Enemies Within The Walls - The Terrible Tongue (part 4)

The Tongue, Marital Discord, and the Cost of Always Being “Right”

Father in heaven We come before you this morning. Just thankful for Who you are and what you've done for us. Father it is in light of that that we gather together to learn from your word on. How we ought to act in light of the work that you have done on our behalf.

How you have redeemed us how you have removed our sins as far as East is from the West and father how you look at us now in Christ as Perfect father we praise you for those things pray that you'd bless our time as we look to your word in Jesus name.

We pray amen. Well, I don't know how many of you heard of this or saw this this week, but they they ran. I'm gonna start a little differently. They they did a little experiment. And what they did was they they well I'll just read this a New Zealand man who was asked by scientists to agree with everything his wife said.

Everything his wife said had to call off the experiment after 12 days. The idea was that this was going to improve their marriage, right? Because he was just gonna say you know what you're right everything.

She said he was just gonna agree with. The study was set up to examine the old marriage advice about whether it's more important to be happy or to be right. Couples therapists sometimes suggest that in a bid to avoid constant arguments.

Spouses weigh up whether pressing the point is worth the misery of marital discord in other words. Is it really worth fighting over. So they said to the husband just agree with your wife on everything?

So the they found a couple who were willing to record their quality of life on a scale of one to ten. They told the man who wanted to be happy more than right. About the purpose of the study and asked him to agree with every opinion and request his wife made without complaint.

Even when he profoundly disagreed. The wife was informed was not informed of the purpose of the study and was just asked to record her quality of life. Things went rapidly downhill for the couple. The man's quality of life scores fell from seven to three.

This is during 12 days. The wife scores rose modestly from eight to eight and a half before she became hostile to the idea of recording the scores rather than causing Harmony. The husband's agreeableness led to the wife becoming increasingly critical of what he did and said.

In the husband's opinion after 12 days he broke down. Made his wife a cup of tea. This is New Zealand and Explained the experiment at that point. She crowned him no. It doesn't say but they just called it off because they were there they were done so.

What's the point? Well, the point is it's not always the best thing to just avoid arguments. Sometimes things have to be said. And we don't always like that. But anyway, we've been talking about the tongue about how it Harms our relationships.

Certainly in the home even at work. In fact, you know, I read some things that people post on Facebook. I'll get to Facebook here more in a minute but I read some things and I'm just like, you know, I used to think like that or I can remember when that kind of Thinking got me in trouble.

Sometimes I just want to you know, I just want to go in there and you know what dear dear Abby. You didn't ask my advice, but here it is. In fact, I can remember. You know without getting too introspective.

I don't want to turn this into a Psych session here, but I can remember like leading the station or arrest doing all these things. I had all these wonderful stats and you know, I'd get my Evaluation and I came to call them devaluations because I'd just be I'd be like, how can they how can they say these things about me?

I work harder than anybody here and I I'm not well, I am kind of boasting but Facts are facts. But it became quite depressing why because I saw myself working harder than at least most of the guys that worked with you know.

The guys would watch NFL football games when they were supposed to be patrolling the streets of LA County and Then the evaluations came in they were always bad and I'm like, you know. It was only later after salvation and after maybe gaining some wisdom that I could see that it wasn't so much what I did.

As how I did it and what I said when I was doing it it wasn't enough to just be right. I had to demonstrate the fact that I was right and those aren't typically good things to do. So controlling of the tongue it can it can impact our lives in every every aspect.

Last week we talked about gossip we've talked about those kind of things in the past the sorts of things that people do to Get notice what the Proverbs say about Gossip and things controlling our tongues.

The Dangers of Gossip and Digital Speech

But nowadays, can you think of a new? Medium. I'll say a new medium for expressing yourself, you know other than just saying something. Can you think of a new medium? The Internet's okay. Facebook. Texting these are all on my list by the way.

Twitter. There's an explosion of ways to communicate. I mean, there are people literally I believe on this planet who do not have a single unexpressed thought. I Mean eventually we'll just be able to Twitter, you know our brains.

It'll just be attached directly there and everybody will know what we're thinking all the time. Won't that be wonderful? No, no filter just you know. We're laughing because we're thinking that wouldn't be good.

No, it wouldn't be it would be terrible. We'd be terrible. I found this this quiz. I just thought maybe we'd go through a couple of them here this morning. This is this is directed for teens, but I thought this was interesting.

It's a 10 question multi. Well, actually, it's only seven questions. Hey, well, let me just read this scores. You add up all your points at the end if you score 7 to 14 you are a Gossip. You thrive on gossip and spreading news about others yet.

Watch out because people are probably gossiping about you, too. 15 to 21 you are a wishy-washy. You don't gossip all the time, but it may be something you want to work on. 22 to 28 the anti gossip. That's how you should be.

You tend to see gossip for what it is and confront it. So, let me let me just give you a couple of these here. You and your friends again, this is for teens. You and your friends are at a party you see one of your friends.

Breaking the law and taking a controlled substance. You a pray for him be Adam to your youth group prayer list. See tell everyone at school. D tell a parent and pray for your friend and I like this one.

Number three you over here your boy your friend's boyfriend telling everyone lies about their date on Saturday. You Confront him right there and tell him to take back the lies. Be. Run and tell your friend.

Be or I'm sorry see post the story on Facebook. D spread lies about him. Let's see how he feels. Again, this is you know teenagers, but I think some of these very things are done by adults not as often but When we talk about the new forms of expression.

Facebook Twitter email internet forums. Do they give you new ways to you know, we talked about restraining our tongues controlling what we say. Well, what's the difference between what we say and what we write on the internet for the entire world to see and Anonymity in some cases, right?

Can make you bold. Why. Because nobody's gonna confront you over it. It's easy to throw out insults and to you know defame other people when they don't know who you are. What else about the internet is kind of tricky about.

Let's see either Twitter communications emails all those kind of things. What's what what makes those difficult? There's no intonation. You can't hear the person's voice so there's no kind of you can't hear if there's a little bit of a joke to it or.

You know if they said it in anger and you know, sometimes a little smiley face helps. I mean, I just kind of randomly now put smiley faces in my emails just so people think you know, it's happy talk. I don't you know.

Don't take it wrongly. Did I see a hand over here? They're out there forever. Now. Some of the geeks can probably explain that better than I can. I just accepted myself from the geeks. But I do know this that when you post something on Facebook even if you erase it if you put something on Twitter even if you erase it it is Cached it belongs.

It's there somewhere out there in the ether forever. So I Mean before you hit that send button you need to think about it, but I mean we have all kinds of laws now bullying laws. To try to stop people.

I mean we read these sad stories about young women most particularly but it impacts young men, too. But where they wind up committing suicide why. Because they've been bullied on Facebook and tweeted and Different ways of kind of spreading the word about people.

What's it what's most interesting to me though. You know, we've seen a lot of these cases over the last few years is listening to The parents of the child or the children that the young people who were doing the bullying.

Well, you know what they did wasn't that bad or this is just common and I guess one of the things I wanted to bring up this morning was just the idea of When should It. This is kind of a parenting issue.

But when do you just kind of let your children your young person in your home get on Facebook? Tweet send text. When is that appropriate? What makes it appropriate or not? Should you supervise them? Do they have a right of privacy?

Remember once hearing that. You know concept Explained. Well, you know dad. This is my room. Can I see the tax bill on that please? You know? It's your room. Oh, I see. I must have missed all the bills going to your room.

Do you have a separate mailbox? You know, what's the scoop there? We need to readjust our climate control so you can have more control over your room. What about that? Do you see things from? People from Younger or older people and you just think I don't know if that would that should have been put out that way.

I Wrote down here, you know, can your 53 year old husband handle a Facebook account? I don't know. Something for my wife to think about. What about? Comments about spouses children friends on Facebook or the internet.

You know, can you imagine I Can't believe my husband just did this or that or the other thing or I? Mean people have fights on Facebook. Let's just invite everybody. Let me ask you this. Is it easier to be hurt by what someone says?

Says to your face or what they write in an email. Which do you think is easier to be hurt by Brian? Because he says of course, so then dr. Bartlett has to give us the answer. Why is that? And I think that used to always be true.

Maybe it's not so much true these days people say all kinds of Yeah, it's easier right to confront somebody via Facebook or email. I can't believe you would say such a thing. You know, did it how dare you send it back to him?

And then you know the next time you see him. You're like, hey, how's it going Steve? Good. It's a whole different thing when you're together with somebody but why is it easier to get hurt by Something anonymous like that like a Facebook post maybe somebody doesn't even they're not even thinking when they post it.

No ill intent, but it hurts your feelings because of the way it's phrased or whatever. Well, why is that it's because if I say something to you and you're right there, what do I get? I? Get an immediate feedback if you start crying.

I'm like, I Mean, they're like good. I'm glad you deserve to cry or Right, which hopefully I don't think that way or I think I Clearly did not understand what my words were gonna mean to you. And so, you know, I have to address that in another way, but when it's on Facebook boy, it's like Have some of that boom send, you know and.

And there's no and there's no response. There's no feedback. Yeah, Bruce. And that's true, right. I mean if somebody wants to say something to you, they should at least have the decency to say it in private instead of You know right there that would be right send a private message or whatever, but it still lacks in.

You know that the one key element I think in having a conversation with somebody is the feedback the immediate feedback even the phone is better than Not because at least then you can hear the tone like flow was saying earlier, but you know the Internet especially some of the forums we ever read like the comments, you know after a news article or something like that and People will start responding to one another and you just go Whoo boy, you know, I mean if this was some kind of like parking lot.

We need to call the police because everybody'd be throwing haymakers in no time at all because they wouldn't talk to each other like that but you know everybody I What you know, they used to call alcohol liquid courage.

Well, I think there's some kind of Phony courage, you know in the anonymity of the of the Internet other thoughts about that. Yes, that's excellent. Carol, yeah, don't put anything in writing that you don't want published and I mean if you if you write if you write an old-fashioned letter.

Maybe you can break into somebody's house steal it and destroy it. I don't know but other than that, there's always gonna be a written record of it, but like I said once it goes on the Internet whether it's email or Twitter or whatever it is.

It's just there somebody can find it sooner or later so. Not not really a great thing, but I I just want to encourage people to know if you have Young people in your home that are texting that are Using Facebook that are using Twitter that you really need to monitor that you need to know what they're doing.

I mean you might you might find yourself just imagine this you think oh, it can never happen me. You might be that parent on TV. You know because your kids were the ones doing the bullying and you thought well, they would never do that people behave differently when there are no consequences for their actions and and if you think that's Really way out there.

Just imagine that you know as you're leaving this morning I give you a credit card with an unlimited line of credit. Are you gonna keep living exactly like you are now? Maybe you will but what if I tell you I'm gonna pay the bill every month I'll tell you what you might start out pretty responsible.

You know I'm only gonna buy myself a new pair of socks. My neck's a little cold this morning I'll get a sweater, but after a while when you realize that I really meant what I said you could buy whatever you want.

You know honey. I've been Thinking about it that Bentley is looking pretty good to me. You know if there are no consequences. You will change the way you live. Wait. I mean this is what this is why atheists live the way they live.

They think there are no consequences anyway, so I would encourage you to do that. Let's talk about Insults insults in our language. Degrading speech. We have a God-given Gift to speak to express our thoughts.

We know we ought not to insult somebody, but why do we do it? What are some of the reasons why we insult people. Brian. Okay by putting somebody else down we elevate ourselves. Because we feel justified because they basically they deserve it.

Sometimes we do it just for a cheap laugh. Done that a time or two. Yeah, sometimes. It's just for a cheap laugh. We insult somebody just because we know we're gonna get laughter. Now we've read Ephesians 429 and we've read Colossians a number of times about edifying speech.

We think about insults. You know should we ever think well, it's right to insult somebody and here. Here's what I mean is it ever right to intentionally demean someone else. No I'm gonna just say no. And if somebody wants to point to you know Jesus in Matthew 23, what does he do he goes after those Pharisees?

Woe to you. Woe to you. Woe to you, and he just attacks and attacks and attacks, but why was that? Why was he attacking the Pharisees? They were self-righteous, but it was the things that they were doing and saying.

Wasn't them personally I mean He was more after you know he said look you're hypocrites you do one thing you say something else your goal is to weigh people down with unreasonable rules and regulations as A means to kind of try to make themselves right with God, and you guys are all twisted up.

It was their methods. It was their theology that he was attacking. Now what are some of the ways that here, let's put it this way. Do you think that there are Broad categories of Insults that are broad categories.

Are there examples of insults that we probably see in everyday living. Would you say it's common for example for a parent to tell their child? Something insulting like You're stupid you're an idiot. You always do the wrong thing maybe.

What about between spouses? Somebody shouts or yells at somebody else. I Mean you know I think it's perfectly right for me to shout at my wife if the house is on fire. I don't think it's all right for me to shout at my wife.

Because she burnt the toast because she left the garage door open because whatever. And there there are there are ways of dealing with. Not having our expectations met with being disappointed that don't include venting our our Anger and You know without turning this into necessarily a parenting or a marital class.

Let me just ask you this are there ways of Correcting your child apart from yelling at them. Can that be done. Well how do you do that? Self-control. You exercise self-control. I mean I was reading it this morning, and maybe we should just go there.

I just want to you know because it would be good to get a little Bible time in how about Galatians 5 just such a really poignant Passage, and I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it beginning in verse 16.

Well, actually I'm gonna back up a little bit in verse 13 for you were called to freedom brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh. But through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word you shall love your neighbor as yourself.

Now just think about all these things that we talked about how we communicate with one another. How we fail to communicate with one another how we insult each other how we do all these things and just go back to this.

You shall love your neighbor as yourself. The golden rule would you want to be talked to like you were talking to someone else? Would you want to see read a tweet about you the way you're tweeting about someone else.

Would you want to see just fill in? The blank. And I think the answer is Often. No, I wouldn't want somebody to talk to me to write about me to Speak of me in the way that I'm speaking of others. Then stop it verse 15, but if you bite and devour one another.

Watch out that you are not consumed by one another. Bite and devour that's a pretty good picture. What is it? What does that metaphor they're basically trying to picture for us fights bickering. Behaving in less than a loving manner to one another.

Look at verse 16 in contrast. But I say instead of doing the biting and devouring Walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. What does that imply. Well one of the desires of the flesh is to do what?

Speak the way you want to use the use your freedom to say whatever you want for the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit against the Holy Spirit and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh and.

For these are opposed to one another to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident. Sexual immorality impurity sensuality idolatry sorcery enmity strife.

Jealousy fits of anger. You know we read the first few there we go. These are terrible and then we go wait a minute. This is this is my life enmity strife fits of anger rivalries dissensions arguments divisions envy.

And then we get back into the really bad things where we can go, okay, I'm not this bad drunkenness orgies and things like these. I Warn you this is the Apostle Paul saying This as I warned you before that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

If we're involved in fits of anger Rivalries dissensions divisions, you know, how high should our confidence be that we belong to Christ. I. Well because I Argue because I insult people. No. That should make us think I I don't know.

How is it possible that I do these things and again just listen to the fruit of the Spirit starting in verse 22 and just think about this as a Lifestyle as a means of communication a means of interacting with one another is love joy peace patience kindness goodness faithfulness Gentleness self-control.

Against such things there is no law. We want to be known for our self-control the way that we Build one another up not for that. We tear one another down and Again, you know, I've suggested before that we take I call it two seconds could be five seconds.

Could be longer or whatever, but if you just again want to say this again Think about what effect is what I'm about to say when I'm about to write when I'm about to post a post to Facebook. What impact is this going to have on the people who read it?

I think we'd change some of the things that we say and that we write. But here's another one again the golden rule. Speak to others as you would have them speak to you communicate to them in a way that you would have them communicate to you.

If you would not Appreciate it or so, you know, some people might say well I can take it other people ought to be able to take it, too. Well, then Speak nicely to other people instead of the way that you would want them to speak to you or you don't care.

You know work on talking to people in a way that You know. Maybe makes you a little uncomfortable. Consider their desires more important than your own. Well, let's talk about any any other thoughts about that.

I mean if we just think about let's put it this way if the if edifying is saying things that are needful things that are good things that build up things that promote right-thinking godliness. If that's edifying then all these other things the insults the the teardowns the anger all that are the exact opposite of edifying and Here's another one being untruthful Lying.

Let's look at Proverbs 424 and with somebody read that place. I just like that crooked speech. Crooked forked, you know, it's like him speak with forked tongue. I I always like that. You're speaking out of both sides of your mouth.

You're not truthful. Kidner says superficial habits of talk react on the mind so that Cynical chatter fashionable grumbles flippancy half-truths barely meant in the first place Harden into well-established habits of thought.

What's he saying? He's saying this that if you think dishonestly if you think crassly if you think crudely if you Think in in any ungodly fashion eventually, it's going to come out in your mouth. So if you are in the habit of Speaking lies, it just shows what's in your heart.

Jesus said that it's a reflection of What you're thinking how you're thinking? Lying is not Acceptable should never be acceptable to us. If we are children of God who is truth, then we ought to reflect that.

So these are all ways of expressing things that are Non edifying that tear down and I wanted to just close here. I've got rather lengthy quote about Forgiveness from Charles Spurgeon because again, I want us to think all this through this lens that we What causes us most often I think to speak ill of others is that we have something against them.

And therefore it makes it okay to gossip about them to say things that are unkind about them or even maybe to them. And it's because of our lack of forgiveness our lack of understanding that in Christ We've been forgiven much and we ought to forgive in that same way and I found this and I wanted to share this with you Spurgeon about forgiveness.

He says all our transgressions are swept away at once carried off as by a flood and So completely removed from us that no guilty trace of them remains. They are all gone. Oye believers think of this for the all is no little thing sins against a holy God sins against his loving Son.

Sins against the gospel as well as against the law. Sins against man as well as against God sins of the body as well as sins of the mind sins as numerous as the sands of the seashore and As great as the sea itself all all are removed from us as far as the east is from the west.

All this evil was rolled into one great mass and laid upon Jesus and having born it born at all He has made an end of it forever. When the Lord forgave us he forgave us the whole debt. He did not take the bill and say I strike I strike out this item and that I mean imagine that Somebody says I'll pick up dinner and they you know decide which lines of the bill they're gonna pay.

He did not take the bill and say I strike out this item and that but the pen went through it all paid. It was a receipt in full of all demands. Jesus took the handwriting which was against us and nailed it to his cross.

To show before the entire universe that its power to condemn. To contempt condemn us had ceased forever. We have in him in Christ a full forgiveness. And let it be remembered that this forgiveness which God has given us for Christ's sake is an eternal forgiveness and I think this is Incredibly important again.

I think it drives to this point that we have a habit of saying that we've forgiven and Then bringing up those things again. Listen. He says he will never rake up our past offenses and a second time impute them.

Lie will not find us on an evil day and say I have had great patience with you. But now I will deal with you after after your sins far far otherwise he that believeth in Jesus hath Everlasting life and shall never come into condemnation.

Irreversible is the pardon of heaven. There is none there is therefore now no condemnation to those which are in Christ Jesus who shall lay anything to the charge of God's elect. This is Romans 8. It is God that justifieth.

Who is he that condemneth? So that's our eternal forgiveness. And finally he has this down as divine forgiveness. There is such a truth a reality an Emphasis in the pardon of God that you can never find it in the pardon of man.

For though a man should forgive you all you have done against him if you have treated him very badly. Yet it is more than you could expect that he should quite forget it. But the Lord says they're their sins and iniquities.

I will remember no more forever. Do we strive to forgive like God forgives do we strive to just put those things out of our mind. As I said when I started this series, I think I've known people Who say that they have forgiven someone and then they during the course of the same conversation will then recount Everything that was occurring while they were upset with this person in the first place and they start getting agitated and they could tell you.

You know The way the the flag was blowing and the breeze and everything that was going on at the time this event happened. And there's something wrong with that and there's something that's wrong with that is there's no forgiveness when forgiveness is not granted it inevitably leads to all these other sins if You say that you forgive someone.

Then all these other things will be put aside. It's when we don't forgive that we respond in anger in Insults in bringing up old sins all these things that we constantly find ourselves having to ask forgiveness for.

We respond to things negatively and again just think about it this way if you if you feel if you have the sense that I'm about to respond in an unkind way if I'm about to respond in anger if I'm about to respond in an insult and you just think well, I Have to get it out.

If I hold it in if I suppress this it's gonna be bad for me. I mean, we would sort of joke about that and say well don't hold anything back, you know, it it'll it'll give you a heart attack. Well, the truth is all those things that are bottled up inside of you really.

Tell us something about you and about how you're responding to things and it's not good we're not responding in a godly fashion if we think that we have a right to do that if we think we have a need to do that and We need to work on forgiving one another.

Any other thoughts about forgiveness or the tongue and I don't want to get into Conflict resolution here this morning any other thoughts about that? Yeah, Tom good, okay. What about the consequences, you know, does that in involve?

Forgiveness, I don't think so. I mean the most Egregious example maybe would be something like somebody commits a murder. Is it possible? I was just reading about this woman whose Husband was killed in Libya here.

Not too long ago. It was a Tunisia one of those North African countries. And she said she forgave she doesn't even know who these men are that killed her husband. She says I forgive them, you know pray that they'll come to know Jesus as our Lord and Savior.

Now she can forgive them and say that I want them to be saved and there could still be consequences. They could still wind up going to prison for the rest of their lives. Right because there there could be a judicial aspect to it.

Now. What about it in our own lives? Is it possible that I can forgive somebody and then? You know, there there is some kind of Consequence that well, you know, maybe here. Let me give you let me just give you this example.

Let's say you loan me a big amount of money and You know, I'm supposed to pay you some of it every month and you know every month it's just like well, you know, I Here's half of what I owe you in the next month.

Well, I you know, I couldn't make it this month and it goes on and on and on and then I come back to you. And I say, you know what Tom I need a little bit more money you might be able to forgive me for you know, the times that I didn't pay and everything else, but If I come to you and ask for more money you might be going I don't know that doesn't sound like the best Best way to go so there could be consequences like that.

But we're gonna we're gonna be talking about conflict resolution because you know sometimes in especially in families. You know, is it okay to. Well your child misbehaves loses your trust. Can there be ongoing consequences for that?

Yes. Can you forgive them but still not fully trust them until they earn your trust back? Well, I think you'd be kind of silly if you just said well, you know what I just completely forgive you I'm not even worry about it.

You know, so what that you took a couple hundred dollars out of our bank account. No problem. It's always it's always a little bit of trust but verify but there there are some I mean that's kind of an extreme Example, but I think there are some even situations within the body of Christ where somebody does something to you.

You can forgive them. You can just try to put it out of your mind. But there may not be that same relationship as there was before now as much as you can I think you should try to resolve that. I think you should there, you know true forgiveness if we can really.

If we can really get past it then what there should be no difference before the Before the sin and after it there should be no difference, but it doesn't always work that way. So that's a that's a difficult one.

But let's we'll save that for next week. Let's close in prayer. Father in heaven Lord it is a blessing. To just consider these sayings and to think to be reminded or fresh of How Spurgeon describes this great mass of sin all of our sins from the moment we were able to sin.

Until this very time every single one of them if we're in Christ every single one of them Was put on him was paid by him. That payment was accepted by you and you demonstrated that by raising your son from the dead.

What a blessing it is now. Father, would you enable us by your spirit to live in light of that to show the fruits of the Spirit not to? To demonstrate how good we are, but how good you are Father may our lives reflect your work in them.

We pray in Jesus name. Amen.