Can a Husband Ask His Wife if She Is on Her Period?

The Gospel, Judgment, and Salvation in Christ Alone

Adult has learned how to control their emotions when it comes to those types of situations, but then for some reason, when it comes to this topic, all of a sudden it's a, how dare you expect a wife to control herself during that time?

And going even further than that, how dare you even ask if it's that time? Warning, the following message may be offensive to some audiences. These audiences may include, but are not limited to, professing Christians who never read their Bible, sissies, sodomites, men with man buns, those who approve of men with man buns, man bun enablers, white knights for men with man buns, homemakers who have finished Netflix but don't know how to meal plan, and people who refer to their pets as fur babies.

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The issue is that humanity is in sin, and the wrath of almighty God is hanging over our head. They will hear his words, they will not act upon them, and when the floods of divine judgment, when the fires of wrath come, they will be consumed, and they will perish.

God wrapped himself in flesh, condescended, and became a man, died on the cross for sin, was resurrected on the third day, has ascended to the right hand of the Father, where he sits now to make intercession for us.

Jesus is saying there is a group of people who will hear his words, they will act upon them, and when the floods of divine judgment come, in that final day, their house will.

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Opening the Episode and Framing the Poll

Welcome to Bible Bash, where we aim to equip the saints for the works of ministry by answering the questions you're not allowed to ask. We're your host, Harrison Kerrigan, Pastor Tim Mullett, and today we'll answer the age-old question, can a husband ask his wife if she is on her period?

Now, Tim, we're doing this episode because you actually, you ran a poll on Twitter asking essentially this very same question. And so, I was wondering, just as we kick this episode off, Tim, what was your general experience interacting with people who were commenting on that poll specifically?

Tim Mullett. I mean, there's a lot of people that, yeah, they really just need to calm down, man.

Pete. They need to calm down. So, they were lighting their hair on fire, essentially, right?

Tim Mullett. This is, yeah, this is one of those questions that showed up in my marriage and family counseling class or whatever. So, I mean, this is a normal question that people have about, you know, how do you handle this normal aspect of life, right?

So, I mean, a husband living with a wife, a period is a part of that life. There are hormonal changes that every man who has been alive for more than a few years understands and knows. Like, I mean, you can't even go to public school without understanding this reality that sometimes women are baffling and confusing and don't seem to make a whole lot of sense.

And so, this is just a normal question to ask, like, what do you do in those kind of situations? And, you know, the ironclad rule that most people have adopted is the rule that you never, like, whatever you do, you never ask if your wife is on her period, right?

Or if a woman is on her period. If that can explain the erratic behavior that you're witnessing. So, whatever you do, you don't do that.

That's taboo. That's off limits or whatever.

But, I mean, this is a question that came up in, yeah, a biblical counseling class I had. And, you know, his answer wasn't the normal answer that most people would expect, for sure. But, yeah, I mean, I think you think about what the Bible says on this topic, and it's probably going to be very different than what most people think, for sure.

Well, yeah, that's what's so interesting is we ran this poll, and in fairness to the people who answered on the poll, the large majority of them said, so we ran this poll, and just to clarify everyone on what it said, it said, true or false, it's perfectly reasonable for a husband to ask his wife if she is on her period when she is exhibiting less emotional self-control than usual.

And right under 400 people voted on this, and 90 of them said true. So, good job, good job, 90 of you.

The false answer was false. I'm a feminist.

Now, you kind of, yeah, you probably answered it for a lot of people when you made the false, you know, false and then in parentheses, I'm a feminist, and that was the only false answer.

Hey, no, I mean, most of our polls are not, most people think, like, our polls are lopsided or whatever. I mean, there's a few like this that I do just for propaganda purposes. But, I mean, this is clearly an unbiased, this is a biased poll, for sure, yeah.

Yeah, so it's definitely biased, it's definitely kind of, it's steering people towards a specific answer on purpose. So, you had 4 say false, I'm a feminist. 1 said, I let myself get offended, which seems pretty ironic on a poll like this.

And then the fourth option was, I'm unable to generalize, which 4 people, or not 4 people, 4 of everyone that voted picked that answer. So, 91 said true, 4 said false, another 4 said I'm unable to generalize.

Now, normally what I would do in preparation for any episode is, I would write out a bunch of questions that I want to ask on the subject. And I'll get Tim's input if there's anything specifically that he's wanting to touch on that maybe I left off or I didn't consider when preparing for the episode.

But then, Tim, I'm going to be honest, I was reading through some of the responses to this poll. And I thought it would be fun to just go through them and say, alright, here's the next response. What are your thoughts on this?

And just reading through a few of those. As I was reading through these, one of the things that I started recognizing, and you had mentioned this as well, is normally when you run polls like these, the people who are answering true to a question like this typically don't feel the need to respond with a comment.

They just vote, and then they move on. And so, normally what ends up happening is your comments are all the people who would say false to a question like this. Or they at least disagree with large aspects of the premise itself.

And so, they feel the need to comment to explain why they think it's false or why they don't think it's a good idea, it's unwise, whatever their thoughts are on the topic. So, normally the responses are where you go to to see all the pushback.

So, Tim, I wanted to hear your response to some of these because what I began noticing was a lot of people were just sort of responding with like a, well, you know you shouldn't do that. And my question reading them is, well, why though?

Why can't you? And so, I wanted to hear your response to some of that. But, for example, this first one, I think this was kind of meant to be a joke. But this person, keep in mind the question is, it's perfectly reasonable, true or false, it's perfectly reasonable for a husband to ask his wife if she is on her period when she is exhibiting less emotional self-control than usual.

And one of the top comments said, permissible, yes. Reasonable, obviously. Advisable, no. So, what are your thoughts on a comment like that?

Reasonable Questions, Leadership, and Avoiding Taboo Speech

Yeah, I mean, so, I was hoping that people would actually engage on this one. But I knew that they would engage on this one by actually explaining a rationale for why this is an off-limits question. So, I mean, this is obviously a taboo question, right?

This is obviously a question you're not really allowed to ask. And I know why. I mean, I can give you, and we'll explain. I understand why. I mean, there's like five reasons in my mind why people would make this a taboo question that I don't think are legit.

So, yeah, I mean, I think everyone, you have a response like this. Is it permissible? Yes. Reasonable? Obviously. Advisable? No. I mean, this is a guy looking at this situation, and he's saying, this is a perfectly, like my logical brain tells me this is perfectly reasonable, right?

Perfectly reasonable thing to do, perfectly logical to do, makes perfect sense. But then if I say this, it's going to, you know, everything's going to go downhill at that point. And my life is going to be miserable for a few days.

So, you know, for the sake of avoiding conflict, I don't really want to go through all that, right? So, I mean, basically, but I mean, like if you take a step back. Now, I mean, I know that's a joke. I know that we're mostly supposed to laugh at it, but like the issue is that reflects a certain posture in marriage that a man has adopted, right?

And it's the posture of marriage that men are told to adopt. So, like this is what the servant leader movement is telling people to do, right? Like this is standard marriage advice. You basically, if your wife is going to scream, if you do something, then you shouldn't do it, idiot, right?

Like that.

Yeah, you'll be the one in the wrong, right?

Right, right. So, like you're supposed to live with your wife in an understanding way. And living with her in an understanding way means like you have to learn her, right? Learn the things she doesn't like and just not do them, avoid them, right?

Yeah, avoid them. But that's really just, man, it's such a frustrating view of marriage when you think about it. Like it's a frustrating view because, I mean, there's a lot of things. And I mentioned this at several points in the comment section.

But, I mean, there's a lot of things women don't like. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do them, right? And so, like if it's a reasonable question to ask, like the issue is, is your wife an unreasoning animal that you have to treat like an unreasoning animal or do you expect her to be reasonable, right?

The Bible says, let your reasonableness be known to all men, like to everyone, right? That's men and women. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone the Lord is at hand. That's Philippians 4. So, like the issue is we're all called to be reasonable.

And if this is a reasonable question, it should be asked, right? And you need to figure out how to ask it, right? And, you know, if your wife is going to lose her mind if you ask it, then all you've done by saying, hey, no, I'm not going to ask her reasonable questions is you're basically saying, hey, she's an unreasoning animal and just is what it is, man.

That's how women are. And I would say, hey, yeah, I actually think more highly of them than that. And I don't think that you should allow them to act that way, right?

Right.

So, like, you know, so I don't think that's a sufficient reason to avoid asking a reasonable question for sure.

Okay.

What about this response, though, Tim? Maybe this one will be a little better. In the moment, it's often not helpful, but my wife will typically recognize it on her own.

Yeah, sure.

If, yeah, this is the same. This is the same response to the last one. Basically, it's not helpful. And what it's not helpful means is my wife doesn't like it. It doesn't produce the intended result. Therefore, I'm going to avoid it.

But, I mean, it's just it's not a good calculus. Meaning your wife isn't going to like being rebuked either.

Right.

So we're determining it's not helpful based on how she reacts. That's not how you determine what the right thing to do in any moment is and what's helpful in any situation. You don't wait to see how she's going to react to determine whether or not it's helpful.

That's not what it means to be a leader. What it means to be a leader is to take a principled stance on the issue and to do it.

Right.

Now, I mean, people will say, hey, but why do you have to make a stand here? But the point is just to say that's it's not the point. The point is, in general, you could be a husband who says, hey, yeah, my wife doesn't like to be rebuked.

So I'm not going to rebuke her because that isn't helpful. So I'd rather her just figure it out on her own. I can't talk to her about it. I can't ask her questions because she doesn't like my questions.

That isn't really how you lead. What you need to do is determine what's right and go for what's right in any given situation.

Okay. The next person said, I would advise husbands to keep track of these things yourself so you never need to ask and take hormonal clues as helpful information to that end and be courteous to your wife as she feels unwell.

This one's a funny one. Yeah, I guess you just sneak around in the past.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

What are we doing here?

Oh, no.

I mean, it's all indirect, right? I mean, this is I mean, it's all indirect. Like you need to figure it out on your own. It's like, yeah, I mean, all women don't have regular periods. I don't know if you're aware of that.

Not everyone's period is uniform in that way. There's a lot of women who don't actually have regular periods. And so I don't know where we're at on the cycle. I mean, most of the issue is like there's a lot of people who made this kind of comment.

Like a godly husband would just know or just keep track of it on his own. And it's like, yeah, I don't know about you, but I have a lot of things that are going on in my life. And I mean, I have a hard time keeping track of what year I'm in.

I mean, I'm just preoccupied with like all the things that I have to do. I'm going from one thing to another thing to another thing. So I'm in one mode here. I mean, men work all day long. Like godly men are working all day long in a job where their brain is in a completely different place.

And then they're coming home. And this isn't just on men. I can't tell you how many situations I've been at where me and my wife, we realize something's a little bit off or whatever. And she doesn't know either.

I don't know where we're at in the month. She doesn't know where we're at in the month. We're just doing our stuff, man. So it's not like we're looking at the calendar every day and plotting a chart on where are we at.

I'm reminding myself every day of where we're at so I can be extra sensitive. Sometimes you know, sometimes you don't know.

You didn't download the ovulation app?

I think actually my wife does have an ovulation app or something like that that she uses to keep track of these things. But I mean, she'll forget. She won't know.

I won't know.

Neither one of us will know. It's like, oh, it's already there again. We're already here again. This is just life, man. I don't know what to tell you. But I mean, the hidden assumption there is still you shouldn't ask and no one's answering why.

Still no explanation as to why I need to keep track of stuff.

I need to. A good husband will know intuitively without being told, without having to ask. He'll show extra sensitivity during that time. He'll be perfectly in tune with her bodily cycles and have them memorized and written in a tattoo on his arm that he's ever-changing.

What makes that guy a better husband? Why is he a better husband?

Why can't you talk about it? Yeah, that's the question that no one is answering.

Why can't you?

I mean, now there's answers to it.

Okay, next response. While there's nothing wrong with the question per se, the tone and intent are relevant. Most people saying no are assuming ill intent.

Yeah.

So, I mean, I think that was a comment in favor of like it's a fine comment.

Right.

People who are reacting to it are basically assuming ill intent. So, yeah, and I think this kind of gets at part of the reason why it's kind of become a joke basically to even ask this kind of question.

So, I mean, there's a lot of things that are going on. Let me see if I can demonstrate a few of the things that are conspiring to make this awkward conversation. So, but obviously there's part of this conversation that I understand, meaning like this is a time that is kind of personal.

It's a time that's kind of private. It's a time that's kind of embarrassing in certain ways. Like it's, I mean, it's not the most pleasant time in the world. Like, you know, if you had hormonal changes that, I mean, some of these hormonal changes, like if it's by no means like a certainty that just because a woman is like, you know, a few days prior to her menstrual cycle or whatever that she's just going to be a lunatic or something like that.

Some women just give themselves like just absolute permission to go wherever their feelings lead them, right, without any kind of accountability, and it can be worse. But, I mean, like godly Christian women, they know this is like there's temptations here, and, you know, some of them can be more mild.

And I think the more mature you are generally, the temptations are milder because you've learned to, you know, have emotional self-control in general. And then those who are a little bit less immature, this could be more of a significant trial.

But, I mean, it is, I understand like there is a certain dynamic to like this isn't polite dinner conversation or something along those lines. I think there's an aspect to this, there's a feminism kind of aspect to this as well, to where, you know, someone did point this out, like very few people pointed out any reasons.

But like this is a way that men typically dismiss whatever a woman is saying. So, basically, it just turns into an accusation like that basically reduces to you're being unreasonable right now, right?

So, whatever you're saying in this moment is unreasonable, and it just chalk it up to your hormones, right? Because that's the only….

And I can dismiss it.

Yeah, like this is the only reason why you would be acting in such an insane way is because you're PMSing, right? And so then, you know, I do think there is a kind of guy who can in kind of a rude way throw that out there to any woman who says anything that he disagrees with, right?

You must be PMSing. Now, I mean, at the same time, I mean, like, you never know. I mean, this is something that…. I mean, it's something you're not really allowed to talk about, you're not really allowed to think about.

But I mean, I've had plenty of situations where I've wondered like, why are they so emotional right now? You know, like just random people I don't know that I don't have any context about. And you're not really allowed to go there in your mind thinking, is this like something's going on?

This is not like a normal man conversation that I'm used to or whatever. You know, so like you're not allowed to say that. But I do think part of this though is there is like a feminism kind of dynamic here where, you know, we're not really allowed to acknowledge that these temptations are real, right?

So like there's a significant part of this conversation where you're not really allowed to acknowledge that like these things are real. Like meaning like we're being told that women are strong, powerful, courageous, independent, you know, don't need a man, whatever else, just as capable as a man, just as reasonable as a man, everything else.

But this is like, yeah, but there's like all men know like I can have conversations with men that go a particular way. And then I can have conversation with a woman, particularly during this time of the month.

And it goes very different, right? And whatever it is, it's not governed by reason. You know, like, and then that's just a big temptation. So part of the thing is you're just not really allowed to say that because that would indicate that men and women are different and like they have like their strengths and weaknesses.

And like maybe a man's strength is that he's a lot more emotionally stable on average than women and women come in and out of it, right? And so I think you're really not allowed to say that. You're not allowed to talk about that.

You're not allowed to really think about it. Now, I mean, people will make jokes about it. But then when the jokes happen, like there still is this, hey, I don't really know how to process this because I know as a guy, I'm not really allowed to acknowledge this is here.

But then I like really it's kind of a double logic because on the one hand, you're not really allowed to acknowledge that it's happening. And then on the other hand, it's like you have to completely validate everything that's happening, affirm everything that's happening right in the moment.

And then you have to pretend like everything that's happening in the moment is just completely and totally reasonable and normal and valid and real. And I affirm that and you go girl and your feelings are valid.

And so you have to make all sorts of allowances for things in your mind that feel very crazy. And that would be like the first guy's response is kind of to say it's reasonable, but it's not advisable, man.

But I think with this comment, there's basically saying, hey, yeah, if you're going to answer yes, people are instantaneously assuming that the only reason you're asking that is just as like a way of basically just shutting a woman up.

So the assumption there is that that would be the only useful way that this could ever come up is just as a mechanism for like the strong person in the relationship to pick on the other person. It's like, well, no, there's just so many ways this could come up and just everyday normal conversation for sure.

Right. Right.

Okay. Here's another another response is probably similar to one of the other ones we read before, but an in tune husband doesn't even have to ask. He knows her cycle and thinks ahead so he can have her favorite ice cream prepared.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah, I don't know what to tell you, but I don't have that superpower. But I think if I think it's like the longer you're married, the more you figure this stuff out better than you did at first.

Right.

And so I think a lot of I think a lot of what's happening is you have people who kind of sorted it out over the course of a decade or something like that. And they've kind of got to a place where generally, give or take, maybe they suspect it or whatever else.

But then but then the issue is when you're first married, you really don't know what's happening. Like, you know, it's not intuitively obvious to you what's happening. I mean, you're just like, oh, you know, you can have a I mean, particularly if you have conflict within your marriage.

And a lot of people, they do start out marriage and it's just there's conflict there, man, like you're living with a new person. And so you have a person who's already a lot more sensitive to like sensitive than they typically are.

Right. Yeah.

So you have a person who's already way more sensitive than a typical man is going to be much more prone to take offense in a lot of different ways on average. So, I mean, these are like very different kind of conversations.

And, you know, they may be upset with you. You know, there's a lot of marriages that go like this, where the wife is just upset with the husband. All the time, you know, then you then you add to that, like, like they're really upset with you irrationally, you know, and it's like, I don't know where to plot this on the graph of normalcy, really.

Right.

And so it just seems like you're bad all the time. You know, so I've talked to plenty of guys who like that's their experience of marriage. It's like you just seem mad all the time.

Right.

And I don't know.

And then, like, when they get real, like, you know, when the period comes, they're really mad. But then it's just like, I don't know if they're really mad because they're just like, what is this about?

I don't even know what's happening.

Right.

And so, yeah, I do think after, you know, after you've been married for a little bit, sure, you start to figure out. I wonder if I'm seeing the signs. And but I mean, when you're going about your life on your day to day doing your daily business, I mean, I be realistic, man.

Like in real life with real people, like no one is sitting there like no one is sitting there thinking, oh, man, that that outburst of emotion right there. That like that's because we're two days prior to, you know, like no one's first thought is to say that with any kind of confidence and with any kind of certainty.

And so, I mean, particularly if there's like just general conflict within the home, conflict within the relationship, you know, it's not I mean, most people's experience of marriage is not just like, oh, man, it's just completely peaceful, you know, for.

Right.

And then all of a sudden, it's just really bad, you know, it's just like, oh, yeah, something changed, you know. So, I mean, I think generally the longer you're married, you start piecing this stuff together and figuring it out.

But even so, it's still helpful, even if you've been married for a while. I mean, I brought up this example in a certain way, but I mean, if you start off your marriage saying, hey, yeah, this is a part of life and we're going to talk about it.

We're not going to be embarrassed about it. We're going to bring it up. I mean, there's plenty of times where you can you can say, hey, you know what, like, honey, you've been kind of short with me, you know, all day today.

And like, it seems like you're really emotional and there doesn't seem to be a lot of reason for it. So, this is like really abnormal. Like, what's going on? Are you about to start your period? What's happening here?

Right.

Like, that's a normal conversation. I've had that conversation plenty of times with my wife. And then she checks her app and she's like, oh, yeah.

She checks the app.

It's like, OK. You know, I mean, it's like instead of me just being frustrated because I don't understand why. Like everything I'm doing seems to be criticized or whatever else, like there's like super sensitivity going on instead of me just being frustrated about it's like, OK, I know what's happening as a husband.

I know what's happening now. And then as a wife, it's like, yeah, it's very helpful for her to know.

Oh, yeah.

You know what? I need to be extra careful about my disposition, about my demeanor, because I have some biological temptations that are filtering into that are real. So, I don't think anyone needs to pretend like this isn't happening.

And it's entirely helpful to talk about it. It's entirely helpful to have normal conversations about it. And the quicker you learn to do that in your marriage, the better off everyone else is. Because, I mean, husbands are actually called to live with their wife in an understanding way.

And so, if you go into your marriage from the very beginning, and we did this, like we went into our marriage from the very beginning saying, hey, we're just going to talk about this and quit treating this as if it's taboo.

Like, we're not going to do that. We're going to go into their marriage. We're going to talk about this. And we talked about this, and it saved us a lot of headache from talking about it and allowed each other to understand, OK, this is what this is like, and this is what this is like, right?

And as everyone grows in their sanctification and everything else, it's not really that big a deal. But it is helpful, useful information to figure out where everyone can have a category to figure out, hey, what are we doing right now, right?

Right.

So, you wouldn't classify it in the provoking your wife to wrath category, right, to ask that question?

If a woman decides that she's allowed to be provoked to wrath by something, that doesn't mean that you're provoking her to wrath by doing it. Does that make sense?

Yeah.

So, many women have allowed themselves the permission to be provoked to wrath by rebukes from their husband, right? So, a lot of women feel like it would be provoking to wrath to them, like if you were to give them any instruction about any expectation that you have about anything, right?

So, a lot of guys, they basically just say, hey, she gets mad at this, therefore, there's a moral imperative for me to avoid it, right? And that's basically what people think it means to be a good husband, is whatever your wife gets mad about, you avoid.

But the issue is that's not what it means to be a husband. Basically, you're responsible to present your wife as spotless and blameless before God. That's your job, right? You're to wash her with the water of the word.

Your job is to be a sanctifier in her life. That's what you're there to do. And so, if you know that, hey, there's a time here where you're going to experience biological temptations that I don't experience, that is useful information to know, right?

That is useful information for me to know, to know that you're experiencing a biological trial that I don't have to experience. So, here's the thing. So, one woman, basically, her response to this was, you don't need to ask.

You just need to, if she's acting like that and you suspect it, just go with it and give her extra grace, right? The problem is, yeah, I have a category for giving women extra grace during this period if there's some kind of biological temptations going.

But you don't just give a woman a free pass just to be all up in her feels any time because you have no way of verifying what's actually happening, right? So, I mean, I'm all for giving more grace during this time and more compassion during this time and more space during this time and everything else.

I mean, I don't think it's just completely hands-off, but I'm all for just being understanding and saying, hey, I'm going to be a little bit less critical, you know, and everything else.

Right.

But that's provided that I know what I'm looking at. You know, you can't ask me just to extend that indefinitely any time you're acting unreasonable because it might be possible that you're about to start your period or something.

It's just like, well, then, basically, what you're asking me to do is just, I can't ask this because she's going to get mad, and then I just need to extend grace upon grace upon grace and never deal with it.

And so, basically, we're being ruled as a family by your wife's emotions unless you guys have a plan to combat this.

Does that make sense?

So, basically, whenever she's being less than reasonable, it's like, well, maybe she's on her period.

I don't know.

Who knows? I can't ask because that would be rude and that would provoke her to anger. So, I'm just going to assume she is and just show her grace, you know, and be extra nice to her. It's like….

Well, think about how God is merciful, you know, how God interacts with us. I mean, God's merciful to us more than anyone is merciful. I mean, who's more merciful than God, right? But then at the same time, that doesn't mean that God doesn't rebuke us, that God doesn't correct us, that God doesn't sanctify us and grant, you know, give us the ability and the strength to be able to overcome the sins that once ensnared us, right?

And so, I mean, God is absolutely gracious to us, and He's more gracious than we are to one another for sure.

But that doesn't mean. He overlooks indefinitely.

Right.

Yeah, He doesn't overlook indefinitely. And so, if He doesn't, then why would we?

Right.

So, I mean, I think that that's like a big component of this conversation that you're not really allowed to go to. And that is, no, like a woman doesn't have a blank check during, you know, her time of the month just to be completely emotional, unreasonable, without any kind of check, without any kind of discussion about what's happening, without any kind of accountability whatsoever.

It's just like, hey, you know, be extra sensitive and be sweet and buy her chocolate and all this stuff. It's like, yeah, you could do that. But, I mean, I think you also, like, here's the thing. Like, if your wife is letting herself during that time be completely unreasonable, completely irrational, she's taking it, I mean, she's being petty, she's being vindictive, she's jumping to conclusions, she's not thinking the best of everyone in her family.