Are the Five Love Languages Biblical?

or if you don't recognize that God loves you and because God loves you, you need to love yourself, you're never going to be able to love other people.

And all of these things are just teaching people to be selfish at the end of the day, teaching people to be the exact opposite of this passage in 1

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Tim, the question for today's episode is, are the five love languages biblical? Tim, they're pretty dumb.

Tim, they're pretty dumb. Yeah, it's funny because I always thought they were very strange in general.

Even before I was a Christian, I knew people who were really caught up in the five love languages almost to, you know, almost to the same level as like the astrology stuff.

Like, hey, what, you know, people would be like, what sign are you? And I don't even know all the,

I don't know if I know any of the signs. I guess there's like Cancer or maybe Libra or something.

But anyway, you know, I always thought that the five love languages were pretty similar to that just in terms of like how much stock people put into this stuff.

And I thought it was always very strange. Like, people would tell me, you know, hey, my love language is this, you know, like it is this, you know, and I would always just hear that and just kind of,

I wouldn't know how to respond. It's just like, okay, you know, I don't know what to do with that, you know?

Like, good for you, I guess. You know, I always looked at it kind of like, hey, why are you just, you know, why are you just picking one of these gifts, you know?

I mean, all these sound pretty good, you know? I don't, I feel like you're kind of limiting yourself by just picking one that you prefer, you know?

But, you know, speaking of the five love languages, why don't you tell us what are the actual individual languages and where does this stuff come from?

How did it, and how did it become so popular? Jared Yeah, I mean, it was a 1992 book that Gary Chapman wrote called

The Five Love Languages. And essentially, I mean, you have these five love languages which are called, you know, words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, act of service, and physical touch.

So, you have these five, you know, quote -unquote love languages. And this thing is, I mean, it's been out for a while now.

I mean, this is, I guess it's going on 30 years at this point. But then, mercifully, it's one of those things that, it's one of those trends that has started to die off at this point, but then it does have this cult -like allegiance to it that you've noticed.

I mean, basically, it's the kind of thing like the Enneagram or whatever to where people, Christians just got really attached to it and started to define themselves that way.

And I mean, for many years, I mean, it was just this thing that defined a person's fundamental sense of identity.

So, it really did share a lot of similarities with the Zodiac kind of stuff in terms of this is like, this is kind of like a personality profile that they define themselves as some sort of fixed, immovable character, characteristic of who they are that was just essential to their being kind of thing.

But - No, what I'm not saying is it's strange to feel like someone is expressing their love for you when they give you a gift, right?

Like, that's not a strange idea. I think the strange idea in my mind is just like this, my love language is

I can only receive love or I can, the primary way in which

I receive love is defined by me and my preferences and it's like,

I don't know, it just always really put me off, I guess. Jared Well, it should. I mean, it should and immersively, it's one of those things that's going out of style at this point to where people aren't asking, like, this isn't a pressing question that a lot of people are asking.

I mean, someone asked this question, we're given an answer to it, but it's not on the radar as a pressing thing anymore.

But then just before we get into all the details of it, it does remind me of a situation when

I was in Bible college and when I was in Bible college, I worked as a janitor at a church.

I mean, a janitor job is a great job to do when you're working at seminary because it's one of those things where you can listen to your lectures all day long while you're working in your ears and so you're kind of walking around doing a mindless job and you have the ability to learn on the job.

Now, I mean, it is being a janitor. So there's that, but I was a janitor with my brother at that point at this church and it was one of those interesting things because at this church, there was always the next big idea.

So the pastor would have the next big idea and then all the signs up at the church would be representative of this new thing that was this you know, this next idea that the church that was going to -

Petey The shiny new toy basically, right? Jared Yeah, it was going to revolutionize the church and you know, there's signs up everywhere and you know, logos up everywhere and it's just that kind of thing to where this kind of took on this idea, whatever it was at the time, it took on, like it started to become the identity of the church for a brief period of time.

But then if you were at that church for any length of time, one of the things you realize is that there was a lot of ideas like that, right?

They would come and go and then this would be the next big thing and you know, the next big thing. And you know, this was one of those things where in church -wide study that everyone was just a big deal or whatever while I was doing this.

But then at some point that pastor moved on, okay? And we were cleaning out his office.

And I remember like we had like bookshelves and bookshelves of all these bad ideas, right?

And we were taking these ideas and we were tossing them into the trash. And I thought that it was just, I mean, it was such a great picture of what the

Bible says. You know, the Bible says the grass withers, the flower fades, but the Word of God stands forever, right?

But then again, you wouldn't be tossing Bibles into the trash like that, but you're tossing all of these ideas in the trash.

And this is one of those like ideas that just caught on for a while and developed this

Christian cult following, really strong cult following. It's so much so that if you were to question it,

I mean, you were almost like questioning their fundamental identity as a person.

And I mean, I've gotten people so mad at me for not being overly impressed with this stupid book, you know, in that way.

So, but I mean, it just goes to show that you have a Bible, man. You don't have to have all these clever ideas that you come up with.

And I think it's, fortunately this one is starting to go the way of the dodo bird in that way.

And, you know, we're on to new ideas like the Enneagram or Chosen or whatever else, like that are just the big thing or whatever, but they'll go to, you know, they'll be going to, they'll be tossed into the trashcan soon enough too.

So, was the book written by a Christian or was it a secular person?

Jared I mean, he's a Christian, you know, psychologist kind of guy, you know? So, you have these five love languages and part of the problem is that you can't really integrate psychology in the

Bible. And so, this is basically based on, you know, the idea of five love languages, you basically take all the assumptions of secular psychology and then you key in on some kind of quasi -useful insight and you get carried away with it.

And so, what it is, is it's mostly just kind of pop psychology with very little Bible mixed in to it, you know, as far as those things are concerned.

But then, I mean, the idea, I mean, you know, if you give the devil his due or whatever, like the idea is that people, like the big idea is that people like to be loved in different ways.

So, you have these five, you know, quote unquote, love languages, which are not meant to be comprehensive expressions of how people like to be loved, but just kind of the big five categories.

But then, if you were to think in terms of the big five ways people like to be loved, words of affirmation.

So, some people, they really thrive on encouragement. I'm not necessarily one of those people. I don't actually care too much if I can't get a lot of encouragement.

I mean, it's nice, but then I can do without it. I'm okay. I don't crave it.

I don't need it. I'll be okay without it. But then, you know, in a corresponding way, I'm probably not the most encouraging person in the world either, you know?

So, like I could take it or leave it and then I don't really liberally give it because it's just kind of like, yeah, you know, whatever, who needs that, you know?

So, you have words of affirmation. You have quality time. So, some people really like just quality time with each other.

Other people are more loners kind of thing. So, there's words of affirmation.

Pete Don't get us into the introvert, extrovert debate again. Jared Well, that's part of that. Yeah. So, the introvert kind of people, they don't really need the quality time so much.

They need quality time with themselves, you know? So, their love language to themselves is to give themselves quality time.

No, but then there's the receiving gifts. And there's a receiving gift.

So, for some people receiving gifts is really meaningful a lot more than others. You know,

I'm also kind of like a take it or leave it person with, you know, receiving gifts. I appreciate a thoughtful gift, but then it's, you know, it is what it is, you know?

So, I don't get bent out shape if everyone doesn't throw me a big party and buy me a bunch of presents that are, you know, exactly what

I imagined they would be in my dreams or something like that. But, you know, so, you have receiving gifts, you have acts of service.

So, you know, some people feel loved when other people like serve them and do things for them that are thoughtful.

And then the last one is physical touch. So, you have those five kind of categories, words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch.

And those are predominantly meant to be like ways in which people like to be loved. But then what typically happens is that people, they often give, they give these things to others.

So, they give what they want. So, if you have a person who loves physical touch, they want to get physical touch, they may be like very touchy with another person.

And so, that if you have another person who's kind of like a, I don't really want to be touched, leave me alone kind of person, they may think it's that you're violating their space all the time or something like that.

So, a lot of Hispanic people are much more touch oriented than gringos are at that point too.

And you can see that with the, you know, distance, like space distance, you know, how close they stand and everything else. But, I mean, you think about these things.

So, what they meant, what you do is you're meant to like categorize people in terms of, I like to be loved in this way, you like to be loved in this way.

And then, you know, the corresponding thing is you often give what you want. And then if you have two people that are, like the big idea is like, well, let's say that you have the person who loves physical touch who is constantly given, you know, the other person physical touch, but then their love language was, you know, gifts or whatever, receiving gifts.

And so, the physical touch person is expressing love by giving them physical touch and they don't really want to be touched.

They just want a thoughtful gift, right? And so, then in that kind of situation, they may feel like you hate them because you're never giving them the thoughtful gifts that they want when that's just not, you know, quote unquote, how you communicate love, so to speak, right?

So, then what you might have is you might have two people who are trying to love people in the wrong way because they don't understand their love language.

And so, then the key to everything is to figure out these love languages. But, you know, as far as that concern,

I mean, it's a fine idea. It's a fine observation. There's obviously some truth to that. I don't know that the categories are, you know, you meant to be sanctifying the categories or anything like that.

But then part of the issue here is that there's a lot more to the love language idea than all that, okay?

So, the love language idea is essentially that everyone has like this love cup that needs to be full.

And this is why it's really, this is where it really goes off the rails, okay? So, the other observation's fine.

It's neutral, whatever. I mean, it's a fine observation. There's some truth to it, just don't get too carried away with it.

But then where it really starts going off the rails is like the idea that everyone has this love cup that needs to be full.

And then the fundamental premise of the book is that if your love cup isn't full, you're fundamentally not able to love other people well, right?

So, the idea is that like in order to get your love cup full, man, you have to get your love cup full.

And in order to get your love cup full, you have to figure out what your love language is. And this is why everyone is, like they were constantly just telling everyone, here's what my love language is, is because like in order for them to be a well -adjusted person, they have to know what their love language is and get other people to give it to them so they can have their love cup full.

And then if you get your love cup full, then you're going to want to give to other people what they need.

You get what I'm saying? So, it's like you have to get your love cup full. When you feel loved and it's full and it's overflowing, what the overflowing part is, is you giving to other people out of the overflow and then not you giving out of a deficit or something like that.

So, the idea is if you're like, hey man, if you're a physical touch person and your wife never touches you, never gives you any physical touch, then you're not going to be motivated to give her any gifts, right?

Because your love cup is not full, right? So, you need to get your love cup full in order for you to feel good and be motivated to give her what she wants.

And so, the big problem there is, I mean, obviously it's just this giving to get kind of scheme.

It all resolves to, I scratch your back if you scratch mine. I'm fundamentally incapable of being a sacrificial other centered person unless you give me what

I need. And I mean, you just think about the example of Christ at that point. We didn't do anything for him.

Christ was an example of God becoming man and he's the

God of aseity. He needs nothing from us. He gets nothing from us. We add nothing to him. He came and his love towards us was completely and totally one -sided.

And you can just imagine him sitting there, sitting around thinking, you know, Peter, you're not loving me like I, you're not giving me my love language.

Petey My love cup's just not full. Jared It's not full. Lord, you know, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me because -

Petey Because no one will fill it up. Jared No one will fill it up, right? Petey Well, don't, hey, come on now.

You know, I think Jesus, you know, his love language must have been words of affirmation because you remember, you know, when he gets baptized, the

Father says, this is my beloved Son with whom I'm well -pleased, you know? So, obviously, it was words of affirmation.

Otherwise, why would God have said that? Jared It was, yeah, the Trinitarian endeavor where God was, you know, filling the

Son's love cup so that the Son - Petey It definitely wasn't a sign to prove that he was the

Messiah. It was to fill his love cup, man. Come on. This is like Theology 101.

Jared How could I have not known, you know? Petey Yeah, I think it really does strike me as a very, essentially, like, it strikes me as the system that is supposed to sound like it is selfless, but it's actually just, you know, subversively teaching you to be selfish, you know?

Jared Yeah, it's a whole, yep. Because you're constantly thinking about me, me, me.

This is the way in which I receive love, you know? Forget all those other ways that you can love someone.

This is the one that I prefer, and I want you to do this for me, and if you don't do this for me, then

I'm not going to be able to love you. And I think it just, I mean, so, if you read 1

Corinthians 13, verses 4 through 8, you know, love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous, love does not brag, and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly, it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, love never fails.

And, you know, so you hear this description of what love is, and it just, it sounds pretty different from the five love languages.

You know, like, love does not seek its own. I mean, like, that seems to fly right in the face of the five love language system, or, you know, whatever you want to call it, does not take into account a wrong suffered, bears all things, you know, believes, hopes all things, endures all things.

None of that really sounds like it, you know, I don't necessarily, I don't necessarily think that people who -

Jared You're forgetting, Harrison, you're forgetting. Travis Oh, what am I forgetting? Jared You know, the first, the greatest commands, right?

So, you love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul, mind and strength, you love your neighbor as you love yourself. So, you can't love your neighbor unless you first love yourself.

Travis You know, yeah, I know you remember this, but I was taught that, you know, that's what I was taught in my

Bible psychology class. It was more psychology than Bible, you know, if you ask me, but essentially, yeah, it's like this idea that, hey, you've got to, you know, to overcome any problem that you have, you need to love yourself first because if you don't love yourself or if you don't recognize that God loves you and because God loves you, you need to love yourself, you're never going to be able to love other people.

And all of these things are just teaching people to be selfish at the end of the day, teaching people to be the exact opposite of this passage in 1

Corinthians, you know, where it's like, hey, that passage isn't an indirect, you know, excuse to love yourself first and then everyone around you.

It's the opposite. You love everyone else around you, not yourself, you know?

And so, I guess that's always been my hangup with it at the end of the day is you're just focusing on what you want and imagine how arrogant it is, you know, for someone to do something to express their love for you and then you say, that's great and all, but that's not how

I receive love. I mean, that's not an uncommon scenario. I mean, that's essentially -

Petey No, I know it's not. I know it's not. I've experienced that before with people where they essentially just, you know, like blow you off because, you know, they receive love through gifts and you decided to, you know, show your love for them by, you know, having quality time with them or, you know, whatever it is.

And it's like, well, that time didn't count because it wasn't a gift. So, I don't know what to tell you.

You know, I feel like you never show me that you care about me. I feel like you never show me that you love me, you know?

And it's like, what are you talking about? I try all the time, you know? And I mean,

I've experienced that personally, you know? And so, I have no doubt that many people experience that on a regular basis.

Jared Yeah, that was, you know, just a pretty common thing that has happened in plenty of biblical counseling sessions that I had to where, you know, the husband and wife are doing that very thing to where they're both looking at the other person and saying, hey, the way that you're trying to love me is not good enough and that's not what

I appreciate. So, I mean, when you think about these kind of things, I mean, this is obviously, this is what you were taught in Bible college.

That's what you were taught. But this is basically just self -esteem, like the self -esteem movement applied to specific examples.

So, like, the whole idea is that in order for a person to be a psychologically well -adjusted person, they need to, you know, basically be praised and be appreciated and shown love in the ways that they value.

So, this is just a unique spin on that. And mercifully, the self -esteem movement has, you know, basically gone the way of the dodo bird too.

So, there's that. But I mean, certainly, I mean, as you read through the Bible, there's so many Bible verses that contradict this kind of thinking.

I mean, I brought up the example of Christ, you brought up 1 Corinthians, but Philippians 2 is another great passage to think about, which says, do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourself, right?

Let each of you look not only to his own interest, but also to the interest of others. That's a far cry from the

I need you to love me the way I need to be loved. Let's look not only to your own interest, but also the interest of others.

When we think about loving, which kind of thing, I mean, this is like the whole idea is that your personality is fixed, it's unmovable, and you need to be loved in a certain way in order to be psychologically, you know, well -adjusted and whole.

I mean, that's entirely opposite of what the Bible says. The Bible says get your focus off yourself, and everything give thanks for this will of God in Christ, right?

So, you need to be thankful for other people and get your eyes off yourself and learn not to look to your own interest, but to the interest of others.

Meaning, like, hey, if you don't appreciate quality time like you should, you probably should learn to appreciate quality time, particularly for the sake of others, because just like the

Lord said, it's more blessed to give than to receive. But then, you know, as you keep on going in Philippians, have this mind among yourself, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not account the quality of God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself by taking on the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men, and being found in human form.

He humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on the cross. Therefore, God has highly exalted him and bestowed upon him a name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow in heaven, on earth, and under earth, and every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is

Lord to the glory of God the Father. So, I mean, you think about those kind of things, we're to model our lives after the example of Christ, and Jesus, he wasn't running around saying, hey, you know, you're not loving me the way

I deserve to be loved, and if you don't love me right, you know, I'm not going to be able to go to the cross for you, you know.

So, you want me to go to the cross just to forgive your sins, don't you? Well, I don't know if I can do that unless you, you know, get better.

My love cup's just not filled up. It's not, man. Yeah, so, I mean, it's fundamentally, it's just an absurd idea.

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