WWUTT 1675 Q&A Discussing Difficult Topics With Your Kids (Part 3)

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How do you tell your children what's okay for them to look at, and what they shouldn't be looking at? How do you teach them about appropriate dress, or what language they can use?

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Discussing difficult topics with your kids, when we understand the text. This is

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When We Understand The Text, a daily Bible study in the Word of God. For he who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it at the day of Christ.

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Visit our website at www .tt .com. Here once again is Pastor Gabe. Thank you,

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Becky. You're welcome. So here we are at part three. Three.

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Well, technically part four. Yes. If you count the... The spanking.

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Yeah, yeah. The spanking episode. That sounds weird. That was episode 1655, where we talked about spanking.

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Then 1660 was part one. We did part two last week, and now we're at part three.

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So 1665 was like a prequel. Yeah. Yeah. I was going to say precursor, but yeah, prequel.

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We've been talking about discussing difficult topics with your kids.

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I feel like I have to articulate that every time, because I almost say disgusting difficult topics with your kids.

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Well, sometimes. A lot of our topics with our kids do kind of devolve into the disgusting.

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Did you see this sheep? You saw this sheep picture, right? I saw a picture of it, yes. So speaking of disgusting,

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I just was reminded of this picture that I had over here.

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Last night in the kids group that our children attend here at the church, our five -year -old did a picture of a sheep.

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On a Wednesday night. On a Wednesday evening. Yeah. Okay, right. We're recording this on a Thursday, so this would have been on a

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Wednesday night. So she did a picture of a sheep, and it goes with John 10, 27 to 28.

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My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand.

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That was their theme verse. Their memory verse came from that. So Mariah, our five -year -old, has to make a sheep, and she makes this very creative sheep with the cotton balls.

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It's one of those kinds of things where you're gluing cotton balls to the page. He's got a great big beard. She said he's got three teeth.

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There's his teeth right there. And she said something like 80 horns up here. The way she was -

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Kind of spikes off the top of him. And the way she was describing it, it was almost kind of like, this sounds like the beast in Revelation.

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All right, fair enough. 10 horns and 10 diadems and all that, the whole thing. But then down here, she's got this little thing, and I'm like -

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Dashes underneath him. Dashes underneath, and I said, well, what is that? And she said, he's peeing. This was shortly after we took them to the zoo, and we saw animals doing this.

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Pretty much every other display, every other exhibit we went to. I think we hit them right after they ate.

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Must have been. So, this sticks in the mind of our five -year -old, and she makes a sheep.

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Of course. Oh, there was a goat that she was running up to. I remember this. The little petting zoo area, so where the kids can go in and they can pet the goats and stuff like that.

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There was a goat that we told her to stop running toward because he was peeing. Maybe that's what it was.

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It traumatized him. Maybe that's how this came about, yeah. So, she showed that to Pastor Tom and described the whole thing, and he just cracked up, busted a gut.

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It's art therapy, I guess. Tell us how you really feel,

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Mariah. I have it in my office. It's not yet gone up on a bulletin board or anything like that, but it's here.

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It's in my office. This precious picture. Oh, dear.

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I love pictures for my kids, but this one's a treasure. So, that came to mind as I'm trying to articulate discussing difficult topics with your kids.

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Our children readily understand bodily function. They've got that down. So, what have we talked about so far?

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A few weeks ago, we began this by talking about right and wrong. You're establishing what truth is to your children and that our standard of truth is the

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Bible. When you give them right and wrong, there's a right way to do things and a wrong way to do things.

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If you're doing what's contrary to what is right, you're doing what is wrong. Then, you have to discipline your children when they do what is wrong.

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If you have a rule that doesn't have a consequence, then it's not a rule. It's a suggestion.

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It's a suggestion. So, discipline is very important to reinforce their understanding of right and wrong.

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Then, we talked about death and life, and that can be coupled with teaching them right and wrong because death is a consequence for sin.

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So, when your children ask, why do people die? Well, it's because of sin. A person dies not necessarily because they did something evil, and so God struck them down in that moment as punishment for the sin that they did.

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Well, I mean, that does happen in the Bible. Sure, sure. But not every time. I'm saying, yeah, grandpa did not die because he did something evil in that moment, but we all have sinned, and the wages of sin is death.

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But the free gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. So, as you're talking about sin, you tell your children about death being the consequence of sin and life that we've been given through Jesus Christ, being able to work the gospel into those lessons of right and wrong and life and death.

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We talked last week about sex. We talked about abuse, sexual abuse even.

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How do you teach your children what sex abuse is? Somebody touches them in a certain way, you want them to tell you about that.

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So, you're open about that with your kids, instructing them exactly. Somebody touches your private parts, your parts that are not meant for anybody else, and somebody does that and then threatens you somehow.

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So, if you tell anybody about this, I'm going to hurt you, I'm going to hurt mommy and daddy or whatever. They're liars. You come tell mommy and daddy that this happened.

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Or if somebody strikes you, we didn't talk about that so much, but if you've got your kids in public school or they're playing with kids or whatever, somebody just hauls off and hits them.

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Or maybe they're being supervised by an adult and it turns out that adult strikes your child. You want to tell your kids in advance that they can tell you about those things as well.

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So, you're developing that level of trust with your kids, that communication very, very early on.

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Yes. They know that they can come to mom and dad about anything. As Becky pointed out, you still need to be nosy though.

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You need to be snoopy. Yes. You need to know what your kids are looking at, what they're getting into, how they use their technology devices, whether that's a computer, if you have a smartphone that they are using, or whatever

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TV shows they're watching, things like that. Even their friends, it's okay to make sure that they are walking with the

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Lord, if you will. Yes. Yes. And because you are the company you keep. Right. There are certain people we have not let our kids hang out with.

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There's nobody at our church, but kids in the neighborhood or something, I will tell them, no, you can't go over to that person's house because we don't know mom and dad that well.

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Or I do know mom and dad, and so you can't go over to their house.

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We probably won't tell them why. Right. But we are very careful with who they hang out with. They may have certain friends who will say, your friend can come over here, but I would rather that you not go over there.

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So yeah, you need to be careful about who your kids hang out with. Several years ago, I remember hearing somebody say, this may have been

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Dr. James Dobson, it could have been somebody else, but we're kind of past the day of the sleepover.

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Yeah. You need to be really, really careful. If you're ever going to let your kids go to anybody's house for a sleepover, know them really well.

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Mm hmm. But the safest measure is just to say, hey, no sleepover. We don't do sleepovers.

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Yeah. You can play all day long together, but at nighttime, you're going to come home, you're going to sleep in your own bed.

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Yeah. So, yeah, establishing those kinds of things with your kids, we're kind of delving into topics now we didn't get into last week.

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But this week, we want to mention, I want to mention pornography. So we come back to the sex subject again, and we're also going to discuss briefly divorce and remarriage and foul language.

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OK. OK. So first of all, pornography, because we talked last week about sex and once again, reinforcing that when you're talking about sex, you are not making a joke out of it.

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It's very easy to do that. But sex is a sacred thing. So you want to talk about it in a serious way.

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And last week, mentioned using the Bible to be able to teach kids about sex. If you ever read about the virgin birth, with Mary being a virgin when she is found to be with child with the baby

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Jesus, you know, explaining to your kids what a virgin is. Or when we read about circumcision, that's all over the

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Bible, explaining to your children what circumcision is. Now, if you've got any two kids, it doesn't matter whether you have a girl and a girl, a boy and a boy.

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But definitely, if you have a boy and a girl, they know there's differences between them and they're going to ask about those differences.

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So they've already asked questions about anatomy and things like that. And you've explained those things. You're talking about like boy parts and girl parts, generally kind of the language we use, especially when they're really young.

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You don't want to you don't want to keep from using the language, though. Right. Like they've got to hear those words from somebody.

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So they may as well be you. Right. Now, recently, my son heard a four letter word for his private part.

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And he asked me, he's 10 years old. He asked me, what is that? What is that word? What does it mean?

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And I told him. And he's like, oh, OK. And he said, I've heard some men with that name.

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Uh -huh. I said, right. It does doesn't mean the same thing as somebody's name.

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But don't call somebody that as a disparaging word, which is the way that he heard it used.

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So don't use it as a as a name you're making fun of somebody else. We'll get to that in a moment. We talked about we talk about foul language.

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But you want to use those words with your kids so they hear them from you talking about anatomy and things like that.

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So that way, they've they've heard the words, they know what they are, and they understand their own anatomy in a serious way.

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It is not an accident that our bodies were made this way. God intentionally created our bodies this way.

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It's not like God made man one way and woman another way. And then Satan snuck in the garden and stuck some different parts on him.

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Right. You know, we we are who we are by God's design. Male and female. He created them.

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Genesis 127. Definitely. So he created our parts the way that they are so that a man would marry a woman and the two of them would become one flesh and they would be fruitful and multiply.

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And that's what those parts are for. So explain those things to your kids and help them to understand these parts that you have that distinguish you as a boy and distinguish you as a girl are are private.

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They're not for other people to see or touch or anything else. You can talk to your kids about modesty, talking to them about this is why we tell you to wear certain things that you wear.

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Even though you may not have those parts now that are, you know, like on a girl, especially she doesn't have curves.

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She doesn't she hasn't grown breasts yet. But yet you're still going to want to establish early that she's dressing modestly.

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So when she gets older and she is wearing those things, we're wearing clothes that are are not revealing her figure.

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You know, we'll put it that way. So she's wearing modest clothing. It doesn't become awkward, right?

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Like now she's growing up and she and her body's changing. So you're telling her to wear different clothes.

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Yeah, that can create a sense of shame, especially when you're talking about an adolescent. You're talking about a middle school girl that's starting to go through those changes in her body.

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And suddenly you're saying, you got to put this on. You got to put this on. Yeah, I was very rebellious. And I was like, I wore it before.

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Why can't I wear it now? Right. And then it just created that sort of awful, what do you call that?

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Not just rebellious, but also just mean. I was just mean as a child.

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I'm going to do my own thing. Yep. And all of our kids. And back when

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I was young, we didn't have all this girl empowerment stuff. Now it's dangerous to have that attitude because the world encourages it.

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It's, oh man, I was a bear. You were bad enough in the 90s.

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Imagine how you would be now. Right. It would be awful. Now all of our kids have gone through some level of,

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I'm wearing what I want to wear. So we establish young, what's okay for them to wear at home, but then what they have to put on when they go out of the house.

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We establish that young and then you don't have to fight those battles when they get older. If you haven't been doing that and now you're arguing with your teenage girl, sorry, but you got to stick to your guns.

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Yes. Definitely. You've got to remain firm on this is okay to wear and this is not okay.

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I had a lot of friends, friends who were girls in high school, not girlfriends, but friends in high school who were girls that I knew were challenging their fathers trying to get his attention.

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So they would wear something to get his attention and it was almost like they're trying to push the boundary, but dad's just letting them walk out in whatever.

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I watched a lot of my friends go through that. I remember there was a friend of mine who was an upstanding

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Christian guy and he was dating this girl who wanted to date a

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Christian guy, but she did not have a good family background. There was one time we went to go pick her up at her house and she came out in something that was like, you wouldn't let her wear that to bed.

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It might not have been quite that skimpy, but it was pretty skimpy and I'm looking at him and I'm like,

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I didn't want to say anything because I'm like, I'm not going to make a comment about her to my friend, but I'm still just like, man, what are you thinking?

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And we don't have patriarchy mindsets. So it's not like you need to tell her to put some clothes on, you know, that's not where we were as guys, but it was still just kind of like, we know this is inappropriate, but we don't really know how to confront the issue.

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So we got to where we were going and she had a bag with her. She went into the bathroom and came out completely inappropriately clothed.

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And so it was like she left the house to try to challenge dad, are you going to catch me?

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Are you going to tell me to put more clothes on or not? And then when she got to where we were going, she changed clothes and was like that for the rest of the time that we were together.

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So anyway, all that to say that, you know, I've, I've witnessed teenage girls kind of try to get the attention of their fathers, a father who is ignoring his teenage daughter.

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And so she'll dress less and less to try to get his attention and try to get the boy's attention in the meantime, you know?

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So anyway, starting young on, on making sure that your kids understand what modesty is and what clothes they need to wear to cover up those parts that are supposed to be kept private.

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Now, likewise, as you're teaching them those things, you're also going to teach them maybe not real early, but a little bit later on.

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Just don't wait too long, right? That it's not OK for you to oogle over somebody else's private parts.

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So you're not looking for those images, even though there are people out there who take their clothes off and love to flaunt their bodies very sexually, very inappropriately before the world.

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We are supposed to protect our eyes. Especially with summer coming up. Yeah. And we live in the

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South. We do. So. And it's just seems to be the time to flaunt more.

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So if you are going through the difficult conversations with how to appropriately dress for summer, and they're older, when they're older.

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And I recommend just giving facts. There are reasons why.

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What are those reasons? And explain the difference of the attention that you'll get from the boys.

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Or if you're wanting that attention from your dad, these are ways to get his attention.

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Like just spell it out for them. And that seems to relate more and have more of a heart to heart talk than it does.

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You know, you yelling at them, go change again. You know, that's still not appropriate. Go change again.

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You know, or go shopping with them whenever they're shopping and be like, well, that doesn't lay very well.

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Yeah. You know, that kind of, and give it to them honest, you know, like just facts.

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That seems to be the best approach. Yeah. So teaching our kids to dress modestly, you got to do that with the boys as well as with the girls.

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Agreed. Now, with a girl, generally when we talk about dressing modestly, it's going to be on girls more than it is on boys.

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And they're emotionally attached to that. This is how I express myself.

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Right. Right. And if you wait too long to have those conversations though, like you haven't started having these conversations about modesty until your daughter's a teenager, then it is going to be a little more emotional when you're having those conversations.

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So Psalm 119 .37 says, cause my eyes to turn away from looking at worthlessness and revive me in your ways.

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And so teach your kids to turn away from not looking at those things.

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Yeah. Tell them to turn away, turn their eyes away from those images of scantily clad women or whatever else.

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Don't even watch shows where those things are popping up in TV shows or movies or whatever else.

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Protect your kids, especially your sons. Protect them from pornography. Yes.

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Now, I can thankfully say that my son is already past the age that I was when

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I saw my images for the first time. And God willing, I'm going to keep him from it as long as I possibly can, because that really messed me up.

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And I can still remember that. It's incredible how vividly those things get stuck in your head.

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And so protect your children from that. It is. As much as possible. As much as possible.

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Even though your kids are not having sex, when they look at porn, they are involved in it.

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Yes. It is something that they're being invited to take part in. And not to mention the unrealistic expectations of sex that puts into children whenever they see that.

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Or it puts into anybody. Yes. Anybody who's been looking at that kind of a thing. Little by little, you're starting to hear stories from people who are not believers.

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They're not Christians. But you're talking about famous people, stars, pop stars, movie stars, whatever.

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They'll talk about how they were addicted to porn and how it created for them unrealistic expectations about sex.

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This is coming from unbelievers. So even they're saying it's bad, we know more than just because scientifically it's not good for you.

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But that Jesus has said in Matthew chapter five, if somebody looks at a woman and lusts for her in his heart, it's as if he has committed adultery with her in his heart.

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And so teach your kids that these things are sin. That looking at someone lustfully or looking at somebody who is exposing their private parts, that that's a sinful thing to do.

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Or even coming close to that. Coming close to exposing their private parts. Or getting close to exposing.

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That's right. Yeah. They're wearing clothes that are starting to expose that. Right. Or you're fantasizing about it.

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You're thinking about it. Right. Turn your eyes. Turn your mind away from those things. Pray. Yes.

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Commit your mind to the Lord. That he would forgive you of your sin. And that you would draw near to God and the devil will flee from you, as it says in James chapter four.

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Yes. So teaching those things to your kids about keeping their eyes in a way that is honorable.

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And their minds, their thoughts pure as well. Purity culture is not a bad thing.

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Yeah. God calls us to purity. Yes, he does. So we need to be pure. In our minds, in our hearts, as well as in our bodies.

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Where am I at on time here? Okay. We're about 20 minutes. So let's talk quickly about ...

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I'm going to skip the divorce and remarriage. We'll probably come to that another time. Okay. But briefly talking about foul language.

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Oh, yes. Okay. So what words are appropriate for your kids to use and what's not?

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And how do you establish for your children what's okay for them to say? We're a little on the extreme side.

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If they don't know what it means and can use it appropriately, it's not to be used.

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So like Gabe and I will use the word stupid, but the children are not allowed to use it.

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So we're a bit on the ... I think. I feel I'm on the extreme side. It's in Proverbs 12 .1.

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It's a biblical word. It is a biblical word. Yeah. But I used that excuse as a kid too.

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So ... I mean,

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I was a bear. I'm not going to lie. Yeah. You mentioned that. Yeah. You mentioned being a bear. That's the second time you said that, in fact.

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I can't think of a better word. I'm kind of concerned now. Yeah. So with our kids, we'll just lay down this rule.

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If you've never heard mommy and daddy say it, you can't say it. Right. So if you've heard a friend say it, just like the illustration or the example

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I gave a moment ago of my son having heard a word, you can come and ask us what it means. You can say the word, but you can't use it if you haven't heard mommy and daddy use it.

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Right. And they've heard daddy get mad, get frustrated. My daughter was with me one time when she was helping me work on a shelf, and I was screwing in a screw with a power screwdriver, and the head on the screw broke.

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Had never had that happen before. Yeah. And the power screwdriver went right into my thumb. Yep. And yeah.

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So she heard a word from daddy. It wasn't like really bad. I don't even think it was

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PG -13, but it's just it's not worth repeating, and we don't tell our kids to say words like that.

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So she heard daddy say it, and I had to apologize to her and say, that's still a word that you shouldn't use.

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Yeah. Now that I'm saying that, people are going, Gabe cusses. Gabe just said on the podcast he cussed.

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It wasn't that bad. If it wasn't even PG -13, then it wasn't bad. It's just not something.

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Like I said, we're a little on the extreme side, but the closer you can be to holiness.

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That's where you were going, right? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. So we have it in Ephesians 4, 29. Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for building up what is needed so that it will give grace to those who hear.

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Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and anger and wrath and shouting and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

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Instead, be kind to one another, tenderhearted, graciously forgiving each other, just as God in Christ has also graciously forgiven you.

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Yeah. So. Good parenting advice there too. Very good parenting advice. Yes. You can use so many other words in place of cuss words that are even harsher than a cuss word.

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So words, you have to be careful not only just with cuss words, but with the use of words, period.

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And I think that's what it's getting at, is any unwholesome words. Yeah. Just. Yeah.

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I mean, you can say. So it's not just the specific words. Right. You can say a word that's not that great or, you know, not that bad, but in a way that makes it really bad.

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Right. Exactly. Yeah. And then it becomes unwholesome talk. Right. Now, the best example for your kids on how to behave and act and how to talk to one another is going to be you, mom and dad.

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Yeah. Yeah. And especially if you're talking about a two parent home, I'm going to assume the majority of people that are listening are either in two parent homes or you aspire to be.

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But in a home where there is a mother and a father, the way that you talk to one another is going to be the best example to pass on to your kids.

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Are you, dad, are you behaving in such a way toward your wife that you would want your daughters to marry someone like you?

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Right. Right. And mom, are you behaving in such a way toward your husband that you want your sons to marry someone like you?

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Or if after a day you're thinking to yourself, I don't want my son to marry anybody like me or my daughter to marry anybody like me, you know, that's something to take before the

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Lord. Yes. Christ is ultimately our example. Yes. Amen. I really don't like it, though, when people say that we're not supposed to be following the example of any people, we're supposed to be following Christ.

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Well, Christ gave us each other to be examples to one another. And in fact, the instruction is in Hebrews chapter 13, verses 7 and 17, that we're supposed to imitate our elders.

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We're supposed to imitate those who taught us the way of life according to the scriptures and imitate their faith.

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Right. So we have been given examples that we are supposed to follow. You need to be an example to your children.

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You're following the example of Christ. You're following the example of the apostles. You follow the examples of the godly men and women that are in your life.

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Yes. And then be that godly man or woman to your sons and daughters as well. And this is also where nosy comes back into play.

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Be nosy. Listen in on the conversations and hear how they talk to one another, talk to their friends, talk to their siblings, talk to you.

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And then that's when you can give them, like, if they're older, take them aside or wait till you're by yourselves and then have a conversation about it.

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But if they're younger, you can correct them there and just say, you know, how can we reword that to where it sounds like what you're trying to say?

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Because, I mean, there are times that I talk and I'm like, eh, that didn't come out right because my tone was awful or I didn't mean to say it like this.

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What I meant was this. And so I will correct myself. So I also correct them.

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And I correct myself in front of them. Yeah. Like, I will say those words. Like, I didn't mean to say it like that.

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I'm sorry it came out that way. Right. What I meant was, or I'm frustrated about this over here, not at you.

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So I'm sorry it sounds like I'm frustrated at you. Like those kind of things. And then you can alter the conversation enough that it just avoids all unwholesome talk almost all day.

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Well, I mean, you're constantly combating it. Sure. Don't get me wrong. Oh, yeah. I mean, regularly

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I find it. It could be a lot worse. Yeah, definitely. Even when I'm by myself. Oh, especially when you're by yourself.

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I don't want to get in the habit of saying things that I shouldn't be saying in the company of other people. I don't want to even say those things when

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I'm alone. Yeah. I just get grumpy. Yeah. I'm like, ah. Because even that is not honoring of God.

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No, it's not. I'm still in the presence of the Lord. Yes. And even in those moments when I'm by myself,

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I need to have a rain on my tongue. As when we're being told to honor the

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Lord, your God, to worship him with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. Yes. I mean, that's even what we say.

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Even our tongues. They're part of our bodies that we are to submit unto the Lord. Right. And do know that when it comes out your mouth, it started in your heart first.

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Of course. Because out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. That's the word of Christ right there.

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Yep. So yeah, it's something to definitely check if it's a problem or an issue, either with your child or with yourself or with your spouse.

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It's definitely something to stop and find that root problem. Right. There are people that will tell you that you shouldn't keep your anger bottled up because it causes stress and all this other kind of thing.

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No, the scientific arguments, the studies that they've done have shown if you're doing things like punching a pillow or screaming into a pillow or stuff like that, it's actually worse for you.

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Yeah. For your health than if you control yourself. The Bible does tell us to be self -controlled.

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It's one of the fruit of the spirit. So we do need to commit our minds unto the

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Lord. You commit your mind and your heart unto Christ, then you'll have a rain over your tongue as well.

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Yes. All right. That's it. That's part three. Technically part four.

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Now, we want to answer your questions. Yes. And I have not had it. I've had a few emails. There's been some folks that have sent me emails because we talked about the smartphone thing last week.

30:33

Oh, uh -huh. So there was advice on, hey, you can buy this smartphone or buy this phone, and it's a dumb phone, and it's not connected to the

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Internet, won't ever connect to the Internet, things like that. I don't want to give plugs for brand names and things like that.

30:46

Sure. But I appreciate those suggestions that we got. I guess we're just making you aware of the fact you can get a dumb phone.

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Yes. And that way. They are out there. Yeah. Protect your kids from having the Internet in their pockets at all times.

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Otherwise, if you have any other parenting questions now as a follow -up to discussing difficult topics with your kids, or if you have disgusting difficult topics with your kids that you want to ask about, you can send those emails to whenweunderstandthetextatgmail .com.

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I've got one last part I want to do. OK. And we just ran out of time. I wasn't sure we were able to fill up the whole time today.

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OK. But we did. We did. So I have one last part, which is 10 tips on parenting.

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This was something I did in a sermon years ago when we were in Colossians chapter 3. And you have the instructions there on husbands and wives and parenting in like the shorter form than what you've got in Ephesians 5 and 6.

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Right. So when I was doing a sermon on that, when we were in Colossians chapter 3, I wrote down and kind of included in the sermon application.

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And I had 10 tips on parenting. So I'm going to share those next week and then answer some questions from the email as well.

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So send your email to whenweunderstandthetextatgmail .com. That's it for us this week.

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All right. Let's pray. Yes, let's. Heavenly Father, we thank you for the kindness that you show to us, and I pray that we would be kind to one another.

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You have forgiven us our sins and our trespasses by faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. So may we have hearts of forgiveness toward our children.

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We are gracious and patient with them as you have been with us. But likewise, when we make a mistake, when we mess up, that we would be humble enough to apologize to our kids if we must.

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That we show that same kind of forgiving and gracious spirit toward one another in our marriages.

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That a wife would be submissive to her husband, a husband would be the head of his wife, not lording it over his wife, but being the head of his household and guiding them spiritually as we're all growing together in an understanding of who you are and what you have said according to your word.

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So as we continue to show grace to each other in these days, may we be grown in sanctification.

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For as Becky shared at the open of the program, he who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it at the day of Christ.

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Continue to work these good things in us. Lord Jesus, we pray in his great name. Amen. Amen. Amen.