Are Gentle Parents Bad Parents?

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Alright, Tim, the question for today's episode is, are gentle parents bad parents?

Definitely, man. There's no worse parent than a gentle parent. There's no worse parent.

If you're a parent and you've ever been gentle, just know you're a bad parent.

The worst parents are the gentlest parents. Maybe the question is slightly deceitful.

You know, I'm not specifically asking you about a parent who is gentle.

I'm asking more what I'm trying to get at here is, you know, the gentle parenting approach to raising a child.

Yeah, to parenting. Yeah, I mean, they're absolutely awful parents. The gentle parent.

The gentle parenting approach to parenting is basically not parenting. It's not parenting.

It's not parenting. So, why don't you define it for us? Because maybe, I don't know if everyone's going to know what we mean by gentle parenting in that approach.

So, why don't you define it for us? Yeah, so, I mean, gentle parenting is basically just a reaction to, you know, traditional biblical parenting, the traditional biblical expectations of what a parent actually is.

And what it is is it's packaged as a via media between, you know, what might be described as permissive parenting and then authoritarian parenting.

And so, gentle parenting is trying to, you know, basically react against what they perceive as abusive parenting or authoritarian parenting in that way.

And so, it's basically, it's the good middle ground between just laissez -faire permissive parenting and, you know, what they're describing as this harsh authoritative parenting in that way.

But then, here's a description of it. So, gentle parenting is a parenting style that emphasizes empathy.

You know, that should be a trigger there that something's gone wrong. But it emphasizes empathy, respect, understanding, and consistent boundaries.

It's an evidence -based approach that aims to raise confident, independent, note the word independent there, confident, independent, and happy children.

It's raising independent children. This doesn't sound like parenting to me.

But the approach does not have an official name, but it's the catch -all for variations such as respectful parenting, mindful parenting, and intentional parenting.

So, note this. Instead of correcting a child's behavior, the gentle parent acknowledges their feelings and motivations and sets firm boundaries, gives choices instead of orders, and eschews rewards, punishments, and threats.

Right? So, no rewards, punishments, or threats. You know, instead of correcting their behavior, you acknowledge their feelings.

Right? And so, gentle parenting focuses largely on age -appropriate development, just to give you an idea there.

So, yeah, it's basically just not parenting. It's not parenting. Man, if there's a lot of parents doing that, then the next generation's screwed.

They pretty much are, you know? I mean, like, golly, how are you going to…

It basically sounds like, just going off that description, it basically just sounds like, as a parent, you're trying to be the most, like, un -parent you can possibly be.

Like, you don't even want to be viewed as a parent. You want to be viewed as, like, a…

Guide or something like that. Like, you know, only. You know, I'm not saying there's not, like, a benefit to, like, you know, trying to build a close relationship with your kids.

That's not what I'm implying here. But then to say, like, hey, you know, so there's no, like,

I'm not going to tell you what to do. I'm just going to give you this choice here. And you tell me which one of these two are you going to pick.

It seems… Number one, it seems like you're trying to, as much as possible, like, abdicate your responsibility.

And then, you know, number two, it sounds like you're… It honestly sounds a little bit deceitful, too, if I'm being honest.

Because it's called parenting? Yeah. Well, not because they're calling it parenting, but basically it's like, hey,

I'm not trying to tell you what to do. But I am going to give you these two options, and you've got to pick one of these.

You know, or however many options it is. It's like, you can… I mean, it just seems like the illusion of choice at that point and not necessarily, like, a full -on independent kind of thing.

So it doesn't even sound like they're accomplishing what they're wanting to accomplish, in my mind. I mean, it's basically the parenting style of Satan, is what it is.

I mean, it is. Go on.

Go on. Please continue, Tim. It totally is. I mean, just think about it. Like, Satan was the ultimate boundary pusher, right?

So as God said. So God gives, like, Adam and Eve one command, essentially. Don't eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

Don't eat of this one tree. I mean, there's one boundary there. And, you know, Satan, his whole thing is he rejects any boundaries, right?

So there can't be any boundaries that are given there. So if you think through what's happening with that description in general, it says, instead of correcting a child's behavior, the gentle parent acknowledges their feelings and motivations.

They set firm boundaries, give choices instead of orders, and they excuse rewards, punishments, and threats.

So instead of issuing commands, the parent strives to understand why a child is acting out in the first place. So there's not going to be any commands, right?

So what you're trying to do is you're trying to guide them into decision -making as an independent child or something like that, right?

So the goal is just to have this child. You're trying to raise an independent child. And so some of it's self -contradictory, like in the sense of you're not allowed to give firm commands that you're expected to follow.

You're supposed to kind of acknowledge their feelings. But then you are supposed to set certain boundaries. But then presumably those boundaries are for yourself and not for the child itself, right?

Right, yeah. So you're setting boundaries like in terms of your own personal affection or whatever and related to you, but then with the child itself, you can't really give any commands.

You can't give any orders. If they don't like it, then you're going to have boundaries that you set with them between yourself.

But I mean this is essentially just the parenting style of Satan. It's just like, as God said, you can't give any commands.

Each person is viewed as autonomous, right? So each person is viewed as autonomous. Child is viewed as independent. Parents are viewed as independent in that way.

And then you're going to have to learn to coexist. Like essentially you could fill that adjective dripping off of the page as to what they're actually advocating there.

You have to kind of coexist some way, two independent people coexisting. I'm not going to be an authoritarian parent because that would be bad.

I'm going to be a gentle parent. And then my job is to basically be your therapist. The kind of therapy that undergirds this project essentially is the kind of therapy that just says that I'm responsible to validate your feelings.

Yeah. You are seen. You are heard. I get that you're mad at me because I'm not buying you that toy that you want.

And that anger is valid. It's valid. It's who you are. I understand it, right? And not only do

I understand it, I empathize with it. I feel mad with you, right? I'm mad at me too.

You are heard, you know? So basically what you're meant to do is you're meant to just kind of emote back at them, right?

So whatever emotions they feel, you let yourself get caught up in those emotions. You feel those with them.

You validate those emotions. You affirm those emotions. But what you can't do is give orders. You can't give instructions.

And you can't give rewards and punishment for good behavior and bad behavior because the whole thing, what I'm trying to say is this is the parenting style of Satan.

I mean, the whole thing is just like pure, there are no good, like you reward good behavior, you punish bad behavior, and this kind of framework, there's no good behavior, bad behavior.

You see what I mean? Yeah. Because there's no rules. There's no rules that you're allowed to set, like impose upon this other human being because everyone's autonomous.

And so, I mean, this is just essentially like Anton LaVey's evil is live spelled backwards.

It's just like meaning, like it's just case or else live, right? That's what we're talking about. And this is just not parenting.

You know, the Bible says folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but right of correction drives it far from them.

So this is just, in large measure, what you're talking about with gentle parenting is a reaction to spanking. You're talking about a reaction to authoritarian parenting in that way where, you know, in this way the parent is basically the ultimate mother, right, who will unconditionally love you and affirm you in every single feeling that you have, and not only affirm you but identify with that in that way.

But then there's, you know, if you're going to abuse the parent, there's boundaries, right? I'm going to withdraw my affection from you and everything else, but yeah.

Yeah, it just, you know, as you describe it, you know, you're listing this, you know, point after point after point about it.

And I was just sitting here thinking like, man, so much of this sounds like the exact opposite of how

God, our Heavenly Father, you know, interacts with us, His adopted children through Christ.

You know, so like for example, the verse that you brought up earlier about, you know, like the rod of discipline.

And there's several passages in the Proverbs about, you know, fathers actually, you know, physically spanking their children or beating them with a rod as a form of punishment for their wrongdoing, right?

Not to like take out their anger on their child, but instead to teach them right from wrong, right?

And, you know, that you've got that, you have the whole like, don't, you know, don't reward with gentle parenting.

You know, you don't reward the good behavior. You don't punish the bad behavior. That's like the, that's the total opposite of God.

God oftentimes rewards the good behavior and oftentimes, you know, provides discipline for the bad behavior as well.

I mean, you know, that's why the Bible says that, you know, a loving father disciplines his children and the

Bible calls God a loving father and tells us that He disciplines us because He loves us.

So, it seems like, you know, subscribing to this gentle parenting style, you know, of quote -unquote parenting.

I don't even know if you can really call it parenting. It's basically, it seems like it's basically a declaration that like, hey,

I think I can be a better parent than God. And so, I'm going to do it, do it the total opposite of God altogether.

Yeah. So, yeah, I think a lot of it is, you know, as you read through the Bible, you'll see that God disciplines us as sons, right?

So, God loves us as sons and that means He's not going to withhold discipline from us. So, the whole framework is off,

I mean, the way that God works towards us is He obviously gives Adam and Eve commands, right? He gives us commands.

If you love me, I will keep my commandments. So, God is like in their minds, He's the authoritarian kind of type, right?

Yeah. It's just a different view of God. So, God gives us commands and then not only does He give us commands, He gives us rewards and punishments for failing to keep those commands.

So, don't lay up for yourself treasures on earth where moth and rust destroy, but lay up for yourself treasures in heaven where, you know, thieves do not break in and steal and everything else.

And so, where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. God gives us rewards for good behavior, punishments for bad behaviors.

And so, everything about like the way that God relates to us is viewed through this lens of like authoritarianism and just being bad, right?

So, not only just like the rewards and punishments, the commands, and then just the discipline itself taking on the form of corrective discipline, not just formative discipline, but corrective discipline.

You know, basically, they just have a problem with God. And this is just, I mean, the assumption that undergirds it is the assumption of human autonomy, right?

So, one human being doesn't have the right to tell another human being what to do and to give clear orders. And so, instead of punishing your child, you simply try to remove them from the situation or, you know, talk them off the ledge or try to coach them into a better path and, you know, try to give them tips and try to give them advice.

But I mean, whatever it is, it's just it's parenting without teeth. And it's not even,

I mean, it's not even parenting. It's just kind of like… Pete Yeah, it sounds like a strategy someone who has never interacted with a child would come up with.

Jared Right. Well, I mean, this is essentially what… Basically, this is kind of the kind of strategy that someone will come up and maybe that works in a daycare or something like that where you're not really allowed to…

You have to watch kids and you have to kind of negotiate with them because you're, you know, you can get sued if you…

Like there's no real anything you can do at that point, right? Except for just kind of become their therapist and try to validate what they're feeling, you know, in that way.

But yeah, this is doomed to failure. Pete Fair enough.

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