TLP 486: Reset Your Parenting | Todd Friel Interview

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Your might has calmed down the situation, and they fear you, not with an honoring fear, but like, oh, wait till dad gets home.

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Parenting isn't about us. In fact, parenting isn't even about our kids. Parenting is just one way

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Christian dads and moms are to worship God. So welcome to the Truth Love Parent podcast, where we train dads and moms to give

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God the preeminence in their parenting. I'm your host, A .M. Brewster, and I hope you enjoy today's interview.

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I always have a good time interviewing the thought leaders, authors, influencers, and men and women of God that I have the privilege to meet.

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But there are some I just really love interacting with, and Todd Friel is one of them. He's quick -witted, intelligent, and a super genuine guy, and we had a great time talking about his book.

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And if you would like to have a good time interacting with me, I invite you to follow me on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and Instagram.

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And you should also check out the Wisdom app, which is now available on iPhones and Androids. And after today's discussion, check out our other resources available to you at truthloveparent .com.

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There will be a link in the description. Enjoy. His name is Todd Friel, and according to his bio, he, quote, studied to be a pastor, but neglected to get saved.

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After spending a decade in TV, radio, and business, God graciously saved him. He is the author of five books and two dozen biblical resources.

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He is also the host of Wretched TV and Radio. Todd is the husband of one wife, father of three children, and owner of one dog, unquote.

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But it wasn't any of that that surprised me. However, before we talk about my shock and awe, please welcome

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Todd Friel with me. Welcome, sir. Okay, here's my question for you. When in life do you decide,

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I'm going to go from using my name to using initials? When does a man get to that point? You know, as far as I can tell, it's used for him.

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I think you have to be either an assassin or a theologian. If you're one of those, it's okay.

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You're right. You're right. So I guess I'm sticking with Todd.

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That is completely your prerogative. Completely. Well, now, what is your middle name? Would you care to share that on the air?

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Not telling. I got beat up way too much as a child. Not going to relive it. Not even an initial? No, I would need some cataphatic prayer.

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I'd have to go back and rework through some issues. No, and I was also, I think it was second grade.

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I was given saddle shoes. My mother bought me saddle shoes. I begged her not to do it. Can you still see that bruise from the kids that beat me up for wearing saddle shoes?

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Yeah, yeah. Don't name your kids a weird name and buy them saddle shoes. They're parenting advice you probably need.

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You know what? And that was worth the whole show. See you later, folks. That's all you need to know to be great parents. It is.

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Will you do us a favor and take a minute to introduce yourself? Well, I mean, you've introduced yourself fantastically, but maybe tell us a little bit more.

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You just did. I know, but tell us a little more about your family. And the dog has died. Okay, so you've got an old vial.

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The dog is dead. Would you like to bring up another painful subject or just be a paper cut and pour lemon juice in it?

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I should. It was 14 and a half. We had to put it down. It wasn't an easy decision. Anything else that you brought up?

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My painful childhood, my dog having to be put down. How's about the fact that I was a false convert?

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And wait a second. We've already covered that too. I think everybody knows. Yeah, we're good. Yeah. Well, okay. So here's something

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I'll besmirch your character a little bit more. What seriously makes you think you qualify you to write a parenting book?

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I mean, what's going on? Regrets. I have a few. Everything that's in this book basically is what

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I didn't do enough of. And that really is true. I'll tell you, this book is just a tragic history of the things that I wish that I had done sooner.

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I don't know if you've ever read Ted Tripp's book, Shepherding a Child's Heart. I have. Okay. It's called

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Shepherding a Child's Heart. And I went because I had the privilege of being with him.

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We did a project together. So I went back and read the copy that I read when my kids were little.

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And guess what was marked up, Aaron? All the stuff on discipline. How to spank them.

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How to get them to stopping. How to get them to submit. I cherry picked all this stuff that we parents want.

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Just get these kids to behave. And I miss the sweetness of the book. And I miss the gospel -centered nature of it.

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And so when I sat down to write a book on the subject, this was just a cumulative experience of so much that I wish

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I had started so much earlier. Thankfully, a lot of these principles we started before the kids got out of the house.

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But wow, if you can get on this early, you will be so ahead of the game. Yeah. Well, I'm sorry to say that I was late to the game of reading your book in particular.

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I was only just received a copy this past autumn from a mutual friend of ours. Say hey to Al for me.

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He sent me this book and I was really... Okay, well then don't because we both know he probably doesn't deserve it.

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But I know you well enough and I know your ministry well enough that it interested me so much that I set aside a bunch of other books

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I was currently reading just so I could dive into that one. And like I said at the beginning, it actually did surprise me.

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And I'll tell you what did it. Okay, I read a lot of parenting books. That's one of the things that I do.

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I'm a reviewer. I mean, I read a lot of them. I read the good, the bad, the ugly. I often read the heretical.

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Okay, so I read books written for both parents. The meager few written for dads. The great abundance written for moms.

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But yours had a number of things that the other ones don't. Okay, yes, your book, Reset for Parents, How to Keep Your Gits from Backsiding was insightful.

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It was packed with scripture. All the good ones always are. But what was so joyously surprising for me was that Reset for Parents was so...

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What's the word? I don't know, hard -hitting. It was straightforward. It wasn't afraid to address the topics that many books patently avoid.

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It addressed areas that I'm sure many parents don't even consider when it comes to parenting. And there was also one other thing that really surprised me.

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I dog -eared this part because I loved it. It has these great little pop culture references that continually made me smile.

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That if you weren't familiar with pop culture, you wouldn't get it. But they're in here. Like this one. I like this one. Don't be a

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Pharisee. It's all about that grace. About that grace. No trying. Just gorgeous.

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Thank you so much for that. Seriously though, I mean, it was a fun read, okay? But there's all of these things that were just really so real.

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And from what you said about why you wrote the book, I'm starting... It's clicking now. It's making sense to me why those are in there.

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Because this is real stuff that you struggled with. It just like strategically unpacked these big parenting problems that too few people are talking about, okay?

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Now, the way I just described that book, anyone who knows you probably isn't surprised by that description because it's pretty much you in book form, right?

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But I'd love for you to share with us... You talked about what drove you to write this book, okay? And why you approached it the way you did because of your own struggles.

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But why these things in particular? What made the elements in this book so incredibly important for you?

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Yeah. There's many things, but perhaps one. When I got married,

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I was entirely clueless. All I know is that I saw this woman and I wanted to marry her.

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I don't know what we were supposed to be doing. I don't know what the point was. I mean,

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I knew about marriage. I knew it's a picture of the gospel I got, but that was over here. I was a dualist and then she was over there.

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What is the point of it? There's more to marriage than just cohabitation.

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What about having kids? Why do we breed? I mean, as a Christian, I know why we do it as pagans, but why do we do it as Christians?

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There's more to it than just having little feet running around the house, as adorable as it is.

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There is a point to these things. And my theology was on one side and my life was on the other side.

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And life then kind of hit the fan. Something happened to our family.

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It wasn't a moral failure, but it was just something super, super hard that has caused the shipwreck of families.

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And we just had to ask ourselves the question, how do we chart these choppy waters when everything is hard?

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When everybody in the family, their sin is being revealed more and more and more, especially mine.

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How does the Christian family put up with one another? And not only that, ultimately have some smooth sailing and joy.

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So we had to take our theology off of the shelf and apply it to life. And I will tell you this,

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Erin, that if you can get your mind around having your home have a point, the biblical point, it will change it on a dime.

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Erin, I have talked to so many families. This is a current trend that their kids don't talk to them anymore.

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These are good Christian folks and their kids, they just want nothing to do with them.

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And this happened. I've even heard Dennis Prager talking about this. He's noticed this phenomenon of people that are separated from their kids.

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And on occasion, I'll get to talk to some of these parents and I'll ask them, have you ever repented to your kids?

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And sometimes it's a bit tender because it was acrimonious. The divide happened. Words were said. The kids maybe were more terrible than the parents were terrible.

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And it seems really, really hard. And I'll ask them and encourage them, please call them up and repent.

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And Erin, I kid you not, the power of humility and asking for forgiveness with your child is extraordinary.

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I can tell you people who have not talked to their kids in years, they haven't seen their own grandchildren.

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They will call them up and say, honey, I know we haven't talked in years. I just want you to know that I am sorry for everything that I have ever done.

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That was a sin against you. I'm hoping you can forgive me. I'm so sorry. I love you. Goodbye.

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And then as long as it took them to leave that message, time goes by and their phone rings and they are restored to a relationship with their children.

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Why? Because dad or mom demonstrated that the gospel of Jesus Christ is not something we merely believe.

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It is something that affects us. It is something that we do. It actually impacts us.

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So when we go sing that a wretched man that I am, or amazing grace that saved a wretch like me, when we show that I'm a wretch and I'm willing to admit it because I've already been outed by the gospel anyway.

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And when I demonstrate that I love Jesus because he forgave me. And now it actually does something to my parenting where the parent can repent to the child and where the child stops living like a little

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Pharisee and a little conformist. And we all start loving Jesus because we all need Jesus. I'm telling you, it is a game changer.

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It saved our family and it has made it sweeter than it ever was.

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That is so fantastic to hear. Thank you so much for sharing that. There are so many great chapters in Reset for Parents.

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We obviously don't have time to discuss them all. Okay. So I'd love to talk about my personal favorite. One of my personal favorites, chapter nine.

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It's actually the chapter from which I pulled that great little pop culture reference. And the chapter is called,

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Don't Confuse Justification with Sanctification. Now, as a biblical counselor,

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I encounter this all of the time. A parent has a child. The child makes a profession of faith.

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And from there on out in the parent's mind, any discussion of the child's relationship with God is completely removed from the table.

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We're not going to talk about it. You're saved. You prayed the prayer. You told me you're saved. So it's done. All right. When you start chapter nine with this paragraph that perfectly illustrates both sides of the struggle.

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Okay. You say, quote, Prepare for one of the worst analogies ever, which by the way, is a great way to start a chapter.

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You say, here goes. Protestants believe that justification and sanctification are like milk and cereal.

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They go together, but they don't mix. Catholics believe that justification and sanctification get put in a blender and become one big mushy thing.

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Then you end that paragraph by saying, Hey, I warned you. Now the vast majority of our listeners understand that works don't save you.

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But I think that many professing Christians lose sight of the importance of works after conversion.

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In the book, you talk about the justification only slope and the sanctification only slope and how we can avoid the ditches.

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Can you take a minute and unpack those ideas for us? Sure. Let me start with the one that most of us are guilty of.

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We're mostly the sanctification parents. Do your chores. Clean your room.

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Be nice to your sister. Honor your parents. Get cleaned up. Make sure you go to church. Don't cheat in school.

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And on and on and on the list goes. We want our kids to behave like Pharisees.

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Basically, we want the outside of the cup cleaned up more than anything. And so we forget about the doctrine of justification and we jump right into sanctification.

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And we're really forgetting the book of Romans. Consider, Paul, chapter one, you're condemned.

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You're doomed. You are terrible, wicked sinners. Number two, the law condemns you.

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Halfway through chapter three, he finally pivots around verse 23 or 27 and he starts launching into the glorious doctrine of justification for 57 verses.

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57 verses. Then when we finally get into chapter six, now he starts telling us how to live.

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And we see that pattern over and over again. The book of Colossians is that way. The book of Ephesians is that way.

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All of our sanctification must be rooted in the doctrine of justification. It must be the rocket fuel that launches us off of the lifting pad.

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It must be the thing that motivates us. It has all been done for us.

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When we disengage from justification, all right, they're cleaned up. They're going to heaven.

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Now do, do, do, do, do, do, do. What are we doing? We're loading the law on top of them, which is another chapter in the book.

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We load the law on them and all we're focusing on is sanctification and they have no motivation for doing it rightly.

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And so what do we do? We basically turn our kids into little Pharisees. So true.

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So true. And that's one of the things that is so easy to do because we see the outward appearance. God sees the heart, but because we see the outward appearance, we kind of make that the single most important thing that a person can ever be or do, which

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I think is tanking so much of our parenting because we end up not focusing on the heart as God commands us to.

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Well, what, what, okay. I talked about the point of parenting. It's the same thing with biblical counseling.

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Everybody thinks biblical counseling, if you're not familiar with it, well, it's how to help somebody not be angry, not be addicted to porn, to not be depressed.

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Well, yeah, that's, that's in there. But the goal of biblical counseling is to love the

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Lord more so that you desire Him and not the sinful thing, the lesser thing.

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Biblical counseling is about helping somebody see Jesus as the magnificent savior he is. Now tell me, clean your own, knock it off.

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Don't talk like that. Okay. All stuff that is appropriate, but it's just law, law, law and do, do, do.

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And by the time you're done, there's nothing about loving Jesus more. So here's typically what happens there. And you've probably seen this like a zillion times.

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The kid gets the outside of the cup cleaned up while mom and dad aren't looking because we think that they're our child's

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Holy Spirit. And so we're the ones that curb their behavior. We're the law. We're the ones who make sure that they perform rightly.

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But as soon as they leave your eyesight, whether it is in high school, middle school, basically when they hit puberty or when they run off to university, adios, mom and dad, because the brakes are off and they are off to sin city.

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Why? Because Christianity for them was not about loving Jesus more. It was about conforming to mom and dad's rules.

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And that is another easy ditch to fall into. We need to stop parenting and having our kids submit to us.

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They need to obey us. But ultimately, even as they obey us, they are obeying

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God. And so when our parenting is disengaged from theology, clean your room.

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Why? Because I said so. So what do they do? They clean their room. They hate you the entire time for it.

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And then when they go to university or get their own place, they never make their bed. Why? Because they never understood the

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Christian theology behind making your bed and having a clean room and being organized. All of our commands can be disengaged from justification.

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Honey, this is why you obey your parents, because you're actually obeying God. When you honor your mother, you're honoring

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God, the God who died for you. That's Christian parenting.

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It's reorienting the heart to love Jesus more, to see that our sanctification, while important, must be grounded in the doctrine of justification.

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Otherwise, I'm telling you, we're going to have some well -behaved kids for a season, but they will be off to sex, drugs, and rock and roll in a heartbeat when they are out of your eyesight and care.

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And it happens more than people like to admit. And you talk about that a lot in the book. You've spoken to a lot of kids in university who have backslidden.

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They've left the faith. Really, oftentimes, most of the time, they never were truly born again in the first place. And because of that, you see it so frequently.

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You see it as frequently as I do. But most people only interact primarily with their kids on this level, and they think that's never going to happen.

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But I had a terrible analogy come to my mind as you were talking. I thought to myself, if you take the things that you do for your wife, buying flowers or writing cute little notes, because I'm sure you do that type of thing all the time.

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If you start doing that for a complete stranger, those things aren't romantic anymore. Those things aren't.

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It's actually creepy. It's gross. It's, whoa, dude, you need to stop this. I don't even know who you are. And I think sometimes that's how we're encouraging our children to interact with Christ.

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They don't have a relationship with him. They don't truly love him. They don't want to please him and serve him.

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It's just get them flowers and write little notes and call them up out of the blue. But because that relationship's not there, none of it's real.

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None of it resonates. It's all being done for the wrong reason. Again, terrible analogy. But that kind of came to me because you're right.

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We see this all the time. Kids no longer underneath mom and dad's control. And they're like, oh, I can make my own choices now.

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And they make all of these choices. And the parents are like, what in the world? How did that happen? Well, it's because the child never truly, really believed in Christ, believed that they needed to worship and serve him.

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They were just doing what you told them to do to stay out of trouble most of the time. And now, since you're not lording it over them, they can make different decisions.

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And they're happy to do that. It's so powerful. And they do. They do. And what is it? 70 % of the kids, they go to university, they say bye -bye to the

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Jesus they never knew. If I could, Erin, and this is not to suggest that every engagement with our child should be a three -point alliterated sermon.

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But I'm thinking as a parent, I want my kids to love Jesus more.

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That's what I want more than anything. And that's what we all want. We just don't maybe know quite how to show that.

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So let me just suggest, as you're parenting, think in your engagements with your kids.

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I want them to love Jesus more. So now, dad, we'll use you. You come home from work, and you're expecting everything, everybody to be lined up in descending order of size and age, starting with your wife, who's all cleaned up and perfect, and she smells great.

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And the food, you can smell dinner in the kitchen. And the youngest, or the oldest to the youngest, are lined up to greet you when you come home.

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Father, we're so glad that you finally arrived. We've been longing all day for you to get here, but that is not what you greet.

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Instead, you pull into the garage, and you can hear the screaming before you get out of your car.

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And you're like, I just wanna come home some days. And I just want a little,

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I want my man cave, and I want some peace and quiet. And I wanna be greeted at the door with a kiss and some honor around here.

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And instead, shut up, ma 'am. And you're hearing everything is just out of control.

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You walk in, and your wife doesn't greet you with a kiss. She greets you with a laundry list of all of the horrible things that the kids have done today.

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Dad, you've got a decision. What are you gonna do? Are you going to try to get your kids to love

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Jesus more, or to just get it under control? We typically lean toward,

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I just, all right, you guys, off to your rooms. And then perhaps you charge up the stairs.

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The belt comes flying out, and you are gonna give them a little ho -ho -ho because you want some peace and quiet. All right, just consider what you've done.

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You're bigger, you're stronger, you're louder. You pay the bills. Basically, if you just spank them, you've bullied them.

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It's all you've done. Your might has calmed down the situation. And they fear you, not with an honoring fear, but like, oh, wait till dad gets home.

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You know, the words that strike terror in a child's heart. But now imagine, all right, I want my kids to love

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Jesus more. How do I deal with this now? You're probably at least initially gonna put your belt away.

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Now you can sit down with each child or even together, and you could try something like this.

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You know, I'm gonna tell you a story, don't groan, but I'm gonna tell you a story about your dad, me.

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When I was in, I think it was fifth grade, sixth grade, something like that. My mom was being really on us a lot.

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She was under a lot of pressure raising three boys. She had named at least one of them with a really bad middle name.

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So he was getting beat up a lot, especially when he wore his saddle shoes. And she was just kind of on me.

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And one day I looked at your grandmother, my mother, and I told her to just shut up.

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I just said, shut up. Can you imagine that, that I would say that to your grandmother?

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Do you know why I'm telling you that kids? Because I just came home today and I understand that's how you were treating your mom today.

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I get it, I understand. You know what you got sitting here, kids?

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You got yourself a room full of sinners. I'm a sinner, you're a sinner.

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We need Jesus, don't we? We need forgiveness for our sins of dishonoring our parents, don't we? So here's what's going to happen here.

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The rule of the house is you never get to dishonor your mother. Corporal punishment, you know that.

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And it's just a little reminder of the sting of sin. And that if we commit sins and we don't have forgiveness in Jesus Christ, we are going to be spanked for eternity.

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So this is a taste of that. And so when I'm done administering that corporal punishment, we're going to pray together.

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And then I'm going to let you go and you can go talk to your mom if you want. How's about that? Now, that's different.

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That is an entirely different scenario. And while every situation does not lend itself to that, it is doable.

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Yes, it is. You're in the minivan, you're in the store. You've got to be thinking, how do

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I help my kids love Jesus more? Now, did I say you never spank your kids? I did not say that. It's administered differently.

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It's administered with love. It's perhaps administered with tears because it's just one sinner helping another sinner see their need for the savior.

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That's Christian parenting. And it's harder. And it takes more love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self -control.

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And so Christian parenting, it's going to grow you in holiness and it's going to help your kids love Jesus more so that when they graduate, run off to university, they still love him.

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And I know that is the goal of every Christian parent. Amen. Amen. Well, for me, chapter seven was like, the chapter seven reset, you don't have a lot of homework and questions and whatnot at the end of each chapter.

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You just have this little reset. And the one at the end of chapter seven was really impactful for me. It said, if you are responsible for creating a do -do -do

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Christian, that's what we've been talking about this whole time, just getting my kids to conform, but also responsible for creating a bruised read

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Christian or a second class Christian, stop it and rescue them. And obviously you explain those categories in the chapter, but I realized another beautiful reality of this book is just the balance you present.

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And I think you've done that just now. In one chapter, a reader could take the chapter and take your instruction and go to an extreme.

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But then the next chapter addresses how the reader may have taken the previous one too far and then pulls them back to center. And it just does this great job of pushing and dragging and forcing us to stop being so extreme in our theological swings.

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And you present what appear to be just two sides of parenting, when in actuality, they're the same thing.

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It's just, like you said, it's biblical parenting. It's not this one extreme over here or this one extreme over here.

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It's both of them working together as God created them in our parenting. You have the loving, tender talking, but you also have the necessary consequences.

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You have all of these things working together, as you said, to help our children love God more. That is the beautiful tension of parenting.

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And that's really, I think, what this book does such a great job putting out there for us. And this is why I wanna just encourage everyone to get a copy of this book and to read it because I need a reset.

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Todd needed a reset. I use this book frequently in my counseling when I'm working, well, now that I've read it, now that I'm working with parents because we all need various resets.

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And this one deals with so many that are so valuable for us. So I really appreciate your time today.

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I appreciate your passion, the wisdom you've shared with us. I thank you for submitting to God and writing this book in the first place.

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I thank you for the work you're doing at Wretched. And if our audience wants to see what you're doing, see what your other books are, what you're involved in, watch your videos, where's the best place for them to go?

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Just go to wretched .org. You can see as much as you can stomach thousands of hours of TV and radio there.

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Wretched .org, make sure you check that out. We'll have the links on Todd's special guest page as well as in the description of this episode.

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Okay, before we go though, hold it, hold it, hold it. I'm waiting. Do you know how you upfront?

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You caused me some pain and suffering. A little bit. You embarrassed me.

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All right, right behind me. Look, I don't know if you can hear. You know what that is?

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Yeah. Hold on, this is, that's all real stuff. Yeah, so it's -

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Turn around and tap your wood wall there. Go ahead, give that a little tap. You mean my real, extra expensive mahogany wood just -

28:06

Yeah, go ahead. You can hear that, right? Right, you hear that sound? Yeah.

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It's all smoke and mirrors. What are you talking about? That's quality. Goodness gracious.

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All right, ladies and gentlemen, you have a new parenting book that you need to purchase and more wood for your homes.

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So click on the link in the description or go to truthloveparent .com forward slash Todd -Friel.

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I don't know what the middle name is. It's just T -O -D -D -F -R -I -E -L. Buy Todd's book using our

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Amazon affiliate links. Here's why. Anytime you make a purchase using our Amazon links, you earn a commission for TLP.

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You'll greatly benefit from reading Reset for Parents. Your kids will benefit. Mr. Friel will benefit from your purchase and Truth Love Parent will also benefit.

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It's a win, win, win, win, win. Like I said, I really enjoy hanging out with Todd and I pray our conversation was a challenge for you.

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Sometimes we just need to stop and really see our parenting through God's eyes. And I believe that this book will help us to ask a lot of really good questions.

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Please share this episode on your favorite social media outlets and join us next time as we once again open God's word to discover how to parent our children for life and godliness.

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To that end, we'll be discussing the fact that your kids don't understand the gospel and what you can do about it.

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Truth Love Parent is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you worship

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God through your parenting. So join us next time as we study God's word to learn how to parent our children for life and godliness.

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And remember that TLP is a listener supported ministry. You can visit truthloveparent .com forward slash donate to learn more.