Courtship or Dating (Part 2)

Welcome to No Compromise Radio, a ministry coming to you from Bethlehem Bible Church in West Boylston.

No Compromise Radio is a program dedicated to the ongoing proclamation of Jesus Christ based on the theme in Galatians 2 verse 5 where the

Apostle Paul said, �But we did not yield in subjection to them for even an hour, so that the truth of the gospel would remain with you.�

In short, if you like smooth, watered -down words to make you simply feel good, this show isn�t for you.

By purpose, we are first biblical, but we can also be controversial. Stay tuned for the next 25 minutes as we�re called by the

Divine Trumpet to summon the troops for the honor and glory of her King. Here�s our host, Pastor Mike Abendroth.

Welcome back to No Compromise Radio, a ministry we are going to pick up today where we left off last week, and that�s on the topic of courtship and dating.

Courtship and dating. The first thing I like to say is if you didn�t listen to last week�s show, you probably should. But just to give you a quick recap.

I�m not afraid of the word �dating ,� per se. Here�s what I�m after. I think courtship primarily has the father as the one who is in charge of the relationship.

He�s in charge of protecting his daughter, and he is actively involved in the process of a young man and a young woman trying to get to know one another to see if they�d like to marry one another.

If they are not ready for marriage yet because the people are too young, they�re not able to hold a job, they�re 15 years old, there should be no involvement.

It should be later. It should be �wait.� And you know, the good thing is, if you believe in the sovereignty of God, A, that would be important for lots of reasons.

But in this particular case, if this is the person you�re supposed to marry, this 15 -year -old, then you will marry them, but you just have to wait in God�s timing for that.

If this person falls in love with somebody else, well, you wouldn�t want to have married them anyway. And so you can trust in the sovereignty of God even over your dating.

And so dating within the confines of courtship, I don�t really mind.

That is to say, if the father of the daughter says to the suitor that he�s gotten to know and has him over into the family for a variety of different dinners and social activities, and he is over several months or a year, whatever the time frame is,

I don�t know, has gotten to earn the trust of the father, and if he says, �I want to take your daughter to a concert at the

DCU Center or something ,� that�s a date, it�s a time. And then you say, �Yes, you can take her there and then bring her back by 1030 ,� or whatever the time is.

So dating in the world�s view, let�s go off privately and let�s figure out a way

I can try to seduce the girl or seduce the guy in this particular culture. We can hook up somehow.

Of course, I don�t like that at all. I like the man who�s interested in my daughter to call me up on the phone or meet me in person and say, �I�m interested in your daughter, and I would like to pursue a relationship with her if that�s okay with you and under your good timing.�

And then I�ll say, �Well, young man, that�ll be great.� And the first thing I like to do with men is to take them down to the shooting gallery and we�re going to go gun shooting together.

Oh, man. Okay, here I am again just sitting in my study. There�s nobody in here, and I�m laughing.

So listen to what Doug Wilson says on page 31 in his book, Her Hand in Marriage, Biblical Courtship in the

Modern World. �A son is reared up for independence. He is trained to leave while still respecting his parents� godly counsel.

A daughter is brought up to be transferred from one state of dependence to another. Sons leave, daughters are given.�

And that�s why in weddings, when the pastor says, �Who gives this man to be married to this woman ?�

If you�re me, I�ve probably said that before. �Who gives this woman to be married to this man ?�

It�s easier if they�re standing in front of you, then you can see it. You know, there�s the dad standing there, who gives this woman, and he�s got the girl on his arm, his daughter.

And it�s easy. But if you�re just sitting here in the studio, here in the middle of, where am I, West Boylston Land. It actually was raining today, and I think it will rain, and pretty much every day

I do a show, it rains. And so if you�d like to know why I�m so down and depressed and in the dumps when

I tape these shows, I�ll see you now know why. So who gives this woman to be married to this man?

The father of the bride -to -be, the father of the young lady.

He should say, �I do.� Why should he say, �I do ?� He should say, �I do ,� because he�s been the head of that young lady since she was conceived, and now he�s transferring his headship to say, �I endorse this candidate.

I endorse this groom. I have found him to be a wonderful man of God.

He�ll be able to provide for my daughter, a man of integrity and courage and loyalty, and I affirm this decision.

I will gladly say this man is God�s man for my daughter. I do.�

Now do me a favor. This could be in my pet peeve show, I guess, but I�ll do it right now. Would you please, dads, when you give away your daughter, would you please not be a total girl, and not be a total baby, and not be so bought into feminism that�s leaking to the church?

Would you please not say, �We do.� Would you please not say, �Her mother and I.�

I just can�t stand that. I will not allow that to go on in church marriages that I officiate.

I�m just not going to allow it. Why? Well, because I think the bride�s mother is useless.

I don�t think that at all. Because I think she�s subhuman. I don�t think that at all.

But she is not a co -leader, the leader of the family. The head of the family is the man, is the dad.

That�s just simple. And of course, if the dad�s got any brains at all in his noggin, he�s going to consult his wife.

She is going to give him all kinds of pillow talk and suggestions. He�ll learn from his wife. She is going to help him in every way, shape, and form.

I am just a regular person, a regular man. But my wife, because of who she is, she�s really brought me up to a level, to whatever a level

I�m at now, just had me go down about 5 rungs, 20 rungs, if she wasn�t in my life.

And so she is very, very important to me. If you�ve ever met my wife, you�ll realize I don�t run her over like a caveman and dragging her by the hair around, her having to say yes all the time.

That�s not my point. My point is this. You are the head, fathers, not you and the mother.

Why does Ephesians 6 even say fathers? The headship of the dad.

That is exactly why. So when that pastor says, �Who gives this woman to be married to this man ?�

Please do not say, if you have any inkling of courage and loyalty and duty and manliness about you and biblical fidelity, don�t say, �We do.�

We do. That sounds funny, doesn�t it? We do. And don�t say, �Her mother and I.�

And especially don�t say, �Her mother and me.� That would even be worse. Say, �I do.�

And then kiss your daughter. Kiss her goodbye. Go home and say, �Hallelujah, she�s out of the house.

Let�s party.� Duty discharged. Sleep well. Pray that they�ll have a wonderful honeymoon.

As a matter of fact, when I think about that day of my daughters getting married, I have three daughters, and I think about, as the pastor,

I will officiate those weddings. And so I will stand at the front of the wedding normally and let the father of the bride usher and escort his daughter down the aisle.

So I�m going to have to usher my daughter down the aisle, stand then in front of the church and say, �This is the reason why we�re here today.�

And then I�ll say, �Who gives this woman to be married to this man ?� And then I�ll have to stand back over to hold my daughter�s arm, and then

I�ll say, �We do.� I�ll say, �I do.�

And then I�ll have to give her a kiss. I don�t have to give her a kiss. I�ll give her a kiss, and then I�ll have to go back to the front and then officiate the rest of the wedding.

How about that? That�s going to be an amazing day. I�ll probably be crying, and we�ll make sure we don�t have any no -compromise people taping that to show that I actually could cry, although that�s something

I do do. I just try not to do it on the air while you�re taping a show. I try not to sneeze either, for that matter.

So we give our daughters away. Sons are meant to leave. Daughters are meant to be given.

And so when you�re teaching your children about courtship, whether they�re young men or young ladies, fathers, you need to be in charge, protecting the young ladies, and then also you protect your young men by saying, �This is how you go get that girl that you�re interested in through the father.�

Everything is through the father, and it�s all done in public. It�s all done in the environment of the family and in the environment of the church.

It�s not done privately. Sin likes to hide, and it�s a lot easier to sin when you�re hiding.

And you may be tempted to sin, but if you�re in the living room with the father and he�s sitting there with his 45 automatic, it is going to be very difficult for you to do that.

So when it comes to dating, courtship, whatever term you want to use, fathers, you are instrumental.

Wilson goes on to say, �In biblical courtship, the practical involved authority of the father over the process is fully recognized and appreciated.�

And that�s what you need to teach your children. I�m your dad, and I will gladly help you in this very, very, very important decision that you have.

Mom and Dad won�t just let you make it on your own. We�ll make sure that you have wisdom from us, and we�ll help you in every other decision on where to go to school, and what to do, and what to study, how to serve.

We�re going to help you with this too. Don�t worry. What a relief that must be for the young lady and for the young man.

Wilson said, �With recreational dating, the authority of the father is treated as a vestige of another era, or as a joke.�

In biblical courtship, the sexual purity of the daughter is protected and guaranteed by her father.

He is her permanent chaperone, assigned to that office by God. With biblical courtship, the courting activity is publicly connected to the life of the family, most likely the family of the young daughter.

With recreational dating, the privacy of the couple is paramount. So young men, if there�s a girl that you�re interested in, and you were able to get married, then you ought to have the initiative to go to the father and say, �I�m interested in your daughter.

May I see her? May I court her? May I spend time with her ?�

And then the father can say yes, or he can say no. He could say, �You�re not ready.� He could say, �She�s not ready.�

And the list goes on. It�s very interesting. When I study this topic,

I do also appreciate Elizabeth Elliott�s writing when she talks about Jim and herself.

Listen to what Jim Elliott and Elizabeth Elliott would have to say about once there is a relationship, to what degree should you be involved, that is, physically.

Should you hold hands? Should you touch? Should you kiss? And this is going to be something that the couple is going to have to figure out with probably the help of the father.

And so there are some people who say, �You know, we won�t kiss until our engagement.�

Okay, that�d be fine. Some people kiss earlier than that. If you�ve been involved in sexual sin before that, that may be difficult because it�s hard to go back to training wheels.

And so you might have to be very careful. Here�s what Elizabeth Elliott�s mother told her when she was 13, �Never chase boys and always keep them at arm�s length.

And if you follow those rules, Elizabeth Elliott�s mother said to Elizabeth, you will never be in a compromising position.

And then, it�s interesting, her brothers were told by her father, Elizabeth Elliott�s father said to her brothers, �Never tell a woman you love her until you are prepared to follow that statement immediately with, �Will you marry me ?�

Did you get that? �Never tell a woman you love her until you are prepared to follow that statement immediately with, �Will you marry me ?�

That is wonderful advice. That is great advice. We have our society today, it�s basically recreational sex, it�s casual sex, and whether it�s because of birth control or because of the media or because of sinful hearts or because of all those things, it�s just chaos out there.

It�s crazy out there, and for Christians we�re not saying sex is bad, we�re saying premarital sex is bad.

Josh Harris writes a book called I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and it is very instructive so that we understand how to find a wife or how to find a husband.

In the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Josh Harris says, �If you�re not ready for marriage, wait on romance.�

So why would you get yourself romantically involved? Why fathers would you allow your daughters to get romantically involved if you�re not ready for marriage?

No, you don�t want to do that. I like Harris�s book, Boy Meets Girl, and he says these things, some good questions to ask yourself.

Am I prepared to lead my wife spiritually and serve her in every way? If you answer yes to these questions, you are on the road to say, �Yes,

I could be ready for marriage.� So if you�re 16, I don�t think you�re going to answer these things properly, and 16 -year -olds don�t need to court, they don�t need to date.

Do I have proven character, and am I growing in godliness? How am I involved in the church?

Are my motives for pursuing marriage selfish and worldly? Or are they to honor

God? Can I provide financially? What do my pastors and parents have to say?

That is excellent advice. Lots of times as pastors here at Bethlehem Bible Church, we hear too late of someone�s relationship.

They�re already romantically involved, and then it�s hard to stop that if the person isn�t who they need to be.

People murder for romance. People kill for murder. People kill for murder.

That�s exactly right. You mark that down. People do all kinds of things for the love of someone else, irrational things,

I might add. And so why don�t you get your�especially if you�re older.

So far I�ve been basically talking in terms of dating for those who are younger, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, those who are still at home.

But once you get out there, and you�re older, and maybe you�re far away, or maybe your dad could care less, and you�re just a single daughter, and you�re 25 or 30, and your dad�s not involved, wouldn�t you want to have your pastors involved?

Wouldn�t you want them to say, �I realize you don�t have a father who�s a godly man.

He�s not a Christian. We would love to help you in that role, to help screen this person so you don�t make a bad decision.�

What other advice could I give you on No Compromise Radio? We�re talking about courtship. This is part two.

And now let�s give you some other philosophies. Here you go. Let�s talk about flirting.

What about flirting? I see some kids at the church that follow other kids around like puppy dogs.

By the way, I don�t think you should do that. Parents, you need to tell your kids to stop it. Number two, flirting too easily gives away intentions.

I think of Jim and Elizabeth Elliot, again, just because it�s such a wonderful story, where Jim was busy doing the work of the ministry, and he could not be bothered with other things like ladies and romance.

But as the years went on, that romance blossomed, and Elizabeth was pretty stunned when she got the offer for marriage and courtship, because she didn�t really think he was interested.

He didn�t telegraph all his feelings early, and he kept them back. So to me, flirting is the exact opposite.

Flirting just gives away everything too early. You should refrain from flirting, just like you should refrain from casual dating.

Don�t do that. You need to delay those things. There will be a time for flirting.

There�s a time for romance. There�s a time for sex. There�s a time for intimacy. But those things are later.

We don�t want you to do that. Now, on No Compromise Radio, let�s try to think about what we tell older couples.

Older couples, when you look at 1 Corinthians 7, what does the text say? Paul says in chapter 7, verse 7, �I wish that all were as I am myself, but each one has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.�

By the way, what are all gifts from God intended for? What�s their purpose? And whether it�s the gift of teaching or the gift of singleness, the purpose of the gifts would be for the building up of the body.

And so Paul had a wife, lost his wife some way. We don�t know why, and now

Paul devotes himself for ministry. He says in verse 8 of 1 Corinthians 7, �To the married and to the widows

I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am, but if they cannot exercise self -control, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn.�

Literally, it ends there, but the ESV and the NAS and NIV say to burn with passion.

When it comes to those flames of lust and desire for intimacy that are nagging, that are distracting, that are dominating, you can�t really serve the

Lord well when you�re having all those thoughts. So Paul says here, the only command found in this section, �Get married.�

You should marry. Now the problem is, we don�t take these things as seriously as we should.

We don�t say to ourselves, �You know what, I�m really struggling in this area, I should marry.� We say things like, �You know,

I won�t marry until I go to college, pay off all my debts, and have a house, and then

I can marry.� I think that is problematic. I don�t want you to do that. I think that goes against the grain here, especially if you�re struggling and burning.

I think if you�re going to be around a lady or be around a guy, your mentality should not be, �How far can

I go and still not sin? How far can I go and still be saved in terms of touching and kissing and everything else ?�

That�s only going to lead you. Let�s say you�re bound and determined to say, �We will just not sleep together, but we�ll try to do all kinds of other things.�

You think that�s going to contribute to your burning passion, or do you think that is going to solve the problem?

A commentator said, �Paul is concerned that unmarried believers might find themselves lured into illicit sexual activity.�

That�s exactly right, and that�s not going to quench the thirst of your desire.

That�s only going to fan the flame of lustful, sinful temptation.

You�re going to be robbing someone else. You don�t want to do that. I think you should stay busy in ministry.

I think it should work out. I think you should be staying at home playing video games for 19 hours a day.

No, not at all. I don�t want you to do that. I think you should toss your

Christian romance books. If you�re a young lady and you�re struggling in this area and burning with lust, why would you read all these

Christian romance books? I think you should be involved in ministry, and then other people who are your age involved in ministry can say, �This person is actually obeying the

Lord.� That�s a good place to start. So today, coming to grips with singleness, what do we do?

Now, some people have asked me, �Is it okay to go to eBay ?� It�s okay to go to eBay and buy a wife,

I guess, if she�s overseas. I�m sure glad we don�t have any

Arbitron ratings or anything like that. That would be bad. That would be really bad. eHarmony, if you meet some singles group at another church,

I guess you could do those things. And I�m already married to a beautiful wife, beautiful on the outside and inside, so it�s easy for me to say no to things.

I guess those things would be fine. Here�s what I don�t want you to do, though. I don�t want you to go to a bad church, a man -centered church, to find girls or to find guys.

Because then if you find one, they�re going to be influenced by man -centered preaching and you�re going to have a man -centered spouse.

Don�t you want a spouse that�s going to be a Christian who has a high view of God? Basically, these are the rules for you for looking at someone and prospects of dating.

Number one, they have to be the opposite sex. Number two, they have to have always been the opposite sex.

I almost have a smoker�s cough today. I�m not a smoker, but maybe I used to be.

I don�t know if I want to tell you all the things I�ve done. I don�t even think smoking is sinful necessarily.

It�s really stupid, but that�s another topic. So one, opposite sex. Two, have always been the opposite sex.

Three, born again. And even in 1 Corinthians where it talks about people can get remarried in the

Lord. You are to marry Christians. You are to marry people that don�t just read their Bibles, that don�t just say they�re

Christians. They�ve just not been baptized, catechized, consecrated, and irrigated.

No, you are to date only people who are born -again Christians that your Father can confirm and affirm and the church confirms and affirms.

You are not to marry someone who doesn�t have a high view of the sovereignty of God. While this is now just wisdom, it�s not necessarily biblical, but if you are a young man and you�re a charismatic

Arminian and you�re going to want to date my daughter, well, I may let you court her as I try to work on your theology, but at the end of the day, you and your wife will have problems and troubles and trials and deaths of children, etc.,

and you need to have a husband, young ladies, who trusts in the utter sovereignty of God over evil things, over calamities, over everything, not just the good.

Here�s what you need. You need a Calvinist for a husband. That�s what you need. You need someone with a high view of God�s sovereignty over it all.

That�s what you need. You need someone who is serving already, who�s already serving the Lord, doing exactly what

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7. If you�re single right now and God�s given you that ability to stay single and work hard for ministry, that�s what you need to do.

That�s what you need to do in the meantime. And so, I guess that�s enough.

We�re pretty much out of time. If you are single and you�re viewing marriage as an idol, you need to stop that.

If you�re viewing sex as an idol, you need to stop that. If only I get married, then I�ll be happy.

If only I get married and have sex, then I�ll be happy. That is idolatry. And that will force you at times to marry the wrong person.

Mike Abendroth, No Compromise Radio Ministry. We�re talking about courtship and dating today. And just advice for the loved one is what we�re getting today.

No Compromise Radio with Pastor Mike Abendroth is a production of Bethlehem Bible Church in West Boylston.

Bethlehem Bible Church is a Bible teaching church firmly committed to unleashing the life -transforming power of God�s Word through verse -by -verse exposition of the sacred text.

Please come and join us. Our service times are Sunday morning at 1015 and in the evening at 6. We�re right on Route 110 in West Boylston.

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