TLP 333: The 5 Types of Parents | Dr. Joe Martin interview, Part 1

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00:01

And so if my son was on the show with you today right now, you said, what do you think of your dad

00:06

Kendall? He said, oh my dad's jacked up Yes, what do you tell you and you said really everything you did?

00:12

Yeah, he said however Welcome to truth love parents where we use

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God's Word to become intentional Premeditated parents. Here's your host a .m.

00:25

Brewster. I've been waiting for this day for a long time Two years ago this month.

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I had the supreme privilege of joining. Dr Joe Martin on his podcast the number one iTunes podcast for Christian men real men connect

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It was a blast we talked about the five ways to better understand your child and Joe did what he always does

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So well He drew out of me the story of how the Lord had led me to victory Academy for boys and the eventual creation of truth

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Love parent ever since that interview I've been longing for an opportunity to have him on the show

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Of course with my previous schedule at victory Academy I found it extremely difficult to have special guests on the show and some of you may have noticed how few we've recently had

01:05

Well now that I'm investing full -time into truth love parent I want to get as many other God -loving experienced individuals in on the discussion as we can this season alone

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I plan to have at least four special guests to join me and I'm honored that dr Joe Martin gets to be the first special guest of TLPs new phase of ministry

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Joe has a fantastic testimony, which will be unwrapped. I believe in the over the course of this episode and the next episode

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He's the creator and the director of real men connect Which is a ministry dedicated to helping men become the best husbands fathers and leaders that they can be

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His favorite slogan and I listen to him say it every time. I don't know know about you But sometimes you're listening to a podcast and you get to the end

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You know what they're gonna say and you just kind of stop it there you skip to the next one I always listen to Joe and his show with we are males by birth, but we are men by choice so each and every day choose to be the man

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God called and created you to be and I listen to it because that's What we need we need to be intentional

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We need to be premeditated and that's his call to us to be the man to be the moms to be the parents that God Called and created us to be

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Now you like you ladies may be wondering is this gonna be a boys only episode?

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No, ma 'am, that could not be further from the truth Joe recently did a podcast series called man's greatest challenge as part of the real men check -in

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He later turned that material into a blog post called the five types of men But I asked him a few months ago if you'd be interested in coming on the show and build out those five

02:34

Concepts and apply them to dads and moms. So that's why he's here today. It's for all of us It's the men and the women so without any further ado, please welcome.

02:42

Dr. Joe Martin I'm Aaron. I'm glad to be talking with you about this very very important topic, man.

02:50

Thank you so much for having me as a guest Now, I know I just mentioned it, but I want you to go ahead and share your heartbeat for your ministry

02:58

I want you to tell us about it in a way that I couldn't possibly because I want you to kind of share your Passion for what it is.

03:03

You're doing and why you're doing it. Well, I thought you did a great job But I guess to summarize it the best way

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I would just say that what we do at real men connect We help good men become great men, but we help the bad men become great men

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We help them do it God's way and we do it by helping them win at what matters most, you know men love to win

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So we help them win at what matters most and to me what matters most is their love relationship

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Not only with the Father in heaven, but also with their wife obviously their labor and what they do for living and the work that they do their leadership and how they lead and Disciple and discipline their children as well as the legacy the legacy that they leave behind when they're gone

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So that's what we do. We help Christian men win at what matters most Now say of all the episodes

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I've listened to one of the ones that sticks out in my mind The most is where you've called guys and some of your your guests

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He has special guests every week and these men are so amazingly used by God, but you and these other men have called

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The men you're ministering to to be involved in community You talk about having your your

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Paul your Timothy your Barnabas and that has been so powerful for me Because I think

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I fell into the same trap that lots of people fall into Where we're trying to do it on our own by ourselves solo and that never works

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God didn't create us to work that way. So one of the ways that you've helped me to become a better man Maybe I'm not a great man just yet But a better man has been specifically through that of encouraging me in community.

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So I want to thank you for that You know, I tried to get me to understand that No good man has ever become a great man

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Without the help of godly men And there let me say that one more time because I think we can miss that and you know

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You say we're also talking to moms today, too But I will say the same that goes for moms to no good man can become a great man

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Without the help of godly men and all you have to do is just look at history

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Look at the Bible and what you'll see that every behind every great godly man

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There were some other godly men and so men are only as strong as their team And so that's why we always talk about community so much what you referring to Because a man is only as strong as this team

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If you just think about it the simple way is if you were getting ready to move and relocate I'm sure you can move your furniture yourself

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But it'd be a lot easier to do it if you had a team of guys helping you move your furniture Wouldn't you think and so my thing is to get men to get into community so they can build their team in the same class of women as well

05:40

Amen Alright now on your show I just want you know you do a great job of introducing your guests and I kind of want to repay that kindness for you as well and But also maybe steal a blessing for ourselves in the process

05:54

For the listeners here Joe always asks guys what their favorite Bible verses are so I want to ask you

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Joe What specific Bible verse is God using to guide you in this particular season of your life?

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you know my right now my spiritual father would be laughing if he heard me tell you this because Every time

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I call him and I'm struggling or going through something whether it be In my marriage with my kids in ministry

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He always gives me the same advice and he quotes this scripture, which is now the scripture that I'm sharing with you

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That's why I say you laugh is Matthew 6 33 Matthew 6 33 seek first his kingdom and his righteousness

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He's told my God see his kingdom and his righteousness Joe Martin and all things will be added unto you because to me it's the answer to every problem

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I have in Every God thing I desire and I say he would laugh because I used to get mad at him because that's all he would tell

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Me every time Joe seek him Joe. You gotta seek him and so but I get it now I understand now that is the answer to every problem that I face in every

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God thing That I desire and I challenge anyone out there to think about that for a second anything you all means

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Everything so anything I want anything I desire that is of God and of God's will he says if you seek him first His kingdom and his righteousness.

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He says he would give all those things to you So that's that's the verse that I stand on in this season right now

07:23

Thank you. That was so encouraging for me, especially where I am It's so easy now stepping into this full -time role in a truth.

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Love parent to get distracted by making TLP the thing or to seek first something else

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But it needs to be about his kingdom and all things Now another good thing that you do an amazing thing

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I think you do as you interview your guests is to really unfold their stories. In fact you

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You didn't let me off the hook when you had me on your show You were asking me and I it's like yeah, and this is my story and you're like, yeah, but Aaron I I'm not making the connection yet I'm not really hearing how it is

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You got where you got and you pushed me and I'm so glad you did Because when you do this what it does is it it unwraps their story?

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But specifically to see the threads of God's hand through all of it and that's a beautiful part

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So in a way, I want that from you too, because this is all about God All right and we want to remind people of that and I want you to be able to share that but I'm also gonna do this a

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Little bit differently with you today than you do with your guests Okay So you've worked through this material already on your podcast and during as you did that you talked about how your testimony lines up with each of the points that we're gonna talk about today and next time and I kind of like you to do the same thing share your autobiographical

08:40

Content of what God did in your life as we talk about each one of these points So I think with that it'd be great if we just jumped into the material and then you kind of guide us through these first Three parents today the second.

08:52

I'm sorry the fourth and the fifth parent next time and then share with us your testimony as you do So, all right, it sounds good to me.

08:58

It's not like a good plan. Awesome So the first category of parents and these are all W's if my listeners are listening

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I talked about five parents as well. And that was way back when and I didn't alliterate it see, you know, you know

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Joe's he's got this thing figured out He's a good speaker because he gives he alliterates his points and he's got five W's and the first one is

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Weiner So Joe who is the Weiner parent what's going on in their lives?

09:26

Well, no, the Weiner is that parent this I call that parent the parent who's paralyzed by their past They're paralyzed by the past They look at their their current struggles they blame it on their past on their past problems and These I call them and I and I say this affectionately because I was one

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I call them the why babies, you know Why babies because that person that parent is a man.

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Why me? Why now why them why him why her?

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Because they're looking at what has stopped them in the past and what has hurt them in the past and They're using it as an excuse of why they can't move forward.

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That's why I said they're paralyzed in their their their past They're stuck in their past, you know people say you don't want to relive the past Well, you don't know it's nothing wrong with looking back in the past, but you you have to at least acknowledge

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What has happened and so a lot of times as parents we can use our past as excuses for future failure and to kind of give you an example of Me becoming a parent.

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I never thought I'd be a parent Never wanted to be a parent and that's kind of humbling when you tell your children.

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I never wanted to have kids That's not very encouraging for them to hear that but I tell my kids the truth

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I said no initially I didn't want to have any children and now they see me work before I came into men's ministry full -time

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I worked with kids all over the country. I was a schoolteacher. I was in education over 20 years So, how can you not want to have kids?

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Because I was a whiner because I looked at the world that I grew up in growing up in the projects in Miami and I saw all the things that I had to go through as a child the abuse alcoholism addiction anger

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Abandonment you name it. I had to go through it who in their right mind would want to bring a child up in this and so I That I held on to that think to myself man.

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I'm not equipped. I can't be a parent I'm not gonna be a good enough parent because I don't have what it takes

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I can't be this because I was brought up this way. I didn't I didn't meet a

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Couple give you an example Aaron. I didn't meet a couple I met one couple by the time

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I graduated from high school Who were married a man and a woman living in the same house just one. Hmm, and they were dysfunctional

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And so that didn't encourage me to want to become get married. It encouraged me to have any kids

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So I became a wide baby looking at my past and saying to myself

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I can't be a parent. I can't be a good parent and I Had to overcome that Because I realized now that yes, my past is real and I'm hoping every parent out there who's listening to this here

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What I'm getting ready to say I'm not telling you to deny your past you may have come from a very painful past and your past is real

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But I had to learn this that my past explains me But it doesn't excuse me

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And I have to realize that even though I came from that past that God had a different future for me

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If I would just open up my heart surrender and submit to him and let him minister to that pain and So then

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I realized that you know what that's that may have been where I started but it doesn't have to necessarily be where I finish and so I had to Open myself up to being able to accept the past what it is and not use it as an excuse for me

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Not to move forward as a parent as a husband As a spiritual leader of my home. So when we talk about that parent who's fallen to that category, it's the whiners

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They always find themselves complaining about what they don't have what they never grew up with what they didn't have.

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They're not equipped They don't have this all these bad things happen to them. So that now gives me the excuse of why

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I can't do better now because look where I came from and so I had to get over that and that's why

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I call though that person the whiner parent I Tell you I'm realizing that I've been a whiner too

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Specifically in regard to my marriage and I've shared this before and my wife and I are very open about this

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But when we got married neither one of us were ready Had I been the person I was supposed to be I wouldn't have married her and had she been the person she was supposed to be she wouldn't have married me and Yet we got married and we said

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I do and now would be super easy and I have in the past whined about that Well, you know We didn't marry the right people right?

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You know, we were weak. We weren't who we were supposed to be We got a bad start in all of this But I tell people now because praise

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God I'm not in that spot anymore. At least when it comes to my marriage I tell you tell people our marriage is two things number one

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It is a warning and admonishment to people to be careful You know to be careful when you when you make this choice and step into it

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But secondly, it's a testimony of God's grace because what God has done through our marriage has been absolutely amazing

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So yeah, I resonates with me. I I think about Eli From 1st Samuel chapter 2, you know, he whined a lot.

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He whined at his boys. His boys were were terrible men they wicked people and He whined at them, you know, why can't you just do this?

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Why can't you just do that instead of really dragging them to real truth and grounding his parenting in? In the what

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God says and what we need to be and who we need to be How would you encourage a whiner to move past that what biblical admonishment would you give him?

14:56

I would say cling you mentioned earlier when you asked me about my Bible verse that I cling to in this season

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I would say go to Scripture and there's two particular that I would recommend Romans 8 28 which you're probably familiar with Aaron that all things work together for good for those who love

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God are called according to his Purpose because there was a time when I'm now talking about when I was a whiner

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That I used to think that God was punishing me. Yeah. I'm like, wow, my wife sucks, man

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Look at where I came from. This is horrible. God. Why would you let me grow up like this? Why didn't you protect me from this?

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This is going to hurt me as a parent when I become a parent or become a husband And I realize now that God wasn't punishing me, but he was rather preparing me

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You mentioned about your wife saying, you know, we're not who we know God knew who you were back then

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And you two were coming together because he was preparing you for something our past Yes, it may not be what we have wanted and wished but God is going to use it for good

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So romans 8 28 is what I referred them to also I will refer them to um, jeremiah 29 11

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That when God says that I know the plans I have for you declares the lord Plans to prosper you not to harm you joe martin, but to give you hope in a future

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So no matter what it is that has happened and understand that God has permitted it He could have stopped it, but he didn't

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That he knows he's going to use it not only for your good But he's going to prosper you if you continue to walk with him

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So encouragement I would give for the person who is quote whining and i'm not trying to use that as a disparaging thing

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Because it's okay own it that we've been whining And complaining like the israelites murmuring complaining.

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Oh, no, you could have just left me here. Why'd you have to bring me out here? No No, why'd you have to let me get married?

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You know? No, what we got to do is we have to own it And say god help me with this help me to see it from your perspective

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And if there's somebody out there who is struggling Um, whether or not identifying whether or not they are just ask themselves

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What does the enemy constantly bring up to you? Um as a parent that discourages you

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That distracts you and keeps you stuck in a rut Whatever that is.

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That's what we typically start whining and complaining about and so I look at it this way if it wasn't for the pain that I went in the past I I get it now

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I get now that god was repairing me because people say well joe you you've overcome it now I realize now that we're all going to overcome if we continue to walk with god

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But the real test is are you going to share it with your children as you're raising them? And a lot of parents don't want to talk about their past with their kids

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Yeah, they don't want to talk about the abuse they suffered Um the abandonment issues and what they do is that they suppress that And when they suppress it it comes out expressed in bad ways

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But my thing is they said joe you seem so vulnerable with your kids You're willing to open up your heart to your children and share with your pain in your past I said, yeah, because if I don't then that means my pain was wasted

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God has a purpose for my pain And so I see it now That the tears that I cried for my pain were supposed to be medicine for my children

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And for my wife so I now realize that no the past is not something that I need to be paralyzed by or something

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I need to try to avoid but need to use it for god's glory So romans 8 28 jeremiah 29 11 cling to it.

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Hold on it own that word because god knows what he's doing He's not making any mistakes. Amen. Amen.

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Yeah, and I I think of philippians 3 Uh philippians 3 13 where paul says it's one thing

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I do a forgetting What lies behind reaching forward to what lies ahead? I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upper call of god in christ jesus

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And all three of those passages are important because they're conditional They require us to do something.

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That's so powerful, man We could probably talk about that parent all day long But I do want to say this real quick one way that we parents do this

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Okay, we need to be honest with ourselves If you're listening to this for the first time you need to ask yourself am I or have

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I been a whiner parent? Have I kept myself from being the parent I need to be because of my past Sometimes we do this specifically in regard to our children

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We whine about the fact that our kids are going down a bad road We whine about the fact that we've corrected them before and they don't respond the right way and we use that as an excuse

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To not do the right thing the next time and we just can't do that We absolutely can't do that if you've fallen into that trap

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We need to repent we need to ask god's forgiveness and we need to into his strength term And I hope that you'll do this on all of these points

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I hope that you'll ask yourself be honest. Have I done this because I think I think joe's not an anomaly He's he's been each of these five parents and I believe that all of us have probably at one point another been at least

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Three of the four, you know bad ones that is Example yeah, go ahead and i'll throw myself under the bus on this because i'm not proud of it

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But you just started up when you mentioned your point about how we use it as an excuse not to move forward

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And I know a lot of parents can relate to especially dads um

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Because I was abused Because I was abused as a child for three years.

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I was sexually abused as a child And whether I wanted to believe it or not.

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I allowed it to affect my parenting And one way I allowed it to affect my parenting was that i'm not an overly affectionate person

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I'm, not a hugger and kiss you and that kind of stuff because I didn't like my space um being violated

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And what I realized as I became a parent that children don't know about your past And what they want is affection

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They want the loving and the nurturing and the hugs and the kisses and that kind of thing And so whenever my kids were bringing up to me that wanted that I would give push back

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I would say, you know, that's just not me. That's not that's not kind of person. Not just not my personality

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And realizing that yeah, that may not be my personality But that doesn't that shouldn't prevent me from moving forward.

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Is that how can I still provide them what they need? Even if it makes me uncomfortable That's when you can allow so i'm still not a touchy -feely person

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But i'm now more intentional about showing that affection Even if it's difficult for me because I don't want to be paralyzed by my past I don't want to be stuck as being a whiner because I used to whine about not being that type of parent if that makes sense here

21:26

Yeah, it does. No, it's powerful and i'm sure somebody needed to hear that for sure Now the uh, the second w parent here is the worrier now this parent

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This parent is you say is not paralyzed by his past. He's something else.

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What is the worrier parent? Oh, this parent is fearful of the future That we had the why baby with um

21:48

With the with the whiner this person is a what if baby They're always oh my wife and I came up with this term called catastrophizing

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You know, what if something goes wrong? What if this doesn't work out? What if that happens?

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What if this doesn't happen? They're always plotting out the worst case scenario. What if my child is hooked on drugs?

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What if my daughter gets pregnant? Because the and you can see these kind of parents because some people call them helicopter parents

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That they're hovering over their kids and I used to be a college professor So I used to see the helicopter parents all the time Whenever the new semesters start and and I just I remember when when

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I wasn't a parent I said god don't let me be those kind of parents Don't let me do that and god bless them because they love their children so much

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But they don't realize and I and I say this term and it sounds kind of crazy Worry your parents can love their kids to death

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And parents say how is that possible? They can act I can i've seen worrier parents love their kids to death.

22:48

They're trying to be overprotective They're trying to prevent things from happening. You said well joe what good parent doesn't want good things for their kids?

22:55

Yes, but guess what? You have to be able to allow that kid to fall if you want that kid to walk Could you imagine never allowing your child to fall when they learn how to walk?

23:04

They'll never learn how to walk They'll be too afraid to walk. Sometimes you gotta let them fall on their butts

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And so the worrier parent is wondering about they're worried about what if this happens?

23:15

What if that happens? What if I don't do this perfectly? What if I make mistakes?

23:21

Well, let me let you in for a news flash. God is bigger than your mistakes. Amen Even on your worst day, you can't mess up god's plan.

23:28

Oh, somebody needs to hear that. Amen Try to mess up his plans. He won't let you Now he could replace you to make sure his plans are being fulfilled he doesn't need us god chooses us

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To be part of his plan. So for the worrier Um parent this person is worrying about messing things up messing up god's plan

23:49

They're going to ruin the kids the kids going to need therapy and counseling After i'm done with them if they don't do it, right if I don't monitor everything they do

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And I don't control everything that they do bad things are going to happen Now we're not saying to take your hands off of your kids

24:04

But at least allow god to be in there to have some influence with your kids trusting the god that you're pouring into them trust that god to help them now

24:15

Let's talk about now i'm gonna talk about me and how I've messed this up myself Because i'm talking from experience

24:21

And I remember when my son I have a son and a daughter. My son now is kendall is 23 At the time of this, um recording my daughter is 17.

24:29

She's a senior in high school But my son he was the first kid so I didn't know what

24:34

I was doing had no idea what I was doing your practice baby Yeah, my practice baby and kendall was around about maybe about five or six at the time

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And I just kept beating myself up. I'll tell you one quick thing and then i'll tell you what how god has helped me overcome being the worrier parent

24:53

One time he was three and my ex -wife Started praying and he said amen

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And I asked my three -year -old I said kendall. Aren't you gonna pray for mommy and daddy? He said I did pray for mommy and daddy.

25:08

I said no you didn't Yes, I did and me and my son gets into an argument Okay I said kendall.

25:17

I heard you you did not pray for mommy and daddy And so of course we leave his room and my ex -wife looked at me like really joe

25:24

Like what he says you're arguing with the three -year -old about his prayers I said, but he didn't pray.

25:30

He said it doesn't even matter And I thought about it And I went back into my son and woke him up.

25:36

I said kendall. Daddy. Sorry, daddy Sorry, you can pray how you want to pray if whoever you want to pray for I'm, so sorry and i'm thinking wow, so that was when he was three.

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So round about let's go now to five or six I'm, making more mistakes like that. All right, aaron pray for me.

25:51

All right I finally get to a point. I said god i'm done I can't do this.

25:58

This is the worry parent coming out god. I'm gonna ruin this kid How many times can

26:04

I keep going back to him to apologize? For making mistakes god. He's only right now five or six years old.

26:10

He can't He's gonna need therapy and counseling. I'm not doing this right i'm trying the best I can and i'm not doing it

26:17

Right. I keep messing up god. I'm done And aaron i'm telling you

26:23

I heard the holy spirit speak to me and says good What? I'm glad you're done

26:31

What what I said? But i'm messing this up and then the holy spirit says you're messing this up because you're trying to do it perfectly

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You're trying to be perfect I'm, just trying to do it your way god. He says You're never going to be the perfect parent

26:50

For your son I said that's obvious. Yeah god. I see that he said but what you're failing to understand and the parents need to hear this aaron

26:58

You're the perfect parent. I chose for him though What You're never going to be the perfect parent, but i'm the perfect parent you chose for him

27:09

He says yes. I said god. I don't get it I said but god he said why don't you get it?

27:14

I said because god I make too many mistakes. He says perfect You're the perfect parent to show him how to deal with your mistakes.

27:23

I said god, but but but I I i'm flawed Perfect now your son can see how a flawed man deals with his his his imperfections

27:36

But god A lot of times I don't have the answers for kendall. I don't know what to do and what to say perfect When you don't have all the answers

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And aaron it changed my life Because I realized then when

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I saw my son I said oh I don't have to hide the mistakes from him anymore.

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Matter of fact, let's make it public So he can see how a man accepts responsibility

28:05

How a man humbles himself when he doesn't know what to do How a man turns to god for the answers and cries out to god

28:14

And so if my son was on the show with you today right now You said what do you think of your um, your dad kendall?

28:19

He says oh my dad's jacked up That's what he'll tell you and you said really? Yeah, he said however

28:27

That but my dad is a great man because how he deals with his jacked upness

28:34

And I don't hide my mistakes. I don't hide my flaws I don't keep any secrets from my kids because you know, especially for this worry parent

28:41

These are the kind of parents they don't want to tell their kids. They used to be on drugs Why because their kids might use drugs they don't want to tell their kids

28:49

I had sex before marriage because their kids may have sex I don't keep any secrets from my kids.

28:56

That's why they would tell you how jacked up I am But at the same time they would tell you but my dad serves he's not perfect, but he serves a perfect father.

29:06

Amen And so we don't have to stay stuck in being the worrier mode

29:11

We don't have to be that parent, but i've been there i've been that whiner and I definitely have been that worrier That is so powerful man

29:18

Like I said each one of these we could we could spend so much time talking on because this is huge I'm coming out of that generation myself where the we're parents we put ourselves up on a pedestal

29:28

Where you know, we just we couldn't be questioned Our characters couldn't be sullied and I think man we just made so many mistakes in the process now

29:37

I think specifically about a unique biblical character when you mention this because Sometimes we are worried about what we're going to do to our kids and things that ways that we've messed up But sometimes too like you mentioned earlier

29:48

We're also worried about all the other stuff that might happen to them from the outside and I think about rebecca jacob's mom right and he knew she knew that there was going to be a blessing given to her sons and she wanted jacob to get the

29:58

Best blessing and she was all worried about him having the perfect blessing and she was willing to lie to her husband

30:04

And she encouraged him to do these wicked things to steal from his brother.

30:10

It was terrible absolutely terrible And uh that and she was so worried about what was going to happen that she totally stepped out of god's mind

30:17

So what would you say to a parent whether they're worried about their own? How they're going to mess up their kid whether they're going to worry about how the world's going to mess up their kid

30:25

Or whether they're worried about losing control and not being able to have the best for their kid

30:30

How would you encourage them from the scriptures? Well, it goes but now for the scriptures I would tell them

30:35

I said the practice well Let me give the practical which I will reiterate what I said before because it really helped me and then i'll give you some scripture, um

30:43

Recognize that god is god. He's sovereign. Amen He knew your child before your child was even formed in your womb

30:54

And he has set your child apart He set my son and my daughter apart even before I even met them before I even thought about them

31:01

And so it goes back to what I said before Even if you were the worst parent in the world, which you're not but even if you were

31:12

Guess what? You can't ruin god's perfect plan And i'll give you an example and I hate to use this as an example, but it's the truth

31:20

My parents were not great parents My parents are not great parents. My mom and she just recently passed was

31:28

Abusive and she was an alcoholic now i'm not dishonoring my mom telling you that because I'm telling you the truth.

31:36

I love my mom. My mama loved me. She loved my sister My dad abandoned me

31:41

When I was two years old, he wasn't there You know, I was he wasn't around to help me become a man and I know

31:50

I love my parents. They love me And they would tell you Man if we can do it all over again, we would do so many things differently.

31:58

But guess what aaron i'm still here By the grace and i'm still by the grace of god i'm now reaching

32:08

Hundreds of thousands of people all over the country in 136 different countries with our show

32:14

I speak all over the country training and discipling and mentoring men in spite

32:20

Despite Despite my mother and my dad

32:27

Man, what a mighty god we serve So what that tells me? I don't have to have all the answers

32:33

I don't have to do this god I'm, just trying to be obedient like my mom and dad tried to be and they felt more than they succeeded

32:41

I'm, just succeeding a little bit more than i'm failing, but i'm still failing But in spite of all of that God's plan cannot be changed

32:51

It cannot be if the devil couldn't do it What makes you think you're powerful enough to ruin god's plan?

32:59

God had a plan when the devil tried to come in and make a mess of things now as far as scripture

33:06

It goes back to what I said before first of all matthew 6 33 Just seek him

33:13

When you don't know what to do And you're worried about the world and what they can do to your child

33:19

Well, I can't protect my son is out of the house now. I can't protect. I don't know what he's doing right now

33:25

But god says seek me first my kingdom and my righteousness And all things be added unto you guess what all things include

33:33

Me having peace when it comes to my son Me having peace about what my daughter's going to go after she graduates from high school

33:39

And gonna be with her when she's at college when mom and dad can't be around there to protect her Seek him first seek him first and then

33:47

I go to philippians 4 6 Don't be anxious for anything But in everything by prayer and petition

33:55

With thanksgiving to god. Thank you god For allowing my daughter to make it to her senior year.

34:01

Thank you god for my son to be able to make it out of the house With thanksgiving make my petition known to him

34:10

And he's gonna guard my heart and my mind in christ jesus because that's what we're really abounding with the thoughts in our mind

34:17

And the heart condition. Oh, we're worried. We're concerned There's nothing wrong with it, but he's saying be anxious for nothing

34:25

But in everything seek him Ask him tell him petition him and aaron

34:31

They're not gonna like when I say this especially the mom mom's out there You said we're gonna be for dad, but it's a mom's too This is definitely for moms that don't get ready to say and they can write you the bad emails after I say this

34:42

Mom's not ready to hear this. That's okay, but moms don't like hearing what i'm about to say, but they know it's the truth

34:49

Here's why you shouldn't worry As much as you love those little babies

34:56

As much as you love your children They made you hurt felt their heart. You felt them kicking in your stomach

35:03

Boy you would sing to them you would talk to them when they were A dad can't possibly relate to what it was like to have a living person inside of you

35:11

That love and the bond that a mother has for a child you men would never understand it

35:17

Here's the news flash for the moms no matter how much you love your children

35:22

God loves them more than you do Amen. Amen. Ouch Mm -hmm.

35:28

I don't care how much you tell me you love your kids. You don't love them more than god does

35:34

Amen Tell him that you do Then you should be worried

35:40

Because he'll hand them right back over to you and say okay you control you you take over And you watch over them 24 hours a day seven days a week 365 days out of the year like I do

35:52

Yeah, no matter how much we love them. Aaron We can't love them more than god does We can't so guess what he has a plan and purpose for each one in their lives

36:02

That's why when my when when the mamas my wife would you're not concerned. You're not worried.

36:08

God loves more than I do What I gotta worry about? A lot more than I do, but it's hard for moms a lot of time to accept that And I would be very fearful if I was a mom

36:18

When you're telling god I can take better care of my kids than you can Don't you dare tell god that because guess what god attest you so you can i'll turn him back over to you

36:27

Yeah, there was that one. Um That one preacher poet, maybe you remember his name. I can't remember off the top of my head

36:33

Um who said your arms are too short to box with god. Mm -hmm You don't want to go toe to toe. You don't want to go there.

36:39

Don't go there. No god, you can have my kids They were just on loan you just loaned it to me for the first 18 years of the life and I thank you for it

36:49

But god, they're yours Now yours for the listeners out there. Normally, we don't have show notes with uh when we have guests

36:56

Okay, or transcript but I do want to say this There are so many of these concepts that joe is talking about that.

37:03

We have alluded to in previous Studies, we have we have a whole study on philippians chapter 4 and how to be a peaceful parent

37:10

All right, we have we have lots of resources So what i'm going to do is i'm going to put links in the the description of these episodes

37:16

So that if nothing else if you say you know what I need to work on this What does philippians 4 have to say to me as a as a worrier parent?

37:23

I want you to be able to have access to those those resources Now again, we need to be honest with ourselves.

37:29

Are you a worrier parent? You're a whiner you're a worrier God's calling you from that now. We only have time to talk about one more of these today

37:36

I want to invite you guys kind of preemptively invite you next time to listen to the fourth parent And then the fifth parent these first four the ones that we are naturally, okay

37:46

It doesn't take any practice to be these The fifth one though is the one that god wants us to be and that we can only be through him

37:51

Right, so we're going to kind of end on what might feel like a low note You know because it was really challenging really convicting but pray through these things think through these things be honest with yourself

38:01

Get into the scriptures that we're talking about and prepare yourself on your heart for our next episode where we really unveil

38:08

The beautiful plan that god has for you. But before we can get to that though, we do have one other

38:15

W parent here. This third parent is called the waiter now the uh, The whiner is concerned about the past the worrier is concerned about the future what's going on with the waiter

38:25

Oh, the waiter is the person that's um indecisive in the present They're they don't know what to do

38:33

And so they decide not to do anything. They rather instead of doing the right thing or and messing it up They'd rather do nothing

38:41

They're gonna just quote wait on the lord I'm gonna wait for god to fix it. I let go and let god.

38:47

Yeah, let go and let god and that sounds good But that's not always using discernment and wisdom and hopefully by us explaining this

38:54

They'll get a better idea what we mean by that No, this waiter is the person who's waiting for god to do something

39:01

That god is going to hold them accountable for doing God has given us a responsibility as parents to train up our children in the way

39:09

They should go so they don't soon depart from it He's also commanded fathers specifically not to provoke your kids to anger but to bring them up in the admonition of the lord

39:18

He tells us to spare the rod not spoil the child. He's given us directives He's telling us what to do when it comes to our kids

39:26

But a lot of times when we weren't equipped and we weren't taught how to do it.

39:31

Um I kind of call it abt ain't been taught You know We don't know what to do and now women

39:38

I give women more credit for this because at least they're willing to try You know Even if they're going to mess up They're willing to try something because they don't want to just let their kids just leave them hanging

39:48

But we as fathers we a little bit different than women when it comes to parenting We don't like making mistakes

39:55

We don't like failing at anything That's why I say our mission is to help men win because men want to win at everything

40:02

Men like to compete and a lot of times men When they rather do nothing than to do it wrong let me jump in here real quick because So many of your your special guests have said this during the man up questions at the end of the show

40:16

Uh, you you ask him, you know What's one attitude that you wish you could change in men and so many of them have said apathy

40:23

I wish I could just get men to to step up and to do something So yeah, I mean man, it is a huge problem with us guys and the apathy comes from i've done this so many times in the past That i've failed i'm afraid to do it again.

40:38

And so the question is so what are you going to do about it? I'm, just gonna pray about it I'm going to pray and hope that things work out

40:45

You know, i'm just going i'm waiting on the lord to do something and Waiting We have this misconception what waiting is, um,

40:56

I think one of the um, the scripture what is it? Uh, I think is is isiah. I'm, hope i'm not misquoting it about those who wait on the lord shall renew their strength

41:06

They'd amount with wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary They will walk and not faint but check this out aaron

41:12

They might say those who wait on the lord shall renew their strength They will mount up with like with wings like eagles

41:21

Check this out. They will they will run and not get weary They will walk and not faint

41:28

Guess what run and walk are verbs Yep Wait on lord.

41:34

Don't don't you just stop right there do nothing No, you're gonna have to run but you can't get weary You have to keep walking moving forward

41:43

But don't faint You keep moving and so we miss we think waiting is doing nothing waiting is guess what you do while you're waiting.

41:51

You're still serving You still support You still strengthen

41:57

You still give You still teach You have to be able to do it afraid you can't just wait now.

42:06

Let's go there with me All right, here we go where I was waiting because Even though when

42:13

I became a dad and became a parent I said, okay, I realized I thought that all you had to do is just Don't do what your parents did, you know because I didn't have great parents

42:22

I figured just do the opposite but the problem with Not trying to avoid doing the wrong thing

42:27

What not to do you still haven't been taught what to do? So I knew everything not to do

42:34

But I didn't know what to do I knew I shouldn't be drinking I shouldn't abandon and leave the home

42:42

But I didn't know what to do when I wasn't drinking I didn't know what to do when I was in the home

42:47

And so here I was abt ain't been taught. I don't know how to disciple And discipline my children.

42:53

I don't know how to talk to my son about sex I don't know how to talk to a daughter about my um, my escapades when

43:01

I was Out there sleeping with as many women as I can find I don't know how to talk to my daughter about that And so the problem is

43:08

I start instead of dealing with my inadequacies in my insecurities and my inefficiencies

43:14

I decide okay. I'll just wait And let the church do it I'll let school

43:22

Handle that responsibility I'll let mama. Yeah, i'll let mom do it.

43:27

Yep. Mama. Talk to her about it And I realized that my role is not to sit there as this apathetic passive bump on the log

43:36

God said do it afraid I'm with you when I say wait on me wait as I direct you to do something

43:45

Speak this joe martin wait on me now speak this Wait on me now take this step

43:52

Wait on me ask that person for help Wait on me go to that go to your child

43:57

Wait on me Tell them the truth about that I had to I was waiting for somebody else to do it, but I wasn't willing to do it myself

44:06

I'm thinking god come rescue me Come do it. God says. Oh, I will when you take a step first Think about peter in the boat

44:15

Peter sees jesus out there Man, I want to do that Why didn't jesus come pick him up and take him?

44:22

Wait on me peter. I'll be there and i'll take you off the boat and bring you with me. What did jesus say? Come You want some come come come to me

44:31

And peter did it afraid And peter did it successfully until he what? Took his eyes off of jesus.

44:38

Yeah He started looking at the waves. He started feeling the wind and guess what he took his eye And then what did jesus tell him?

44:45

Oh you a little faith Why did you do that? You were doing it just Wait upon me look at me and keep stepping

44:56

Keep obeying amen. And so when it came to the waiting part, I had to break out of this apathetic

45:02

Passive approach that god's going to drop the answer out of the sky On me and then by osmosis my kids will be discipled

45:10

They will be disciplined by osmosis. They're going to learn about sex. Here's the thing

45:16

If I don't do it if I don't step up somebody else will yeah all the wrong people So all the wrong people and I give an example with the kids

45:24

If you're not talking to your kids trust me, they're listening to their friends And so I got to get my sons and my daughter's ear before The media gets it before their friends at school gets it even before their teachers get it

45:38

And I have to take I i'm going to be held accountable and responsible for them I can't go to god when god asked me.

45:44

Okay. How'd you parent the kids that gave you god? I was waiting for you to do it Yeah, it's like that. Um that parable where the guy was given the talent and he buried it in the dirt

45:53

Yeah, you know, I didn't want to you know, whatever and and god then the the master said you needed to do something

45:59

He rebuked him. Yeah, and he rebuked him harshly. Oh very rebuked him harshly get away from me

46:05

You slothful servant you I don't want to hear that errant. Oh, yeah, and so I'd rather do it bad

46:12

He said god I missed you on it as opposed to I did nothing And so I seek him.

46:18

That's why you seek him and okay So I I love this. I love this so much because this is making so much sense

46:23

One of the things that happens is we're waiting to do these things that god hasn't communicated to us specifically, right?

46:29

You know, we're uncertain about how to how to help our children succeed for christ, right?

46:35

The bible doesn't tell you necessarily point for point how to help your children succeed right? It says train them up Well, we we want like the full answer, but then we don't do the clear things that he does say to do

46:46

He says get to church He says in deuteronomy 6 He says you need to be speaking my truth when you wake up and when you lie down you when you walk along the road

46:55

You need to bring him back to that. You need to have that that family bible time. You'd be studying the word, right? So he says these simple things you need to be praying.

47:02

You need to be teaching your kids to pray And and if we just did those things right there Just those things took our children to assemble with the body of christ

47:10

We we taught them to pray we prayed for them if we were speaking god's truth into their lives, you know what?

47:17

They're going to be discipled Those right those questions that we're waiting on those things that we don't know that god hasn't ever really promised to necessarily tell us point

47:25

For point what's going to happen? Those things will come about as we simply do what he's told us to do

47:31

Aaron, I give you probably one of the best examples of Why we can't wait and while waiting makes no sense

47:39

Okay Um, I in our program with real men connect We had a program that my wife and I ran called boys to real men.

47:48

It's the boys to real men challenge It's six weeks where the boys of all single moms

47:53

Get to do life with me and my wife and my story I didn't see a couple except one by the time I graduated. I don't want that to happen to kids

48:00

So I figured I need to let them see a couple Who loves the lord and watch us go through life

48:06

So for six weeks they get exposed to us three times a week to be around me and my wife and my children to see what a husband and a

48:16

Husband and a wife look like a father with his kids and that kind of thing And one of the boys asked me now, they're all probably ranging from ages.

48:25

The youngest was probably 12. The oldest about 14 Okay, it's a group of boys and we had them on a conference call like they would call it the locker room

48:34

And one of the boys asked me this he says, um, dr. Joe What does it take to be a good dad?

48:41

That's what he asked me. What does it take to be a good father? And I said, um, david I said, let me give you the the simple answer

48:50

Be an example not an excuse That's the simple answer I said He says hon,

48:56

I said you must be an example. I said you don't have to be a perfect dad You have to be the greatest dad

49:04

Live your life as an example in front of your children And I said now that's the short answer be an example not excuse

49:11

I said, let me give you the deeper answer that I said You guys have been with me now for several weeks at the time it goes six weeks.

49:17

They're probably like in week four I said have you guys always followed my example?

49:23

That i've said in front of my that you've seen me with my wife. You see me with my children You see me with other people

49:30

That was done intentionally have you always followed my example And do what you've seen me do speak the way you've heard me speak

49:40

Respond the way you hear me respond Seek god the way you saw me seek god and do you know every boy says no, sir

49:47

We haven't I said david to answer your question. Here's the deeper answer your question. What does it take to be a good dad?

49:52

You must be willing to set that example even when they refuse to follow And guess what you can't set an example doing nothing

50:01

That's right. You I can't set an example just waiting I had to set an example by moving by stepping by serving by supporting by giving by speaking by leading by teaching by helping

50:21

All that requires action. That's why I don't think it's a coincidence that he says No those who wait on lord will renew their strength, but he said to run and to walk

50:32

I don't think that's an accident. I don't think that's a coincidence because that seems like it's contradictory

50:38

But I get it But rely on my strength to run And to walk don't do it in yours.

50:45

Wait on my strength now run Wait on my strength now walk Wait on my strength and mount up with wings like eagles.

50:55

Yeah Amen for those of you wondering this is uh, isaiah chapter 40 verse 31 so powerful.

51:02

I will uh include that too I tell you this this reminds me a lot of the the character not that character, but the historical figure of lot abraham's nephew

51:12

Um, you know, he took his children into a place and he waited he waited to teach them the truth

51:19

We learned that lot was a righteous man, you know We learned that he was somebody who was was grieved by sodom and gomorrah where he lived um, but he waited until it was too late to Bring his children to the truth.

51:34

He was apathetic when it came to that and and his son -in -laws, uh, They they laughed at him when finally he said, you know, we need to leave because god's gonna destroy the city

51:43

And his his daughters he had to drag them out basically kicking and screaming at that point and he waited

51:48

It was too long too late and he lost his family his the girls ended up getting him drunk and basically raping him

51:54

It was it's a it's a terrible story But it shows us the danger of what happens when we don't do what we're supposed to do

52:00

So what's the what's the admonishment for those of us who we look at our lives and our parenting but you know what? You know what i've been waiting i've been waiting to do that next thing until the you know, everything was just perfect perfect Yeah.

52:13

Yeah. So what do we what do we do? I would ask I said ask god this question and this is simple and I can't make this more complicated.

52:21

It's simple When you don't know what to do And you said god wants me to wait ask god this simple question god

52:30

What do you want me to do while i'm waiting? That's it God, what do you want me to do while i'm waiting the holy spirit?

52:38

Trust me Is going to give you something whether it start to pray Whether it says call this person call aaron

52:47

He's a great person for you to ask this question to god is going to connect you In by divine intervention, he's going to give you what you need for where you are, but you got to ask god

52:59

Okay, I will wait to hear from you. So god, what do you want me to do while i'm waiting?

53:05

Who do you want me to serve? Who do you want me to support? Who do you want me to ask?

53:12

God, who do you want me to pray for who do you want me to bless? God where do you want me to go?

53:19

God, what do you want me to say while i'm waiting? Just ask He said you had not because you asked not yep.

53:27

So just ask him simple as that. Oh, man Joe, thank you so much for joining us today.

53:33

I just Looking at these three parents for me has not only just been like extremely enlightening. It's been like Painfully enlightening

53:41

I can see my own propensity. I think first and foremost to be a worrier parent. I think

53:47

I used to be a whiner not so much a whiner anymore, but i'm seeing two in me the the waiting Why just waiting for this waiting?

53:54

Yeah, the waiting the biggest one for me the waiting and the whining I wasn't that big of a worrier but I worried more than I should have but definitely the waiting because it's easy to wait when you

54:04

Think you don't know what to do. You don't have a clue on what to do. You think the next best thing Is to just do nothing.

54:12

Yeah in doing nothing. Guess what? You've already decided you just did something The wrong which is nothing. Yeah, that's right.

54:17

The wrong something you did nothing. Yeah, so Well, and I guess like I said earlier it might be a little sad for the listeners today to kind of end on a note

54:25

Like this, but you know what there is solemnity in the scriptures There is we need to be drawn to see ourselves the way god sees us and that needs to rock us

54:32

I mean jesus started matthew chapter 5 sermon on the mount realize that you are poor in spirit

54:38

Let let you Mourn because of that and that is the path that leads us to humility and the path that leads us to repentance

54:44

So it's a good place to end Now none of those parents like I said before the ones that we want to be So I I know that i'm looking forward to talking to joe next time about the fourth parent and then specifically the fifth parent

54:55

It is just great news Is that the fifth parent is the dad? Or the mom that we all need to be and we're going to unpack that one for you next time

55:03

Now i've included all of joe's social media links and website information in the description of this episode

55:08

Um, I do know I know as well that a lot of women do listen to joe's podcast All right, but I would really suggest that the men subscribe to the show definitely please do that You'll be blessed because of it

55:19

The lord has used it a number of times in my life at just the right moment To answer a question or meet a need you will not regret that Now joe, is there anything in particular some some place that they should go if they want to like social media or a website?

55:32

Specifically, I have all the links there. But what's where should they start? Now just go to our website at real men m -e -n connect dot com because if they go there our

55:42

Website is pretty simple to navigate and anything they want whether it's to be to connect with us on social media

55:47

Whether it to be to receive some of our free resources whether just to reach out to me Or to see what we're doing.

55:53

It's so easy once they go there. Everything is self -explanatory real men connect dot com And then also make sure you share this episode on your favorite social media outlets

56:01

So that your family and your friends can benefit from discovering if they potentially are hindering their own parenting by being a whiner a worrier

56:08

Or a waiting waiter parent And obviously if this episode has been a blessing to you, please rate and review us on your favorite podcast app

56:16

It's a huge blessing and it's a significant help in directing all the searching parents out there to the biblical parenting resources

56:22

And definitely whatever you do join us next time as we look at the final two parents with dr Joe martin from real men connect

56:30

Truth love parents is part of the evermind ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated