Is It Wrong for a Husband and a Wife to Sleep in Separate Beds?

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Salvation in Christ Alone and the Coming Judgment

People are tired of hearing nothing but doom and despair on the radio. The message of Christianity is that salvation is found in Christ alone, and any who reject Christ therefore forfeit any hope of salvation, any hope of heaven.

The issue is that humanity is in sin, and the wrath of almighty God is hanging over our heads.

They will hear his words, they will not act upon them, and when the floods of divine judgment, when the fires of wrath come, they will be consumed and they will perish.

God wrapped himself in flesh, condescended and became a man, died on the cross for sin, was resurrected on the third day, has ascended to the right hand of the Father, where he sits now to make intercession for us.

Jesus is saying there is a group of people who will hear his words, they will act upon them, and when the floods of divine judgment come in that final day, their house will stand.

The Marriage Bed and Hebrews 13:4

Welcome to Bible Bash, where we aim to equip the saints for the works of ministry by answering the questions you're not allowed to ask. We're your hosts Harrison Kerrig and Pastor Tim Mullett, and today we'll answer the age-old question, is it wrong for a husband and wife to sleep in different beds?

Now, Tim, what Bible verse do you have for us about husbands and wives sleeping in the same bed?

Yeah, I mean, Hebrews 13, verse 4 says, Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

The marriage bed. What is the marriage bed? Tell us about the marriage bed, Tim. What does that mean?

Well, it's kind of a euphemism in this passage.

Yeah, hey, if you can stay away from the particular birds and bees aspect of it, besides that, what is the marriage bed?

Well, you see, Harrison, when a young man grows up.

When a Christian husband and a Christian wife love each other very much, they have a marriage bed.

That's true. You're right.

So, you know, we're talking about husbands and wives sleeping in the same bed together. You know, this is something that I have to admit, Tim, I don't personally think much about myself because, in my mind, it's just kind of a given that a husband and a wife would sleep in the same bed.

I mean, you know.

What do you think?

Like, just from my own limited perspective, it's just like not even a conversation. You know, it's like this is just so obvious that I just don't even know why anyone would think anything else. Besides, yes, a husband and wife should sleep in the same bed every single night.

Now, Ware, I do think probably there are a lot of people who would think they're in the same spot that I'm in, but then I don't know if everyone's really thinking about all of the questions behind this question and all of the different scenarios that you might encounter.

So, you originally asked this on a poll on Twitter or X or whatever it's called, which, by the way, if you're not following us on there, you need to go follow us on there because there's a lot of really good content.

You know, if you ask me, I'm showing my humility right here, there's a lot of really good content that we're putting out there that you're not going to see in the podcast and polls and, you know, you get to discuss with us and whatnot.

So, you need to go follow us over there. But, putting that aside now, Tim, you ran a poll on this and you were saying, I didn't see this one, but you're saying there's a lot of interaction on this particular poll and typically what that means is there's a lot of people who disagree with each other on the topic.

So, apparently this isn't as much of a given as I expected it to be, basically. So, what were some of the conflicting stances that people were giving on this particular poll?

Snoring, Marriage Counseling, and the Poll Results

Yeah, so, I mean, I asked it in relationship to snoring because snoring is one of those common marriage problems. So, in general, this is just a common marriage counseling, marriage fight kind of scenario where the guy is snoring and the wife is sick of it.

And she's struggling with her bitterness and resentment towards her husband because she's trying to sleep in the same bed with him, but then he's snoring and all that. And, you know, so in that kind of scenario, she may go sleep in another room or something because she's just so tired of dealing with it.

And then this is causing problems within the marriage in particular. So, I did a poll on snoring. I said, should a wife sleep in the same bedroom with a husband who snores? Was the biblical case. So, I did that.

And, you know, 66 said, yes, they should. But then, you know, the other 33%, you know, 33 .4 or whatever were unwilling to say yes there. So, I mean, this isn't like, like the issue is it's most people have the impulse to say, yeah, they should obviously sleep in the same bed.

They're married. Like, what in the world, you know? But then this is one of those topics where when people disagree, they really disagree, right? So, it's, yeah, it's just definitely one of those things where if a person is going to take the opposite opinion from just kind of the normal, standard, intuitive, obvious position that you just articulated, they really are emotionally invested in it.

And it's often, you know, it's one of those things where, you know, you throw a rock in a pack of dogs. The one who yelps is the one who got hit or whatever. This is one of those where they just tell on themselves.

Like, when they get really bent out of shape about it, it's like, oh, I guess you guys aren't sleeping in the same bed anymore, are you?

So, did anyone give a biblical argument for why they don't have to sleep in the same bed?

Well, I mean, it's one of those things where the standard kind of response to a question like this is just to say, hey, the Bible doesn't say anything about it. Don't be a legalist, you Pharisee.

Well, hang on, that's not true. You know, what about when Paul talks about, you know, separating for a time? I mean, come on, come on, you know.

What people want.

No one at least brought that up.

No, no, no one brought that up. No one really, I mean, there wasn't any, I mean, I did several polls along these lines just to see, and I would ask what's the biblical case. And people would get mad at me for asking, what's the biblical case?

Because I'm just wanting to hear how they're thinking through the issue, right?

Sure, yeah.

And, you know, so then, you know, I'm getting people like really ticked off at me for even asking the question. It's like, you guys have jumped the shark. This is such a stupid question. And, you know, there's no biblical case for this.

And what they're doing in that moment is kind of embarrassing what they're doing. But it's like one of those scenarios where when people encounter an ethical question that they haven't thought through before, instead of just thinking through what the Bible says and trying to say, hey, are there any commands or principles that would be relevant to this scenario, which could give us some sort of guidance here, right?

So instead of doing that, they instantaneously retreat to, like, the kind of argumentation that a liberal will do. Meaning, you know, they go straight to, you know, the guy saying, hey, can you show me where in the Bible that it says with my, you know, iPhone, you know, 20 or whatever, that I'm not allowed to look at naked pictures of women who aren't my wife at work, right?

It is just like, I want to see that verse where it says exactly that, you know, and it's like, well, I don't think it's going to speak to that level of specificity, right?

And then he goes, ha, gotcha.

Yeah, it doesn't say anything about my type of phone, does it? You know, and it's just like, well, I think that there are principles that could be applied to this scenario.

No, there's none.

None.

So I want to see the exact words, you know, whatever it is, and just very specific kind of thing. But that isn't really what the Bible is meant to do. So, I mean, you're meant to look at the Bible and you're meant to ask, how do I glorify God in every single scenario?

And when you're counseling a couple, like you have a couple come to you for marriage counseling, they're going to ask, like, they're going to be fighting over this issue. Guy's snoring, wife doesn't want to sleep there, and guy's like, what in the world, you know, like, this is weird sleeping in different sides of the house, you know?

I don't know what to make of this. And then they're going to be looking at you and say, hey, what does the Bible say we should do about this? And for the vast majority of people, the answer is, well, I guess just do whatever you want, right?

It just reduces to pragmatism and there's no, like, and that's what happens in these kind of polls where you're not getting, like, biblical reasons that are put forward to give you some sort of guardrails or a path or even a framework to think about what we're even talking about.

So that's just kind of dismissed on the front end. And the whole project is just kind of viewed with skepticism because you want some very specific verse that's going to follow a very specific formula.

And it's like, well, I think whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, you should do all through the glory of God. And so you should be able to ask basic questions of the Bible. What would be most glorifying to God in this kind of scenario?

And yeah, sure. I think it's like what you're not really meant to do is think like, well, are you saying that if I'm if my hospital is like in a coma in a vegetative state, you know, if my wife is in a coma in a vegetative state at the hospital that I'm in sin for sleeping in my bedroom and not in her hospital bed or something?

Like, that's not really.

Come on.

Like, that's that's really not even the discussion you're talking about. You're just talking about like a normal question. I think it's just one of those sad things where the fact that you would even like the fact that you would even have to ask this question as if it's like a question shows that people they really it's just kind of depressing.

You know, like, it's just a depressing thing. Like, just it reveals that the state of marriages in most homes are kind of strange in general, if that makes sense.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, it's very much about the individual, not about the entire family, you know, putting others before myself.

Right.

Marriage, One-Flesh Union, and the Role of Selflessness

So, I mean, if you think about this, I think there's a lot of verses that come to mind when I think about a topic like this. So, you did this poll, right? I did this poll. Should a wife sleep in the same bedroom with a husband who snores was a biblical case.

66 said yes.

Right.

Now, none of them really gave a good biblical case, except for maybe one or two people brought up the Hebrew 13 verse, but that's about it. You know, and then on the other side, it's like, hey, it's legalism.

You shouldn't even ask the question whatsoever.

But then.

It's legalism.

Yeah.

It's legalism to even ask it.

Yeah.

But then what was interesting, I said, true or false, it should be viewed as bizarre when a married couple sleeps in different rooms. What's the biblical case? 74 said, obviously, yes, true. It should be viewed as bizarre.

So, what you have is, like, what's happening there is, and people don't think through these things, what's happening is if 74 of the people who are responding to this poll are saying, yes, that should be viewed as bizarre.

And they don't necessarily have a biblical answer. Either it's just like they've been culturally brainwashed, right? Like, they've just been culturally brainwashed into some kind of irrational view. Or there's something about the nature of marriage in the Bible that would make people naturally think that that's normal.

Does that make sense?

Yeah.

And viewed as normal. And, I mean, I think, sure, yeah, Hebrews 13, 4, let the marriage bed be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled. Certainly, that's a euphemism, but then it also has a literal meaning.

There is such a thing as a marriage bed, and what do you do on a marriage bed? Well, you can imagine several things you do on them, you know, one of which is sleeping. But then the idea is this is kind of a special place for a married couple, and only for a married couple.

And this is one of those benefits of marriage, right? Is that you don't have to sleep by yourself anymore, kind of thing, right?

Right, yeah.

So this is one of those, you can say, hey, is that a piece of evidence in the puzzle that should encourage Christians to think it's normal for married men and women to sleep in the same bed? I would say, well, yeah, certainly one piece of a puzzle that could be added to a cumulative case that would say that, yeah, that's probably where their intuition is coming from.

I mean, there's other verses too, like the idea, you mentioned the idea of separating, but then what's even more primary than that is the definition of marriage that you see in Genesis 224 or whatever.

For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother, and what will he do? He'll leave his father and mother and what? Sleep in separate rooms?

I don't think it says sleep in separate rooms.

What does it say?

What does it say here? Hold fast, right?

He'll cling to his wife.

Yeah, cling to his wife, hold fast to his wife. So the picture of marriage is not meant to be two separate people doing their own separate things, right? The picture of marriage is more akin to this is a one-flesh relationship, you hold fast to your wife, you two become one.

And so, I mean, which is like two people who are ticked off at each other because of snoring and sleeping on different sides of the house? Is that really the biblical picture of marriage? Is that like holding fast to your wife, two becoming one kind of language?

Or is that, I mean, does that fit the picture, right? So, I mean, you think about it along those lines. I mean, and you also think about, you know, recently I had a hospital visit and I'm having to sleep in the hospital.

And that was bizarre for me. And it was bizarre for my wife. And I mean, just being like married, like a married person, I mean, I don't know if you've had scenarios where you had to sleep in different places or whatever.

And it's just kind of like it's unsettling. It's bizarre, right?

Yeah.

It's like I have to.

It's lonely.

Yeah.

I mean, I have difficulty going to sleep because it's like, hope you're okay, right?

Yeah.

I mean, there's been situations like that where, you know, I'm out late. And then my wife is texting me saying, hey, I'm having difficulty falling asleep because I don't know where you are because my mind is wondering, are you all right?

And, you know, everything else. And so, you even think about like a man's basic role as being a protector of his wife or something along those lines. And all those instincts are being triggered in those moments where you're sleeping in different places, right?

I have a responsibility to protect this woman. And I don't know if she's all right. And I would hate there to be some kind of situation where I'm dead asleep or whatever. And some robbers come in the house and take her off.

And I didn't even know about it.

Right?

Yeah.

That would be, you know, pretty bad.

It'd be pretty bad. So, I mean, the point here is just to say, I mean, there's a variety of, like, if you think about the nature of marriage and the roles that are related to marriage and the pictures of marriage and the pictures of what married life is like.

I mean, there's a lot of things that should go into a biblically minded person's mind to say, hey, this was a little bit odd. You know, like two people living, like, in different places when you're at the most vulnerable time that you're ever going to be.

Right.

I mean, this is like an act of trust, first and foremost, in God. But you're in the most exposed, vulnerable time that you can imagine. And we're just going to be doing our own thing. And I think the fact that people are even asking this kind of question, like, in general, it says a lot about the nature of how marriages go.

I mean, it's one of those things. It's like a sad reality that, like, for many people, like, for many young people, I mean, you can imagine what you can remember what it was like being single. You can barely keep yourself, you know, at the appropriate distance away kind of thing.

Right. Right.

That kind of thing. But then shortly after marriage, you know, the joke is, well, you know, you have honeymoon phase. Maybe it'll last for two years or whatever. And then by that time, you'll, you know, hate each other and basically have to figure it out.

You know, all the romance is gone at that point. The chemical stuff is gone. And now you're stuck with them and you see who they really are and you see how much you've been bamboozled and blindsided and whatever else.

But, I mean, for most people, like, that's kind of the joke. Like, you're, you got this bunch of hormones pushing it for the first two years or so. And then you kind of figure out what you have and it's all over and you better have picked good at that point.

But then the sad thing is, I think for most, like, I don't know. I think for most relationships, it kind of gets to this point where the couple was gradually going apart. And then by the time they're empty nesters, they're basically kind of doing their own thing, living their own separate lives and just somehow occupying the same space or whatever.

And, I mean, certainly, certainly there's some sort of maturity that comes with marriage and marriage over a long period of time that says, hey, we don't have to do everything together. You know, you don't have to say, hey, I'm going to leave the room now.

Like, you might, certain kinds of people might think during the early times of their marriage, like, that they have to, like, they feel odd, like, not being always together in every moment. But certainly there's some kind of line there between just, hey, we have to do everything together and always be together.

And, like, we're really functionally living separate lives and sleeping in our own rooms. And we have that little concern or care about each other at that point. That is kind of depressing, for sure.

And something else that I was thinking through while you were talking is, you know, so think about it. Think about having a conversation with someone who says, hey, it's legalism, actually, to say that a husband and wife have to sleep in the same bed together, right?

You're having a conversation with that kind of person. One thing that I would want to ask them is, okay, well, what is the motivation for not sleeping in the same bed? And it's going to be things like, you know, like you bring up the snoring thing, for example.

Well, I can't stand the snoring. I just can't take it. Okay, well, that sounds like you're just focusing on yourself. You're saying, I.

So, you're the guy there, and, you know, you're not allowed to, like, most of the snoring is a guy's problem. So, when you say, hey, you know, ladies, just get over your snoring, you're just revealing yourself to be a hateful, misogynistic, misogynist bigot, you know, that kind of thing.

Well, I mean, you know, naturally, naturally.

You pulled off the hood, transformed into full Emperor Palpatine at this point.

Emperor Palpatine. But, I mean, seriously, though, you know, and it's not just that. It's a lot of the, you know, hey, I don't like sharing a bed, you know, or like, hey, you're too hot, or you're too cold.

You move around too much.

Yeah, you move around too much. I don't like cuddling, you know, whatever it is. It's just like all of these things are, you know, okay, you want to talk about there's no Bible verses that apply to any of this.

Well, you know, okay, like, even if we grant, like, you know, I don't think we should actually do this, but let's say, hypothetically, there weren't any specific Bible verses about the marriage bed, for example.

Well, even then, it's like, okay, but we still have to talk through, like, what are the motivations that you have pushing you towards sleeping in different beds, or even in different rooms, or different homes, even?

You know, what is motivating you to want to do that to begin with? There's no way that's biblical. There's no way it's Christ-like.

So, I want to say two things at the same time. So, like, one thing I want to say is that, and people got really bent out of shape about this. So, like, this husband snoring thing is, part of this is related to, just, there's been an increased concern about issues related to sleep apnea and how it's related to weight, you know, and everything else.

And so, you basically have, you have a lot of people who are basically turning sleep apnea into this, there's almost like a moral, like, what's interesting about the whole thing is, on the one hand, they can't see, like, a moral mandate to sleep together.

They think that's just totally inappropriate, right? And bizarre, and legalism, and everything else. But then they're able to draw certain principles from the Bible that says that if a man is snoring because he's overweight, right, and then he has some moral mandate to try to resolve that in order to help his wife.

One, to help his wife, you know, have some sort of better sleep, more productive sleep or something. But then for two, so that he won't, you know, unnecessarily cut his life short because he could possibly die.

So now that we have the, the issue is, like, now that we have the technology to fix it, right, then in the minds of many people, to put someone on a CPAP machine or whatever else and resolve it, or lose weight and diet and exercise, and now we kind of have a better understanding.

There comes, like, an increased moral responsibility to deal with this health problem, right? So we're living, like, in that kind of world where these health problems are viewed as moral mandates. Like, you have to do something about them.

And I think that, you know, obviously, like, if a husband is overweight and that's causing him to snore, and that is a temptation for his wife, I would be the first to say that, hey, maybe you need to take that more seriously and do, like, make changes in your life in order to produce a situation that brings about less resentment and bitterness and more closeness and everything else.

Yeah, don't put a stumbling block in front of someone.

So, I mean, I'm totally willing to say that. Like, hey, if this is a big source of struggle, you know, for her, you can go on a diet too, can't you? You know, so, and see if that'll help it, at least.

And it'd be helpful in a lot of different ways. At the same time, like, on the other end of things, an irritable person, like, a person who is irritable will find no shortage of things to be irritated about too.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

So, like, the issue is that, like, what do you think you would do? Like, I mean, literally, like, what do you think you would do if all you had was one room? You know, like, what would you do then? What would you do if you're, you know, we didn't have the wealth and the prosperity and everything else that we have?

And, like, what do you think people did for the vast majority of human history? Like, do you think that really, like, you're, you know, sleeping out in a cave or whatever, and you would just go and, you know, go sleep by yourself to get away from your husband because he's snoring?

Who's your only source of protection in the midst of a dangerous situation? You know, that isn't really the way it works. And so, like, the issue is, like, with certain, like, when we have more options, like, oftentimes these more options, they feed certain kinds of selfishness in us and more, you know, more self-centeredness in us.

I mean, certainly, I mean, when you first get married, it is an adjustment to sleep with another human being who moves and who makes sounds and everything else. I mean, certainly there's some sort of adjustment, but then I think the vast majority of people, at least who are responding to our poll, think that those adjustments are the kind of things that are worth making, right?

Because you have some sort of motivation, you have a new person that you're trying to merge your life with. And so, I mean, you can be the kind of person who's just magnifying those things because you're an annoyed person in general and you're, you know, wound pretty tight and get yourself all worked up.

I mean, just to give you an example of how this works, when I was younger, I used to have very difficult time sleeping and a lot of it was related to just anxiety in my life in general, right? So, I would have difficult time sleeping and, you know, it'd be one of those things where I'm laying in bed, I can't go to sleep, I know I have to go to school the next day and I know what time it is.

And then I'm watching the clock kick down and it's like, all right, if I go to sleep right now, I'm going to get eight hours of sleep. And then it's like 30 minutes later, all right, I guess I can only get seven and a half hours of sleep.

And then 30 minutes later, it's like, I guess the most I'm going to get is seven hours of sleep, right? And then, you know, 30 more, it's like six and a half, we're at the six and a half point, you know?

And it's one of those things where if you let it like eat away at your brain, you make it bigger and bigger and bigger. And it becomes this big ordeal, right? Where it's like, I'm not going to be able to sleep again.

It's going to be, you know, I'm going to be tired all day long and be exhausted all day long. It's just going to happen again. And then you get it all worked up. But then if you think like that, you can make everything just this big dramatic mess.

And really all that's happening is you're just like filled with anxiety and worry and irritability and you're just let small things bother you. And, you know, the Bible says that love is not irritable or rude.

So, I mean, you can work these things up in your mind so that they're just these big, like, how dare you ruin my sleep moments, right? By moving slightly. I mean, the Bible says like the sleep of a righteous man is sweet, right?

So, God gives like his beloved people sleep. And part of that is because like, you know, the Bible says the tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot. And that's a lot of what's happening with this kind of topic, too, is that a tranquil heart will give life to the flesh.

If your heart is at peace, it's not filled with anxiety, it's not filled with frustration, it's not filled with irritation. All that stuff is gone. If that stuff is gone, you sleep better. And I mean, I can tell you that from personal experience.

That's absolutely true. If you have a heart that's not filled with all this irritation and annoyance and, you know, bitterness and envy. Like looking at other people, I wish I could get the kind of sleep that they're getting and everything else.

You can get a lot better sleep if you're not making all these comparisons. And so, I mean, this is a topic that I think it cuts both ways. But I mean, certainly, I think it's just obvious that it should be a goal that a husband and wife try to be together.

You don't say, huh?

Yeah.

I mean, it's just kind of a sad. Yeah, it's a sad, depressing scenario where you have like Christians who are sitting there arguing for their right to sleep in the opposite side of the house. It's like, I guess you guys gave up a long time ago, you know, in certain ways.

But, you know, it is what it is.

But yeah.

Closing Counsel, Support, and Sign-Off

Okay. Well, I think that's a good place for us to wrap up the conversation on, Tim. So, thanks for answering all my questions there and walking us through that. And opening my eyes, too, to a question that I thought, you know, I was thinking like, hey, this is like, I mean, this is just a given.

Everybody knows this. And then you ask the poll and everybody doesn't know this, apparently. So, you know, this stuff is worth talking about. And, you know, I'll say this, too. You mentioned this towards the beginning just kind of in passing while we were setting everything up.

But there are a lot of people who they'll see. It's not just like with this question in particular, but they'll see a question that we ask. And their response will typically be something along the lines of like, why are you asking this right now?

Like, no one thinks this, blah, blah, blah. And it seems like it's always on the polls where the options are like 50 -50. You know, the choices are a 50 -50 split in terms of voting. Or they're even like, you know, weighed heavily in terms of the wrong answer.

And so, I think a lot of people, they just assume a lot of these questions we're asking are like given.

What's funny about that is it's like I'm often trying to ask questions. And we get questions from people that things that no one are talking about.

Right?

So, we're discussing things that we're not. I mean, most of the stuff we're discussing is not like the news cycle stuff that everyone else is just slavishly following after. But then, you know, these are questions that people send me and ask me about.

These are common things that people think about. And then when you see the results of it, it's like there's no agreement on a lot of these things. Like, it's not massive agreement. So, like these are areas that we probably should think about.

Yeah, they're probably weak areas for most people. And I think that does prove to be true more often than not in these polls. They are weak areas. So, these are things to consider, you know. And I would say just don't jump to conclusions and assume that everyone knows the right thing.

Because if there's one thing that I've learned, there's a lot of people out there who really just don't have any sense of right and wrong. Even people who claim to be Christians, you know. I'm oftentimes tempted a lot to think that people know their Bible a lot better than they actually do.

And you show them verses and they're like, I've never seen that before in my entire life. And so, with these questions, I think a lot of times people assume it's like a waste of time to talk about this.

But then the reality is, this is probably one of those conversations that more husbands and wives, it's an issue that they have to face and deal with more than most people are probably willing to admit, unfortunately.

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