Singleness: Why Doesn't Anyone Want To Marry Me?

On this episode of Bible Bash, we will be answering the question, Why doesn't anyone want to marry me? Now, when you think about a question like this, this is the kind of question that many people who are unwillingly single for extended periods of time are wrestling with.

They're looking at this dark reality that they have many friends who seem to be getting married. And, you know, often individuals who are unwillingly single are going to find that each new wedding is a source of temptation towards bitterness for them.

But then essentially, one of the conclusions that they may draw from the fact that other people seem to be getting married in a way that they fundamentally aren't is that maybe perhaps they are undesirable in a certain sense, or they don't really have what it takes to make for a good marriage partner.

But then often what will happen is that they'll have friends who will come along and essentially attempt to validate them and encourage them and tell them that they're just amazing and wonderful and perfect just the way that they are.

And that, you know, one day Mr. Right or Mrs. Right will come along and, you know, there's someone for everyone and everything like that. And essentially, the well-meaning friend will basically call into question the reality that there are perhaps certain traits that an individual can develop, which would fundamentally make them a poor marriage choice.

Physical Beauty, Character, and Marriageability

So as you're thinking through scenarios like this, with individuals who are unwillingly single for long periods of time, there really is no standard advice or counsel that you can give to an individual in that kind of scenario.

One of the things that you have to do is you have to look at each scenario along those lines, essentially in a case-by-case basis and give counsel or advice or some sort of response to an individual along those lines that reflects who they actually are and the basic traits that they have, which would either enhance their marriageability or detract from their marriageability.

And it is quite possible that there are many individuals who essentially are making choices or engaging in behaviors or have certain traits about them, which are fundamentally going to dramatically reduce the amount of potential marriage partners that would be attracted to them.

So as you think about one of the things that the Bible will tell us at this kind of point is that essentially that human beings are responsible before God and we don't come all equal. So one of the lies of egalitarianism essentially is the lie that all human beings are fundamentally equal.

But then the Bible does give us a different picture of what makes human beings desirable than what we might like for the Bible to say. So when comparing the marriageability of Rachel and Leah, the Bible describes Rachel as being beautiful in both form and appearance.

And then of Leah, the Bible says that her eyes are weak. And one of the things that that means is that with the standard individual who is thinking about these issues of attraction the way that the world thinks about these issues of attraction, typically physical beauty in women is something that the vast majority of the human race is going to consider to be a mark of attractiveness and something that is eminently desirable.

And so it is certainly true that the more beautiful a woman actually happens to be, the more potential marriage partners are going to be open to that sort of individual. But then we don't often think about this, but the reverse of that is also true as well in that a woman who is exceptionally beautiful often because of her beauty does become a source of struggle for many insecure men as well, because it might be that many men realize that if they attempt to pursue a woman who's extremely attractive that they would probably have no chance and so they're going to save themselves the embarrassment of even going and asking.

And so when you think about a simple trait like physical beauty along those lines, because physical beauty is a desirable trait, you basically can't make any assumptions along those lines as it relates to an individual, them being married or not.

So you can't just look at an individual and say, oh, well, they're not married, so they must be unattractive physically, because the truth could be that they may be much more attractive than the vast majority of people around them, thus resulting in their attractiveness being a source of intimidation for others.

And so that's the case. It also could be the case that they are not as physically attractive as other people around them, and so they do not get as much of attention as other people around them as it relates to individuals who are simply looking at external, outward, physical elements along those lines.

And one of the things the Bible tells us is that charm is deceitful and beauty is fading, but a woman fears the Lord, she will be praised. The Bible does not make physical beauty an absolutely irrelevant feature of attractiveness, but then it does in some sense try to relativize the importance of physical beauty.

And there are a great many women who are beautiful, but they have poor character and essentially would be the kind of women who would make lives fundamentally miserable for a man. And the Bible says it's better a corner of a rooftop than dwelling with a contentious wife.

And so the kind of woman who has a contentious character might be the most beautiful woman imaginable, but she's obviously not going to make a good marriage partner. And the sad truth is that there are many young people who really just do not understand these basic truths and have a bit of a naive perspective about what actually makes for a good relationship and a good marriage partner in general.

The Bible tells us that ladies in particular should be pursuing the kind of beauty that comes from a gentle and a quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. And not only is it very precious in God's sight, but then for a godly individual, it's amazing how simple character traits like kindness and gentleness and graciousness and other centeredness can take an individual who may have somewhat of a plain appearance and make them remarkably more attractive than they happen to be.

And women believe this same sort of thing with men. I mean, there's any number of women who are looking for the kind of character traits that many men simply do not have. And women find the kind of man who will sit there and listen to her patiently and seek to understand her to be incredibly attractive, particularly women who have experienced the bitter fruit that comes from a man who has zero to no listening ability as far as that's concerned.

And so the idea of attractiveness is somewhat complicated as it relates to the subject of physical beauty, but then that certainly does play a factor and certainly does play a role in certain situations.

And there is a type of individual who essentially will let themselves go and not take care of themselves and not maintain themselves. And then they will have little to no success as it relates to pursuing marriage or being a good marriage partner.

And that kind of individual might do well to take some more thought into their physical appearance than they might happen to take. I mean, there's no virtue in presenting yourself in the worst possible way imaginable or fundamentally letting yourself just go.

And typically, it's not illogical why individuals would be attracted to a person who takes care of themselves because often an individual who just lets themselves go on the outside shows some kind of evidence and people make certain assumptions about how they're going to take care of more important issues because if they don't even take care of themselves, then they don't have enough self-control or discipline or care about their own self.

It might be that they're not going to take care of the more important issues in life. And certainly in the extremes, these things are obviously true. And so an individual who has let themselves get completely and totally out of proportion, that is the kind of individual that many people essentially are going to look at.

And they're going to say, God didn't make individuals to look like this. And certainly, an individual should be repelled by the kind of individual who could help it but essentially is exercising little to no care or concern for how they look.

And it's a sad truth that most people when they get married, they fundamentally after they secure that relationship, they don't care enough about their spouse or partner to take care of themselves. And certainly, that's not a mark of attractiveness.

And so as you think through these things, there are physical characteristics that do play some role in this kind of discussion. But then the more important character traits are the spiritual character traits.

As we said, an individual can marry the most physically attractive individual that exists. But if that doesn't have any character, they're going to set themselves up for a miserable marriage. And the sad truth is that many people don't realize these things until after they do things the hard way and get the person they're physically attracted to only to realize that they don't have the character necessary for a good relationship.

Leadership, Responsibility, and Gendered Character Traits

But then there might be a great many things that an individual is doing that is making themselves undesirable to members of the opposite sex as it relates to just their own character traits. So you can imagine the kind of 30-year-old man who's living at home in his parents' basement, unable to work because of his ADD, that kind of thing.

You can imagine that that kind of man has not arranged his life in such a way as to make himself attractive to the vast majority of women that exist in the world. And so you look at an individual like that, and they have no ambition in life.

They have no plan. They have no direction that they're trying to pursue. They have no goals. They have no tangible leadership. They're not arranging their circumstances and affairs in such a way as to actually be a protector, a provider, a leader.

They're showing little to no mental fortitude or strength or courage. These are the kind of things that many people will look and say, hey, this is an individual who hasn't gotten his stuff together enough to be a good marriage partner.

And the same thing is true of women in general. There is the type of lady who is essentially unwillingly single and essentially filled with bitterness and frustration and annoyance and short with people, antisocial in certain ways, fundamentally kind of off-putting, doesn't have a friendly kind of disposition about her.

So there are character traits that ladies can put on, that men can put on that either make a good marriage partner or traits that individuals can put on that make for a poor marriage partner. So typically, ladies are going to be attracted to men who have some sort of courage and who are in some sense outgoing.

They may not be life of the party outgoing types. But if you have an individual who's just too afraid to talk to people, too afraid to look at people, too afraid to even make any eye contact with someone else or take any sort of initiative as it relates to those kind of things, these are things that make individuals less attractive than other individuals.

And there's obviously, that doesn't mean that an individual is doomed to be perpetually single if they have not cultivated the kind of traits necessary to be identified as a good marriage partner. God can do whatever God wants to do.

God often has a way of forming marriages in the most unlikely ways imaginable. But the truth is that as you think through what makes for good marriage partners, you might do well to look at the biblical roles that the Bible gives us as it relates to men being protectors, providers, leaders, and then ask yourself, am I putting on the kind of traits necessary?

Am I arranging my affairs necessary to take on these roles and responsibilities in the same way with a wife? Am I putting on the kind of traits necessary to be a wife who's characterized by a willingness to obey her husband, follow her husband, has a gentle and quiet spirit, this very precious in God's kind of sight?

Or am I just this fierce kind of woman who's frustrated all the time and basically off-putting and difficult to be around and difficult to talk to or difficult to approach? And so, individuals along those lines, there might be certain character traits that they're putting off that are the kind of traits that would be off-putting to other individuals.

Standards, Convictions, and Honest Counsel

And at the same time, I mean, there's plenty of people who are unwillingly single who essentially are looking at themselves and feeling as if they're just so undesirable because all their friends around them are getting married and they don't seem to be getting married.

But then at the same time, you ask them, well, what of these individuals that are getting married would you actually want to get married? And the answer to that kind of question is that that individual wouldn't want to marry any of them.

And that might tell you that that kind of individual is unmarried not because they are some fundamentally undesirable person, but because they have actual real standards in the world. It may be that they're not able to get married because they're not fundamentally sleeping around or engaging in sexual immorality or shamelessly flaunting their appearance around other people.

And you're living in a world that's fundamentally sexualized in a lot of ways. And you're living in a world that is fundamentally hostile to godliness. And so it might be that you have traits and convictions and standards that the standard kind of individual doesn't have.

And you're simply looking at the truth that when you look around, you can't find an individual who seems to even remotely be concerned with following God and only entertains shallow and superficial thoughts about God and has little to no understanding of what the Bible actually says or doctrine or anything else.

And you're just surrounded by your lot that's living in Sodom and you don't know what to do. And so there might be a great many people in that kind of situation and you ought not to make assumptions either way.

But if you are an individual in a person like that's life, or if you're an individual who is asking this basic question, why is it that I'm unable to get married? You might ask friends to actually answer that kind of question and be ready for an answer.

Are there traits that you see in me that make for a poor marriage choice? Am I unwillingly single right now because there's things about me that need to change? And you might try to pursue the kind of humility that actually wants to hear an actual answer to that question and doesn't just get reduced to a blubbering mess of tears by someone actually giving you a real answer.

And it might be that many of your friends could give you a good answer to that kind of question if you are actually open to hearing the actual answer to that. And it might be that them actually answering that question in an honest way for you is a means that God uses to make you easier to be around with members of the opposite sex also.

So there's no simple answer to this question. Why does no one want to marry me? The truth might be that there are plenty of people who want to marry you that are intimidated by you. They might be intimidated by you for good reasons.

They might be intimidated by you for bad reasons. They might be intimidated by you because they know that you care more about the Lord than them and that's off-putting to them in a certain sense. It might be that you have traits that you need to work on and try to change in order to make for a more desirable marriage partner.

It might be that there are sins in your life that you're letting go that are obvious to everyone around you like bitterness and like frustration, like irritation, annoyance, and just depression, and worry, and fear that are just making you fundamentally a poor marriage choice, or a lack of leadership, or a lack of strength, or a lack of courage.

And so there's no simple answer to this kind of question, but it is the type of question that individuals should be prayerfully considering and seeking advice and counsel from others to help.

With. This has been another episode of Bible Bashed. We hope you have been encouraged and blessed through our discussion. We thank you for all your support and ask you to continue to like and subscribe to Bible Bashed and share our podcast with your friends and on social media.

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Now, go boldly and obey the truth in the midst of a biblically illiterate world who will be perpetually offended by your every move.