TLP 44: Practical Anti-Terrorism | Applying Truth to a Terrorist with The Communication House and Revolving Priorities

Regardless of what consequence I give her, I must be certain I'm glorifying God while I give it to her and for the reasons I'm giving it to her.

To truth, love, parent, where we use God's Word to become intentional premeditated parents. Here's your host, A .M. Brewster.

Introducing the Role-Play and the Parenting Tools

We need to jump right into our application today so we have enough time to explore it. But I want to take just a moment to introduce my special guest, the one who will be helping me illustrate how to use the parenting tools we've been talking about for almost four weeks.

Now.

My guest today is the most specialist one on the planet. She's my friend, my help, my wife, Johanna. Thanks for helping me out today, babe.

Good to be here, dear.

Given the nature of today's show, there won't be any episode notes, but the transcript will be available at evermindministries .com if you want to take a look at that. And speaking of the format of today's show, let me explain what Joe and I are going to.

Do.

Back in episode 37, we talked about parenting a terrorist. Then in subsequent episodes, we outlined numerous parenting tools, including the communication house, revolving priorities, and various ways of applying truth to someone's life.

And lastly, we dealt with the twin topics of the most potentially destructive influence in the life of our children and how we can train our kids to rebel. So if you haven't heard all those episodes, I strongly encourage you to start there.

Otherwise, today's show might be quite confusing. Our goal today is to wrap up that entire discussion by using it in a real life example. Johanna is going to pretend to be my terrorist daughter, and we're going to role play what it looks like for you, the parent, to use these parenting tools in a real life situation.

But of course, we need to set the stage because no family conflict ever happens in a vacuum. There's always relationships, previously communicated information, and a whole history of similar situations that each member of the conflict is subconsciously using to judge how each person is going to react in the current disagreement.

The Father-Daughter Relationship and a Biblical Foundation

So first, let's talk about the dad and the daughter. I wish I could do a bunch of different versions, you know, one for toddlers, one for elementary, and so on. But honestly, using these tools with younger terrorists is much easier than using them with older ones.

For those of you with young children, I'm certain you'll be able to apply today's examples to your parenting far better than a parent of an older child could if they're listening to us role play a toddler.

So Johanna is going to do her best to portray a 14 to 16-year-old girl. I obviously will be the dad, but it's vital that we understand the relationship this father and daughter have. We're going to play this a little left of center.

It won't help you at all to portray a daughter who's sweet and loving. She needs to be a terrorist because that's where many of your kids are or are going to be, which means that I, as a father, have not been laying a solid biblical foundation in her life up until this point.

So I'm going to be speaking as a recovering dictator father who in the past few months has been convicted that my parenting just doesn't glorify God the way it should. So I've started listening to Truth, Love, Parent, of course, and I've started researching and studying God's Word, and I'm trying to use the lessons that I've learned.

Of course, as with any terrorist, my daughter's not excited about the new me. Though she's a Christian, I've done too good a job modeling quote-unquote acceptable levels of self-worship, and in her immaturity, she's lost sight of her first love, Christ, and has been losing herself in sin.

Now, if your child isn't born again, the only change I would make to today's illustration is that you will need to ground everything you say in evangelism. And you also need to be prepared that their blind eyes will not understand anything you're saying because they're spiritually dead.

That's why it's impossible to admonish an unbeliever. Life training couched in evangelism is the only effective model in that situation. We will be talking about parenting unsaved children in upcoming episodes, and I hope to address this with greater depth then, but for now, Johanna is a 14 to 16-year-old Christian girl who does experience the Holy Spirit's conviction, but is also so enslaved to her own emotions and desires that the things of God don't resonate the way they should.

And I'll be dad who, though I haven't laid the right foundation to this point, and though it's never easy to start from scratch with a teenager, I'm embracing God's promises that I can glorify Him in my parenting and my daughter can be the woman God wants her to be.

Because of this, I'm going to do my best to fight the fear that I'm going to be tempted to feel when my daughter engages in terrorism, and I'll rest on God's grace by speaking His truth in love so that I can influence my daughter positively and that I don't continue training her to rebel.

Wow.

A Chore Conflict and the Communication House

All right. With that foundation laid, here goes. The situation is kind of a middle ground issue. I walk into the kitchen and I see that my daughter hasn't completed her evening chore, which this week is washing the dinner dishes.

And on top of that, she's nowhere to be seen. She's not even attempting to clean the dishes. So I go to her room, knock on her door, and she answers. The best way to approach situations like this is to ask questions.

Don't assume you know what's going on. Hey, why haven't you started the dishes?

I'm going over to Becca's tonight, remember?

Yeah, I do. But that doesn't mean you get to skip your chore.

Seriously?

I won't have any time over there if I don't leave soon.

Now, at this point, you need to watch out for two things that betray the fact that she's either believing a lie or potentially manipulating. Listen for tone and terms. Tone and terms. Tone is her tone of voice, and terms are the actual words she uses.

Her response just betrayed two issues. Number one, it sounds like she's possibly getting a little irritated, which is leading her to sound a bit disrespectful. The second is her terms, specifically the mock question, seriously?

At this point, she's just revealed that she doesn't like my plan. Watch carefully for this rolled eyes, exasperated sighs, screwed up faces, and exclamations like this are ways of saying, I don't like what you're saying.

It's disrespectful every time. She's also starting to exaggerate. This is a common manipulation technique that makes it sound like her plight is worse than it is. But before we continue, I have to point out that interpreting her expression, language, and demeanor isn't enough.

I need to check myself, too. God says to attend to the log sticking out of your own eye before addressing the dust in someone else's. As a recovering dictator, disrespect and disobedience are a no-go because it rubbed my pride the wrong way.

I was being really good when I entered her room, calm and collected. But see, now she's starting to push my buttons. I can hear that in my daughter. I'm imagining the times in the past where conversations started this way and the terrible place that they went.

But see, I need to remember that this interaction is happening because I love my God and I love my daughter. There can be no other reason. This can't be about the dishes or my authority. I need to stay in the communication house and get her back inside, too.

This discussion must be grounded on truth and spoken in love for God's glory. And this is where I need to use revolving priorities. So Johanna's going to pick up with the last line.

Seriously?

I won't have any time over there if I don't leave soon.

First of all, you'll have all the time you need. But more importantly, please don't be disrespectful. Questioning my plans with a bad attitude is not Christ honoring.

This is so stupid.

Why?

I could have left already. Why do we have to talk about this right now?

Okay, so obviously she's moving farther and farther from the house and she's layering her manipulation by making me out to be the bad guy. I need to keep the conversation in the house. So the most important thing that I can do right now is help her to acknowledge truth.

This is so stupid.

I could have left already. Why do we have to talk about this right now?

We have to talk about this because you're not obeying.

It's just dishes.

I'm not talking about the dishes. Why is it okay for you to talk to me like this? Listen, I'm doing my best not to raise my voice. We need to respect each other or we're not pleasing the Lord.

If you respected me, you wouldn't have me waste all my time with Becca washing these.

Stupid dishes.

I can do those anytime. I need to leave right now for Becca's and this conversation is making me late.

It's often very helpful to present what I like to call a respect reversal to help someone see when they're living a failure philosophy. It's obvious she's getting worked up and she's showing no regard for God's word.

So I'm going to try a respect reversal to at least help her realize that she's not making any logical sense. Listen to what this sounds like. You need to calm down. Listen, do you want me talking to you the way you're talking to me?

You deserve it. You're being a jerk.

Okay. So if it's all right for a daughter to speak unkindly to her father because he's doing something she doesn't like, then what is a father allowed to do when his daughter is disobeying God? By asking this question, you force them to answer the question, even if it's just in their heads.

At many points throughout this conversation, obviously the daughter has had opportunities to acknowledge and respond to truth. Anytime that I've presented God's word, she's had an opportunity to respond.

And it's at this point that many kids will start to see the error of their thinking. But this daughter isn't going to do that because for many of you, the issue rarely ends that quickly and I want this illustration to be as realistic for you as possible.

But because deep inside she knows her actions and attitudes are wrong, the only way that she can plunge forward with her failure philosophy is to one, deny reality and start spouting nonsense or two, just distract from the point.

I've dealt with many kids who love to spiral into the wasteland of the idiotic just because they hate to be wrong. They want so badly to win the conversation that they will contradict themselves and say ludicrous things just to leave you speechless.

And here's a very important observation from my, I have to say it from my decade in family counseling. Every person who's ever lowered themselves to this level that I'm about to show you spouting ridiculous fantasies, which they know are ridiculous and which they know you know are wrong.

People like that in my experience have always been unsaved. Now, let me give you a sedate example of what I'm talking about. So the father says, all right, then if it's okay for the daughter to speak unkindly to her father because he's doing something she doesn't like, then what is the father allowed to do when his daughter is disobeying her God?

I guess he's allowed to beat her, maybe even kill her. That's what Muslims do. They let men beat their wives and children.

We're talking about God's word.

Yeah.

Well, why don't you just kill me? Go ahead and stone me. That's what God commands parents to do. They're rebellious kids.

You see what I'm talking about? When people descend to this level, and I'm no doubt some of you have had children who've done that, they've crossed the line from foolish to what the Bible calls a scorner.

Scorners aren't just your typical fool. If you have a child like this in your house, you need to do a word study in the book of Proverbs about scoffers and scorners. They deliberately mock and they deride God in his word because they loathe it.

A born-again believer cannot be a scorner. Now, if my daughter were to say this, my priorities would automatically revolve quicker than you can imagine. The spiritual life of my daughter is at stake if she's saying such atrocious things about God's word.

But for this illustration, this young lady is born again and she's not going to go in that direction. She's going to try misdirection instead. So if it's okay for a daughter to speak unkindly to her father because he's doing something she doesn't like, what's the father allowed to do when his daughter is disobeying God's.

Word?

You always have to be about me. You can never just admit to being a jerk. You always have to hit me with the Bible.

Truth, Love, and a Biblical Response to Manipulation

So obviously I'm going to need to revolve again. And remember, anytime your child lies, you can't move forward with the conversation until you clear it up. And another thing, if there's ever an opportunity in conversations like this to show your frailty, to show them you're not perfect, that you're still growing and that you're in this together, it will go a long way.

And had I lost my cool, had I been sinful in my attitude, thoughts, actions, or words, I need to get myself back in the communication house before this conversation can be productive. I need to apologize for my failure philosophies.

One, I need to do it because God commands it. But two, it shows my child that I'm in this sanctification process with her. And then three, it helps her see the right way to deal with her sin. I'm not hitting you with the Bible.

I'm actually doing what God commands parents to do because I'm trying very hard to obey him right now. And that's all I want for you. You told me that two summers ago, you asked Jesus to save you. And since then, I've seen big change in you.

I praise God that he's not only been working in your life, but he's also been working in my life. I think you can see that I'm not the man I used to be any more than you're the same person you used to be.

That doesn't mean I'm perfect. I still make many bad choices, but I try very hard to apologize to you when I realize it. Well, right now, you're sinning. This conversation could have been over a long time ago if I had just come in here and reminded you about the dishes and you apologized for not doing them and then politely asked me to help you get them done so you could leave for Becca's.

But instead, you chose to dishonor me by being very disrespectful. And you know what? I hate saying that. I struggle so much with pride that I hate playing the authority card. I used to do that all the time.

You probably remember, but I did it for the wrong reason. I wanted you to respect me because of how it made me feel. But the reality is that you need to honor and obey your parents because God commands.

It.

You need to obey me because you love God. And you know this. I want to discuss the dishes with you, but we can't talk about it unless we can both agree to honor the Lord with our attitudes and our words.

Will you please have a mature conversation with me?

Okay.

I think I understand why you wanted to save the dishes for later. And that may have been a good idea. But the problem is that you chose to be the parent and make a decision that wasn't yours to make. The better choice would have been to explain your situation and just ask me.

But I knew you would say no.

Be careful. Be careful. I don't, I don't think you're trying to lie to me, but what you just said is untrue. You didn't know what I would say. You assumed you knew. But 1 Corinthians says that love hopes all things and believes all things.

That means that true love gives the benefit of the doubt. If you chose not to do the dishes like I asked because you were certain I wasn't going to give you permission, then you really made a very selfish, unloving choice.

How would you like it if I just assumed that you weren't going to start in volleyball this year because you didn't start last year? Or how would you feel if I thought to myself, she is so disrespectful, I'm not even going to bother talking to her.

All she cares about is herself and she will never change.

I wouldn't like it.

That's because it's unkind to assume the worst of people, even when they've hurt you before. That's why Jesus said that if someone sins against us, we need to, and then they apologize, but then they commit the same sin again and then they apologize and then they do the same thing over and over again in the same day.

We should forgive them every time. To be honest, I was on my way to the kitchen to offer you help because I knew you wanted to go to Becca's. The dishes didn't have to be a big deal, but your selfish heart is.

You chose to disobey because you were only thinking of yourself. And then when I asked you about it, you acted very disrespectfully. So what do you think needs to be done to fix this? Now for the sake of this part, we're going to assume that the daughter has already been taught what it means to biblically apologize.

So she says,.

Will you forgive me for being so selfish, not doing my chore and for disrespecting you?

Of course I do. God's forgiven me of so much. How can I not forgive you?

So should I finish the dishes?

Consequences, Grace, and Glorifying God in Parenting

Now this stage is so important because we're finally back to the original priority. And for the most part, we are both back in the house because after the daughter returned to the house, that we can now discuss the dishes and what happens here is so incredibly important.

And to be honest, I can't tell you what to do in this situation. In some cases, the best thing to do would be to show grace, give her what she doesn't deserve, offer to do the dishes for her while she heads off to her friends.

However, if this is a reoccurring issue with my daughter, even after an apology, it may be necessary for her to feel the sting of sin. Remember, sin hurts. If we allow our kids to think that you can just sin all you want with no consequences, we're lying to them.

So if she's making a habit of this and not changing, she probably needs to finish the dishes before she leaves. Whether I help her with them is also subjective. How long has this been an issue? How quickly did she get back into the communication house?

Did she mean it? Did she mean it? That's a hard one because some terrorists get really good at faking right responses in order to shut down the conversation. I highly encourage you parents to tune your radar.

Listen to your children's tone and their terms to verify that they genuinely understand their sin and want to do right. If you think they might be faking it, I would suggest giving the consequence. If the child was trying to manipulate you into thinking they were reformed just so that they could go and do what they want, they are not going to be happy at all with consequences.

But if they truly understand their sin, then they should have no problem receiving the consequences they know they deserve. In fact, true humility recognizes they probably deserve worse than they're going to get.

But regardless of what consequences I give her, I must be certain that I am glorifying God while I give it to her and for the reasons I'm giving it to her. In this situation, I may be tempted to send her off to her friends while I take care of the dishes because I'm honestly afraid that we're going to replay the entire conversation if I suggest she needs to finish the dishes before she goes.

Well, that's fearful parenting. I've just negotiated with the terrorist. But on the other side, I may also require her to stay because I want her to feel an unnecessary amount of pain. This is sadomasochistic parenting.

These are parents who like to inflict pain on their kids. This is a wicked and vile form of parenting. But we must be honest with ourselves. We're all tempted to do this in one way or another. Because just like our children, it's so easy for us to be vindictive.

Humans like to hurt those who hurt us. We want them to feel what they put us through. And quite often, we retaliate with worse. And as parents, oftentimes we end up giving our child consequences because of how mad they made us and how much time they wasted.

But regardless of the actual consequences, the two examples I just gave were sinful because of my heart. I chose the consequences because of how I felt about the situation, not what I knew about God. I want to thank my wife again for helping me today.

And I look forward to her joining me in the future to discuss parenting and not have to pretend to be a brat.

Would be really nice to not be a brat next time. This was a lot of fun, babe. I'm really excited about doing this again. Thanks.

Closing Encouragement and Next Episode Preview

And I want to thank you for sticking around a little longer than usual. Don't forget about today's show transcript at evermindministries .com. And please don't miss our next episode entitled, The Second Most Important Question You Need to Ask Your Kids.

I hope to see you then.

Truth. Love. Parent is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent. Join us next time as we search God's Word for the truth your family needs today.