Worship Music Pitch Meeting - 7

So, you have another ministry we can monetize?

Yes, sir, I do. I was thinking we'd monetize worship music. Oh, I love singing praises to money.

What? I said I love singing praises to God. It sounded like you said you love singing praises to money.

There's no way I would ever say such a thing. Well, I hope it wasn't a Freudian slip. Well, if it was, whoops.

Whoopsie. Anyway, so you want to monetize worship music. Isn't that taking things a little too far?

Not at all, sir. You see, people need motivation to write these beautiful songs. And the only thing that will motivate people to do things for God is money?

Exactly, sir. It's a well -known fact that no one has ever done anything for any other reason than money.

What about raising children? Money. And marriage? Always money, of course. So, you're saying that our motivation in ministry should always and only be money?

Doesn't everyone believe that? I mean, it keeps things nice and simple, and the Bible makes it clear.

How so? Don't you remember what the letter to the Hebrews says? For the joy of the paycheck set before him, he endured the cross, despising the shame.

That does sound like the Bible. But are you sure it says it exactly like that? There's literally no way for me to check that.

And it's even in the Ten Commandments. Honor your father and mother so that it may go well with you and so that you will be financially compensated all the days of your life.

Well, okay then. I guess that settles it. It does, sir. Nothing of value in the kingdom will ever be done or produced unless money is the main motivator.

It just works. And whatever is most expedient is always God's way.

So how do we monetize all the worship music? Well, first we convince talented artists that they need us to make their ministry sustainable and successful, and then take ownership of their songs, and lock them all down with copyright, and start selling albums and downloads, and we can even auction off the rights to really popular songs or catalogs to the highest bidder as investment opportunities.

Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. And then we start a company that charges all churches a subscription fee in exchange for the rights to sing those songs to God.

And if they don't pay, we sue them for copyright infringement. So we'll basically have passive income forever.

And they'll have to report to us every song they sing each week, even ones we don't own.

It'll be like 1984, except for The Worship of God. Yeah, that was a good year.

Yeah. But I bet it's going to be really hard to convince people to go along with all this. I mean, there's a lot of freedom lovers out there, and this is the sacred worship of the creator of the universe we're talking about here.

Well, actually, it's going to be super easy, barely an inconvenience. Oh, really? Yeah, we just pull out the big biblical guns and invoke one of the most powerful verses known to man, blessed is the ox who treadeth unmuzzled in the grain.

Mic drop, no debate. The Bible really does support our righteous acts in such poetic ways.

It sure does, sir. In my home, we have a beautiful plaque on the wall that says in calligraphy, as for me and my house, no beast of burden shall have a muzzled snout when laboring upon cereal grains.

I got it from my wife last Christmas. Did she love it? She sure did, sir. She said, my beating heart melts like honey trickling down a silver spoon into steaming chai at the mere glimpse of this divine gift.

Oh, sweetest gift giver, maker of all my wildest dreams manifest. How can mere words capture the boundless bliss that washes over my spirit like a heavenly chorus?

I shall enshrine this above my holiest altar, beholden forevermore to its wise and wonderful bestower whose refined taste stretches past the farthest reaches of time.

That is how women talk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So going back to the company we'll use to cash in on giving people permission to use our songs in worship, what do we call it?

CCLI. And that stands for Christian Capitalists Lovin' It. Really?

Nah, I'm just messing with you. Oh good, here I thought it was going to be something classy like cash, cash, loads of it.

You know, that actually might not be a bad idea. Well, just so long as it doesn't stand for Careless Christians Lacking Integrity, even though it might be true.

Nah, not to worry. It actually stands for Commodifying Christ Legally International.

Brilliant. Thank you, sir. And the international part is important because we want to make sure that no matter where in the world people sing translated versions of our songs without our permission, they'll be breaking the law.

Yeah, but are you sure that all those impoverished underground churches in the 1040 window really need the threat of a lawsuit added to their list of concerns when they're gathered together to sing praises to the

Lord? Not at all. Look at it this way. We'll be giving them the sacred opportunity of participating in a beautiful revenue stream, and if they fail to pay us out of ignorance,

God will overlook it. I mean, we'll still sue them, but at least they'll be okay with God.

Yeah, but don't you think it might come across as a bit petty and greedy to do all this to people who are already poor and persecuted?

Listen, sir, I'm going to need you to get all the way off my back about love, mercy, justice, kindness, goodness, gentleness, or joy, peace, patience, faith, and self -control for that matter.

Okay, let me get off of that thing. Besides, it's not like it's our fault these Christians are persecuted.

And CCLI will unify the global church under this banner of paying us subscription fees.

It's actually a really beautiful thing that conjures up visions of the new heavens and new earth as that old spiritual goes,

And they'll know we are Christians by our copyright restrictions.

That reminds me of the hymn my granny used to sing to me. For out of his limited riches in Jesus, he selleth and selleth and selleth again.

Yep, and that's all we're trying to do in the end, reflect the heart of our amazing God. Well, I guess it's time to call up Christianity Today and let them know that they can write a celebration piece in honor of our ingenuity and innovation in this area.

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