Do I Have to Be Physically Attracted to the Person That I Will Marry?

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What do you do in a situation where there's really just not a lot of options to begin with? Who are you know given it's a given like hey,

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I'm gonna be looking for someone who's a Christian But there's just not a lot of options You know, what do

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I do? Do I do I wait? Because none of the guys who are available, you know,

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I'm not attracted to any of them Morning, the following message may be offensive to some audiences

00:29

These audiences may include but are not limited to professing Christians who never read their Bible Sissies, sodomites, men with man buns, those who approve of men with man buns, man bun enablers, white knights for men with man buns,

00:37

Homemakers who have finished Netflix but don't know how to meal plan, and people who refer to their pets as fur babies. Viewer discretion is advised. The Lord is hanging over our head.

01:16

They will hear his words, they will not act upon them, and when the floods of divine judgment, when the fires of wrath come, they will be consumed, and they will perish.

01:26

God wrapped himself in flesh, condescended, and became a man, died on the cross for sin, was resurrected on the third day, has ascended to the right hand of the

01:38

Father, where he sits now to make intercession for us. Jesus is saying there is a group of people who will hear his words, they will act upon them, and when the floods of divine judgment come in that final day, their house will stand.

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Welcome to Bible Bashed, where we aim to equip the saints for the work of ministry by answering the questions you're not allowed to ask.

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We're your hosts Harrison Kerrigg and Pastor Tim Mullett, and today we'll answer the age -old question,

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Do I have to be physically attracted to the person I will marry? So Tim, as we kick this episode off answering this question, what

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Bible verse do you have related to the topic? Yeah sure, so Deuteronomy 21 .10

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-13 essentially says that when you go out to war against your enemies, and the

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Lord your God gives them into your hand to take them captive, and you see among the captives a beautiful woman, and you desire to take her to be your wife.

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You bring her to your house, she shall shave her head and pair her nails. Then she shall take off the clothes in which she was captured, and she shall remain in your house and lament her father and her mother for a full month.

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After that you may go into her and be her husband, and she shall be your wife. So there you go.

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It's all right there. All right, so it's plain as day for us. Plain as a pike staff, yeah.

02:57

Yeah, so I guess exegete it for us a little bit. Tell us how it relates to, you know, for us today.

03:07

I mean, is this a verse that is only, you know, do we only do this in the context of when we're, you know, at war, and we're invading another country?

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Or, you know, does it have a broader application to be learned from?

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Tell us. I'm simply drawing out one principle there, right? So when you see among the captives a beautiful woman, like the idea is that God, in this verse, there's an assumption that men are made to find women physically attractive, right?

03:39

And a prerequisite for desiring to get married is to find a person physically attractive.

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You see what I mean? So God doesn't say, if you see among the captives an ugly woman and desire to take her to be your wife, right?

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If you see a revolting and hideous woman to look at, right? You desire to be her wife, like that isn't, like there's a natural assumption there that a man will want to marry someone that he finds physically attractive.

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So the Bible isn't necessarily totally rewriting the laws of physical attraction or something along those lines.

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It recognizes it for sure. Sure. I mean, yeah, and I feel like it does seem like there are verses that point us.

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I think typically if you were to ask this kind of question, you know,

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I was reading a, I think it was like one of the gotanswers .org

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articles or something on this topic. And they were basically saying, you know, you value what's internal, not what's external, essentially.

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And I do think you see that throughout scripture, but then it does seem like the

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Bible puts a premium on beauty in certain, in general, at least.

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So is that the case? I mean, does the Bible teach us that beauty is something to be desired?

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Or is it something that we should basically say, like, hey,

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I don't care about the outside, it's the inside that counts. I mean, everyone cares about the outside.

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It's just a matter of whether or not you're allowed to admit it, right? Sure. I mean, when it comes right down to it,

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I mean, if anyone actually thought that the Bible was teaching that men should utterly despise physical beauty, then if anyone actually thought that, no one is going to put that into practice, right?

05:47

Right. I mean, no one's going to go out there and find the most revolting woman that they can find to look at and propose, right?

05:56

So a lot of this is just, like, how important should it be kind of conversation at a practical level instead of is it important at all?

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So people can talk a good game. They can say, hey, yeah, it doesn't matter at all. All you should matter is the internal.

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It's like, well, yeah, that's great. So, you know, why didn't you marry a 500 -pound woman?

06:21

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I mean, so, like, at a certain level, everyone knows that this is of some importance, right?

06:27

So, you know, I mean, just like Paul says, bodily exercise is of some value. It doesn't say it's of no value.

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People make the same kind of move as it relates to beauty. So, I mean, there's obviously a lot to say about this topic in general.

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Meaning, like, I'm not sanctifying any young man's standard of beauty.

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I'm just saying as a general principle, the Bible isn't devaluing beauty.

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It's not saying that beauty is of no importance. I mean, in fact, I mean, like you read Proverbs 5, 18, it says,

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Let your fountain be blessed and rejoice in the wife of your youth. What does it say? A revolting pig, right?

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And a grotesque sloth, right? Let her breast fill you at all times with delight.

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Be intoxicated always in her love. No, I mean, it says a lovely deer, a graceful doe, right? Let her breast fill you at all times with delight.

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Be intoxicated always in her love. I mean, like, so the idea is over and over again, woman, like when you read the

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Bible, you'll see that one of the primary adjectives used to describe women in the Bible is the adjective of beauty.

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Every little girl, when they grow up, they want to be beautiful. That's what they want to be. You know, just like every boy wants to be strong.

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You know, that's just kind of the way it works. So God's wired men to have physical strength.

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He's wired women to have physical beauty. You know, he's wired men in such a way to appreciate physical beauty and the opposite is sex, so much so that the

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Bible says that woman is a glory of a man, right? So, like, that's a comment on her physical appearance.

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And then in the opposite, you know, the glory of a young man is strength, right? So part of what's happening is you're living in a time where most of the evangelical world is, they're kind of gnostic in this way, like they just despise the body.

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And they make a lot of pronouncements as it relates to this topic that they really don't follow through with, that really don't make a whole lot of sense.

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So, I mean, I do think that you have a lot of people who they can't really make simple distinctions along these lines.

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So what ends up happening when you're talking to people is that, like if you're talking about physical beauty, you're talking about physical strength, they almost make these things just completely irrelevant, right?

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They make them completely irrelevant. All that matters is the spiritual. And then they're pointing to passages which, you know, say something like, charm is deceitful, beauty is fading, right?

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But a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised. And then, you know, the New Testament where it encourages women to pursue the true beauty, right?

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Of a gentle and a quiet spirit, right? So, I mean, there's passages in the

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Old Testament which relativize the importance of beauty, but that doesn't mean that the

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Bible completely undermines it. Does that make sense? Yeah. So, you know, as you think about this, you know, where physical strength isn't at a premium because a lot of the jobs that people do, they simply don't require the same kind of strength that they used to.

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And, you know, I guess we may be imminently invaded or something like that, but not yet, right?

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So, I mean, in a time where, you know, wars are decided, people's lives are decided on the basis of physical hand -to -hand, you know, sword -to -sword combat, right?

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Physical strength is of value, and everyone knows it's of value, and you would never encourage your whole entire population of young men to be just pathetically weak, right?

10:07

Sure. So, I mean, in that kind of worldview, I mean, the Bible will come along and say, hey, the glory of a young man is their strength, meaning it's there for a purpose, right?

10:17

Yeah. But just like physical beauty fades, so also physical strength fades, right? So, I mean, you can imagine, like, young men, they get really, really strong, and then at a certain point it plateaus, and then it goes down, right?

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And the same thing is true of physical beauty. Women, there's a certain point where they reach peak beauty, and then at that point they go downhill, you know?

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And that's what the Bible says. But then what you don't do is you don't say, hey, because it's going to peak at a certain point and then fail, therefore it's worthless, who cares about it, right?

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Like, you want to use it for what it's designed to do, right? So, I mean, what a woman's physical beauty is designed to be is it's designed to be a gift given to men.

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That's what it's designed to be. So, I mean, Paul says in 1 Corinthians that man was not made for a woman, but a woman was made for a man, right?

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Yeah. And, you know, Proverbs says, Let your fountain be blessed and rejoiced, and the wife of your youth, a lovely dear, a graceful doe, let her breast fill you at all times with delight.

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Like, she's made to be physically pleasing to him. That's the way it works. So, it's made for a purpose, right?

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And, you know, so that's a blessing given to the son. Like, woman is a blessing given to the sons of man.

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And that physical beauty is what motivates men to get married, start a family, right?

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To accomplish God's purposes. I mean, you know, some smart -out could come along and say, hey, yeah, you should do it just because God's worth it.

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And it's like, and because He commands you. It's like, yeah, sure, but like, He's made it like a good thing. He hasn't made it a miserable thing. So, you know, there's that.

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So, I mean, I think with physical beauty, with strength, you can think about those things as comparisons.

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And you can see that, hey, yeah, they really do accomplish certain purposes, right? So, I mean, if all of our young men were just completely pathetically weak, who would build our houses?

12:05

Who would work on the oil rigs? Who would fight our battles, right? Who would keep us safe, you know? So, I mean, the issue is that strength is required for a great many tasks.

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Beauty is, you know, a foundational principle that God has introduced into the world primarily through the

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Pharisees, right? So, you know, all that's important is not to be despised. At the same time, you know, what the

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Bible does is it comes along to people who are predisposed to overvalue these things and tells them to include into their calculation the things that, like, really are going to last, right?

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But it's not like a wholesale rejection of beauty. It's not a wholesale rejection of strength.

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It's not as if, like, you're more godly the weaker and more pathetic you are so that Christ can make His power demonstrated in you or something like that, right?

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So, I mean, like, the goal isn't just to divest yourself of all responsibility and make yourself pathetically weak so that Christ can be more glorified in your, you know, pitiful inability to stand up off the couch or something, right?

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Like, let yourself atrophy that much so that it will be a divine miracle every time you stand, you know?

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Like, that's not the point, you know? But I think you're living in a time right now where you're obviously getting mixed messages related to this topic.

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And I think many young men, they probably have, like, way unrealistic standards about, like, what they deserve in a wife, right?

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Why do you think that it, like, I mean, do you think it has to do with, like, the internet and whatnot?

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Is it the magazines that are setting the beauty standards? You know, what is it?

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Yeah, I mean, I think it's a lot of things. I mean, you know, for most of human history, you know, you don't have access to smartphones for sure, right?

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So, you're certainly living in a time right now where young men can pull out their phone and they can see the 0 .0001

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% of the most beautiful women in the world, right? On their phone, like, in normal life.

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Whereas if you walk around in real life, what you're going to realize is that, like, you never really encounter that in real life.

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Okay? Just being honest, you know, as everyone knows, like, it's just the way it works, right? But you can look at your phone, you can see, like, the 0 .001

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% most beautiful women in the world. But not only do you see that, you see pictures of them at, you know, their best, most flattering angles, right?

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And they're not even real pictures. I mean, they're photoshopped, you know? They're highly edited.

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Now they could be AI, you know? So, I mean, like, you're living in a very strange time where, you know, in the real world, you might have a lot different expectations.

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I mean, you can imagine the kind of guy who, I don't know, have you ever seen the

15:05

Swiss Family Robinson movie? No, I haven't seen that movie. Okay. Or if I have,

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I don't remember it. So, they get stranded on a deserted island or whatever, and the two boys are like, hey, we've got to get married somehow, right?

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And so we're going to go exploring and try to see if we can find some people because we can't just be stuck here and cooped up or whatever.

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And so, you know, the first girl they see is like, they found a girl, you know? And then they're both fighting over the girl, right?

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Because they found one. You know, so in that kind of world, you know, you're not necessarily comparing the one you found over and against, you know, millions of model photos or, you know, thousands of model photos online or something.

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You know, you take what you get, right? Like you say, hey, this one I can see is better than all these like pretend ones

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I can't, you know? Right. So part of it, there's something like that that's going on. I do think a lot of young men, there's no longer like a sense of moral imperative to get married anymore.

16:10

Mm -hmm. So they're not looking at it as an act of faithfulness. They're looking at it like they're waiting for something to happen like internally for them to feel ready.

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You know what I mean? Yeah. So they're waiting for like the stars to align. Maybe love at first sight, for everything to go perfectly, you know, for there to be some kind of, you know, instant chemical romance or something like that.

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But like that everything works, right? Nothing's awkward or uncomfortable or hard, that there's just that instant connection that both people intuitively realize that you're the one immediately, right?

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Like the Disney romance, right? I mean, it's unfortunate. Guys are just, they want that too, you know?

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They're just deathly afraid of rejection. And I mean, some of that's understandable because like nowadays, like if you ask a girl out twice, you may get thrown in jail or something, right?

17:04

Yeah. I mean, in my parents' time, you know, like my dad, I think he asked about my mom several times, you know, because girls will often just say no.

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They'll say no because they're too scared to say yes, you know? And so if you just be a little persistent and you can overcome their, you know, inner fear or whatever, right?

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And that's kind of what you do. But then I think you're living in a weird time right now where you might get a restraining order if you show any kind of persistence.

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And so there's a lot of rules that kill the whole thing and set the sexes against each other.

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But yeah, no, I think, yeah, you have a lot of guys who have very unrealistic standards. On the opposite side, you have girls who have very unrealistic standards about the kind of guys that they deserve too, you know?

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So, I mean, you can have like a redneck girl, like a 400 -pound girl who lives in a trailer or something expecting to marry like a six -foot guy with a six -figure salary or something.

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Yeah, yeah. She doesn't want to settle, you know? She doesn't want to settle. Six foot two and a, yeah, six -figure salary.

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And a six -pack. That's what I deserve. And a six -pack, right? And a six -pack, yeah. I mean, but it's like you're just living in a weird time where things are increasingly impersonal.

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People's standards are just kind of crazy. You know, there's no one who has a sense of urgency to do this and like to get married.

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And, you know, they're just waiting for some kind of perfect thing and keep on waiting and waiting and waiting until they're, you know, running out of options, slowly running out of options.

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And so, I mean, it's a weird time. But, I mean, in general, yeah, I want to answer the question. I want to say, yes, a guy should find the girl he wants to marry attractive.

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I mean, I don't think he should like hold his nose and just say, all right, well, I guess

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I'm going to be faithful here. I'm completely repelled by this woman in every sense of the word, right?

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I'm just going to go for it. Yeah. I don't think that should happen, but I do think that, yeah, probably a lot of guys now, they have pretty unrealistic expectations.

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I mean, it's natural for men to exclusively look for the physical, right?

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Right. And the Bible would give a lot of warnings about that and try to help a guy to, you know, not just see what's on the outside, but, you know, actually learn to desire things that actually matter a lot more than that.

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The things that will make for a good marriage and keep things together, you know? But, yeah,

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I don't know. So, on the one hand, it's like, yeah, I think you should be attracted to the person that you're looking to marry.

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But then on the other hand, it's like you may need to really consider what your standard of attraction is based on it, right?

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And all the things that might be filtering in to that. Because, you know, yeah, I don't know.

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We're pretty out of touch with reality at this point. Well, it probably doesn't help that, you know, on women's side, well, really on men and women's side of things, it seems like, but especially women because, you know, they were made to be beautiful.

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I think, you know, guys, they can be handsome and they can be, I mean, you can tell when a guy's ugly or when a guy's attractive, you know, like that can be plainly obvious.

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But for women, there is this kind of, and that's fine for guys to be that way.

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Obviously, it's not the same as beauty. The women were made for beauty. And I don't think it helps that you have, like, a feminist movement that's essentially telling all women that they don't need to try, essentially.

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I mean, you see, like, I don't know if you've seen these online, Tim, but they're the videos where, well, it'll be like, here's this girl, you know, before she either became a feminist or came out as, like, same -sex attracted or, you know, decided to, like, transition to try and pretend to be a man.

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And you see them before and you're like, oh, yeah, you know, that person's pretty. Like, I see that, you know, I can recognize that.

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And, you know, they show you, like, a couple different pictures of them before and then it shows them afterward.

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And it's just like, oh, you know, you have, like, an instant kind of knee -jerk reaction.

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And so I don't think it helps that you have those kinds of movements. I think you do kind of have it on both sides.

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People probably don't talk about it as much with men just because men aren't – we're supposed to be strong, right?

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We're supposed to be courageous. Paul tells us to act like men. But, you know,

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I see it all the time with younger people today where it's like they're never –

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I mean, I think it says something about you, the way that you dress. For example, or the way that you take care of yourself physically.

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And every young person I see constantly wearing, like, their pajama pants.

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You know, they're constantly, like – It's a rough time for, yeah. I mean, like, to not put – to not invest at all in, you know, trying to present yourself in, like, the best light possible.

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Now, obviously, the Bible has, you know, strong words about the person who is vain enough to put all their hope in, you know, the way they dress and the way that others perceive how they present themselves.

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And so I'm not necessarily trying to say, like, hey, we've all got to – if you're not dressing up as nice as possible for all situations, then you're failing, you know.

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But I feel like there's got to be some kind of, like, all right, yeah, but you're not trying at all.

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It seems like you're doing the opposite. Yeah, you have a lot of people who aren't trying at all, and then they have very high expectations.

23:30

Right, yeah. I mean, did you see the video of that girl? I can't remember her name, but she's like that.

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I mean, if I'm just being honest, like, she is just – like, she's probably 300 or 400 pounds, and she is very – like, she's very unattractive.

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And she goes on some podcast, and maybe it was just a bit they were doing, but she goes on this podcast, and they're basically like, hey, rate yourself, you know, in terms of how attractive you think you are from 1 to 10.

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And I think she said – I think she might have said an 8, you know.

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And, like, you just see everyone reacting. And one of the guys, he thinks his mic is turned off, and he's just, like, going off about how ugly she is, basically.

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And, you know, it's just like maybe that individual was just –

24:29

Harsh or something. You know how people – you know, it's just bait, right? It's rage bait. So, I'm aware that that's a possibility.

24:36

But I think that – I think you – I think the only reason that's funny is because we all know people like that.

24:45

Sure. Am I right in that? Am I right in that assumption? Well, yeah. I think that people's expectations are very, very high for a lot of different reasons.

24:54

I mean, this is both ways. I mean, I think young men's expectations are very high and young women's expectations are very high.

25:01

So, I mean, you do have a generation of narcissists who have basically been told their whole life that they're special and they're unique.

25:08

And they've been told that beauty is, you know, relative, you know, in the eye of the beholder. And they almost conceive of, like, attractiveness as a right that they deserve, if that makes sense, right?

25:21

Yeah. So, they – like, you're not even allowed to just be honest about these things anymore.

25:28

I mean, everything that you just said was, I mean, completely and totally rude and insensitive and hateful.

25:35

Add it to the list. You bigot. I mean, you're not really even allowed to talk about –

25:40

I mean, part of the problem is it's like, yeah, I can – you know, this is one of those topics that in a sane world you wouldn't have to even say these things.

25:51

Do you know what I mean? Right. Yeah. So, yeah, I mean, sure, it's not polite to comment on these things to great length, you know, like a

26:02

Christian podcast. Like, in an ideal world, we wouldn't have to talk about this.

26:08

But then when you're in crazy land, then at a certain point, you just have to say the obvious. Like, ugly people exist, right?

26:15

Like, fat people. We're all beautiful on the inside,

26:21

Tim. I thought you understood that. We're all made in the image of God. Do you reject that, that we're all made in the image of God?

26:29

Is that how you're able to say some people are ugly? There you go. I guess the image of God means everyone's like a beautiful, unique snowflake, you know, that's precious.

26:41

God, God, God. Precious in His sight, man. Yeah, there you go. Well, I do think it says something about our society.

26:50

If, you know, in Paul's day, he feels the need to have to write because they're putting far too much value and effort into their outward appearance and not valuing the

27:02

N -word enough. But then if you look at our culture today, we still aren't valuing the

27:10

N -word in the right way, but then we're not even valuing the outward either now.

27:16

That seems concerning. Yeah, it's weird. Because we value, we're exclusively valuing the outward, but then we're completely, like, we think we deserve to be valued outwardly, no matter what decisions we make.

27:32

So it's a very strange thing to watch. I think you can look at old, you know, videos of people in the 60s or whatever, like at beaches or whatever, right, where everyone is just walking in public and everyone is thin, you know.

27:46

They're thin, they're dressed in nice clothes. They seem, like, put together, right?

27:52

They seem like responsible, respectable people, you know, something along those lines. I mean, you look at our society and it's very different, you know.

27:59

But then you have people with very, very high standards and, like, they're not, like, totally blind to the fact that they're not meeting those standards themselves.

28:07

So, I mean, it's a weird time for sure. So, I mean, I think, related to this topic, you know,

28:14

I think, you know, I don't think you should hold your nose and just marry the first person who is a member of the opposite sex who just says they're a

28:25

Christian or something, right? Like, I don't think you should do that. I mean, at the same time, I think you should be, like,

28:32

I think you should be growing in your ability to value the things that matter, you know. So, I mean, a lot of these situations, like, you just, you know, if you're a young single person, you have people saying, hey, this person seems godly or whatever, go talk to her.

28:46

And they may not be godly at all. They may just be available, you know, kind of thing. But, you know,

28:53

I don't know that a lot of young people really, they know the Bible well enough to know what a good person to look for is, right?

29:01

So, a lot of it just reduces to, most people who are looking for a spouse early on in their life are basically just completely superficial.

29:09

They, you know, if they have any standards for members of the opposite sex, it may be like a doctrinal, like a strict doctrinal checklist or something like that, right?

29:20

Yeah. So, if they can answer all the right questions on the quiz, maybe they got that. So, they're overly strict related to things like that.

29:27

But, I mean, good character goes a long ways. And, you know, but they don't know how to identify a woman with a gentle and a quiet spirit.

29:36

They don't even know what they're looking for, right? So, it just reduces. I would venture to say that there, I would venture to say that there's a lot of people out there, you know, maybe this includes

29:45

Christians that are probably not even valuing something like a gentle and a quiet spirit.

29:51

At all. Yeah. Yeah. But, I mean, I had a friend who,

29:56

I'm just as an example of the kind of thing I'm talking about. I had a friend who had a very particular, you know, physical type that they were looking for, whatever, that they were obvious about, right?

30:06

But then, they found a girl that met that type that they were looking for, checked all their boxes or whatever, you know?

30:14

But then, when I met them, like one of the things they bragged about this girl was that this girl would basically defend them to her parents by being like completely disrespectful to their parents, right?

30:31

To her parents, right? Yeah. And it was one of those funny things where I thought, oh man, like, you don't know what you're getting into, do you?

30:37

Yeah. Oh, you don't see it, huh? You don't know what that means. Like, so right now, she's loyal to you, right?

30:46

Yeah. But the people who are in authority over her, she's rude and disrespectful to.

30:52

Pretty soon, that's going to be you, right? She's going to be to you. But you don't see it. You don't see it.

30:57

You don't even know what you're looking for, right? You don't know what's going to happen. You don't know the next, you know, plot point in this narrative.

31:05

You're like, hey man, I've got a really good corner of a roof I can rent out to you. Yeah. I mean, you know, they don't want to hear it.

31:12

They don't understand. They don't know where the story's going. You know where the story's going. You can't really help them because they're just completely superficial.

31:20

So yeah, no, I think a lot of guys are pretty superficial right now. They should be valuing other things a lot more than they should value.

31:27

But then I am acknowledging when you're living in a world where no one's trying anymore and everyone has very high, you know, a very high view of themselves, right?

31:39

Like a very, you have a lot of people who are completely blind to themselves, right?

31:46

They have very high view of themselves. They're very low performers, right? And then there's like a demand that you validate them that goes along with that.

31:55

Don't criticize them in any way. It just, it makes for a weird situation for sure. You know, but then I do think, you know, at a certain point, if like the answer, you know, a lot of people present these things.

32:06

I mean, you can listen to people like Pearl talk about all this stuff and I don't recommend you do that.

32:11

But I mean, she's honest about the nature of a lot of the problems.

32:17

The point is, it's just like there's a hopeless application at the end. The application is, well, you know, like no one should get married then because it's just not worth it.

32:26

Right? It's like, well, that's not the answer. I mean, I think the answer is a lot of people just going back to the

32:32

Bible and seeing what the Bible says and saying, hey, I want to honor God and I'm just going to do the best

32:38

I can. Right. Right. Yeah. I'm going to be praying that God would help me to see the things that matter most.

32:50

You know, and I don't think you have to completely reject the body or something like that, completely reject physical beauty.

32:56

But I do think you can prioritize the things that matter most and that's what people, you know, they're not doing and they should be doing.

33:03

Yeah. And it may be that whatever this imaginary type you have in your mind of this person that is supposed to look like a celebrity, it probably has to go.

33:15

But there is something very intoxicating about a girl with good character who is nice, you know, like a nice, pleasant girl with good character.

33:31

You know, so I think a lot of guys, they just write women off like very quickly because they don't pass the physical checkmark.

33:40

But, you know, a girl with good character who has a good, gentle, kind disposition.

33:48

I mean, one day they'll realize how attractive that is after they've lived on the corner of the room for, you know, a decade.

33:56

Yeah. They'll realize, you know, what matters most and wonder why they were so stupid, you know, and superficial.

34:05

And it's probably worth remembering that, you know, that beauty does actually fade, but the character doesn't necessarily.

34:13

It gets better. Yeah. And I guess in fairness to GotQuestions, I think

34:19

I called them GotAnswers before. It's gotquestions .org. You know, I think the article that they wrote, they do recognize that attraction is a good part of marriage.

34:35

And they, you know, they mentioned Solomon describing the bridegroom as beautiful, you know, and then the bridegroom doing the same in reverse.

34:49

And so, I think they were probably more just getting at that person that maybe you're talking about now.

34:56

The person that just puts all their stake in, especially the guy probably, who puts all their stake in, you know, the physical attraction and how beautiful the other person is.

35:09

And not, you know, not necessarily caring about what is on the inside, because I do think that is an important part of it.

35:15

So, what about a situation, and I'm probably more thinking about girls who are looking for a spouse in this situation, though I recognize it could happen to guys too.

35:32

What do you do in a situation where there's really just not a lot of options to begin with? It's a given, like, hey,

35:42

I'm going to be looking for someone who's a Christian, but there's just not a lot of options. You know, what do

35:48

I do? Do I wait because none of the guys who are available, I'm not attracted to any of them?

35:55

Are we talking about guy to girl or both? Really both, but I feel like I've seen this more from girls who are looking for a spouse, that there's just not a lot of options in the church.

36:14

And I guess they would view us as mature, or at least at the same place that they are at personally, spiritually.

36:28

So, what do you tell that person? Do you tell them, hey, just wait, hold out, hope?

36:33

Or do you say, hey, it's time to just pinch your nose and hope that that character, that biblical maturity you see, that can overcome maybe their physical looks?

36:53

What would you tell that person? So, I think that attraction is a complicated thing.

37:03

And I would say that attraction is important. But then it needs to be triggered in the right way, if that makes sense.

37:16

So, a person who's just completely superficial, they're hopeless.

37:23

They're just hopeless because what they're going to do is they're motivated in the completely wrong way.

37:32

And so, all they're looking for is a set of physical attributes. That's all they're looking for. And so, when they see that, they feel attraction.

37:39

They feel a pull. So, attraction is like a pull, right? They feel a pull towards someone. And that pull is completely connected to a certain set of shapes they're looking for, right?

37:52

Yeah. In proportions and all that, right? So, that's what they're looking for. So, the issue is, you can tell them all day long, hey,

38:01

I think you're superficial, and it won't matter because if they saw a godly person, they'd be repelled by them.

38:07

So, in a certain sense, you're going to get what you're looking for.

38:14

Do you see what I mean? Mm -hmm. So, if what you're looking for is purely physical, then either you're just going to wait around forever and ever and not find it and be disappointed.

38:26

Or if you do find something that matches what you're looking for, then you'll feel pulled towards it, right?

38:35

Does that make sense? Yeah. So, I think the more that people are learning to desire the right things, the more they'll realize how hard it actually is.

38:47

So, if you're a guy and you talk to 20 hopeless feminists who couldn't conceive of ever following a man, right?

39:00

No amount of persuasion on your part would ever help them or something like that. They're just contentious, loud, arrogant women who are trying to pretend to be men or something.

39:10

If you see that over and over and over again, and all of a sudden you see someone who isn't that, right?

39:19

You see the opposite of that. You see a girl who's legitimately godly and isn't 400 pounds.

39:28

It could go a long way. So, a lot of what's happening is,

39:34

I think, in general, a godly person is going to present themselves reasonably well, right?

39:42

A mature godly person isn't going to be just a complete and total train wreck, right? You understand what I mean? Sure. Yeah.

39:48

So, if you see someone who's not a complete and total train wreck and who makes some effort at all that, but then who is such a dramatic contrast to all the worldly girls out there who only care about worldly stuff, right?

40:07

Who actually has character. I do think that your eyes do different things at that point.

40:13

You know what I mean? Yeah. It doesn't reduce to just ignore.

40:21

All right, you feel no attraction to them whatsoever, and just take one for the team. I think if you are a godly person and you're looking for godliness and you find it, when you find it,

40:35

I think you should feel drawn to it, right? I mean, if you're an older person in one of these people's lives and you say, hey,

40:43

I see the godliness there, and the guy is completely repelled by it, it's like, well, he's just revealing where he's at.

40:51

You understand what I mean? He's just revealing the state of his heart with that. You see what

40:57

I mean? Yeah. He's very immature and he doesn't see it.

41:03

I don't think you just shut it off or whatever. I don't think you just shut it off, shut it on.

41:09

I think if you know what you're looking for and you're looking for the right things, when you find them, you'll realize how rare they are.

41:18

And that's what the Bible says, an excellent wife who can find one. So when you're searching for that rare thing and you see it, it'll stand out.

41:27

And it may not be the picture that you had in your mind or whatever of what you would be looking for, but it'll be what it is.

41:35

You see what I mean? Yeah. That's part of it. I do think in general, people should be training themselves to want the right thing.

41:48

I think you're in a weird time right now too, though, where a lot of guys are just so afraid to talk to women. They have no courage.

41:56

They have no nothing. They just look at a woman. All they see is they're seeing a certain set of physical characteristics that wasn't the ideal thing in their mind.

42:07

And then they're running through the calculus in their head of like, well, is it worth it even in talking to them and putting myself out there because I'm so afraid of rejection?

42:17

So I think you have a lot of painfully insecure guys who are basically closing the door on a lot of things that could be good opportunities if they weren't so deathly afraid of women at that point.

42:32

Yeah, man up. Yeah, same things happen in the opposite direction too, in different ways. You obviously need

42:42

God to do a great work and open people's eyes and help them to think more like people used to think.

42:48

Like the two guys on the island. We gotta go find someone.

42:53

We gotta go find a girl, man. We found one. She'll do.

42:59

I do think there's something to that. So basically, hey, finding someone with good character, that genuinely does make up a lot of ground even if someone isn't like a supermodel level attractiveness.

43:20

It goes a long way, yeah. But you probably draw the line at 400 pounds. See, the thing is, this is a false hypothetical because the 400 pound person does not have godly character.

43:33

Yeah, yeah. Do you see what I mean? Yeah. No, it's just that. I mean, everyone says that though, but it's just like, no,

43:40

I mean, like, yeah, that's just it. I mean, it's amazing just if you keep yourself in reasonable proportion, how much you stand out in the world that doesn't, you know, particularly in the

43:51

South, you know, kind of thing. So there's that. Okay, well, fair enough.

43:57

Thank you, Tim, for answering all of our questions there. And it certainly is an important topic for so many.

44:05

I mean, there's so many different issues that fall in that you've touched on the, you know, men who are who are afraid of rejection so much so that they refuse to say anything to any woman.

44:16

People who put far too much weight on physical attraction and then people on the other side who put almost no weight on it whatsoever and completely neglect themselves.

44:29

You know, even to the point of sin, a lot of times, you know, like like you were mentioning the weight thing, you know, that that is

44:38

I mean, that's gluttony, right? And and and slothfulness probably as well.

44:45

So there's a lot of important important issues for us to think through there. So thank you for talking us through that.

44:51

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45:41

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45:47

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