TLP 126: How to Rear a Hateful Kid

The Origin of Hate and Why Love Matters

The reason I chose to start our love study with a discussion on hate is I don't think we can truly appreciate love until we understand its opposite and acknowledge from where it comes. Welcome to Truth.

Love. Parents. Where we use God's Word to become intentional, premeditated parents. Here's your host, A .M.

Brewster. I know. I know. The title of today's episode seems ridiculous. Hopefully, no one tuned in because they're genuinely interested in rearing a hateful child, but the problem is too often the rest of us actually allow or encourage our children to do things now that later in life will blossom into wickedness.

The world has experienced hatred in every form from the very first people choosing to rebel against God to the very first child murdering his younger brother to the violence and wickedness of Noah's day right up until this very moment.

All over the world, hateful, wicked, horrible atrocities are taking place as I speak. And here's the thing. Each of the people perpetrating evil in this world started out as a cute little infant. Every rapist and murderer and thug and racist and thief and dictator and zealot was born as a helpless quote-unquote innocent baby.

I always wanted to do a workshop where I show video clips of happy babies playing and laughing and smiling. And next to each child, I would show their name and their future occupation. Anya might be a computer programmer and Ethan might be a teacher.

Next to Logan's face would be the word preacher and Isaac and Olivia would be doctors. But then the video would continue and here and there, mingled with the noble professions, I would show a video of an equally cute baby, but this baby would grow up to be a rapist.

The next would be an industrial thief. Some would be hackers, scam artists, murderers, and liars. My point is that video would be uncomfortable to watch and many of us would feel like saying, that's terrible, that would never happen.

And yet somehow it does happen every day. Beautiful, little children grow up and embrace hate. Today begins a study that will last from now until the end of February. It's not a series per se. Within this larger study, I do plan to do a series called The Four Family Loves.

But all of the other episodes will have love as their theme. And that includes today's episode and Friday's, which is called The Fight Culture. Why children today are so violent and what we can do about it.

The reason I chose to start our love study with a discussion on hate is I don't think we can truly appreciate love until we understand its opposite and acknowledge from where it comes. So, let's dive right in.

Defining Hate as the Opposite of Love

Let's start by defining hate, then discuss from where it comes, and then talk about ways we as parents can help our children not grow to hate God and their fellow man. Simply, hate is the opposite of love.

But since many of us don't know how the Bible defines love, that definition isn't very helpful. Merriam-Webster defines hate as intense hostility and aversion, usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury.

And it also describes it as being extreme dislike or disgust. And that sounds about right. But we need to ask the question, is hate a good thing or a bad thing? Well, within the context of today's discussion, hate is definitely a bad thing because the object of the hate about which we're talking is something that God commands us to love—namely, other people and God Himself.

But generally speaking, hate is not bad. Episode 23 was called, What Does God Think About Your Kids' Music? But I reworked it from an article that I had written called, Five Things God Hates About Your Music.

The Bible uses the word hate quite often, and many of those instances refer to God's hatred. Psalm 5 -5, referring to God, reads, The boastful shall not stand before your eyes. You hate all evildoers.

It's completely appropriate to hate something wicked. But since that's not the topic of today's discussion, I'm going to have to leave that right there for now, and we'll come back to it again maybe sometime in the future.

For now, though, know that the hate we're talking about today is the hatred that leads men to murder and hurt and persecute and abuse. It's also the hate that leads someone to despise a person simply because of the color of their skin.

What makes the hate sinful is that it's directed at something we've been commanded to love. So hate is intense hostility and aversion and or extreme dislike or disgust for someone. We know it exists in the world, but now the question is, from where does it come?

What is hate's origin? Most of us would assume that racists had racist parents, but do we also assume that murderers had murdering parents? No doubt many children are taught hate and harm by their parents.

Perhaps they've even been taught how to hate and harm by their parents. We know that Muslim terrorists have trained their children to hate infidels and teach them how to kill people. And I'm sure we all assume that white supremacists do the same.

But does that account for all the hatred in the world? Of course not. So, we must assume that these adorable children are taught by someone else how to hate. Perhaps the KKK or the terrorists or the rapists and the murderers somehow got to everyone and trained them to hate.

My friends, no. It's actually far easier than that. Your children never have to meet a racist to become one. Think about Cain. He didn't know any murderers. He didn't even know, really, that murder existed.

And yet he was a hateful person who acted out violently. There are two concepts I want to explore as we ask, what is hate's origin? First, I want to look at the origin itself. And second, I want to discuss how we parents often inadvertently encourage hate in our children.

Sin, Self-Worship, and the Capacity to Hate

First, let's talk origin. And the origin is simple. It's called sin. It's the reason we need a savior. It's the cause of every ill in the history of our planet. Sin is everything that does not conform to God's character.

If you're astute, then you probably realize that means we're all in trouble. Because even if we exhibit some of the communicable attributes of God, we don't do it perfectly in quality or quantity. And that means that much of our good might possibly itself be sinful.

And every beautiful, precious, tiny baby was born a sinner. In Psalm 51 5, David tells us, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me. In Romans, we're told that we are all sinners.

The corrupting nature of sin has passed down from Adam to all of his seed. We can't escape it. But I think it's important to realize that fundamentally, sin is an act of worship. Righteousness is a consequence of worshiping God.

You cannot truly do right without worshiping God. And when I say worship, I'm not talking about services and candles and programs. Worship is simply showing how much we value something, showing how much worth we have invested in something.

When I choose to obey God, regardless of how it will affect me, I'm showing him that he's more valuable than I. However, when I choose to disobey him, when I choose to sin, I'm still worshiping. In that moment, I'm showing that I'm more important than God, that I value myself more.

I have more worth than he does. My way and opinion has more value than his. In that moment, I'm worshiping myself. And the same goes for your kids. So sin is the result of an act of self-worship. At its very core, therefore, sin is hate.

It's worshiping ourselves over God. It's saying we love ourselves and we don't love God. We trust ourselves and we don't trust God. We want what we want and we don't want what God wants. I hate God, so I do things my own way.

I'm willing to call him a liar, transgress his law, rebel against his love, and do things my own way. I'm choosing to love myself and hate God. If we go back to our dictionary definition, I'm averse to God's will for my life or I dislike his commands and authority.

This means that because every child is born a sinner, every child is born with the capacity, nay, the predisposition to hate. I've mentioned this before on the show. Episodes 37 through 44 dip into this from time to time.

I know it's uncomfortable, but there is no such thing as ambivalence in relationships. We either love the person or we hate them. Again, now I'm talking about this from the definition of God's word, how God uses the word love and how God uses the word hate.

There is no ambivalence. We either love them or we hate them. Now, that hatred doesn't always reveal itself in murder and by abuse, but it's there nonetheless and our ignorance of that fact is part of the reason our children grow up to hate.

Every time a child throws a tantrum, they're choosing to love themselves and hate their parents. Now, I want to say choosing, I'm not necessarily talking about a mental machination that leads themselves to the conclusion, I hate my parents and I love myself, but it's still a choice because as we talked about in the Mirrors Christianity series, belief is a choice.

Love is a choice and so when I choose to do something that is helping myself out and hurting somebody else, in that moment, I'm choosing to believe that's okay. I'm choosing to love myself and the flip side of that coin is I'm choosing to hurt or devalue the other person.

So, with that understanding in mind, our children steal because they love themselves more than the person from whom they're stealing. In that moment, they hated that person because they sinned against that person.

Now, please, friends, understand your children have hatred knotted up in their souls. So do mine. In fact, we all do and this hatred is called sin and it grows from self-worship. So here's the problem.

Your three-year-old daughter isn't a murderer. Your 12-year-old isn't a racist. Your eight-year-old isn't a rapist, but despite that, they may one day become one because the exact same hatred that's inside them right now, the exact same selfishness and self-worship that is inside them now, that doesn't expose itself in those types of behaviors, may one day, as it matures, choose those types of behaviors by which to expose itself.

And here's why. Hatred and sin always devolves. Romans 1 shows us how our sinful machinations devolve from one state of delusion to another. But the core issue always remains the same. Murderers murder because they hate and they want control, but children hit their sibling for taking their favorite toy because they hate and want control too.

So let's follow a fictional child through his life. This child was born to Christian parents and he has foolishness and pride and hate bound up in his sinful heart like all children do. By God's grace, though, he doesn't exhibit the full extent of that sin.

Common grace is what keeps us from being as bad as we could be. So this little boy grows and exhibits all the hateful tendencies we'd expect from an infant and he receives the appropriate consequences.

As he gets older and more refined, though, and since he has not yet been born again by submitting to Christ, this boy still has the same predisposition to self-worship. In fact, that's all he can worship.

Despite what he may say in Sunday school, practically, he is his only God. So as he grows and becomes more refined, his acts of hatred are more subtle and culturally acceptable. He spits out the casual, quote-unquote, joking comment to get a jab in at his sister.

He sneaks food from the pantry. He cheats from time to time at school. He disrespects his parents, but not enough to really get him in trouble. He tattles on his older brother. He slacks off in his chores.

Now, if you're catching yourself wanting to say, Aaron, that's not hate, then you're probably feeling the same way his parents felt. All kids act like this. They go through phases. He's just exercising his personality.

He'll change one day. But this boy still doesn't submit to Christ because he's enjoying his own puny God. And all the while, every decision, good or bad, is being made for self. Anyone that gets in his way is met with retaliation of one kind or another.

Sometimes that retaliation is tacit and hidden. He clams up with a sense of self-preservation. He doesn't lash out, not because he actually loves his parents. He doesn't lash out because it would make his life more difficult for him if he got consequences.

This boy is laying the perfect groundwork for any and all forms of hatred. Why wouldn't he take his toy and hit his brother? Why wouldn't he throw a tantrum? Why wouldn't he kick mom as she's trying to correct him?

Why wouldn't he say unkind things? Why wouldn't he lie? Why wouldn't he steal? Why wouldn't he vandalize? Why wouldn't he punch someone who's annoying him? Why wouldn't he get revenge? Why wouldn't he start seeing a certain people group as the source of all the trouble in his life?

Why wouldn't he take advantage of some girl? Why wouldn't he remove someone who's gotten in his way? Racism is merely calloused hate. Murder is just desensitized hate. And the more often we hate, the easier it is to become calloused and desensitized to the effects and consequences of our hate.

How Parents Can Encourage or Discourage Hate

Do you want to train your children how to hate? Well, first, you don't have to. They do that just fine without your help. And without the intervening of the Holy Spirit, they will continue to excel in hate, as we all do.

But if we're not careful, we will help our children excel in that hate, and here's how. If you want your children to excel in their hatred, number one, remain ignorant to the fact that your child is a sinner and has a predisposition to hate.

Ignorance is bliss, you know. Number two, do not encourage your child to have a relationship with God. I actually know people who don't tell their children about salvation because they want their child to, quote, find their own way.

Proverbs 14, 12 says, there is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death. Like we talked about in episode 104, your kids need an interpreter because they're sinful and they don't naturally drift toward God.

Romans 13, 11 tells us that no man seeks God. I also need to point out that a true believer, a genuine follower of God, cannot hate consistently. First John 2, 9 says, whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness.

First John 2, 11 says, but whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the darkness and does not know where he is going because the darkness has blinded his eyes. And in First John, he uses that concept of darkness to be the picture of not having a relationship with God.

In First John 3, 15, he says, everyone who hates his brother is a murderer and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. And in First John 4, 20, he says, if anyone says, I love God and hates his brother, he is a liar.

For he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. If your child doesn't submit to Christ, hate is the only recourse he has left. Number three, ignore your child's quote-unquote little sins and view them simply as phases, quirks, or normal child behavior.

I remember once I stole an inappropriate magazine from my employer. I won't share the details, but when my parents made me return it, this man replied, well the stealing is clearly wrong, but it's normal for a boy to want to look at girls.

Without realizing it, that man was encouraging my hatred of women. Anyone who would take advantage of a woman in their minds or their bodies don't love those women. They hate them and they love themselves.

Being willing to hurt someone else to fulfill my own pleasure is the very definition of hate. So, if you ignore the culturally acceptable sins, you not only allow your child to exercise their hate, you actually teach them that it's okay.

Number four, when your child's hatred starts really affecting you, respond with your own hatred. It's sad how we yell at our children to be kind to their siblings. We lose our temper because they lost theirs.

We lash out with unkind words and disappropriate punishment simply because they inconvenienced us. One of the many consequences of such paternal behavior is that it teaches our kids that self-worship and the hatred of others is justified as long as you say it is.

And number five, of course, you might as well just teach them how to be a racist or a murderer while you're at it. All right, let's get off this super depressing train and ask the final question. What can a Christian parent do?

Parenting with Grace, Truth, and the Power of God

Well, the only thing stopping my children from becoming racists is the grace of God, submission to the truth of God through the power of God. John Bradford is credited with saying, There but for the grace of God goes John Bradford.

Many people have changed the quote ever so slightly to say, There but for the grace of God go I. What this means is that I myself could be a racist if it were not for the grace of God. So how do we parent our children with the grace of God, teaching them to submit to God through the power of God?

Well, that truly is the overarching goal and purpose of this entire show. Truth Love Parent exists to teach us how to do that, how to use the grace of God to teach our children to submit to God through the power of God.

If I started naming all the episodes that partially answer that question, I'd name most of them. However, I only want to focus in on three. Episodes 26 and 27 are called The Fifth Way to Parent, the only parenting style that glorifies God.

And episode 123 is called Parenting Like the Holy Spirit. Again, most of our episodes are consumed with parenting in truth and love, and that means parenting with God's grace in his truth and by his power.

But I can sum it up like this. We need to have high biblical expectations for our children. We cannot afford to forget that they're sinners. We mustn't neglect to introduce them to Christ. Remember what we saw earlier, a true believer cannot consistently hate anyone.

Love is a fruit of the Spirit, and though we're not perfect, no genuine Christian could possibly be a racist. Also, we should never ignore our children's sin due to an incorrect understanding of the nature of sin, laziness, or rebellion on our own part.

We need to live a life that exemplifies God's love, especially when people get in our way, and we need to teach them the truths of Scripture. Now, please understand that I'm not saying if you do those five things, your child will never hate anyone ever again.

No, that's parental determinism, and that's wrong. But I am saying that at least you won't be part of the problem. You won't be the one rearing a hateful child. I encourage you to do two things. Number one, please share this episode.

There's too much hate in this world, and we parents can have a massive effect on the problem if we just parent the way God parents. And number two, please check out our episode notes. I've formatted them very simply, detailing not how to rear a hateful child, but how to discourage sinful hate in our children.

Our next episode grows out of this one. When you look at our world, you see man's hatred being worked out in physical violence. Our next episode looks at the fight culture in America and tries to figure out from where it comes and what we can do about it.

We're going to spend some time in Psalm 2 and James 4, so I imagine it's going to be wonderful. But then we're going to break off and look at the positive side of love. I'm really looking forward to that, and I hope that you'll be planning to join us and that you're looking forward to it as well.

Time is almost out for you to receive upgraded thank yous when you become a patron of Truth Love Parent. To find out more, just click the five ways to support TLP link in the description. And if you have a hateful child and need some help, please don't hesitate to write us at counselor at truthloveparent .com.

You can also send emails to teamTLP at truthloveparent .com to tell us how we're doing, suggest a topic for our future show, or share some helpful criticisms. It's true, we live in a world dominated by sin, lived out in hate, and motivated by self-worship.

We're all capable of becoming the worst versions of ourselves, but there is hope, and His name is Jesus. See you next time.

Truth. Love. Parent. Is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent. Join us next time as we search God's Word for the truth your family needs today.