TLP 440: Is It a Sin to Yell at Your Kids?

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And now we've made full circle.

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I've led you through this journey, not so that you would have a definite answer from me on the subject, but so that you could learn to find

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God's answer for you and your family. Welcome to Truth.

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Love. Parents. Where we use God's Word to become intentional, premeditated parents.

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Here's your host, A .M. Brewster. Did you know the Bible has a lot to say about people who yell?

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That really shouldn't surprise us if we believe the Bible is sufficient to speak into every question a human can have.

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But sometimes I think we don't really see the Bible as having everything we need for life and godliness because it's not the first place we check when there's a question in our lives.

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Well, today we're going to break that cycle and we're going to see what God has to say about yelling. But before we do that,

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I'd like to remind you that Truth. Love. Parents is a 501c3 nonprofit. That means that when it comes to getting the money necessary to pay the bills and create new content, we're in a pickle because we don't really have a way to make the funds.

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Instead, we rely on sacrificial donors. We call these donors our TLP friends, and I invite you to click on the

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TLP friend link in the description of this episode so you can learn more about how to support Truth. Love. Parents as we glorify

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God by equipping families to be everything He called and created them to be. And while you're at TruthLoveParent .com,

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don't forget to download today's episode notes and access our other free biblical parenting content. Now before we jump into our content today,

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I want to give you an update on our summer project. As always happens, we're running into some snags.

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The building we were hoping to turn into our studio and potential counseling slash conference space is not quite panning out, but we're not letting that get us down.

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We're still looking and moving in that direction. For now, though, we're considering location shoots for the videos we want to produce this summer.

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So please pray along with Team TLP and me as we wisely identify the videos we need to create first and the best locations to shoot them.

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And with that, let's talk about family shouting. Let me start off by informing you that this is not going to be a show that tries to justify yelling and screaming at your children.

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But let me also say that this is not going to be a show that advocates parental inside voices at all times.

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I believe there are people who yell at their kids for very wrong reasons, but I also believe there are people who don't yell at their kids for very wrong reasons.

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And today we're going to really plunge into the scriptures to reveal and hopefully answer this tension. And while we do it, we're going to exercise a very important life skill.

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It's called applying the Bible to ourselves. Episode 42 was about applying truth to your children's lives.

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But how do we expect to be able to apply God's Word to them if we can't apply it to us first?

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Listen, I know you've yelled at your kids. I have too. But have you ever stopped to consider whether an ambassador parent should do that?

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And others of you may have managed to never raise your voice, but I need to ask you the same question. Should an ambassador parent do that?

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And I'm not talking about whether or not it's socially or culturally acceptable. If we're first followers of Christ and functioning as his ambassadors in our homes, we better know for certain how

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God wants us talking to our kids. And that includes whether I should raise my voice or not. Now hopefully your mind is scanning through passages, trying to see if there's any verse or principle that supports your actions.

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And that's good because today we're going to look at some biblical commands, principles, and illustrations that will ultimately be your responsibility to apply to your parenting.

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So let's get started by laying a very vital groundwork. Number one, we cannot hope to know the mind of God if we go to his

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Word with preconceived notions. Let the Bible speak for itself. Number two, we cannot hope to know the mind of God if we go to his

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Word with an ax to grind. I know you may have already have an arsenal of passages ready to refute whatever

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I may present. I recommend you don't do that. Let's start from scratch and let the Bible instruct us today.

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Others of you may be tempted to take notes on today's episode, hoping you can use them as ammunition against your spouse to validate your responses to the kids.

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Again, let God speak to you today about how he wants you to parent. Three, apply a biblical hermeneutic as we discuss this.

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I know that's a 50 cent word. Hermeneutics is something we all do when we read the Bible because it has to do with how we interpret the

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Bible. Let me give you an example. Deuteronomy 28 .6 says, Recently, a lesbian pastor,

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I know that's a paradox right there, she used this verse to suggest that God would bless her for, quote, coming out to her congregation.

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That interpretation, my friends, can only come from a seriously unbiblical hermeneutic. And number four, since there are no direct commands concerning the issue we're going to discuss today, please understand that some of the conclusions you come to about the topic of parental voice raising will not be gospel truth.

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That means you should be very careful judging another person for parenting differently than you. Let me explain.

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Some people like to use the following words to describe how they apply God's word to their lives. The words are as follows, commands, principles, convictions, standards, preferences, and hangups.

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Let's start with the first one. Commands are clear biblical mandates. They don't change and you have to do them.

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For example, don't provoke your children to anger. Number two, principles are generally drawn from examples.

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For example, reprove a wise man and he will love you. This verse doesn't command us to love people who reprove us, but the principle is clear.

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Now, commands and principles come directly from the Bible, but the rest of the list is how we apply those commands and principles.

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The third one is convictions. These are personally held beliefs that you base on biblical commands and principles.

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God tells us not to provoke our kids. And then undoubtedly someone out there believes that criticizing their child's weight could be provocative.

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That would be an example of a belief that's extrapolated from a biblical truth. It's their conviction.

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So number four, based off of that, they create a standard to live by. Standards are rules that we create to help us keep our convictions.

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So this person decides that they will never say anything negative about their child's weight. They will only speak in positive terms or let their doctors handle it.

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Now remember, God doesn't tell us to do this, but someone may feel convicted about it, so they create a standard.

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Often this happens when we mix our feelings and personal experiences into our interpretation of God's word.

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People who refuse to speak negatively about their children's weight often had negative experiences when they were young. Now before I continue,

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I want you to know that I personally do not have this conviction. In fact, I have the conviction that it would be very unwise not to be frank with my child about their weight.

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But that's my conviction I've come to by using biblical principles as well. My personal conviction isn't stated in scripture either.

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The fifth word we heard was preferences. These are just things that we believe please God but have no biblical basis.

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For example, I prefer not to shop at Target. That would be a preference. And then six are what we call hangups.

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Basically they're the negative version of preferences. They're things that we believe very strongly, even though we have no biblical basis for it, but which also get in the way of clear biblical commands or we allow to hinder our relationships with others.

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Anytime a personal preference causes us to disobey clear commands or principles, we have a serious problem and that hangup should be gotten rid of.

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Now the Pharisees got themselves into trouble not when they developed standards to keep them away from sin, but when they told everyone else that God wanted them to keep the

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Pharisee standards as well. So as we discuss this topic, please use the biblical principles we study to develop grounded convictions and standards, but don't allow your convictions to cause you to judge someone else for not following your standards.

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So with that massive groundwork laid, here we go. What are some biblical principles, commands, and illustrations that could be applied to this topic?

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Well, let's start with some just the clear commands. We're going to go through these quickly and I'm going to spit out a lot of references.

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So please just follow the train of thought and you can always download the free episode notes PDF, which is linked in the description.

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All right, number one, the first command that relates to yelling is this, be in control. Titus 2, 1 through 8 tells older men and younger, older women, younger women and younger men to have self -control.

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Proverbs 4 .23 commands us to guard our minds. And Ephesians 5 .18 reveals that the only way to have true

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Christ honoring self -control is ultimately to be controlled by the Holy Spirit himself. You can't have godly self -control if you're not submitted to God and his will.

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Yelling that is a result of a loss of self -control is always going to be a sin. The second command is be loving.

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There are over 300 passages I could reference, but I'm going to remind you of our theme verse, Ephesians 4 .15,

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speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head into Christ.

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Listen, it doesn't matter if you're screaming or giving the silent treatment. If it's on loving, it's a sin.

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Number three, of course, everyone knew this one was going to be coming, be angry without sin.

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A few verses after our theme verse tells us to speak always in love, we see the admonition in verse 26 to be angry and do not sin.

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This passage has given many people trouble because they often look at it in a vacuum. How can you be angry but not sin?

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Doesn't the Bible condemn anger in other passages? The key lies in our first point. When we lack self -control, our anger is nearly always motivated by sinful desires.

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It's not founded in God's holiness and love. Now, that may sound confusing, but I believe it'll make more sense later.

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And since it's so easy to be angry for the wrong reasons, we have Proverbs 22, 24, and 29, 22, and Colossians 3, 8, and just to name a few, that prohibit sinful anger and command us to just throw it away from us.

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Regardless, we can know for certain that if our blowing up or our clamming up is motivated by selfish desires, neither of them glorifies

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God. But for now, keep in mind, anger itself is not always inherently sinful.

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And number three, there's another command people like to apply to raising our voices, and it's this, be gentle.

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Colossians 3, 12 says, put on then, as God's chosen ones, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness.

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Later in Colossians 4, 6, we read, let your speech always be gracious. Let's start with the first verse.

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How could we ever be considered compassionate, kind, humble, meek, or patient if we're raising our voices? Well, as we're going to see in a few minutes, individuals who perfectly fit that description have in fact yelled at people.

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Our misunderstanding of these words relates really to just definitions. Compassion is most closely related to emotional longings and desires.

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Kindness is most often defined as moral goodness and integrity. Humility is giving proper place to God, others, and ourselves.

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And meekness is similar to humility, but it also carries with it the idea of strength under control. And really, these are just as difficult as the term translated graciousness in Colossians 4, 6.

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That one has the idea, kind of that of which affords grace, goodwill, and loving kindness and favor.

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Again, I believe this will all become much clearer in a few minutes. But for now, we know for certain that if we raise our voice or speak quietly in an uncompassionate, unkind, prideful, impatient, ungracious way, we know that we're sinning.

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The next command is, be patient. Galatians 5 .22 tells us that patience and long -suffering are fruit of the

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Spirit. And Ephesians 4 .2 tells us that our calling is to be humble and gentle with patience bearing with one another.

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Responding to people out of impatience is a sin regardless of the decibel.

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Okay, you're hanging on with me. We're on number five and there are just two commands left. The next is, be peaceful. In Mark 9 .50,

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Jesus tells us to be at peace with one another. In Matthew 5, Christ teaches us that we are blessed if we're peacemakers.

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In Romans 12 .18 and 14 .19, Paul tells us that being peaceful is so important that we should pursue it if it's even remotely possible.

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So, if we're yelling or silent, but our motivation is to divide, we're likely sinning.

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And the sixth one, and of course, there are many other commands that we could easily weigh in on today's discussion, but I'm going to end with this command, to be joyful.

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The fruit of the Spirit is a memorable passage where we're commanded to have joy. If you're not joyful, you shouldn't be speaking at all, no matter the volume.

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All right, so those are the commands, now let's look at some biblical principles. Remember, principles are not commands, but they provide information that gives us boundaries within which to live.

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For example, Proverbs 15 .1 informs us that a soft answer turns away wrath. Proverbs 29 .11

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explains that only a fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.

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And Proverbs 17 .19 reveals that whoever loves transgression loves strife. The, of course, the don't yell at your kids side of the debate is silently rejoicing right now.

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Though these verses don't contain commands, it's clear that strife is avoided when we don't sin by foolishly letting out our mouths run, but instead use a soft answer.

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But there's another interesting principle in the Bible. I call it the principle of divine shouting.

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And there are five more main categories under this principle. There's shouting in joy. And there are so many verses that deal with this, but I just want to quickly look at an extensive list in the

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Psalms. I was actually going to sit here and just name off, read like the 10 times that this shows up in the

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Psalms, but you can check it out on the PDF notes. It's scattered all throughout the Psalms. And we read the words, shout for joy repeatedly.

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I also love Ezra 3 .13, referring to the people of Israel, praising the Lord. It says, quote, the people shouted with a great shout and the sound was heard far away.

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Unquote. So there's shouting in joy, but there's also shouting in triumph. This is similar to the first, but it's unique in that it's motivated by overcoming something or someone.

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Twice in Psalms, in 68 and in 108 .9, we read, Moab is my washbasin, upon Edom I cast my shoe, over Philistine I shout in triumph.

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And who's saying these words? Interestingly enough, God is. Being able to shout in triumph often follows shouting in war.

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I love the historical accounts of Joshua and Gideon. Their amazing accounts with so much to learn. But both of these men led armies into humanly impossible situations where they were commanded by God to have their armies, among other things, yell as loud as they could.

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And if you and I were facing an impossible battle, we may be tempted to participate in this fourth category of yelling.

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It's called shouting in prayer. The phrase cried to the Lord appears throughout the

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Bible over 30 times. I love the prayer Stephen offered as he was being stoned to death.

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In Acts 7 .60, it reads, quote, And falling to his knees, he cried out with a loud voice,

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Lord, do not hold this sin against them. Even Jesus cried out in prayer to his

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Father from the cross. Why have you forsaken me? He pleaded. That was in Mark 15 .14.

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Of course, our word cry has a couple meanings, but this word in the Greek is the same word used to describe the crowds who were crying out, crucify him.

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And the last category of divine shouting is shouting in preaching. Twice in the book of John, in 7 .37

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and 12 .44, Christ cries out to the people to believe in him. There are so many other verses

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I could have added to this list, so I encourage you to get online or use a good Bible app like Olive Tree and just search the word shout, cry, and cried.

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It's not a word search many people do, but it will open many of your eyes. But the point is this, based off the above principles, we have an important realization.

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Sometimes God commands us to yell, and sometimes he commands us not to. Lastly, I want to consider just one biblical illustration.

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You've been so patient with me, and I want to respect your time. I think the commands and principles we've seen will fit together perfectly in this passage.

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And when we're done, we should have at least a good start to know for sure whether our yelling glorifies

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God or not. Here's the illustration. In Matthew 21, Mark 11,

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Luke 19, and John 2, we see a staggering incident. Let me read for you

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John 2, 13 through 17. It'll be very familiar to some of you. The Passover of the

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Jews was at hand, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. In the temple, he found those who were selling oxen and sheep and pigeon and the moneychangers sitting there.

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And making a whip of cords, he drove them out of the temple with the sheep and oxen.

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And he poured out the coins of the moneychangers and turned their tables. And he told those who sold pigeons, take these things away.

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Do not make my father's house a house of trade. His disciples remembered that it was written, zeal for your house will consume me.

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I know many of you are familiar with this scene. The Messiah, Jesus, God himself, just made a whip and used it to drive the animals and people out of the temple.

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He's physically turned over tables and threw money on the floor. And though the word told has many possible meanings, it can refer to a haranguing, which is a forceful or angry speech.

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Now, many people do not like this picture of the Savior. It rarely shows up in movies or Easter plays.

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It seems almost at odds for the meek and mild servant lamb of God. But I believe this account is recorded in all four

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Gospels for a number of reasons. By the way, Jesus's miraculous birth wasn't even recorded in all four

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Gospels. But this incident was. This passage shows us exactly what

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God means by be angry, but do not sin. Is it ever appropriate to get angry with your children?

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Is it ever appropriate to yell? Well, in order to answer those questions, we must ask ourselves these questions.

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Why are you angry? If I'm angry, it must be motivated by the same zeal that Christ had for his

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Father's temple. It must never be motivated by annoyance, impatience, or a lack of self -control.

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As we saw earlier with the commands, it's so simple. We know that we're sinning if our yelling is motivated by a lack of love or impatience or unkindness.

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But the second question we have to ask is this, why are you yelling? There are very appropriate times to raise our voices.

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For example, is a car careening toward your out -of -reach child? But beyond that,

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I've had to develop some personal standards based off my own study of Scripture, and I believe that there is only one time that's appropriate for me to raise my voice when talking to somebody in a situation that would not be considered an emergency.

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If you haven't listened to episode 38, or don't remember what The Communication House is, what I'm about to say may confuse you a bit.

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But just listen to that show and it'll make sense. If my child has stepped outside The Communication House, and I've quietly tried to coax him back in with God's truth and God's love for God's glory, but the conversation escalates to a point where there are only two options left,

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I will occasionally go with option one, and sometimes I'll decide to move straight to option two.

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Option two is the discussion just needs to be tabled and the child given time to calm down.

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However, sometimes I've found that, like Jesus in the temple, you can kind of startle people back into their senses.

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Jesus could have gone into the temple and preached or yelled all he wanted, but he went all out, including personally making a whip for the occasion.

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In my counseling or in my parenting, when I'm dealing with a person who has refused to communicate in the house, and they've just now started yelling and screaming and tirading and spouting all types of nonsense,

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I sometimes will raise my voice and intensify, and intensity to match theirs, simply an attempt to bring them back down.

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Not out of annoyance, not because I'm mad at them or I want to hurt them, but simply to, in a way, kind of shock them back into reality so they see what they're doing.

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It's amazing how sometimes someone can be screaming and yelling and they think that they're completely right to be doing so.

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But the moment you raise their voice, your voice, they're sitting there kind of like, whoa, what just happened? Listen, we've discussed in episode 37 that when a child is being a terrorist, we're engaging in a spiritual war.

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If a controlled, loving war shout awakens their senses and allows them to cease their sinful tirade long enough for the truth,

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I'm speaking to pierce their hearts and drive them to a willing submission to God, that will be warrant for a shout of joy to God later.

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But listen, we must be diligent. I can't stress this enough. Too many of us have made it a habit of yelling when we're selfishly angry.

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Every time we raise our voice, we're sinning against God because we're just doing it out of annoyance or frustration.

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Now, for people like that, it will take much repentance, growth, and time before I would ever recommend you try this tactic of kind of the war shout mentality.

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And yes, I will also admit that there are many other ways to quiet a terrorist. Some of them just involve being quiet yourself.

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Someone's screaming and yelling and carrying on and you just sit there quietly speaking in very controlled, hushed tones.

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Sometimes they have to just quiet down to listen. There are other ways. And at this point, we've made full circle.

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As I said before, I'm not saying you must or you must not ever raise your voice to your children during an argument.

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I just led you through this journey, not so that you would have a definite answer from me on the subject, but so that you can learn to find

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God's answer for you and your family on this subject. Truth.

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Love. Parents is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent.

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Join us next time as we search God's Word for the truth your family needs today.