, but don't manipulate. Be honest. Do this. So I'm trying to learn to become a comedian.

34:22

And I go into church, and we go to Times Square Church, and my wife goes, we get invited by a pastor to go to Times Square Church.

34:30

We go in there, and my wife goes, this is the theater you did with Rodney. I go, no, that's not it. It's a church.

34:37

She goes, no, this is where I rededicated my life. So she starts welling up. She starts crying. I'm sitting there in the church, and it's a beautiful choir.

34:45

And the leader of the choir is a woman,

34:51

Gwendolyn, I remember. And she's singing, and they do a break where they're just praising the Lord. And all of a sudden, she stops, and she points to me, and she goes, didn't

35:00

I ever tell you you're the apple of my eye? And it hit me like, was

35:07

God telling me that? And I remember breaking down so hard. I was crying and sweating, and I couldn't even talk.

35:13

My wife is like going, are you okay? I couldn't even talk. I'm like going. And so it got worse before it got better.

35:28

When you become saved, you have to, if the foundation is off, because my whole foundation of doing comedy was all wrong.

35:38

I'm thinking, okay, Jesus, get on the train. We're on our way. I've got to deal with Disney. I'm doing a movie with Ivan Reitman.

35:47

I'm opening for Rodney. I'm doing some stuff with Rodney. I'm going to do some more HBO specials. I've got this going on. I'm going, Jesus, get on the train.

35:54

Let's go. Let's show the world. And it was like all of a sudden the brakes went on.

35:59

Jesus is going, I'm not getting on that train with you. And it was a train wreck. My whole life became a train wreck.

36:05

Everything crashed, because when you become a Christian in the world of Hollywood, they kick you out.

36:14

I lost everyone. I lost my agent. I lost my manager. I lost my publicist. All because I started turning stuff down.

36:22

I did a movie called This Is My Life with Julie Kavner and Dan Aykroyd. And then she was doing another movie called

36:27

Lucky Numbers. And she said, I want Bob to do this part. And I said, what's the part?

36:33

And they go, you play a New York City detective. Oh, that's great. New York guy, really tough guy. Oh, yes, that's great.

36:38

He goes, you have a really filthy mouth. It's not so great. You have a really filthy mouth, and you like to hang out at strip clubs.

36:45

And every scene you're in, you're at a strip club, and you're really funny, and you're very physical, and you do your thing, and you have a filthy mouth.

36:53

And I'm going, I can't do that. And they said, why can't you do it? I said, because I don't want to do that.

37:00

What do you mean you don't want to do it? Oh, no, you don't have to audition for this part. It's John Travolta and Lucy Caldwell, and you could be in this movie.

37:06

I said, I can't do it. They said, no, what do you mean you can't do it? I don't want to do that. Can you get me a Disney movie?

37:12

I didn't have a deal with Disney. They're going, no, you don't want to do this movie? And then my agent's going, well, we can't work with you if you're going to turn this down.

37:20

And I had to turn it down. I turned it down. And that's, you know, it was weird, because they were saying to me, it's not real,

37:28

Bob. It's a movie. You're pretending. And I said, well, when I'm, because I've done movies,

37:33

I said, when I'm doing the movie, am I going to be in a strip club? Yeah, we're going to shoot in a strip club. I said, there are going to be naked women there.

37:38

Yeah, there's going to be naked women there. And I said, can I change where I don't curse?

37:44

Maybe I don't curse at all. Everybody else curses. I don't curse. And they're going, no. I said, but if there's women there and they're naked, and I'm going to be in a strip club, they said, but it's not real.

37:55

I said, it's real to me. And I actually told my agent, I go, I have a lust issue. He goes, what?

38:02

You have a what? I said, I like to look at women, and I'm married, and I shouldn't do that.

38:07

He goes, what are you talking about? And he was like, he couldn't believe I was saying that.

38:13

And then he tells my publicist and my agent, and they're going, well, let's just drop this guy. I mean, what is he doing? So it was like a train wreck.

38:20

It was really horrible. Then I couldn't break into, am I talking too much?

38:26

No. I'm trying to break into the Christian. I'm thinking, OK, now I'm a Christian comedian. I'm a Christian comedian. And God's going, no, you're not.

38:32

You're a comedian who's Christian. You're not a Christian comedian. I don't want to take you out of there. And I'm thinking, but I just, everything's a train wreck.

38:39

I'm kicked out. What are you talking about? And I'm trying to work churches and stuff, and I'm trying to get in and work the churches.

38:46

And I remember one time I'm doing the church, and the evangelist says to me, he goes, what you've got to do is go on the internet and scrub everything that you've ever done.

38:55

Get it all off there. I said, what do you mean? He goes, all the filthy stuff. I said, it's not a lot.

39:00

You can do it. Get all the filthy stuff. I said, but that's who I am. That's my stuff. That's part of my testimony. I don't do that no more.

39:06

And I did do it. This way people could relate that they did something bad. And he goes, no, no.

39:12

You can't do that. You've got to get it. And I said to him, I said, well, if I have to scrub, are you telling me that, what about Peter?

39:18

I said, what about Peter? And Paul. I said, what about Paul? I said, would you, so you're telling me you wouldn't let

39:26

Paul preach in your church because of all the stuff he's done? Because he didn't want me to perform it.

39:31

Because he, you know, whatever. And I started to realize that. And I thought, I'm not, Christians are not going to bother me.

39:38

Out of nowhere, Michael W. Smith calls me up, says, I want you to open with me and Max Locato.

39:43

We're going to go on a tour in the Midwest. We're doing a big thing. Hungry. Thirsty for God. And he gave that to me.

39:50

But it was just for like a season. And then God said, OK, you see, you're accepted with these guys.

39:55

They love you. I love you. Now get out there and do your job. Amen. And you know.

40:05

So I want you to fast forward to like a couple of years ago.

40:11

You had a health issue. OK. Right. Tell everybody what your health issue was and how your faith helped you through it.

40:20

Yeah. October 23, 2020. I knew something was wrong with my insides.

40:27

And I couldn't get a colonoscopy because it was right around the COVID thing.

40:33

You couldn't have elective surgery, which was a colonoscopy. You couldn't get it. And I said, well, there's something wrong here.

40:39

And they say, well, don't worry about it. It's probably amyloids. And I don't know. So I go. And finally, in October, I was able to get a colonoscopy because I couldn't afford it.

40:49

I was making too much money to get covered and not enough that I could pay for it for myself.

40:56

But I ended up somehow, because I wasn't working, because I couldn't work. I was sick. I went.

41:02

And then I did the colonoscopy. And he comes out. He goes, well, you've got a tumor. You've got a big one. And I think it's cancerous.

41:09

Like, bam, just like that. And I go, whoa, what? He says, yeah, it's like the size of a softball. It's big.

41:16

And I was suffering. When I was trying to go to the bathroom, when the intestine comes down, it does this little turn.

41:23

I don't know if you've ever seen it. It does a turn. And then it goes down. It goes like this. And that's the Sigmund Freud. The Sigmund Freud.

41:29

Ha, ha. No, it's the Sigmund Freud. It's the sigmoid. Sigmoid.

41:34

Sigmoid area. Right on the curve. That's where I had this tumor. Right where the rectum and the sigmoid meet.

41:41

And I was on the toilet. I'm sorry to be graphic. But I'm on the toilet. And I'm passing out almost.

41:47

And I'm actually trying to go. And I'm throwing up because of the pain and everything. It was brutal.

41:54

Anyway, so it was too big to do anything with. They had to shrink it. And so I do the six months of chemo.

42:01

Then I do the four months of radiation. And it was heavy -duty chemo because it was big.

42:09

It was stage three, which means that it went through my colon area into some lymphoid area, lymph nodes.

42:18

So they had to go in there and clean that all out. But they had to take out a section of the sigmoid and the rectum.

42:25

But they had to shrink it first. And so they did. And I had a really great surgeon who came through one of the

42:34

Lord's people because I had no clue. I was having trouble with my oncologist going, just pick one.

42:40

And I'm going to these guys going, I can't do the surgery. This is out of my league. I had to get a really specialized guy to be able to do that.

42:47

Otherwise, I'm not going to have anything to use down there. So I find a surgeon, and they put the little bag on me for a couple of months because everything was all cut out.

43:00

And then they took the bag off and reconnected me. And now I have all this scar tissue, and it's really difficult.

43:09

I have to watch what I eat. I watch what I eat, but as I'm watching, I'm realizing that's not what

43:15

I should be eating. I'm watching me eat all the wrong stuff. And it's really hard.

43:22

So your family of faith came alongside you, correct? Yes. You know what happened? When I was going through this,

43:28

I was a bad, bad patient. I mean, I'm in there, and I'm sitting there, and I got all these tubes in me.

43:36

Hundreds, not hundreds, but wires, tubes. I had all these bags. I'd get in there at 8 o 'clock in the morning, and they'd start me.

43:44

And then other people would come in, and they'd finish, and they'd go. And I'm going, how come it's sunk? Well, you've got a big thing in there.

43:49

So I had to go home with a ball connected to me that went into the chest with a port thing that they had in there that just squeezes it in for three days.

43:58

Anything you eat during the time you got that, you'll never eat it again because you think that's what's making you sick. So I can't drink coconut juice, water, coconut water.

44:07

Coconut water. Yeah, and some other things. All right. Anyway, and I had to keep it in a fanny pack.

44:12

If I see a fanny pack, somebody's wearing a fanny pack, I'm like. Because I'm thinking it's the fanny pack.

44:18

Because they might have coconut juice in there. Yeah, it has the C3 -4, whatever it was.

44:25

Anyway, so as I'm going through this, I don't know if I can do this. I'm complaining.

44:31

My wife's trying to help me, and she's doing her best, and she's in so much pain. I'm thinking, you know something?

44:36

It's better this way because I could handle this, the pain. I don't think I could handle the mental turmoil that they're going through.

44:43

My son and my wife. That's harder when you see somebody who's going through all the pain and all the bad stuff, and you're trying to figure out what's wrong.

44:54

Why is this happening to me? And I had a revelation. It really tests your faith. I always wanted to have, because once I became born again for real, and I was really trying to become a

45:04

Christian, I says, Lord, give me an eternal perspective. There's a song called

45:09

Brandon Heath, it's called Give Me Your Eyes. Give Me Your Eyes, God, and I also want to have an eternal perspective because we're thinking about Earth too much, and we need to know that eternity is a long time.

45:24

If anything's going to give you eternal perspective, it's stage 3 cancer because now you're thinking you're going to die.

45:30

I was in so much pain. I was going through so much. It was horrible. I mean, even in the hospital when they were doing all this stuff, and I remember laying there one night, and I thought to myself, how did

45:41

Jesus do it? How did he go through everything that he went through and went all the way to the end?

45:47

He went right to the cross and did everything he was supposed to. I would have stopped on the road when the guy says, let me hold the cross.

45:54

I said, take it and run. Seriously, I'm thinking, how did he go all the way?

46:01

I just wanted, and I started thinking, Jesus, I really felt like God saying to me, you could do this, Bob. There's a light at the end of the tunnel, and you're going to be able to help people because other people are going to go through this.

46:11

You can help them and help them understand that it's only for a season. But I still have trouble.

46:18

I'm wearing a diaper. I have to wear a diaper because if I, I've got to go.

46:25

No, I'm kidding. That happens to me. That happens to me. I used to make fun of guys.

46:30

When I worked at Branson, the audience, the old guys there, and I would smell, they would actually go in their pants.

46:36

And I would tell my friend, I'd go, hey, that guy in the front room, he went in his pants. And we'd be laughing about it.

46:42

And now I'm thinking, holy cow, I'm there now. Perspective. It's so sad.

46:47

I'm wearing a diaper. And I have all the scar tissue, and I have no control because a lot of the rectum's gone.

46:54

There's no place for it to stay. So if I eat the wrong thing, there's nothing stopping that. I was actually, literally,

47:01

I live in a, I lost my house. We lost everything, too. If I didn't have a

47:06

GoFundMe, I would not be here right now. I know my fans and the people and the Christians and all the help. But I'm standing, there's a place called, what is it called?

47:17

Leisure Village. I live there. I live in this little, tiny, little condo. I used to live in a house. I mean,

47:22

I had four barns. I had a quarter -acre pond. I had a 500 ,000 -square -foot house, and I had a cottage and a property, which we called the

47:31

Shunamite House, where we'd have parishes come in. This is when I was riding high, when I first became a Christian.

47:37

I'm standing there, holding my little puppy, who saved my life, while I had cancer and everything, when

47:46

I was going through. I'm holding her on the leash, and boom, I'm going. And I'm standing there.

47:52

This is humiliating. And I'm standing there. I'm going in my pants, and I'm thinking, this is so surreal.

47:57

Wow. And I'm saying to God, I'm going, this is unbelievable. And there are people who go through that all the time.

48:05

And we don't even understand, if somebody's having a bad day, that could have just happened to them.

48:13

You never know what's going on. Somebody could have, like, there was a lady who was sitting across from me with the tubes in her, and she had

48:20

COPD. What is it called? COPD, whatever it is, with the breathing thing. And I made her laugh, and I thought she was going to die, because she was coughing so hard.

48:31

And, you know, because she couldn't breathe from laughing. And they were all yelling at me.

48:37

You gave an accessory to murder. Yeah, yeah. And after the whole thing was over, she was thanking me. My dog died.

48:44

I had a little Shih Tzu puppy, dog, old man.

48:50

He was a rescue. He died. We had to actually, my landlord had me, when

48:57

I had cancer, we had to move. So I had to move furniture when I had cancer, and I had the ball on me, and my dog is sick.

49:04

And when we get to the place, my dog died. And I'm telling you, when

49:10

I finally got to Leisure Village, and I'm laying there, and my wife goes, we need another puppy. I go, we don't need a puppy.

49:16

Get a rescue, an older dog, but a couple of years from now. I don't want another dog now.

49:21

She ends up buying a puppy. She buys a puppy. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to get out of bed. I had to clean up after her.

49:29

I had to feed her. I had to walk her. And she saved my life because God was making me do what

49:35

I didn't want to do. And it's like, you never know how God's going to work with things.

49:41

I thought it was a big mistake telling my wife. It's a big mistake to get a dog. But I probably would have been laying in bed right now, just looking at the ceiling going, my career is over.

49:53

So your perspective on things. Not that it's not. Well, it's not. I'm joking. It's not. So your perspective on things, obviously, has changed.

50:01

And even in the midst of those things, you can still see, even though they're trials and even though they're tribulations, you still see

50:07

God's hand in the midst of them. And when you know that this is just a short time on earth, I don't know why, but for some reason,

50:15

I have so much more compassion for people. People who are in pain, people who are going through things, even people who do the wrong thing.

50:25

I just, I don't want them to, because if Hades is anything like the pain that I went through, even a little bit,

50:34

I don't want anybody to go through that. Because you never know why people do what they do, how they become the person they are.

50:42

I once heard somebody say, hurting people hurt people. People who are hurting are the people who hurt people.

50:47

And you don't really understand that until you're hurting. And you're laying there, and you're in pain, and you're being nasty to your wife.

50:55

For no reason. For no reason at all. I'm in pain. It's my pain.

51:01

It's my situation. I'm eating the wrong food. I'm the one who's pooping myself.

51:09

Why am I yelling at my wife? She didn't do anything. She's in my corner. She's my ally.

51:16

Amen. So, how about a little joy?

51:21

Oh, I can't do that. Are you ready? You guys want to see something funny?

51:27

I don't know. You want to see something funny? I've had a really hard time. Are you okay? Yeah, I think

51:33

I'll be all right. You know,

51:39

I've got to warm up. I haven't done so many things. I'm trying to reboot.

51:46

I'm trying to reboot my career. The thing is, I used to do some really fun stuff.

51:52

I was a clown before I was a comedian. I used to do balloon animals. I was really good at them. I was one of the fastest in the world.

52:02

See, now, why is that funny? Why is that funny? You know what's a really, really strange thing?

52:10

New Yorkers are the only ones who laugh at that. New Yorkers, people from Jersey, and maybe a few people from Connecticut, we all laugh at that.

52:18

The Northeast, we find that funny. Down South, not funny at all. Down South, it's not funny.

52:24

Here, it's like, holy cow, he almost took his eye out. Hey, Tony, remember when the fat guy slipped on the ice outside?

52:31

That was hysterical, wasn't it? Remember that? When his feet went from under him, boom, right under his butt. Remember? He's screaming, help me up, help me up.

52:39

I can't help him up. I'm laughing too hard. Remember that? The big fat guy, remember that? He cracked the sidewalk with his butt.

52:44

Did you know that? He broke the sidewalk with his butt. How do you break cement with Jell -O? I would like to know. Down South, it's like, holy cow, what's wrong with you?

52:52

Snapped a blue in my eye? Holy, what's wrong with you, boy? That's not funny. Snapped a blue in your head like that, that's dumb.

52:59

You're gonna go ahead and knock the eye right out of your head. You're gonna knock your eye out. You're gonna walk in a circle for a week till you get used to it.

53:07

Why don't you come on down here and have some fried chicken with us and we'll get a community up there and tell some jokes like it's supposed to do. Man, you're stupid.

53:14

I cannot believe how stupid, I thought my son was stupid, but you took the cake from him and you ate it.

53:23

I thought my son took the cake from him, stupidity, but you done stole it from him and you ate it, that's how it goes. Yeah, you're stupid.

53:31

You probably think it's mean I call my own son stupid. Well, let me tell you, this is what happened. My son come up to me one day and he said, he said,

53:38

Daddy, cause I'm his daddy. I know I'm his daddy. You know why?

53:44

Cause he looks just like me. My son is an image of me. He looks just like me, but he don't look nothing like his mama and that makes me kind of suspicious.

53:57

Anyway, my son come up to me and he said to me, he said, Daddy, I want a telescope for Christmas. I can't afford no telescope, so I bought him a magnifying glass.

54:05

Same thing going on, right? Make something small look bigger, but instead of looking at the planets and such, why don't you go ahead and look at that bug on the ground.

54:11

You got yourself a little bug with the magnifying glass. That there is a big bug, see? Little bug, big bug, little bug, big bug.

54:18

So I get in the magnifying glass. Here you go, son. Merry Christmas. My boy took the magnifying glass, went out in the yard with it and he started looking right up at the sun.

54:27

He's looking at the sun with a magnifying glass. I guess he thought it was a telescope. He's looking at the sun.

54:33

Now I knew there was trouble right off the bat cause I seen the white hot light just beating down on his forehead there. I seen me a puff of smoke go on up.

54:42

Make a long story short, my son done burned a hole clear through his head. He burned a hole.

54:47

I know he did cause I seen the bushes catch on fire behind him. Burned a hole through his head. The boy can't hardly ride a bicycle now.

54:55

Can't hardly ride a bicycle. Not without a loud whistle coming through that skull of his. But you know,

55:01

God is good because now when my boy rides his bicycle and the whistle gets to whistling, he don't hit no deer no more.

55:09

That was one of the routines I used to do. Anyway, Red Skelton.

55:16

He used to be famous for his pantomime. Well, he does pantomime.

55:21

I also do pantomime with sound effects and I talk during it. That's where he came up with the term verbal mime for me.

55:28

Anyway, I'm gonna do my verbal mime for you right now. This is pretty cool. I'm gonna act out.

55:34

See, this is an old style comedy. You don't see this done anymore cause nobody wants to see it.

55:40

No, it's just not a genre anymore. It's so funny cause when

55:45

I go... I shouldn't say anything. When I go to the clubs now, I'm like what are they talking about?

55:51

Where are they going with this? But anyway, I'm gonna do my verbal mime and I'm gonna act it out, okay?

55:59

Now, let me just explain to you what it is. I haven't done this in a while either. I hope I can still do it. If I can remember.

56:05

It's a story of a farmer who gets woken up in the early morning by all the animals on his farm and he has a confrontation with a duck, okay?

56:13

So it's a farmer versus duck. Now, oh good, good, she's here.

56:20

Now, I'll be playing the part of the farmer. I want you to picture this in your mind's eye. I'm the farmer.

56:26

Now, where am I? I'm upstairs in the farmhouse. The barn. The barn is off in the distance.

56:32

The sun is rising. The dew is on the grass. Watch your step.

56:38

The fog is lifting. And you hear the sound of morning on a farm. It sounds just like this.

56:46

Shooo, shoo, shoo, shoo. Shoot, shoot, shoot.

56:54

Boop, boop, boop.

57:00

Boop, boop, boop. Mooooo.

57:07

Mooooo. Roll over, honey. You're snoring again. Shut up out there, will ya?

57:34

You animals make so much noise in the morning, right outside my window, and I'm sick and tired of it.

57:44

Oh, a wise guy, eh? I missed him.

58:02

I'm not too good shooting a pistol. Dropped it.

58:31

Wait a second, I'll get him. I'll get him, hold on. Quack, quack.

58:46

Come on over here, ducky. Oh, here, here, here, look. Here's, here's, here's a, wait a second.

58:53

I'm gonna try something else first. Hold on. Hold on. Here we go.

59:19

I got this thing, hold on.

59:27

Where's that piece of, that piece of bait? Here you go, ready?

59:32

Here's a piece of bait for ya. There's a piece of bait out there, see it? Go on, take the bait.

59:40

I mean bread. I mean bread. It's right there, right next to the dynamite. See it? Right there.

59:58

Mushroom. That can't be, that was a whole stick of dynamite.

01:00:14

It's coming this way. Right in the eye, first shot.

01:00:26

I'll get him. So, what have you got to say for yourself now, little duck?

01:00:42

Uh -oh, huh? Don't get smart with me. I got you in my hands now.

01:00:49

I can do anything I want with you. Oh my God. Yes, you better start praying.

01:00:57

Because now I'm going to kill you. But I, I don't want to die.

01:01:06

What'd you say? I said, I don't want to die. You don't want to die, huh?

01:01:13

No. Well why not? Because. Because.

01:01:19

Because don't tell me nothing. Because why? Because I love you.

01:01:26

Oh, you love me? Yeah. I love you very, very, very, very, very, very much.

01:01:34

Well, you know you are kind of cute. I think I'm going to let you go now. What are you going to do when I let you go?

01:01:40

I'm going to poo -poo on your face. You're going to what on my face? Poo -poo.

01:01:46

Oh, you're going to poo -poo. Okay, Doug. This is it. Say goodbye. No. Don't leave me.

01:01:53

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I can't swim.

01:02:04

I can't swim. I'm a little baby.

01:02:10

Blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub. Oh, I can't go on.

01:02:25

I'm very sorry, but I know talk about you. I don't know what to do.

01:02:38

Uh oh. Uh oh. Uh oh.

01:02:43

Uh oh! Uh oh! Good bye! Good bye! He got away.

01:02:50

He gets away! How about that? Oh man.

01:02:57

I do not know what to do. Let's see, what else? I don't, I don't know how much, it goes exactly like this, goes exactly like this.

01:03:06

If you've ever wanted, if you've ever wanted to be a professional fighter, or just look like one, come on down to Jiffy Jeff's gym in New York City and learn how to become a professional fighter in eight short weeks.

01:03:18

And now, here's Jiffy Jeff, the proprietor of Jiffy Jeff's gym to give you four, that's right, he's going to give you four free tips on how to become a professional fighter in today's boxing world.

01:03:27

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jiffy Jeff. Hey, how you doing?

01:03:35

How you doing? How you doing? How you doing? Welcome, uh, let me get over here, let me get over here. How you doing?

01:03:40

Welcome to Jiffy, uh, Jiffy Jeff, hello, hello, hello, hello, uh, hello, oh, he hung up, he hung up, call back, call back.

01:03:52

I'm going to give you, uh, I'm Jiffy Jeff, and I'm going to give you four free tips on how to become a professional fighter.

01:04:00

Now, in order, in order, a fries, a Big Mac, and a Coke to go.

01:04:06

I'm, in order, sorry, in order to do this, I should do this, I should do this, I should do this, do this. What do

01:04:11

I do this for? Watch that. I'm going to give you, I'm going to give you four, five, six, seven, eight, stop the fight, stop the fight, he bit his ear off.

01:04:27

I'm going to give, uh, I was, hey, remember that, Mike Tyson, my, my, my, my, Mike Tyson bit the ear off of a

01:04:32

Vandy Holyfellas, remember that? Mike Tyson bit his ear off in a fight. I know Mike, I said to him,

01:04:38

I said, Mike, Mike, what the heck were you thinking when you bit his ear off? What were you thinking? And Mike said to me, tastes like chicken.

01:04:46

I'm thinking, if anybody's going to taste like chicken, it's going to be Mike Tyson, Mike Tyson, chicken.

01:04:56

It'd be funnier if his name was Purdue, but it's not. Anyway, I'm going to give you four free tips on how to become a professional fighter.

01:05:04

Number one, training, training. Number, number one, training. To become a professional fighter, there's a lot of training involved, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot of training involved to become a professional fighter.

01:05:17

Now, a lot of training, a lot of training. Some guys take the train from their home into the city every day.

01:05:23

That's a different, that's a different type of, that's a, it's a choo -choo.

01:05:30

It's a choo -choo. Charlie was an engineer, choo -choo. Charlie was a, it's a choo -choo train.

01:05:36

Now, if you do take the train, get a monthly ticket, get a monthly ticket. I have a, I have a, hey, hey, stop pushing me.

01:05:43

Don't push. Anyway, I take the train, but it's such a, I don't take the, I don't, I take,

01:05:48

I take, I don't take the train, but I do take the train. I don't,

01:05:53

I don't take it anywhere. Such a bargain, I bought a ticket. Anyway, that's training.

01:05:59

That's training, number one. Number two, two, two makes it one. Number two is the name

01:06:06

Nick. To become a professional fighter, the name Nick is very important to me. Oh, sorry.

01:06:20

What was that? Oh yeah. The name Nick is very important. If you don't have the name, name Nick. No, name

01:06:26

Nick, nickname. Not in time. I could have had a dishwasher. You need a good nickname. Let's talk about nicknames in boxing.

01:06:33

Boom, boom Mancini. They call him boom, boom Mancini because Henry Mancini was already taken.

01:06:40

That's a joke. That's a joke. They call him boom, boom Mancini because that's what it sounds like when he hits you.

01:06:45

Sounds just like that. Boom, boom Mancini. Now I happen to,

01:06:52

I, I, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, Susander. Oh, don't you cry for me.

01:06:59

I have a very good nickname. My nickname is Jiffy. That's my nickname. Jiffy Jeff.

01:07:05

That's it. Jiffy Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. What? What? What? Sorry.

01:07:12

I thought there was somebody calling me. Anyway, that's my nickname. Jiffy Jeff. Jeff. What? What? Okay.

01:07:18

You probably look, you probably look, you probably look at me. You probably think that I don't know nothing about the wrong circle against the square.

01:07:26

Whoopie Goldberg to block please. Okay. That's it. I'm going to get, that's the four free tips.

01:07:32

Now that's the four free, let's review the four free tips I just gave you to become a professional fighter in review.

01:07:39

Number one, training, alto training. If you don't have alto, if you don't have alto, alto, alto.

01:07:48

Oh, a lot, a lot, a lot. The letters got all jumbled in my head. As you can see, a lot of training, lots of more training.

01:07:56

Number two, you need a good nickname. Number three, always spackle before you paint.

01:08:03

That's one, two, three. And finally, those four things are very important to become a professional fighter.

01:08:09

If you have any questions, give me a call. I'm at the gym. The phone number here is 555 -1212.

01:08:14

That number again, in case you missed it, 724 -8K9 -1101. And as for me,

01:08:20

Jiffy Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, what, what, what? How about that?

01:08:33

It's me, Epi Epperman. Okay. This is great. And then clothing, these clothes, and the clothing.

01:08:43

I'm going to do a quick impression. I think you're going to like it. This is going to be pretty cool. Now I'm going to do a quick impression.

01:08:55

You're going to love this. This is pretty excellent. As a matter of fact, I'm not even sure it's going to work because I haven't done it in like two years, three years.

01:09:03

I haven't even opened this up and hopefully it's all dried out and all screwy.

01:09:11

Okay, here we go. Okay, I'm going to do a quick impression. This is the most amazing thing you ever saw.

01:09:21

Yeah. He does a gorilla. See when he does a gorilla?

01:09:28

I do a sea turtle. Okay, where was

01:09:37

I? I got distracted. This is pretty cool.

01:09:44

Looks like it's going to work. Watch close. Okay, quick impression. Okay. It's not

01:09:52

Lawrence Welk and it's not Don Ho. Okay.

01:09:58

Look at me. Look at me. I'm a fish in my fish tank eating my food.

01:10:31

I have one. They're excellent. That was good.

01:10:40

Okay. All right. So now this is, this is the, I got to prepare for this.

01:10:52

This whole show is preparation. It's horrible. Okay, here we go.

01:11:08

All right. It's not happening. It's not happening for me. Oh, you don't like balloons?

01:11:19

Yeah, I love balloons. They're awesome. You ever do this? It's not working.

01:11:36

Okay. Just take me a second. What I'm going to do is

01:11:43

I'm going to create the illusion of a football player. I'll skip all this stuff getting there, right? I shouldn't do that because that's, here we go.

01:11:52

Watch this. Now I'm going to create the illusion. Why isn't Bob doing this routine and why am

01:11:57

I doing it? I'm not even supposed to be doing this routine. I'll be in it later.

01:12:10

Years ago, they used to let the players of the college all -star game come out before the game started. They would come out and they would basically tell you three things, remember?

01:12:17

They used to tell you who they were, what team they played for, and what position they were at. They don't let them do that anymore.

01:12:23

I'd like to show you why. And now let's meet the players of the college football all -star game.

01:12:35

Billy Bob Brubeck, University of Texas, right guard.

01:12:46

Tom. Robert W.

01:12:56

Wilson, Harvard University, quarterback. Hi, Muffy. Yeah. Number 72.

01:13:10

Oh no, 27. 27. This ain't my jersey. This is New Jersey.

01:13:15

Hey. Oh God.

01:13:29

Can you see that last guy? He got scared. He got scared. Oh, sorry. Pass me the microphone. Eppie Epperman, Cleveland University.

01:13:37

That's it. I don't have a position. I'm horrible. I'm scared to play.

01:13:49

Yeah. What do you call it? Tony Cappuccino, Brooklyn University.

01:13:55

And I'm not playing either. I don't want to.

01:14:02

How you doing? Eppie, I kick the ball.

01:14:15

Bruce Kosciuski, San Francisco University. Next year I might transfer to the army.

01:14:21

Who knows? Don't ask, don't tell. Yay. Quasi, White Shoes Moto, Notre Dame, halfback.

01:14:42

That's right. I'm the halfback of Notre Dame. One day

01:14:47

I hope to be a fullback. It's not going to happen though because of this. You see this? I named it. I call it

01:14:52

Wednesday. Of course, it's a hump day. I had an accident as a child.

01:15:00

I lost my eye. I can't even afford a glass eye. I have to use a whipped cream cap with a piece of black tape on it.

01:15:08

But you know what they say. Who needs Obamacare when you've got Ready Whip? Good day.

01:15:16

Thanks. That's good. Thank you.

01:15:30

Thanks. I have to come back and do a real show instead of - Oh, no, no, no.

01:15:36

How about for Bob? I'm coming back. Coming back. All right. So what we would like to do, if we can just take a collection up for Bob.

01:15:46

I mean, he came out, he spent the whole night entertaining us, making us happy. If the guys could come forward. So I just want to let you know, before we close, obviously,

01:15:55

Bob brought great joy to our hearts. But sometimes you walk out of the church building and you turn on the news, you watch the internet, and all of a sudden the joy that you had just seems to flee away.

01:16:07

Everybody walks out those doors and recognizes something is wrong with the world. It's so easy to see all the evil and the things that go on.

01:16:15

And we rightly recognize that there is a standard for evil and things are going on out there that we don't like.

01:16:21

And it's easy to look outside those doors and see the evil that's out there. Rarely do we look inside the doors of our own heart and see if there's evil on the inside.

01:16:30

So God sent his son Jesus into the world to die on behalf of his people.

01:16:36

But he doesn't die for innocent people. He dies for guilty people. So the question is, how do you know if you're guilty or not?

01:16:43

Well, God's given us 10 ways. So I'm going to tell you real quickly. Has anybody in here lied?

01:16:49

Raise your hand. More than five times? More than 10 times?

01:16:54

Yes, right. We've all lied. What do you call somebody who lies? A liar, right? Have you ever stolen anything?

01:17:03

Some of you are not putting your hands up, which proves that you are liars. Have you ever downloaded something off the internet?

01:17:11

Watched something on the internet that didn't belong to you? Maybe came to work 20 minutes late or left 20 minutes early, didn't tell your boss?

01:17:17

We've all stolen things. Have you ever used God's name in vain? Have you ever driven on the

01:17:23

LIE? You've used God's name in vain, right? And that's called blasphemy, taking the name of God who's given you life and using it in place of a four -letter swear word, right?

01:17:32

When Jesus was preaching, he said, the law says thou shall not murder, but I tell you, if you've had a hateful thought towards somebody, you committed murder in your heart.

01:17:40

Have you driven on the LIE? You've had hateful thoughts, and so have

01:17:45

I. Prejudice thoughts, right? Jesus, while he was preaching, says, the law says thou shall not commit adultery, but I tell you, if you looked at someone and lusted after them, you committed adultery in the heart.

01:17:56

Adultery starts in the heart. So, based on God's standard, I only went through ten of the five of the ten, were lying, thieving, blaspheming, murderers at heart, and we have to stand before God on judgment day.

01:18:10

That's bad news, because based on God's standard, we would be found guilty. So what does God do?

01:18:15

He sends his only son into the world to live the life that we needed to live and die the death that we deserved.

01:18:22

They crucified him, they buried him, and he rose again on the third day to prove that his payment was acceptable to God the

01:18:28

Father. And he says, you stop trusting in yourself, turn, repent, which means turn from your sin, and trust in what

01:18:36

Jesus has done for you. Now, since we're the guilty parties in this relationship with God, there is no negotiation.

01:18:45

We don't set the terms. He sets the terms, and terms are unconditional surrender. You surrender your life to Christ.

01:18:52

You recognize that going the way you've gone, you would be considered guilty before God. He says, repent, place your faith and trust in Jesus Christ.

01:19:01

Out of all of gods you've ever heard of, Jesus is the only true God who loved you to death.

01:19:07

So I would just encourage you tonight to think about what I'm telling you. Recognize your own sinfulness, repent, trust in Christ, and then the eternal life that Bob was talking about, you'll have that forever.

01:19:19

And your joy, no matter what is going on in the world, you will still have an internal joy, recognizing that God has paid the price for your sins.

01:19:28

With that, I just want to thank everybody for coming out tonight. Thank you, Bob. Again, please give Bob a hand. And for those of you who are our guests here tonight, just to let you know, we're open on Sunday for business, so if you want to come in, we have service at 11 o 'clock.

01:19:57

We would love to tell you more about the God who's changed Bob's life, who's changed my life, and who's changed the lives of many people in this place.