Adult Sunday School - Communication And Conflict Resolution - Part 2

Silicon Valley Reformed Baptist Church

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Alright, well we're going to continue where we left off in Ephesians and what

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I'd like to do today is we're going to talk about four different rules of communication from Ephesians and then we're going to talk about four different, four extra rules about communication in general.

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This is in no means intended to be exhaustive, in other words

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I'm not intending to say everything that there is to say about communication and conflict resolution.

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In fact, I mean with a lot of the things that we'll talk about today I have lessons that I prepared on each one of these points and so I'm just going to try to give you a little bit of a survey of things that are helpful for this topic in general that certainly deserve further study, commentary, and elaboration.

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But let's start with reading Ephesians 4, 25 -32 and then we'll talk about what many biblical counselors describe as four different rules of communication that come from this passage.

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So Ephesians 4, 25. Therefore having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.

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Be angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil.

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Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor doing honest work with his own hands so that he may have something to share with anyone in need.

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Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as good for building up as it fits the occasion that it may give grace to those who hear.

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And do not grieve the Holy Spirit by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice.

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Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.

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So if you think about what's happening in the book of Ephesians in general, one of the things to realize is that like many of Paul's letters, most of these books are divided up in a fairly neat way.

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So if you think about what's happening in the book of Ephesians, you can just turn over a little bit to the beginning of the book and what you'll note is that Ephesians 1 .3

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says this, it says, blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places.

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And then what you'll find as you go through the book of Ephesians is a list of all those blessings that happen, which seems to extend all the way to the end of chapter three, okay?

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So this is a book that starts out with thanksgiving to God for what God has done to us in Christ.

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And that thanksgiving is built upon, it's founded upon the person and work of Christ as it relates to his ministry to us on earth and everything else.

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But what you'll find is as you read through the rest of Ephesians, you can just kind of read through a list of all the reasons we have for being thankful on the basis of all the blessings that we've received in Jesus Christ.

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So verse four, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, you know, verse five, in love he predestined us for adoption as sons.

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Verse seven, in him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins. And you know, it just goes on and on and on.

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And that will last until the end of chapter three. So you think about this broader structure of Ephesians, you have the first three chapters are basically all the blessings that Christians have received in their union with Christ.

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And then after that, when you get to this verse, chapter four, verse one, you have a very pregnant therefore, like meaning like whenever you say therefore, you're supposed to ask what, what is it therefore, but this therefore, like this therefore is a very significant therefore.

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So on the basis of all of those blessings we received in Christ, here's how you are to walk. Okay. So you have the doctrinal section as the first three chapters and the last three chapters is essentially the practical section.

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And this is often the way that Paul structures his letters in general. He starts with the indicatives and then he transitions into the imperatives.

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So I, therefore a prisoner of the Lord urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called.

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So the rest of the book is going to describe what it looks like to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which we've been called.

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And then when you get to Ephesians four, 25 to 32, what we're going to be looking at for part of our time here today, what you see is right here we're firmly in this section, which is describing what it means to walk worthy of the calling with which we've been called.

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And you have a very important dynamic as it relates to sanctification that's happening in this passage, which is the put off, put on dynamic.

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So if you'll notice within this section, you're going to see a series of contrast.

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Okay. So I hope you picked up on that as we read the section itself, there's a series of contracts. So therefore having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth to his neighbor, right?

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So put off falsehood, put on truth speaking, you know, be angry and don't sin.

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Don't let sin go down on your wrath. Let the thief no longer steal, but let him work and be generous.

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So there's a series of put offs and put ons. And, you know, as biblical counselors often will talk about this passage, we'll talk about it as it relates to four different rules of communication that we're going to find here.

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And these are just important things that we should be thinking about as it relates to our interactions with each other.

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And it has, you know, particular unique relevance to the subject of communication and conflict resolutions, because if we were to follow these things, a lot of our problems would be at least significantly mitigated, right?

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They may not be completely done away with, but they would be significantly mitigated. But, you know, as you think about Ephesians 4 .25,

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the first rule of communication is something that's kind of a fairly obvious kind of rule if you think about it, but then it's something that we so often fail to live up to in a wide variety of ways.

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But if you were to think about the foundation for Christian communication, you should be thinking about the

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Christian's basic responsibility and orientation towards being truth tellers, okay?

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So you read Ephesians 4 .25, it says, therefore having put away falsehood, so the put off portion of that, stop lying, right?

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Put away falsehood. Let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.

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Now you think about this, that God is a God of truth, and we're typically, we're typically tempted to think about lies as if they're no big deal.

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But then if you think about the nature of how lying works, have you ever noticed it's almost impossible to tell just one lie?

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You understand what I'm saying? Like, I'm not encouraging you to try to experiment on seeing if you can figure out how to do this.

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But I mean, like often, like if you, like when you tell one lie, what happens? Like, what's that?

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You have to tell another, right? And then you have to tell another, like so you tell one lie, and then people ask you more follow -up questions about that lie, and then you're gonna have to on the spot come up with like more lies that you're going to tell in order to like explain the first lie.

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And then pretty soon you get lost in all of your story that you're making up completely on the spot at that point, not even knowing like where you're going with this story.

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And pretty soon someone's gonna catch you in that, because they're gonna realize inconsistencies between what you're saying, because none of it's like based on the truth, like you're just making it up on the spot.

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But you know, as you think about like this principle of like speaking the truth, it is very difficult to just lie once.

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The Bible talks about like sin is enslaving, and lawlessness leads to more lawlessness.

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And so the more that you develop a habit of lying, the more that you learn to excel at it.

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One of the things that John MacArthur, you know, always says related to this topic is that, as it relates to parenting in general, is that one of the worst things that your kids can learn to do is that learn to lie well.

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Because if they can learn to lie, they can learn to like basically hide any sin.

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Like there's no sin they won't commit if they learn how to lie. Because then they realize that like if I can get away with it, and I can learn how to cover for it, they give themselves over to, you know, greater sins, and greater sins, and greater sins.

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It really is like truth is like the foundation for the life that we're supposed to be living. And when you build that, you build your life on the foundation of lies, like the issue is that there's no telling where you're going to go.

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So one of the things he always talks about is how as a parent you should treat lying in your children in a very serious way, like way more serious than most things.

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Because you don't want your children, in particular, to learn how to excel at lying.

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There's no telling what they'll do at that point. But yeah, as I said,

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God's the God of truth. Satan is the father of lies. And there's many ways in which we can use even the truth to deceive people, right?

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So what we have here is we have a command to speak the truth. We don't necessarily have a command to say every true thing that comes into your brain, right?

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Like meaning, so you think about, therefore put away falsehood, let each one of you speak truth to your neighbor. Like you don't, you know, you don't have to say, hey, you know, honey,

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I don't like, you know, that dress makes you look terrible. You don't have to volunteer, like, every true thing that pops into your brain, along those lines.

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But we do have a general responsibility to be truth tellers. And as I said, like, you know, you don't have to say everything.

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But there's always, there are certainly like different, there's different ways in which we can use the truth in order to deceive, right?

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So just because you say something that's technically true, that doesn't mean that that's the whole truth. And that doesn't mean that that's the most relevant thing that you're going to say.

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And that doesn't mean that you're off the hook. I mean, you know, if your wife were to ask you why you took so long, and you said you were getting gas, but what you were really actually doing was meeting a woman you were having an affair with at the gas station, would that be true?

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Well, it certainly would be true, but it certainly wouldn't be the whole truth. And it wouldn't be certainly be the most relevant thing that you should be saying at that point.

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In that way, you can use like the truth as a cloak for a vice. But in so much of our communication problems that we have with each other, a lot of our, like a lot of our communication problems are centered around this notion of our responsibility to speak the truth and speak what is real and not just be filling our words with lies.

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So first rule there, put away falsehood. Let each one of you speak the truth as neighbor for we are members one another.

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Second rule, keep current. Be angry and do not sin.

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Do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity for the devil.

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I mean, there's a lot you can say about the nature of like righteous anger and unrighteous anger. And is this a passage that, like what's the best way to translate this verb, be angry in this passage?

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And I'm really not going to describe, go into all that today. I mean, if you have questions about that,

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I'll do my best. But there is certainly a principle here that everyone should be able to agree upon, and that's the principle of keeping current.

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And you know, so much of the problems that people have in relationships, they often, they do center around violations at this principle.

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One of the things I wanted to do when we started out our marriage, Elizabeth and I, is take this principle very seriously because I, you know,

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I understand like what happens when you shelve problems, okay?

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So you know, I've been around relationships where the communication that is happening in those relationships is just kind of a running list of unresolved problems.

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Like that's what you hear. You hear the record. Like every time anything comes up, even tangentially related to anything, what you're going to hear is the running list of unresolved conflicts that are happening.

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And part of the problem is that you just, I mean, imagine like, this is called shelving, right?

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Shelving problems. But I mean, imagine like you have dirty dishes that you're putting on a shelf in your kitchen and that you're not going to clean, right?

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Just imagine you pile up those dirty dishes on the shelf over and over and over again. Well, pretty soon, like the whole place is going to stink, right?

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Like that's the way it works. But then like that's what happens in many relationships where like what we're doing is we're taking these problems and instead of actually dealing with them, we're putting them on the shelf and they're right there.

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They're visible, but we're not actually, you know, fixing anything. And what ends up happening is the whole atmosphere of a home begins to stink and smell because you're not dealing with the things that God wants you to deal with.

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But notice what it says. It says, be angry, do not sin, do not let the sun go down in your anger. A practice that we have developed over the course of our marriage is just a simple commitment that we've made.

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And we haven't been perfect on this, but for the most part, we've been faithful by God's grace and following this that we don't want to go to bed with unresolved conflict.

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So we don't want to just go to bed bitter. We don't want to go to bed angry. And you know what?

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The times that we've like violated that principle, I can look at our life and I can look at our marriage at the times that we haven't like been faithful to just dealing with today's problems today.

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Like these problems, they don't just go away. If you don't deal with them today, then what's going to happen is you're going to spend the whole rest of your day tomorrow feeling like you're unreconciled, feeling distant between, distance between both of you because you have a problem that you are, you have, you have a dirty dish you're putting on that shelf and you're just kind of look at it and everyone knows it's there and no amount of pretending is going to pretend it away.

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But notice what it says, it says, be angry, don't sin, do not let sin go down in your anger because when you do, what are you doing?

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It says you're giving the devil an opportunity, right? So if you don't deal with, if you don't deal with those issues, you don't deal with those problems, what's going to happen is you're giving the devil an opportunity to sow division within your home, to create distrust between both of you.

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I mean this is true of, you know, husband's wife, it's true of parent -child, this, this is true of every kind of relation, work relationships, these principles, church relationships.

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You know, I've seen this situation play out over and over and over again in the life of the church body where two individuals have conflict and they, they're not really willing to deal with it and then instead of just getting together, having a conversation, pursuing biblical means of reconciliation, you have awkwardness, right?

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I know plenty of people who refuse to go to church because it would be so awkward to go to church because if they go to church, they're going to encounter that person they have an issue with that they refuse to deal with.

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And so instead of going to church, they, you know, miraculously, they, it's amazing how this works, but then they feel called to go to a different church, right?

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They feel like the Lord is leading them on to greener pastures and a lot of that just reduces to the fact that they have an issue they need to deal with and they're too much of a coward to deal with that issue.

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And so instead of dealing with it as God has commanded, they, you know, they feel the

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Lord's leading them elsewhere. But um, you know what, like,

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I mean, you think about this response, right? Be angry, do not sin, do not let the sin go down in your anger.

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A lot of people, they're shocked at the sin of other Christians against them, but if you can learn how to deal with sin in a biblical way, like then you have a, like a

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God -honoring relationship at that point. And like the issue is not, like most people conceive of like the way to have a good

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God -honoring relationship is to not sin against each other, but that's not really the way that we have a good, like a

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God -honoring relationship with Christ is by, by never sinning again.

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Like what we learn is we learn to deal with our sin by confessing our sin to God, um, bringing those offenses before Him and accepting

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His forgiveness. And the same thing happens as it relates to, you know, relationships with each other is that, yeah, it'd be wonderful if we could all never sin against each other ever again, but if that's your standard of what it means to have a good relationship is to be in a relationship where you never sin against each other, you're never going to be in a good relationship.

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The way to be in a good relationship is to learn how to deal with your sin, and not only learn how to deal with it, but deal with it quickly, right?

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Um, now, I mean, certainly if you and your spouse get in a fight at 11 o 'clock at night, you may not be able to resolve all of that, right?

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I mean, you may not be able to resolve everything. It may be, like, impractical or unreasonable to spend the next, like, two hours untangling that mess until it's one o 'clock in the morning and you have things to do early in the morning, but certainly you can say, hey, um, look,

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I don't know what's going on right now, but I love you, and I care about you, and I don't want to go to bed mad at you, so I'm going to pray about my part.

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Why don't we pray to God together about our parts in this, um, and why don't we talk about it tomorrow and talk about, like, more specific ways that we can ask forgiveness, but I don't want to go to bed with bitterness and anger in my heart, and I have that right now towards you, and I can just say that, hey,

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I know that's probably wrong, so will you forgive me for that, and give each other a hug and go to bed and determine to talk about it later.

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Um, you know, so most people generally don't have to have everything, feel the need to resolve everything right then, but, like, certainly there's a difference between doing that kind of thing and just going to bed angry and sleeping on the couch, right?

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Those are two very different kind of experiences, so I don't think this is a command, in other words, to sort out all the mess as long as it takes, with or without sleep and everything else, but certainly that you can have a forgiving posture that you extend towards each other and you commit to the process of pursuing reconciliation later, for sure.

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So, four rules. One, speak the truth. Two, keep current. Three, edify. So notice what it says, let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, in verse 29, but only such as good for building up as it fits the occasion that it may give grace to those who hear and do not grieve the

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Holy Spirit by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. The idea of edification in the

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Bible is the idea of using your words to build each other up. Now, that isn't just a prescription to have only nice, pleasant things come out of your mouth that the other person is going to enjoy hearing, you know, so part of edifying is that you're going to have to say things that sometimes people don't want to hear.

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You're going to have to say things that are true, that need to be said, but at the same time, like, the goal of our communication shouldn't just be to tear down other people for the sake of tearing them down, right?

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Like, that shouldn't be the goal, is just to basically look at another person and say, like, you're worthless, you're just so stupid, you know?

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I mean, that kind of stuff, like, has no purpose in the, like, there's no edifying purpose with things, like, speaking in that way.

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There's language that we can use in such a way to just tear people down, destroy them. You always do this, like, this is who you are, you know?

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There's any number, as I said, of ways that we can use our words just to tear down, but, I mean, there might be plenty of times where you use your words in such a way to say something that they need to hear, which is hard, but you're saying it because you love them and you're trying to build them up, you're trying to help be an instrument in their life that's going to identify areas of, you know, unfaithfulness and speak them, speak those to them with the goal of trying to build them up.

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So, so often when we're talking to each other, what we're doing is we're thinking about our communication towards them through the lens of, like, what we want to have happen, right?

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So, like, some, like, if your spouse sins against you, your family member sins against you, whatever it is,

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I mean, so much of our communication really isn't designed to help build them up, it's just to express how upset we are, right?

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So, I'm just so tired of being treated this way, and I just don't, I don't deserve to be treated like this, and you don't love me, and you don't care about me, and I don't,

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I don't deserve this, and you're so mean to me, and, you know, those things, all those things, maybe there's some truth to all them, like, in terms of the first category of things, speak the truth, but, like, the issue is, like, none of that's designed to build them up, it's just to vent, right?

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Like, when you think about the nature of what you're trying to do in communication with other people, it should be to build them up, meaning, what that means is, like, your goal in communication should be that I want you to be more like Christ, that's what

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I'm, that's what I want. I'm not trying to, like, have a problem -free life, I'm not trying to be treated like I always dreamed, you know, since I was a little, since I was a little kid of, have, you know, my desire in whatever this relationship is shouldn't just be to fulfill some fantasy of what

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I thought a relationship should be at some point, because, like, I need to be talked to in a particular way in order to feel okay about myself.

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So, for most people, they go into communication, they go into conflict resolution primarily thinking about themself and their own agenda and what they want, right?

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So, most of what we're doing in these moments is trying to tell other people all the ways in which they violated our personal preferences, we're trying to tell them all the ways in which they failed to live up to our standards and, you know, failed to, like, help you to be emotionally okay and everything else, but then, like, the goal is to edify.

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So, what that means is, like, you should be desiring for them that they are more holy after this encounter, right?

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And that means they're more devoted to God, that's what you should want, you should want, you should want as a result of this encounter for them to be more committed, more sanctified, more devoted to the

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Lord, and that should come out in your language, right? You should be using your language in such a way to communicate that your chief desire is not just to have, like, some person who is some fantasy person that you've developed in your mind, your chief desire should be that they, you want for them that they honor the

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Lord more faithfully and what your words are communicating is that desire. So, you're wording your communication to them in such a way that is clear to everyone around you that you care more about serving the

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Lord than anything else. You want to serve the Lord more than you want to die and you want that for them, too, and if you could, like, understand that, it would fundamentally change the way that you would talk, right?

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When you talk to me that way, it makes me concerned about your relationship with God because it says something about you right now, right?

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Like, the way you're communicating, the way you're acting is deeply distressing.

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It's concerning. Like, that's very different than you hurt me and I don't deserve this and how dare you, you hurt my feelings and all that.

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It's like, no, I love you. I want you to honor the Lord and this is not loving and honoring the

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Lord, right? This, like, God sees what is happening right here. God sees what's happening.

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He's watching what's happening and He sees this and you have a problem with Him that you need to deal with that is showing up in the way that you're talking to me, right?

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Now, if you talk that way, no one's going to accuse you of just being a self -centered person who's trying to get your way, but, like, that's the idea.

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Like, our words shouldn't be corrupting, but only such as good for building up, like, as fits the occasion that may give grace to those who hear and don't agree with the

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Holy Spirit by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. So, the idea is just to say, first rule, speak the truth.

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Second rule, keep current. Third rule, edify, like, our goal of our communication should be building up.

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And then, fourth rule, speak kindly. So, notice what it says, let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander be put away from you along with all malice.

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Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.

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So, the idea here is just to say that, like, anger can take many forms, like, anger can take many different forms.

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There's, like, quiet anger, and then there's loud anger. And this list here describes the whole spectrum of anger that you can imagine.

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So, like, what is bitterness? Bitterness is quiet anger, right? It's cold anger, it's not really hot anger, like, when you're bitter at someone, you're often trying to punish them by failing to do the things that you're called to do, right?

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So, like, you know a bitter person. If you've been in a relationship with any length of time, you try to give someone a hug, and what you get is, like, a dead board.

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Like, you understand what I'm talking about, like, you hug a person, there's nothing there. It's just stiff, it's rigid, like, that's a sign that there's bitterness there, isn't there?

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Like, there's something, like, that's, whatever that is that's not kind to one another, tender -hearted, forgiving one another, and God as Christ has forgiven you, there's some, like, obstacle in the way that's keeping all that, and that, that's typically what you're going to describe as bitterness.

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Wrath is, like, about the hottest, like, if you think about anger on a spectrum from cold to hot, and bitterness is often on the cold end of things, and then wrath is on the hot end of things.

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I mean, wrath is, like, the yelling, and the screaming, and the throwing things, and all that kind of stuff, the temper tantrums, all that.

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So, wrath is, like, on the hot end of things. Anger is just, like, right, like, your neutral word for all of it, right?

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Bitterness, wrath, anger. Clamor, this is a funny word in Greek, but clamor is basically, like, it's a word you might understand as, like, the banging together of pots or something along those lines.

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Like, meaning, like, it's noisy, it's loud, it's disruptive, it's, like, no one wants to be around that, and that's what clamor is.

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Like, most of, like, when you think about a fight, like, a fight when people are arguing, you most naturally think about, like, clamor, right?

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Just loud, noisy, serves no useful purpose. We just talked about the rule of edifying, like, whatever's happening in, when, like, clamor is happening, there's nothing good that's happening there.

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No one's being edified, no one's being built up, people are just getting it off their chest, right? So, so, notice, like, bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander, like, like, slander is, like, is where we use our words with the intent of trying to destroy other people, right?

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So, you're trying to use your words to tear them down by not speaking what's true about them, but speaking lies about them in order to tear them down, to destroy them.

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What the text is saying, like, get rid of all that, right? Let all be put away, put away with you along with all malice, and what are you to do, like, in place of that?

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So, like, there's, like, there's an important principle of put off, put on here that I can elaborate on that is very important that you understand, but, like, a lot of us, like, we, and this is encouraged by just all the anger management stuff and all that kind of, and everything else, but,

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I mean, when you, when you think about the way that we think about fighting sin, most of the time, we're thinking about fighting sin in such a way where we're just fixated on the put -offs, so you can think about a list of sins that you might describe, like, hey,

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I need to stop looking at porn or something like that, so, and then what you're trying to do in your mind is trying to figure out how to stop doing that, right?

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I need to stop being, like, I need to stop when I go to the store stealing things, so imagine, just take an example like that, because that's an example that's in the passage here, in, let's see, verse 27, or 28, let the thief no longer steal, but let him labor with his hands, doing honest work with his own hands, he may have something to share with someone in need, like, imagine someone who identifies himself as suffering from kleptomania or something like that, right, so they go to the store and they feel this overwhelming impulse to take things that don't belong to them, like, the way that, like, the world teaches us to train about things, that trains us to think about these things, the way we talk about these things in the church is that, all right,

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I need to figure out how to stop stealing stuff, and so we fixate on, like, the put -off, meaning

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I need to stop stealing stuff, I need to quit taking things that don't belong to me, but notice what's actually happening here, it says, right, let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share to someone in need, notice, like, the idea is not just to focus on trying to stop stealing, the point is you're supposed to get a job and work and start being generous, because why?

31:00

Because a generous person, like, if you can cultivate, like, the virtue of generosity in your own heart, a generous person doesn't struggle with taking things that don't belong to them, because the generous person loves to give, do you understand?

31:15

Like, the generous person loves to give, so taking becomes unthinkable, right?

31:21

Now, turn to our discussion on speaking kindly, let all bitterness, wrath, anger, calamity, slander be put away from me along with all malice, what we think about that, what we think that means is, we think that means

31:32

I need to stop getting so mad, I need to stop yelling so much, I need to stop getting so frustrated, right?

31:40

Like that, but that's not, it's saying put that off, yeah, we certainly need to put those things off, but how do you do it?

31:48

All right, well, look, look at the put on in verse 32, be kind to one another, tender -hearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you, like, you're not just trying to stop being angry all the time, you understand?

32:05

What you're doing is, first and foremost, you're thinking about what Jesus has done for you by dying on the cross to forgive you your sin, so you're renewing your mind, you're thinking, like, you're saying, hey,

32:16

I am a great sinner, and Jesus is a great savior, and he has forgiven me all my sins, past, present, and future, he's cast them into the depths of the sea, he's thrown them, you know, as far as the east is from the west, and he's determined to remember, to hold them against me no more, to remember them no more, that's what

32:34

God has done for me, so I'm a great sinner, Jesus is a great savior, you're reflecting on that, right?

32:41

And on the basis of that, what are you doing? You're saying, be kind to one another, do you know that if you make, like, an intentional effort to be kind to people, it's almost impossible to be mad at them, right?

32:53

The only reason you're going to do that is because of what Jesus has done, but what I'm trying to say is that, like, a lot of people are just focused on trying to stop being mad, instead of focusing on putting on the virtue of kindness, right?

33:07

Undeserved kindness on the basis of what God in Christ has done for you, so meaning, like, if you can turn yourself into a person who doesn't return evil for evil, into a kind person by the power of the

33:18

Spirit, like, reflecting on what Jesus has done for you, you're not going to struggle being angry anymore, do you understand what

33:25

I'm saying? So the point isn't, like, what I'm trying to say is, like, the point isn't just to stop being, man,

33:32

I need to get my temper under control, I need to just stop blowing up, it's like, well, no, you have a, you need to fixate on what

33:38

Jesus has done for you and learn how to be a kind person, a person who doesn't return evil for evil, but,

33:46

I mean, that's over and over what you're going to find as you read the New Testament, like, return no one evil for evil, but, you know, if your enemy hungers, feed them, if they thirst, give them drink, for in so doing, they'll reap coals of fire upon your head, like, do good to those who persecute you and despitefully use you, because then you'll be sons of your

34:03

Father who are in heaven, but those are four rules of communication from Ephesians 4.

34:09

How long do we have here? 10 30. All right, any questions about those so far?

34:19

If not, I have more. All right, well, feel free to interrupt whenever, right?

34:29

I do have a comment that I feel like this comes up in my discussions with people about the

34:35

Sabbath, because a lot of people think about the Sabbath as being just put off, like, it's, don't worry, don't do this, don't do that, and it's really, in my mind, it's primarily about dedicating the day to the

34:48

Lord as you do those things. It's not really about, like, you know, sitting around doing nothing or stop doing things.

34:53

It's really about what you want, obedience, just in anything, but especially in that one.

35:04

Yeah, I mean, that's a common thing in parenting, too, to where you can be fixated on all the bad, like, all the waste, time wasters that your kids are doing and everything else, but then it'd be much more helpful to provide a positive vision of what they should be doing with their time other than just, like, fixating on all the things they shouldn't be doing, right?

35:24

Because then you just end up, everyone's staring at walls, having nothing to do because it's all bad, you know, but I think the more what

35:32

God wants us to do is to be focusing on doing the good, and then, like, the opposite has a way of going away, but.

35:41

Yeah, I've got a question. So, I had a kid who was doing a lot of stealing, right?

35:47

So, because of this first, one of the things I wanted to do was to take some of his own money, you know, some of his own and suggestions for how to get it is not sensed as a punishment, a consequence for what they've done.

36:18

I mean, yeah, there's different kinds of discipline within the home. There's, like, formative discipline, there's corrective discipline, like, meaning corrective discipline is responding to a fire and trying to put the fire out, but then formative discipline is, it's like discipline in such a way that you're proactively trying to instill into your children certain traits that will help them later on in life.

36:43

I mean, certainly, like, if your kid has a heart of stone, it's going to be hard to, like, a heart of stone is a heart of stone.

36:49

It's a hard, like, meaning, like, if they don't, like, the best, like, in a lot of ways,

36:56

I mean, best maybe you can do is create a pharisee out of them, where, you know, whenever God gets a hold of them, they've developed the practices and habits and everything else, but I mean,

37:04

I do think that, like, with those kind of things, trying to teach them to love to do things, having those kind of things be the things that you're modeling as good things, that are excited things, that are enjoyable things, and trying to explain the rationale, like, what, like, behind them, so that it's not just, like, an action, like, right,

37:28

I must go give, but that's accompanied with an explanation that seems to be, like, authentic, you know, so,

37:36

I mean, a lot of times, like, generosity is, can be contagious in that way.

37:42

So, if you're talking about, like, cultivating, like, a generous heart in your kids, I mean, if you, like, legitimately, like, love to give, and that comes out, and you're not, like, like, you, it comes out as if it's authentic, like, that can go a long way, for sure, you know, like, meaning, like, you know,

38:04

God's been so good to us, He's given us so much, like, here's an opportunity we have to bless someone else.

38:11

The more that you're communicating those kind of things can at least help, yeah.

38:17

All right, four more rules. You may not like these as much, because they're a little more controversial.

38:26

Rule number, four more rules, here's one, refuse to apologize ever.

38:36

I mean, this is a generality here, but J. Adams, J.

38:42

Adams really makes a big deal about this, and I agree, and it's interesting, because, like, you read the

38:48

Bible, you're not really going to find in the Bible anyone ever saying, I'm sorry, that kind of stuff, like, that kind of expression, what you're not going to find is people apologizing, and what you're going to find when you read the

39:02

Bible is specific request for forgiveness, so think about Exodus 10, 17, here's a good example.

39:12

Now, therefore, forgive my sin, please, only this once, and plead with the Lord your God to remove this death from me.

39:20

Paul, somewhat of a sarcastic way, in 2 Corinthians 12, 13, he says, for in what were you less favored than the rest of the churches, except that I myself did not burden you?

39:30

Forgive me this wrong. Like, the biblical language that we should be using is the language of forgiveness, and the language of forgiveness is fairly powerful language, because language of forgiveness means something, right?

39:42

So, if I step on your toes, it's perfectly fine for me to say, hey, I'm sorry, but if I step on your toes on that,

39:49

I mean, most of the time, if you accidentally step on your toes, what you're not saying is, I've sinned against heaven in God's sight, and I, please, you know, forgive me this wrong.

39:57

Like, the language of, like, sorry, like, I'm sorry, is the kind of language that you typically use for accidents, or like, the death of a loved one, or something along those lines, hey,

40:09

I'm sorry for your loss. When you communicate to a person, I'm sorry for your loss, you're not saying,

40:15

I was the one who did it, you know? Please don't tell the cops. Like, that's not what you're saying.

40:20

Like, so, like, the issue is just to say that, like, forgiveness is the language that we should be using, and the more that you can make it a habit and a practice to use that language, the clearer your reconciliation attempts are going to be, okay?

40:38

Because forgiveness, like, when you ask forgiveness, you're asking someone to make a commitment, like, you're a three -fold commitment, so that commitment is, like, you're not gonna, like,

40:47

I'm asking you, so if I were to say, hey, I sinned against you, will you please forgive me?

40:53

That, I'm communicating something very specific there, do you understand? Like, I'm communicating very specifically.

40:59

I'm saying, I sinned against you, I did something wrong, right? Not, I'm sorry you're offended,

41:05

I'm sorry if you were hurt, I'm sorry if you didn't like that, right? None of that is communicating, like,

41:10

I did anything wrong, necessarily. It's just saying, I see you're really bent out of shape about that, and I'm trying to communicate to you that I'm trying to get this situation to go away, right?

41:18

But if I were to say, for, like, I sinned against you, will you forgive me? I'm asking you to do three things.

41:24

One, not to bring the matter up to yourself anymore, meaning I'm asking you to no longer be bitter about this, right?

41:31

You're not going to keep a record of wrongdoing in your own brain that you're going to hold against me. I'm asking you to not be bitter, so you're not going to keep on rehearsing it in your mind.

41:39

I'm asking you to not, like, bring this matter up to others again in a harmful way, meaning I'm asking you to refrain from gossiping about it, right?

41:47

And I'm asking you to not to bring it to me again. I'm asking you, I'm, like, I'm asking you not to keep a record of wrongdoing that you're going to bash me over the head with over and over and over again.

41:57

I'm saying, release the debt. I sinned against you, I was wrong. Will you forgive me? I'm asking you to take that sin, cast it into the depths of the sea, and determine to remember it no more.

42:08

And that's clear, you understand? Like, that's clear, and that's the way the Bible speaks, and that's the language that we should speak.

42:14

And a lot of times, we're not reconciled with each other because we're not speaking the language the Bible speaks.

42:20

We're just saying, hey, I'm sorry, right? So if you spend 10 minutes fighting, and you look at someone, and you say all kind of horrible, hateful things that, like, you can't take back and everything else, and you look at him and say, hey, yeah,

42:33

I'm sorry about that. Do you think anyone feels reconciled at the end of that? Like, do you think anyone thinks, oh, yeah, yeah, okay, he said he was sorry.

42:42

I guess we're good, right? So, like, the issue is, when you say you're sorry, you're not asking anything of them.

42:49

You're not saying, release the debt. You're just saying, you're just expressing, like, sorrow over in a generic, vague way, who knows whose fault it is and everything else over the situation, right?

43:03

So you're basically saying nothing more significant than, hey, I accidentally stepped on your toe or something like that.

43:08

That's what you said. And then no one feels reconciled at the end of it because no one knows what to do with that.

43:15

I don't know what that meant. I don't know what you were communicating. That was very vague and very unspecific. I don't know what you're saying.

43:21

And we went through the motions of feeling reconciled, but no one feels reconciled, big surprise, because we don't know what we're doing.

43:28

But, like, when you say, hey, I sinned against you. Will you forgive me? You have to humble yourself to the point where you have to acknowledge you actually did something wrong.

43:37

You're communicating, I did something wrong, right? And, like, ideally, will you forgive against, forgive me because I yelled at you for the past ten minutes and said horrible things.

43:48

Like, imagine that. Like, over and against saying, I'm sorry, look, I spent ten minutes losing my temper at you unrighteously and yelling at you and calling you names.

43:59

And there's no excuse for that. Like, I was walking in the flesh in that moment.

44:04

I was wrong. And I would ask you to forgive me for saying those things.

44:10

And I don't deserve that you forgive me, but I will ask you to forgive me for what

44:17

I've done. No excuses, no nothing. It was wrong. That comes across a lot, that will come across a lot better than just flipping out a sorry, right?

44:27

So the Bible doesn't command us to flip out, hey, I'm sorry. Now, most people kind of react to that by saying, yeah, well, you know what they mean by, like, when

44:34

I say I'm sorry, I mean, will you forgive me? It's like, no, I don't think you mean that. I don't know what you mean.

44:40

And I'm not going to pretend that you're saying the same thing as, will you forgive me? It would be a lot clearer if you were to say, hey,

44:47

I sinned. Like, admit that you sinned. Ask me to forgive you of something specific. You know, often, like, when

44:53

Elizabeth and I are pursuing reconciliation, you know, it'll be, will you forgive me for that?

45:00

It's like, okay, yes, I will. But what am I, what are you asking forgiveness for, right? Specifically, what are you asking forgiveness for?

45:06

I'm perfectly willing to forgive you, but what, for what? And now, I mean, you can go into,

45:11

I mean, you don't need to probably, like, write a 10 -paragraph essay about all the different specific things that you did in that 10 -minute moment.

45:20

You may not even be able to remember them all, but, you know, just, like, a sincere effort at summary does go a long way.

45:28

But, yeah, we should quit apologizing. Save apologies for, you know, stepping on people's toes, accidents, and things like that, and forgiveness.

45:37

Yeah, we should be asking forgiveness. And, you know, we should only be asking forgiveness if you actually sin.

45:44

So, a lot of people will flip out, like, I'm sorry, as a way of trying to get someone to calm down. But, like, refuse to apologize.

45:53

If you didn't do anything wrong, you're lying. Like, if you're saying, hey,

45:59

I'm sorry, and you're supposed to think I mean by that, like, I need you to forgive me or something. If you didn't do anything wrong, you shouldn't apologize.

46:08

You can look at our society right now, and every time someone says something that goes against the secular jihad, like, what do they do?

46:15

There's a demand that you ask, like, you know, acknowledge the hurt that you've caused and everything else.

46:21

And you have people who are basically caving and flipping out apologies in an attempt to appease certain people. But, like, the issue is, if you didn't do anything wrong, you stand your ground and don't say that you did something wrong.

46:34

Like, because then we're violating our first principle of speaking the truth. Like, look,

46:39

I'm sorry that you are unrighteously upset at me because I did

46:45

X, but God tells me to do X, and that's why I did it.

46:51

And I can't apologize for that. I can't ask forgiveness for that, because God makes the rules, not me. So, I don't want you to be unrighteously upset about that.

47:01

And you need to repent of the fact that your anger is misplaced.

47:07

Like, you're not the God of the universe. You know, the Lord who made the heavens and the earth is, but I'm not going to ask forgiveness for doing the right thing, right?

47:16

So, refuse to apologize. Like, ask forgiveness if you actually sin. This, yes, right.

47:34

These are four more rules. I don't know if I'll get through them all, but that's all right.

47:39

We'll talk about it some point. Yeah. So, the first four were from Ephesians 4. These are just, you know, four more rules that are randomly placed here.

47:48

So, one, don't apologize ever, unless you step on someone's toe.

47:56

Two, take responsibility for your feelings. Don't emotionally manipulate others, or allow yourself to be emotionally manipulated.

48:04

Yes, sir. I'm saying, reserve sorry for that.

48:13

Hey, I'm sorry. There should be a clear distinction in your mind that if I'm saying sorry,

48:20

I'm not saying I did anything wrong. Yeah.

48:28

So, I'm sorry should be, I'm expressing sorrow, not I did something wrong.

48:35

So, don't blur those categories. So, you accidentally step on their toes, feel free to say, hey, I'm sorry about that, right?

48:41

Now, a lot of people are addicted to saying sorry. They'll say sorry for no reason. Like, they'll say sorry for, like, nonsensical reasons.

48:48

Like, things they didn't even do wrong, you know. Like, yes, ma 'am. Yes, ma 'am.

49:00

And I think that, uh -huh, right?

49:28

Let me even accept it.

49:47

Right. You're right.

49:54

But I say that, there's many times when should be required, but I always think about that.

50:22

Sure. What do you say? If I'm following what you're saying, you're saying that there are times we're expressing sorrow over the damage that whatever your actions have done is appropriate.

50:38

So, yeah. If I've followed you correctly, I think it's perfectly appropriate to say,

50:45

I'm sorry for what I did. Will you forgive me? That's very different.

50:52

You know, I sinned, I sinned against you. I'm sorry for, I'm sorry for what

50:57

I did. It was completely wrong. It was out of place. So, expressing sorrow is, can often be an aspect and an important aspect of asking forgiveness.

51:08

But all I'm communicating is, don't just stop with, I'm expressing sorrow, generically.

51:16

Or even, I think you're pushing it to the next step to say, hey, I'm expressing sorrow for a specific thing.

51:23

But I'm saying, well, also add, will you forgive me on that? Because that, and that will you forgive me part is the most important part, if that makes sense.

51:34

Because you're asking someone to make a commitment to fix the relationship.

51:40

So, if I were just to, let's say I were to say something hateful to my wife or something like that, and I'm going to say,

51:48

I'm sorry for saying that hateful thing. And she looks at me and says, okay, thanks for saying sorry.

51:56

I don't know that we're reconciled yet. Do you see what I'm saying? Because no one knows, right?

52:04

Well, she heard it. I said, I'm sorry. She heard, I'm sorry. But we don't know if we're fixed yet, right?

52:10

But we're, when you say, hey, will you forgive me as the next component to that? And she has to say yes, right?

52:18

And when she says yes, then a transaction has happened to where I'm asking her to release that debt.

52:25

And not just sit there and be mad at me. And like, I'm in the doghouse for the next three days or something like that.

52:31

Like, no, I'm asking her to release the debt. And when she says, yes, I will release the debt, then we're restored, right?

52:45

Sure. Sure. Forgive them.

53:25

Yeah. But in that past, yeah. So in that passage, it says, like, if your brother sins against you seven times a day and comes to you and says,

53:34

I repent. So in that, like, that's this in Luke. So like, it shows up in Matthew and Luke, but in the

53:44

Luke passage, it says, if he comes to you and says, I repent, then you forgive him.

53:50

And that's just further evidence that forgiveness is meant to be a transaction. So like, if you think about it, like, an example that's often used is the example of, like, conjoined rooms in a hotel or whatever, where you can imagine, like, two rooms side by side, and there's two, those doors like this.

54:07

Like, what you're doing with biblical reconciliation is you're opening that door. Like, you're saying, you know, will you forgive me?

54:16

And then they're opening their door, right? They're saying yes. And then reconciliation is you're walking through that room.

54:22

Like, fellowship is restored. So, I mean, there's certainly times where, like, the Bible says, if it's possible, as much as lies within you, like, live at peace with all men.

54:31

There's times where they're not going to want reconciliation. And it's not good for you to just sit there and be bitter about it.

54:40

But what you would do is you are adopting, like, a posture that says, I stand ready to forgive you if you ask, kind of thing.

54:46

I stand ready to forgive you if you ask. I'm not going to keep on running it over in your mind. But, like, true biblical reconciliation is if your brother sins, go and tell him his fault and then be reconciled.

54:57

So, that's the pattern. And, like, real reconciliation happens when people acknowledge it, you know, and not just, like, pretend it didn't happen.

55:05

So, I mean, the best you can do if they're not going to ask is just, like, you're having, like, a posture of readiness to forgive.

55:14

But that's, I mean, so you're not developing a bitter posture. You just have a, like, you're just picture yourself in the hotel opening the door and just saying,

55:23

I'm ready whenever you are, right? You're standing. So, in that way, you're like the prodigal father with the prodigal son.

55:30

You're sitting there and you're looking afar off, waiting for him to return so you can be fixed. So, he wasn't sitting there stewing mad, right?

55:39

But they weren't fixed until he came back and says, I sinned against heaven and in your sight, right?

55:44

I'm not even worthy to be called, like, one of your hired hands. At that point, then there's the reconciliation, kill the fatted calf, everything else.

55:53

So, a lot of times, like, we're just waiting like the prodigal father for them to come to themselves, right?

56:01

So that you can fix it. But, yes, sir? I think it's basically the same question, but...

56:12

Yeah, absolutely. I don't know what that means. I would say that.

56:18

I don't know what you're saying, you know? Like, you're saying you're sorry for what? And what do you want me to do with that, right?

56:25

Like, what do you want me to do with that information? So, but, I mean, it really, it's kind of, you know,

56:31

Elizabeth and I, Elizabeth has talked about this before, too. It really is, like, humbling to have to sit there and say,

56:40

I sinned. But it's humbling on the other side, too, to say, like, will you forgive me?

56:48

And then it's like, have to say, yes, I will forgive you. Like, that's the thing we're trying to protect people from, is having to actually say, yes,

56:58

I will forgive you, because that means something, you know? So, I think we try to stop short of that as much as we can.

57:05

But, all right, well, look, there's more. We can do it later, maybe. We'll see. But that's just a good start.

57:14

Four rules. Speak the truth, keep current, edify, speak kindly, and then refuse to apologize ever is an additional thought.

57:22

But let me pray, and we'll end our time here. Lord, we thank you for the opportunity we have to think about your words.

57:28

We know that reconciliation is only possible in what Jesus has done for us. We know that you've come, taken on flesh, and you've dwelt among us in order to provide a salvation,

57:40

Lord, in Jesus, and we thank you for that. We know that that's the only basis we have for harmonious relationships with either you or with each other, and we pray that you help us be mindful of that and have the cross be the thing that guides all of our thoughts and all of our affections,

57:58

Lord, and be willing to extend the same kind of forgiveness that you've extended towards us, towards our brothers and sisters.