TLP 307: Parenting Fearful Children | the realities of bad fear

Help your child feel safe. A warm embrace and gentle words may do the trick. We want them in a frame of mind where they can learn what they need to know to conquer their fear. If they're slavishly giving in to deceptive emotions, truth may not resonate.

Welcome to Truth. Love. Parent. Where we use God's Word to become intentional premeditated parents.

Here's your host, AM Brewster. Last time we learned that there is, in fact, good fear. And as ambassador parents who want what's best for our children, we need to be prepared to parent them into good fear.

Good Fear, Bad Fear, and the Goal of Parenting Fearful Children

In fact, without good fear, bad fear will control our lives. Of course, we also saw that good fear doesn't look anything like what we normally consider when we think of fear. I don't know about you, but I picture someone who's irrational in their thinking.

I imagine screaming and hiding and shaking and wetting themselves. I think of people who are chained in their lifestyles because they can't bring themselves to drive anywhere or drink milk. Of course, there are lightweight versions of fear.

There's the polite decline when someone is invited onto a boat. There are these seemingly lighthearted comments like, I just can't stand spiders, which often translates into when I see a spider, I become an irrational nightmare.

There's the individual who was thrown from a horse who refuses to ever get back on because they have now become a stalwart mouthpiece sounding the siren call of equestrian safety. And none of that is the kind of fear we want to see in our children or us for that matter.

And that's the type of parenting we're going to discuss today. But first, I want to thank Matt and Sonia for making today's episode possible. I bumped into Sonia and her mother while in Memphis at the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors Conference.

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Defining Fear Biblically and the Difference Between Good and Bad Fear

Okay, let's talk about fearful children. Two episodes ago, we discussed the realities of fear. If you haven't heard that episode or the last, you really need to listen to them first or today's episode will likely just not benefit you.

But by way of review, biblically speaking, fear is an emotional ornament tied to the branch of believing something is dangerous, which grows from the root of mistrust. Good fear is a trust that the things God says are dangerous are always dangerous.

Therefore, we fear sin and its consequences. Of course, we also fear God. Now again, please make sure you're thinking correctly. No one at TLP is advocating for a religion based off of terror. The followers of false gods need to scare people into obeying their false God because they have no relationship with their followers and they have no real power.

But the one true God doesn't need fear to persuade. Though we are to fear the Lord, the Bible says that God is love, not God is fear. However, if we love him and if we have half a brain in our heads, we acknowledge that God is to be feared and have no problem doing so.

And that fear has two dynamics. There's a reverential awe for his grandeur and majesty and a sanctified dread of displeasing he who is so powerful and amazing. And if you think that's just a despicable way to describe God, let's be honest.

You're being a hypocrite. It's the same type of relationship you want with your kids. You don't want them obeying you because they're afraid of you, but you do want them to respect you. You do want them to desire to please you because they love you.

You do want them to wisely dislike the consequences that come upon them for their disobedience. And you do want them to love you so much that they would be afraid to hurt you. And that's what we're describing when we talk about the fear of the Lord.

That's an appropriate way to define fear because it's a simple belief and accompanying emotion much of the time based off the fact that it's dangerous for us to sin for us. But it's also dangerous for us to sin against others for their sake.

And one of the reasons it's dangerous is that it displeases God and we should love him too much to want that. And those are the primary consequences of any sin. So all of that is good fear. Then what's bad fear?

Bad fear would be believing something to be dangerous that is not dangerous. There are various degrees of this. Let's work through them now. Number one, it's foolish to believe there is danger where there is none.

Foolish Fear, Wisdom, and Teaching Children to Trust Reality

The shadow of a stuffed animal and the imagined contents of that creepy corner of the basement possess no real danger, at least not the kind of danger imagined by a three-year-old. We would say that fearing that which is not fearful is foolish.

And that's what this category is. It's foolishness versus wisdom. And there are two sides to this foolishness. We can imagine there is danger where there is none, or we can imagine there is no safety where there actually is.

How do you parent a child in this situation? Well, wisdom is the application of knowledge and understanding. Therefore, in order to parent toward wisdom, we must start with teaching. And this teaching must not merely be impartation of truth.

It must also guide toward understanding and then help the child apply that truth wisely. This one is probably the easiest to parent. When something is verifiably true, it's not super hard to help the child see the facts.

Consider Proverbs 3 21 through 26. My son, do not lose sight of these. Keep sound wisdom and discretion, and they will be life for your soul and adornment for your neck. Then you will walk on your way securely, and your foot will not stumble.

If you lie down, you will not be afraid. When you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. Do not be afraid of sudden terror or of the ruin of the wicked when it comes, for the Lord will be your confidence, and he will keep your foot from being caught.

When our children take what they know about the situation and what they know about God, understand it and believe it, they will not fear. Now, there's a lot more that could be said about this. For example, what do you do when your child just won't trust us when we say there is no danger?

But I think those questions will be answered as we move to our next points. Number two, it's always sinful to lose our spirit control. Ephesians 5 15 through 21. Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise, but as wise, making the best use of the time because the days are evil.

Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

As we parent our children to be wise, we will parent them in self-control. Bad fear is sinful because anytime a person loses control, they are not functioning in a Christ-honoring way. It doesn't matter if the child is overreacting when there is no real danger or if they're overreacting when there is real danger.

Both responses are wrong, but the second one can actually be worse. Let me give you a perfect example. I keep bees. I absolutely love it, and I've been doing it for almost a decade. When I tend to the bees, I don't use any smoke or special garments.

I go out there wearing whatever I happen to be wearing. I don't put on gloves or any netting over my head. Now when the bees are all flying through the air acting the way God created bees to act, they will fly all around you and even land on you.

When they feel a little threatened, they may even go so far as to bump into you or to buzz around aggressively. They really only sting when they have decided that you are a legitimate threat to them or their colony.

Here's the thing. Freaking out and swinging your arms wildly is only going to get you stung regardless of how the bees are at that particular moment. Squishing a bee who is not stinging you is the last thing you want to do because it can enrage the other bees who may or may not have been previously upset.

Listen, I do know what I'm talking about. Okay, I can say with all honesty. I'm a professional with this. Okay, if a bee has gotten annoyed by something I've done, the single best thing I can do is just stand still and drain myself of all emotion.

That would include fear. I don't run, swat, scream, or really do anything. I pretend to be an inanimate object and eventually the bee loses interest and goes back to what she was doing. I really only ever get stung a couple times a year.

There was actually a three-year stretch where I didn't get stung even once and I was working with multiple hives. But the moment I take my students out to see the bees, it's amazing how many of them standing nowhere near the hive either get stung or get close to being stung.

They flinch and run and swat at anything near them. So this bee, on her way out to get honey, gets smacked by this person, totally freaking out for no good reason, and that ticks her off, so she gets some of her friends to teach this guy a lesson.

How did any of that help the situation? Of course, I've also have had well-balanced, obedient, and calm students in the middle of a plague-like swarm of bees without a single issue, all because they had self-control.

Now, please understand, this is not some kind of pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps kind of self-control. What we're really talking about is submission to God, His truth, and His will that allows the Holy Spirit to guide and empower everything we do.

Now, please hear me as I say this next sentence with all the love, compassion, care, and humility I can muster. If you lose control, start screaming and basically freak out over a perfectly harmless spider, you're not only displeasing God, you're also teaching your children to live foolishly by substituting truth for irrationality.

A wise person understands the will of the Lord. They're filled with the Spirit, and look what pours out of such a person, okay? They address one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs. They sing and make melody to the Lord with their hearts.

They give thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, and they submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. That is the response of a self-controlled follower of God.

Not an overreaction, not irrationality. The previous category of fear was foolishness versus wisdom. This category is a loss of control versus self-control. In situations like this, we must parent in knowledge for understanding, but we also must tie in the very real fact that the Holy Spirit desires to sanctify the people of God.

He's the one who empowers us to do what is seemingly impossible in our own flesh, like, you know, dealing with a spider. Now, if you've been with TLP for any length of time, and you really should consider getting caught up on past episodes, if you haven't, they are evergreen and eternally relevant, you'll recognize that this sounds an awful lot like our Teach Your Children to Obey series.

True obedience is doing the right thing. Knowledge in the right way. Understanding for the right reasons in the right power. Spirit control. So when your child starts uncontrollably crying, hyperventilating, screaming, and uncontrollably shaking, here's what you need to understand.

Your child is believing something that is untrue. They need to be shown reality, and they need to choose to believe reality. And here's some guidelines for approaching such situations. Number one, you obviously need to make sure your child is safe.

Obviously, if the child is overreacting to a real danger, you need to protect them from the danger and from the additional danger they're likely creating by freaking out before you go addressing the fact that they shouldn't be freaking out.

Number two, it's good to help the child feel safe. This is especially helpful in situations where there is nothing legitimate to fear. A warm embrace and gentle words may do the trick. We want them in a frame of mind where they can learn and understand what they need to know to conquer their fear, and if they're slavishly giving in to deceptive emotions, truth may not resonate.

Three, you need to teach them what is true about the situation. Four, you need to teach for understanding. Throwing bricks haphazardly onto a pile will not create a valuable wall. In the same way, tossing random facts at our kids without the mortar of understanding to cement the truth together will not result in the protection from fear our kids need.

Five, you will also need to remind them of God's expectation for their spirit-filled behavior. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. It's a mandatory thing for Christians. 2 Timothy 1 .7 says,. Six, and then you need to provide opportunities for your child to take their knowledge and understanding and put it to work in their lives.

This is the proverbial get back on the horse step. Maybe in the moment, maybe sometime later, your child will need to pet that snake, get back on that bicycle, squash that bug, tell the dog no, or check under their own bed.

As they flex this spiritual muscle and, assuming they're born again, rely on the empowerment of the Holy Spirit, they will find that fear is not the temptation it once was, and the occurrences of a complete loss of control will disappear.

Trusting God More Than Danger

Number three, it's a sin to trust the danger more than you trust God. We could say it's a sin to believe in the danger more than you believe in God. Consider Peter on the Sea of Galilee. In Matthew 14, 22 through 33, we read, Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side while he dismissed the crowds.

And after he dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone. But the boat by this time was a long way from the land, beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them.

And in the fourth watch of the night, he came to them, walking on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified and said, It's a ghost! And they cried out in fear. So these rugged fishermen are overreacting.

So what does Jesus do? What he does should be instructional for us. He requires them to respond to reality. But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, Take heart, it is I. Do not be afraid. And Peter answered him, Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.

He said, Come. So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and beginning to sink, he cried out, Lord, save me. Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, Oh, you of little faith, why did you doubt?

And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased, and those in the boat worshipped him, saying, Truly, you are the son of God. We've looked at foolishness versus wisdom and loss of control versus spirit control.

This is irrationality versus discernment. Jesus was left way far behind on land. He appears to them in the middle of the lake, walking on the water, and Jesus extends Peter the ability to walk on the water.

But then all of this truth gets tossed out the window because of the same wind and waves that were there before Jesus walked up. Now, granted, this was, of course, a harrowing challenge. It's obviously completely outside of my realm of experience, but we can see the irrationality of Peter's response.

Everything about the situation, in fact, the same truth that caused him to get out of the boat in the first place, should have instilled in him all the confidence in the world, but he allowed himself to have an irrational thought instead of using discernment to realize that he was in the safest place in the world at that moment.

And it's when he stopped rationally trusting God that he fell into danger. Well, Aaron, you're being a little hard on Peter. No, I'm not. Actually, Jesus is. The only logical, discerning conclusion to which a spiritually minded person could come in that situation was exactly what Jesus said, Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?

Like it was the most obvious thing in the world. I know that when we're afraid our emotions have convinced us that all is lost and the sky is falling, but our emotions are lying to us. The only thing that can truly overpower deceitful emotions is always going to be a Christ-acknowledging mind.

Too often we try to assuage our children's negative emotions with positive emotions, but emotions are capricious and fleeting regardless of whether they're happy or sad. We need to give our children substance.

The truth of God is a shield and strength. It can overcome anything. It can definitely overcome ours and our children's fear. So when it comes to irrationality versus discernment, it's a problem of interpretation.

Your child is viewing the circumstances and believing that the danger of the issue is greater than the security of God. And they're obviously coming to the wrong conclusion. We teach a lot about the importance of helping our kids interpret life correctly.

I'll include some of those links below. This kind of fear is just prevalent in our society. Yes, it's dangerous to be a missionary in a foreign field. Yes, it's dangerous to tell the bully no. Yes, it's dangerous to drive a car.

It's dangerous to mow the lawn. But are we to shut down and refuse to do those things because of the inherent danger? Some people choose that method. No, though. We are to trust the Lord and obey Him.

Obeying Him will involve getting the right training and understanding and putting all of that into practice through the power of the Holy Spirit. And let's be honest. This is not a heretical call to a health and wealth prosperity gospel when Jesus and Paul and Peter were exactly where God wanted them.

They all died. But is that a legitimate reason to be afraid? We define fear as an emotion you experience when you believe something to be dangerous. But listen, it may be dangerous to be a missionary to the United Arab Emirates.

But if that's where God wants you, it would be significantly more dangerous to stay home. Our fear of disobeying God will always diminish our fear of everything else. In Matthew 10, 26 through 33, Jesus said, So have no fear of them, and do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul.

Rather, fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your father. But even the hairs on your head are all numbered.

Fear not. Therefore, you are of more value than many sparrows. So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge before my father who is in heaven. But whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my father who is in heaven.

Denying God before man is the result of unbelief that damns to hell. That is far more dangerous than losing your head for the sake of the gospel. It's completely biblical to say that it's irrational to be afraid when God has promised to protect you.

Now, there will be some who say, Aaron, with an attitude like that, people will just step in front of buses thinking that God will protect them. No, they won't. Security comes from following Christ. That involves knowing him and understanding him and using wisdom and discernment to live like him in this life.

If Jesus, who had the divine promise that the angels would not let him dash his foot against a rock, would not jump off the temple when tempted by Satan, he definitely wouldn't step in front of a bus to test the promises of the Father.

And neither should we. Fearlessness does not equate to recklessness. Recklessness does. It equates to wisdom and Christlikeness and holiness. That's what fearlessness is. Irrational fear is a sin. It denies truth by ignoring the promises of God.

So the best way to parent our children through such difficulties is to guide them back to God's promises. Psalm 34 4 says,. The phrase fear not is used 34 times in the ESV. Do not fear is used an additional 37 times.

Isaiah 41 10 says, Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 1 Peter 5 6 -7. I could go on and on with this, but we must consider our last point.

Idolatry, Anxiety, and Learning to Fear God Alone

Number one, it's foolish to believe there is danger where there is none. Two, it's always sinful to lose our spirit control. Three, it's a sin to trust the danger more than you trust the God. And four, it's a sin to say that something is dangerous when God says it's not.

My friend, it's foolish to define danger differently than God does. This is a question of worship. It's now idolatry versus the worship of God. God says that we should not be afraid, even if the situation or individual involves genuine danger.

It will never be more dangerous than disobeying God. And since it's sinful to contradict God, believing that it's okay to be worried or anxious or afraid when God says it's not is, in itself, the most dangerous thing you or your child could do.

That's what you need to avoid. That's what should scare you. It's sinful to trust yourself more than you trust God. Your perception of the situation should never trump God's. That's not discerning. That's irrational.

That's not spirit-controlled. That's ridiculous. That's not wise. It's foolish. This is why the biblical answer for fear is always faith in God. Mark 4, 39 through 40, why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?

1 Peter 5, 7, casting all your anxieties on him because he cares for you. Philippians 4, 6 through 7, Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Matthew 6, 25 through 34, I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?

Look at the birds of the air. They neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to a span of life?

And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow. They neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you?

O you of little faith, therefore do not be anxious saying, what shall we eat or what shall we drink? What shall we wear? For the Gentiles seek after all these things and your heavenly father knows that you need them all, but seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you.

Therefore do not be anxious. How many times has he said that? Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Now again, I could go on and on because God goes on and on and on on this particular subject.

The world would have us believe that fear is inevitable and inescapable. That is patently not true. Now, is it possible that something like an outbreak of candida may cause us to feel an adrenaline rush akin to anxiety?

Yes. Should you seek medical attention if you have unexplainable bouts of glutamate that forces too much cortisol and adrenaline into your system? Yes. But there should be no reason to fear. There need not be any foolishness, lack of self-control, irrationality, or lack of faith in God just because your body is producing a chemical reaction that resembles fear.

The truth about God hasn't changed. Isaiah 26 3 is a promise. You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you. Why? Because he trusts in you. Now, I don't want to be accused of oversimplifying the situation.

I personally have been afraid of many things. I also have been a counselor for over a decade and I've always worked very closely with medical professionals because I would not be considered one myself.

And I have never, listen very carefully, never had a counselee who experienced anxiety for solely physical reasons. In fact, I can say that the root of all of my counselee's fear and my own was a lack of knowledge, understanding, and trust concerning God and his promises.

And that really shouldn't surprise any of us because that's what the Bible says. In the times a counselee had a medical issue that created similar feelings to foolish, uncontrolled, irrational, unbelieving fear, they learned to calm their spirit in the throes of bodily discomfort.

With careful attention to their physical health and wellness, those occurrences decreased. But when they happened, they didn't automatically demand a loss of spiritual peace. All throughout the Bible, God says fear not for two reasons.

Number one, we do live in a world wherein it is easy to be tempted to fear. But two, regardless of that temptation, 1 Corinthians 10 13 says no temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful and he will not let you be tempted to beyond your ability.

But with the temptation, he will also provide the way of escape that you may be able to endure it. No Christian needs to live in fear of anything other than his great God. And that reverential fear of God and the consequences of sin overshadows all the other fears of his life.

What is a science test in light of God? What is a scary sound when you know the creator of the universe? What is cancer in the face of the great physician? What are financial stresses to the owner of all resources?

What is the safety and care of our children to the comfort and control of the Lord? I really just don't care if you're a mother. You don't get to worry. It doesn't matter how huge the weight you're bearing.

Fear is not an option if you are a child of God. So we can train our children to overcome bad fear. It can be done. So allow me to finish with a checklist. Number one, keep your kids healthy. Two, before fear strikes teach them the biblical understanding in place of emotions.

Teach them about adrenaline and respect. Help them have a biblical definition of fear. Three, teach them about God's character and person. He's a savior and a refuge because he's powerful and loving and kind and sovereign.

Four, then help them understand what the fear of the Lord is and how it grows from who and what he is. Five, when physical danger strikes make sure they are physically safe. Help them to do the most Christ honoring thing in the situation.

Six, when spiritual danger strikes make sure they are spiritually safe. Help them respond in the most Christ honoring way. Seven, this will involve reminding them of reality. Who God is, who they are, what fear is, what part emotions should play in our choices.

Eight, admonish them to respond wisely, not foolishly. Rationally, not irrationally. Spirit-controlled, not uncontrolled. And God-worshipping, not self-worshipping. Nine, and pray. Learning to allow truth to overcome emotions takes a lot of maturity.

Be patient and bathe your kids in prayer that they may know God and submit to him. Thank you so much for your patience today. I know we went longer than usual. Be sure to check out the description of this episode for more shows concerning emotions, fear, and peace.

And I'll see you next time when we discuss the point of nearly every conversation. I'll see you then.

Truth. Love. Parents is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent. Join us next time as we search God's word for the truth your family needs today.