God Knows Best: A Biblical Blueprint for Marriage and Family

Bethlehem Bible Church

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October 28, 2006

00:00: Well, it's a real joy this morning to introduce our speaker. Dr. Danny Aiken and Charlotte we're glad you're here as well
00:07: They're staying over the Chaukset Inn and it's raining today and I said, well, this is New England. And so welcome to New England Dr.
00:14: Aiken was my first prof at Southern Seminary when I was doing my
00:20: D min, that's not a demon, but the D min there and I'll never forget the day he walked in.
00:26: I wasn't quite sure what to expect coming from masters and everything and you had a Student come the first day and I thought if that's the quality of the of the professors here.
00:37: I was expecting dr Block and dr. Aiken and when he was a nice guy this other student, but I was I was ready for the big guns
00:43: And so the next day dr. Aiken came in. I thought okay. I'm at the right place Dr.
00:49: Aiken loves his wife Charlotte. You've been at Charlotte and Danny been married 28 years now Almost 30 years four grown children.
00:57: Dr. Aiken loves the Lord He loves expository preaching and he loves to preach about Christ exalted in families
01:04: He has two books here at the table for us God on sex the creators idea about love intimacy and marriage that's here if you'd like that It's a more popular level on Song of Solomon And if you'd like more technical level the
01:16: New American commentary on John's epistles first second and third John So we have both of those books there and I don't know if you're the autographing kind of guy
01:25: But you'd he's willing to do that. Okay Georgia Bulldog fan
01:38: Any other Georgia Bulldog fans here, no Okay Well, I just have forgotten.
01:44: So before dr. Aiken comes up your children are being babysat today as a ministry We have five Ohana students wanting to go to Denver.
01:50: And so if you'd like to give to that ministry, it's just a freewill offering That's the only freewill you'll probably find at the church here, but it is free will we
02:02: Are close to North Hampton with where Jonathan Edwards was and the will is the mind choosing and all that but please give generously if You'd if you'd like to the five
02:11: Ohana students who are watching your kids Today, but I love dr. Aiken's love for the
02:17: Lord and his ministry. He is now the president of Southeastern Theological Seminary He was at Southern for a long time eight years.
02:24: That's where I met him. And now he's the president at Southeastern It's a real joy for him to be here for us to have him here
02:30: I hope it's a joy for you to be here as well. And let's just welcome him and dr. Aiken, please come Well, it is a joy to be here and I've looked forward to being up here with Mike and to be with you all
02:49: And yes, I do say you all last night I was harassed by the waitress at the restaurant where we went where well, then where are you all from?
02:57: Well, we all are from Wake Forest, North Carolina. Now, I'll work on you guys if that will make you more comfortable while I'm up here but it'll take a while I I don't think it'll happen in a day and a half, but I am delighted to be here and grateful for the invitation and enjoy getting to know your pastor when
03:16: I was at Southern there in Louisville, Kentucky and I do like to talk about marriage and family because I personally in my own life
03:24: Outside of Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior the most wonderful Relationship I have is my relationship with my wife now of 28 years and then
03:34: God has blessed us with four sons and In the last 15 months. He has also blessed us with three daughter -in -laws and a grandbaby and so we have had an incredibly active of 15 months and God likewise has been precious to us all four of our sons are in seminary
03:52: One is working on a PhD in Old Testament One is working on an MA as he teaches
03:58: Bible and coaches basketball at a Christian school one is planning to go to Africa as a missionary in two years and the youngest wants to be a pastor in particular a church planter and So the
04:11: Lord has been very very good to us. I'll talk about this more later But people often have said to me well, how did all that happen?
04:18: And it's an easy answer the kindness the goodness and the graciousness of God You do the best you can as a parent those of you that are parents like we know that most the time you are flying
04:30: By the seat of your pants Doing the very best you can trying to implement
04:36: Biblical principles as you've learned them along the way But when everything is said and done if the
04:42: Lord doesn't step in and do those things that you can't do and doesn't step in and overcome your weaknesses and your shortcomings
04:49: Then nothing good is going to happen. And so I'm sure we did some pretty decent things along the way
04:54: I'm sure we also did some really bad things along the way But the Lord and his grace has led our four sons in this direction.
05:01: And so we're just we're very blessed We are wonderfully blessed. And so it's a joy to talk about something.
05:07: That's very dear to my heart Marriage and family so take your Bible and join me in the book of Colossians chapter 3 and what we're going to do today
05:15: Is in this first session we're going to get a big overarching Overview of what God has to say about marriage and family and also we're going to see practically speaking
05:25: How God really does know best and that when we follow biblical principles when it comes to marriage and family
05:31: Not only do we honor and glorify God, but good things also happen to us as well
05:38: Then we're going to talk specifically to husbands and wives this morning Tomorrow we'll have some fun out of the
05:44: Song of Solomon when we try to get a handle on the differences that exist between men and Women differences that were built in by design by our
05:53: Creator. He did make us male and female He intentionally made us different and then in the final session we'll talk about parenting and we'll return to Ephesians chapter 6 and look at how it is that we can love our
06:08: Children and let them know it now they're going to be passing out right now Manuals notebooks and what you'll also want to do as soon as you get it is turn over to page 2 and you'll find an
06:20: Outline there that entitled that is entitled when Christ is Lord of the home
06:26: Just a few months ago in the Raleigh News and Observer There was an article on marriage and it was entitled looking for happiness
06:35: Get married have kids but listen to the first paragraph the keys to happiness are simple grow up get married have children and go to church and Interestingly, the article points out that if you do those things you overwhelmingly increase the odds
06:56: That you're going to have a happy Meaningful and fulfilled life now again that should not surprise us
07:04: Because the author of marriage and the author of the family is God and when we do things
07:11: God's way Again, we glorify him But we also are blessed in the process of doing those things that God asked us to do
07:20: Well, you know that there are two letters in the New Testament that in some ways are like sisters
07:27: Ephesians and Colossians in fact, they're sometimes referred to as twin epistles though.
07:33: They are somewhat different They have a similar pattern and in some cases they even talk about the same things in the same order
07:41: But here's the difference. For example when it comes to the family Colossians is readers digest.
07:48: It just gives us four quick Snappy verses that summarize
07:54: God's job description for each member of the family You go over to Ephesians and my goodness from chapter 5 verse 22 through chapter 6 verse 4 almost 16 17 18 verses
08:07: Paul elaborates more his argument for what it means to be a godly man a godly woman godly children and Godly parents.
08:16: So what I want to do is give us the the overview and then in the second and third session We'll go back and look at those things more specifically, but when
08:25: Christ is Lord of the home What will that home look like in terms of a quick?
08:31: Snappy job description for each member of the family. Well, let me read the text for you Then we'll go back and make a comment or two wives
08:39: Submit to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord Husbands love your wives and do not be bitter toward them
08:47: Children obey your parents and all things for this is well pleasing to the Lord Fathers do not provoke your children
08:55: Lest they become discouraged And so you see that there are four verses one verse each for each member of the family the wife
09:03: The husband the children and in particular of the father though I don't think that we would rule out that the parents as a whole are in view there
09:11: Now here's what's very interesting about these four verses. There are five Imperatives that you find in Colossians 3 18 through 21 in other words
09:21: God inspires Paul not to make suggestions God inspires Paul to give a very definite command to each member of the family and if you note if there are four verses and five imperatives then that means somebody got two and It's not really surprising to discover who that particular person is as I will show you in just a moment
09:47: So let's begin wives. What will you do when Christ is Lord of the home? Well, you will yield to your husband giving your submission to your husband giving your admiration to the
09:57: Lord wives Here's the imperative you Submits it's in the present tense, which means this is to be the habit of your life.
10:04: You continually yield to your own husband Why because it is fitting it is appropriate in The Lord and so wives are called to yield in their will to the leadership of their husband secondly
10:21: Husbands are challenged and commanded to love their wives husbands. Love your wives.
10:27: There's the imperative It's in the present tense. This is to be the habit of your life that you love your wife in an agape
10:35: Loving kind of a way we're going to develop that in just a moment Oh, but my goodness, there's a conjunction and and there's another statement that has another verb and so surprise surprise the husband gets the double command and Do not be bitter toward them evidently men have in their sinfulness a
10:57: Propensity toward bitterness and therefore God tries to to quote
11:02: Barney Fife from Mayberry Nip it in the bud and up front just says no no No on the one end you love and on the other end you have a mindset
11:12: That will not allow a attitude a root of bitterness to develop and well up within your soul
11:19: Then thirdly the Bible says children you honor your parents children. There's the imperative
11:25: Obey your parents where how in all things why for this is well pleasing
11:33: To the Lord and we'll develop that more fully on Sunday morning. I will just say this at this point parents
11:39: I know that they come into the world as little sinners but we still should be imparting to our children from the time they're very small the expectation of Obedience in other words, we know that they will make mistakes.
11:54: We know that they will do things wrong We know that they will sin but we should impart to our children from the time.
12:01: They're small. We expect them to obey We don't expect them to disobey indeed
12:07: Disobedience will be the exception Rather than the norm or rather than the rule and so we help them understand
12:15: Even as they're very small that they are to obey mom and dad in All -things then fourthly parents are to encourage their children, but note gentlemen
12:27: It is again a reminder of our leadership assignment in the home Fathers do not provoke your children.
12:34: The word provoke is a present imperative. Don't you be Agitating unsettling the world of your children.
12:42: Why because they will become discouraged now I again believe
12:47: That both in Colossians 3 and in Ephesians 6 Paul has in mind
12:53: Deuteronomy chapter 6 in other words He is giving us his thinking on the way fathers relate to their children out of that background of Deuteronomy 6 where we're told that fathers and grandfathers are to teach the children to love the
13:09: Lord their God with all their heart with all their soul and with all of their strength and That we are to instruct our children when they lie down when they get up when they walk and when they sit which basically means we're to be in a mindset of Teaching and instructing our children all of the time now don't misunderstand that I don't mean that means that we're to be cramming a
13:34: Bible down their throat all the time I don't mean that don't believe that means that we don't let our kids be kids
13:40: We don't let our kids play and have fun and do the things that normal children do no
13:46: No, if you develop that kind of mindset, I suspect that you are a legalist
13:51: And I suspect that when your children can break away from that legalism They will do so with a rebellion that will break your heart
13:58: People have often said to me and I'll mention this again tomorrow if you could summarize and just one or two words
14:04: What was your parental philosophy? That's very easy. It was to have fun with my kids
14:10: Say fun fun F -u -n Fun now in the midst of having fun.
14:18: We prayed We read the Bible they used to go with me when I would do bus ministry
14:24: We would be sitting in the house watching a football game or riding in the van and we would just be available and open and ready
14:32: For any teachable moment that might appear that would give us a chance to show them how biblical truth impacts any and every
14:40: Area of life, but I was not rigid. I was not harsh.
14:45: I did not have a bunch of rules and regulations I simply believe that if I would love the
14:50: Lord before my kids and love them in a normal Natural healthy way and just have a good time with them
14:58: God would honor that and I believe he has and so yes, we impart to them the expectation of obedience
15:04: But we are also just take the flip side of verse 21. We're to be encouragers
15:10: To our children. I mean we're to be in their corner We're to be their their best cheerleader their most positive advocate telling them we believe by God's grace and for his glory
15:22: God can and will do something great and wonderful in and through their lives
15:28: And I believe if we impart that kind of spirit to our kids God again will honor and bless his word now
15:35: I'm gonna move through it quickly But on page 2 and following what I've done for you is over the years
15:41: I've been gathering data from secular psychologists sociologists marriage and family
15:48: Studies because I suspected all along that if we do things God's way
15:54: There is empirical evidence that would demonstrate it works Well, my goodness when it comes to sex when it comes to marriage when it comes to the rearing of your children
16:05: The evidence is overwhelming You do it God's way and it works best.
16:13: For example, the area of sex in 1993 it was reported that 68 million
16:20: Americans had a sexually Transmitted disease that's approximately 15 million
16:28: Americans Contracting one annually and look at this one in four of the victims is under the age of 20
16:39: Drop down in that paragraph. You see the number to come up about four lines. Keep this in mind
16:46: Many STDs are incurable Others can render you sterile and some are potentially fatal
16:54: And it is amazing reality to think if we would simply do sex God's way one man
17:00: With one woman within the covenant of marriage for life Every single
17:07: STD would disappear from the planet in just one generation
17:13: When I talk to teenagers, I try to help them understand God did not design sex with the parameters and the protection that he did to rain on your parade
17:23: To rob you of your fun to keep you from having a good time no, the fact matter is
17:29: I point out in the next paragraph those who save themselves for marriage and Those who are faithful in marriage report the highest and most active sex lives of any demographic group out there
17:42: So I just tell teenagers you want to have the best sex life possible Save yourself for marriage be faithful in marriage and you will have a good good time
17:52: Furthermore you won't have to ever worry about an STD. You won't have to worry about becoming sterile
17:59: You won't have to worry about contracting something that could potentially take your life. You realize that today
18:05: There are more than 12 million AIDS orphans in Sub -saharan
18:14: Africa 12 million Estimates are that will go to 20 million shortly past the year 2010 and here's the thing
18:24: Do sex God's way One man one woman within the covenant of marriage for life.
18:31: There are not 12 million AIDS orphans And when I say AIDS orphans, I'm pointing out both their dad and their mom are dead
18:40: Because of this tragic tragic virus and sinful lifestyle now you say then
18:46: Danny Why is it that God designed sex the way that he does and again part of my goal in the two days?
18:51: I'm with you is also to give you Some guidelines and some instruct about how to teach and train your children as well out to the side if you were to say why?
19:01: Do sex God's way I'd give you four or five ideas that I just asked you just take a single word and jot these down with a pen or A pencil number one
19:09: God maximizes your protection as I just noted. There's maximum Protection when you save yourself for marriage and you are faithful in marriage maximum protection
19:21: Secondly, as I just noted and as I point out there at number two, there's maximum pleasure Those who save themselves for marriage and are faithful in marriage have a much happier intimate life than those who do not thirdly
19:34: You maximize partnership. You see outside of the intimacy that you and I know with Christ I think the most intimate experience this side of heaven is a man and a woman coming together in intimacy and there is a partnership that develops in that relationship that cannot be described in words and yet if you have shared yourself
19:59: Given yourself in multiple occasions to multiple persons you severely harm and damage your ability
20:07: To give yourself in complete total abandonment to one person it maximizes partnership
20:14: It also maximizes to the glory of God your purity and you see
20:19: The Bible makes it very clear that when people look at a marriage they ought to be looking at something that gives them a glimpse of the relationship that exists between Christ and His church your marriage should be a pointer to lost persons of the glory of Christ the bride groom and the church his bride and there is a purity then that is
20:46: Experienced and witnessed when a man and a woman are devoted and committed and faithful to one another and so the
20:55: Bible makes it clear that God knew what he was doing when he designed sex in this way as I say there at number two
21:01: We now know sex is more satisfying for those who wait into marriage number three at the bottom
21:06: Not only is sex better in marriage It is also best if you've had only one sexual partner in a lifetime look at the top of the next page
21:14: Yes, God knows best about sex, but also God knows best about marriage
21:20: What has the data over the last 20 to 30 years told us about this issue of marriage?
21:25: Well number one, we have discovered that married people have healthier unions than couples who live together
21:31: In fact, Washington State University revealed I quote cohabiting couples compared to married couples have much less
21:38: Healthy relationships you say well, could you be more specific? Well folks at UCLA help us out here cohabitors experienced significantly more difficulty in subsequent marriages with issues of adultery alcohol drugs and Independence than couples who had not cohabited in fact, and I would mark this marriages preceded by cohabitation are 50 to 100 percent more likely to break up than those marriages not preceded by Cohabitation, in fact again when
22:12: I'm talking to singles or teenagers, I will say You really like this person?
22:18: You really love this individual You would like to think of the possibility of spending the rest of your life with them
22:26: Well, I can give you one surefire way that will greatly increase the odds that that won't happen Won't I just shack up and live together?
22:33: Because you will increase the odds 50 to 100 percent that the two of you will not stay
22:40: Together you say why do you think that is the case? I know why it's the case There's a very crucial
22:47: C -word missing when it comes to cohabitation and it is called commitment
22:54: Commitment it is disingenuous to say that you are totally Committed to another person in a cohabiting relationship when you're not willing to say before witnesses and others
23:07: Forsaking all others I do Till death do we part and so because commitment is lacking when things get problematic
23:18: When things become difficult and let's be honest folks. Every relationship is going to have problems
23:24: Every marriage is going to have difficulties It's going to have times of stress and times of great pressure.
23:30: And if you're not committed to each other no matter what You'll look for an exit
23:37: You'll look for that back door to break and run because of the pressure and because of the stress
23:43: But now look at number three wife beating should more properly be called Girlfriend beating according to the
23:49: Journal of Marriage in the family Aggression is at least twice as common among cohabitors as it is among Married partners.
23:57: That's very interesting Fourthly married people enjoy better physical and mental health again
24:02: UCLA reported last two lines of number four married people have significantly lower rates of alcoholism suicide psychiatric care and higher rates of self reported happiness number four of number five those in married relationships experience a lower rate of severe depression than people in any other
24:25: Category number six Researchers at University of Mass say married people experience less disease morbidity and disability than do those who are divorced or Separated look at the top of the next page one study concerning men in particular revealed that nine out of ten men married at 48
24:43: They'll still be around at 65 But only six out of ten single men will still be around in other words
24:50: You increase the odds gentlemen of hanging around longer by 30 % if you're married now you say why do you think that is the case?
24:58: Well, that's a no -brainer Men are stupid men are stupid and Men do not naturally
25:09: Take care of themselves very well Just let's just be honest for a minute. Does the typical normal male
25:17: Just naturally eat the best things Does he just naturally of his own volition work out and maintain some type of healthy exercise program?
25:28: Does he on an annual blaze basis just gladly volunteer to go see his doctor for a checkup?
25:36: No No, he has to be virtually on his deathbed. And even then he just says give me a couple aspirin
25:41: I'll be better tomorrow. No, you have a hard time getting the male to do the right thing furthermore men are dumb, but single men are like really dumb and they will go places and do things that when you get a woman in your life and Then children show up You won't do you won't do because you have now a sense of responsibility
26:09: You have someone in your life that is nagging. I mean encouraging you to do Yeah, I know that sometimes feels like nagging but the fact matter is if you'll just step back and listen
26:20: Maybe not to the tone of the voice But the content of what is being said you realize that many times they are telling us things we ought to have enough sense
26:29: To listen to and to do and so there is something about marriage
26:36: That will temper and tame the wild edges of a man. I'm not saying that it becomes effeminate
26:42: I am so opposed to that. I don't even need to get started, but I'm saying being a real man who can harness and And and and bring into some type of control the strong masculine male tendencies that are there is a good thing and it only happens in marriage and With children and yes in the long run it winds up making you stay around longer as well
27:11: But I love number seven this one's hilarious to me Men and women are at much greater risk of being assaulted if they are not married says the
27:19: US Department of Justice in 1994 and I was wondering does that mean muggers have some type of ability, you know
27:25: Like Superman with x -ray vision to look into your soul and say single guy will mug him
27:31: Married guy will let him go. No, that's not what it is at all. It's lifestyle
27:37: It's lifestyle you see when I got married we were 21 and 19 All of a sudden
27:43: I had two options option number one was to be running around, you know messing around with the guys our option number two was to go home and Chase around the house this beautiful Brown -eyed brunette and if I called her
27:57: I got to play with her and so that was up, you know It was just a great deal
28:03: Furthermore I discovered that if you're at home on any given night sitting on the couch watching television eating popcorn drinking a diet coke the odds that you get mugged go way down and If you do get mugged you like it.
28:24: It's a good mugging I mean you'll take that kind of mugging and so it's just again a lifestyle type of thing that comes into play
28:32: When we bring a man and a woman together in the covenant of marriage, but now let's talk about children very quickly
28:39: Number one the best environment to raise children is in a home with a daddy and a mother
28:45: Who are married to each other on average children do better in all areas
28:53: When raised by two married parents who live together Sarah McClanahan is not a conservative.
28:58: She's not an evangelical She teaches at Princeton, but she is a Major figure in marriage and family research and she wrote a classic book some years ago
29:07: Entitled growing up with a single parent and she said and I quote children who grow up in a household with only one biological parent are
29:16: Worse off on average than children who grow up with both of their biological parents regardless of the parents race
29:23: Nor does it matter as to their educational Background in fact, she points out that adolescents who lived apart from one of their parents during some period of childhood are a
29:35: Twice as likely to drop out of high school B twice as likely to have a child before the age of 20
29:42: See, they are one and a half times as likely to be idle in their late 20s by that. We mean out of school and Out of work.
29:50: You don't have this in your note, but I saw an insight magazine just three years ago quote the presence or absence of a father in a child's life is
30:01: The largest factor in predicting whether a child will graduate from high school Attend college become involved in crime or drugs or get pregnant before the age of 18
30:13: No, daddy things just sometimes go haywire a Father who's there and is involved in the life of his kids.
30:22: It makes all the difference In fact, look at number two, it gets worse Children without fathers more often have lowered academic performance cognitive and intellectual deficits increased adjustment problems higher risk for Psychosexual development problems.
30:39: In fact violent children are 11 times more likely Not to live with their father six times more likely to have parents who are not married children
30:49: Not living with both biological parents are four times as likely to be suspended or expelled from School, I won't read that whole horrible paragraph to you just to note about three lines down though children of divorce experience anger fear sadness worry rejection conflicting loyalties lowered self -confidence heightened anxiety loneliness more depressed moods and more
31:18: Suicidal thoughts Now, let me say something before I go on If you are here today and you have gone through the pain and the sorrow and the tragedy of a divorce
31:29: Number one. I am NOT here these two days to throw a rock at you. So please hear that Secondly, I realized that today there's nothing any one of us can do about the past The past is gone
31:44: It's water under the bridge would to God that we could all go back and change some things from our past but we can't
31:50: There's nothing we can do about that but that does mean then number three we can all do something about our present and our future and Every one of us in this room no matter what has happened in the past Can again renew before God our convictions and our commitments and our vows that Lord divorce is not going to be an option
32:10: I'm going to do all that I can to be the man of God that you designed me to be the woman of God that you
32:16: Designed me to be and I am going to give my best time and my best energy and my best efforts in Building a godly marriage and a godly family, even if I have a number of challenges because of a blended kind of situation
32:33: Furthermore, I'll say this is a word of encouragement say more about tomorrow I know what this is like not on my side, but on my wife's side.
32:42: My wife grew up in a children's home Was born to the home of alcoholic parents age of seven they divorced
32:51: Age of nine she and her brother and sister go to a children's home where she will live until she's 18 During those years.
32:57: She'll not see her mother again until she's 17 She'll not see her father except for a couple of times in the first month
33:04: And then she'll not see her father again until after we are married Now anybody will tell you well, that's a formula for disaster.
33:15: Yeah, it is apart from the grace of God But see at 11 years of age
33:22: Charlotte gave her heart to Christ and Christ gave his heart to her and God kept his word and he became a father to the fatherless and we got married at 21 and 19
33:34: As Mike said we've been married for 28 years Not being critical of anyone, but my wife is not in therapy.
33:41: She's not in counseling. She's not on drugs. She never has been She has been a wonderful wonderful godly wife a fabulous mother my best friend a hero to me and again all of that Because of the overwhelming matchless grace of God So when
34:01: I share all these horrible statistics My motivation is that you will realize
34:06: I don't want to go down that road You'll realize I need to cheat teach my children. They really don't want to go down that road
34:13: Because it is a road filled with heartache sorrow and disaster heartache and sorrow and disaster that cannot be overcome no
34:23: So don't hear me saying that it can be healed and even
34:29: Redeemed by the marvelous grace of God So God is in the business of putting those kind of things together.
34:36: So keep that in mind as you think through Well, I know some people boy, there's no way to fix that. Oh, no.
34:41: God is in the redeeming Reconciling restoring business. Well drop down to number three and I think
34:48: I find this to be fascinating as well even the death of a parent is not as devastating to a child as losing one by divorce or Desertion you say why
34:58: Because single single parent families created by the death of a spouse Have a natural protective mechanism distinguishing them from other single -parent families
35:08: James Egan of Children's Hospital in Washington DC has asserted and it is a provocative statement a
35:15: Dead father is a more effective father than a missing father let that sink in a
35:22: Dead daddy is a more effective daddy than a missing daddy
35:28: Now you'd be like me you'd say why well, he tells you when a father or mother dies
35:34: They still maintain a place of authority Influence and moral leadership in the home parents who have departed due to death
35:41: Usually leave positive reputations their pictures remain on the wall. They are talked about positively
35:48: Negative behavior on the part of a child can be corrected with a simple reminder Would your dad would your mom approve of that kind of?
35:57: behavior But if the father has abandoned the child or was never identified the answer that question is either who cares or even worse
36:07: Who are you? talking about How many of you saw the melee on television with the
36:16: University of Miami and Florida International University How many of you saw that? How many of you read
36:22: Bill Curry's commentary on it? Bill Curry is a believer He is a sports broadcaster and he sliced and diced
36:32: After that melee, but what he did was this in the midst of basically saying that Miami did not do near enough and they did not and If I you did quite a bit he still said this here's my question
36:46: Where are the dads of these hooligans? He said go down the list Look at all the ones that were involved in this debacle this melee this embarrassing
36:59: National scene and you'll discover that dads are completely absent from the vast majority of the lives of those boys
37:09: And he's right He is Absolutely, right because they need the presence of a father to take all that Testosterone all of that energy all of that strength and guide it and direct it in a good
37:24: Healthy way and when dad is not there, they basically say who cares?
37:31: well, look at the next paragraph in an article entitled how kids mourn this by the way was written on the
37:37: Shortly thereafter of the death of Princess Diana America stopped the world stopped too much was said about the whole thing
37:46: But there were some good questions raised and one of the questions was how will her two sons respond?
37:52: Now that they have lost their mother and so Newsweek ran an article entitled how kids mourn and here's what they said
37:58: I quote the death of a parent can have devastating psychological consequences. It includes things like anxiety depression sleep disturbances underachievement aggression
38:10: But so can a lot of other things and losing a parent by death is actually less devastating than divorce
38:17: Quote, we know that children tend to do better after a parental death than a divorce
38:23: Says sociologist Andrew Cherlin of Johns Hopkins and that's a stunning statistic
38:29: You would think death would be Harder but now here's
38:34: Danny Aikens commentary. No There's nothing stunning about this at all When a child big or small loses a parent by death their little minds reason something like this if my daddy
38:46: Could be here he would but he's dead and so he can't On the other hand if a child loses a parent by desertion or divorce
38:55: Their little minds reason differently saying if my daddy wanted to be here, he would be here
39:01: I guess he doesn't want to be here and parents you listen to me now No matter what you say
39:08: No matter how you try to package it. They always almost without exception
39:14: Reason to that next statement there. It must be my fault
39:20: Now any child psychiatrist or psychologist worth his or her salt will tell you. Oh, yeah
39:27: That's how they think it's how their minds work we try it you can say it's not your fault
39:32: Mommy and daddy just don't love each other anymore It's not your fault You didn't do anything wrong and you go on and on and on and on and for whatever reason
39:41: Their little hearts are just not able to process that and they always think if I had done something different Mommy and daddy would have stayed together
39:50: This is then the devastating fallout on children wounded by divorce a wound that we now know follows them even into adulthood so God knows best guys and gals.
40:03: He knows best about Sex he knows best about marriage and he knows best about Family and children so turn over to page 8 and let me very quickly again
40:15: Bring 10 minutes an overview of the way the Bible lays out the job description and the
40:21: Expectation of each member of the family and I'll focus more attention on fathers and mothers
40:27: Wives and husbands since you are the ones that are here. What is it that God expects of a husband father gentleman?
40:34: He expects you to love your wife in an agape kind of a way He expects you to lead your wife in a servant shepherding kind of a way
40:42: Expects you to labor for the family Which means you provide and you protect and he expects you to be the one that leads the family in learning the things of God There's the active sense of that word, but also
40:55: God expects you to be a student of your wife and your kids That's the passive sense of the word.
41:01: In other words. God calls us to a volitional not emotional Whereby you choose as an act of your will to seek the best in the life of your mate and your children
41:12: He calls you to be the leader of the home, but guys you lead you don't drive.
41:19: You are a shepherd You are a servant. He calls you to labor.
41:24: You're the provider You're the protector but this learning thing again
41:30: You're to be the Deuteronomy 6 guy who is teaching the children when they lie down get up walk and sit
41:37: You know, I'd delegate that to my wife. God did not give you that option God did not give you that option.
41:46: I'm not saying you have to have a PhD or a d -min or even a college degree Probably the most influential man in my life that influenced me into what
41:57: I'm doing today Was a Douglasville, Georgia dirt farmer who had a fifth grade education
42:06: But that man was my granddaddy He was probably the godliest man
42:11: I've ever known He didn't have a lot of education out there But he knew a lot of God in here
42:19: And you don't have to have a great mind to be a man of God and a spiritual leader you have to have though a great heart and you are the one that takes the lead in training and Discipling your wife and your kids, but I also said there's a passive sense
42:35: We know for especially from first Peter 3 and we'll talk about this in a few moments. You are called by God To know your wife and I think by application extension you're also to be one that knows your children as well
42:49: You say now wait a minute I'm supposed to know my wife. That's right I'm to be a student of my wife.
42:56: That's right How long is that going to take? all of your life in fact, you'll be on your deathbed and The heavens will part and you'll see the
43:09: Lord and he will say it's time for you to come be with me and You'll say
43:15: I can't You called me to know my wife And I have not figured her out yet and the
43:26: Lord will look down and say that's okay, I don't understand her either No, he won't no. No, that's heresy.
43:33: And I know that's heresy No, he he actually does have her figured out, but he's about the only one.
43:39: Okay, you say so you've been married 28 years 28 years you got her figured out not even close now
43:46: I know a lot more than I did 28 years ago and I can read Her body language and I can see that expression on her face
43:53: In fact the other day she was just walking through the library by the way She was walking and by the look on her face.
43:59: I said what's wrong? Then she looked at me and I knew something was really wrong by I said, you know Just it's something and so she very quickly said well and she told me that's what how did you know?
44:09: She didn't say anything. Oh, I've seen that walk I've been watching it for 28 years. I've seen that look on the face
44:15: I've been seeing it for 28 years And if you have become a student of your mate You begin to pick up those things that you didn't get, you know when you first got married
44:24: But you get them now and so God calls you to be a student of your wife because you'd be a student of your kids too
44:30: Let me say this to you parents. Listen to me. I treat my children equally but I Do not treat them the same
44:43: Now let that sink in I Treat them equally. I Don't treat them the same you say what do you mean?
44:51: What works with one doesn't work with some of the others? my twins were natural born first child pleasers they still are
45:03: They want daddy's approval. They just do my son. Jonathan is working on a
45:09: PhD at Southern He sent me a paper that he wrote on the Ark of the Covenant just a couple of days ago and I said
45:16: Jonathan sent me this paper. My wife said yes, he wants daddy's approval. I said now he just sent me the paper.
45:22: She said no He wants to know what daddy thinks She's right
45:28: Nathan and Jonathan both are still that way my youngest son Timothy Different animal all together.
45:36: I mean I could look at my twins. Just look at them and they would crumble I'll look at my youngest and he looks back and says you don't want none of this and he's a stick
45:48: He's six foot a hundred and forty pounds. I mean, he's you know, he's barely a buck and a quarter I mean, he's just you know a little skinny beanpole
45:56: But he has got this strong little wheel and when he was little and coming up I mean I had to get in his business.
46:02: I had to look him in the face and say if you do that again I will rip your eyes out and tear your nose off and He would just look at you say you didn't talk that way.
46:11: Oh, I did but it didn't bother him He just looked at me like, you know, go forward if you think you can So I came to understand that I just had to be a little bit more intense and intentional with him
46:22: My middle son Paul typical middle child doesn't tell you anything He never answered anything with other than yes.
46:30: No and his favorite phrase in all the world. I don't know I don't everything in Paul's life as he was growing up was
46:37: I Don't know you could not get him to commit publicly to anything
46:42: And so I again realized his Charlotte really helped me in this area to get inside his little head in mind
46:48: We had to probe we had to ask very precise Specific definite questions and we couldn't let him just say
46:56: I don't know and let it go at that No, we said no. No, you do know Let's think about it for a moment and you just had to press and push and move on again
47:05: My point is you treat them equally But you don't treat them the same because you've studied them and you know
47:12: God has wired these little lives uniquely so that different strategies work better with one
47:19: Than with the other Ladies, what is God called us to do as wives? He's called you to submit which
47:26: I would add and I'll say more about it later is more of an attitude than an action
47:31: He's called you to be the support person in the life of your husband
47:36: After all the Bible says in Genesis, it is not good than a man is alone. I will make him a helper who will perfectly
47:44: Compliment him God knew we needed a helper We need support but also and I'll put these two together for time's sake.
47:52: You are the stabilizing and Socializing Entity in the home and I'll develop that more fully when
47:59: I talk about putting your husband where your heart is and then children We'll just note this quickly.
48:05: We are called by God to obey honor and repay. I like to say it this way
48:11: We obey When we are under their roof We honor all the days of their life and we repay in their golden years
48:23: We obey when we're under their roof We honor them all the days of our life and we repay when they're in the golden years of their life
48:32: Stepping in and just giving back a little of the incredible and enormous investment that they made in our lives
48:40: For my goodness 20 plus years Look over that at page 9 and we'll take a break.
48:47: Just noting this quickly What's God been looking for when it comes to marriage and family? Well bottom line he's looking for four things three things some breakdowns of the three number one
48:56: God wants biblical people People that are redeemed and committed to Christ growing out of that redeemed relationship will be what people commit to the family people committed to each other people committed to lifelong love people committed to God's will you see the word committed there four times the family each other
49:16: Lifelong love and God's will I want to be a godly man Husband and father.
49:22: I want to be a godly woman wife and mother Secondly, we want to fulfill biblical purposes such as complete
49:31: Companionship there are keys to this communication Conflict resolution.
49:37: I'm a big fan of weed decisions. You say well, wait a minute. You're the spiritual leader. That's right and Good leaders seek the counsel of people around them if you are a smart man
49:48: You will always seek the wisdom and the perspective and the counsel of your wife because she sees things you don't see
49:55: She has a perspective. You'll never have furthermore as in our family as our kids got older We made weed decisions with all six of us involved when we left
50:07: Southeastern Seminary in 1996 to go to Louisville I just didn't come in one day and say to my wife and to my four sons
50:15: God's called me to Southern Seminary pack your bags. We're going I Didn't do that. That would have been immature.
50:22: That would have been carnal. It would have been stupid No, I said here's what God's leading in my heart.
50:27: Here's what I believe Charlotte and I worked through it We came together on it Then after that we began to talk to the boys and in essence a decision that I was pretty certain about We processed in terms of family life over about three months and I'll never forget the day we were in our van
50:44: Driving somewhere and Jonathan one of my twins in the back of the van said daddy We've been talking and if you really believe it is
50:54: God's will for us to move to Louisville Then that's what we want to and we will be just fine
51:02: Now that will bless you as a dad to know that you have your kids in your corner
51:07: I mean understand they were 16 years old 16 16 13 and 11. That's not a great time to pick up and move but God Honored our desire to be wise and how we resolve those kind of issues in life
51:24: Then God is calling us to sexual fulfillment. He's calling us to responsible parenting
51:30: He's calling us to family unity And yes, as I mentioned earlier your marriage is to be a picture a portrait a symbol of the very life of the church
51:40: Finally, then what are some biblical principles that are going to undergird us throughout our marriage and family monogamy?
51:48: Fidelity which by the way is more than just never having an affair physically with another person. I'll develop that over the two days.
51:55: We're together Heterosexuality, isn't it sad I even have to put that in there, but I do
52:01: God's design has never changed one man one woman the covenant of marriage and then that last one put a little star by it
52:10: Mutuality because at the thrust of mutuality is Philippians 2 3 through 5 a text
52:16: I read every time I perform a wedding ceremony Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or vain conceit but in humility of mind what?
52:25: esteem the other better than yourself Let each of you look out not only for his own interest
52:32: But also the interest of the other let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus here's what
52:39: I've discovered in 28 years of being married if I put Charlotte first and Charlotte puts me first We both wind up having a big smile on our face all the time.
52:51: And so you don't lose by putting your mate first You win Because you honor
52:57: God You win because you honor your mate you win because God honors your heart
53:04: When you have in it the mind of Christ, all right, I have a prayer
53:10: We're gonna take a 10 -minute break Heavenly Father. I Thank you so much for the wisdom of your word in terms of how
53:17: Marriage and family should be lived out and Lord again when we do it this way we bring honor and glory
53:25: To our great creator and our wonderful Savior and yet Lord We also find out that in the midst of your plan and program
53:33: There are wonderful blessings for those of us who are obedient to your word
53:38: And so Lord, I would pray that for every man that is here He indeed would want more than anything in life to be a man of God who is radically committed to and devoted To Jesus Christ as his
53:50: Lord growing out of that then he can be the the husband and the father That you designed him to be and that his wife and children
53:59: Long for him to be I pray likewise for the ladies Lord if they would be women of God Radically committed to the
54:06: Lordship of Christ in their life and that growing out of that they will be wonderfully godly spiritual mothers and wives that again will be a great blessing to the husband and the
54:19: Children that you have placed in their life Lord. I thank you for the family I thank you for the precious gift that it is.
54:26: May we indeed treat it as that precious Sacred gift from God this we ask and pray in Jesus name.