Discipleship in Marriage

Beautiful, it worked. So it has been a long time since I've had the privilege of bringing the word of God to this church. I'm thankful for the opportunity, I'm thankful for Ross, his encouragement, and I trust that the Lord was in all of this.

And certainly this subject is something I am passionate about. I love my wife, I hope through this you'll get bits and pieces. Obviously, I have a lot to say, and there's just not enough time to say it all.

So hopefully as we continue to live in church together, our story is one that we like to be transparent with and help other people with. And so even as we finish out this retreat, if any questions any of you have over time, please feel free to approach myself or my wife, Marie, and we'd love to talk with you.

The Biblical Text and the Plan for Marriage

So I have this task tonight, and this privilege. But let me just read the text that I'm responsible for this evening to us. Obviously should be very familiar to us all. So Colossians 3 .18 and 19 say this, wives, submit to your own husbands as is fitting in the Lord.

Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them. So as I said, I have the task this evening and privilege of helping us understand the text as well as help us practically apply it. Now I'm gonna be bringing in other scripture to help us more fully understand the importance of these commands and the importance of fulfilling these roles to the glory of God.

As I kind of alluded to, in no way will this be an exhaustive exposition. This topic is huge and there's so much that could be said and so many angles it could be approached from. Tonight I have to trust in what I've prepared and what the Lord has led me in that it will be sufficient.

Concerning the theology of marriage, right? Again, as I said, I have to trust the Lord will use what I prepared through his leading the last several weeks. I hope it's done to bring glory to him. That's been my only prayer.

My prayer is for healthy marriages and glory to God. That's all I care about when it comes to this subject. I desire that his bride, the church, would be built up and strengthened in this area. Now to do this tonight, we're gonna look at three different sections of scripture.

And we're gonna start all the way back in Genesis to see God's plan and design for marriage. Then I'm gonna take us to Ephesians 5, where a great mystery will be revealed concerning marriage. And then thirdly, we're gonna look at Romans 8, 28 and 29, where we will see what the will of God is for those who love God and are called according to his purpose.

Finally, we'll bring it all back to our verses in Colossians 3, 18 and 19. And we'll look at the context in which these commands are given. Because as I've said before, context is king. It's one of the primary hermeneutics to understanding the Bible correctly.

You may ask, what is hermeneutics? What does it mean? Now most of us may know it here, but I don't wanna take that for granted. A simple definition is, it is the methods we use to interpret scripture correctly.

And again, one of the primary ones is the context in which the verse you're trying to understand is contained in. So concerning our verses that are before us, we'll do well to back up and understand what has been stated before to correctly understand what's in front of us.

Paul often tells us the right things to believe before he tells us the right way to behave. Right, in fancy theological terms, Paul gives us correct orthodoxy and then calls us to correct orthopraxy. Right thinking before right living.

Again, it's really important. So after looking to other scripture, we'll return to the commands found in our verses. And again, we will do so, keeping in mind the immediate context, as well as keeping in view the other scripture we look at.

This brings up another important hermeneutic. You know, sometimes we take a verse out of the Bible and it may be a little confusing to us. We may not have too much clarity on what it's trying to tell us.

And what you do in that case is you go to other places in the Bible that speak to the same subject and you allow it to filter the one you're trying to understand. And oftentimes you gain more clarity, more understanding, more depth.

And part of why I'm bringing in three other passages is to help us do that. We're gonna take our verses and we're gonna kind of run them through these other verses and it'll really help us have more depth and understanding of marriage as a whole.

Well, often what's said about this hermeneutic is let scripture interpret scripture. Where you're confused, go to other places in the Bible that speak to the same topic and run it through it. And you'll often find you'll get your answers.

Creation, Companionship, and One-Flesh Marriage

Well, let's go back to Genesis. Now in Genesis one, we have the account of the first six days of creation. Then chapter two opens in verse one saying, thus the heavens and earth and all the host of them were finished.

Then verses two and three explains the seventh day. And on that day, God rests from his work that he had done and he sanctifies the seventh day or he sets it apart from every other day. By verse seven, we are told that the Lord God formed man out of the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life.

And man became a living being. Verse eight tells us the Lord planted a garden eastward in Eden. And there he put the man whom he had formed. Verse 15 goes on to say, he put him there specifically to tend and keep it.

Verse 18, and the Lord God said, it is not good that man should be alone. I will make him a helper comparable to him. Now, as the chapter comes to a close, the Lord brings all the living creatures before him.

And whatever Adam called them, that is what they were named. But in all of that, there was not found a helper comparable. So what does the Lord do? He causes a deep sleep to fall on Adam. And while Adam was asleep, he took out one of Adam's ribs and closed up the flesh in its place.

Then that rib that was removed from Adam, the Lord then made it into a woman. And he brought the woman to Adam. And this is what he did. And this is what Adam said. Quote, this is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.

She shall be called woman because she was taken out of man. The very next verse, the very next verse starts, therefore. Remember, whenever you read the word therefore, you ask yourself, what's it there for?

And you look back to the previous verse. And so based on the verses I just shared out of Genesis 2, the scripture says, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Amen?

This reveals my first main point as to the purpose and design of marriage. And that is companionship. Companionship. Think about that. In my mind tonight, it raises the question for all of us that are married, what is the current condition of your companionship?

And we're gonna get back to that as we continue to unfold things this evening. The second purpose I've got titled here, the great mystery, right? This is found in Ephesians 5, verses 22 and 23. Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.

For the husband is head of the wife as also Christ is the head of the church. And he is the savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her, that he might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that he might present her to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever, there it is. I keep hitting the wrong buttons here. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies.

He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of his body, of his flesh and of his bones.

For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless, let each one of you in particular, so love his own wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

What a glorious passage. Marriage is all about Christ and his bride. Yes, it's about companionship, but here the great mystery is revealed and marriage is to display the glorious gospel. And the third point, conformity to Christ.

Now I wanna bring us to a passage in Romans, specifically Romans 8 .28 through 30. Verse 28 starts, and we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose.

For whom he foreknew, he also predestined to become conformed to the image of his son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren. Moreover, whom he predestined, these he also called. Whom he called, these he also justified.

And whom he justified, these he also glorified. What an amazing passage. However, what I want us to see is one truth found in verse 29, that we are in fact predestined to become conformed into the image of his son.

And I wanna point out here tonight that marriage is about companionship, Christ and his church, and as we see here, conformity to Christ. Companionship, the gospel, and conformity to Christ. And the question is, do you actually believe that?

When you think of marriage, whether you're in a marriage now, or whether you're hoping to be married in the future, or whether you're just about to be married, are these three things that you've really thought about and considered?

Companionship, the gospel, and conformity to Christ. By faith, we need to all embrace it. Marriage is a glorious and weighty institution. Now, with those passages still in view, let's return to our verses in Colossians 3 .18 and 19.

Wives, submit to your own husbands as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them. Understand that in order to rightly understand these verses, as I said earlier, we need to understand the context in which they are given.

If we don't understand the appropriate character of a Christian, if we don't understand the purpose of marriage, and if we don't understand that marriage is about Christ and his church, and that it should display his glorious gospel, how then will a wife understand her submission to her husband?

And how will a husband understand what his leadership or headship is supposed to look like? I've brought in three other passages of scripture.

To help us.

But honestly, if all we had was our memory passage, we would be fine. Let's look together again at Colossians 3, starting in verse 12. Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, long suffering, bearing with one another and forgiving one another.

If anyone has a complaint against another, even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things, put on love, which is the bond of perfection, and let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body, and be thankful.

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Can you imagine if our homes and the relationships within our homes were driven by these Christian character traits and done so consistently? I'll tell you what they would be like. They would be completely transformed households to the glory of God.

Wives, Submission, and the Limits of Authority

Now, let me address the wives first, because the scripture does, Paul does. Colossians 3 .18, wives, submit to your own husbands as is fitting in the Lord. Male headship is important to the Lord. Male headship was established in creation even before he made the woman.

Male headship is vital if our marriages are to paint the correct picture. If they are to display the gospel and a wife's submission to her own husband is necessary to paint the correct picture and frankly, to please God.

Some things to say about this submission. I will state straight away that it has nothing to do with inequality. Male and female are equal in Christ. They are joint heirs. A great example of understanding this structure of authority, this obedience to authority and yet being equal, there is no greater example than the one we find in the Godhead.

Certainly the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit are equally God. Yet there is an economy within the Godhead where authority is submitted to. The Son submits and obeys the Father and the Spirit likewise to the Son.

So there is equality and yet there are roles and there is submission to real authority. So number one, this submission, it involves obedience. I know that can be hard to hear for some. The Greek word is hupotasso.

Ross will correct me later if I said that right or not. Which is to be subordinate, to be under obedience to, to submit to one's control, to yield to or to simply obey. This is consistent in scripture where this same word is used.

There are multiple examples in the New Testament. Okay, I'm gonna give them rapid fire. If you're a note taker, I'll give you the scripture references but we're not gonna be reading all these passages.

Where in the New Testament there's five I'm gonna list. It's Jesus, or I should say it's Jesus' parents and Jesus and the way he obeys them. And that's gonna be found in Luke 2 .51 if you wanna look it up later.

Then we have an example in Luke 10 .17 of the disciples and demons and the fact that they were given authority that even the demons had to obey them. And then a famous one, we've talked about it a lot in this church as we went through COVID and have gone through all kinds of things concerning the civil magistrate.

We had that famous Romans 13 .1 passage being subject to governing authorities. And then in 1 Corinthians 15 .27 and 28, it's really about Jesus and everything being subject to him. So those are those five.

And then I'm also gonna add this little tidbit here. Finally, I'm gonna go to Peter in 1 Peter 3 .1 -6. Because Peter points us back to the Old Testament where we see that this submission is explained through the example of Sarah obeying Abraham.

So again, number one, it involves obedience. It just does. Number two, the submission is in everything. We know that from the Ephesians passage I shared, Ephesians 5 .24. Therefore, just as a church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

Simple, we can't, it's plain. And so then number three, this submission is to their own husbands. Not just any man, but to their own husbands. This is right in our verse, as has been memorized by many.

And it's also in the Ephesians 5 .24 verse. Very clear, it's to their own husbands. Number four, this could be a little, this'll be interesting to see how people react to this one. And it's kind of a scary one for me too, but it can't be ignored.

This submission is not to violate her own conscience. In Christ, she has liberty of conscience. Now, all I'm gonna say about, there's no way we can go through all the but and what ifs and there's a lot of them, right?

That a church and an elder boy would have to work through and figure out, but I'll just say this. Her conscience, as well as any Christian's conscience, needs to be informed. And it needs to be informed by the word of God, not by our feelings, not by the world, not by the flesh, and not by the devil, amen?

Our consciences need to be informed and they need to be informed correctly. Now, with that being said, though, this submission is not to violate her conscience before the Lord. Fifth and finally, what I will say about this submission, it is limited to what is lawful.

And let me make it clear what is lawful. Because it's not what the husband comes up with, it's not his laws. But what I mean is, in other words, if the husband is asking his wife to sin, she is obligated to obey God rather than her husband.

In fact, she, quote, must obey God rather than man, Acts 5 .29. Now, I'll give a couple of quick examples but again, this may be for other times of discussion. The examples could be endless. Just a couple so that people have somewhat of an understanding of what I'm talking about is a husband forbids his wife to go to church.

Clearly, she would be disobeying God if she obeyed her husband, right? Hebrews 10 .25 says, do not forsake the assembling of yourselves together. Now, here's a really tricky one and I don't wanna say too much in this forum but what about a husband asking his wife to participate in some form of immorality?

That could be bringing a substance or materials into their house or marital bed and it's not lawful. It's not lawful, the wife does not have to obey a husband who's asking her to be unlawful. So again, there are endless examples but my point is this, the husband's headship, his leadership cannot cause his wife to sin before God.

Husbands, Christlike Love, and Repentance in Marriage

Now, with all that said about the wife's submission, I need to move on to husbands. Let's look at Colossians 3 .19. Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them. A husband is called to love their wives and not be unkind toward them.

Now, we've already looked at Ephesians. This is to be a Christ-like loving leadership. A committed, faithful leadership. Is your leadership, brothers, the type that turns on and off to accommodate your own desires and pursuits?

That's one good question for us tonight. It should be a self-sacrificing leadership. Brothers, Christ is our example. The standard is the perfect one. As Ephesians points out, a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

He's to love her as his own body and even as himself. Brothers, can you imagine what your marriage would be like if you were more consistent in loving and leading like the Lord Jesus Christ? Now, let's go back to our Colossians passage.

Remember that before any command to wives and before any command to husbands, Paul lays out in chapter three, starting in verse 12, the character befitting a Christian. Remember, they are not optional.

In fact, anything less is sin and needs to be repented of. I don't think we think about that enough in the Christian life. When we read these commands of how we're supposed to be and we know we're not living them out, we don't keep short enough accounts with our spouses and family.

And when we recognize how far we are falling short of these commands, we need to repent. We need to ask for forgiveness. We need to go through that process before we can really move forward in a healthy way.

If you don't believe that anything less is sin, then you've got a real problem with God that you need to rectify because we need to really start identifying sin for sin and not just kind of, you know, it's okay, I'll get better.

Yeah, enough said there, but let me just say, up until this point, I've tried to exposit our texts as well as lay out some theology concerning marriage. And again, in no way exhaustively, but hopefully adequately for our purposes here tonight.

So concerning discipleship and marriage, let me bring us back to my three purposes for marriage. And of course, they're not my purposes. They're the Lord's purposes. Companionship, Christ and the church, the gospel, and conformity to Christ.

So I wanna talk about each one as we put all this together and talk about some practical things to help our marriages. First, companionship. It is not good for man to be alone. Marriage is not to feel like a rigid commitment or just some contract or living agreement it's a covenant before God with godly purposes that should include a warm relationship, which should include a husband and a wife that are dripping with Christ-like character.

The character found in our memory verse, it should be full of love and affection for one another. I mean, I could go on and on. I'd love to share so many stories. Of me and my bride, Marie. But maybe I'll hold on towards the end or to the end.

A marriage should only have one head, that being the husband. On a football field, there's only room for one quarterback to lead the team. We've talked about that before. They're kind of cool analogies.

I'm gonna share a quick story about my job and kind of the reason, can only be one quarterback on a field at one time. Well, I think in my line of work, there really can be only one boss out there in the field when there's lots of dangerous stuff going on.

And so at my job, when we go in at night to work on one of the highways, I'll call a tailgate meeting. Right, this is a time for everyone involved from the operators of the equipment to the support staff, as well as the state police that will be providing vital traffic control.

It's a time for them to all gather around one piece of equipment or the back of a pickup, hence the name tailgate meeting, and get on the same page. And oftentimes I won't lead that meeting because I'm not the lead operator.

I'll pick one of my guys that's probably running the most important piece of equipment and I'll put him in charge of that meeting. And I ask, I call everybody's attention from the state police, the support staff, to the operators, and I'll say, listen, you're gonna listen to Andy at this point.

He's running this piece of equipment. He's in charge tonight. And Andy explains what he's doing, what's gonna happen out there, what lanes they're gonna be in at certain times. And it's the only way that we can accomplish a safe work zone and a safe environment to get the work accomplished, right.

My point is being, can only be one quarterback on the field. There can only be one head. It's the way God designed it. And so, I'm sorry, let me, I've kind of bounced around. I've now gone away from my notes for the first time.

So in marriage, it's one leader, one head, right. This is the Lord's design. And he has given this role to men, to the husband. And as Paul Washer once said, quote, as far as he is concerned, anything with two heads is a monster and should be destroyed.

Amen, Paul Washer. So now, with all that being said, right, a husband needs to be the leader. But a good leader and a good husband should welcome the often wise counsel of his wife. I cannot begin to tell you the benefit I have had over the 28 years with Marie of her wise and godly counsel.

Well, I didn't expect that. It has blessed me so much and has spared me of so much trouble, I can't tell you. Now, likewise, and I got her permission to share this, she can testify that at times when her emotions were leading her, when she was struggling, my leadership, by God's grace, has protected her from trouble, provided her safety and stability.

Now, you may ask, how did I know when to listen to her counsel or when to confidently and lovingly lead her? That's a great question, by the way. Three things come to mind right away. I'm not saying they're the only three things.

I'm just saying, clearly in my mind, three things come. One, and this is one I really wanna stress to you brothers. Whether you're aspiring and hoping to be married someday or whether you've been married for a long time or whatever the case, wherever you're at, one thing I have been doing is studying Marie for 28 years.

And I'll tell you what, I've enjoyed every minute. I can't stress this enough. If you wanna live with your wife in an understanding way, which is what the scripture calls you to do, you need to be a learner or a studier of your wife.

That takes time. It takes commitment. It means laying lots of other things that you may wanna do down. But it is, you cannot bypass it and have a good marriage and a healthy marriage. I just can't stress it enough.

It is your duty. There's no way you're gonna understand your wife, you're gonna be able to live with her in an understanding way unless you know her well. Secondly, counsel. This I think gets bypassed all the time because we're too prideful.

We're too scared to be transparent with other people. And I get it, I get it. But counsel is my number two. Seek the counsel of like-minded spiritual brothers or seek the counsel of your elders. The scriptures are clear.

There is safety in much counsel. And a lot of times we like to ignore that verse or put a yeah, but, or a eh, but. A lot of times I hear that in Christians because it is a scary thing to do. I'm prefacing it by saying you need to make sure you're fairly confident the counsel you're seeking is from like-minded spiritual brothers.

And then your own church family and elders. But we really need to believe, because I've actually shared this verse quite a bit in the last month or so. For some reason it keeps coming up. Do you really, do you believe that there is safety in a lot of counsel?

Because that's what God's word says. And I don't think we practice it enough because we're embarrassed about certain things. So that's all I'll say about that. Thirdly, and most importantly, pray. A humble husband on his knees, seeking the Lord's will for his marriage and his family life is what every godly woman is looking for and what every home needs.

Every home is blessed when it's led by a man who wears out his Levi's. Wives have a much easier time submitting to husbands who are low and spend much time on their knees. Marie has always been more at ease under my leadership when she knows I've been spending time with the Lord.

Now let's go to the second purpose. Your marriage is about Christ and the church. It's about the glorious gospel. A wife's submissive posture in her marriage as well as the church is a wonderful picture of the church's submission to Christ.

It's a picture to every Christian of the submission we are to have to the Lord. A husband's leadership in the home as well as male leadership in the church, again, is to be Christ-like in all its ways.

And when it's right, it's a wonderful picture of Christ and his leadership. Both of these roles are so important. We should all aim to be more and more successful at living them out in a way that pleases God and brings glory to his name.

If you have children, this is really important. One of the things Marie and I tried to do very early on is be transparent in front of our boys, at least what was appropriate. When it comes to our children, oftentimes more is caught than taught.

And so understand they see everything. Our children see every eye roll, every raised brow, they hear every quarrel. Marie and I tried to keep short accounts and we would gather our boys together and explain to them what they may have witnessed.

I can give you a simple example. Here is how it would be resolved after a private discussion between Marie and I, where I would ask the Lord to forgive me as well as Marie if I had committed a sin against Marie.

We would then gather the boys and I would just explain to them, one, how I had sinned against the Lord and their mother, two, how I had asked the Lord to forgive me as well as their mother, and three, that God in fact forgave me and your mom did as well.

And of course, sometimes she would add to the discussion in backing me up with these things. The point being, they would see the gospel played out right through full restoration. They would unfortunately see the sin, the effects of the sin, but that's not where it ended in my house.

In my house, by God's grace, we would first, me and Marie would go in private and we'd deal with each other and the Lord with the sin and then eventually we would call a family meeting and it would all be laid out very clearly to the boys what had happened, what took place, why.

It's simple. It's humbling, yes, it's simple, but it's effective because they see from the sin all the way through to full restoration, the gospel's explained. And we did that by God's grace. Again, we didn't do it perfectly, but we did it pretty consistently for a lot of the most important years.

It only, you gotta embrace it because it only makes sense. These children of ours are with two sinful people, parents, they're witnessing and seeing everything. They're not foolish. I mean, they are foolish, but they're not stupid.

They see what's going on, they hear what's going on, they sense the tones, they see the facial expressions, the whole thing is being played out in front of them. Let the rest of it be played out in front of them.

Let them see the glorious gospel played out.

In front of them.

It's the only hope they're gonna have. What are we, if we don't do that, what are we leaving them with? They just see this mess, they have no hope. Anyways, so again, it only makes sense. If they're witnessing the sins in a marriage, they should witness the gospel applied in a marriage.

It's only our pride that would not wanna be transparent. Thirdly, conformity to Christ. What is God's will for your life? Your sanctification. The Lord uses all things, but particularly marriages to conform us into the image of his son.

Marriages will not be without conflict. The reality is when you put two sinners together, even those that love the Lord, there will still be issues. We are still veiled in this flesh and there will be struggles.

Not only will there be issues and struggles, there'll be trials of all kinds that marriages will have to go through. And Marie and I faced all kinds of various trials. Having a blended family brought difficulties at time.

And we continue to face trials. Often at this age, they are health related, unfortunately. I can tell you by God's grace, for the most part, we continue to face trials together and unified, which is a tremendous blessing.

But understand my main point here is God will use conflict and trials of all kinds to conform us. He knows exactly what we need to cause change. He knows just how much conflict is needed to produce a holy bride.

Sometimes even Christians find themselves in a situation where they question where they are married to the right person. I can confidently say that in God's sovereignty they are. He knows what it will take for conformity to take place.

Remember this tonight when it comes to the purpose and design for marriage, focus on these three things. Companionship, Christ and his church, and conformity to Christ. Now let me try and bring this to a close.

We're close, and I'm just trying to figure out how much to share of Marie and I's story. So just bear with me for a moment. I think it's probably worth, it's, yeah, okay. I'm gonna try to do this in a very short way.

Many of you know us even more than this story will say, but, and again, we're an open book, so if you wanna catch us at other times, feel free to ask us. But in 1982, both Marie and I would enter junior high school in Barrie.

And Marie coming in from Hubbardston and me being native to Barrie, we had never known each other yet, although we lived pretty close. I'll never forget the first time I met her. Boy, I thought she was something special.

I just remember having feelings for her, right? Some people call it puppy love, whatever, right? I just was a messed up, insecure young kid. And I knew, boy, this young lady, she's made me feel something.

I can say we were friendly through high school, but nothing really ever came of Marie and I until years later in like 1996, in fact, when we would meet again through a whole series of interesting events that I can't get into now, but have no problem getting into at any other time.

I'll say this, when I re-met her, I was instantly flooded with the same feelings and the same type of feelings, except this time they were even stronger. I'll quickly say, this quite rapidly would move towards marriage.

I know my parents, everybody around us thought this was not great. And you know what, if I was counseling somebody and saw what was going on, I'm not sure I would have thought it was great either, but I knew I loved her.

And I was pretty convinced she loved me. And she was brand new Christian. I had been the one that shared the gospel with her. Turns out I wasn't a Christian, which is all kind of other layers of stories that are connected to that.

But point is, we would quickly, we were married by the spring of 97. And as I look back, it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. God had planted within us this seed of love for one another, but I wanna make it clear here this evening that we have put the work in to nourish and cultivate our marriage.