Preparing for Divorce

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Welcome to No Compromise Radio, a ministry coming to you from Bethlehem Bible Church in West Boylston.
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No Compromise Radio is a program dedicated to the ongoing proclamation of Jesus Christ based on the theme in Galatians 2, verse 5, where the
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Apostle Paul said, But we did not yield in subjection to them for even an hour, so that the truth of the gospel would remain with you.
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In short, if you like smooth, watered -down words to make you simply feel good, this show isn't for you.
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By purpose, we are first biblical, but we can also be controversial. Stay tuned for the next 25 minutes as we're called by the divine trumpet to summon the troops for the honor and glory of her
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King. Here's our host, Pastor Mike Abendroth. Welcome to NoCompromiseRadio .com,
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No Compromise Radio. I'm talking here today, I started talking yesterday about practical things,
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I mean straight out of the Bible, but practical things that every Christian should know, every Christian should implement.
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And, you know, I'm feeling pretty grandfatherly, I don't know about the wise part, but, you know, things that I've learned in life and things that I've tried to implement in my own home and that I just think are very, very practical day -to -day things.
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And I was talking yesterday, I finished with a quote from Kistemacher, just about how a father in the home must exercise his authority with his children in such a manner that the father's firmness makes it advisable for a child to obey.
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Let me ask you this, when you were growing up, and I know for 98 % of you this is going to be true, did you ever think it was advisable for you to disobey your father?
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I mean, I think about my own home. My dad, I mean, just physically imposing,
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I mean, he was 6 '7", he was a cop, you know, I guess that sort of runs in the family, and just a very nice man.
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But I would have just never thought about physically confronting him, about arguing with him in any way, because he was my dad, you know, it's just not something you do.
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And yet, you know, we see today children wanting to challenge their father, getting in their father's faces, even, you know, physically confronting him, and I just,
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I shake my head. I don't even know what to make of that. How could that be? You know, kids wanting to physically fight with their mom, so you just go,
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I mean, I see this on TV, and you just go, how has this happened? How has this become acceptable in our society today?
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Parents go to, you know, have their kids taken out of their home for spanking their children, and yet the children can assault their parents, and there's no issue.
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Listen, there needs to be a structure. Kids need to know where they fit into that structure.
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Kismacher goes on to say that a father's wisdom must make it natural for a child to obey.
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You know, one of the things I just would stress over and over with my kids is that I would discipline them, but then
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I would talk to them about why I was doing it. Obviously they didn't always agree, but you know what, you're not in a position as a father or a mother to really,
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A, have an argument, and B, lose an argument. In other words, you're not on equal footing, and people need to just get that out of their minds.
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When you sit down with your child, I don't care if your child's three or your child's 13 or 18, if they're living under your roof, there can't be any kind of, now can there be a give and take where they kind of get to put forth their ideas?
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Maybe, under some circumstances, maybe there's something that you need to hear and kind of take into account, but ultimately you, you, the parent are responsible, they're not responsible, and you need to take that responsibility seriously.
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You know, you've lived life a lot longer than they have, and the things that make sense to them, you know, gee, your 14 year old daughter comes in and says, well,
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I'd really like to go out on dates. I don't care how much you want to go out on dates. Well, this boy really likes me.
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If I don't go out with him, he's not going to like me anymore. Too bad. Boo hoo. Here, let me just give you this.
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As a parent, well, I'll just tell you, as a child, I grew up and my parents let me go out on dates when
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I was 16 because that was the acceptable age. You got to go out on dates when you were 16. You couldn't go out on dates till you were 16.
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But after that, you know, it was no holds barred. See when you get home, you know, or have her home by 1130 or whatever, you know,
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I mean, there were just rules. Well, why 16? What's magical about that? What changed from the time
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I was 15 and 364 days and 16? Did I get any smarter?
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Did I become more mature? Was I closer to being ready for marriage? And the answer to all those questions is no,
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I wasn't ready for any of that. And again, we're on NoCompromiseRadio .com
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and I'm just talking about some of the things I learned during the course of my life. And so when my kids were of those ages,
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I would just look at them and I'd say, oh, I know what you want to do. Let me just, and I know you have no intention of doing anything, you know, against biblical standards, but let me just explain to you that I don't think you need to date.
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And here's why I don't think you need to date, because you're not ready to get married. That young man or that young woman that you want to go out with is not ready to get married.
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They're in no position to, if it's a young man to support you, if it with my son, if it was a young woman to, you know, really you're in no position to support a wife.
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So why would we just let you go out and just kind of see what happens? Why put you in a place where you could potentially fall into sin and just kind of hope that you won't and that you'll stay pure until the day you get married?
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That just makes no sense. Just because the world is, you know, it's like my mom used to say, you know, well, yeah, you know,
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Billy gets to do X, Y, and Z. Well, if Billy got to jump off a cliff, do you think I'd let you do that too? Same kind of thing.
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Listen, just because people are going out younger and younger, just because people are, I mean, doing whatever they do, does that make it right?
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Well, you know, all the girls at school wear blank, blank, blank. Great. You're not every girl at school.
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When you leave this house, I expect you to be covered up. And when I see you outside of this house, if I go by the school,
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I expect to see you all covered up. You know, there's another thing. Let me just tell you about teenagers. Here's a rule, a thumb
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I had. I adopted this from President Reagan. Trust, but verify. Trust, but verify.
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Your kids may leave your home in one state of clothing and wind up in another state of clothing.
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Your kids may say that they're leaving the house for X and guess what? You're going to find out they're in Y. Remember one time
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I caught one of my children, I won't rat him or her out, but they told me where they were going and I was going somewhere else and I wound up seeing them clear across town from where they said they were going.
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And I know after that point, they pretty much thought I could read minds or I had some kind of either omniscience or omnipresence.
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But there is nothing. I mean, do your kids deserve to be trusted?
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Well, I don't know. Depends on the kid. You know, they have to earn trust. They don't just automatically get it.
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You know, here's another one. I mean, I'm just kind of prattling on, but these are things that you will hear. Well, don't you trust me?
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Well, you know what? Yes and no. Why no?
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Because Jeremiah 17 9 says the heart is deceitful above all else. It's sick.
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You know, you may even believe what you're telling me, but as soon as you leave this house, your heart may convince you to do something else.
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I can't trust you any more than I would trust myself at your age. And I know what
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I was like at your age. But I mean, listen, every kid is going to disobey at some point.
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The question is the degree to which they disobey. I trusted my kids implicitly until they left the house.
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And then it was, you know, let's see what they do. You know, what are some more practical things?
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You know, I cannot stress enough. You know, our daughters were so blessed while they were in high school to just have a couple of great friends, the
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Taylor girls, Amanda and Emily, and, you know, their godly parents.
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And to just know that when they were over there, they were just as safe as they were when all four of the girls were at our house.
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It was just a blessing. And to think, you know, I mean, I'd go to the football games with my girls and, you know, there were the
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Taylor girls and maybe Mr. Taylor, Mike Taylor. And those were just precious and sweet times.
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But you just you have to keep tabs on your kids.
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You just have to. This world is made to, I mean, it encourages rebellion in our kids and we have to know what our kids are doing.
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We are accountable for that and we have to be wise about it. Now, I also wanted to say some things that I kind of learned along the way about marriage.
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Listen, I mean, this is just kind of Steve unplugged today and no compromise radio, no compromise radio dot com and just kind of giving you some things that I've learned.
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And even in my own life and in counseling and these things, some of these things you'll just go, well, this is just common sense.
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Everybody should know this. But a lot of people don't. And how do I know that?
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Because I hear it all the time, you know, people are just stunned when I when I say this to them.
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I'm going to call this a little part of the message here, preparing for divorce. And you say, why would you call it that?
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Because people people live according to, you know, just what they know. And when they come in,
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I'm like, well, no wonder you're having marriage problems. You know, this is completely wrong. You guys are doing this all wrong.
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And they look at me and they go, well, what you say makes sense. But I'd never thought of it. Here's one. You're married.
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And, you know, you have financial trouble. And the first question I have is, do you have a budget?
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Well, you know, they they kind of look around and they go, well, you know, yeah.
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I mean, we we know how much we the the rant is and we know how much we know.
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Do you have a written budget? Do you know?
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Well, if you're hemming and hawing, the answer is no, you don't have one.
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Some other people say, well, we do have one. But, you know, sometimes this that and the other thing. Well, let me tell you right now, if you have a written budget that you don't follow, you don't have a budget.
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But you don't understand emergencies come along. Yes, I do. I do understand. And I live just like you for the longest period of time.
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And then I say, you know what one of the leading causes of divorce in this country is, even among Christians?
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Money. Money. People fight about money.
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Now, let's talk about how not to fight over money. There's a great book by Dave Ramsey.
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It's called Total Money Makeover. You know, I started reading and I realized that even during my parents' marriage, things changed a lot.
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I mean, they went from paying cash for everything until, you know, now I don't know that they are, you know, towards their later years.
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I don't know that they paid cash for anything. Everything just seemed to go on credit. I mean, that's probably an exaggeration, but it just seemed like everything was going on credit.
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Well, what changed? The whole mentality of this country changed. So listen, if you don't have a budget, then you are asking for trouble.
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One of the first things Ramsey talks about is having an emergency fund.
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And he talks about setting a thousand dollars aside. And people are like, well, where would I get that? Well, what you do is, if you have to, pay your minimum on your credit cards for a few months.
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And set aside that $1 ,000. Now for my wife and I, it had to be more than that because our expenses just typically run more than that.
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A thousand dollars is a good place to start though. Get the thousand dollars set aside. And you say, why is that so important?
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Because, let me tell you why it's so important. Because it eliminates all the, but you don't understand.
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Emergencies come up. Okay. You have an emergency. Well, now you've got a thousand dollar fund to take care of that emergency and it doesn't have to go back on the credit card.
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And after you pay that thousand dollars or that $2 ,000, whatever it is, you know, then you go back and you start saving that money again.
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Because the goal is to get out of debt. Ramsey rightly points out that the Bible talks about that as long as you owe somebody money, you basically are their slave.
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You have to do what they say. So the objective is to get out of debt. You want to get out of debt and you can only do that by having a budget.
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It is amazing to me. How many people argue about money? Now here's another little thing, and this is a small thing, or it seems like a small thing because people say, well, we have a budget, but we still fight about money.
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Well, why is that? Well, because we disagree on what we spend the money on. Okay. You know what?
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I have a solution for that too. It's called an allowance, but we're too old to have an allowance.
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Hang on for a second. Have a budget and each of you gets an allowance that the other person can't say, well, why'd you spend that?
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You know, why did you buy that? There needs to be money in your budget for everything. There needs to be money in your budget for gasoline, for clothing, for going out.
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Yes, going out. A husband and wife who never date are asking for trouble.
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Trust me on that. I remember a wise man once saying to me, even while I was in seminary and working 48, 56 hours a week, he'd say, how often you date?
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Seemed like an odd question, but there has to be a continuing effort at the marriage.
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It can't just be, you know, well, we're married. What do you expect? We just rent a movie every now and then, and we're fine with that.
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No, no, no. You need to go out. It needs to be a constant courtship. Especially, let me tell you something, especially wives, you know, guys are just like, well, you know, it's cool.
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What else do I need? Your wife has needs beyond what you do most of the time.
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You know, it is good for her to feel like she's still the girl that you were dating, that you still have that kind of interest in her.
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So back to the budget, talking about allowances. Let's say you don't make that much money.
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Let's say your allowance is $20 a month. Let's say it's $25, $50, $100 a month.
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You can take that money and spend it on whatever you want. And so, you know, for me, maybe it's like I take my money over a period of months and I save it and I save it and I save it.
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And then eventually guess what? I get to upgrade my computer. I get to buy some really new, cool piece of stereo equipment that my wife would never agree to.
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I get to do whatever it is that I, that, you know, my hobbies drive me to do because guys do have hobbies.
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And my wife can't say, you know, why have you done this? Because the money was in the budget. It was, you know, my allowance.
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I scrimped and saved for however many months it was. And now there it is. Or I bought, you know, the latest
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CD by whoever, you know, or I wanted to get this movie on DVD.
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Well, good for me. I got it. And it was in my allowance. So what's the issue?
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We've already agreed that we each get an allowance. You know, she wanted to go buy a new dress that was $200.
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And you just think, what a waste of money. Well, you know what? It was in her allowance. She saved for all that time.
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And now she's going to look really nice when you go on that date while you're wearing blue jeans and a t -shirt. Look, it is, it is important.
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Why? Because you just need to take that off the table as an issue to argue about. I mean, nothing so crimps a marriage as financial trouble.
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I mean, what do you do? What do you wind up doing? You wind up thinking about it at night. You know, I mean, even couples have phone calls from bill collectors or people want to repossess their car or whatever.
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Listen, that will tear your marriage apart. You can't have it. This has to be something that you work on.
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Another thing, you know, new young couples come in and they talk to me and I go, well, what kind of budget do you have?
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And they go, well, you know, she gives this much towards the budget and I give this much. And I look at them and I go, wait a minute, you guys have separate accounts?
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Well, yeah, we both came into the marriage with separate accounts. Separate accounts. That is what
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I call preparing for divorce. Why would a married couple who both love the Lord keep their money separately?
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If you do that, it's kind of like having one foot out the door because everybody knows what happens in a divorce scenario.
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You know, one person, you know, decides they want a divorce and they secretly empty out all the accounts.
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They charge up all the credit cards and leave the other person holding the bag. So to protect yourself, you have separate accounts.
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Oh, come on, people. It really is preparing for divorce.
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You are one flesh. One flesh means more than just that you sleep together at night.
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There are a lot of implications. And one is that everything that you have belongs to one another.
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You have a oneness that extends beyond the mere physical into your financial, your spiritual, everything.
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And believe it or not, finances is a spiritual issue. I know Pastor Mike has said this before, but what you do with your money reflects what your heart shows.
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And so when you kind of have those separate bank accounts, what you're really saying is, what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours.
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I don't really trust you. Well, you need to. You need to. If you're listening to me today and you have separate bank accounts, please stop.
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Please sit down, talk about this, work it out, put your bank accounts back together or, you know, put them together for the first time.
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Sit down and make out a budget. Give yourselves both an allowance, but understand that you want to please the
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Lord in all you do. You know, and I know that there are a lot of people, let's talk about budgets for a little bit longer. There are people who sit down and here's what they do.
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They look at their bills. They look at, you know, their rent or mortgage, they look at their car payments, they look at all this stuff, their credit card bills and everything else.
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And then they figure out their food, you know, how much they're going to get for allowance and da -da -da -da -da.
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And they subtract everything possible, all their medical, you know, expenses, whatever they're going to do for the month.
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And then they go, okay, we've got $37 .29. Let's put $20 in savings.
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And then we're going to have $17 .29 that we'll give to the church. Wrong. The Bible says
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God loves a cheerful giver. And, you know, the implication throughout the New Testament isn't about tithing.
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It's about sacrificial giving. I've said this before. I'll say it again. If you, you know, people say tithing 10%, well, that's an
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Old Testament idea. But if you're making, if you're a family of four, you make $30 ,000 a year and you're giving 10 % of your gross income, can
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I just say you're giving too much? Is that weird? If you make $300 ,000 a year and you're giving 10%, you're not giving enough.
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So, I mean, somewhere between that, I mean, it needs to hurt a little bit. It can't be the last item in your budget.
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You can't just, you know, have all your needs met, your high -speed internet and everything else, and then just kind of go, well, you know what?
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Okay, now the Lord can have his. Figure out some way of sacrificing a little bit.
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Maybe you don't go out as often. Maybe you have a little bit less nice of a car. Maybe you only have one car for a while, whatever you need to do.
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But you just, if you put the Lord first, look, God will bless that when you, when you tell the
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Lord by how you budget that he's not a priority, I don't know how you can expect his blessing in your life.
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Again, this is NoCompromiseRadio .com. Let's talk about a few other things. I want to talk about communication, just in terms of preparing for divorce.
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You know what? I really struggled when I first got saved. I mean, I was known, and I know this will be hard for you to believe that, you know, just listen to me a little bit, but I was known for being quick -witted, sarcastic.
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We used to do things on the sheriff's department called, you know, slam fest, where we would just insult one another.
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And, you know, who could ever come up with the most cutting remark was kind of the winner. I was pretty good.
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In fact, I would go so far as to say I was probably ranked in the top 10. You know, I was a champion cutter.
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Well, here's the problem. You can't shut that off. If you practice that at work, you're going to practice that at home.
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And you know what the truth is? James talks about the tongue and how difficult it is to control.
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If you do that at home, if you say something like that to your wife, you can't take that back.
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And that is, you know, as much as finances, that is going to drive a wedge between you and you can't say nasty things to your spouse.
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I don't care if you're a wife who says that to her husband. I don't care if you're a husband who says that to your wife.
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You can't say those kinds of things and then expect everything to be hunky -dory when you go to bed because it's not going to be.
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And it's these kind of things, you know, I talked about money and what a cause of divorce that is. The other big issue is sex.
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People stop communicating. They don't talk and they stop having relations. And guess what?
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That leads to divorce too. Your relationship with your spouse begins when you get up in the morning and it does not stop.
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Even when you leave the house, it does not stop until you go to sleep at night. You need to be working on the closeness, on the unity, on the oneness of that relationship 24 -7, whether it's at work.
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I mean, no one should hear you say at work anything negative about your wife. Or if you work, no one should hear you say anything negative about your husband.
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You know, you think, well, I'm going to go into work and I'm going to say things about my husband because my girlfriends will support me.
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Well, yes, they will. And pretty soon, just like Job was surrounded by ungodly counsel, you'll be surrounded by ungodly counsel.
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And they'll be telling you how bad your husband is, questioning why you would ever listen to him, why you would ever submit to him, even though the
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Bible says to do that. And you'll be thinking, I deserve better than this. I'm going to leave my husband.
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And it's going to have an impact in every aspect of your life. You cannot, you know, talk junk about your wife at work and come home and just lie to her and tell her how great you think she is.
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You're not going to be able to do that on a consistent basis. So don't do it. Whatever issues there are between the two of you, you need to deal with them immediately.
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Don't let the sun set on your anger. Don't let things fester between you.
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If something bothers you about your wife, I don't care how minuscule it might seem. If something bothers you about your husband, you know, if you think he just, if he leaves his clothes laying around all over the place or your wife never replaces the toilet paper, whatever the issue is, however small it might seem, it doesn't have to be in the form of a complaint.
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But you just go, you know what, honey, I love you, but there's something going on and I just want to talk to you about it.
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And can we just resolve this so that we can move on? Don't let even the smallest things fester.
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Deal with them. I mean, if you have a little cut on your hand and it starts getting infected, you don't ignore it.
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You deal with it. And it's just like that in a marriage. You want to, you absolutely want to handle it.
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But more than anything else, I would just encourage you to control your tongue. Think before you speak.
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That sounds so simple, but you know how many problems that would solve if people would just do that? NoCompromiseRadio .com,
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please send us your emails. Thank you and God bless. No Compromise Radio with Pastor Mike Abendroth is a production of Bethlehem Bible Church in West Boylston.
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Bethlehem Bible Church is a Bible teaching church firmly committed to unleashing the life transforming power of God's Word through verse by verse exposition of the sacred text.
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The thoughts and opinions expressed on No Compromise Radio do not necessarily reflect those of WVNE, its staff or management.