Is Grounding Your Children a Biblical Punishment?

The Danger of Isolating Children as Punishment

The idea of just like sticking them in a room by themselves in functional prison or whatever as a form of punishment like the issue is they. You're just feeding their sin.

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Ephesians 4:26 and the Need for Quick Reconciliation

Welcome to Bible bash where we aim to equip the Saints for the works of ministry by answering the questions. You're not allowed to ask. We're your host Harrison Kerrigan pastor Tim Mullett and today. We'll answer the age-old question Is grounding your children a biblical punishment now.

Tim as we kick this episode off and and discuss grounding and and as a Punishment for children what Bible verse do you have to sort of set up the conversation for us?

Sure. Yeah, Ephesians 4 26 says be angry and do not sin. Do not let the Sun go down your anger.

Okay. So so how does that apply to? This discussion around grounding your children. Yeah, I mean I was trying to think about what kind of verses to bring up as it relates.

To this topic, but in general Grounding there's there's plenty of forms of grounding and grounding often is a type of disciplinary action which essentially results in delaying reconciliation. So there's a lot of bad things that happen when you delay reconciliation.

So that's a good verse, you know, don't let the Sun go down your anger meaning you need to Give no opportunity for the devil to be at work and be reconciled quickly with your accuser and all that.

Okay. So the assumption then there is that grounding, you know, you're essentially there. There's not reconciliation yet until the. Like the period the grounding period is over and and so because that's not Over until the very end of it.

Typically if you're gonna ground a child, it's gonna last longer than a day and so. You're essentially you're as a parent. You're essentially letting Letting unresolved sin go on. Is that what you're saying?

Yeah.

What Grounding Is and Why Isolation Is Problematic

I mean, so a lot of this depends on what we're even talking about when we're talking about what grounding is so it may be right helpful to read a definition of grounding in order to get an idea for. The variety of things that can fall under this heading, but you know, yeah, yeah as you think about grounding.

In general, this is just just a short description of grounding. So grounding is a disciplinary technique used by parents and guardians to manage their children's behavior. It well, so notice that. So it is something that Bible never mentions.

Okay, like it at least in a direct way. Okay, but it is a. You know a disciplinary technique used to manage children's behavior. It typically involves restricting the child's freedoms or privileges as a consequence of their misbehavior.

This can include confining the child to their home limiting social interactions taking away access to electronic devices. Entertainment or other activities they enjoy. The aim of grounding is to teach children responsibility and self-discipline to encourage better decision-making in the future.

It's often used as punishment for breaking rules exhibiting disrespectful behavior or engaging in activities deemed appropriate by their caregivers. So again this framework, I mean. You have like the concept of grounding and then like a timeout or something like that.

You know, all those things are, you know falling under similar kind of categories, but basically you just like. One typical grounding scenario is basically just to say hey, yeah, you know, you're stuck in the house.

You're stuck in your room. Can't go anywhere. Can't talk to anyone. You know, you're you're you're in the doghouse basically for a while. Yeah, it's that kind of thing to where yeah, I I mean, I think some of that in there is fine, but then.

In general grounding is questionable.

So when you say some of that is fine. Do you mean like hey, it might be one thing to say Hey, you're grounded from your phone. For example for a week or something like that as opposed to like hey, you're grounded.

You're grounded. You can't leave your room. We're not gonna see you, you know, unless like I guess we're eating a meal together, you know. Or we're going to church or something, you know, something like that other otherwise you're gonna be in your room alone For X amount of time.

Are you. Is that what you're thinking of when you're yeah.

I mean, it's so like if if you're just simply taking away Video games from the child or something along those lines as a result of bad behavior. Then I mean I think that's largely neutral and but then I do question the implement Implementation that many parents use when they're even talking about this kind of thing.

So there's a wide variety of problems with the way in which this is carried out in general. But something like yeah. All right. Taking away privileges that certainly part of that's certainly a tool on a parent's arsenal.

Part of the problem is that when you're isolating children. Isolating people for long periods of time away from you know, other people away from the family away from social interactions that kind of stuff I mean all you're doing is you're confining them to their prison, right?

Yeah and letting them stew, you know on their bitterness like so like what you're what what often happens in these kind of situations is you're just Isolating a child making their life miserable functionally.

I mean it is like, you know, treating them like they're in prison or something like that.

Restricting their you know access to people and and all that. But the put the orange jumpsuit on yeah. Yeah, now all you're eating is gruel. Yeah, I mean there's a sense in which there's you know, biblical.

Reconciliation ought to be a very quick thing. It's not like a hey, you're you know, I'm mad at you go away. Right that kind of thing like I'm mad at you. You're I we're gonna isolate ourself and you from everyone else so that you can appropriately feel your punishment or something along those lines.

I mean that that is the opposite of pursuing quick reconciliation and In what you're doing is you're giving the devil an opportunity to stir up within that child's heart. You know a lot of feelings of bitterness and frustration and everything else.

So yeah, I think that There that's a general problem with grounding. In the way that it's carried out in particular is the idea of like isolating the child from people now I mean like if they're like the issue is I mean if they're if their friends are irresponsible.

Like Making them take a week from those particular friends isn't necessarily a wonderful solution. Anyways, do you understand what I mean?

Well explain that. Explain it a little more. Well, I mean if it's like a bad friend, it's a bad friend.

You know the Proverbs has a lot to say about your friendships, but then taking a break, you know.

And implying like hey eventually you can go back to your bad friends is that. This week this week away from your prison friends oughta oughta do the trick.

Every time you go hang out with those friends you guys end up smoking weed, you know. But so they're not good influence on you. So, you know, you're not gonna be able to see him for a month that this is how you're gonna behave.

It's like well, I don't really know that's the answer To this particular problem like in that way, you know, so so part of us along those lines I mean, I think the idea of taking away privilege like taking away their privileges when this is carried out like in real life.

It often gets really weird and really arbitrary really quickly meaning meaning like they're good punishment shouldn't be. Just these fits of anger that a parent has to where they just randomly assign some sort of arbitrary number.

If that makes sense. Yeah, like yeah. All right. Well now I'm really mad so a lot of what's happening is the parent is mad and they're just trying to Think of some vindictive way to get at their kid or something, right and it can be entirely arbitrary.

I mean like the kid may have no idea like how. What the number is gonna be this time and most of the time the numbers are so unrealistic and ridiculous and stupid Anyways that the parent will end up caving on it.

Anyways, if that makes sense.

So it's yeah because they're so hard to they're so hard to enforce and you you made it a rash decision. Yeah in the heat of the moment kind of thing. Yeah, you made a rash decision in the heat of the moment.

It's like, okay. Yeah, you're gonna be grounded from video games for six months, you know, and then the kids like yeah, whatever.

You know, I hate you, you know, sure. Sure. Yeah, definitely. I'm definitely grounded for six months. You know to be you know to be fully transparent. I mean, I there were plenty of times where you know, I would I would get grounded for something and then just you know.

Because I was a heathen and I wasn't you know, I wasn't a Christian. I wasn't saved I didn't really care and I would just sneak, you know sneak behind my parents back and and Just do the things I was grounded from anyway, and then a lot.

So I said I was even more disobedient. You know, I was even more disobedient and then my and then some, you know, sometimes my parents would find out and it would be like Well.

That's over I guess. Yeah, so I think in general when you're thinking about punishments that you're going to enforce. They don't need to be arbitrary. They don't need to be reactionary. They don't need to be vindictive, right?

They don't need to be vindictive. They need to be enforceable like so the whole point of a punishment is that you're going to actually enforce it. And you're gonna remember what it is. You know, so just signing assigning these arbitrary numbers, I mean it just like no one even knows like you don't even remember what.

The parent who does this kind of thing typically doesn't even remember that they did it. So so I mean in general and that's just the best way to Provoke your children to anger. It's just to in a fit of anger.

You know a sign up like some sort of punishment. That's just like way over the top, right? My punishment doesn't fit the crime or whatever way over the top is purely vindictive it's purely meant to punish them like it's just you know, probably often given in anger and Then impossible to enforce.

I mean so a lot of that is just characteristic of the grounding phenomenon, right? So yeah, so and then you're grounded for a month.

As you scream at the top of your lungs what the what the punishment will be?

Yeah, that is the stereotypical way this thing goes down, right? Typical way it goes down as you're grounded for a month and then you know, maybe about a week later. It's like hey, can I go back to the thing now?

I guess you feel bad enough, you know. Hey, so, you know or no, you know you ask again, you're gonna get grounded for two months, you know. And then you know and then generally it just like it goes on and on and on it's like you're grounded for six months now.

What did we say last time, you know, you know, yeah, and then and then it gets so unenforceable that it's like it's just over.

Biblical Punishment Should Be Reasonable, Enforceable, and Clear

Yeah. Yeah. So I mean, yeah, the nature of biblical punishments are that they need to like they need to be reasonable. They don't need to be vindictive. They need to be enforced. Whatever you say, you're gonna punish them.

You need to do right? I mean you can make a foolish vow like Jephthah or whatever and then if you do you need to recant and repent or whatever. Else, but I mean in general what you need to enforce what you say.

Yeah, it shouldn't just be some arbitrary thing. If the child should have some sort of understanding of what the rules are anyways, if that makes sense. Mm-hmm. Yeah, like meaning they should they should they should have an indication of what is going to happen.

They do certain things. It shouldn't just come out of your mind in a fit of anger or something. So, you know, those are all things that are features of You know biblical parenting in general and I mean I just think that isolating a child like sticking them in the room so they can sit there and think about it or something like that all that does is just Delay reconciliation treat them like a prisoner and you're given the devil opportunity to you know, plant a seed of bitterness in that child's heart.

So it's gonna be difficult to overcome for sure. So in your mind, is there any difference between a Grounding where you're saying hey, like, you know, you're not gonna leave your room For the next week unless it's for school or for eating or for chores what you know, whatever the exceptions are.

Is there a difference in your mind between that and you know, Say you have a child that is just totally Like there's no they're so overwhelmed with anger Or you know, like they're just they're just totally losing it.

There's no talking to them right now is Sending that child, you know to their room for a few minutes to calm down and Just like removing them from the situation For the purpose of being able to go and sit down and talk to them and explain, you know.

Explain the situation. Are those are those different in your mind or those the same scenario, you know the grounding for the week versus the Removing you from the situation because there's no. There's no getting through to you right now in the current state you're in.

Yeah, I mean if you're there.

I mean things have gone, you know, probably gotten pretty far down the road. Right. Yeah, like if you if that's where you are. You've you know. Probably failed at a lot of areas of parenting in general to where I mean that kind of thing really should be a last resort.

Kind of tactic to use anyways, but yeah I mean, I think the in the first instance. Like the issue is this is a human being created the image of God and the Bible says it's not good for man to be alone.

Like he has a responsibility, you know. He or she has responsibilities to other people. And like the idea of just like sticking them in a room by themself in functional prison or whatever as a form of punishment like the issue is a.

You're just feeding their sin, right? Like you're you're causing them to sin by isolating. Like, you know. The Proverbs says that one who isolates himself seeks his own desire, right? So like the so part of it's that like they have responsibilities to other people that you can't just Get rid of.

Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah, like so like like hey, I'm gonna make you sit by yourself for a while. It's like well, they need to be an other centered human being anyway. They don't need to be a self-centered.

So I I could think of very few situations where that is ever gonna make any kind of sense at all whatsoever. Just to cut off all their access to the outside world or something like that's. That's not really the answer.

Okay, but then you know if you're in a fit of rage or something. Hey, you need to go. You need to go and pray about what's happening right now. And now like you can say that in a very calm way with the intention of coming in there and giving them a short period of time to go pray and Then come back in there to re-engage.

But that's very different than what's what most people are doing when they're grounding like that. That's not what's happening.

Right. Yeah, the purpose of the hey step away from the situation pray. Take a few minutes. That's all you know, and then like we're gonna come back together So that we can talk about this fix it and fix it the whole the whole point of that is Reconciliation.

You're just telling them to remove themselves from the situation temporarily. Because there's no there is no reconciliation because they can't even listen to what's being said, right?

Right. So I mean that that's those are two different things. But then the whole idea of doing something like that would be hey, you need to go pray and I'm gonna go pray, right? Right. Yeah, so you need to pray.

I'm gonna pray. And then we're gonna come we're gonna talk about this again. Because like the idea is we don't want to let the Sun go down in our wrath, right? Right. We need to quickly reconcile this because this is not a good situation and this is you know Totally unacceptable in that way.

But I mean like in the worst kind of case I mean you have the parents who were sending the child to the room for a week while they have all their stuff in there. Alright fine, I'll go to my room. Don't want to be around you anyways, you know, so I mean that's.

You could because shooting yourself in the foot, right? Yeah.

I mean if you want to create like a moody teen who doesn't like social interactions and doesn't want to be around anyone. It's just totally self like the foot, you know. When who isolates himself seeks their own desire well I mean if you train them to isolate themselves and learn to it's easier to be by themselves than around other people because.

You know other people are difficult then don't be surprised of what you get for sure.

Is Grounding Abusive, or Just Bad Parenting?

So do you think I'm gonna ask you this question and I want you to take it very seriously Tim. Is it abusive to ground your children. Remember you take take this seriously, this is serious Tim. Yeah, I have no idea what that word means.

So.

Yeah, I mean I I. It's bad. It's bad parenting, you know, it's definitely I think is just it certainly is destructive to a child's Sanctification to do that, you know. So you're leading a hindrance? Yeah, you're leading him into all sorts of sin by doing that kind of thing now I mean, you know if we're just using grounding in the sense of like hey taking away privileges or whatever else like simple privileges not just like this Isolate and in prison kind of thing long term and an art was setting arbitrary limits and all that.

I think there's some you know, there's obviously you. There's obviously I think some sort of biblical use of that kind of thing to say. Hey, yeah. Well, I take away privileges, but it shouldn't be a reactionary way.

It shouldn't be way out of proportion. It shouldn't be done in anger and emotion in the non-enforceable way. But then you know in general, I mean, I think it's a little bit better. Let them earn privileges instead of just arbitrarily Ban them sent from certain, you know privileges for undisclosed amount, you know.

Undetermined or indeterminate amounts of time or something along those lines.

God's Discipline, Israel's Exile, and Earned Privileges

Yeah, it seems like I mean, it seems like God did that with you know with the Israelites in the Old Testament, you know like I mean he you know He exiled them from the promised land a couple of different times and then brought them back eventually and You know obviously like with the Israelites when they left Egypt they he revoked certain You know, he had he had given he had promised that he would you know, allow them to enter the land but then It wasn't You know the people who the Israelites who left Egypt that got to inherit the promised land.

But it was our children that got to inherit it, right? And so it's neat. And then there's a lot of you know, there's a lot of other examples along the way in the Old Testament where It seems like God is is taking away these sort, you know I don't know if I've ever heard anyone call them, you know, the Israelites privileges, but then he's taking away certain Gifts and things that he has given to them prosperity and wealth certainly peace.

You know and given them like war and pestilence as punishments from time to time. But then the dip but then the difference with God is you know, obviously he's not doing that He's not doing any of this in like an uncalculated Uncontrolled Emotional way, right?

He's he's doing it in the perfectly just way. Is that yeah. Yeah. Am I looking at all that, right?

Yeah, there's definitely blessings and cursings that come from disobedience. Obedience and disobedience within you know, the context of the Bible and that way and you know God will chase in those whom he loves.

So I mean he'll often, you know, give them trials. Circumstances and all that, you know, so all those things are certainly true and it's not done in some capricious way. It's not done in some, you know fit of anger or fit of rage or you know in anything along those lines.

I mean in general, I mean if there are things that they're doing that are destructive, right? If there are things that they're doing that are destructive then I mean I think it's better to like let them earn certain privileges and you know.

Certainly like the more responsibility they show the more privileges they get. Okay. So, I mean, I think like the idea is like if you can imagine the seesaw analogy and in general. Like just imagine like a parent and a child standing on the opposite on the opposite sides of a seesaw.

But when they're little you're both standing, you know at the very base of that seesaw holding hands or whatever, right? So there's no freedom. There's no responsibility there. You're right there with dad mom.

But then as you back, you know as they get older you should be backing up a little bit on the seesaw or whatever. And giving them more freedom like freedom distance responsibility, right privileges. But then when they break trust then you step back in closer and remove some of those, you know, freedom responsibility.

Improvisation but like the issue is you're gonna let them earn it back, right? Like because the idea is you want them at the end of the seesaw and then when they're growing up when they're grown up. To get off, right?

Like Yeah, it's time to quit playing with seesaws. You're 32.

So, I mean the idea is like what you what you're trying to do is yeah I mean when you violate trust and you know, you lose some privileges and you lose some responsibility. Yeah, okay, because you've shown yourself to be untrustworthy.

But the issue is like you you don't want to just sit in that as some kind of indefinite punishment forever, right? Like the issue is I want you to earn this back.

Yeah, the point is you're supposed to grow up, right? Right like the ultimate goal is for you to be an independent adult, okay?

That's the ultimate goal. So this is like the issue is yes when we take a step back. It's because I want to take it or when we take it, you know. We have to take a step closer to each other. It's because ultimately I do want to take a step back again.

It's like the issue is not just your. You have a violated trust and you know, I'm gonna keep you in a prison. Chains and bondage make your experience miserable. And then finally, I'm just gonna turn you loose on society at the end of it or something.

I mean like the goal the goal of all this is like very redemptive and a lot of what's happening in grounding is not. There's not some kind of I'm Like a redemptive goal. Like it's not really aimed at reconciliation.

It's not gained it like character growth, right? It just turns into arbitrary random angry fits of punishment kind of thing.

Clear Expectations, Quicker Punishment, and the Goal of Maturity

So what about and and hear me out on this one Tim you've been you've been mentioning a lot throughout this episode the sort of arbitrary nature of punish of Grounding, you know where it's like hey, you're grounded for the next month and it's like well, I don't you know.

What was the calculation that got you to a month, right? All right. Well, what about instead of that? We just use you know Biblical time frames instead. So, you know, you know what God made the world in in six days.

So you're grounded for six days. Or or you know, if maybe if it's a little worse, you know what? You know God let it rain for 40 days and 40 nights so you're grounded for 40 days and 40. What what about something like that?

Does that fix the arbitrary nature of it in your mind, or is it still too arbitrary?

Well, I I think you I think there needs to be like something communicated to them like as they come the front end. Okay. Okay, like here's what happens when you do X and then it's clear in their mind.

What's gonna happen if X it happens, right? Like meaning like this isn't like This is. I don't know that the biblical numbers are really the point. Like the issue is like I thought you would like that.

Trying to communicate to them like the rules ahead of time so that when they violate them. They know what's going to happen is a lot better method of parenting in general. So like it's not just like random up in the air who knows what's gonna happen.

Who knows what you're gonna do. You know, it's not that kind of thing. But then like the goal like so, you know, that's it would be better to not have arbitrary numbers. Sure, it would be better to like communicate that on the front end.

But then you do have to think about what are you what is the objective in this is the objective in this just to? All right, you did something wrong. Now, you're gonna be miserable for. You know like like indefinitely forever.

I mean, I think it's better to have quicker Punishments, you know kind of thing over and against like these extended kind of you know. Long-term propositions were basically the whole point of them always say we're not good.

You know, you're not good with us. We're not good with you. You're not good with other people, you know, you're just isolated and so I think to the extent to which. You can make it a you know, a quicker easier thing like that.

And not just like an end, you know, not just this extended ongoing misery. Right, it's like your whole childhood is like one form of Okay. You know like you're going in and out of like different forms of misery, you know your whole childhood.

Over and against just like dealing with things quicker. Moving on. Yeah. And then, you know having a clearer path of like, how do we resolve this? Right? So how do we resolve this thing? So, you know you'd be in the goal is like hey, I want you to.

Have more privileges that less privileges, right? Right. Yeah, I want you to be more independent not less independent.

Right, right, right. Sure.

Closing Thoughts and Podcast Sign-Off

Okay. Well, I think that's a good place for us to wrap up the conversation and you know, obviously this is this. This is one of those things that pretty much everyone has dealt with or is dealing with it.

You know, whether you're the child in the scenario who is facing the punishment or you're or you're the parent. You know looking at your children asking yourself and you know looking to the Bible. Asking, you know, how do I raise my children?

Well, how do I you know teach them to fear the Lord? Well, how do I teach them to interact in society? Well and be independent, you know independent human beings like you're saying and and You know, I I think I think most parents they they kind of just look at grounding as one of those like it's just a given.

It's just what you do, right? And and I don't really know. I don't really know where that came from exactly. But but it makes sense what you're saying, especially, you know thinking through punished through punishment and discipline with children in general as a.

Hey, there needs to be reconciliation as soon as possible. The point of this is not to make the child miserable or in other words, you know, provoke them to wrath. Right, the the point is to teach them how to be responsible and teach them that in society there are rules.

You know God gives us rules to follow and we have to follow them. We can't just ignore them because we don't like them or we don't want to follow them or we're we feel too lazy to follow Them or we think we're better than those rules or whatever.

It is. The point is to teach them that that's not the case and that they have to they have to play by the rules. Right and and in so doing they'll be responsible and so doing even more importantly, they'll be honoring the Lord.

And and so that's certainly that's certainly something to think through as for parents and for children thinking through, you know. Maybe maybe that'll help some children understand. Why am I getting all these punishments in the first place?

Well, you know. Hopefully it's because and it should be because your parents love you and want to train you up in the way that you ought to Walk so that you won't depart from it when you're older. So but with all that being said we appreciate you guys for listening to the podcast for supporting us weekend and week out.

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