Running Your Household Well

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Paul said, but we did not yield in subjection to them for even an hour, so that the truth of the gospel would remain with you.

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By purpose, we are first biblical, but we can also be controversial. Stay tuned for the next 25 minutes as we're called by the divine trumpet to summon the troops for the honor and glory of her king.

Here's our host, Pastor Mike Abendroth. Well, happy Tuesday to you, wherever you may be.

This is Steve Cooley, and this is No Compromise Radio. Pastor Mike is on vacation, and he, in a weak moment, decided to give me a few episodes all to myself.

And I thought what I might talk about today is something that I think I spend an inordinate amount of time talking about, but usually not from the pulpit, usually not from the microphone, but usually in my office doing counseling and talking to people in their home about these very things.

And I'm going to be talking about Christian living in the home. It's a book by Jay Adams, a book that I find very valuable.

Again, Christian Living in the Home, put out by PNR. Mine is so old,

I look at the furniture on it, I'm going, I think that furniture must have looked dated even in the 70s.

But anyway, and the chapter, particular chapter I wanted to focus on was loving leadership, and it has to do with men.

And the idea is from Ephesians 5, talking about husbands loving their wives as Christ loves his church.

Let me, Ephesians 5 .25. Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

And I think, I mean, he goes beyond that. He's talking about a number of issues in the home. And I thought I would just read portions of it and just talk about how it practically manifests itself.

And really what I want to do is if I can counsel a few hundred people at the same time, that would be great. I would really love that.

That way y 'all won't have to come into my office at the same time, because my office isn't that big. But let me get to the point here.

On page 90 of his book, he says this, the husband is responsible for everything that happens in his home.

Nothing must go on in the home of which he is not aware. Nothing should happen to his children over which he does not have surveillance and indeed the final say.

Those are some pretty absolute terms. Nothing, nothing, nothing. And let me tell you the truth.

There's nothing wrong with what he said. Listen, you're the husband, you are responsible.

Does that mean you have to do every single thing? No, and a lot of those things you're going to delegate to your wife.

Some of those things you're going to entrust to your children as they get older, they're going to be able to do things for themselves. But I talked to far too many families where the husband, his goal is to get home from work.

He's exhausted. He's just driven home. He's just spent a whole day getting battered by customers or his boss or some combination of the two of them.

And all he wants to do is just unwind, eat dinner and relax, go to sleep and then do the same thing all over.

Well, the next day, here's the problem. The problem is the family doesn't run on autopilot.

There has never been a Christian family in history that has successfully run on autopilot.

And what do I mean by that? Well, if the pilot, the husband, isn't running the household, if he's not flying the plane, so to speak, then the home is on autopilot and things get done on their own and things don't get done in the best possible way.

And eventually someday the father's going to say, well, I didn't know that was happening. I have news for you.

If you're listening today and you're a father or you would like to be a father, it is your job to know what's going on in your home.

And to have ultimately some control over it. And I say some control because there are some things over which you won't have perfect control because you're dealing with individuals and they will make bad decisions and they will do things that you don't like.

And when they do that, well, then there needs to be a little bit of reckoning. But I just want to focus on what he said there.

He said, nothing should happen to the children over which he does not have surveillance and indeed the final say.

So true. And I think, you know, I've talked about this before. I don't know if you've ever heard me say this, but my idea of childbearing is basically this way.

In the beginning, it's all hands -on. It's, you know, mom and dad tell you what to do. And if the child doesn't obey, well, then there need to be consequences.

But as the child grows into, I don't, well, what they call adolescence into young adulthood, you know, as they get to be 11, 12, 13, 14, and they get a little bit older, well, it's a gradual scale and you start giving them more decision -making.

And I don't even want to say autonomy because that's, there are just too many implications of that word.

But they're going to get more and more say in what happens in their life. And you're going to take more and more of their feedback and you're going to care more and more about what they have to say.

And here's my point. My point is, it's kind of more of a discipleship relationship over time than it is just simply mom and dad telling them what to do.

And you want to see the results of that. But back to what he said, you should know what your kids are doing.

They should feel accountable to you. And I think so many parents so often get to an age with their kids where they're just like, you know what,

I don't know what to do with them anymore. They're not little kids. I don't feel like I can tell them what to do. And so it's hands off.

And that's when your kids are going to get into trouble. You can't just let them go.

You can't just, I frankly kind of lived in a house like this where there reached a certain point where my mom didn't know what to say anymore.

And so I just got to do whatever I wanted. And the results of that are not the best.

Your imprint on your kids, moms and dads, needs to be this. I need to, it's kind of like feedback.

I watch them. I give them responsibility. They do well.

I give them more responsibility. They don't do well. Then, you know what, maybe they're 15 or 16 or whatever, then

I talk to them. Maybe there have to be some, there has to be some consequences, whatever those are.

And then we go through the loop again. Because really the essence of it, you have to prepare your kids to make decisions on their own, to live life on their own, to be able to do laundry for themselves, to cook for themselves, to shop for themselves.

They need to know how to do these things. And they can't do them, they don't learn how to do them in a vacuum.

That's what parents are for, right? In the beginning, it's all, I'll just say law. You know, you're laying down the law.

And then as time goes on, they have more and more responsibility, more and more accountability to you.

And that's the way it is. That's why I call it more of a discipleship. But listen to what he says here.

Same paragraph. He says, the head of the home must control his home, including his wife. What does he mean by that?

You know, what is that? You have to dominate your wife? You have to be domineering? You have to tell her what to do, boss her around? No, no.

And this is really where I want to spend most of my time, because the biggest problem in homes today is the relationship between the husband and the wife.

I mean, the kids find the kids. If the relationship between the husband and wife is not good,

I can promise you, the relationship between the parents and the children is not going to be good.

I can absolutely guarantee you that. So back to Ephesians 5 .25. Love your wives as Christ loved the church.

That is an impossible standard. Jesus Christ is perfect. Husbands are not perfect.

So then, how are we to do that? Well, we're called to perfection. We're called to that standard.

But there's some other things. What does the Bible say about being a husband? Well, it says that you need to live with your wife in an understanding way.

Well, listen, if you just order your wife around, if you just kind of tell her what to do and treat her like a child, first of all, that's not understanding.

Secondly, she's not going to appreciate it very much. Thirdly, you're going to find that your relationship is not going to be very affectionate.

She is going to not really like you treating her like a child, like an employee, whatever.

Listen, when it says, when the Bible says to live with your wife in an understanding way, understanding that she is the weaker vessel, it's not talking about her physical strength.

It's talking about there's a difference in the makeup between men and women. And I promise you this,

I can guarantee you, I could sit down with husbands and wives anywhere in the world.

And if I say, you know, what was your last argument about? The odds are really good, unless it was the last day or two, the husband can't remember.

The wife can remember every single detail. And maybe some details that didn't even happen, but she remembers it all.

Well, why is that? It's because men and women are different. And so I think when the Bible says she's a weaker vessel, it's talking about there are emotions, there are just some things that women deal with differently than men, and it doesn't make it worse, it just means that they're different.

And if you don't look at your wife and think she's different than me, I need to treat her differently than I want to be treated, then there's something wrong with you.

There needs to be a thoughtfulness to your relationship with your wife that maybe it doesn't come naturally to you.

And I think that's why it's commanded. Look, what does the Bible say? The Bible says that women need to submit to their husbands.

Well, why is that? Because it doesn't come naturally. It tells men how to treat their wives.

Well, why is that? It's because it doesn't come naturally. Our natural inclination, quite frankly, and I can say this as a husband, is to be lazy, is to not be so concerned about my wife after all.

She's already my wife, what do I have to do? Well, what I need to do is live with her in an understanding way.

What I need to do is love her as Christ of the Church, and what that really means is I need to be in tune with what she's thinking, what she's saying, how she's feeling.

Look, hey guys, here's the news bulletin for you. If your wife hasn't talked to you for like four or five hours and you've been in the same house together, there might be something wrong.

You might want to check on that. And you know what? I say a lot of these things from experience.

Listen, I can promise you, before we got saved, my relationship with my wife was terrible. And you know why it was terrible?

Because I was a terrible husband. I was a horrible husband. I still may not be the best husband, but I've learned a few things.

I've learned what really doesn't work, and what really doesn't work is to tell your wife, well, I really don't want to talk to you right now.

I've just had a rough day at work. That doesn't work. What really doesn't work is to forget important days.

What really doesn't work is to just expect her to do everything and take care of you and just kind of come home and just sort of ignore her.

Those kind of things just don't work. It's about living with her in an understanding way, about loving her like Christ loves the

Church. And when he says you must control all things,

I think what he's really trying to say, again, I'm not just trying to spin this,

I'm just trying to say what he's looking at is, you are the head of your household, the

Bible says. If you want to be an elder, the Bible says you need to run your household well. And it uses the term really for economy.

And the idea is that everything in your house, everything in your household, everything in your life must be running according to what the

Bible says. So when he says, control your wife, well, what does that mean? Well, it means that there are some things that should be obvious.

If your wife is spending too much money, well, you need to stop that somehow. If your wife,

I don't know if she's the town gossip, well, maybe you should talk to her about that. I mean, there are a number of things that you can observe and say, well, how do

I change this? And let me give you this further bit of advice. Another big problem that I see in marriages is the husband and the wife, in Christian marriages

I'm talking about, they're more concerned with the other person's sanctification than they are with their own.

What do I mean by that? I mean this, honey, I see this problem in you and that problem in you and this problem in you, and they just have a laundry list of all the problems of their spouse.

That's very helpful, not. Listen, you work on being the best husband that you can be by the grace of God.

You work on being the best wife you can be by the grace of God. And you know what? You're going to find out your spouse all of a sudden is a whole lot better than they used to be.

Well, why is that? It's because they've seen the change in you and their attitude towards you changes.

The more you live according to what the Bible says, the more your spouse is going to say, you know what,

Steve isn't so bad, or, you know, fill in the name for your husband there. I mean, you're going to see a change.

But the problem is people want to, they want to be the Holy Spirit in the other person's life. And I'm going to tell you what that results in.

If you try to transform your spouse, if you try to change them kind of by brute force, by pointing out all their faults and flaws, then what you are going to get is someone who doesn't like you very much, who's either that or they're on eggshells all the time, worried about offending you or worried about doing something wrong.

This is just not the right way to do it. I mean, you wouldn't do the same thing at work. You wouldn't do the same thing in other relationships.

Why would you treat your spouse like that? Why would you treat either your husband or your wife like that? Why would you want to be the wife who nags her husband or the husband who just constantly finds fault in his wife?

Do you think that's going to build up the relationship? Just totally wrong. You know what?

Here's what I would say to all you husbands. Think about this. What about just doing something that your wife completely doesn't expect you to do?

Send her some flowers for no reason whatsoever. Send her some candy for no reason whatsoever. Buy a book by her favorite author and just kind of give it to her for no reason whatsoever.

She'll be shocked and you will be shocked by the response you get. And I, you know, can

I speak to the wives and tell them how to do things and kind of shock their husbands? Well, wives are usually better at it anyway.

And I think, generally speaking, it's the husbands who need more coaching and I want to focus more on the husbands today.

And by the way, if you're a woman and you're listening today and you're thinking, yeah, I need to tell my husband that he needs to listen to this.

Well, you're just doing what I just said not to do. Okay, moving on. He says, and this gets back to the controlling thing.

He says, and I think this is so important. He says, headship does not mean crushing a wife's talents and gifts.

It does not mean making all the decisions without reference to her or the children. Right? Listen, your wife, like you, has talents.

She has giftedness. She also has weaknesses. Here's what men have a hard time identifying is their own weaknesses.

Because they just ignore them. It's amazing how easy it is to overlook your own faults.

That's why Jesus in Matthew chapter seven, what does he say? Everybody likes to say, judge not lest you be judged, right?

What they forget is, it's the whole judging with the right measure.

First, what do you need to do? Remove the beam out of your own eye? Listen, I've talked to men who have so many beams in their eyes, it's a wonder to me that they can even see.

But they think they have perfect 20 -20 vision. Why? It's because men are slow to kind of identify their faults, where they lack.

And I want to say, man, I would encourage you to think about how you talk to your wife.

Do you talk to her in an edifying way? If you look at Ephesians chapter four, and maybe

I should do that. If you look at Ephesians chapter four, what I find interesting is, this is to a church, but I think if we just think about it in terms of within our homes, just think about how wonderful it would be if we could say that this was true of our homes,

Ephesians 4 .29, let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as good as for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Men, do you think, I want to make sure that my language at home, the things

I say to my wife, build her up? I want to make sure that it only gives grace to my wife when

I say to her? Same thing for the wives. Do you ever think, okay, what I'm about to say to my husband,

I really hope it will build him up. In fact, I'm going to frame it in such a way that it will build him up, that it will edify him.

I'm not talking about appealing to his ego. I'm talking about making sure that I'm not just running him down.

That, and the same goes for the husband. If you come home from work and you're saying things like, why is this house always such a mess?

I don't think that's going to help your relationship. I could be wrong. Maybe I don't know your wife as well as you do, but I have a feeling,

I'm just guessing, that this is probably not a good step in your relationship.

On the other hand, if you find ways to help your wife with the housework, if you find little things that maybe she doesn't like to do and you start doing them yourself, boy, she might respond well to that.

She might actually like that. And I just think, you know, getting back to how we talk, this is so critical.

I say this all the time in Sunday school. I say this all the time in counseling, but I wish I could just like invent a five -second filter where you just had to wait five seconds to say whatever it is that you're wanting to say.

Because if you would just ask yourself this one question, what is about what I'm about to say, what's the result of it going to be?

You probably would say a lot fewer things that start arguments at home. And I don't care if you're a male or a female, husband or wife, if you're listening to this, if you just ask yourself, okay,

I know what I want to say, but what's going to happen if I say that? You could just save yourself so much trouble.

You could stop yourself. I'm going to use the S word. You could stop yourself from committing so many sins, sins of commission.

I mean, you can still sin in your mind, yes, but the sins of your mind are a lot less likely to cause ramifications with your spouse than the sins that you actually do.

So, but this other one here, again, chapter four, verse 31, let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice.

Verse 32, be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God and Christ forgave you.

I think it was Ruth Bell Graham who said, a marriage is made up of two, a good marriage has two good forgivers.

Listen, you know how many difficulties in marriage would be resolved if people could just think in light of how

Jesus has forgiven me, in light of all my sins and how God now views me as forgiven, as righteous even in Christ.

How should I be willing to forgive? In Matthew 18, Jesus talks about it.

And Peter says, you know, how many times should I forgive somebody? Is it seven, you know, seven or seven times 70, you know, 70 times seven, how many times should

I forgive? And the answer is what? Just keep on forgiving.

You just keep on forgiving. How many times am I obligated to forgive? Well, how many times is

God obligated to forgive you? Well, the answer is, he's not obligated to forgive you at all. But once he has determined to forgive you, once he has determined that he's going to view you only from the lens of you are in Christ, then what does he do?

Psalm 103 says he puts our sins, well, he views us, how is it, he puts us as far from our sins as the east is from the west.

I'm going to, that's my kind of translation there. But here's the picture. The picture is he looks to the east and he can't see us, he can only see our sins.

And he looks to the west and he can't see our sins, he can only see us, that's the picture. And so if we forgive, that's the standard, that's how we need to forgive.

So here's my point. My point is, if our households are run in a way that really exemplifies the gospel that we've been forgiven a lot, and in light of that forgiveness, we want to be good forgivers.

In light of that forgiveness, we want to watch what we say, we want to build up, we want to encourage, we want to edify, we want to be very thoughtful, we want to think,

Matthew 7, we don't want to condemn somebody, we don't want to confront somebody until we've examined ourselves and make sure that we're not guilty of the same sin.

We look at Ephesians 5 and we're thinking, you know what, I'm going to love my wife as Christ of the church,

I'm going to, I want what's best for her, I want her best, I want to live that out.

And as a wife, I want to submit to my husband. And if we have that kind of approach, that kind of thinking, how much better would we be in our homes?

Again, back to J. Adams, just what he says about we want to utilize our wife's talents, we want to turn them loose on the things that they're good on.

We want to, I mean, a happy home is that which everybody feels fulfilled, everybody feels necessary.

And it's not about feeling, but here's what I'm saying. If you're, as a father, as a husband, if you are running your household well, will there be confrontation?

Yes. But there are also going to be a lot of times where people just, your kids, your wife will look at you and just go, you know what,

I'm thankful that you're my husband. I'm thankful that you're my dad. Why? Because you're looking out for their best.

You're thinking, how can I teach them? How can I train them? How can I get the best for them and the best out of them?

And how can I honor Christ in all that I do and say with regard to my family? Listen, it's about the gospel.

It's about how Christ lived for you, lived that perfect life for you.

He died for you, was raised on the third day. All my sins are forgiven because of the cross.

And in light of that, how should I think about my home? How should I run things in my household? I'm Steve.

This is No Compromise Radio. Live for the Lord. No Compromise Radio with Pastor Mike Abendroth is a production of Bethlehem Bible Church in West Boylston.

Bethlehem Bible Church is a Bible teaching church firmly committed to unleashing the life transforming power of God's word through verse by verse exposition of the sacred text.

Please come and join us. Our service times are Sunday morning at 1015 and in the evening at six. We're right on route 110 in West Boylston.

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