The Denominations Host a Bible Conference Q&A

Welcome Back to the Interdenominational Bible Conference

Welcome back to our interdenominational Bible conference. Because of what was said right before the break I'd like to take a moment to again apologize to all blind people and Lutherans. As you know we've let each denomination choose the topic that they preach on during this conference and so far the messages have been interesting.

The Methodist gave us a topical sermon on God's use of the personal plural pronoun. Big Eva gave us an exposition of the song I'm Just Ken from the Barbie movie. And the Presbyterian spent two hours preaching on Romans chapter 9 while simultaneously smoking a cigar even though all of the signs in the conference center clearly say no smoking.

How to Grow a Church

Now we're moving on to the Q &A portion of our event where we have questions from the audience for our speakers. Question number one. What's the best way to grow a church? Okay listen the best way to grow a church is to have lots of babies and baptize your babies.

Hashtag Superior Theology. Okay I can't say I'm fully on board with that but we'll move on. You know we find the best way to bring people into our church is just to be absolutely as inclusive as possible.

Doing our best to demonstrate acceptance and celebrate every lifestyle choice and to make sure that our staff is representative of our trifold values of diversity, equity, and inclusion. Do you find that actually works?

You know it's hard to tell. We haven't had a new member in over 10 years so fingers crossed. Okay here's the answer. The best way to get adults into your church is through their kids. Kids come and the parents will follow.

So you have to make sure that your church has an awesome youth experience and that the entire atmosphere is catered to the adolescent mind. LED screens, laser and fog machines, and of course a worship band playing the latest hits from Taylor Swift and Katy Perry.

Is there a sermon? Oh man our sermons are fire. They're filled with costume changes, movie clips, and every few weeks I come out on stage riding a golf cart decorated like the Batmobile. Okay do you really drive a Batmobile on the stage?

Amen. If you love Jesus you're gonna drive a Batmobile onto the church stage. Okay on to question two. What do you say to a family member who says they don't believe in God? I would tell that person that I don't believe it's necessary to believe in a God.

I believe a divine consciousness lives in all of us whether we're Christian, Muslim, atheist, or rastrian, or whatever. So I would tell them we're all going up the same mountain. We're just all taking different paths.

Divine Judgment and the Fool Says in His Heart

Okay so you don't think it's necessary to tell people about divine judgment? Oh I don't believe in judgment. Yeah we can tell by your outfit. If someone told me they didn't believe in God I'd say hey man check it out the Bible says the fool says in his heart there's no God and your mama didn't raise no fool.

You need to knock that atheist nonsense off right now and come with me to the Big Eva Multiplex Mega Church and Mini Mall so we can watch the latest episode of The Chosen on the big screen. Because that'll tell them everything they need to know about Jesus.

You were doing good and then right off the rails. Alright our time has come and gone very quickly and we have time for one last question. This is a question that I get at almost every Bible conference and so I thought it was important to ask all of you.

The Nephilim in Genesis 6

Please give us your position on the Nephilim. Oh I know this one. Queen Nefertiti was the wife of Pharaoh Akhenaten during Egypt's 18th dynasty. Not Nefertiti the Nephilim. Oh well then I have no idea.

Okay so in the movie Noah with Russell Crowe right you have these super powered rock monsters that help build the ark. Well that's basically what the Bible teaches about the Nephilim. They're super powered rock monsters that help build the ark.

Listen I don't think I've ever heard a more wrong answer and I've done Bible trivia at an Episcopalian church before. Okay this isn't hard. My position is simple. The sons of God mentioned in Genesis 6 are the offspring of Seth.

The daughters of men are the offspring of Cain and the sin of Genesis 6 is the intermarrying of the godly line with the ungodly line. It's not about creating a hybrid of half angel half man creatures but it's actually just about evil men who rose to power during the antediluvian period.

That's all. What's wrong with you people?