Red Flags When Visiting A New Church

Welcome to the Church Experience as Performance

Good morning everyone and welcome to Salivate Church. I'm your event coordinator and experience enhancer, the Reverend Chad, associate to our senior vision caster. Good morning and welcome to Super Abundance Church where we believe in giving in order to receive.

In the seats in front of you, you're going to find a commitment card. Please take it and fill it out and make sure you include your annual salary and your credit card number so that we can begin to auto-draft your tithe.

Patriotic Spectacle and Bible Version Policing

Welcome to Constitution Community Church where we celebrate the Holy Trinity and the blessed Donald Trump. Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance and remain standing for the National Anthem as we release a live bald eagle inside our sanctuary.

We're so glad to see so many visitors this morning at Authorized Version Bible Church. We hope everyone brought along a copy of their King James Bible. And if you didn't, we have one to provide for you.

We also have trash cans in the back for anyone who brought along an NIV, ESV, or any other perversion of the text. Please discard them on your way out. Welcome to Church on the Way where everyone is welcome in our worship center, except children who are required to either go to Way Nursery, Way Children's Church, or Way Youth because our pastor does not like any distractions and his sermons are not always G-rated.

Rock Concert Worship and Casual Lord's Supper

Kids in the sanctuary, we say, no way. Welcome to Excite Worship Center. This morning, our in-house worship band, Trial by Fire, is going to be taking us to a series of songs, including Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana, Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne, and Inner Sandman by Metallica.

Let's get ready to rock for Jesus.

Today at Generation Next Church, we're going to be having our annual participation in the Lord's Supper. But just to prove that we're not your grandmother's church, we're going to be using nacho cheese Doritos and Diet Coke.

Gender Politics and Prophetic Claims

Welcome to the Smash the Patriarchy Temple. In just a few moments, our pastrix, the Right Reverend Barb, is going to come forward and share with us a word from the Lord that she received in a dream last night.

Afterwards, the only two men in our congregation are going to be brought forward and rightfully chastised for the sin of toxic masculinity.