Calvinist Derangement Syndrome

Do you have an almost allergic reaction any time you hear the words, Sovereign Grace? When someone quotes A .W. Pink, do you have an urge to commit verbal assault? Have you convinced yourself that the men who wrote the Westminster Confession were secretly a band of Manichaean Gnostics?

If so, you might be suffering from CDS, Calvinist Derangement Syndrome. Hi, I'm Keith with Reformation Medical, and we have a new pill which might be perfect for you, Calvinol. Calvinol is a once-a-day prescription medication which will allow you to actually tolerate someone with a different theological perspective without feeling the need to write a theological treatise in a YouTube comment box or make a 14-hour response video to a single offhanded comment.

Calvinol will allow you to get over yourself, relax, and stop being insufferable, at least for a few hours. Side effects may include a desire for verse-by-verse expositional preaching, faster beard growth, and an intolerance for Leighton Flowers' voice and face.

So if you've ever had the irrepressible urge to go angrily stomping through a field of tulips, get your prescription of Calvinol today. Calvinol, brought to you by the makers of Nick Cage Stage Chewable Chill Pills.

If you're a new Calvinist and acting a little cagey, get yourself some Nick Cage Stage Chewables, and learn to chill out. It's better for everybody when you do.