TLP 278: Change Starts with Me, Part 3 | the fruit

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And no, those things cannot be said in a mean way.

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To say them in a mean way would mean that I'm not speaking them in love, because I'm being mean. Welcome to Truth.

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Love. Parents. Where we use God's Word to become intentional, premeditated parents.

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Here's your host, A .M. Brewster. Today we're going to talk about what this change that starts with you looks like, and then discuss how your change can influence your family.

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But before we do that, I want to thank Kara for making today's episode possible. She has been such an encouragement to me over the years.

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Her heart for the Lord, her desire to serve, and her willingness to invest in others has made it easier for us to continue producing these episodes from week to week.

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But I also have to thank Wilza Yu for leaving this review on iTunes.

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Quote, I have just recently found this podcast and I'm learning so much about how to apply biblical teaching to my parenting.

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With four children, I do not have time to read books, but having short podcasts at my fingertips has been so helpful.

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Thank you for using this format to help busy Christian parents, unquote. Thank you, Kara and Wilza Yu.

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You guys are great, and your support is an encouragement to everyone who listens. And since we are a listener -supported podcast, if you'd be interested in seeing how you can be an encouragement to everyone who listens, you can click on the 5

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Ways to Support TLP link in the description of this episode. Thank you for joining us today and for everything you'll do to spread news about Truth, Love, Parent and help us connect with more families.

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And if this happens to be your first episode with us, I want to invite you to do two things. First, you should probably start with episode 276, which was the first in the series.

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Or second, you could just go back to our very first episodes and join us for this parenting journey from the very beginning.

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Our content is evergreen, and since it builds on itself from season to season, I think you'll enjoy the process of working through the material from the beginning.

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But if you're returning for the final episode in this series, here we go. Ephesians 4 is the chapter that formally starts

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Paul's application section of his letter. Chapters 1 -3 dealt with the amazing truth of grace and salvation, and chapters 4 -6 shows us how those truths are to be lived out in our daily life and relationships.

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But chapter 4 in particular really focuses on the individuals and their responsibility to be changed into the image of Christ.

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So on our first episode, we talked about the goal of Christlikeness, its urgency, and community applications.

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Last time we discussed how on earth we humans were ever going to hope to accomplish that goal, and we saw that God is the source of that endeavor.

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Today we're going to investigate the fruit of personal change and how it affects our families. Also, at the end of today's transcript, at Taking Back the

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Family, I'm going to include the whole of chapter 4 with all the highlights I added that separate the passage into the goal, the source, and the fruit.

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First let me once again apologize that we're going to work through this information very quickly. We have at least 18 different specific fruits

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Paul is going to mention in this passage, and you may sit there wishing we could spend an entire episode or more on just one of these attributes, and I would love to do the same, and perhaps we will in the future.

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However, this series is more about us understanding how important it is that change starts with us, not so much studying out the implication of every possible kind of change.

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So there are three distinct lists Paul gives us that illustrate the fruit. Here's the first list of fruit.

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The first is found in verse 2. Let me read verses 1 and 2 just for context. I therefore, a prisoner of the

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Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called. And what is that call?

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Christlikeness. And what does that look like? Verse 2, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another, eager to maintain the unity of the

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Spirit in the bond of peace. So we see seven character traits of a Christ -honoring parent engaged in personal change on this first list.

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Number one, a changing parent is a humble parent. Two, a changing parent is a gentle parent.

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Three, a changing parent is a patient parent. Four, a changing parent is a loving parent.

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For this one, we also have to read verse 15, which says, rather, speaking the truth in love. Five, a changing parent is a unified parent.

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Three times in this passage, Paul talks about unity. In verse 3, we read, eager to maintain the unity of the

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Spirit in the bond of peace. Verse 13 sets the expectation of us attaining to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the

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Son of God. And verse 25 says we are members one of another. Number six, a changing parent is a peaceful parent.

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And seven, verse 12, a verse that we didn't read earlier, says that a changing parent is a ministering parent, to equip the saints for the work of the ministry, for the building up of the body of Christ.

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Now, like I said, it would be amazing to have an individual episode to really talk about what it means to be a humble parent and a gentle parent and a patient parent.

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And Lord willing, we will be able to tackle those concepts in the future. But for now, I'm happy to say that we do have a whole series on what it means to be a loving parent.

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You can check out the For a Family Love series to learn about that. For the idea of a unified parent, we have a number of episodes that explore that concept.

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Episode 86 deals with one flesh, one team. Your Family Needs to Go to Church series explores many of the important factors involved in being unified with the body of Christ.

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And let's be honest, nearly every one of our episodes is fundamentally geared toward helping you and your family be more unified.

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And then we have an entire really beautiful series called Peaceful Parenting. If you haven't heard that, you really need to.

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It's a gorgeous nine -part study in Philippians 4. And lastly, I think it's safe to say that every episode we've ever created is all about how we can be ministering parents.

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So if you've never gone back and just started listening from the beginning, I always encourage people that that's the best way to approach this podcast.

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So there you go. Those are some very helpful shows that can build on the truth we're flying through today. But before we move on to our second list of fruits, we need to grapple with these for a minute.

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Are you a humble parent? Are we growing in our gentleness? How's your patience?

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What about our biblical love? Are we unified with our spouses and our kids and our local body of believers in the

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Lord like we should be? Would your kids call you a peaceful parent? What about a ministering parent?

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Now, I'm not suggesting that a mature parent will be perfect in all these areas, but God is saying through the pen of Paul and the lips of Aaron Brewster that a changing parent will be growing in these areas from year to year.

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I can also add that since we never accidentally glorify God, we should be intentionally and premeditatedly pursuing growth in these areas.

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How can we expect our kids to grow in these areas if we're not pursuing them ourselves? Okay, so Paul gives us that first list of seven character traits a changing parent should be embracing.

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But then his next list has only two things we should avoid. Let's read verses 14 and 19.

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This is the second list of fruit. And in the second list, Paul tells us to not be like children or unbelievers.

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And then he offers two sub -lists in order to explain what he means. Number one, when he says not to be like children, he describes them as being double -minded, undiscerning, and deceived.

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This reminds me an awful lot of James 1, 5 through 8. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask

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God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.

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For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord. He is a double -minded man, unstable in all his ways.

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How many parents have you met that act like children? They're capricious, seem to have no common sense, and buy into the clear lies of sin.

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That's the type of parent Paul is commanding us not to be. But number two, Paul also says that a changing parent is not going to live like unbelievers.

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And he describes them as being futile, blind, separated, ignorant, hard, callous, sensual, greedy, and impure.

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We've talked a lot about some of those individual character traits in this show, but the one that sticks out to me the most is the word futile.

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We started this year talking about how your parenting is not in vain, and that one sticks out to me because the only way we can hope for any real purpose and success in our parenting is to do the work of the

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Lord. Unbelievers don't do the work of the Lord, they serve self. That's why their lives and their parenting is futile.

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So Paul gives us a list of seven positive things we should be, then a list of two things we shouldn't be, followed by a more specific list of 12 things we must avoid.

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So how about you? Could your kids describe you as being double -minded, undiscerning, or deceived in your parenting?

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Could our spouses stand in a court of law and present evidence that we are futile, blind, separated, ignorant, hard, callous, sensual, greedy, or impure?

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May it never be so for the Christian intentionally engaged in personal spiritual change. We should be moving away from those things.

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And then the third list of fruit is going to present about seven more character traits of mature, changing parents, and contrast them with the fruit of sinful parents.

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Let's look at the third list. The first contrast is given to us in verse 25. Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.

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Number one, a changing parent is a truthful parent, as opposed to a lying parent. It's sad to say that parents lie to their kids all the time.

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Yes, some deliberately set out to deceive their kids, and that's so wrong, but many other parents speak untruths to their kids because they, the parents, were the first to believe the lie.

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We deal with this in some detail in our Rock, Bread, and Donut series. This happens because we don't know God's truth, and we are left handing our kids the only thing we have left, our own version of truth.

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This underscores the importance of knowing the Bible. Let's review TLP's theme verse right from this passage.

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Rather, speaking the truth in love, that's the only way that we're to grow up every way into him who is the head into Christ.

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Number two, a changing parent is a righteously angry parent, as opposed to a sinfully angry parent.

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Verse 26 is a familiar one. Be angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger.

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And then there's verse 31. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice.

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We deal a lot with anger on this show, too. I'll link a number of episodes in the description of this episode if you're interested in learning how the two are different, the righteous anger and the sinful anger.

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It might interest you to know that one of them also talks about whether it's ever appropriate for a parent to raise his or her voice.

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Would your kids attach the word righteous to your anger? How about your spouse?

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Hmm. Number three, a changing parent is a hardworking parent, as opposed to a stealing parent.

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Verse 28 reads, let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need.

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We steal from our kids, dads, when we come home from work and immediately retreat into our rooms, dens, garages, gardens, and man caves and leave them behind.

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We steal from our kids, moms, when we cut corners in our parenting because I just can't take it anymore.

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And this leads us to another concept in the same verse. Number four, a changing parent is a giving parent, as opposed to a taking parent.

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The purpose of the thief learning to work is that he will be able to do the opposite of stealing. He'll be able to give and to give that which is most valuable to those who are in the most need.

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The Rock, Bread, and Donut series deals with this concept in some detail as well because it explores why we give our kids what we give them.

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Why do we give them rocks? It's a great question. Would your children say that you are hardworking?

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And I'm not talking about your job or the things you love. Are you hardworking in your parenting? Do you give your best to your kids?

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Do you work to serve? And then number five, a changing parent is an edifying parent, as opposed to corrupting parent.

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Verse 29 tells us, Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

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Now we're kind of running out of time, and I really appreciate your patience, but I need to land on this one for a little.

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First, the obvious truth here is that we need to edify those in our family. We need to build them up and not tear them down.

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But we also need to divorce these ideas from our current cultural understanding.

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The Greek word rendered building up is a construction term and can be defined figuratively as the act of one who promotes another's growth in Christian wisdom, piety, happiness, and holiness.

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Let me say that again. Simply the act of one who promotes another's growth in those Christian categories.

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And the idea of showing grace is often rightly defined as giving someone something they don't deserve.

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However, the world and our sinful hearts would have us believe that speech that is gracious and that builds us up is whatever speech we want to hear.

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If you want to affirm my sexuality or my lifestyle choices, then I accept that as edifying.

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It builds me up. But if you want to tell me that I'm wrong or sinning or doing something bad, well, now you're tearing me down. My friends, the world doesn't understand that the truth often does hurt.

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Now, yes, we are to share the truth in love, but that's not specifically referring to our tone of voice or word choice so much as it is the motivation that I'm saying what

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I'm saying because I believe it is the single most important thing for you and your relationship with God. And no, those things cannot be said in a mean way.

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To say them in a mean way would mean that I'm not really speaking them in love because I'm being mean. But that doesn't mean that a rebuke or correction or reproof or counsel or admonishment or even as Proverbs 27, 6 says, the wounds of a friend can't be loving.

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They can be. In fact, they all are. You see, Paul contrasts building up and gracious speech with corrupting speech.

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The word translated corrupting refers to something that is rotten or worthless. That refers to the kisses of an enemy just as much as they refer to unkind words.

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The motivation here really is the key. And yes, we need to do our best to make sure our motivation is best communicated.

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But we have to understand that Paul is not commanding us to only speak syrupy words of affirmation with only the sweetest tones and to never speak hard words of condemnation.

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Words of loving, biblical condemnation will build someone up in Christ far more than empty words of frivolous affirmation.

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Now, please don't misunderstand me, okay? Don't misunderstand what I just said. Affirmation does have its place.

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I'm not arguing against tender, compassionate language that only speaks positively about a person. I'm not saying that's bad.

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I'm not saying we shouldn't do that. That's super important. But this culture doesn't need to be reminded to do that.

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This generation of Christian parents needs to be reminded to say the hard things in a loving way, to speak the truth in love that won't always necessarily make the individual feel all mushy -gushy, but will build them up in their spiritual growth, will show them grace by giving them what they don't deserve, the love of God.

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So does your parenting build your kids up in Christ or simply add to the pointless noise in their lives?

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Okay, let's move on. Hopefully, I communicated myself clearly and lovingly. I really do want what's best for our families, and we need to understand what

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God means when He speaks. And this next point will help us with that. Number six, a changing parent is a filled -with -the -Spirit parent as opposed to a grieving -the -Spirit parent.

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Verse 30 warns us to not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. We grieve the

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Spirit when we sin, plain and simple, and we talked a lot about what it means to be filled by the Spirit in our

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Isaiah 11 parent series. Is your parenting filled with the Spirit of God, or is it controlled by your own sinful desires that grieves

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God? Now, wow, I know this is a huge list, and we haven't even reviewed it, and I'm not going to.

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In fact, we've probably already forgotten the other six things on this third list, let alone the first and second lists.

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Never fear. We have free episode notes at TruthLoveParent .com on our blog. I'll link that in the description and make sure they are nice and robust for you this time.

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And we also have a free transcript available, so you can review this at any time at your own pace. And finally, number seven, a changing parent is a kind, tender -hearted, forgiving -as -Christ parent as opposed to a bitter, wrathful, sinfully angry, clamorous, slanderous, and malicious parent.

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Verses 31 through 32 are familiar, and verse 32 is probably in our parenting Bible. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice.

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Be kind to one another, tender -hearted, forgiving one another, as God and Christ forgave you.

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I've known far too many bitter parents, and I believe bitterness is at the root of wrath and sinful anger, clamor, slander, and malice.

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We become so selfishly focused on how that person hurt or inconvenienced me that it's all we can focus on, but the bitter person rarely realizes they're fixated.

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It takes a loving friend to point that out. Is your parenting bitter? Have your kids hurt you so much that it consumes you?

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Is it easy for you to blame them for everything because you've already convinced yourself everything they do is wrong? My friends, change must start with us, and we need to be personally bearing these twenty or so fruits as we're being conformed to the image of Christ by the power of the

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Holy Spirit and the Word of God. But here's our final question for the day. Stick with me now.

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I know, again, we're a little bit over time. How does our change affect our families? Well, we actually saw the answer to that in our very first episode.

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I just didn't want to make a really big deal about it then. Do you remember when we said that the call to work toward the goal was urgent, and that the consummation of the goal was

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Christlikeness, and that the consequence of the goal was helping others with the goal? Let's revisit that for a second.

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Ephesians 4, 4 -5 and 12 -16. Pay careful attention. There is one body and one spirit, just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call, one

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Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all.

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We see very much the source there and part of the goal. To equip the saints for the work of the ministry, for building up the body of Christ until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the

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Son of God, to mature manhood. Remember, this is all of us attaining to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, so that all of us together may no longer be children tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness and deceitful schemes.

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Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow, see, we are to grow up in every way into Him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, pay close attention, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

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Each part of the body, joined and equipped correctly, changing and growing themselves, helps make the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

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And then we all attain to those things that were in the previous verses. If everyone in my house is unsaved and grieving

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God, can the Lord save my youngest child and mature her in His grace, even though the rest of us reject

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Him? Of course, praise God that He does this all the time. But is it easier for a child to teach and reprove and counsel and train his parents, or for a parent to teach and reprove and counsel and train his kids?

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Yeah, we know the answer. Deuteronomy 6 puts the onus on the parents to bring their children up in the nurture and admonition of the

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Lord by constantly putting His truth into their daily lives. If we are growing in Christ, and Ephesians 4 is being lived out in us, that sets us up for Ephesians 5 and 6.

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Wives, submit to your own husbands. Ask to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave

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Himself up for her. Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother, that it may go well with you.

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Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. God wants us parents to be the catalyst for change in our families.

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He expects change to start with us, not our kids. And boy, oh boy, do we need change.

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Let me share with you a few more episodes, and then I'll be done. First, in episode 215, we discuss the chief of sinners in your home.

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And it's because of the chief of sinners that I started this whole podcast with the episode, Why Is It Always About Me?,

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and ended season one with an episode called The Most Potentially Destructive Influence in the Life of Your Child. We must be daily conforming to the image of Christ, but we also have to understand what truly successful parenting is.

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The episode, Your Parenting is Not in Vain, references another called, What is Successful Parenting? You really should listen to that if you haven't yet.

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It is so encouraging. It's the only way I can parent with joy. It's why I can work at Victory Academy with joy.

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Now I know I've shared a lot of episodes with you today, a lot of lists, a lot of character traits, and I set the bar really high.

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Well, here's why. Truth Love Parent is a Bible -based masterclass in parenting.

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That's really what we're trying to be, and we're going to develop this concept more in the future. We want to provide true master -level classes in parenting, not because it's coming from master parents, but because God has called us to be

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Christ -honoring, God -like, holy parents. So we need to have a masterclass.

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We need to be training. We need to be learning this stuff. I share these episodes so you can take your study of these concepts to the next level.

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I'm studying it for myself because I need it, and I'm sharing it with you because I love you. Now, this podcast is not about catching the newest episodes so you don't miss out on some current event or parenting fad.

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It's about carefully working through the scriptures to discover the kind of parents God called and created us to be.

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So be intentional. Be premeditated. Study this series carefully. Download the notes.

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Listen to the cited episodes and share this series with your friends so they too can be the start of change in their homes.

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I really pray this series has been a huge blessing. If it has, please let us know by sending us an email to TeamTLP at TruthLoveParent .com

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or write something on Facebook or leave us a review on iTunes. Now on our next episode, I'm super excited to announce that we are going to have two special guests who want to share with us their personal testimony of how their family change started with them.

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I'm so excited about sharing that episode with you. Lord willing, their personal experience with these truths will encourage all of us and have us praising

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God for the amazing blessing that it is to be His child and parent our children. So to that end,

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I will see you next time. Truth. Love. Parents. Is part of the

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Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional, premeditated parent.

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Join us next time as we search God's Word for the truth your family needs today.