God's Guidelines For Growing Your Kids - [Ephesians 6:1-4]

Well pastor, thank you. And again, it is a joy for me to have been with you all you guys these Three days. I mean, I don't know if y 'all say you guys or not. But we say you all where I'm from. But it has been a delight and you have been such a blessing and encouragement to me.

I was actually here five or six years ago. And so you cannot know The excitement and joy that I have and seeing how God has grown This fellowship and how he's brought so many People to faith in Christ and then to be a part of a church that loves the gospel that loves the word.

Gospel-Centered Parenting and the Family in Ephesians 6

And wants to see that at ministry. Extended it. So it's been a real encouragement to me Mike and I rejoice in the ministry Just taking place here and your pastor said it. Well what we talk about this morning is our response to the grace of God in Christ.

That allows us then to be gospel centered parents and to hopefully build Gospel centered Christ honoring homes. So if you would take your Bible and join me in the book of Ephesians chapter 6 Ephesians the 6th chapter will give our attention to verse 1 through verse 4.

Ephesians chapter 6 verse 1 through verse 4. We're in the midst of Paul's instruction on the family. He has told us back in verse 18 that the key to all of this is being filled With the Spirit which then ushers in an attitude and disposition of Submission where we seek the best for others and defer our rights to them in verse 21.

And then he talks about the role of a godly wife and the role of a godly husband in chapter 5 verses 22 through 33. And now he moves to talk about the role of parents in the rearing of their children.

So in chapter 6 verse 1 Paul writes. Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. Honor your father and mother. This is the first commandment with a promise that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.

Fathers do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in the discipline and the instruction of the Lord. She died on April the 26th 1989 so she's been dead for more than 20 years. But even today people would still know the name Lucille Ball because in her day she was clearly The queen of comedy and Lucille Ball was a very insightful woman and shortly before she died She was interviewed on television by a man named Merv Griffin and in that interview Merv Griffin asked Lucy a series of very interesting and I would even say very important questions.

Lucille you lived a long time on this earth and you are a wise person. What's happened to our country. What's wrong with our children? Why are our families falling apart? What's missing? And to those series of questions Lucille Ball quickly said this Papa's missing.

Things are falling apart because Papa's gone. If Papa were here He would fix it. We learned this weekend that in America today 40 of all the children live in homes where their biological father is not present.

Yes in way too many homes today Papa is gone. And yet there's another tragedy. It's almost as bad as that one in it and it is this. There's still other homes where though he is physically there. Daddy's not there.

He is tuned out. He is checked out and he really doesn't have a clue About what's going on in the lives of his children. Thank the disappointment and even the heartache that is experienced by many kids was expressed pretty well a few years ago in a letter Written to 17 magazine.

Listen to what this teenage girl wrote. Have you ever heard of a father who won't talk to his daughter? My father doesn't seem to know I'm alive in my whole life. He has never said he loves me or giving me a goodnight kiss unless I asked him to.

I Think the reason he ignores me is because I'm so boring. I look at my friends and think if I were funny like Jill or a super brain like Sandy or even outrageous and punk like Tasha he would put down his paper and be fascinated.

I play the recorder and for the past three years I've been a soloist in the fall concert at school. Mom comes to the concerts, but dad never does. This year I'm a senior and so it's his last chance I'd give anything to look out into the audience and see him there.

But who am I kidding? It will never happen. Now parents listen to me. I don't want to overstate anything this morning. I want to be as balanced and honest as I can possibly be but I'll tell you something.

I believe for children knowing that mom and dad care and Knowing that mom and dad will be there when you need them. It sometimes can even be the difference between life and death for a child. Focus on the family carried a story in their magazine a few years ago.

It had run earlier in Reader's Digest. It's a true story. It's one of the most remarkable Testimonies, I believe I've ever come across in the difference that the love of a daddy made in the life of one of his children.

So before we go to God's Word today, listen to what happened on this Particular occasion. One day a father took his two elementary school aged children for a ride in a pontoon boat. They were traveling down the river when suddenly the motor stopped when the father looked behind him.

He noticed something familiar about the red sweater now tangled up in the propeller his young son yelled. Sherry fell in in Horror. The father saw his little girl now entwined in the propeller of the boat.

She was submerged just beneath the surface of the water looking straight into the eyes of her daddy and holding her breath. He jumped into the water and tried to pull the motor up. But the heavy engine would not budge and time was now running out desperately.

The father filled his own lungs with air and dip below the surface blowing air into his daughter's lungs after giving her air three times. The father took a knife from his son's hand. He quickly cut the red sweater from the propeller propeller and lifted his daughter back into the boat.

Although she had survived her deep cuts and bruises needed medical attention. So they quickly rushed her to the hospital. But when the crisis was over The doctors and nurses came into her room and they asked little girl this simple question.

How come you didn't panic? Well, she said we've gone up on the river and my dad always taught us and if you panic you could die and Besides I Knew my daddy. He would come and get me. Now parents your kids know that.

Do your kids know that if they did something that that disappointed you that that broke your heart if their back was against the wall. Do they know my dad my mom they would be there and they would come and get me.

You see I have a basic thesis that's going to undergird Most of what I say to more this this morning and that basic thesis is this most parents almost all parents Love their children, but that's not really the issue.

The issue is do your children feel loved by the things you say and by the way you treat them by the things you do. Do your children feel loved and so what is it that we can learn from God's Word today that would help us?

Understand how it is that we can indeed love our kids in a way that they will understand and thereby follow and adopt. And implement some guidelines that will grow them to grow and love and adore and serve the Lord Jesus Christ.

Well, first of all, let me like two basic theological principles and then I'll move into some practical things We can do as well. So number one the Bible says we love our children by Educating them that is the theme of Ephesians 6 1 2 and 3 we love our children by Educating them.

Now the first thing he says in verse 1 is this it is the proper thing for us to instruct our children verse 1 children Obey your parents in the Lord for this is Right that word obey is an imperative. It's a word of command.

He is not suggesting He's not asking but God commands children you obey your mom and your dad. It's in the present tense. Which means this is to be the the pattern or the habit of a child's life now. Let's be fair with the text and theologically accurate.

Will children obey perfectly? No. They're little sinners like we're big sinners and so they will not obey us. Perfectly, but parents listen to me from the time your children are small. You should impart to them the expectation of their Obedience.

In other words, it should be the the pattern and the habit of their life that they obey mom and dad. So the Bible says children you continually obey Your parents now he qualifies that statement in two ways.

He says number one. It's in the Lord and number two this is Right, in other words when a child is obeying mom and dad they're actually honoring the Lord. We were blessed with four sons. They're now grown.

But as they were growing up from the time they were tiny. Even through the adolescent and teenage years. I tried to help them understand look ultimately Your obedience or your disobedience. It's not against me.

It's not against your mother. It's before the Lord and when you are obeying us You are honoring the Lord and when you disobey us you are dis honoring and dis obeying the Lord it is in The Lord but then he says this is right.

This is the proper thing to do in other words God ordained and structured the home in a way that parents have the responsibility to teach their children to Obey, so he says obey your parents in the Lord for this is right.

But now listen to me. I don't think it's enough. I think biblically it's not enough just to tell our kids what to do. Over and over and over in the Bible. We are also given motivations. Why? Should a child obey mom and dad why should they honor mom and dad?

And so Paul says yes, it's the proper thing to do verse one. But then Paul says there's a promise in verse 2 in verse 3 and look at it with me. Honor your father and mother that word is also an imperative word of command.

It's also in the present tense. So a child is told by God you continually obey mom and dad you continually honor mom and dad and This is the first commandment with a promise. And Paul being the theologian that he is goes back to the Ten Commandments found both in Exodus chapter 20 and in Deuteronomy chapter 5 and there we discover this obey your mom and dad on your mom and dad.

This is the first commandment with a promise verse 3 that it may be well or may go well with you. You're going to have a better life and secondly that you may live long in the land. You'll have a longer life.

So as a general covenant here what I say there as a general covenant and as a general Pack that God makes with children. He says you obey mom and dad you honor mom and dad and I promise I will bless you with both a better life and a longer life now.

There could be some of you here today who would say but wait a minute hold on timeout. That may be fine if you live or if you grew up in a good godly home. I understand if you've got godly parents who love the Lord Jesus.

Then I understand why God would tell me to obey and honor them. That makes perfectly good sense, Danny. But if you knew the hell on earth I grew up in. If you knew the dysfunctional family, that was my experience or maybe it's your experience today.

You would know that God does not Want me it does not expect me to honor my mom and dad these verses. They're not for me. And in fact, some of you might even say, you know, I bet you grew up in a good home.

So you don't really understand what some of us have experienced and what some of us are going through today. And you would be right and wrong. You'd be right in that I grew up in a good home had a good dad a good mom.

They loved me. They took care of me. They came to my ballgames. I have really no complaints at all about how Lowell and Emma Lou Aiken took care of Danny. No complaints at all the folks in Contrast. God gave me a wife.

And her experience as a child was exactly the opposite of mine. You see Charlotte was born into the home of alcoholic parents. And when she was seven years old, they divorced after bouncing around from one home to another and then to another.

At the age of nine Charlotte her brother and her sister were all three placed in the Georgia Baptist Children's home outside of Atlanta where she would live until she was 18. During those years. She never saw her mother.

In fact when we began to date. She thought her mother was dead. And folks we've been married for more than 25 years before she told me this but we were talking one day driving somewhere. And I don't remember why but I said well, honey, you know when you left to go the children's home.

Did you see your mom and she looked down at the floor and she said well, yeah she said I was sitting out on a bench on the front porch. And my mother walked out and looked at me and slapped me in the face and knocked me off the bench out in the front Yard and said all of this is your fault.

She turned around walked back into the house. She would not see her mother again until she was almost 18 years old. Her daddy came to see her a couple of times the first month that she was there and Then she would not see her father again until after we were married.

In fact, we've been married again for more than 20 years. We were in the car again one day and I said, you know Honey, you know, did you ask your dad to come see you and again? She looked down and she said yes, I would call him and I would say daddy.

He's on a Thursday or Friday. Will you come and see me this weekend? I'd really like to see you. And she said, you know, my daddy said the same thing every time. Yeah, babe. I'll come and see you. So my wife would get up on Saturday mornings.

She'd go out and sit on the front porch of the cottage home where she stayed and she would wait two three. Sometimes she had sit there for four hours waiting for a daddy. Who never showed up when we got married?

We're at my mom and dad's home in Atlanta. And she gets on the phone and she calls her father daddy I'm getting married. And I want you to give me away. He's kind of quiet for a few moments and suddenly I see the tears start running down her face.

I'll never forget it. She said well, I know you're shy. And so if you don't want to give me away, that's okay. I Just want you to come to my wedding and even though he lived about ten miles away. He said well, I won't be able to make it but I do hope you have a great day.

And he didn't come. I Remember the first times I met him. We were back in Atlanta, we were living in Dallas, but we'd come to Atlanta for Christmas. We're at her mother's house and he she just reestablished relationship with her mom.

And so her dad came over. And I admit to you all I didn't act as I should. I was angry at him for how he had treated my wife and his Daughter and so later that evening we took him back to the Veterans Hospital in Atlanta, Georgia where once more he was going through a Detox treatment for his alcoholism.

And as he got out of our van, it was walking back into the hospital again, very Insensitive. I looked at Charlotte and I said, you know, your dad is just pretty sorry. He's not worth much and She looked at me and once more with tears streaming down her face.

She said down there forget it because it's so convicted me. She said well Yeah, I guess he is but he is still my daddy. And I will always love him. Her daddy died lost. Unless something happened on his deathbed that we don't know her daddy is in hell today.

He died never telling his daughter. He loved her never and Yet in all the years I've known her I've never heard my wife say anything ugly or unkind about her daddy. Not not one time. By the way, her mother because of the love of a daughter Was saved on her deathbed one week before she died.

And a dear friend of ours went and shared the gospel with Dealey Ramsey and literally on her deathbed. She prayed to receive Christ because of a daughter Who never stopped loving and never gave up on either her dad or her mother?

Folks don't tell you something and I say this with great joy. My wife is one of my heroes. She's one of my heroes. She's a great wife. She's a wonderful wonderful mother. She's not on drugs. She's not in counseling.

She's not in therapy. Oh, she has some scars. There there are some tender places in her life as a result of how she grew up. But she is a wonderful wonderful godly woman. You see even though she grew up in hell on earth.

She to the best of her ability obeyed the Word of God and God kept his word and has blessed her with a good long Blessed life and so we need to trust God and we need to educate our children. But now secondly, we also need to encourage our children as well.

And verse 4 is very interesting. Look at the very first word fathers fathers. Gentlemen, it is a reminder that we are called to the leadership assignment in the home. It's not that the mothers are not involved in this but it is the father who is to take the lead in what follows.

I think that Paul was basing his argument over out of what we read yesterday morning Deuteronomy chapter 6 verses 1 through 9 where the Bible says where Moses says the fathers and the Grandfathers ought to teach their children to love the Lord their God with all their heart with all their soul with all their strength.

We're the ones who are to teach our children when they lie down get up sit and walk. It is the man's Responsibility to be the spiritual leader of the home. So Paul says fathers Do not provoke your children to anger.

But there's the negative word but positive word. Bring them up in the discipline the child discipling and in the instruction the admonition of The Lord. Paul says don't provoke your children to angry at the anger.

Don't be the kind of dad that gives him an unsettled situation. So they they really never know what you're gonna say. They they really don't know what you're gonna do. Are you gonna hug him or slap him?

Don't be like that. Are you gonna affirm him or yell at him? Don't be like that. No don't push them toward anger and wrath but Nourish them. It's the same Greek word that's translated bring them up back in chapter 5.

When it talks about a husband is to nourish and cherish his wife. So he says Cherish your children nourish them in discipline discipleship and in the instruction of The Lord. Now again, sometimes parents have said to me daddy sounds nice, but doesn't work.

I'm like what you mean doesn't work doesn't work. Kids don't listen to mom and dad. All the all the intellectual experts tell us that they are far more Ashamed and influenced by peer pressure than they are parental guidance.

Now I'll tell you something if I could just be blunt the experts are idiots. I could try to say it in a nice fancy PhD kind of a way, but there's no need they're just idiots. They do not know what they're talking about.

The fact of the matter is Your kids do care what you think they do listen to what you say and They pay a whole lot of attention to what you do. See, there's the problem. Sometimes what we say has a disconnect with what we do and so no wonder that they write you off for the hypocrite that you are.

See some of us are really good at talking it. It's not really good at living it. The fact matter is your children are little eagles. Who are eyeballing you all of the time? Largest survey of American teenagers in the history of our nation took place in 1998.

12 years ago 13 years ago a lot of fascinating things were discovered. But one thing in particular stands out in fact. It was so significant. Newsweek commented on it, and I'll just quote what they said in a recent national survey.

Teenagers named their parents as their number one heroes. You hear that? Who's your hero? Athlete. No Movie star. No Politician. Are you kidding? He's there may be some here, so I'm sorry don't don't take it.

Don't take it too personal, okay? But no who's my hero. That's easy. It's my dad and my mom you see they do. Care what you think and they do listen to what you say and they pay a massive amount of attention to what you do.

So very quickly we're going to turn down to practical theology. What do you do if you look through Scripture in books like Genesis and Deuteronomy and Proverbs? And some New Testament passages. What did you discover are the kinds of things you and I ought to be doing?

Day in and day out that will let our kids know that we love them and that will guide them Toward faith in Jesus Christ. I'm going to run through a number of things very quickly. You can jot them down if you want you get the tape later.

They're not profound. But they're true because they all come out of the Word of God so number one. You love well your kids by entering into their world. I call this Incarnational parenting and I draw it from the analogy of God invading our world in the person of Jesus Christ.

You love your kids by getting down on their level and entering into their world. You step back and you ask. How does my five-year-old my ten-year-old my 15 or 18 year old given there given their sex?

Given their age. Given their maturity. Given their interest. How do they look at the world and you love them well by entering into their world? How do we know this morning that God loves us we know? Because he got down on our level and he entered into our world in the person of his son Jesus Christ.

Now I'll be the first to admit that is much easier said than done. It is not always easy to get into the world of a child. I heard about a little boy. His turtle died broke his heart cried all day. Dad came home from work and mom said honey.

He's in the backyard crying his turtle died. And I can't get anywhere you need to do something so that he says let me go back there. So he goes back there and sure enough the the turtle is it's not moving.

Little boys crying. Dad begins to rack his brain and says son. I I'm sorry your turtle died, but I tell you what we cannot. We can have a turtle funeral and Celebrate your turtle going to turtle heaven wherever they go when they die, and I tell you what.

I'll get a shoebox and we'll put him in there. I'll dig a hole and we'll bury him right back here in the backyard and Since we're gonna have a little funeral service I will preach a little sermon for you turtle and you can invite all your friends over to the house to be a part of the of the service and since we're Celebrating is going to turtle heaven or wherever they go when they die.

We'll have a party. And I'll get your mother to make a homemade cake, and I'll make some homemade ice cream. And we'll just have a little party Celebrating your turtles funeral and after that if there's time we'll go down to the park.

And we'll run around and ride some of the rides and take our bat and ball and and so what do you think if we were? To do all that for your turtles funeral. Well. He's still crying, but he looks up and he says We can have a party.

Oh we can have a party. And I keep. I don't invite every one of them. And you'll make that. I'll make ice cream your mom will make a cake son. We'll do all that. What do you think? Little boy thought about it for a little bit longer and the tears stopped.

A Little smile came across his face. He said well daddy that that'll be okay. Your boy dad felt great. He'd saved the day. Took his son by the hand they begin to go back to the house, and can you believe it at?

Exactly that moment I that turtle shell boom comes that head. He begins to look around and check everything out and So the dad saw it the dad said well look son look your turtle. He's not dead after all he's alive.

And the little boy he began to scream and cry kill him daddy. Kill him. Gonna have my party now. That may not make sense to a 54 year old. That makes all the sense in the world to a five-year-old little boy.

So if you're going to love them, well, you're going to enter in to their world number two. You love them by loving your mate by loving your mate. We were told in Ephesians 5 25 husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her.

Even women are told in Titus 2 for to love well their husbands. You say why do you think that's so important because great partners almost always make great parents. You say why. Because the number one need in the life of your child related to love is security and.

Few things bring greater security in the life of your child like knowing my dad loves my mom. My mom loves my dad, and they'll always be here for me. So if you just love your mate, well, you'll give your kids about 95 of all that.

Number three you love your kids by giving them discipline. Proverbs has a massive amount to say about that because here's the deal. They come to the world screaming. Where are the boundaries? What's right?

What's wrong? And so I'm not an expert here as I said over the weekend I raised four sons, so I have a lot of experience, but I don't consider myself an expert. But I'll share some things I found from Scripture and some common sense kind of things from sort of you know.

Just God's common grace that helped us you can try them and see if they they work for you. But a couple of guidelines and then some very specific biblical principles first of all I think it's wise to give your kids a a big playing field and not a little box a Big playing field and not a little box you say why.

Two reasons. Number one if you say to your children You must live in the little box all the time. That they want. That they can't. You said well why not because they're children and I'd at least tell you this much.

God did not design little boys to live in a little box that he did not do. I know that from Empirical verification all right. Secondly and this is crucial. You will not be consistent in your discipline, and here's the deal parents wherever you draw the lines.

You must be rigorously. Rigorously rigorously. Consistent in your discipline. So draw the lines where they really need to be drawn and they'd be very very rigorous and very consistent in Enforcing those guidelines.

When I boys were little we had a rule. You do not go into mom and daddy's bathroom. If you do you'll get a spanking you said why'd y 'all have that rule. Because Jonathan actually Nathan, but one of the twins went in there one day got some campophonique and swallowed a bunch of it.

So we took him to the hospital Doctor's hospital, and then they said well no he needs to go the pediatric hospital. So we took him over to Parkland Hospital there in Dallas where they took John Kennedy.

When he was shot, and we went to the pediatric unit and we sat there till about one o 'clock in the morning and finally a doctor came out and He said what's wrong with him, and we said well. He swallowed campophonique, and he said well.

When did he swallow it and we said about 630, and he said well nothing's happened to him by now. He's fine y 'all can go home. And they charged us, but I had to pay for that. So I'm still kind of bitter, but I'm I'm working through it working through it.

So we decided you know they just don't need to go in there. There's too much stuff in there. They could put their mouths. They're still too dumb to know what goes in what doesn't go in so they can't go to go there get a spanking two weeks.

Later Jonathan the other twin the three at the time Comes into our bedroom. And I'm telling you he walks right up to the edge of the carpet and the tile just like this I mean just like this and gets looks down at it and looks up at me like a little three-year-old can do just grins.

And you know like in this cute, and I'm like son. I've told you now You're not to go in mom and daddy's bathroom if you go in there. You are going to get a spanking. He looked back down at his at his feet and looked up at me and grinned and did this.

Just One time. You say well, what did you do. I tore his tail up? That's what I did. Because I told him if he goes into the bathroom. He will get a spanking so wherever you draw the lines. You've got to be consistent in your discipline and parents.

You don't need to use the line. I'm gonna tell you again. I'm not gonna tell you again. I Tell you one time. You do a be Immediately follows, and you're just consistent in your discipline all right very quickly.

I Think we discipline our children all the days. They're under our watch care, okay? Now I believe we adjust the way we discipline as they grow older. You said why would you say that. Well a couple reasons?

But I think there's even a principle in Proverbs that would guide us in that direction. Proverbs chapter 29 and verse 15 says this the rod and the rebuke give wisdom. But a child left to himself will bring shame to his mother.

Let me add a Denny Aiken commentary the rod when they're young. The rebuke and in our culture the restriction Will give wisdom, but a child left himself will bring shame to his mother. So you say wait a minute hold on.

You think it's alright in? 2011 in the sophisticated intellectually Adept culture in which we find ourselves you think it's still alright to spank kids. Well I even heard that there's a book that's just come out by evangelicals who refer to Spanking as a form of not only child abuse, but violence against children you say.

You think it's still alright to spank you listen to me. Bible or experts. I go with the Bible every time. There's the real expert. Okay now hear me hear me. Well I don't only think it's alright to spank children when they're small.

I think with certain children and In certain circumstances, it's absolutely essential. But I again I have a PhD. Which just means I went to school a long time as I said yesterday. But I have a minor in philosophy, which I shared I try to use that on my wife it goes nowhere.

I Tried to use it on my children it would go nowhere. I could get Nathan Jonathan Paul Tim and give them this airtight. Virtually infallible argument and for some reason they they just didn't get it. But if I got back here you see their brain is in their buns until they till they grow up.

That's where the brain is and so you get back there, and suddenly it's amazing. Is this utterly amazing. How intelligent that they can become and so I always under control. Never an anger and in moderation.

Yes I think it's alright to spank them when they're small. But I would remind you that in the world of the Bible they became adults at about the age of 12. Have a follow-up question. You think dad was taking the rod to when they were 14 16 18 years old.

Highly unlikely unless it was an extenuating and extreme circumstance. My four sons I disciplined them all till they left to go to college and actually I still disciplined them until they got off the meal Ticket and you know the gravy train, and they stayed on it as long as they were smart.

They stayed on as long as they could and so you know but as long as I'm dishing out cash. They're under my authority but the rebuke the restriction I Discovered worked much better for young man men in their teens.

Now you again may have an exceptional case every now, and then I recognize that but I do know this you love your kids. You will give them Discipline. Number four you love your kids by the way you look at them.

Proverbs 2012 says the hearing ear the seeing eye the Lord has made them both and outside of your mouth. Few things are more effective in communicating to your children than are your eyes, but can say to them I'm very disappointed in you, but they can also say I love you.

I'm so grateful for what God has done in your life. And I'm so grateful that God gave you to me so you can love them by the way you look at them. Number five you Love them by touching them. Please ask these three five says there's a time to embrace.

Can I be gender-specific for a moment here dads? You've been blessed with precious daughters in a good healthy way you hold them you hug them you kiss them you say why? Because God designed a little girl with a need for male affirmation and God designed that she would get it first and foremost from her daddy.

So in a good healthy way you hold her you hug her you kiss on her and you affirm her. Mothers I have some good Good news for you a few years ago. I discovered an amazing thing a teenage boy a Teenage boy will let his mother Kiss him in the morning when she takes him to school if she will just do it in the floorboard of the car.